"You don't look great."
Connor shrugged in response to Ms. Adams' words. It was true. He didn't feel great either.
"Want to know something funny?" Connor asked, even though it wasn't really funny. At least, not in the way that it would make someone laugh. Ms. Adams nodded but that didn't surprise him. She was here to listen to him. "Dad spent so much of September and October wondering if it was time for me to really go into a hospital, you know? And now that we're getting actually getting close to when I should be, he doesn't want me to go. My doctor brought it up and he wouldn't even listen to her."
"How do you feel about that?"
"Glad," Connor said, shifting uncomfortably on his chair. "I never wanted to go. I still don't. I think the part I like the most is that it finally feels like he wants me there, like he wants me to be his son. He's not thinking of a different son or a son that I could have been, he's thinking about me. That's really screwed up, isn't it?"
"It makes sense," Ms. Adams told him and Connor thought that didn't make it any less screwed up. "I'm glad you feel like your father is really paying attention."
"He's still asking for screenshots of my app every time I have to take pills. Sometimes even randomly to see if I'm taking anything else for pain."
Connor glanced up at Ms. Adams' concerned face and thought that she was about to switch subjects from his father to something about his condition. If he were a betting man and if he had any life savings, he would put all of them on it.
"Is there a lot of pain?"
Too bad his pot was at zero.
Connor nodded. "Um, Dr. Meyer is getting more concerned about my kidney function."
He wrapped his arms around his body. He knew that it was sick; he had known for a long time that it wasn't going to do the things that it should be doing. Despite knowing all that, he still hated the thought that it was quitting on him. He had done everything exactly right and he was still going to lose his fight. That almost brought tears to his eyes but he fought to keep a lid on those emotions. He didn't want to talk about it today.
"Um, Ms. Adams? Can I ask you a favour?"
"What is it?"
Sometimes he thought that she was relieved too when they switched to the easier subjects.
"Um, I kind of had my phone confiscated during chemistry and since Dad won't be able to come sign it out for me until tomorrow, I was wondering if you could get it back from the office for me."
"Why was your phone taken?" she asked.
"Um, 'cause I was on it," Connor replied.
Ms. Adams didn't look amused. "Why were you on it during class? This has never been a problem for you before."
"Jude just got a phone for his birthday. If find it really hard to stop talking to him. And he says texting helps him with his reading, so, really I was being a good tutor." He knew he didn't have to sell it quite that much. Ms. Adams had started grinning from the moment he said Jude's name and it made him wonder if she was more excited than he was that he finally had a friend.
"I'm only doing this once," she warned him and Connor immediately thought that she would likely do it again. Then, he wondered if the thought was too arrogant.
"Thank you, Ms. Adams!"
"Don't let it happen again."
"I won't." He would have to learn how to be smarter about it. His classmates had all mastered the art of texting under the desk but sometimes the screen would blur or his thumbs wouldn't quite work and he would lose his stealth. He still tried to look sincere to Ms. Adams, all while thinking that he would probably end up texting Jude again.
Ms. Adams scribbled out a note for Connor to pick up his phone and slid it across the desk to him. Connor picked it up, thanked her again, and headed out her office door. Connor picked up his phone, writing a message to Jude on his way out.
Connor: You got my phone taken.
It took Jude a long time to answer but it always took Jude a long time to answer. Connor could imagine him pouring over every letter, trying to cobble together words.
Jude: Ur fault.
Connor: You're distracting!
Jude: U let me
Connor: If I fail chem, it's on you. You should be doing my homework.
Jude: U would fail if I did. Promise.
Connor: Maybe we'll do that the next time we hang out
Jude: maybe not.
Connor: You'll find out tomorrow.
Jude: I guess so.
Connor: Smile!
He added an emoji after it, even though Jude didn't send one back.
Jude: Mayb I am
That made Connor grin to himself as he walked to the bus stop. Once upon a time, he had biked home, but it had been so long since he had done that, and now he had to face the fact that he might not end up ever doing it again. It had been a long time since he had been on his bike. Months, at least. He had taken a spill and it had taken him so long to stop bleeding and it had taken so long for the bruising to heal that his father had tucked the bike away and Connor understood that he wouldn't be riding it anymore. He made it to his bus stop and patiently waited but his bus was good for being on time. He could almost time it down to the last second. He tapped his card on the bus and then went to find a seat, answering Jude once he settled.
