"Are you feeling okay?"

Connor nodded. "A little wiped out."

Adam pressed his hand to Connor's forehead and Connor resisted the urge to pull away and turn over in bed. Adam was just trying to take care of him. That was what fathers were for.

"Dr. Meyer wants to run more tests. She's got concerns."

"Let me guess," Connor murmured, "it's all uphill from here?"

"You could be a stand-up comedian," Adam said flatly. "Maybe I shouldn't go to this party if you're this sick."

"I'm going to be fine. I've done this before." Connor forced himself to sit up, creaking like an old man. "Besides, you like the party. How are you going to flirt with that secretary if you don't go?"

"Connor!"

"Kendra? Kasey? Am I hot or cold?"

"Connor Stevens!"

Connor was just glad that his father was successfully distracted. Adam didn't go into much detail about work – there was more that they had to discuss than that – but the few times that he managed to get his father to talk about his job, the secretary at the main desk of the building always came up in conversation. He had never pointed out to his father that he realized it probably meant something – he hadn't wanted to end up in that conversation and neither did his dad. He still didn't like to think about the fact that his father was going to move on from his mother but the more Connor's concerned Connor's doctor became, the more Connor realized that he wanted his father to have someone else. Right now, all that Adam had was he and Jellybean and Connor knew that Jellybean couldn't live forever either.

"Katrina is a nice work friend to have," Adam said. "Don't you concern yourself with that."

"Come on, Dad. You'll have fun with your friends and I'll have fun with mine. Jude's smart enough to call 911."

"I think you've said that before."

"Well, it's still true," Connor said. He slid to the side of the bed and stood up, even though his legs felt weak. "I'm okay. See? You've got nothing to worry about. We were fine on Halloween."

"I know. I just want to worry about you for as long as I can."

Connor tried not to read too much into that. He walked across his bedroom floor and headed downstairs.

"Come on. Let's have breakfast."

He heard his father follow him down the stairs and Connor poured cereal into a bowl. They went through the motions of the morning routine and Connor tried to pretend that Adam wasn't staring at him in concern. His father was going to his party so that Connor could get away with going to his. He kept his mouth shut and, finally, Adam had a small overnight bag packed.

"I don't feel right leaving you. Not with your health."

"I'm not about to die," Connor said. "Plus, you know, you'll probably end up glued to my side so we might as well have fun while we can."

"Call me about anything. I'm not the far away. I can be home in less than thirty minutes. Nothing is too trivial."

"I'm fifteen, Dad."

"You're not an adult yet. Are you sure Jude's parents are fine with you two staying alone?"

"You are," Connor snorted, dodging the question. "Go. You don't want to be late for Krystal."

"Katrina."

Connor smirked. "I knew that."

Adam shook his head. "I love you, Connor."

"Love you too, Dad."

"Do not forget your meds! Send me proof you took them!"

"I will!" Connor promised, and then he shut the door behind Adam.

His father wasn't even completely out of the driveway when Connor sent a text to Jude to start get on a bus. He was glad that Jude replied quickly that he was on his way. Connor was just excited. It was his first party. He wasn't sure what to expect or would it would be like. He had stories about what Daria's parties were like and they sounded like they were straight out of a movie – nearly every went, there was drinking everywhere and, sometimes, there was sex. The girl at the table in front of Connor in chemistry claimed she'd had sex in Daria's parents bed at Daria's back to school party. Connor wasn't sure whether or not he believed her but he wouldn't doubt that it had happened. Daria seemed to be one of the only people in the school that could get away with throwing a party like that and so everyone tried to turn up with the worst behaviour when Daria announced that they were going to party.

Connor was glad that he would get to go at least once and he was glad that Jude was going to be with him. He wouldn't be able to brave it alone. He would be too worried about what people might be thinking about him or what they might say to him. When Jude was around, Connor didn't have to think about that. He knew that there was someone there that wasn't judging him and who just genuinely cared about him and having that one person was enough. Jude was more than enough.

Jellybean in his arms, Connor leapt from the couch when he heard a knock on the door. He was quick to unlock it and let Jude in. Jude kicked off his ratty sneakers and Connor noticed that there was a new tear in the knee of the black jeans that Jude seemed to favour. There were red lines where the remaining threads had cut into his kneecap but Jude didn't seem to mind. He rubbed Jellybean's ears and went to turn into the kitchen.

"Do you mind? I'm hungry."

Jude being hungry would never surprise Connor. "Go ahead. I feel like I just ate though."

"Okay," Jude said. "As long as you don't mind."

