Connor woke up with Jellybean on his face. It happened every morning and he wasn't surprised that his cat was on the pillow next to him. He reached one hand up, burrowing it into the fur on her stomach. Her head popped up with a trill of surprise and she glanced at him before settling her head back on her paws.
"What was that noise?"
Connor couldn't help but smile at Jude's sleepy voice. He turned his back on Jelly to face the inside of his bed. Jude was still asleep, or so it looked, hugging his pillow and hiding almost completely underneath the covers.
"It was the cat."
"Oh." One of Jude's eyes half-opened and then he closed them both again. "What time is it?"
Connor sat up and glanced at his clock. "Nearly ten."
It wasn't that early, not really that late either. Connor had no idea what Jude's usual schedule was like, though. He could wake up at eight in the morning. He could stay in bed until afternoon. It was Connor's normal time to wake up when he was left alone on weekends, no school alarm or anything else to bother him into waking up. He reached his arms up and dragged Jellybean off the pillow and under the covers with him. She barely moved as he took her into his arms.
"Does the cat always sleep with you?"
"Jellybean," Connor said. "You can say her name."
"Jellybean," Jude said, and Connor could hear his sarcasm. "Why did you name her that?"
"I was so little," Connor said. "I'm not even sure that I had a reason!"
Jude laughed at him.
"And, yes, she does always sleep with me."
Connor looked over as Jude hesitantly stretched his hand out. Jellybean lifted her head, sniffing carefully at his fingers. She tilted her head, letting him touch her ear, but just barely. Then, she flicked her tail dismissively and put her head down on Connor's chest.
"Don't take it personally," Connor said.
"She doesn't like me," Jude whined.
"She'll get used to you," Connor promised. "You'll just have to come back."
"If you don't hate me by the end of the weekend."
"That's definitely not going to happen," Connor said. He couldn't imagine it.
Jude pulled the blankets more around him. "Your dad probably won't want me around once he sees me. Didn't you tell him that I was a friend from school?"
"Yeah, so?"
"So, there's a problem with the truth."
"Apparently, Mr. Smith," Connor said, almost laughing when Jude's face soured. "That's why I didn't say anything, you know, because I didn't think you'd want him to know. I'm not hiding you."
"Promise?"
Was it just Connor's imagination or did Jude sound self-conscious? Either way, he promised, because as if he wouldn't. As if Jude wasn't the best friend he'd ever had, even with the things they couldn't say to one another, because there were still things that they could say to one another. He was safe with Jude, no matter how often Jude teased the word 'dangerous' in front of him. Jelly stood up and left off him and Connor winced as he could feel her claws against his skin. He hoped she hadn't left marks but, at least, scratches on his chest would be easy to hide. She'd be in trouble if Adam knew that he had gotten scratched.
"Maybe we should get up," Connor said, watching Jellybean stalk out of the room. "Are you hungry?"
"Sure," Jude said. "What are we having?"
"Whatever is in the fridge. We might have to make something." Connor sat up. "What do you like for breakfast? Bacon, eggs, French toast?"
"All of it."
Connor laughed. "There's tomorrow morning too. What do you want this morning?"
"Bacon. I love scrambled eggs."
As if they were the most important things in the world, Connor thought of how he knew that Jude liked pepperoni pizza and scrambled eggs. He just wanted to know Jude. All of him. He pulled his leg toward him, glancing at his calf as his pyjama pant rolled up. His rash was red and angry and all he wanted to do was itch it until it bled. Instead, he pulled the pant leg back down and left his room, heading into the bathroom so that he could do something about it.
When he came out, Jude was already downstairs, rifling through his cupboards.
"I thought I might try and get something started but I can't find a frying pan."
"Next one over," Connor said. "You were close."
"But no cigar," Jude said, and then he frowned. "I don't understand that saying."
"I've never heard it before," Connor admitted. He opened the cupboard, glanced at the medication bottles, and then glanced at Jude. He could wait a few minutes for Jude to leave the room.
Instead, he fished out the bacon and eggs from the fridge while Jude put two pans down on the stove.
"Do you have music or anything?" Jude asked. "Quiet's kind of weird."
