A few days had passed since Julie had met Desmond. Their conversation that day was truly a turning point for her. Sometimes she still felt a little embarrassed that she'd told him so much about herself, throwing all her insecurities and things she wasn't particularly proud of, as she was ashamed of them, out in the open. She blamed it on the alcohol, but then she realized she hadn't actually drunk enough for it to loosen her tongue. She guessed she just needed to talk to someone, to hear somebody else's point of view. The truth was that she was biased against herself. She was young and still inexperienced with life and what it brought. She realized that she truly hated herself for not knowing better before it was too late. And now it simply was. At least it was too late to stop what had happened to her in Australia. Yet what Desmond made her realize was that it was never too late to change, to try something new, to actually break out of one's shell and start over, to get to know people and give them a chance to prove to her that they were worth her interest and trust. So far it was working and she was particularly grateful to Desmond for opening her eyes or at least showing her that she was simply human and humans made mistakes. Maybe she still hadn't forgiven herself completely for giving herself over to a man she'd barely even known in reality, but she was on the best way to do so. From all the mistakes one could make in life, hers didn't suddenly seem as bad when looking at it from a fresh perspective.

"How is it going, lass?" She suddenly heard Desmond's voice, the unmistakable Scottish accent giving him away. She truly liked to listen to the sound of it. It was exotic even though she knew that where he came from everybody talked that way.

Julie was now sitting on the beach, close to the shore as she was staring at the ocean in the setting sun. It was still her favorite place and one of her favorite activities on the island. She did start mingling with others, but it was all too much for now and she needed a moment with just herself. After all, that was what she was used to basically all her life. She couldn't just jump right into socializing and always be around other people. It was quite overwhelming.

"Do you prefer to be alone?" Desmond made sure when she didn't answer him. He was hesitant of whether he should join her or just leave.

"Oh, no, you can stay," she said, surprising even herself. Somehow his presence didn't intrude on her privacy at all. They could be alone together if that made any sense. It did to her and that was all that mattered. "And it's good, actually. I'm better," she finally answered his previous question.

He sat down right next to her and stared into the vastness of the ocean as well.

"You shaved," she noticed when glancing at him, "but didn't cut your hair."

"Oh, thank you for that insightful remark," Desmond chuckled and met her eyes sidelong. "Is it that long?" he asked, pretending to be bothered by it.

She shrugged. "I guess not. At least I don't mind it at all." Then she thought about what she said and slowly turned her eyes back to the ocean and the setting sun. Did she just say that? Why would he care what she thought of his appearance anyway? The sight in front of her suddenly caused her to grow somber. It was just one more day of being stranded. One more day of being homeless. Lost. Alone… Well, maybe that last one she could just scratch. She wasn't alone anymore, was she?

"You can cut it if you like," Desmond suggested and then added, "my hair," when she actually lost the thread of their conversation, already somewhere else in her mind. Being in his presence came so easy and so naturally to her that she could relax completely and somehow drift away, not feeling threatened by anything, just content to have him there right by her side.

"Sorry," she apologized when shaking her head and meeting his eyes. "I just… got lost somewhere there in my thoughts and… trust me, you so don't want me with scissors in my hand near your head," she then informed him. "I'm terrible at cutting just… about anything. You should see me as a kid in art class in my school. It was mandatory, so I couldn't get out of this one and naturally, I was the worst one ever in making something out of paper. To be honest, as a child I was pretty bothered by it."

"Well, I could suffer through your cutting," he said bravely and winked at her, which made her smile brightly. Then they stayed in content silence for a few more minutes.

"I made progress," she suddenly said and he guessed that she was no longer talking about her artistic predispositions.

"Is that so? In what?" he wanted to know. The sun seemed to have completely disappeared by then and her eyes looked shiny and alive. It momentarily enchanted him. Because of the lack of the light of the day he also started to be more aware of her presence next to him.

"I started socializing, talking to people a bit," she admitted, quite proud of herself and completely oblivious to his reaction. "I actually got to know Claire better. I offered to watch her baby even though I had no idea what to do with that boy. I'm just hopeless with kids. Never had any contact with them unless counting the time when I was one," she admitted, feeling abashed and throwing her hands into the air in indication.