"Nah."

Connor let Jellybean leap from his arms and he followed Jude into the kitchen. Jude looked comfortable as he put slices of bread into the toaster and dug in the cupboard for peanut butter.

"How's home been?" Connor asked.

"Same old, same old. She's gone again but things have been as quiet as they get around the place."

"Did you tell her you're here?"

"Yeah. After I couldn't go home, she got more comfortable with the idea that I'm safe here. She still doesn't like you."

Connor couldn't help but feel a little offended. "She doesn't even know me."

"It's the idea of you. I thought I told you that. She'd be fine with you if you were a girl."

Connor nodded as Jude turned around to spread peanut butter over his toast. Before he turned around, Connor tried to get his expression back under control. There were parts of him that Jude wanted to hide and it was hard to make that sit right with him, no matter how much he understood Jude's reasons. All because someone had decided who Jude was and now Jude couldn't be himself and neither could anyone else around him. It was a hard thing for Connor to be mad about but it made him wonder. It made him wonder who Jude really was. It made him wonder who Jude would be without that. He could never ask – he knew how Jude would shut down – but he wanted to know everything about Jude and it was difficult knowing he'd never get to know that part of him.

"How was school yesterday?"

"School's fine. I, um, I ended up telling Ms. Adams that we were going to Daria's party."

"What did she say?"

"She's not going to tattle to Dad but she gave me her cell phone number in case something went wrong."

"Do teachers do that? That seems weird."

Jude sat at the chair next to Connor, licking peanut butter from his fingers.

"She's not my teacher. And I know I'm different. I'm not going to use it but I think it was nice. She knows kids drink there."

"I'm too scared to get drunk," Jude said.

"I told Daria that I only wanted two bottles of beer. She kind of made fun of me for it. She said the point was to get drunker than that but we agreed we're not going to stay long, right? One bottle each that's not going to get us drunk, is it?"

"I don't know. I think that's the part that scares me." Jude frowned at his toast. "We won't be separated, right? I hate the thought of being surrounded by people I don't know."

"That's why I said I'd go only if you did. The point is to hang out with you."

That made Jude smile.

"It's two stops on a bus. We won't be far and then we'll come back here and watch a movie. Dad won't be home until, like, three tomorrow so we've got more than enough time to pretend like we didn't do anything."

"You can't get me into trouble."

"I'm not a trouble maker!"

Jude laughed and rolled his eyes. "Yeah but if the cops show up, I'm throwing you under the bus."

"I understand, Mr. Smith," Connor said, and Jude smiled and looked sad at the same time. "I've never heard of Daria's parties getting busted up by the cops but if it happens, I'll just meet you here?"

"Sure," Jude agreed.

Connor felt a rush. It was probably the most disobedient thing he had ever done. The cops might catch them! He knew they likely wouldn't – that there wouldn't really be anything bad besides a little underage drinking which everyone did – but it still made his heart race a little to think about it. Jude didn't look like he was experiencing the same thing. Jude seemed to spend his life looking over his shoulder. Connor couldn't imagine that he was excited over the prospect of having to do it again. It was why Connor was glad to know that Daria's parties, while wild, didn't usually get that out of hand. It did make Connor want to know what Jude was running from but, like with a lot of other things, Connor could sense he wasn't going to get that story.

He didn't ask. Connor had made the decision that if he was going to keep his secrets, Jude could keep his.

They spent most of their afternoon on the couch. Jude read to him and then they continued on with their routine of watching a movie. They were only interrupted when Connor's phone beeped.

"Your dad?" Jude guessed.

"Daria," Connor replied. "She asked for my number in case we got lost or something. She's asking when I'm coming over."

"Did you tell her you were bringing me?" Jude asked and Connor thought he sounded really defensive.

"Of course! I thought I told you I asked her if you could come."

"Oh, maybe," Jude murmured and he blushed slightly. "I'm going to stick out, you know? I was looking at people at your school when I came to meet you there."

"You don't have to blend in."

"You blend in," Jude said.

"Yeah and you thought that I was a jerk." Jude's blush deepened. "When, really, you were the jerk."

"Hey! I – What?! I was never a jerk to you."

"You were so rude to me when I picked up your cards off the floor."

"You were …." Jude looked frustrated as he looked for a word. "Arrogant!"

"Arrogant?"

"Yes!" Jude's eyes were wide as he stared at Connor and crossed his arms over his chest. "If I was rude, you deserved it."

"You were rude because you already decided I was a jerk." Jude didn't refute Connor's words but his expression soured. "It's okay. I forgive you."

