A few days passed by and Julie didn't complain about her ankle anymore. She could now take longer walks, which really came in handy. There wasn't much to do on the island to begin with and when you couldn't even move much, you were left with truly nothing. Claire had actually brought her a few books and magazines she'd snatched from Sawyer, but Julie couldn't read for a whole day long anyway. That was why she was so happy to finally take a longer stroll when not feeling any pain in her foot. In fact, she decided to finally make the long-delayed trip to the hatch to see how it all looked from the inside. She also had a secret agenda in mind.
"Julie, hi, how are you feeling?" Jack asked as soon as he spotted her walking through the door.
"Well, I need to admit that this is pretty impressive," she said when looking around and nodding her head. "As long as you don't have to spend three years down here in confinement, that is," she added, cringing as she reminded herself that the place which brought so much hope to the survivors of the plane crash was the very same one that almost drove Desmond crazy. She couldn't imagine herself being lock down here, completely alone. It was true that Desmond had eventually been able to get out, but only for a short period of time as the button needed to be pushed. And speaking of the button…
Julie made her way to the computer and then took a closer look at the counter. Desmond's words about how he'd been partially responsible for the plane coming down, came to her mind and she retracted immediately.
"Are you all right?" Jack repeated his question when making his way to her and placing his hand on her shoulder.
"Oh, yeah, yeah." Julie quickly nodded when turning to face him. "It's just… Desmond told me a lot about this place and none of what I've heard was actually a good thing."
"Yes, I guess I understand," Jack admitted. "It's all a matter of perspective, isn't it?" Julie nodded again. "So, you and Desmond seem to be pretty close," he hinted when smiling to her.
"Ok, I'm not sure what to say to that, so could you please just take a look at my ankle?" Julie jumped to another topic. "After all, you told me you needed to check it up one last time."
"I could've come to you, you know," Jack just said.
"It doesn't hurt anymore," Julie informed when he crouched to look at her foot, "so I thought I would take a walk since I was bound to one place for so long. And I won't hide that the temptation of actually taking a real shower was too great to pass on."
Jack chuckled and then stood up. "Your ankle is fine."
"Thank you, doctor." Julie smiled to him. "Now, can I…?" her voice trailed off.
"Oh, sure, knock yourself out! The bathroom is that way." He pointed the right corridor.
"Thanks."
"We even have shampoo!" he called after her.
"How can I resist?!" she replied when already getting in the bathroom.
As much as Julie loved her baths in the ocean, the shower in the hatch certainly came useful. It was truly a wonderful feeling to be able to use real soap and shampoo and to stand under the current of hot water. She was always very diligent when it came to her personal hygiene, so the lack of proper shower had taken its toll on her. She did her best twice every single day to find a secluded spot and clean herself up, but nothing could replace real shower cabin. She was already thoroughly clean, but still reluctant to get out of the steamy box into the cold of the bathroom. Eventually, she just sighed and turned the water off, grabbing a clean towel and securing it around herself as she stepped out of the cabin.
In that very moment, the door burst open, showing no one else but Desmond. Julie froze, but then she just yelled at him, "What the hell are you doing?!" And she immediately made sure that every important part of her was covered.
"I…" he started and cleared his throat, seeming to be just as surprised as she was. "Sorry… I thought no one was here. The door wasn't locked," he followed with an explanation.
"Well, it was locked, but it opens when you push it too hard," she told him. "I guess it didn't bother any of you, guys."
"Oh, sorry, then…" Desmond apologized, fumbling with words. Julie didn't remember if she ever saw him acting so awkwardly. Well, she was naked under that towel, after all, and she guessed every man - unless gay - would act the same way when seeing her, especially when stranded on what he'd previously thought of to be a deserted island. "I'll fix the lock, then," he offered.
"Good. Now, will you please just leave and wait until I get dressed?" Julie asked the obvious since he was still standing there like an idiot.
"Yes, sorry again," he repeated and finally, he left, closing the door gently behind him.
