Jude woke up first and he just stared at the ceiling. Connor had kissed him! Connor had kissed him and Jude had kissed him back and oh God. He still could hardly believe that it wasn't a dream. Whenever he thought of it, and he had spent all night thinking of it, his heart still beat out of his chest and he felt like he was going to explode from the need to smile. But he wasn't allowed to smile. He wasn't allowed to ever do it again, no matter how many times he was going to think about it. The exact thing that Jude wanted most had happened to him and he had to turn his best friend away. He had to close his eyes to chances and could-be's because they couldn't be.
But they had been so close.
Jude could still taste Connor's lips, still feel how Connor's body fit in his arms, and he wanted to kiss a boy again. His boy. Connor. Connor was his as much as he wasn't. Jude felt tears well up in his eyes and he pushed his feelings away. He didn't like boys and Connor was his friend and Jude had to believe the lies that he told himself. It was the way to survive. A way to get through the day. He couldn't let himself be teased by hope and promise. He couldn't lose his head over a boy kissing him, even though the boy kissed him so well and Jude would have sold a kidney to be able to do it again.
Breathing today was so much harder compared to yesterday.
It shouldn't be. Jude had always known what he could and couldn't be. It was supposed to be easy to focus on everything that he was gaining versus everything that he might be losing. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. There wasn't supposed to be Connor. He wasn't supposed to do this to himself. Yet here he was and he couldn't take it back. He couldn't regret it, either. But it hurt. Nothing could make him turn his back on Connor now but he wished that he could take back what he said last night about just wanting to be friends. He had worried about whether or not Connor liked him back; he had worried about whether or not Connor could tell he had a crush. Everything seemed so futile now. Connor had kissed him first. Jude could have the boyfriend that he wanted but he couldn't say it. He couldn't put himself in the spotlight like that; he couldn't put Callie in that position. She barely tolerated the fact that Jude had Connor as a friend. If she had any good reason to suspect more, he would never see Connor again. She would keep him locked up in their room because he would have proven that he couldn't follow the rules.
Jude sat up slowly but Connor didn't move. Above Connor's head, Jellybean stared at him judgementally. It was like she knew he was a liar. It was like she knew he had hurt Connor. She probably did know. Jude carefully moved off the end of the bed. Connor didn't even shift. Connor wouldn't notice he was gone. Connor probably would never forgive him for turning him down last night. Connor could probably tell that Jude had lied to him. He'd probably be mad at that too.
Jude got dressed, barely making a sound. He had gotten good at being quiet and being invisible. It wouldn't be hard to go back to that. No. That was a lie. It would be hard to go back to it. It didn't mean that he couldn't. He could. That didn't mean he wanted to. He didn't want to. Jude's head was swimming as he packed up his pyjamas in his bag and picked it up, creeping down the stairs. He paused in the living room. He didn't want to go. He didn't want to sneak out like that but it was probably best. He should have left last night and given them space then but Jude was selfish and it hadn't been what he wanted. He'd wanted to sleep next to Connor. He'd wanted to stay close, reliving their kiss and trying to hold his breath to keep from reaching for Connor.
Jude opened his bag and looked down at the novel. Should he leave it? Would that be too final? If he did, Connor might think that Jude never wanted to speak to him again and that wasn't the case. Jude just thought that maybe they shouldn't spend so much time together. He wanted to pretend that it would make anything easier but all Jude wanted to do was go upstairs. He wanted to pretend that nothing had changed between them but he knew that wasn't true. Even if they acted as though nothing was different, Jude knew that he had changed. He had his first kiss. He was going to stare at Connor's face and feel what-if more than he ever had before and he had so many what-ifs to consider in his life.
Above him, Jude heard Jellybean meow and he turned to put on his sneakers. Then, louder, a call of: "Jude?"
Jude stood stock-still. He couldn't leave when Connor was calling for him.
"I'm downstairs," he shouted back.
He heard Connor's footsteps above him and he put his bag down, trying not to make it look like he hadn't been trying to sneak away, even though that was exactly what he had been doing. He thought that Connor would think badly of him.
"Why?" Connor asked, his voice beating him down the stairs. "Are you running away?"
Jude couldn't help but pull a face. Connor knew him too well.
"Not anymore," Jude grumbled.
When Connor came down the stairs, Jude really couldn't take his eyes from Connor's face. It was unfair. His eyes were so unfair. And so was his stupid, preppy hair and so was his cute, stupid smile. Jude was sure he could go on all day but he just crossed his arms over his chest.
"Are you really that mad at me?" Connor asked. "I'm sorry for last night. Maybe I was kind of drunk or maybe I was just kind of selfish. I know you don't … I know that you wouldn't want that from me and I knew that then, too. We can still be friends, right? You said that last night."
Connor was blaming himself? Jude felt so guilty that Connor was doing that but it might also be good for him if Connor was. Jude dropped his hands down to his sides. "I did say it. And I did mean it."
"I promise, just friends. I don't know what I was thinking last night. I don't think I was. You do forgive me, right?"
Jude nodded. "If you make breakfast."
Connor smiled at him and Jude's knees went weak.
I lied. I panicked. Kiss me again.
The words hung heavy on his lips but Connor padded by Jude into the kitchen and Jude knew that the door was closing and he had to let it. He fell into step with Connor.
"What are you in the mood for? I told you last night, there's not much food here."
Connor's hand wrapped around the fridge handle and Jude frowned.
"Is something wrong with your hand?"
Connor looked down and shook his hand.
"It looks really puffy," Jude added, like Connor couldn't see it.
