Every little noise made Connor want to burst into tears. The light made him feel like he was going to be sick. Even though the curtains were shut and the door was shut and his eyes were shut, Connor couldn't do anything but ball his hands into fists. He was full of his pain medication and it still wasn't helping. He couldn't remember the last time he had a headache this bad but he knew. Dr. Meyer had warned him about his new symptoms and what was happening but Connor was always knocked breathless by the pain. It was never something that he got used to.
The door creaked as it open and the slightest bit of light fell across his eyes.
"Connor," Ms. Adams said, her small whisper reverberating in his ears like a shout, "we called your father. He's on his way to get you."
Connor nodded, feeling like a hammer struck his temple as he did so.
"Is there anything you need?"
"No."
There was nothing that would help him now. He just had to hold his breath and hoped that it went away.
(-.-)
Jude wasn't used to having money in his pocket and it made him feel jumpier than he did if he was going into a store to steal something. He felt like he now stood out though Jude had no idea how. This was how things were supposed to work. It was how normal people did things. It was how things were supposed to be done. If Jude was a better person, it was how he would always do things. He would never have to steal. He would never have to deprive anyone of anything. He could be honest. Jude just wanted the chance to be honest. Well, now was it. It was time for him to do his Christmas shopping and he had slipped inside the mall, letting himself be caught up in the flow of holiday shoppers. He stuck his hands in his pockets and tried to look casual. He really was doing nothing wrong this time.
The sheer amount of people in the mall made him skittish and so Jude found himself ducking in and out of stores that weren't so populated. On the upside, there was no one around but the downside was that he had the staff's full attention and there was a reason that there was no one in those stores. He had nothing for Callie and he had nothing for Connor and it was frustrating. It was all that he had set out to do and Jude really hadn't thought that it would eat up the entirety of his Monday. Not that it mattered if it did; it wasn't as if he had anything else to do.
Jude took the escalator up to the next floor, realizing that he wasn't going to find what he was looking for in a mall. There was nothing here that suited either of them, even though Jude had to admit that he had no idea what to buy either of them. Callie was silent on the subject of what she wanted and Jude was far too embarrassed to even ask Connor what he wanted, just in case Jude couldn't do it or in case he fell short. But he just couldn't do that. He couldn't fall short. He needed something to show Connor how good of a friend Jude thought he was and he needed something that was going to show how sorry he was about the party. It still hurt Jude to think about it. Connor had kissed him and he now he had even less than he had before. He wasn't sure how that worked but he felt a hurt and hollowness in his heart.
Jude strolled out of the mall.
Where did he go now?
(-.-)
Hospital.
Connor thought that he was in the hospital. He recognized the scratch of the pillow under his cheek and the steady thump of the nurses confidently moving through the halls. He was just glad that they were able to make it dark and that they were able to do something that would help the headache subside. His eyes flittered open a little. Things weren't as bad. He wasn't in as much pain. Connor turned his head from side to side. How had he gotten here? Why was he here? He had been at school. Ms. Adams had been there. When had his father come to get him?
"Dad," he whispered, even though there was no one there.
He looked to the side again. A nurse's button, just within his reach. It took more effort than it should have for him to press his thumb against the button. He drew his hand back to him. Hospital blankets weren't warm and he wanted to be warm. He wanted to be in bed, Jellybean on one side of him and Jude on the other. That was all that he wanted.
It took only a moment for his door to creak open.
"Hi, Connor," the nurse said, her voice low and hushed. "My name is Celia."
"Hi, Celia."
She closed the door behind her, leaving them in darkness. "How are you feeling? How's your head?"
"My head's better," Connor said. "It doesn't hurt so much. Did I get sick? Is that why I'm here?"
"Dr. Meyer is on her way to talk to you. She'll explain everything in a few minutes." With practiced hands, Celia checked his IV.
"What's that for?"
"You were dehydrated. It's just some fluids."
Connor lifted his hand to his face. "I'm … My nose feels weird."
"You had a minor nose bleed. The doctor will talk to you about that too." Celia looked more concerned that Connor wanted her to. His bones chilled.
"Celia, where's my dad?" He wanted something comforting. He didn't want to feel scared.
"He's just outside the door. I'll send him in. Is there anything you needed?"
