"You are nothing to me! You were just a body to fuck!"
Julie opened her eyes widely, waking up with a gasp. Once again she'd had a nightmare, but this time is wasn't the plane falling. She actually hadn't dreamt about that ever since her talk with Desmond at dawn. It seemed like once she told someone else about her nightmare, it became more bearable for her, like getting it all out made it possible for her to move past that and leave it behind her. Sometimes Julie thought that Desmond was the one person that kept her grounded, the one person who was preventing her from falling. It was a silly thought, she knew that, but she couldn't help it. It was nice to have someone who understood her and was simply there for her. Only Desmond wasn't there at the moment and she didn't want to run to him every time she was scared or had a bad dream. She wasn't a child. She was a grown woman and he was already older than she was, so she didn't want him to see her as a young girl who needed fatherly protection. At the very thought of that, she felt like gagging. She would never think of him as a father figure. She… Julie just shook her head. Another valid reason to why she shouldn't talk to Desmond at the moment was that she didn't want to tell him all the details about her first love and how her heart was crashed because of it. Even though she'd been in love with the idea of the man, it didn't mean it wasn't real. She experienced her first love this way and there was no going back. Everyone had baggage. Desmond had had Penny. She'd had that guy… And she needed to put him behind her once and for all because otherwise, she would never be able to move on and trust someone with her heart again. And she really wanted to be able to do that. She truly wanted to experience the kind of love she thought she deserved to feel. The requited kind.
She got up, feeling her heart still racing. What she'd dreamt of made her feel humiliated and diminished all over again. It was true that words hurt the most and she knew it from her own experience. To be told by the one man she'd thought she would spend her future with, that she was just a body to fuck, just a convenience, was the worst thing that had ever happened to her. She realized that it was even worse than the plane crash since it was a person berating her, screaming at her all the things she never wanted to hear. All the things that were her biggest fear coming true. It wasn't something she knew happened to her by accident like the plane falling. It was his own doing.
She pictured herself Desmond smiling, looking at her with that mysterious, yet significant expression in his eyes. She could truly see him there, in her future. She wasn't sure who he would eventually become to her, but she was sure that there was something there between them. Only just because she was careful, she tried hard not to wander off in her fantasies. She'd done it once already and gotten burnt pretty badly. Still, Desmond wasn't the guy she'd been with in Australia. Desmond seemed to be his complete opposite. He didn't deserve treating him with reserve and he also didn't deserve her pushing him away or keeping him at distance just because of something someone else had done to her.
Julie knew right then and there that if she didn't come to terms with her past, she would never be able to move on. She remembered all those looks Desmond was giving her every time she said something that indicated she was inferior, not good enough or just unlovable. At first, he'd been surprised, tried to convince her otherwise, then he'd just been angry both at her for ever thinking that low of herself and at the very person who'd made her feel that way.
"Well, it ends today," Julie said aloud since she was alone. She would deal with it. She would move on.
Only moving on suddenly seemed even harder since she was still stranded on the island with no hope to be rescued.
She left her tent with a sigh and then she stilled, frozen in place as she spotted something out of the corner of her eye. No, it wasn't possible, she thought. She decided to face her own demons, but she never meant it literally. Doing it this way just wasn't possible. Yet, she saw it. Right there, in the woods. He was standing there, partially hidden in the shadows. He was wearing his suit, his blond hair was cut in the recent fashion, the self-assuring smirk was on its place and his hands were stuck in the pockets of his pants. He was watching her, not letting her out of his sight, not even blinking. He was just standing there and laughing at her, at her own stupidity and naivety. Sure, let him laugh at the girl who loved too easily, she thought, once again feeling the familiar ache in her heart. Only she knew better by now. Her heart no longer swooned at his sight. Her breathing didn't elevate. She didn't feel hope for the future. She wasn't dreaming about him anymore. She'd done all of that and more and it hadn't brought her happiness, just the opposite.
