Jude woke as soon as he heard movement. Connor was still passed out next to him and Jellybean had migrated so that she was sleeping between their heads. He lifted his head off the pillow and realized that the sound was Adam moving around. It was hard to relax back into his spot, though, until he heard Adam leave for work. Jude didn't like feeling vulnerable; he didn't like hearing movement when he felt like he had nowhere to run. He knew how silly it was, especially since this was the place that he had run to instead of away from, but he couldn't help the way his stomach clenched or how he buried further underneath the blankets like they truly could protect him. When Adam was gone, he poked his head above the blankets, but nothing had changed. Jellybean's tail was resting under her nose; Connor's hand was stretched above his head, revealing the slightest bit of rash along the inside of his forearm.
Jude curled up on his side and pulled his knees up toward his chest. If Connor was going to sleep for a little while yet there was no good reason why Jude couldn't make the most of his morning. He thought that he should make some breakfast for the two of them; he thought that he should get going before he was more of a problem to Connor. Instead, he just wondered what it might be like to kiss Connor. He wanted to know what it would feel like if Connor's lips touched his. It would be his first kiss. It would be his first time wanting a kiss. Sure, Jude had glanced at strangers every so often as he walked by, head down, hands in his pocket. He knew there was a reason that his eyes followed boys his age instead of girls but he'd never said that aloud either. He had never let himself look or dwell. He had never let himself overstep the boundaries Callie or the people who had beaten him had placed upon him. Jude knew what and who he was and wasn't allowed in this life. It had been fine. Jude had thought that it would always be fine. But he had never counted on someone like Connor Stevens. Who would expect someone like Connor in their lives?
He stared until Connor's alarm went off and he was ashamed to admit he jumped as Connor just rolled over and slammed his head down on the snooze button. Like she was used to the routine, Jellybean stepped into Connor's open arms as he buried his face in the fur along her back.
"Morning, Jude," Connor murmured.
"Morning," Jude replied.
"Did you sleep okay?" Connor asked, peering up at Jude through Jellybean's dark fur.
"Better than I do at home," Jude said. "I like it here."
"I like when you're here too," Connor said, and then he yawned. "I wish dad would let me have coffee."
"He's not home, you could."
"Not supposed to," Connor said. "It's against the rules."
"And you always follow the rules?"
"One of us has to," Connor said with a yawn.
Jude wondered just how dangerous or just how much of a rebel that Connor thought he was. He was sure that he followed Callie's rules more closely than Connor followed any of his father's rules, but Jude could play along. Admittedly, he found it funny too. "There's such thing as being too much of a goody-two-shoes."
"That's why I have you," Connor said. "You keep me in line."
The second snooze went off and Connor sat up this time, turning the alarm off. Jellybean made a noise of annoyance as Connor pushed the blankets off himself. She purred happily as Connor padded out of the room. Jude thought he should follow him. He thought he should get out of bed too but he was comfortable where he was and he didn't think that Connor would think that he was a problem for wanting to not get out of bed. Connor walked in and out of his room to get clothes; Jude heard him brushing his teeth. He packed his bag and, still, Jude just rested there with Jellybean purring in his arms.
Connor put his bag on the end of the bed, sorting some of the books and binders from the top of his bookshelf into the bag. He pulled a key ring out of the side pocket and pulled one off, placing it on the nightstand. Jude just stared at him.
"I'm ready, you're not. If you want to hang out here until after school, that's cool. If not, just leave the key under the doormat so I can get back in, okay? You won't forget to lock up?"
"I won't," Jude said. "Your dad won't be home during the middle of the day?"
"No," Connor replied. "You saw how he was last night. He didn't really have time to talk. That's all day, every day. With the bus, I should be home by four."
"Okay," Jude said.
Connor put a notebook down next to the key. "For you."
"Thanks."
Connor slung his bag over his shoulder but lingered by his bedroom door. "Um, I … I hope you're still here when I get back."
"I'll text you," Jude said, thinking that he would be here. What was he going to do? Wait for Callie? He'd rather go home after she was already in the attic, texting him and wondering where the hell he was for the afternoon. Not that he would tell her where Connor lived. That was a secret that he wanted to keep from her. She could know that Connor existed but she couldn't know anything else. Jude just wanted to keep Connor all to himself, as crazy as he knew that was. Connor certainly saw that Connor saw more people a day than Jude did, by that logic, Connor belonged to more people, but, deep down, Jude still felt like Connor was his.
"Okay. I need something to do during school."
"You could study."
Connor grinned. "And you could try to write my essay for me."
"I … I'll try to write something," Jude promised. It was the only thing he could give back to Connor for letting him stay over. All he could do was try for his best friend. "I won't say that it's your essay."