"Yeah, my, um, disease does that, sometimes. Hands and feet. It'll go down."
"What kind of blood disorder does that?" Jude asked, while thinking he didn't really know anything about blood disorders to begin with. He knew less about blood disorders than he did about kissing boys.
"My kind. You've got blood in your hands and feet, right?"
"Right. You've got blood everywhere."
"My brain's not going to swell and explode," Connor said sarcastically. "Hands and feet. Don't worry about it. Hey, we've got stuff for French toast. What do you think?"
"Sure," Jude agreed.
There was a beat of silence between them and Jude hated it. He hated quiet. Luckily, Connor cleared his throat.
"I think I did feel kind of tipsy last night but I don't think I was really drunk but that's okay. I didn't want to get really drunk. I wanted to know what beer tasted like, not what a hangover feels like."
Jude watched Connor crack eggs into a mixing bowl.
"You're dizzy and you have a headache. That's all that my sister ever said about hangovers."
He really should stop saying sister in front of Connor, Jude thought idly. Not that Connor was going to forget that Jude had said it at all but Jude really should stop reminding him. But what could it hurt? Connor knew too much already and wasn't going to sell him out. Who would Connor sell him out to, anyway?
"I get enough headaches," Connor mused, "so, I guess I'm extra glad that we skipped that."
"Often?"
"Not really. More, I guess, lately."
"Why?"
"My doctor has me trying new medication. I don't know if I like the side effects."
Jude could tell that Connor didn't like talking about it but he couldn't help his curiousity.
"Why did you change from your old medication? What kinds of medication?"
"It's complicated and gross. Blood stuff is gross," Connor said. "This stuff's new, she thought it would work better, it's not a big conspiracy."
Jude sighed. Things felt different this morning. He felt like Connor was upset with him but Jude couldn't blame him for that. If the shoe was on the other foot, he could imagine he would feel hurt too.
"Food's almost done," Connor said.
Jude gathered plates up and put them on the counter. They carried them off to the living room and sat on the couch. Connor turned the TV on and it was all very much the same and it was all very much different. Jude couldn't put it into words but he was sure that Connor felt it and Jude didn't know what to say or do. He didn't want to make it worse; he didn't know how to make it better. He wanted to tell Connor everything; he knew he couldn't give that much away. He felt like he was being torn in half and he was just waiting for the moment that he burst from it.
"Thanks for making breakfast." That was a normal thing to say. It was a nice thing to say.
"You're welcome."
"Do you want me to go home after this?" Jude asked. "Do you want me here?"
Connor frowned and, as far as Jude could tell, he was actually confused. "Why would I want you to go?"
"Are you sure you don't feel … awkward or anything?" Jude asked carefully. He didn't want to give Connor any ideas.
"I mean, kind of but I don't want to stop spending time with you and if I try to avoid it, it's just going to get worse and we're just going to … move on. I'm sorry," Connor said again, because he really believed that he needed to be.
"It's okay." Jude put his nearly empty plate down on the coffee table. His stomach was churning too much for him to eat any more. "I'll read to you soon."
"You don't have to –"
"It's normal," Jude said. "That's what we do and we want it to be the same. Plus, I like it. I like that I'm getting better. I want to, Connor."
"Okay." Connor put his plate down and he had barely touched his food. "I want to be the same too."
They could say it all morning and all afternoon and all night but Jude knew that they weren't fooling each other. Jude wanted to ask, point-blank: do you have a crush on me? Connor was going to say yes. Even though they'd never had anything to drink before, Jude knew that one beer couldn't make them drunk enough to make stupid decisions. He remembered every moment of last night. He had felt giddy, like the happiest he had ever been times five, but he had remembered every single moment. He knew that he would never forget it.
"I'll get my book," Jude said, gathering the plates as he stood.
"Jude?"
He stopped in his tracks. "Yeah?"
"Would you really have left without saying goodbye this morning?"
Jude had been determined to but he'd had time to do so before Connor woke. He didn't have to respond to Connor, he could have just run away. He knew the truth. "No."
"You thought about it?"
"I think about a lot of things," Jude said vaguely. "But I'm here until you send me away. Even after your dad comes home."
"Thank you."
It was the least Jude could do for all that he couldn't tell Connor and all the lies that he had to tell. He put their dirty plates away and then got his backpack, dragging it over to the couch. He put the dictionary, the sticky notes, and a pen on Connor's leg. Connor was still wearing his thin pyjama pants and it was more tempting to let his fingers gently touch the fabric, knowing he could feel the warmth of Connor's body. He forced himself to pull his hand away. He couldn't encourage himself. He couldn't do anything that would let Connor think anything other than friend, otherwise, Connor might try to kiss him again, and Jude couldn't let it happen. Oh, but how he wanted it to! He wanted to tear his hair out from how frustrated he felt.
It was another reason why he hurried to open the book to where they had left off. Reading forced him to slow down and work his way through it. It forced him to focus on nothing else. His mind tried to wander but he couldn't let it because he knew that Connor was concentrating on his words, maybe even more than he was, and so he had to keep his eyes on what he was doing. He held the book and tilted his shoulder down but, of course, Connor wasn't going to lean against him today. Maybe he never would again. Maybe that part of their normal was gone now and Jude hated that he didn't know. He was just getting to think that maybe he could know and predict Connor and be comfortable with the way things were and now everything was different.
"Jude? Do you remember where we left off?"
Jude nodded and cleared his throat. Reading, he was reading. That was all he was doing.
It was all thought he could do.
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Come Out Of The Shade by The Perishers; and Is There Somewhere by Halsey (Reader recommended).
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~TLL~