"I did nothing for you to forgive!" Jude said haughtily and then he broke down laughing. "It's okay, I'll forgive you."

"Jude!"

"Connor!"

Jude crossed his arms over his chest and Connor knew that neither of them were going to give in and so he was the one that looked away first. He could give in to Jude.

"Anyway, she said any time between eight and nine. She said that's when most people would be coming over."

His phone chimed again.

"What now?" Jude asked.

"She said that we could come by earlier if we wanted to but I don't really want to. The middle is the fun part, right?"

"I guess so," Jude said. "Not that we'd know."

Connor could only agree with that. That was the whole reason that they were going.

"Want to leave now? We can go get burgers or something on the way?" Jude glanced at him and Connor realized his mistake. "Right, no burgers. Tacos?"

"We don't have to go out."

"Kind of do," Connor said. "There's no food, really. Dad left us pizza money. We can actually go get pizza if you'd rather have that."

"Whatever you want," Jude said. "It's your dad's money."

"You can decide on the bus," Connor said. "Come on, let's go."

He wasn't sure if Jude would actually follow him but Jude was right behind him as Connor topped up Jellybean's food and water. They tugged on their shoes in sync, wandering out the door. They bantered back and forth about what they were going to eat and which place they were actually going to go to. Connor felt like it was going to be a good night and he felt like he had lucked out on that. It was a good enough night that he and Jude walked to get tacos and ate and walked over to Daria's and Connor felt very little pain. There was always some pain, of course: his clothes rubbing his rash or his joints aching or sometimes his insides decided to hurt for no good reason. But, tonight, it was at a minimum and Connor had no way of knowing whether he would ever feel so good again.

"This is Daria's street," Connor announced and Jude looked nervous. "If you really don't want to go, now's the time to tell me."

"I'm going," Jude said. "I said I would. But this is probably the last time you'll convince me to do something like this."

It was probably the last time that Connor would get to try to convince him, either. He casually nudged Jude's arm with his own. "Deal."

Jude seemed satisfied with that.

Connor didn't need to double check the address as they headed to the end of the road. He could hear music coming from inside and, when he got around the long side of the hedges, Connor could see a few of his classmates on Daria's sprawling front lawn. Jude fell into step just behind him as they walked through the front door. The music grew louder and the heat from inside threatened to overwhelm Connor. It seemed that their entire grade, and some above and below, had appeared at Daria's for the night. He felt Jude's hand grip the side of his shirt as they worked their way through the crowd. He found Daria, sitting on her living room couch, holding court with Taylor and Maddie, as she normally was. As soon as she saw Connor, she was on her feet, wearing heels and a dress that never would have been allowed inside of Anchor Beach.

Looking at her, Connor felt as out of place as Jude had probably expected to. He was just wearing jeans and a t-shirt with a plaid button-up over top of it. He was dressed exactly how he would be if he were going to school. He hadn't thought that Daria's Christmas party was anything to get dressed up for but, clearly, he was the only one that thought that. The girls were all over-dressed and even the boys were wearing nicer jeans and clean shirts. Even Jude looked more put together: at least he looked like he intended to look like a devil-may-care rebel.

"Connor! You're here!"

Daria hugged him exuberantly which Connor chalked up to the smell of alcohol already on her breath. She never would have touched him if they were just at school.

"I have your beer!" she loudly announced.

"Thanks. Um, this is my friend, Jay. I told you he was going to come with me."

Daria barely spared Jude a glance. "I hope you have fun. It's Christmas-themed. Be careful, you never know who you're going to end up under the mistletoe with!"

Daria smiled at him but Connor just laughed.

"I don't think it's a mistletoe night for me."

Daria grabbed his hand. "I'll show you where your beer is."

Connor made sure he had a hold on Jude for when Daria started yanking him through the crowd. Connor wanted to shake her off, knowing that her fingers were going to end up bruising him – there was no reason that she should be holding him that tightly. They made it through the living room and into the kitchen. People were sitting up on the counters and Connor nodded at them, but Daria continued through the kitchen and into a mudroom. That was completely devoid of people but for the three of them.

"The beer people paid for is in here." Daria opened an old fridge at the back. "Yours are the ones in the door. There's some freebies in the kitchen, though, in case this runs out. You didn't get very much."

"We're probably not going to stay that long," Connor said. Or he tried to say so, at least. Daria brushed him off.

"I'll see you soon, okay? Maddie's having a boy crisis. There's a bottle opener on top of the fridge!"