Connor: Prove it
Jude: trust me
Connor: I do
Connor let himself into his house, calling out Jellybean's name. An answering meow came from somewhere in the living room and Connor went to join her on the couch. He scratched her ears as he reached into his bag for his tablet and his copy of To Kill A Mockingbird.
Connor: Did you come up with an essay topic for me yet?
Jude: U r the smart 1
But Connor wasn't sure that was true at all.
(-.-)
Jude carefully scrubbed flecks of blue dye from the base of the shower. It always annoyed Callie when he left traces of it around. She had never explicitly said so but Jude was sure that it had something to do with the fact that it was proof that he lived here. Or, at least, someone that wasn't her did. It was a small thing to concentrate on and it didn't make a whole lot of sense. If anyone was going through the attic apartment, they would see his clothes in their dresser. It would be a giveaway. His clothes would never have fit Callie, not even when she was his age. It was a lie that someone would see through. And it wasn't as though Callie went on cleaning sprees every night. Once or twice a month, maybe, she would wipe down counters and doorknobs, steal the vacuum that Nic had downstairs and go over every blanket and furniture, trying to erase evidence that the two of them had ever been there.
She tried to goad him into helping every time but it only worked every other time. He didn't see the point in doing it while they still lived there. They were going to miss things, they were going to leave fingerprints and parts of themselves behind while they were cleaning. It was another good of example of why he had to be careful. If anyone who wanted to find out who he was had the ability to run his DNA would know who he was. It would take an extremely dedicated person to do such a thing but it could be done. He would like to think that they didn't have to be that paranoid anymore but with Callie's current line of work, there was no such thing as too paranoid.
The rest of the blue dye down the drain, Jude was finally able to straighten up. He grabbed his clean t-shirt and yanked it over his head, drying his hair on his designated towel – one that was black so his dye stains wouldn't show. Callie did get really annoyed when he left dye spots anywhere. He pulled on his pants and left the bathroom. Callie was gone and the world felt lonely. He was glad that it was Thursday. He was glad that he was going to get to see Connor soon. He wanted something to break the monotony of the day and he wanted to feel less lonely. Connor was texting him – complaining about classes and sending him anecdotes about the day – and it helped, a little. It also made Jude jealous of Connor, of getting to spend time around people. Not so much the school part. Reading was hard and Jude couldn't imagine that he'd get along in any kind of subject well.
Jude packed up his backpack, glancing at his clothes pile on the floor. If he was smart, he would do laundry now and hang it up to dry while he was out. It wouldn't make him super late to the Centre. But it would make him late. It would cut into the time that he got to spend with Connor and he didn't really want to do that. Laundry could dry overnight. It wasn't the end of the world.
Jude cracked open the door, moving quickly. He shut it behind him and locked it, though it was hard to hurry down the stairs without making a lot of noise. Especially when the stairs were as creaky as the attic ones. He made it out the back door and was heading out toward the street when he heard voices behind him. Jude forced himself not to freeze and not to look over his shoulder. There was a porch on the front of the house but it was rarely used as a hangout spot. Nic let all of his guests do whatever they wanted inside so wasn't as if people were on the porch for smoke breaks.
"Hey, that's Callie's kid brother."
"That's a boy?"
"I've heard some things … Someone might want to double check."
Jude lengthened his stride and tried to get out of view. They weren't smart people. Out of sight, out of mind, for now, hopefully. If he was lucky. He didn't want to take off running. They might just give chase then, because they could. His heart was still beating wildly in his chest and he could feel his adrenaline. He wanted to run. He wanted to disappear. He wasn't a girl but it wasn't like all the rumours about him were fake. It wasn't like they were decent people – it wasn't like they would be above grabbing him and finding out. He didn't think he breathed properly until he was on the bus but even then, he worried about going home. They weren't going to be on the porch but they would know that Callie wasn't around. Nic had gone with her, even though people still had the run of the house for his business. So, there was no one to keep any of the so-called guests in line. Jude had never really considered how vulnerable he was before but it was so rare that he came into contact with any of Callie's business associates.