"That's fair. See you, Jude."
"Bye," Jude said.
He listened to Connor rummage around in the kitchen – the shutting of a cupboard door and a clacking sound that Jude thought might be cat food. Then, the front door opened and closed, just as it had done with Adam, and Jude was alone with the cat. She didn't seem so offended that he was in her space and that they were going to spend the day together and so Jude flopped onto his back and closed his eyes. If Connor didn't mind, then he might just get another hour or two of sleep.
(-.-)
Connor: hey
How many texts in a row was too annoying? Connor wasn't sure. He had sent Jude three so far but Jude hadn't answered him. It was nearly one in the afternoon and Connor couldn't imagine what Jude was doing that he couldn't answer. Unless something had gone wrong. Unless Jude had decided to go home and his guardian – his sister? – had decided to do something to him for spending the night at Connor's. Connor didn't think that was fair but what was he supposed to do about it? He hated feeling so helpless when it came to Jude. He hated not being able to help.
"Hey, Connor."
"Oh, hi, Daria."
"You haven't told me yes or no to my party yet? You lied to me when you said you'd talk to me on Monday. It's way passed Monday."
"I know, I'm sorry."
She grinned at him, sliding her bright red headband a little further back on her head. Her curls barely shifted as she sunk into the empty chair at the lunch table Connor had chosen for himself. She leant on her hand and smiled; Connor could just stare at her. He didn't understand why she wanted him to go her Christmas party so bad. She had mentioned to him, in passing, about going to her parties before but never had she been so adamant that he show up. What was he supposed to do with that? What did she want?
"Are you coming?"
"I'll tell you in English."
"Last period," Daria said, like Connor didn't know when they had English. "I'll be waiting."
He watched her go, thinking that if Daria was a spider, he was the fly. Connor wasn't sure of a whole lot but he thought that he might be onto something when he thought about that. His phone buzzed in his hands.
Jude: Jelly and I wer asleep
Connor: Oh. Good sleep?
Jude: Yeah.
Connor: so do you want to go to Daria's party?
Jude: 4 a long time
Connor: No. I just want to know what it's like. And drink a beer.
Connor: I've never had a beer.
Jude: k. Not 4 long.
Connor: No. You know I turn into a pumpkin after midnight.
Jude: u mean after 10
Connor: Whatever
He sat at his lunch table for the remainder of lunch, staring at his phone and grinning to himself as he messaged Jude back, glad for the little tidbits that Jude was telling him now that he knew that Jude wasn't suffering at home. Jude was making himself peanut butter toast; Jude and Jelly were watching daytime TV; Jude couldn't read with the TV going in the background, let alone attempt to write anything. He couldn't stay away from knowing about Jude – not through what was left of drama, or chemistry, or even though English, even though Daria was sitting on his desk before he even reached the classroom.
"My party?" she asked sweetly.
"Daria, we don't sit on desks in this room," Mrs. Saum called.
"Sorry, Mrs. Saum," Daria trilled but she didn't move.
"Can my friend still come?"
"Anyone can!" Daria promised with a smile. "As long as you come too."
"I will," Connor said. "I'll be there."
"Bring your Christmas spirit!"
"Daria," Mrs. Saum said firmly. "Take your seat."
Maddie and Taylor giggled and looked at Connor as Daria took her place with them. Connor wondered how he had ended up the one being laughed at and he self-consciously scratched at his arm. He wanted to be home and spending the day with Jude, listening to him talk about Mockingbird, rather than hear his classmates banter about the use of the N-word, some of them taking delight in saying it when quoting the book – something else that Connor hated because he knew that they just wanted to say it without understanding why it was used in the book. It wasn't a word that should be tossed around a classroom so easily but he guessed that was why the book had been banned in so many places. At least part of it.
He just wanted his classmates to understand words and why they were used. He knew he wasn't going to get his wish. He knew that no one else was putting in the effort that he had when it came to Mockingbird. Connor had been reading academic essays on the subject for a couple of years now. He knew that he had more of an understanding of the book than most of the people in his class were going to bother to reach for. He knew that it shouldn't bother him, but it did. And he knew that he was just going to keep getting more and more frustrated.
He was going to make sure that Jude understood the book from top to bottom. It was something that he texted Jude about while Mrs. Saum was writing on the board
Jude: Kudzu.
Connor: what?
Jude: In the book. I dont no that. I dont no meaning.
Connor: Know
Jude: thats my point
Connor cracked a grin at that.
"Connor," Mrs. Saum called. "Is there something you'd like to share with the class?"