"Then I guess you can practice for the future by spending some time with Aaron. I'm sure Claire will love that," Desmond pointed out when idly shifting his hands through the sand. He liked doing that when he needed to occupy his hands with something or when he was simply thinking. Julie, on the other hand, wasn't sure that it was working for her. When looking at those tiny grains, she couldn't help but imagine the time passing by her and taking all those days she could've been home from her. Still, where was home, really? She'd graduated. She hadn't even found a job before the plane crash. She didn't have an apartment. She also didn't have a family with her father dead and a mother somewhere out there, either dead or alive; she wasn't sure anymore since her mother had been drinking heavily throughout Julie's whole life. Even if she was the woman who gave birth to Julie, she didn't need her since alcohol always seemed to be more important to her than her own daughter. If only Julie had made a few close friends. If only she'd gone to some parties to meet more people while she'd still been a student. But nope, she'd been a loner and still was. Maybe she would always be one.

"Hey, are you ok?" she heard Desmond's voice like it was coming from far, far away. It wasn't really. She was just immersed too deeply into her own thoughts.

"Yeah, sorry." Julie shook her head. "I just…" she stopped for a moment, deciding how much she could tell him or if she should just get it all out into the open. "I don't have a family. Never had much of a childhood," she admitted. "Or maybe I did, but no one ever told me that they loved me or that they were proud of me. I was pretty much left to fend for myself."

"I know something about that," he admitted when looking her in the eye so she could see how honest he was with her at the moment. "So I guess we have something more in common, after all."

"I just don't think I want to be a mom," she started off again. "After everything I've experienced, I would know how to be a good one, I guess…" she thought about it some more. "A child needs attention, love, hugs, good words… everything I never had, but… I just don't know. I never really wanted any children. I had brief moments in which I thought I could have them... a son," she suddenly confessed, a small dreamy smile forming on her face, "but the reality is so much different than what we see in our heads when we think of the future. Having a kid wouldn't be easy."

"Nothing in life ever is," Desmond said and she nodded in agreement.

"Yeah. Yeah, but… I don't know. I guess I won't have kids. And I wouldn't have the guarantee of having a son anyway." She shrugged, a gesture he noticed she liked to use when she wasn't sure of something.

"I think you'd love your daughter just as much," he said gently.

"Maybe… but it doesn't matter anyway. Maybe I could be a good mother because I would know what to do, but… in the end, I think I wouldn't be a good one."

"What? Why not?" He seemed surprised to hear that. "You do realize that you just said two completely opposite things, don't you?"

She laughed at that. "I do. It's all complicated."

"I see." He just nodded.

"I'm just too egoistic to be a mom."

"Wait, what?" She seemed to shocked him and he stopped playing with sand altogether, looking at her, completely taken aback. "What are you even talking about?"

"Ok, here it is… I'm afraid of the pain I would have to endure when giving birth," she started enumerating, "and of all the changes in my body. I want to be thin and I like my breasts on the level they are now… and it's way too much information. I'm sorry," she added quickly when she caught his gaze flitting to her breasts and then escaping quickly in fear that she might notice. Then they both laughed and Desmond shook his head. "Maybe it was," he admitted, still laughing and feeling grateful that in the darkness she couldn't see his face reddening. He just needed to keep his eyes away from her chest from now on.

"Seriously though, you are not egoistic even a little bit," he said in confidence.

"Even a little bit?" she teased, smiling to him.

"All right, maybe everybody is a little bit egoistic," he admitted and they laughed again. "But you're not, not really. And just so you know, love isn't about the body."

"Yeah," she sighed. "I guess I've learnt that one the hard way," she murmured under her breath, hugging her knees and resting her chin on her arms. "Still, I don't think I'm such a great person. See Hurley there?" She cocked her head to the side. "He's such a sweet and good guy, but I would never be interested in him romantically just because I can't imagine myself with somebody so… fat," she finished reluctantly like she felt bad even saying it out loud. "If that's not a wrong thought, then… I am selfish," she decided. "I always look for handsome, slim men. Even after everything I've been through with one."

Desmond looked ahead somberly, trying to picture himself that good-looking man Julie had liked - or thought she had anyway. Maybe it was better not to try. After all, the guy hadn't made her happy; quite the contrary, he'd hurt her more than anyone before him.