He sent Callie a text, trying to detail what had happened in as little words as he was possible. He couldn't go home. The might let him sleep at the Youth Centre. Maybe he could hide in a broom closet until it was shut down for the night. His knees felt like they were knocking together as he made it off the bus and through the Centre doors, trying to inspect the place. Where could he hide? Not in the multi-purpose room but that was where his legs took him because that was where he always went. He curled into his bean bag chair, feeling relieved when his phone buzzed. He struggled through the message, his heart dropping with every word.
Callie: Then don't go home. Nic is going home tomorrow and I told him to keep people out of my space. You'll be fine after 4pm.
What was he supposed to do with himself for twenty-four hours!? He could have messaged Callie about it, and part of him wanted to, but he knew that she had bigger things to worry about and, so, wouldn't be particularly helpful. He could be resourceful – not in good ways, necessarily, like when he had taught himself to steal, but it was still something. He had done something to keep himself alive and that had been for more than twenty-four hours. Even if he had to stay awake and hide on a beach, he could make it through twenty-four hours.
He glanced up to make sure that Connor was where he should be and then he found himself looking away. Everything they thought about him, everything that they wanted to hurt him for, and parts of it were true. He had to remember to hide it. He had to remember to hide himself. He had done it before. He had found it easy before, even, but he hadn't been giving anything up, then. He had Callie. He had been gaining something: his safety. But, now, there was Connor, and though Jude knew that had gone into their friendship thinking he could break it, he knew now that he never could.
That was more frightening than the men on the porch. He wasn't supposed to be so attached to anything. Callie didn't even think that he should be so attached to her, even though it was hypocritical of her. If Jude were in a mood to be completely honest, he would probably admit that Callie loved him more. She certainly did more for him, went the extra mile so that he would never have to be involved with the type of things that she was. He was grateful. Of course, he was grateful but it was hard to not think about how life could be different for them. If things had gone different then. If things went different now.
He shook his head as the tutored kids began to clear the room, trying to clear his thoughts. It was something that he always tended to do but something that rarely seemed to work. It was hard to get anything out of his head. He stood up as Connor glanced at him, shouldering his bag as the walked out of the Centre.
"Can we … not go the café today?" Jude asked quietly. He just didn't want to be seen in public with Connor, not if Connor was going to be sleeping on him and sitting close, like he always did, and like Jude wanted him to.
"Sure. Where do you want to go?"
"Somewhere … not public. Something … something happened at home today."
He could feel that Connor was staring at him but he didn't quite have the strength to look back.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Connor asked.
"No. Not now, at least."
"We can go back to my house. Dad's not home. You're safe," Connor said with a weak smile. Jude appreciated the effort.
"Yeah, I'd like to go to your house."
Connor stayed quiet as they walked toward the bus, as if he knew that was what Jude needed. Jude could also admit that the silence was better when he was sharing it with Connor. He was safer inside of it, somehow. There was also a sense of friendship. They didn't have to speak for Jude to know that he wasn't alone and that was something he was grateful for as they got on the bus and headed to Connor's house. Jude did feel a little like he should be saying something, worried that Connor would be annoyed with how quiet he was being and dislike him for it, but that wasn't who Connor was. He knew better, by now. Connor was his friend and that wasn't going to get taken away from him. He was able to be comfortable, then, until they were through Connor's front door and he could relax. No one was so determined to hunt him this far, to peek in windows and break into a house. He knew that he must only cross people's minds when he was directly in front of them and so he tried not to be directly in front of them.
"Do you want to just find a movie to watch?"
Jude nodded but he didn't really care. He knew that he had to snap back into the moment. He wouldn't survive if he was only stuck in his own head.
Connor gently grasped Jude's forearm. "Come on. It'll be okay."
But how could Connor say that without really understanding the fear that Jude had? Without ever living the same situation? Not that Jude wanted Connor to get it. Not that Jude wanted anyone to get it. All the same, he couldn't help but like that Connor said it. Maybe if one of them believed it, then that would be enough. He sank down onto the couch next to Connor and Jellybean jumped up between them, indignantly calling for attention. Jude scratched at her ears, thinking that cats were pretty comforting to have around after all. It was like Jellybean knew that he was the one that needed attention because she was headbutting his leg before curling against his thigh.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Connor asked again and Jude shook his head. He didn't think that he should admit that much to Connor anyway. "I'm always here if you want to talk."