Why did she see him? He wasn't on the plane, therefore he couldn't possibly be here, on the island. Was her mind playing tricks on her? Was she going crazy? Or did she just receive a proof that this island was a strange and haunted place? She heard stories about the survivors seeing things. Things that couldn't possibly be there. Was it happening to her now? Was she next? If so, why?
Maybe she shouldn't question it. Maybe she should just go with it. She'd wanted to deal with her past so she could move on. Maybe this was her chance. She wouldn't waste it. She wouldn't chicken out. She needed to be brave this time. He was waiting for her to come to him, to face him. She knew he was hoping she wouldn't. He was hoping she would turn out to be a coward, that she would go back into her tent and never get out again. Well, he had another thing coming.
Julie started off in his direction without hesitation, her heart beating faster, but not because of her feelings for him. This time she was simply scared.
There was no bravery without fear, she convinced herself and her steps didn't waver.
He saw her approaching and then he turned around, disappearing in the jungle.
She quickened her pace, running after him.
They entered their hotel apartment in Sydney. She knew why he took her with him. She knew what he wanted to do with her and she was looking forward to it with both pleasant and nervous anticipation. She wanted it. She wanted this man. She wondered how much he would like the sexy lingerie she was wearing right now. She would soon find out. It was in his favorite color, after all. And it would be their first time together.
He kissed her, his mouth demanding, his tongue darting out and disappearing in her mouth, his hands roaming through her back, resting on her ass and squeezing, then slipping lower, between her cheeks, touching her intimately. He was demanding. He took what he wanted and he took it fast. She could already feel him hard and ready against her, even if through the layers of clothing they both wore. Then the clothes started disappearing, and fast. And suddenly, she was in her underwear and he was half-naked. Then she was pushed towards the bed, being undressed, his hands all over her, his mouth followed. And then he was spreading her legs and sliding in, filling her, being even more rough, fucking her like he wanted to…
She lay awake whereas he was long asleep.
She still seemed to be overwhelmed by everything that had happened that night between them. It'd supposed to be wonderful, it'd supposed to be about mutual desire and love and need and… there'd supposed to be fireworks. She'd supposed to explode. She'd supposed to want him as close to her as possible, as deep… She'd supposed to like the feel of his body on her, all over her. She'd never expected a slow and sweet love making. No, it wasn't about that. But she had expected it to be meaningful, overwhelming just the same. An awakening. Something that felt right. Instead, ever since he'd laid his hands on her it'd just been foreign, weird. She couldn't understand while it felt that way, like they didn't really belong, didn't click. They were just two bodies having sex, nothing more, nothing less. People who had feelings for each other should feel something more, shouldn't they? And she did love this man, didn't she? Yes, she was pretty sure she did in her heart, so why when he'd kissed her, undressed her, touched her and eventually entered, coming inside of her… Why didn't it felt real and consuming? Why did it just feel heavy on her? Like it was… wrong, she realized in horrification, but didn't want to admit that just yet. It was only their first time, after all, and they still had to learn each other's bodies. She'd come for him, hadn't she? Still, it was just a small explosion and she remembered having much better orgasms with just her own hand and her fantasies. Wasn't the real thing, real love, supposed to feel better than a fantasy? Or was it just overrated?
She kept on lying awake on her back with only the sheets covering her naked body and the presence of the equally naked man beside her. He rolled over to the other side as he was already sleeping and then she felt too naked, too exposed, like she was ashamed, but in the same time she knew there was nothing to be ashamed of. What they'd done was natural. Her body looked great. His as well. Why should she feel wrong and out of place in his bed?
She still took more sheet in her hands and covered herself up more securely.
It would get better, she told herself. It was just new. She still believed they were meant to be, didn't she? Who else was out there for her? Who else she could belong to like this? He was beautiful and smart and their careers would be interwoven together for the rest of their lives. He was everything she could ever dream of.
He needed to be it.
Otherwise, she was just… lost.