"Don't worry about it. Could happen to anyone," she said after him. And I'm glad it was you, she wanted to add, but she stopped herself. Jack definitely put some ideas in her head when she so didn't need them. She and Desmond had both been through some serious emotional trauma before they even landed on this island, so maybe it wasn't such a good idea for them to try to be something more than just friends. Especially in such a place, she added, so her mind would stay away from all those thoughts about her and him and… She swallowed when making sure she was dry before putting on a fresh pair of clothes. Still, even if something did happen between her and Desmond, at least they wouldn't have to worry about hygiene or birth control, crossed her mind and then she needed to chastise herself again. What was she even thinking?! She wouldn't just jump into anything like that. She would wait for the right man to find her, to make the first move. She was done, just done trying hard when the other person didn't. She'd learnt that the hard way, hadn't she? Besides, Desmond, though she liked the way he looked, the way he spoke with that irresistible Scottish accent and how saved her when she'd sprained her ankle, and hugged so… Julie shook her head, pushing the image of him bursting into the bathroom with his shirt opened, out of her mind. All right, she liked what she saw, but so what? He was an attractive man and that was it. He also was the only real friend she'd made so far on this island. Maybe the first real friend she'd ever had in her entire life. She wouldn't ruin it for something that might not even last in the long hold.
With all of that figured out, Julie finally left the bathroom. She heard Desmond talking to Jack in the computer room and they were laughing about something. She didn't want to know, in fact, she didn't even want to face them right now. She just silently sneaked out of the hatch, welcoming the cover of the trees with relief. Everything was more real out in the open as there weren't any dark corridors there. People dreamt braver things in the dark, didn't they?
Sometime later that day, Julie spotted Hurley on the beach. He looked kind of troubled, so she made her way towards him and asked with care in her voice, "Hi, is everything ok?" As the words escaped her mouth, she realized that Desmond was actually right about her. She did care about other people a lot. Being attracted to someone's looks or not, really had nothing to do with that particular feature of hers.
"Yeah, I guess," he said, but the troubled expression didn't fade away from his face. "I was about to have my first date with Libby," he finally explained and Julie barely stopped herself from showing how surprised she truly was by that fact. She was glad she schooled herself just in time because the last thing she wanted to do was to hurt Hugo, which once again proved to her that she wasn't a bad person at all. Besides, the guy's health was his own business and if he chose to eat a lot of junk food with low nutritional value, then there wasn't anything she could do about it. She could only take care of her own eating habits and do her best to accept other people just the way they were. Still, Hurley and Libby becoming an item surprised her. The woman was slim and beautiful and she evidently liked Hugo. Julie had no idea why, but apparently, there was something about him that captivated Libby and Julie could only be happy for the man. Or maybe not so much when judging from the fact that Libby wasn't there… "She went to get the blankets from the hatch and she's been gone way too long," Hurley finally voiced his concern.
"Wait… Hugo?" Kate overheard their conversation and purposefully made her way to them. Julie didn't like the look on the woman's face. Something was definitely wrong. Something had happened. "Hurley, I'm so sorry…" Kate started, only confirming what Julie already suspected. "Libby's been shot. Ana Lucia is dead. The man we kept prisoner escaped when shooting them and Michael," she explained in a slow and calm way so Hurley wouldn't start panicking, but how he could not?
Julie just stood there, shifting her eyes from Kate's grave face to Hurley's which was still in shock, processing all the information given. There was also something on the back of Julie's mind, something nudging at her. One small thing she forgot… Once she actually realized what it was, she felt herself stilling and having a similar reaction to Hurley's. The thing she'd forgotten wasn't small at all. It was big. In fact, it could change her whole life.
"Oh my God…" Her hands wandered up to her face to cover her mouth. "Is Desmond all right?" she asked Kate quickly, rather doing it that way than delaying the moment and waiting in dreadful anticipation. He had to be all right, right? After all, Kate hadn't mentioned him getting hurt. But what if they hadn't found him yet? What if he'd been in the bathroom, repairing the door only a moment ago and now was lying inside, bleeding to death? No, Julie needed to force those thoughts out of her mind. She didn't know anything for sure yet. She couldn't panic. She wouldn't.
"Eh… and you are?" Kate frowned at her, trying to remember if she'd seen Julie before.
"It's Julie," Hurley answered Kate instead, his voice surprised that she could truly not know. Poor good Hurley, Julie thought. "You don't know Julie? She and Desmond have been spending a lot of time together recently," he followed with an explanation to why she'd asked about the guy from the hatch.
"Is he all right?" Julie inquired again when grabbing Kate's arm, her voice growing more nervous by the second. She didn't care about delicacy anymore.
"I don't know. I haven't seen him for a while," Kate finally answered.