"No, thank you."
Celia left the room and Adam came in, taking the chair next to Connor's bed. Connor could barely look at Adam's face. There was something in his expression that Connor had to close his eyes against.
"Hey, you okay?" Adam spoke softly, like he was speaking to a child or someone that was dying and Connor's stomach clenched.
"What's going on?"
"Dr. Meyer is coming."
Connor forced his eyes open. "Dad, it's worse, isn't it?"
Adam sat on the edge of the bed, leaning down over Connor to hug him. He kissed Connor's forehead, the way that his mother used to. "It's okay, Connor, we're going to get through this. It's going to be okay."
Connor held tightly onto his father's hand. Someday, they would have to stop but, today, they were going to just keep believing the lie.
(-.-)
A second-hand store. Was Jude more likely to find something for Callie and Connor here? He might as well try. It was getting late; he was running out of time today. Christmas was getting closer and closer, though he still did have a few weeks, but if he didn't find something good now, all of the good things might be gone. And he didn't know if he was going to see Connor for Christmas. Schools let out. He didn't know if Connor would keep going to the Centre over Christmas. He couldn't expect that, could he? He had no idea.
Jude looked at the jewellery. Not for Connor. He had never seen Connor wear jewellery and he felt like he shouldn't be the one to buy it for Connor, even if he did. But he had gotten jewellery for Callie before. He saw a bracelet that he thought that she would like and he plucked it from the shelf. The salesgirl wasn't paying any attention to him. Any other day, he would slip it over his wrist, wander around for a minute more, and then he would be out the door with it. He wouldn't have thought twice and he wouldn't have felt guilty at all. Today, he was a functioning person. A good person. Like paying for things was really the line.
It might have been. What did Jude know?
He skipped the clothing altogether. What did he get Connor? What would Connor want? Some insignificant bauble? It didn't seem enough. He had to find something. He had to find something good and real.
Jude frowned as he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He hoped that it wasn't Callie checking up on him but that was usually what it was. His frown deepened when he saw that it was from Connor.
Connor: I won't be at tutoring tomorrow. Will you come to the house?
Jude: R U OK
Connor: I will be. Will you come over tomorrow?
Jude: OK
It made Jude feel uncomfortable and he was anxious for it to be tomorrow. He didn't want to bother Connor but he also partially wanted to show up at Connor's door tonight, just to make sure that he was okay. He put his phone back in his pocket and tired to just go back to his shopping. This was what he could do for Connor now. He could find Connor something great for Christmas. He looked over the children's toys and then he was in the book section of the store. It was a place that he had never wandered before. He had no reason to. Callie had no interest in books; Jude had no interest books. Books couldn't feed them and couldn't help them.
Connor cared about books. Maybe Jude could find him something that he would like. He wandered through the two tall shelves, feeling overwhelmed by the amount of titles and authors and pages. How many words were in this one room? How long would it take Jude to read them all? He spun in a circle, wondering if he would have to leave and come back again, just to give him time to adjust to the room. And that was when Jude noticed something. Something familiar.
He knelt down in front of the shelf. To Kill A Mockingbird. It was the very version that Jude was reading, otherwise he probably never would have picked it out. Jude pulled it off the shelf. There was no point in replacing the book that Connor had given to him with the same version but he wondered if there was a version here that Connor didn't have. That would mean something to his friend. Jude pulled the versions of the book off the shelf, desperately trying to picture Connor's bookshelf and wishing that he had spent longer looking at it. He pulled a book off the shelf and did a double take. Harper Lee, that's what it said. He knew that name now but the title of the book was different or something. Jude opened the book and it took him a moment of staring to realize that the book was in a different language. He might not be the smartest person but he could realize when something wasn't in English.
He hesitated and then kept that copy of the book close to his side. He didn't know if Connor spoke any other languages but Connor had talked about seeing all sides of the book. Maybe he would appreciate a copy of the book in another language, even if it was just something to add to his collection. The next copy of the book Jude found was definitely in English and was such a bright orange colour that Jude was sure he would remember it. Had he found one that Connor didn't have?
He decided to take a chance on it.