The moment Julie stepped into a small clearing in the jungle, he disappeared. Still, she'd seen him just a moment ago, hadn't she? Whether this was just a figment of her imagination or some crazy projection made by the strange and wacky place she was stranded in, she had seen him.
"Where are you?" she asked into nothingness, her voice trembling as she was both scared to face him again and wanted to just get it over with in order to move on towards something better. She needed closure, not matter how hard it was for her to get one. "What do you want from me?!" she screamed.
Suddenly, she was struck by a brief moment of panic as she looked up into the sky. The sun was already high on the horizon. When she'd left the beach camp it was barely morning and now it seemed to be noon. She could feel her lips drying out, parched as she hadn't drunk or eaten anything for such a long time. Considering the place she was in, it wasn't a responsible thing to do to just venture out into the jungle when not telling anyone that she was leaving and not taking any water with her. What had she been thinking once she'd started following that apparition anyway? How stupid could she really be? It was like she'd been in some strange kind of a trance up till now. Maybe she hadn't seen anything at all? Maybe it was just a trick her mind was playing on her so she could punish herself? After all, she thought she deserved to be punished even if Desmond would scold her for that.
"Fuck this," she cursed under her breath. "Desmond was right. People make mistakes! I should just get over myself!" She turned around with the intention to go back to the camp, but in that very moment, her foot slipped and she found herself losing her balance and then tumbling down a small slope. She would've been fine if only she hadn't sprained her ankle… Sharp pain and panic affected all her senses for a moment and then her mind just shut down.
They'd spent a week together and Julie knew that it wasn't working. She was more confused and lost than ever. She didn't know what she'd been thinking once she'd figured they would be a perfect match, that he would be a perfect partner for her. And he was only making things worse when standing there, in the middle of their hotel apartment, screaming at her. She didn't know what to think, what to do and where to go from there with her life and he was hurting her with every word that was coming out of his mouth. She couldn't take this now. She wasn't ready to hear all those offensives directed towards her. She was vulnerable at the moment, crashed by her failed hopes and dreams. How could he be doing this to her? Was it really happening? It was like the worst nightmare coming true… Her world was crumbling down around her and she didn't know what her life was anymore. She didn't see the sense in existing like this. Everything she'd ever believed in, been so sure of, was now being squashed, stepped on, betrayed and destroyed. And it was all his doing. The very person she'd expected to care for her. He'd supposed to just care!
"What did you expect?!" he kept on yelling as he didn't get any reaction from her besides the crying. "That I'd give you a ring and we'd live happily ever after?! I'm not that kind of a guy! I never was and never will be! Nothing you can ever do will change that! I thought you knew that! That you weren't such a stupid little child to expect more from me! Do I really look like someone who has time for this shit?! Do I really look like I want to settle down in some stupid, unrealistic fairy tale?! Wake up, princess! There is no love! It's all just an illusion! The best you can do is to stop believing this crap and enjoy life!"
Those words hurt her so deeply that she felt like her heart was ripped out of her chest and squashed. It wasn't that he broke it. If she discovered something, it was that she'd never truly loved him; she'd loved the idea of him. Still, her chest was aching all over that somebody could be cruel and heartless enough to say those awful things to her. Who was he to tell her that love didn't exist? Just because he'd never felt it or just because he'd been burnt in the past, didn't mean that she had to experience it, too. Well, now she did. All thanks to him.
Somehow, she couldn't get a word out of her. There were so many things she wanted to tell him, to scream at him, yet, they just refused to leave her throat. All she could do was listen and cry and cover her face with her hands in shame.
"Great, just fucking great!" he went on screaming, throwing his hands into the air in anger and frustration. "You know what?! I don't need this fucking shit! You want the truth?! You were easy! Almost too easy, really! No thrill of the hunt, nothing! Just a pliant, little woman, so desperate for me to fuck her! In fact, you're nothing to me! You were just a body to fuck! Now get the fuck out of here and out of my life! I don't want to see you ever again!"