"Not being attracted to fat people doesn't make you a bad person," he finally said, ready to look at her again. It was dark, so he wasn't in any danger of disclosing something. "And I'll say it again: you are not egoistic, Julie. And you know why?" She shook her head, holding her breath in anticipation of what he might say to her this time. So far, he turned out to be such a wonderful and understanding friend that she started to wonder what she'd ever done to deserve his presence in her life now. Maybe he just got her because he'd been through a lot as well. She should know. He'd told her. "I've seen you with the people here," he continued, oblivious to what was passing through her mind, "and you were just the opposite of egoistic. You might not be very social, I agree with that, but when someone asks you for help, you always do it with a smile. You never refuse. When somebody talks to you, even when you feel down, you immediately send them a smile… That smile is what I like about you the most when I watch you," he finished, his voice suddenly growing hoarse. He hoped she didn't notice the emotions he accidentally poured into his words. He hoped she didn't suspect anything. He shouldn't have told her that he'd been…

"Have you been watching me?" There it was. He knew she would ask. Still, luckily for him, she did it while teasing him playfully, sending him the exact same smile he was talking about.

"We're friends, aye? I notice things, that's all," he added quickly to untangle himself. "And just so you know, I always wanted to have a son as well, but I was scared that I wouldn't be a good father."

"Well, then welcome to the club. What is it about us that we both think so low of ourselves and so high of each other?" she asked the perfect question.

"Maybe we're just more critical of our own lives," Desmond wondered.

"Maybe… anyway, the fact that you'd rather have a son does not surprise me at all, mister," she added in a playful tone.

"Why?" he asked, not understanding.

"It's what men always say," she said, pretty sure of herself. "Don't they?"

"Oh, come on! Those are just stereotypes! You could say that every woman wants a daughter and is that true? Because I'm looking at one right now and she'd rather have a boy."

"Oh, ok, you win!" Julie gave up, meeting his eyes and smiling to him merrily. Then she looked back at the already dark and scary ocean and she nearly trembled. It was getting cold, too. They were still lost, still somewhere so far away from any civilization that no one could find them. And what if no one ever came? What if this, whatever this place was, and this strange community, would have to be enough for the rest of her life? What if she would be stuck here with no medicine, no means of obtaining new clothes or food other than what they were able to find, entrap or fish? In that moment, the beauty of the island that surrounded her by day was gone, replaced by terror and uncertainty of the night.

"I need to say something," Desmond suddenly spoke, his voice strangely harsh. She wasn't used to hearing him being so angry, so she looked at him, taken aback. What was he about to say? What could she possibly have done to upset him so much? "You know what strikes me as odd?" he asked and when she just waited for him to continue, he did. "You're this young, beautiful, amazing and yes, don't you dare deny it, selfless girl, and you keep diminishing yourself." Julie frowned when hearing those words coming from her friend's mouth, but then she realized that he suspected she hated herself for what she'd done in her past when the real reason for her somberness was the danger and the unknown coming from the island. They were never safe anymore. Still, she let him speak because she discovered that she liked that he cared so much. That he truly cared about her and her well-being. He was trying to help her like no one else on this island did. Maybe like no one had ever tried in her life.

"I keep wondering why?" Desmond went on, not noticing the change in her expression. Maybe it was simply too dark for that. Maybe it was a good thing, Julie thought as she was clearly showing off too much at the moment. Just the fact that he was willing to tell her all of this, that he couldn't stand her feeling guilty about what she'd done, made her feel better, special somehow. "Why?" he repeated, nearly breathlessly.

In that moment, she realized he was actually asking her what she thought. It wasn't a rhetorical question, so she complied, said what always lay heavily on her soul, "I don't think anyone ever really liked me," she confessed, suddenly seeming so small and fragile to him that he needed to resist the urge to put his arms around her and comfort her.

"Maybe they were just jealous," he finally offered some explanation.

She chuckled, shrugged, then said, "Maybe… but all of them?" she asked him. "I don't think so. No one ever truly loved me either. No one was really interested in me. I still don't know why. I don't consider myself ugly and I don't think I repulse people."

"Of course you don't do that," Desmond said, his voice appalled that she could ever think this way of herself.

"Maybe I am… or was…" she started again, unsure, "too strong-minded, too stubborn. Maybe I'm the strong kind of a woman that men don't really like because they can't subdue me. I don't know."

"In our times I think it's a good quality that you can stand up for yourself," he noticed.

"But I didn't do it when I really needed to," she admitted, silently wondering if she would ever be able to deal with her demons once or for all. Or maybe just one demon for that matter.