Jude nodded because he did know that. Connor was someone that he could count on. Someone who was where he said he was going to be all the time and someone who answered texts quickly and someone who was so genuine that it actually made Jude's heart hurt, not to mention that honesty in his eyes. Not that Jude wanted to get himself started on Connor's eyes or any other part of him that was starting to even invade his dreams!
"Thanks," Jude murmured.
"Is there something you want to watch?"
"I don't want to watch anything sad."
"So, a comedy? I can find one of those. Don't worry, Jude."
Don't worry. An easy comment to make, when Connor lived in his safe bubble. Jude tried to push away the sourness and the bitterness. He didn't pick the life he had now. Connor certainly didn't pick it. Callie, he supposed, technically chose it but she had been a child, then, and between the two evils that she was faced with, she had thought that she was choosing the lesser one. In some ways, that was true.
"I'm worried about you," Connor said, remote poised in his hand, though he did nothing with it.
Jude wanted to tell him not to worry. It didn't quite suit him and Jude didn't want to be a burden to Connor in that way either. He wasn't worth the concern.
"Maybe after the movie we can talk about it. I just … I just need to not think right now."
"I understand that," Connor said. "Okay, a movie it is."
The comedy that Connor found was old – from sometime in the eighties. It was cheesy and the characters weren't really funny, in Jude's opinion, anyway. Connor laughed sometimes, though, and it was really Connor's laugh and Jellybean's purr that Jude focused on. Connor's house felt like a home – maybe not to him, but, in general. There were photographs on the walls and a happy cat in a safe neighbourhood with a small backyard. Growing up, Connor probably hadn't even feared the monster under his bed. He was wrong to be jealous. Connor didn't do anything. So, when Jellybean jumped from the couch, Jude slid a little closer. It was the first time that he had put his head down on Connor's shoulder, instead of the other way around. He waited for Connor to move away from him but he didn't. He was steady and solid under Jude's head and Jude couldn't help but appreciate it. He hadn't wanted to let himself do this in case Connor read too much into it (or he read too much into it) but he really did like it. He knew he liked it too much but he didn't know whether or not Connor knew that. He doubted it. Connor did the same thing to friends. That was how friends were.
Connor turned the volume down on the TV.
"What happened at home, Jude?"
The movie wasn't over yet and Jude would have like to have insisted that they finish it, even though he could tell that they were really close to the end already. He took a deep breath.
"Some … people made … comments. Comments almost like the people that hurt me. My guardian's … out of town on business. I, um, I'm not allowed home until tomorrow."
"What time tomorrow?"
"Four. After, if I want to really be safe."
"But where will you go?"
The concern in Connor's voice flooded Jude with warmth.
"I'll find somewhere."
"Somewhere like where?"
"I don't know. I'll figure it out." That wasn't the part that Jude thought Connor would worry about but he could feel how tense Connor suddenly was.
"You don't have to," Connor said. "I know my dad scares you but you can just stay here."
"You told him I was a friend from school," Jude pointed out, sitting up so that he could see Connor's face. He was happier when he could see Connor's face. "How will I explain no clothes or backpack or what about when you leave for school in the morning or what will he say when he sees what I look like or …"
Connor frowned but only for a moment. "I've got it figured out, Jude, don't worry. If you want to stay, I have a cover story. It'll be okay. Where else would you sleep?"
Anywhere in Connor's house would be preferable to the places that Jude was thinking and he knew that.
"You promise your dad won't dislike me?"
"He's argumentative with me but he's generally nice, I think. Let me call him and see what he thinks about me having a friend over. What can it hurt, right?"
It might hurt a lot of things but Jude wasn't about to say it. He just nodded and let Connor get off the couch to go call his father, hardly daring to hope the night might turn out better than he thought it would.
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Do Not Hang Your Head by Elizabeth & The Catapult; and Kind by Eisley.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~