Connor waited until the mudroom door swung shut behind her before he turned to gauge Jude's reaction. It didn't surprise Connor at all that Jude just laughed.

"I really don't fit in here."

Neither did Connor but that was why he assumed he clicked so well with Jude.

"Daria's … the most dramatic of the queen bees," Connor said. She wasn't a bad person and he didn't want to make it out like she was but there were things that could be said about her.

"She looks it." Jude stuck his hands in his pockets and glanced at the fridge. "Should we try beer?"

Connor nodded and he pulled out the two bottles. He put one in Jude's hand and then he reached on top of the fridge until his fingers found the bottle opener. He took Jude's bottle top off first but Jude waited until Connor had his beer open too before they took their first sips. Connor's first reaction was that he didn't think he liked it. It was nothing like what he expected it to taste like. His father had always seemed to like his beer but Connor really didn't see what there was to like about it. At least he didn't think that he was pulling the same kind of face that Jude was pulling.

"Why do people drink this?" Jude demanded and he held the bottle at arm's length so that he could squint at it. "Do you like it?"

"No," Connor said but he took a second sip, just to make sure that he still felt the same about it.

He did.

Jude sniffed the top of his bottle and took another drink, grimacing again.

"Are you going to finish it?" Connor asked, even though they had barely started.

"I'm going to try. Maybe you get used to it as you go."

"Let's head out, though. Maybe if there's more distractions then we won't think about how it tastes."

"I guess it can't hurt."

Jude cracked the door open and they stepped out into the kitchen. The music wasn't really as loud there and so that was where people were standing to talk. Connor didn't want to get caught up in the swell of conversation and he knew that Jude would absolutely hate it and so he headed back into the living room, where the music was loudest and his classmates were dancing, cups and bottles in their hands as they cheered, the walls seeming to shake with their excitement. Connor took another drink and let the mob consume him, turning around to make sure that Jude was right there. Jude was close to his side – the only time that he was closer was when Connor laid on him. He watched Jude choke down another drink, part of it dribbling from the corner of his mouth when someone hit his back and knocked him into Connor. Connor caught him and kept him close, like Jude was the one that needed protection when Connor knew that no one around him was thinking of him as the sick kid and was bumping into him like he was anyone else. He was going to be black and blue by morning. Maybe even by the time that he and Jude got home.

The music was almost hypnotic and the closer that Connor got to the end of his drink, the more that it felt that way. Daria was bumping her hip against his side when Jude gestured to Connor, whispering heavily in his ear.

"I need to find a bathroom."

Connor bent to Daria and she swung her thick, curly hair over her shoulder.

"Bathroom?"

"Upstairs." She looked cross, like that wasn't what she wanted to hear.

Connor couldn't help her and so he turned his back on her, placing his hands on Jude's back to get him out of the crowd of dancers. There seemed to be people everywhere and it took more than a moment of wandering and tripping over people for Connor to find a staircase. They headed up it and that was when Connor realized that he was feeling dizzy and light-headed. Was this drunkenness?

"You feel okay?" he asked Jude.

"My fingers feel fuzzy," Jude complained and Connor laughed.

Jude's cheeks were also flushed but that could have been the heat from dancing. Connor tripped over his feet as they hit the upstairs hallway, catching himself on Jude and the wall.

"Did you finish your beer?" Jude asked.

Connor looked at his bottle. There was the tiniest bit left and so he lifted it to his lips and took the last trickle.

"Yeah."

"Me too."

Connor put the bottle down on the top of the steps.

"Hey, did you see how much mistletoe is in this hallway?" Jude asked, taking a step away from Connor while looking up. He stretched up on his toes, like he could reach it, even though that was an impossibility. "Who decorated?"

"Daria. She said there was mistletoe."

Connor shuffled forward, feeling like he wanted to be moving forward but feeling like he hadn't given himself the command to go.

Jude was laughing. "This is so over the top, you know? I didn't think parties were like this."

"Me either, really."

Connor was standing right in front of Jude but Jude hadn't taken his eyes off the mistletoe; he was still laughing at it.

"There's curled gold streamers! Connor, I don't understand!"

It was such a trivial thing to be consumed by but it made Jude's fixation all the funnier to Connor.

"You don't understand mistletoe!? What kind of place do you live in?"

Jude shoved him, a little too strong for how gentle Jude usually was with him but Connor knew that he weaved too much with the motion.

"I know what mistletoe's for!"

They were close again, closer than Jude usually let him get.

"Then you know it means a kiss."