Connor could agree with that. He went into the living room and turned on the TV, putting the volume up loud enough that they would be able to hear the music in the kitchen. He caught Jude heading up the stairs and he nearly fell over his own feet in an effort to get to the kitchen. He quickly swallowed his pills, shutting the cupboard door. He hoped Jude didn't open that one – or hadn't already in his efforts to get through the kitchen. Jude wasn't stupid and Jude was getting good enough at reading. Connor couldn't be able to lie to him and say that they were Adam's pills.
Connor carefully washed his hands and then laid the bacon out in the pan, turning the heat on low. He perked up when he heard Jude's footsteps, bringing him back into the kitchen. Connor put a bowl on the counter.
"Want to start cracking eggs?"
"Okay," Jude said. "Do you, um, have garlic salt?"
"Maybe. Why?"
"My mom used to put a little garlic salt in her eggs, I guess."
"Your mom?" Connor asked, his hand half in the shelf full of seasonings. Was it mean to think that he doubted Jude had a mom?
"Well, I never got to really know her," Jude mumbled. "I heard that second hand but I … I haven't been able to try it."
Oh.
Connor put the garlic salt down on the counter. "It's your lucky day. What else do you want in them? Cheese?"
"We have to add milk," Jude said.
"Right."
Was it too sheltered of him to think that he had never made scrambled eggs before? He had made other things but not scrambled eggs. He didn't admit it to Jude – he just placed the milk carton next to him and went about being busy with the bacon. Jude didn't measure anything, he just dumped the milk in the bowl.
"Should we shred the cheese?"
Connor could do that.
"So, your guardian isn't your mom," Connor said.
"No," Jude said. "I don't like talking about it."
"It's a secret too," Connor surmised.
"Yeah, but I feel bad about keeping it. It's the only one that's necessary."
Connor dumped the cheese into Jude's bowl. "So, I get to know everything else?"
"I'm not that interesting."
"You are." It felt like too much to Connor, somehow, and he started to feel uneasy. "I mean, you're my friend. I find you interesting."
"Right," Jude said. "But I'm really not all that interesting."
"Agree to disagree."
"If you want to know all about me, do I get to know all about you?"
"You accusing me of hiding things?" Connor asked, hoping his look didn't give him away. His stomach ached and he thought of Ms. Adams. To tell Jude the truth, to admit what it was hard to say to himself some days –
"No, I don't think you are. Honestly, I'd say you're probably too honest. At least too honest looking."
No. He'd be even guiltier now to tell Jude and nothing had changed since he had talked to Ms. Adams about Jude. He was still being selfish. He still wanted Jude in the dark so that he didn't have to see the same look on Jude's face that he had seen on his old friends' all those years ago. Jude was more than they had been. Somehow, Connor knew that. Even though he wasn't sure in what way yet.
"What? I'm not dangerous?"
Jude laughed and poured the eggs in the pan. "Have you gone outside yet?"
"Yes, in the past twenty-four hours, even!"
"Not in the past twelve."
"Well, neither have you."
Jude had nothing to say to that and he just good-naturedly glowered at Connor from under his bright blue bangs. Connor flipped the bacon again; it was starting to look done.
"So, what are we doing today?" Jude asked.
"Um, I don't know. Movies, video games, anything. I mean, we don't have to stay inside but Dad did say he wanted us close to the house and there's really nothing to do that doesn't involve a bus."
"Video games wouldn't be any fun," Jude said. "You'd beat me too easily."
"I didn't say I was good at them," Connor said, though he knew that he was decent at the games he owned. He just didn't want Jude to feel bad.
"I've never really played. Hey, these are done, by the way. Also, I hate the thought of you constantly teaching me."
"Hey, there's no teaching in Mario Kart. You either suck or you don't." Connor put plates down on the counter next to Jude. "Does it hurt to try?"
"After breakfast, maybe," Jude conceded.
"You can teach me stuff," Connor said.
"There's nothing I can do that's worth you knowing," Jude said, and a shadow passed across his face.
Connor hated that Jude was so unhappy and hated not understanding it. How could he help when he didn't know what the problem was at all?
"You'll think of something," Connor said. "Maybe you can dye my hair one day."
That made Jude smile. He put eggs on both plates, piling them on top of the bacon. "What colour?"
"We probably don't want to match."
"People might think we're twins or something."
Connor led the way to the coffee table. "I don't think we look that much alike. What about green?"
"You'd look moldy."
"Moldy?!" Connor exclaimed. "Okay, what about purple? Or pink?"
"Too gay," Jude said dismissively and Connor frowned.