"He was supposed to fix the lock in the bathroom!" Julie exclaimed. "Oh God… And I was the one who asked him to! If something happened to him… I'm going with you," she decided fast. She needed to know. She needed to know if he was ok. He had to be ok. If he wasn't… What would she do? She'd opened herself up to someone again, she'd trusted him. She couldn't lose him now. That would truly destroy her and prevent her from any more of human contact in the future.
"Sure, but we need to hurry," Kate just nodded and immediately turned back in the direction of the jungle.
"I forgot the damn blankets," Julie heard Hurley's devastated voice as they set off, following Kate. "And she went to get them… I…" Julie could already tell where Hurley was going with this.
"It's not your fault, Hugo," she assured him when placing her small hand on his huge shoulder. "It was an accident. You couldn't have predicted it."
"You call that an accident?" Kate snorted. "She was shot because the prisoner got out! I can't believe that Jack and Locke even wanted to keep him there for so long! We shouldn't haven trusted him at all!"
Julie actually agreed with Kate, but it had seemed safe at first. The guy was locked up in the small room they'd been using as an armory before. The lock was secure, the guard always in place. Julie herself never actually met the guy, but she heard that he was pretty injured and then he'd gotten beaten up. How much of a threat could he really be? Still, he was the reason she'd kept away all this time even when she'd found out that she could take a shower in the hatch. Eventually, she'd given in and nearly forgotten about him. She'd needed Jack to look at her ankle and he'd been in the hatch, right next to the bathroom which suddenly seemed so tempting.
Only then Desmond had walked in on her and she'd complained about the lock and he'd offered to fix it. If she hadn't been there, he would've gotten out of there in time for sure. Now she didn't know if he had. She really needed to stop thinking because what she was doing was exactly what Hurley had done a moment ago. She couldn't blame herself for something someone else had done.
And then she saw him in the mid-way to the hatch. He was coming from another part of the jungle, carrying a basket full of fruits with him.
"Desmond?" Julie came to a sudden stop, shock and relief washing over her all at once. Yet, she couldn't quite believe that it was him and that he was all right.
"Did something happen?" he asked, dumbfounded. "Just so you know, I did fix the lock."
Kate and Hugo passed by them, not saying anything and disappearing further into the trees. Julie couldn't really blame them. If she was Hugo, she would be so frantic to get to Libby right now.
Now all she could do was to look at Desmond, taking in the fact that he was all right. That he was safe and sound and was just out picking some fruit. Added to that, the tone in which he informed her that he'd fixed the lock… It all melted her away completely. Did he really think she could still be angry with him for that? It was nothing in comparison to being shot to death!
"I don't give a damn about the fucking lock!" she just exclaimed and quickly closed the distance between them, jumping to Desmond, putting her arms around his neck and hugging him tightly. He dropped the basket he was holding as she did so and automatically put his arms around her as well.
"Well… then what's this for?" she could hear his muffled voice close to her ear, although he did seem to enjoy the hug.
"You mean you haven't heard?" she asked in a shaky voice when she pulled away and looked him in the eye. She felt a little embarrassed by her sudden outburst of affection. "The guy they had locked in the hatch, escaped. He killed Ana Lucia and shot both Libby and Michael," she began explaining. "Hurley's on the way there and… he was about to have a date with Libby… and I like Libby…" Julie just now began shaking as all that happened finally sunk in once she knew Desmond was ok. "And I thought… I thought you got hurt, too, because you were there earlier. You stayed there longer than you needed to because of me. I thought…" her voice wavered and she was dangerously close to tears. She stopped talking, refusing to start crying in front of him.
For a moment, he just watched her intently, listening. His face grew more concerned with her every word and when she finally stopped talking, he said thickly, "It's all right. I'm fine. I am fine," he repeated and then reached his arms to her, pulling her into another hug.
When his warmth enveloped her, she felt safe as always when being near him. Also, her heart started acting out, beating a little faster than natural. She found herself being affected by this closeness more than she would like to admit. Was it possible that he'd, too, seen her in a different light recently? Maybe he'd always had. Maybe she had, too, only she refused to admit it because she'd gotten hurt so badly in the past by another man? All in all, there was something between them that ran deeper than just friendship and she eventually had to admit it. Unless this somehow was what friendship should look like and she just didn't know, taking everything for the beginning of something more. One way or another, she chose to take it all slow and enjoy the moment. Besides, if he did feel something, he should know that she would never make the first step. She was just too scared to do so.