Connor hadn't been sure that he was going to do it and he hadn't been sure that Jude was going to let him do it but Jude tilted his head to the side and Connor's mind and heart were both whispering at him to just go for it and so he did. He kissed Jude, while his palms felt sweaty and his cheeks felt flushed and his heart was hammering faster than it ever had. He was surprised at how kissing felt. It was a lot better than beer. It was a million times better than anything Connor had felt before. Jude's hands grabbed the front of Connor's shirt and was pulling him closer and so Connor gave in. He threw his arms around Jude's neck and tilted his head, his fingers sliding through Jude's blue hair. Jude's arms were tight around his ribs, as if Connor could have breathed anyway. As if he could do anything but get lost in the moment of thinking that he was having his first kiss and that he was lucky enough to have his first kiss with Jude.

And then it was all over.

Jude pushed him away, a horrified look on his face and then he turned in a circle, rushing into the bathroom. The sound of the door slamming shut reverberated through Connor's bones and he backed up until he hit the wall and then he slid down to the floor, his fingers touching his lips. His whole body was tingling; he felt like he had been set on fire but, this time, it was in the good way. He had kissed Jude and it was all-consuming. And hard to believe. And he didn't know what Jude was going to do when he came out of the bathroom.

If he came out and hadn't figured out a way to scale out the bathroom window and down to the ground. He sat there until the door cracked open and Jude looked out, staring at Connor. Connor shrugged, not sure what to say and not sure what Jude was feeling.

"Let's go," Jude said and he didn't sound like anything. He didn't sound happy and he didn't sound mad and he didn't sound at all like Jude ever had before, so Connor didn't know what to do.

So, Connor just nodded and pushed himself off the floor. As he followed Jude down the stairs, he thought that he should say goodbye to Daria but that thought was gone almost as soon as it occurred. He would see her on Monday and it was more important to him to know what was going on with Jude. Connor stuck his hands in his pockets and regretted forgoing a sweatshirt as he followed Jude outside. There were still people smoking on the lawn and they'd now been joined by several couples who were making out. Connor tried not to enviously stare at them while his lips flamed. He had kissed Jude. Jude had kissed him back. Connor knew that. He wasn't so naïve to believe differently.

But Jude had pushed him away too.

Connor wasn't sure what to make of any of it and Jude certainly wasn't talking to him about it. Jude walked right by the bus stop and down the street. Connor stretched his legs out and kept pace with him, curling his hands into fists as he walked. Jude wouldn't look at him but he made sure that he wasn't outrunning Connor and Connor chose to take that as a good sign. Jude wasn't running back to his house. He had said 'let's go'. Wherever Jude was going, he wanted Connor there. Connor, at the least, was choosing to believe that.

He was out of breath by the time that they got to Connor's front door. Jude stood awkwardly by as Connor unlocked it and they headed inside. Connor locked the door behind him, noticing that Jude didn't kick his shoes off like he had earlier. Had Connor ruined their friendship? Had Connor lost his only friend?

"Jude –"

Jude held his hand up. "We should just go up to bed."

"Can we talk about it? I don't know what to think."

"Me either," Jude whispered. "Let's go upstairs, okay? I'm not going anywhere. I said I'd stay with you tonight."

His heart falling in his chest, Connor followed Jude up to his own room. He got ready for bed slowly, only turning around to face his friend when he was sure Jude was in his own pyjamas. Jude sat on the end of Connor's bed.

"Okay, listen. Connor, I … I'm your friend. Even without the things that happened to me, that's all I would ever want to be for you. I know who you are and that's f-fine but that's not … me. That's you. I'm your friend. I'm still going to be your friend but you have to promise me that something like that isn't going to happen again. I can't have someone see it and I … I wouldn't want it to happen."

"I understand," Connor murmured and he tried to make himself louder as he said. "I'm sorry, Jude. I guess I got caught up."

Jude nodded and then he crawled onto his side of the bed. It wasn't late but Connor was tired and it had been a long day. He turned out the bright light and then crawled into bed next to Jude, turning his back on him and facing the outer part of his room. Stupid! He was so stupid! To do something so impulsive and drive a wedge between he and Jude! Connor felt the bump of Jellybean jumping onto the bed and, just like he hoped she would, she walked up the length of his body and snuggled into his arms. Connor hid his face down into the fur along her back, letting tears roll down his cheeks and into her purring body.

He had never thought about how much it would hurt to be rejected until it actually happened.

If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Side By Side by Sleeping At Last; and There Is A Dark Place by Tom Rosenthal.

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~