"Jude –"
"We'll think of something," Jude said. "Maybe if we do a little bit of blue and green –"
"Jude!"
"What?" Jude stared at him, big brown eyes that didn't give anything away.
"Um, I … I am gay."
Something took over Jude's face. "You didn't just say that."
"Why not? Are you homophobic or something?"
"No!" Jude blurted. "But … my guardian, my … the place I live … Are you … out?"
"Just to you and Ms. Adams," Connor said, "but I don't understand."
"You won't," Jude promised, "but, listen, if you are out, I can't be around you. It's … It'll be dangerous for you if we spend any time together. Dangerous for me too."
"I don't understand," Connor repeated.
"Just don't push it," Jude said and he returned to his bacon.
Connor stuck his fork through his eggs but he didn't really feel hungry anymore, and not for the usual reasons. How could Connor feel fine? He had thought Jude was someone who would accept him, who would care about him. He thought that being gay was something that – finally – he didn't have to hide from someone. Someone who was a real friend. Ms. Adams was a little like a therapist, telling her wasn't the same. And Jude didn't accept him. Jude had essentially said that he was sticking his fingers in his ears and not listening to Connor. It was crushing. He wanted to say more but Jude's words rang in his head: just don't push it.
"Do you want me to go?" Jude asked.
"I want you to explain."
"Where I live, they don't like me and they don't like … gay people. Well, they don't like a lot of people but they really don't like gay people. I have to toe a line and my guardian isn't, um, really fond of me even having a friend and so if they thought … They wouldn't be nice to me. They wouldn't be nice to you, either." Jude put his plate on the table and pulled his knees up to his chest. "I don't care. I mean, you're my friend and that's what you'll be to me but it's about more than me. They've hurt me before. They thought I was … gay and they hurt me because of it. They'll hurt you. Kill you. I don't know. If you want to be around me, you can't be like that."
"Why do you stay there?" Connor asked quietly.
"They have the only thing I love," Jude said. "I'm all out of options."
Jude was right – Connor didn't really understand after all.
"I don't want you to go," Connor said, because that was all he knew how to say. "But are you sure that you want to stay, if your home is like that?"
"Well, you're not going to tell them," Jude said. "And I want to be your friend."
"I want to be your friend too."
"Then it'll be fine," Jude said.
"As long as we don't talk about it."
"What's there to talk about?" Jude asked. "It wasn't like we talked about it before. What difference does it really make?"
None, Connor supposed, though he couldn't help but feel rejected. He took another bite of his eggs and found that he wasn't any hungrier.
(-.-)
Jude couldn't focus on the game controller in his hands. Fortunately for him, Mario Kart didn't actually take a significant amount of thought. The only thing going through his head was that Connor was gay. Connor was gay. Connor. Was. Gay! And Jude wished that he were normal, that he lived in a house with a family that cared about him and that wouldn't care about who he was or what he said, so then eh could say, well, me too and I've got a crush on you. Instead, Jude bit his tongue, because he wasn't allowed to be him.
It made sense. He didn't like it but it made sense. Before he had known who he was, back when Callie and Nic had just met and they were still new to the apartment, Nic's friends had decided who he was. He didn't know if it was the way that he looked or Callie had let it slip why they had run away from their last foster home and Nic's friends had decided that his old foster father had the right idea when it came to him but they had taken one look at him, decided fag, and shouted it at him while beating him into a pulp. He had been bruised so badly that it had felt like months before his face had gone back to normal. He had probably broken ribs that had never set properly, since they still pained him every so often. He had been mostly left alone in the attic apartment for those painful months, Callie sweet-talking Nic into leaving him alone. When she was around, she tipped painkillers into his mouth that helped but also made him feel just plain sick, and she also told him that it didn't matter who he was, it just mattered who he pretended to be. It was advice that Jude had taken to heart.
It hurt him enough to like Connor. How was he supposed to cope with the fact that Connor was gay? That, if things were different, Connor might like him back. How was he supposed to live with that thought?
Jude could tell that he had just made Connor feel bad. He didn't want to explain everything about that experience to Connor. He didn't want to have to tell Connor how bad his life truly was. It was only going to make things more uncomfortable for both of them.
"Thanks for not kicking me out," Jude said, watching his avatar tailgate Connor's.