That one thing she actually could do. She could spare herself more of that humiliation and embarrassment and just leave. Leave for good. Never see him again. Maybe leave with dignity if she still had some left… But she didn't. She felt defiled, used and betrayed. She felt like a piece of rug. A whore, even. It wasn't supposed to be like this, but it was still all her fault. She was the one to push it! She was the one to create this crazy fantasy in her head when she should've just let it go.
She grabbed her suitcase with shaky hands, then went to the bedroom on trembling legs. She couldn't even look at the bed. She felt even worse once she did and was reminded of all those times she… and he… And he'd never cared about her at all. She was a human being, but to him she was something he could use, play around with and then just throw out.
As soon as all her things were in the suitcase, she closed it and went straight to the apartment's door. She didn't even bother with folding her clothes neatly, she just needed to get out of there as soon as possible. She couldn't stand his presence anymore. She needed to be alone. She needed to clear her mind and maybe… someday… forgive herself? Or maybe she never would. Maybe this would haunt her forever. This and the realization that it was all her doing. Without her assent, without her pushing, she wouldn't be here right now. She slammed the door so hard she thought it might bounce right off, but somehow it didn't.
It wasn't until she got to the airport, her mind all hazy, her senses on overload, that she realized she needed a ticket back home. Or a ticket somewhere, anywhere from here. She reached to her bag in search for her wallet, praying that she hadn't left it along with her passport back in the hotel apartment. She didn't. She had them with her. And inside was a ticket home. He'd done it. He'd bought it, she realized. He'd planned to get rid of her all along.
"You fucking bastard," she murmured under the breath, no longer hurting. Now she was just furious at the guy and wished she'd slapped him hard when she'd still had the chance. She considered tearing the ticket into pieces, but then she decided that she wouldn't waste anymore of her own money. She was going home and he was paying.
When Julie's mind finally cleared enough for her to be able to think, she realized that she'd actually passed out there for a moment. The overwhelming feeling of terror overcame her once again as she started panicking. The sun seemed to be low on the horizon by now. Where was she? Was she even going to survive? How long had it been since she'd drunk something? Normally a person could last without water for a pretty long time, but those were extreme circumstances. She'd already been exposed to heat and now she could feel her head aching, her throat drying out completely. She desperately needed water.
"Ok, ok, just calm yourself down," she spoke out loud and tried to take deep, even breaths to lower her heart rate.
She'd fallen down the slope, sprained her ankle and lost her consciousness, but it wasn't anything life threatening. All she needed to do now was to get up, climb back that slope and find her way back to the camp. She could do it. She had to do it, she told herself and tried to heave herself up. She immediately winced at the pain she felt in her ankle and it took her a few attempts to finally stand up. As soon as she tried to put her injured leg down, she hissed in pain. Frustrated, she kept her foot above the ground and when standing on the healthy one, she looked up. How was she going to climb up there when using only one foot? She would have to crawl. At the very thought of that, she cringed in fear of any insects or possible snakes that might be hidden in the grass.
Maybe somebody had noticed by now that she was missing? She wondered. Maybe they were looking for her? Unfortunately, her thoughts were followed by a bitter feeling as she realized that no one probably had. She was the weird girl. She was the outsider. If she wasn't on the beach, they probably thought she was swimming or sitting somewhere far away from them, brooding over her pathetic existence. She was the lonely girl. The antisocial one. The girl no one cared about. And it was her own fault. She was the one to keep her distance in fear of getting burn again. She was the one to think she'd rather not talk to any survivor for longer than necessary because she didn't want to hear what she was so scared of. All the epithets she'd heard back in Australia from the mouth of the one person she'd thought she would never hear them, broke her, caused her to stop trusting people, to stop giving them the benefit of the doubt. It was safer not to. That way she wouldn't be disappointed again.
Only the survivors from the flight 815 didn't deserve it. They had their own problems, their own demons. She wasn't alone in that, she realized. She'd been a fool to keep her distance, wallowing in her own pain, replaying everything that had happened to her in her mind over and over again. She wasn't unique in her problems because everybody had their own.
