"Connor! Connor!"
Connor stopped in the hallway, turning to face Daria. He had made it through the day without seeing her and when they had reached last period English, she hadn't so much as glanced at him. He thought that she was ignoring him and, for once, he felt bad about it. She had been nice enough to invite him and Jude to her party and buy them beer. He should be nice to her, since she was nice to him, but if she didn't want to even look at him, who was he to make her? But it was all moot point now that she was heading toward him, the skirt of her blue dress swinging around her knees.
"You disappeared at my party."
"My friend got sick," Connor lied. "I didn't mean to run out but we kind of had to go."
"One beer was too much, huh?" Daria said, laughing.
Connor shrugged. "I guess so. It was fun, though."
"You were barely there. The fun happens later."
Connor shrugged again. "You know it's hard for me to do things."
Daria suddenly couldn't look at him. "You don't look as bad as you used to."
"Thanks?" It seemed like a good thing to say.
"Is it still … I mean, how do you …" Daria squinted at him and then she laughed awkwardly. "You know, they gave us presentations on this stuff back in, like, seventh grade. How to talk to you. What to say and what not to. I don't remember it now."
Connor nodded. That had been during the first round of treatments. He'd been going to school looking like a freak. It was when they had realized that he was different and they wanted to stay away from him. Connor stared at the floor. It was going to happen again. It was going to get that bad again. It was going to get worse.
"I guess I just want to ask how you are." For once, Daria seemed completely sincere in the way that she was looking at him.
"Thanks. I'm … fine. Really." If he wasn't going to tell Jude, he wasn't going to tell Daria. Despite the fact that Connor has known her for longer, Daria was a stranger compared to how he knew Jude.
"I'm glad to hear it. Are you heading out to the busses?"
"No, I have to go see Ms. Adams about my missed classes."
"Okay. See you tomorrow, Connor."
"See you."
Her hand brushed his arm as she walked by. Connor turned down another hallway, over to Ms. Adams' office. He knocked on her door and it swung inward. She was standing there, on the phone, but she gestured Connor in anyway. He went and took his usual chair, trying not to eavesdrop on her conversation.
"I think that would be nice … Yes, okay. We'll plan for that weekend unless something comes up … I think we'll just have to trust them … Mhm. Can we talk about this at home? Connor's here for his appointment … Okay. I love you. Bye."
Connor fidgeted awkwardly as Ms. Adams put her phone down and opened his folder.
"Was that Stef?" Connor asked. He knew a few things about Ms. Adams's personal life – not really through knowing her, but just through being in the same school as her children. Mariana was a big talker and so Connor knew about Ms. Adams' partner, Stef, and more about their personal life than he had ever admitted to Ms. Adams. But she always smiled whenever someone said Stef's name around her and today was no different.
"Yes. We want to drive down and visit Brandon at university soon but who knows what Mariana and Jesus will get up to. They might throw a party." Ms. Adams picked up her pen. "What do you think about parties?"
"You don't have to be so subtle. Jude and I went to Daria's party. We had one bottle of beer each. That's not enough to get someone drunk, is it?"
"Well, not normally, but since you're young and you're not experienced drinkers, it might hit you a little harder."
"My meds don't help," Connor admitted. "I think I felt something when I drank. I also did something stupid and I guess I kind of wanted an excuse."
Immediately, Ms. Adams had the concerned parent look on her face. "Something stupid how?"
"Um, I … You can't tell my dad this, okay?"
"I won't, as long as no one is in any danger."
Connor nodded. "I kissed Jude."
"Oh, Connor." She was on the verge of being happy for him, Connor could tell, but he could tell that she was also torn, thinking of all the secrets that he was keeping. "Why do you think it's something stupid?"
"He … kissed me back for a second and then he pushed me away and … He's not gay. He doesn't like me. I'm so worried about seeing him tomorrow! It was kind of weird on Sunday and what if it just gets weirder? I can't lose him as my friend."
Ms. Adams tapped her pen. "What are your feelings toward Jude?"
"He's my best friend."
"You kissed him."
Connor closed his eyes and whispered, "It's barely fair for me to be his friend. I couldn't … It doesn't matter what I want."
"What do you want?" Ms. Adams asked.
Connor hugged himself. "I want … I mean, he's … Jude's … I want –"
"Connor! You're bleeding!"
Connor's eyes flew open. There was blood on his sleeves! He reached his hand up to his face, realizing that blood had started dripping from his nose.
"Should I call your father?" Ms. Adams asked, passing tissues to him.
"No." Connor took more tissues than he should and shoved them up around his nose. "It's fine. It's … expected."
"Head forward, not back."
Connor did as instructed. "I want to be healthy," he murmured miserably.
"Stay positive. You never know what will happen."
But that was the problem.
Connor did know.
(-.-)
Jude sat in his usual beanbag chair at the Centre. He shuffled his cards but he wasn't doing anything but watching Connor. He was holding up a math book, reading out answers to Mary and Michael. Jude could just barely hear the tone of his voice over the babbling of other tutoring sessions that were just on the verge of wrapping up. He tried not to be nervous. He tried not to think about being nervous. It was just Connor. And Connor was his friend. It was what they had decided on but it didn't help with the way Jude's heart hurt when he thought about it.
What good was friends when Jude just wanted to be kissed?