"I told you, I didn't want to." Connor was quiet for a moment. "You're better at this game than I thought. You told me you couldn't play."
"You told me you could," Jude said, and he was glad that Connor smiled at the jab. He was afraid his friend would be too angry with him.
"All right, all right. Best three of five?"
"Okay. You look tired, though." Even after they'd just woke up.
"One of those days. Kinda just want to nap. Which is rude to you."
"I can read to you some more," Jude said, like it was a peace offering.
"I'd like that. Thanks."
"Can we restart chapter three, though? I messed up a lot last night and I don't know what part you fell asleep at."
"Thanks, Jude. I'd appreciate it."
"But, best three of five, first."
Connor nodded and they switched to a new circuit. Jude could barely focus on the virtual road. He kept stealing glance over at Connor. Connor, who was hot enough that it made Jude's stomach physically hurt. Connor, who was sweet and who was starting to leak into Jude's dreams. Connor, who was like no one Jude had ever met before or would ever meet again. What was he supposed to do with Connor now? Connor's confession felt like it changed so much and so little. Connor won the next game, like Jude had thought he would, Jude rushed to get the book. He flipped through the pages as he descended the stairs, nearly knocking off some of his sticky notes. He sat down on the couch and, to his relief, Connor rested his head down on his shoulder, closing his eyes like he normally did.
"Walter Cunningham," Connor prompted.
"Right," Jude said. He opened the book a little further and then Connor reached up his hand to grab onto Jude's wrist. "Something wrong?"
"Are you sure you still want to be my friend?" Connor asked. "You … You're the first real person I've told that to, you know. I trust you."
"I trust you too," Jude said, but even his own mind asked him how much. "And we're still friends. It doesn't change us."
"Okay." Connor said. "Catching Walter Cunningham …"
Jude smirked and he had half a mind to see how far Connor would get before he actually needed the book. Instead, he smoothly picked up, "in the schoolyard gave me some pleasure …"
It was the best way, Jude decided, to spend an afternoon.
(-.-)
"When's the cat going to stop staring at me?"
"When are you going to stop staring at the cat?" Connor teased in return. "Feed her some chicken. She might warm up to you."
Jude pinched chicken off his nugget and dropped it on the floor. Jellybean didn't leap like she did when Connor fed her, but she did hesitantly pad over to him, sniffing the chicken suspiciously before she snapped it up. Jude offered her his hand and she sniffed his fingers before jumping up on the couch, curling up next to Connor's thigh.
"I think it helped."
"Yeah," Jude agreed. It shouldn't matter so much that the animal like him but he couldn't ignore the fact that it did. "Um, what time should I leave tomorrow?"
"Dad said he'll be back at noon but you don't have to leave before he gets here."
"I kind of do," Jude said. "I hate new people. I don't like people knowing my name."
"I'll keep your secrets," Connor said.
"I'll keep yours."
"Jude, I …" Connor sighed. "I wish that I never had to keep secrets."
"What kind of secrets do you keep?"
"The secret kind," Connor said, but he was grinning and Jude didn't worry. As if Connor had anything real to keep from him. His secrets wouldn't go bump in the night like Jude's did. "You get to ask me that when you tell me all of your secrets."
"Okay," Jude agreed, because he knew that no matter how close of friends that he became with Connor, they would never reach that point. Jude kind of wanted to, kind of trusted Connor way more than he probably should, but he knew that he could never let them get that close. It had been his accepted way of life for years; he had never thought about questioning it. Now that he had, he was a little heartbroken because he knew, in a different world, Connor would have liked him back.
Probably.
"I'll set an alarm for ten," Connor said, "that way we can have breakfast before you go. I did promise you French toast."
"You did," Jude agreed.
"I'll be right back."
"Okay."
Jude sat still as Connor gently moved Jellybean over and then left the couch, ascending the stairs. Feeling silly, Jude extended his hand. Jellybean flicked her tail but extended her neck to sniff along his fingers.
"I want you to like me." It felt stupid telling her that but her ears spun forward to listen to him, just like they did when Connor talked to her. "I like him and I feel like it's important that you like me too. Like I'm meeting his mom or his sister or something. If he ever met my sister, it would be important that they got along. Which is stupid. It's not like we're dating."
Jude said it all in a whisper, like he was expecting Connor to be able to hear him from all the way upstairs. Jellybean's ears flicked about again and her tail rolled up to rest against her side.