"And here you are, being pathetic again," she heard a voice that had once used to cause her heart to jump in happiness. Now she hated that sound more than anything. She hated everything about this man and she wished him to suffer, to die even. Why was she the one to wind up in a plane crash? Why hadn't he been here instead? He deserved it much more than she did. Maybe she didn't have the right to wish another being such awful things, even if the man had hurt her more than she thought possible, but she didn't care at the moment. She was done being the damsel in distress, done being the victim. She simply refused to anymore.
She wondered how many women had cried because of him before her and how many would after her. She knew that he wouldn't have taken her to Australia if she hadn't been so persistent in bumping into him, but she was also done feeling guilty. She'd taken a chance at what she'd felt at the moment was right. She'd gotten burnt, yes, but she'd still tried. She wasn't pathetic because of that. He was because he didn't have any respect towards women. She hadn't done anything wrong. He had.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It was time to forgive herself, time to deal with her past. She couldn't just go on living when hating herself for something she shouldn't even feel guilty about. Bad things happened to good people. Life happened. It was how you picked yourself up that mattered. And she was picking herself up now. It was high time for that. She'd already learnt from her mistakes and now was the time to be smarter about this and to start over.
She needed to face her demon even though, logically thinking, he wasn't there with her. He couldn't be. He was either a figment of her imagination or an apparition. She wasn't sure, but she didn't care. She needed to deal with that motherfucker once and for all and tell him all the things she should've said back in Australia. She just wished he'd really been there with her in the jungle, so he could hear her.
"I never really loved you," she said when looking straight into those cold, blue eyes. She was brave. She was done crying. "You never made me feel good. You think of yourself to be so perfect and so handsome, but in fact, you are the one who's nothing! You're just a pretty shell that hides the ugly inside! You're not even a good lover, for a god's sake! I don't know what women see in you anymore! I despise you and I choose to forget you and to forgive myself. You're nothing to me, do you hear me?! Nothing! You're not worth beating myself up! You're not worth wasting my life, wallowing in pain, staying away from people! I am done! I am truly done with you! Maybe I was in a plane crash because I ran away from you, but I am glad! Do you hear me?! I am fucking happy that the plane crashed because it freed me of you!" She came to a sudden stop, breathing the air deeply into her lungs and closing her eyes. She was thirsty, hungry and exhausted beyond belief, but she was also relieved. She felt liberated and light instead of heavy for the first time since she'd left that apartment to get to the airport in Sydney. He no longer wielded any power over her. She freed herself from his influence. She was her own person now. She was ready to move on, even if it meant doing it on this island. There was nothing holding her back anymore, no regrets, no guilt. There were just people to meet. People she was confident were mostly nice and suffering just like she'd had. People worth talking to and worth getting to know closer. There was Claire. There was Desmond. Somehow the thought of Desmond calmed her, make her feel hopeful for the future. He'd seen all of this in her before she even began to understand that none of what had happened to her was her fault.
She opened her eyes and the apparition was gone. She was truly alone now. Free. And that kind of freedom tasted amazing even if she still had a long way to go in order to get back to the camp. She could do it, she decided. She was strong enough. She would clench her teeth and push through the pain in her ankle. It didn't matter. There was a doctor on the beach who would take care of her once she got there.
Just as she was about to put her injured foot on the ground and move, she heard voices coming from afar. She froze, completely stunned, not able to believe quite yet that they might actually be looking for her.
Only they were doing exactly that, she realized as she was able to distinguish one of those voices. He was worried. He was scared for her. He had Scottish accent. He cared. He noticed her absence. He was looking!
Of course, he was! Why would she ever doubt that he would notice her being gone for so long? How on earth could she even forget about him? He was the one person she was confident that cared about her and one person was enough. It was all that she needed. All that it took to gather the rest to follow and look for her. They couldn't afford to lose people, not with the threat coming from the others. Not when they could be directly endangered by her disappearance as well. She was also reminded that Desmond had told her she helped the rest of the survivors every time they asked. She was doing it with a smile even when she didn't feel like smiling. And they remembered.