He carefully put all of the books back on the shelf except for the two he was taking with him and he placed Callie's bracelet on top of the two of them. He hoped that he had enough money. Nervously, he waited in line behind an old woman buying an uncomfortable number of stuffed animals. Finally, it was his turn and he placed his things on the table. The girl chatted as she went – she admired the bracelet, had never read To Kill A Mockingbird for high school, but she had taken Spanish. Jude did perk up at that. The other book was in Spanish. Could Connor be taking Spanish? He might be but Jude couldn't know for sure. The only classes that Connor really talked about were English and drama, but even drama was brought up far less. Jude hoped that he was taking Spanish. It would make more sense, at least then, to give him this book instead of one that was in Russian or something.
"Twenty-three dollars."
Jude had enough. He pocketed his change, wondering what he could use it for. He should use it on nothing and hoard it but he knew it would probably just get lost or stolen.
"Thank you," he whispered to the cashier as he slid the plastic bag into his backpack.
He left the store, tugging his hood up over his face.
He didn't want to be noticed.
(-.-)
Jude nudged Connor's welcome mat to the side, just like Connor's text said to do. And, just like Connor's text said, there was a key under the mat for him. He unlocked Connor's door, feeling like an intruder. The house was so quiet that the sound of him locking the door again seemed obnoxiously. Jude took off his shoes and went peeking through the bottom level of the house, finding no one. Not even Jellybean. He climbed the stairs to the second floor. When he reached the landing, he heard Jellybean's loud purr and he stuck his head into Connor's room.
"Oh, hey," Connor said. "I didn't even hear you come in."
He was stretched out on his bed, Jellybean beside him, his laptop on his stomach. He was wearing grey sweatpants and a baseball style shirt that read Anchor Beach. Aside from his dark circles and the red bumps on his forearms, he didn't look sick. Not sick enough to miss tutoring, anyway. He sat down on the foot of Connor's bed.
"What are you doing?"
"Some homework stuff. Nothing interesting but Dad and Ms. Adams don't want me falling behind."
"Oh."
Jude reached out to pet Jellybean's ears.
"Christmas break is so soon I don't see the point." Connor rolled his eyes and shut his laptop, sliding it onto his nightstand.
"How soon?"
"Like, December twenty-second. But, we only get two and half weeks of break which is way too short if you ask me."
"What are you doing over break?"
Connor glanced away from him. "Dad is going to … That is we … I'm going … I-I-I … I'm going to be busy."
A weight sat on Jude's chest. He doesn't want to see me, he realized, feeling horrified at the thought and the thought that Connor was sitting there, lying to him. His stomach churned. Things must have been ruined this weekend and Connor acting normal on Tuesday must have been a lie or he was just now realizing that it had been ruined. He dug his fingers into the side of his leg. What could he do or say to make Connor not hate him? How could he not give himself away? How –
"But," Connor continued, seemingly unaware of Jude's anxiety, "I'm still tutoring Tuesdays and Thursdays after break so don't worry. We'll get to go back to normal."
Jude nodded, maybe a little too eagerly. He was sure, after two and half weeks apart, he'd yearn for meeting up with Connor at the Centre and then going on one of their coffee dates. No. Jude flicked himself where Connor couldn't see. They weren't dates. He shouldn't have even slipped up in his head. He never had before. Not before Connor, that was.
"What are you thinking?" Connor asked. "You're like talking to a wall today."
"Sorry." Jude only had to glance at Connor's face to know he was forgiven. "Why didn't you go to tutoring?"
"New meds are throwing me off." Connor tucked his hands behind his head and stared up at the ceiling.
Jude sighed and gave into himself, laying on his stomach next to Connor, propping himself up on his elbow so he could still stroke Jellybean's side. "Why are you getting new meds? Are they new new meds?"
"They just get changed every so often. Something new and better will come out or the old ones aren't being effective. Stuff like that. It doesn't really mean anything."
It meant something to Jude but if Connor wasn't concerned, should Jude really be? Probably not but Jude couldn't help himself. He was going to worry about Connor as long as there was something to worry about and Connor had given something to worry about.
"What kinds of things is it doing?" Jude asked.
"Makes me dizzy. It's starting to mess with my sleep. My doctor had to put me on it because I started getting nosebleeds," Connor said, finally looking at him. "I know you were still thinking about it."