"He was an asshole for not seeing you for who you really are. And trust me when I say that you are amazing," Desmond told her, torn between telling her the truth to make her feel better and make her realize how he saw her and telling her too much. "I wish I could kick his ass right now," he added to make her laugh and it worked. He listened to the cheerful sound with pleasure. "I will if we ever get out of here," he decided and then thought that maybe he shouldn't have said that. She stopped laughing immediately.

"Yeah, let's hope we will. We can't lose that hope because then we'll lose everything." She nodded. "And once we do get out, I'm really looking forward to see it." The she stood up and dusted herself off. "It's getting cold and I need some sleep anyway. Thank you, Desmond. For seeing the best in me," she added and without waiting for his answer, she turned around and walked towards her tent.

As always during the nighttime, Julie was being tormented by her nightmares. If it wasn't about the humiliation she'd endured back in Australia, it was about the plane falling. Both those dreams caused her to wake up in terror, both affected her heavily even if in a slightly different way. Today the feeling of a broken heart - or more like broken illusions - wasn't there, replaced by the terror affecting every nerve in her body, by the feeling of falling along with the plane. Falling into the unknown. Falling towards certain death…

Julie opened her eyes widely and clenched her hands on the rim of the blanket she slept under like she was looking for purchase, for something she could hold onto so she wouldn't keep falling and eventually crash. Her heart was hammering in her chest as the nightmare was leaving her, the realization that she'd actually survived the crash washing over her along with relief. She was safe. At least she was as safe as she could be at the moment. She wasn't dying. She was on the ground.

She took a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm herself down, to lower her heart rate. Eventually, she managed to do it only to some point. Then she decided she wasn't ready to get back to sleep just yet. She needed to take a walk, to clear her head, maybe to reconnect herself with the ground. With the decision made, she got out of her tent. It was nearly dawn as she looked up into the sky, the air fresh and slightly chilly, a pleasant change from the humidity and heaviness that would soon return with the sun rising on the horizon. Julie took another deep breath, clearing her head and senses and when she stretched herself, she spotted that she wasn't alone on the beach, after all. Every single survivor except her was still asleep, but there was one person walking down the shore - Desmond.

"Can't sleep?" she asked him when making her way to him and hugging herself as the cold breeze of the morning enveloped her.

"I can't remember the last time I actually slept through the whole night," he admitted, somberly looking into the horizon.

"Bad dreams?" she guessed. "Join the club."

"Well, actually…" Desmond hesitated, not sure how much he could tell her. "I can't sleep because for the last three years I'd been entering the code to the computer down the hatch."

"Oh, right," Julie nodded. "I'm sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how you managed that."

"Well, I had no choice and the alarm sounded every 108 minutes." He shrugged. Still, she could see him visibly tensing under the scrutiny of her eyes.

"You never told me about that time," she realized. "And I guess it must've taken quite a toll on you."

"I…" he started, looking at her briefly and then he just shook his head. "I can't. Well, there's not much to say anyway. I nearly drove myself crazy when being stuck in there alone and then when I thought my replacement arrived…" he came to an abrupt stop and he shook his head again, then picked up a rock from the shore and threw it back into the ocean.

"What aren't you telling me?" Julie got curious. "You told me about losing the woman you loved the first time we met. What could possibly be worse than that?" she asked with delicacy. "Desmond, you know you can trust me, don't you?"

"I thought once that losing Penny was the worst thing that could ever happen to me, but then I realized that it wasn't true," he confessed. "Being in confinement, seclusion for so long with nothing but your own thoughts and voice as a companion is actually worse. Still, what I'm not saying isn't because I don't trust you. Jack and Locke already know. I just…" He sighed and looked at her, "I'm afraid that once I tell you, you'll never want to speak to me again."

"What? Why wouldn't I?" she asked in surprise, her eyes opening widely.

"Tell me why you can't sleep, Julie," Desmond inquired when picking up another rock. By now she knew him well enough to tell that when he tried to occupy his hands with something, he was generally troubled.

"I keep dreaming about going down, falling in a plane," Julie confessed, hugging herself tighter and shifting her feet in the sand. "I feel I'm about to die and there's nothing that terrifies me more. I've already lived through that, I felt it and… I relive it pretty much every night. It's horrible. Then I wake up and I know I'm safe. That I'm on the ground. That I'm alive and not dead, but… are we truly safe on this island? I don't think so. Maybe we won't be safe till the day we die."

For a moment there, Desmond was watching her face. He hated that she was so scared. He hated that she had to experience that fear all over again nearly every night.