"We need to see if they're ok," she finally said when pulling away from him because his body next to hers started affecting her in ways that she'd rather avoid right now. No, definitely not just friendship, she decided and took his hand in order to pull him towards the hatch.
Funerals on the island were never easy. Julie remembered some of them being quite awkward since sometimes they couldn't find anyone who knew the deceased one. There were also the painful ones at which she saw so many eyes filled with tears. Yet, the only funeral so far that she'd attended and actually grieved for someone, was Shannon's. She hadn't had time to get to know the girl well, both because Shannon had died so fast and because Julie had still been an outsider back then. But she'd talked to her more than to anyone else at the time and they'd exchanged some clothes, after all. Julie had had a lot of unnecessary lingerie and not enough clothes that she could actually show herself in on the island and Shannon had never asked her any personal questions about that. Somehow Julie could tell that the blonde had had a lot of bad experiences with guys and she hadn't asked any questions to spare Julie shame and pain. Everyone had seen Shannon as a silly girl who'd had a rich daddy and hadn't really cared about anyone and anything else but herself. That wasn't the truth though. Julie had seen it and Sayid had seen it, too. Once Shannon had been shot, Julie had gotten most of her clothes since there wasn't really a woman on the island who could wear a similarly small size. Claire had been pregnant at the time and Kate had only been wearing cargo pants and simple t-shirts, having no care in the world. Julie still didn't know what happened to the underwear she'd given Shannon and she didn't really want to. Shannon had been pretty serious about Sayid before she died and Julie didn't want anything of that stuff back.
And now, she had to attend, yet, another funeral and for the second time on the island, she actually grieved for the person. She hadn't had much time to get to know Libby either, but the woman had never gotten angry with anyone. She'd been nice and always offered a smile and a helpful hand. She'd also started dating Hurley right before her death. There was truly not a person present that didn't like Libby.
"I thought that talking to someone new, getting to know them and liking them would actually help. That it would make me happy to be around people," Julie told Desmond shakily as he stood right by her side. "But all I feel right now is pain. I liked Libby. She was so nice when I talked to her those few times. I thought we could get closer and now… Why do we keep losing people here? Especially when we can't really afford it. I don't want to die and I don't want to be left all alone," she confessed. She felt Desmond's arm going around her as he pressed her gently into his side, trying to make her feel better, to give her his support.
"It's just the way life goes, Julie. It doesn't matter if we're stranded on the island or we're out there among the civilization. We lose people. We will always lose people. They will always keep dying either by accident, choice or of an old age or disease. But they give us so much more than just pain. They make us feel while they're still with us… And don't worry, you will not be left alone and you will not die. I won't let that happen, I promise."
His eyes locked with hers for a moment and she felt confused again. Sometimes he said or did things that would indicate that he thought of her as more than just a friend, but then he didn't do anything, he was just there, always offering her comfort or a good word. She was probably reading too much into things and should be simply grateful that she'd made a really good friend. Maybe he was right, maybe it was true that there was more to human relations than pain after the loss. Right now Desmond, just by his presence, was making her feel so much better. She still felt sorry for Libby, but she had someone next to her who offered her support and, thanks to that, made it all more bearable. Julie could only hope that she was doing the same for him.
Later that day when the sun was setting, Julie was sitting in her favorite spot on the beach, just watching the sky when hugging her knees.
"Are you ok?" she heard Desmond's voice as he made his way to her.
"Do you realize that you keep asking me this question nearly every time you see me?" She turned to him with a smile that bordered on annoyance. "You should stop. I am fine. In fact, I was just thinking about everything that happened on this island. And once we got here, we actually thought it was deserted!" She laughed at that, but then stopped, her expression growing more serious. "Do you know that I'd been at impasse for over fifty days before I met you?" she then asked him when raising her head to be able to look at him. He met her gaze and then lowered himself to sit down by her side.
"That seems like a very long time," he admitted.
"Yeah. Back then I didn't want to know how much time had passed in fear I would panic that I'd wasted so many days," Julie confessed. "But today… Libby's funeral got me to thinking and I decided I wouldn't waste anymore. Life's too short and too precious for that. People who hurt us in the past don't even deserve our tears, so the best way to deal with them is to just let them go."
"I know it sounds so simple, but in reality it really isn't," Desmond told her.
"I agree. After all, I just now figured that out." Julie shrugged. "And I wanted to know how much time I let just slip through my fingers, so I asked Claire. Over fifty days brooding over my past and my mistakes. It's high time to let it all go."