Connor tucked his phone between his legs and tried to smile as innocently as possible. "I think that Jason is really missing the point. When you boil To Kill A Mockingbird down to its most basic elements, what you really get is the evolution of Scout and Jem into adults. Not the literal sense, of course, but at the beginning of the book, everything is so black and white for Scout and, by the end, she – and Jem – see the grey area in the world. Jason's claim that there is no change in any of the characters from beginning to end is completely off-base."
"Very good, Connor," Mrs. Saum said, while Connor heard the whisper of "Fucking nerd" come from behind him. He didn't even bother to listen to those claims anymore. He knew it was true, more or less, but he also knew that nothing but words could come of it, and what were words going to do to him? He had lived through the words of his mother's death and he had lived through the words of his diagnosis. There weren't any words left in the world that could hurt him now.
And nothing was going to hurt him now that the final bell was ringing.
Connor left school quickly, catching the school bus instead of the transit bus that he ended up taking when he had his meetings with Ms. Adams. With no middle school kids and no elementary school kids on the bus, Connor sat in the front, right behind the driver. He took his hand sanitizer out of his bag, using it liberally until he was off the bus and didn't have to touch anything else that had been touched by at least a hundred hands before his. Even though he had just gotten a text from Jude saying that he was still at Connor's, Connor still nudged the welcome mat out of the way to make sure that there was no key underneath. He tried the doorknob but it was locked and, so, he knocked on his own front door.
Jude cracked it open within seconds. "Sorry. I'm kind of paranoid."
Connor shrugged it off. "I always lock the door when I'm home alone. No big deal."
Jude shut and locked the door behind him. "What did you do at school?"
"Nothing interesting. I talked to Daria about her party."
"Which we're going to."
"Which we're going to this weekend," Connor said.
"Right."
"You can bail if you want to but I hope you don't."
"Nothing ever goes wrong at parties," Jude said sarcastically. "Besides, we don't have to stay there the entire time, right?"
"Right. Like I said, I want to just go for a little while. I've never been to a party and I want to have a drink. I just want to know what it's like and I want you to come with me. I don't want to go alone."
Jude followed Connor into the living room as he put his bookbag down by the couch.
"You aren't alone at parties."
"Have you been to parties? I know you haven't drank before or anything but –"
"I have no friends. No, parties happen at my house a lot but it's not like I'm ever invited. I just have to listen to everything going on. My guardian …" Jude sighed and flopped down on the couch. "My sister has to go. She used to tell me things."
"Not anymore?"
"She should know about me and my life but the less that I know about her, the less that'll happen to me in the long wrong."
Connor had to bite his tongue to keep from asking questions. He knew that Jude wouldn't like it.
"See, our first party. Better together, right?"
At least his words got Jude to smile and not look like he was going to bite his head off for saying them. Jude leant his head on the back of the couch.
"If it's bad …"
"We'll leave. Just … one hour. See what it's like. No one will know you. I can tell everyone your name is Smith if you want."
"No," Jude said but he looked amused by the thought. "Smith is a weird first name. It would stand out."
"Okay, okay. I can just call you 'Jay'."
"I think … I think I'd like that," Jude said. "Um but we'll talk more about it before we go, right? I'll come over here first?"
"Yeah, yeah. I'll text you when Dad leaves and then you can come over whenever you want."
"Does Daria live far?"
Connor frowned. "No, I don't think so. I've never been to her house. I guess I should ask directions at some point."
Jude laughed at him. "Yeah, maybe, unless you just want to wander the streets and get lost for a while."
"We've spent the day like that before. It makes for a good day."
Jude nodded. "Can I show you what I wrote today?"
Connor was caught slightly off-guard by the change of topic but he nodded. "Yeah. Did you do a lot?"
Jude shook his head and reached across the coffee table to pick up the notebook that Connor had left him and opened to the first page.
"I, um, did the alphabet a couple of times and then I copied down the first page of To Kill A Mockingbird. I didn't know what to write on my own. I hate how my writing looks," Jude confessed.
Connor skimmed the page. "You know, everyone has to go through this and it's not as bad as you think it is."
"I can't stay on the line and capital 'G's' are stupid," Jude complained.
"Just wait until we move onto cursive."
Jude hid his face in a pillow. "That will make me hate you."
Jude's muffled voice didn't offend Connor in the slightest.
"Come on. We're not going to start now. You're going to get good at this and it's all going to be easy. You might even find that you're a scholar."
Jude snorted. "Me? No, never. Nope."
"I thought you liked reading now."
"No," Jude corrected, lifting his head. His hair was mussed and Connor wanted to fix it. "I like that I can now."
"Don't you think that you're going to see everything like that?"
"I'm not going to say you're right."