He looked down at his cards as one caught on the other, sending an already ripped corner fluttering to the ground. Jude pulled a face, hoping that it wasn't an indicator of how his day was going to go. Or how his life was going. He flipped the card over. King of Hearts. Well. He put it back in the deck but it stuck out like a sore thumb. Not that his other cards were pristine: they were stained and ripped. They'd be gross when he'd found them, wet and stepped on in the street. They were from a beer brand – probably a giveaway from the liquor store down the street. Jude had scooped them up, even though there was really no reason to want them or to carry them around. He was glad that he had been smart enough to take them, however. He couldn't imagine how bored he would be if he didn't have them.
"Whatever!" Mary's loud voice cut through the group. "You never get anything right!"
"Come on," Connor said. "Be nice to your brother."
Mary hefted the math textbook and Jude flinched when it connected with Connor's bicep, Connor making sure that it didn't end up hitting her brother. Connor's face twisted and he rubbed his arm.
"Okay, I think that's enough for today," Connor said, rubbing at his arm. "I'll see you guys on Thursday."
Michael didn't say anything. He just slumped out angrily after Mary. Connor began to pack up and, so, Jude put his cards back in the box and threw them into the depths of his bag. He pulled his backpack over his shoulder and stood up so that he was waiting for Connor at the door. Connor was still rubbing at his arm.
"You okay?"
"She hit me hard," Connor said. "Really hard."
Jude followed him out the front door of the Centre, half-heartedly waving to Norma. "Can you break bones or anything?"
"No. I've never broken anything. I don't have a bone problem." Connor stretched his arm above his head, wincing all the while. "She should wrestle or play football or something. Ow."
"Is there anything that you can do about it?"
"No." Connor opened the front door of the coffee shop. "I just have to wait. Be patient. Here, take this. I'm going to go sit down."
Jude took Connor's wallet. "The usual?"
"Can you get me the latte again today?"
"Okay," Jude agreed.
Connor went to sit on the couches and Jude stood in line. He opened the wallet, glancing at the photo in the front pocket. He was struck with the realization that it was probably Connor's mother, which meant that the baby in the photo was Connor. As he waited in line, he looked down at the child, glancing over at Connor. He'd been cute as a child.
"Hi, how can I help you?"
"Oh. Um." Jude fumbled for the wallet. "Two vanilla lattes and a cinnamon bun. Please."
He paid her with Connor's last twenty, looking at the card in the corner. Money. Just once, he would like to do anything without thinking about money. Despite all of Nic's promises, it was the one thing that he and Callie would never have. Despite all that Nic was trying to accomplish, it was the one thing that he likely would never have either. He put the change carefully into the wallet and waited for the lattes, the cinnamon bun on its plate in front of him. He glanced over his shoulder at Connor, typing on his phone, and his heart hurt. He just wanted to live in Connor's world. He just wanted to be Connor's equal in some way. He didn't think he ever would be. How could he be?
He gathered up their snacks and carefully carried them over to the table. Connor reached up, sliding a cup out of Jude's hand.
"Is this one mine?"
"They're the same."
"The latte is good, right?" Connor asked. Normally. Casually. Jude was trying to read too much into things.
"Yeah, it is. I like it." He did, he really did. One little change. It was a step in the right direction. No, it wasn't. It was a drink and he was reading too much into things.
"Michael and Mary, though, I'm still not sure I like them."
"Well, they've always been insane like that."
"You know them?"
"You get to know faces," Jude said. "You see a lot of the same people until, one day, they're not there anymore and you realize it's all gone downhill from there."
"Jude …"
"I've been going to that place for a long time." Jude sighed. "I guess it's better than failing out of it though."
That was probably the type of things that he should keep to himself. Connor didn't need to know how many dirty details there were in his life but he didn't want to keep anything from Connor. It was so hard to bite his tongue.
"My sister makes me go to keep me away from what she's doing."
"You're not going to tell me what she's doing," Connor guessed but Jude could hear the genuine curiousity in his voice.
"Even I don't know what she's actually doing most of the time and I can't tell you what I do know." The things he knew for sure made Jude uneasy. The things that he suspected made him physically sick. But it was the only way for them to live, now. They had trapped themselves. Like they were bugs and Nic was the jar. "But, hey, things could always be worse."
"I always really like your optimism."
Jude snorted. "What optimism?"
Connor smiled at him. "See, that's what I mean."
Jude really didn't understand Connor but he liked that too. He liked everything about him. Which was wonderful and awful and Jude almost wished that he didn't know Connor so that he didn't have to be so conflicted but it would be worse to not know Connor. He knew that. He had been wanting someone like Connor since before he'd known the boy existed.
"Whatever," Jude said flippantly.
"So, do you want to read me something or do you want to play Hangman?"
"This is what happens when you're in full tutoring mode," Jude grumbled but it felt natural and normal, like they had never kissed at all. "Okay, let's do Hangman today."
"I like the way you think," Connor said and he started digging in his bag. "Do you want to start?"
He wanted Connor to look at him. He wanted to keep talking about this weekend and kissing Connor even though there was nothing left to say and he was the reason why there was nothing left to say. He had shut everything down. He had pushed Connor away. He didn't want to hurt Connor by bringing it up. If Connor liked him, it would hurt him to talk about it. Jude knew that all too well.
"Okay," Jude said. He fished out his copy of To Kill A Mockingbird searching through it until he found a word that he thought would work and he carefully put down the blanks for it.
Connor shimmied as close as he usually did and hung over Jude's shoulder. It was really was like the weekend hadn't happened.
"Hmm. A?" Connor guessed.
Jude could totally stop thinking about it.
Really.
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: I Still Breathe by Apollo Drive; and Hugging You by Tom Rosenthal.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
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