"I thought you've already done that. The day you sprain your ankle," he noticed.
"Yes, I did," she admitted, "but today I just… I just decided not to waste time. Maybe it sounds silly, considering where we are, but…"
"No, it doesn't. I've wasted three years stuck in the hatch, pushing that damn button. I'm done wasting my time, too. That's why I escaped as soon as the opportunity presented itself," he explained. "I left Jack and Lock with the button even though I knew they weren't my replacements. I just bailed on them. I couldn't stand this place and yet, something brought me back here once again." He smiled bitterly at her.
"I'm sorry," she just said, trying hard to hide that he actually hurt her a little by telling her that. Would he rather not know her at all?
"I don't regret it, you know," he suddenly added, meeting her eyes sidelong, "crashing here again, I mean. I'm fine as long as I don't need to be stuck down there again."
"I'm glad to hear that. To be honest, I don't know where I would've been right now without you. You were the one to wake me up somehow, to push me towards people. I'm finally becoming a part of the community here and I need to thank you for that. How did you even do it?" she wondered.
"Maybe I just have a good influence on you." Desmond winked at her and then a smile illuminated his face. "And you're very much welcome."
"Is there something I can do for you for a change?" she asked in a serious voice. "Like… I don't know, help you deal with your own loss? Or your time in the hatch?"
"I already did that," he said. "It's me that I can't deal with," he added ambiguously and then decided to explain. "I loved Penny, but she was a daughter of a rich and influential man. He never approved of me and that kind of made a bad impact on our relationship. It wasn't what I would like it to be and to be honest, I'm not sure how we would've worked out in the end… Penny's father simply thought I was unworthy of her and that kind of… stuck," Desmond confessed. "Hence my opinion of myself as a coward and a failure. After all, I was never good enough for her. I could never give her the kind of life she deserved. She earned so much more money than I ever could."
"Her father was wrong," Julie said, very sure of her words. "It doesn't matter how much money you earned. I'm also sure that she didn't care about all the pretty things you couldn't buy her. You are a good and honest man, Desmond, and these are hard to find."
"It's funny because she said something similar to me once." Desmond actually smiled.
"See?" Julie smiled at him brightly, too. "It doesn't matter what her father thought. You weren't dating him, you were dating her!"
"When you met me, I was drinking," he suddenly pointed out. "Was that a good first impression you had of me? I did look back then exactly like what I thought of myself."
"Well, I haven't seen you drinking ever since, have I?" she retorted.
"That's because I don't have a problem with alcohol. Back then… I just needed something to ease the ache and disappointment with myself. I was ready to give up… and then I met you and suddenly, I had a reason to go on. So I guess… you've already helped me, Julie." He faced her and for a moment, their eyes locked, not really sure how to read one another. "I discovered a new path thanks to you and I am going to prove that I am not a coward," he informed her.
"I'm glad to hear that, but just so you know, you don't need to prove anything to me. I never thought you were one."
"I need to prove it to myself, so I could believe it for a change."
The next day at sunrise, Desmond found Locke.
"You still pushing that button?" he asked him without preamble.
"Hello to you, too, Desmond. This is going to be a nice day, don't you think?" Locke started the conversation politely, not sharing the Scotsman's impatience. The older man's voice was calm accompanied by a pleasant smile formed on his face.
"I need your help. We're going to destroy it," Desmond just told him, ignoring the weather comment. That picked Locke's attention.
"I'm listening," he encouraged Hume to tell him more.
Desmond had been pushing the button for way to long and with no apparent reason. It was true that it recharged the magnet and protected it from destroying everything around it, but if the magnet itself was neutralized, there would be no need for the button. Even though now it wasn't really Desmond's problem, he still woke up at nights, drenched in sweat, hearing the piercing sound of the alarm, reliving the day the plane had crashed on the island because of his own inattention and unawareness.
He still had the failsafe key. The whole operation should work, he thought, it would have to work. He would free himself and all the people who were stuck down there now, forced to take shifts which should have been his own. This way he could prove to himself that he was brave, that he was willing to sacrifice himself if there was need for that. After all, he had no way of knowing what would happen to him once he would turn that key. He needed to deal with his own past just like Julie had dealt with hers. This was now the only thing holding him back and he needed to get past it, to conquer it, deal with his own fear. He just needed to let it go.