"Well?" she prompted, waiting for him to say something. "If that was quick pro quo, then it's your turn, mister. What aren't you telling me? You know things that I'm scared of and things that made me feel humiliated in the past."

"I'm just afraid that once you know what I've really done, you'll refuse to speak to me again," he rephrased what he'd told her a moment ago.

"I don't understand. Did you kill someone or something?"

"Well, kind of," he admitted and she raised her eyebrows at him. "It was an accident…" he followed with an explanation.

"Wait, you're talking about the other guy in the hatch?" she guessed. "Then I know it was an accident. I already heard about that one."

"Does it matter that things we did were accidents when people lost their lives?" Desmond asked.

"People?" Julie frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You know that the code needs to be entered into the computer in the hatch every 108 minutes," he said and she nodded. "And do you know what happens when you don't do it?" This time she shook her head. "No one truly knows because in the end, everyone always enter the code in fear. But I got close to not doing it. The day my companion died. The day I found out that he'd been lying to me all that time and that I actually could go out without fear of being contaminated. He just wanted somebody there, he wanted another human being so badly that he chose to lie to me in order to keep me down there."

"It was a terrible thing to do," Julie agreed.

"Well, I get it now. I really do," Desmond admitted. "When he died, I was alone and I was so close to losing my own sanity that till this day I'm sometimes scared that I'll go crazy…" he stopped for a moment and then started again. "The day he died, I was late. I thought that if he lied about going out, then he could've lied about the code as well. I was wrong." Desmond met Julie's eyes evenly. "I came back to the hatch and everything was just… hectic there. I caused the system's failure and I barely managed to enter the code. I thought it was too late for a moment…" his voice broke off.

"So you did enter the code and everything went back to normal," Julie said, not understanding where he was going with this. "What's the problem, then?"

"The problem is that during that time a plane crashed on the island." His words stunned her completely and she could just stare at him with her eyes and mouth widely opened.

"Wait… what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I crashed your plane," he rephrased, making it clear for her. "Me. It wasn't an accident. I did it."

They were both silent for a moment until Julie finally spoke. She said something Desmond truly did not see coming, "It wasn't your fault."

By that time, his back was turned on her like he didn't really want to see the look on her face. He didn't want to see the disappointment there, the understanding to why he'd called himself a coward and a failure the first time they'd met. He didn't want to see that she no longer liked him, that she actually hated him now.

"It was my fault!" he raised his voice slightly when swirling around and spreading his arms. "Mine and mine alone!"

"What Jack and Locke told you?" she wanted to know.

"Nothing. They never blamed me, but…"

"Exactly," Julie interrupted him. "They never blamed you because it wasn't really your fault." She came closer to him and looked up into his eyes. "If you need to look for blame, blame the man who didn't tell you the whole truth, who kept you down in the hatch by force, not allowing you to go home. If you want to blame someone, blame the Dharma Initiative. They built the hatch and conducted all those crazy experiments on this island. You couldn't have known. It's a miracle that you'd held on for so long down there when you weren't the one who actually volunteered for the job."

For a moment there, he thought that he heard her wrong. He didn't see any trace of hate or resentment on her face, just the opposite. She looked at him like she always did and as he thought of it more, she'd never been hateful of him. Suspicious that very first day, yes, but not hateful. She never judged him, but he also never judged her. Maybe most people wouldn't understand their problems and what they'd been through, but the important thing was that they understood each other.

"Don't act so surprised," Julie smiled to him, "and stop with that self-loathing and guilt, all right? You're a good man and if you did something wrong, it was by accident."

"It's always by accident, isn't it?" he asked.

"No," she denied, very sure of herself. "No, it's not. Some of us just choose to do the wrong thing like the others on this island. They took Claire while she was pregnant and you shouldn't touch a pregnant woman. They hung Charlie on a tree."

"All right, all right, I get your point." Desmond actually sent Julie a smile and it made her happy.

"Good." She smiled right back. "Now, let's go get some breakfast."

As they walked towards the makeshift diner on the beach, the rest was slowly getting up. Claire was holding Aaron in her arms and as she spotted Julie and Desmond making their way back to the camp, she smiled to Julie brightly and knowingly. Julie didn't really know what that kind of a smile implicated. She was just taking a walk with a friend, wasn't she? And so what that ever since she'd met him she'd been spending more of her time with him than with anyone else?