"I am," Connor said. "No, it does look really good. I promise. You're just going to get better."
Jude hugged the pillow to his chest. "So, what are we going to do now?"
"I have to work on my essay," Connor said. "I need to have a full draft due for peer review soon. You can hang out if you want to. I don't know when you want to go home."
"I don't want to go home," Jude said. "You have cable and I like that."
Connor just grinned like he really did believe that was the only reason that Jude wanted to stick around the house. He knew that it had something to do with him but he didn't want to sound too arrogant by pointing it out. Jude could be temperamental about things like that and Connor didn't want to see him go sweeping out the door because Connor was much happier when Jude was around. He wasn't scared to admit that at all. He went to fetch his laptop and then he sat at the coffee table with it while Jude stretched out along the couch.
"The TV won't bother you, will it?" Jude asked.
"No," Connor said, thinking that Jude was too selfless. "I like having background noise."
"Jellybean meowed at me and it took me, like, five minutes to start writing again," Jude said. "It's hard for me to even write and think which sucks because writing takes thought."
"But you're working on it still and that's the important part."
Jude gently nudged his shoulder. "Like you're not working on your essay. Come on. I should be home by six or she'll be mad that I disappeared for so long."
"I'll see you soon."
"I know," Jude said. "That's the good part. Okay, write your essay. You can read it to me later."
"You're my favourite mother hen, you know that?"
"Shut up."
Connor opened his essay but he couldn't concentrate on it for several minutes – not because of the movie that Jude had found but because he couldn't keep himself from tilting his to look at his best friend.
(-.-)
"Where have you been?"
"I told you, I stayed at my friend's house, you know, since he lives in a safe place."
Jude sank onto his and Callie's ratty couch. Connor's couch wasn't comfortable but it was more than their threadbare third-hand couch. Or maybe Jude just wanted to be bitter, maybe it would help him feel better about how much Jude would rather be there. Admittedly, it had nothing to do with the couch and everything to do with how Connor's voice sounded as he tried to read his essay out, stuttering and stopping as he went through his editing, his laptop and arm leaning on Jude's legs.
Callie took a seat on the other end of the couch, shoving Jude back to his side. He curled his legs up, wrapping his arms around himself and staring at her.
"Nic will be here, Nic won't let anyone near you. He knows that if he doesn't keep you safe then I have nothing left to lose."
"Maybe he'll kill you too."
"Maybe. Maybe … Maybe there's more going on than you know," Callie said. "I love you, Jude."
"I love you too."
"I stopped by the fast food place and there's burgers in the fridge for the next few days, okay?"
Jude nodded. "When are you leaving again?"
"Not until tomorrow. I'll be here tonight. Maybe you can show me some of that book that you've been so wrapped up in."
Jude just shrugged. "Maybe. Um, I need … something."
"What do you need?"
"Money," Jude said, realizing that it was the one thing that Callie couldn't consistently give.
"How much?"
"Just a little. I don't want to have to steal Christmas stuff this year."
Callie frowned, clearly thinking. "Well, it might mean that I take the money for your phone bill and give it to you in cash but that means you won't have your phone from December twentieth to January twentieth. I know you just got it and I don't know if that's a sacrifice you want to make."
"That's okay," Jude said quickly. "Just for one month?"
"Mhm. Okay, I can do that for you," Callie agreed. "What do you want for Christmas?"
"New pants. I'm getting too tall for my jeans."
"You always want clothes."
"And Christmas breakfast."
"Always," Callie said. "Always, always."
"What do you want for Christmas?" Jude asked. It was always hard for him to try and think of things. Usually he wandered in and out of stores until he found something that he thought she might like. It wasn't the most effective way of doing things.
"It's the thought that counts," Callie said being unhelpful. She swept her short hair behind her ears. "I'll be happy no matter what."
Jude would love to see Callie happy. Really, actually happy. He didn't know if he had ever seen it. If he had, it was so long ago that he didn't remember it at all. It was always the goal of Christmas for him. He would make her smile. It was hard to do but it was the one thing that Callie deserved it was to smile more than she did.
"I'll figure it out," Jude said confidently.
"I know you will." Callie rested her head against the side of the couch. "I think I have to go take a nap. Keep it down."
Jude nodded and watched her go into their room. Like he ever made an noise. Like he was the ever the disturbance. He slowly opened his bag and pulled out his playing cards, watching the novel, notebook, dictionary, and all of the pens and sticky notes he had acquired rattle around the bottom of the bag. He hoped that Callie forgot about asking about the novel. He didn't want to share it.
He didn't want to share any part of Connor with anyone.
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Traveler by Lostboycrow; and My Aim Is You by Nikola Sarcevic.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~