"Maybe," Jude said. He had to try and work on closing himself. He either had to do that or open himself completely. Walking the tightrope was too hard and Jude knew that he couldn't be open. "I never noticed nosebleeds."
"Because you're lucky," Connor said. "It's gross."
"Does it mean anything?"
"Nah. It's fine."
Jude nodded and decided to believe him. If he couldn't trust Connor by now, he might have to consider that he had bigger problems than he wanted to admit to.
"I went Christmas shopping yesterday," Jude said, feeling like it was his turn to fill the silence.
"Yeah? I still have to do that."
"Yeah. I found you something I really think you'll like."
Jude side-eyed the bookshelf as he said it, reassuring himself that there was no book that matched the binding of the ones he had picked up yesterday.
"You didn't have to get me anything."
"Yes, I did," Jude said firmly.
Connor tapped at his arm. "What do you want?"
"You didn't give me any hints. I'm not giving you any."
"You didn't ask for any," Connor pointed out, and then he frowned. "Does that mean you know me better than I know you?"
"I don't think so," Jude said, but he thought that Connor was probably right. What he didn't know about Connor likely paled in comparison to what Connor didn't know about him. "Maybe it means that I'm better at giving gifts."
"We'll find out," Connor said with a laugh. "I'm going to impress you, though, wait and see."
Jude thought that he was constantly impressed by Connor but it was because he was so easily impressed. The way Connor smiled, the way he laughed, how kind he was to him, how comforting he could be. Jude shook his head.
"I will!" Connor insisted, mistaking his action. "You wait and see."
"Okay, I'll wait and see. Want to go downstairs and watch a movie or something?"
"I'm supposed to stay in bed. Dad's been coming home every couple of hours to check on me and stuff. It's why he was glad you were able to come over."
"Being bed-ridden sounds serious!" Jude exclaimed, unable to stop himself.
"I'm not bed-ridden! I can get up my doctor just recommended I don't do stairs and since our bathroom is up here, I'm a little stuck. Jude, it's not … don't worry, okay?"
Jude sucked his check between his teeth and bit down, considering for a moment. Then, he let go of his skin and sighed. "You're telling the truth, right?"
"Why would I lie to you?"
"I don't know," Jude admitted. "Okay, well, do you need anything from downstairs?"
Connor shook his head.
"Want me to read to you?"
"Okay," Connor said. "Thanks, Jude."
Jude shimmied off the bed and bent down over the bag, trying to keep the plastic bag from rustling as he dug out his copy of the book. He put all of his tools next to Connor and then he climbed back up the bed, resting his back against the pillows and finding their spot. Connor's head rested on his shoulder and he pulled Jellybean onto his stomach.
Jellybean stretched her head out and rubbed her face against the side of the book. She bit down on the back cover and Connor pulled her head away.
"You like this book," Connor said.
"How many times has she heard this story?" Jude asked.
"Too many. Not as many as me but too many."
Jude rubbed his thumb across Jellybean's bite marks.
"Really, Jude, are you okay?" Connor asked.
"Yeah. Maybe it's just been kind of a weird … day."
Weird week, even though the last time he'd seen Connor just felt normal. Jude knew that he was the one that was off but he really doubted that Connor wasn't thinking about it. Connor was just better at putting it away or maybe the kiss hadn't meant anything or maybe Jude should just stop thinking about it before he drove himself insane.
"Do you need to talk about it?"
But how could Jude stop thinking about Connor when Connor was like that?
"Nah. Let's just … be normal."
"Okay, sure. I'm here if you need me."
Jude knew that and he loved it. There was someone else that he could count on. Someone who had never hit him and never lied to him and he hated that he had put Callie in that perspective now but he felt like he should be aware of it to. His thoughts tumbled and rolled and he knew he had to say something.
"Thanks, Connor."
He ran his finger down the page, finding out where they had left off. Jellybean's purr filled the air and it was such a big, rattling sound that Jude felt like he had to be extra loud. Connor's head rested on his shoulder and Jude bit his tongue. He pulled a face and he forced the words out of his mouth.
He was going to finish this chapter.
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Love Won't Sleep by Lostboycrow; and Pluto by Sleeping At Last.
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~TLL~