"You know more than people do," Jude decided, just from the look in her eye. Or maybe it wasn't that she knew more, maybe it was just that, being a cat, she could see better.
Jellybean shoved herself to her feet and Jude thought she was going to jump off the couch and run away from him. Then, he would have to explain to Connor how he had scared off the cat when Connor asked her where she went. Instead, she took a hesitant step toward him and sniffed at his wrist, cocking her head. Jude held perfectly still, barely even breathing, as she inspected him. Connor's footsteps reached their ears and then she did jump from the couch.
"She got scared away when you came down," Jude blurted.
"That's okay. She does her own thing. You probably get that."
"I'm old enough to not need a babysitter," Jude pointed out.
"When's your birthday?" Connor asked.
"November."
Connor frowned, looking him over. "You'll be sixteen?"
Jude could understand his look. Jude was small, skinny, young looking. If he said he was twelve, most people probably wouldn't question him on it.
"No," Jude said. "I'll be fifteen."
"I thought you were fifteen."
"Practically!" Jude said. "I didn't think it mattered!"
Connor just laughed at him. "That's two lies, Mr. Smith. You know what that means?"
"What?" Jude said after a pause. For a moment, he had been afraid to ask.
"You have to take the dishes back to the kitchen and return with ice-cream," Connor said, handing Jude his used plate.
"Okay," Jude agreed. "That's fair."
"And think about what you want for your birthday," Connor said. "I'm going to ask when you get back."
Jude stood from the couch slowly. "You don't have to get me anything."
"You're my best friend."
Jude's stomach clenched. Connor was perfect. Connor was actually just perfect. If Jude kissed him, Jude would probably get kissed back. And that hurt more than thinking that he was going through a hopeless crush on a straight boy. He held his breath as he turned to the kitchen.
"How much ice cream do you want?"
"Two scoops," Connor said. "Dad's not here, we can do whatever want."
"Other kids would be chugging vodka."
"Dad only drinks beer."
Jude smirked as he headed into the kitchen, putting the dishes into the dishwasher. He dug out two bowls and hunted out the chocolate ice-cream. After a few days, he was already comfortable in Connor's house. It was better than he had ever felt in the past few years in Nic's attic, even with Callie to ground him and be the part of that house that was home. He moved slowly, putting equal amounts of ice-cream in each bowl. What could he ask for, for his birthday? What would make sense? Jude didn't like keeping physical objects around. Things would just get stolen and destroyed. He knew he had drawn out his time in the kitchen for long enough. He picked up both bowls, careful not to spill the spoons, and went back to the couch, putting Connor's in his hands before curling back up in his spot.
"So," Connor said, "what do you want for your birthday?"
"Um, one of those fancy cupcakes, you know? From the bakery everyone is always talking about. I hear that their mocha ones are the best ones."
"Okay," Connor said. "Deal. I'll get you a candle, too. You have to make it as birthday-ee as possible."
"Birthday-ee," Jude snorted, and Connor laughed at himself. "No, I like it."
"I didn't know what else to say!" Connor exclaimed. "My brain's probably addled, right, Jellybean?"
She meowed at him.
"What addled your brain?"
"I was probably born this way," Connor mused, and he gently pushed Jellybean's head away from his bowl. "Chocolate is bad for you."
"Chocolate's bad for everyone."
"Did you want to give me your share?"
"No," Jude said, swirling the chocolate around the bottom of the bowl. Had he ever been so full? "I've licked it."
"What? Do you have cooties?"
"No. Only girls have cooties."
Connor laughed. "I've never kissed anyone."
"Me either."
"So, neither of us probably have cooties."
"Probably not."
What did flirting sound like? Jude wondered. He wondered if it would sound like that and he knew he had to stop hoping that it would sound like that. He had to turn off his feelings. He had to stop letting his thoughts turn to Connor, no matter what he was doing. Maybe if he stopped thinking about how much he liked his best friend, he would stop liking his best friend. It was a vain hope, Jude knew, but it was all he had. It wasn't as though he could ask anyone for advice. He was stuck in place.
"We don't have to test that tonight, though."
Tonight. Jude wondered if Connor was trying to imagine a different night when Jude wasn't scared and maybe they wanted to catch cooties from each other. He shook his head, trying to shake the thoughts straight out of his brain. He and Connor were friends. That was fine.
That was totally fine.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~