Julie didn't know whether she should start crying or laughing from her abrupt happiness. "Over here!" she settled on just calling out to them. "Desmond! I'm here! Please, help me!" quickly escaped from her mouth. She needed him there. She needed him to help her. And she didn't want anyone else to do it. For now, she didn't dwell on what it meant. She just wanted to get out of the jungle and find herself back on the beach. She needed water and food and rest.
There was some movement above her and then he was running down the slope, watching his steps as not to trip and finally, he was there, right by her side, his eyes scanning her frantically, looking for any possible injuries.
"Desmond!" she called his name again, so happy to see his concerned face, a huge smile forming on hers. He was truly worried about her, she could see that. She could see the twitch in his expression when he noticed the awkward position she was standing in. His care did something wonderful to her stomach. It flip-flopped and she suddenly felt lightheaded. Exhausted, dehydrated, hungry and overcame with heavy emotions wasn't a good mix, after all, and she stumbled, losing her foothold on the ground and falling directly into his arms. He caught her easily and she was overwhelmed again as she felt his arms going around her and he was hugging her tightly like he needed a physical proof by holding her that she was really there, that he found her and could finally stop worrying. She could feel the frantic beating of his heart as he held her so close and the heat coming off of his body as it came in contact with hers, the warm of his ragged breath against her temple and the prickling of his hair and the beard that he let grow back. All she could do was to just put her arms around him and hug him, too. She was too dazed to think, she could just act. Also, she finally felt safe. It finally felt right to be held.
"I'm here. It's ok. It's all going to be ok. You're safe now." She realized that he was whispering all those things to her ear in an urgent voice.
Apparently, it wasn't the end of surprises for her because the next second, she felt herself being lifted up and suddenly he was carrying her in his arms. He was carrying her back to the camp.
"It's just a minor sprain, nothing serious," Jack deduced when taking a look at Julie's ankle. "It'll heal on its own. You just need to avoid standing on it for too long for a couple of days or at least until the swelling goes down."
"Thank you, Jack," she said to him with relief evident in her voice.
"You're welcome." He smiled to her and patted her calf. "You were extremely lucky. It could've been worse. Good thing Desmond found you."
"Yes, I'm very thankful for what he did," Julie agreed, shifting her eyes from Jack to Desmond who was standing over them with his arms folded on his chest.
"All right, I'll leave you two. If you need anything or if you're in pain, just call for me," Jack finally said and stood up from his crouching position. "Take care of yourself."
"I will, thank you!" Julie called after him and then was left alone with Desmond.
"Hungry?" he asked with a smile on his face. He was finally able to relax now that he heard it straight from the doctor's mouth that she would be ok.
"Starving!" Julie answered overzealously and he laughed at that.
"Be right back," he said. "Don't move."
"Wonder where could I possibly go with my leg being immobilized and all," Julie noticed. He just chuckled and disappeared, coming back with food and bottles of water a moment later.
Julie had already drunk like two bottles, but she still felt a little thirsty, so she didn't hesitate to down another. Then she started eating and she could swore the Dharma package food had never tasted better in her mouth.
"Now, can you tell me what you were doing when going into the woods alone?" Desmond finally asked, looking at her expectantly.
"I just… I needed to let go of something and to move on," she told him the truth, even if ambiguously. "I didn't realize that I'd gone so far until it was too late. And then the stupid sprain happened." She threw her hands into the air. "All you need to know is that I finally let go of my past and forgave myself. It was time. I'd been scared for such a long time and now I don't even know why," she confessed.
"You got hurt, so it was only natural to take your time to heal," he said, picking a piece of fruit and putting it into his mouth, then chewing and swallowing. "You know, there is no point in fear," he suddenly told her. "It's a completely useless emotion that does nothing but hold you back."
"That's a good one. I'll remember this," she promised him and then sent him a smile.