Connor perked up as Jude walked into the hospital room. He hadn't been entirely sure that Jude would come back today. He fully believed that Jude would come back eventually but he had doubts that it would be today. He was glad that Jude was here; grateful for both his presence on its own and the fact that be broke up the monotony of the schedule that he was stuck in. Jude put his bag down and stood by the end of Connor's bed.
"Okay, I have a question."
"Anything," Connor promised. It was the least that he could offer Jude.
"What's with the hat?"
It wasn't exactly the question that Connor had been expecting to hear but at least it was an easy one to answer. "Between the chemo and the radiation, all my hair fell out. My head gets cold."
Jude's lips twisted. It was almost a smile but not quite.
"Let's see."
"What? No. No way."
Bald heads were ugly. They were never smooth, never perfect, and he'd had long, shaggy hair that had been perfect – and obsessively grown out since the last time chemo had taken it from him. He didn't want Jude to ever picture him as bald and he didn't want to rub physical proof of his illness in Jude's face, either. Well, any more than the literal hospital room was already doing. He shifted over in the small bed so that Jude would have room to sit next to him.
"Why do you care?"
"Just curious," Jude said defensively, crossing one leg underneath of him as he sat. "Aren't I allowed to be curious? Or are you keeping more secrets?"
"No. I'll tell you anything that you want to know, now," Connor promised.
"You should have told me before. I don't think your reasons were good enough."
"I know. I felt like I needed it which isn't fair to you because you're my best friend and you deserved more than that. I should have told you instead of telling you I had a blood disorder."
"Yeah. Well, I'm not going to make you feel better about it."
No, not that Jude should, either.
"What did you do today?" Connor asked.
"Not much. Callie …" Jude closed his eyes. "Anyway, she had the flu over Christmas and she was finally feeling better last night so we had our Christmas dinner and I got leftovers this morning. Kind of a highlight, I guess. She's working today but she's been working close to home so I'm happy about that. Things are better when she's around. What's life like here?"
"Um, I have to do dialysis three times a week and I'm still doing cancer treatments right now. So, things are stressful. I constantly feel sick. Also, dialysis is boring. And gross. They use a machine to take out all your blood and put it back in."
"What, at once?" Jude asked, pulling a face and Connor actually chuckled.
"No. It's like a tube, so they take it out in one place and put it back in the other, so that it's like another vein or something."
"Oh," Jude said but Connor still wasn't sure if he explained it right or if Jude really understood. "How do they know they got it all?"
"I don't know. I guess that's why it takes so long." Jude opened his mouth so Connor quickly said, "About three hours. Like I said, it's boring. I just have to sit there."
"What? You can't even read? Watch TV? They make you watch?"
"I mean, I can. But I feel so stuck and it does hurt. I don't like it." Connor reached onto the nightstand beside him. "I had Dad bring me Mom's copy of To Kill A Mockingbird."
"Why? Going through withdrawals now that class is over?" he snorted as he said it and, to Connor, he sounded much more like the Jude that he knew.
"Yeah, something like that. Plus, I don't have it memorized yet."
"Well, unfortunately for you, I'm not in the mood to read." Instead, he placed his cards and card book on the tray that drew over Connor's bed. "Why don't you pick the game?"
Connor pushed the book back at him. "You're just saying that because you haven't read the directions yet."
"I read some. To be fair, we didn't have the whole two and half weeks apart. If we did, I would have finished them."
"All right," Connor mused. "I believe you."
"Why wouldn't you?" Jude asked, and though Connor stared at him, Jude didn't look back at him. "I've never lied."
"No, I know," Connor said. "I guess I rationalized it too with knowing that you were keeping secrets. I thought you'd understand."
"I'm keeping secrets to protect my life! To protect someone I care about – the one person I have and the one person I love! You kept secrets to make yourself feel better! It's not the same thing!" Jude's head flew up, his dark eyes a storm. "You don't get that excuse."
"Okay. I understand."
"I still don't," Jude said, dealing the cards. "But I don't know what else to say."
"Okay." Connor put his hand over his pile of cards.
"I'll come up with something eventually," Jude warned.
"That's what I'm counting on." Connor said and he picked up his cards. "Come on, Jude, pick something."
"Oh! Right!" Hurriedly, Jude flipped the pages. "I'll pick a good one, I promise."
"I believe you," Connor said again, and then they settled down to play.
(-.-)
Connor was asleep on Jude's shoulder. The pain medication that was delivered to him early afternoon made him groggy and tired and, after explaining that in a semi-slurred voice, he had passed out on Jude's shoulder. It had made him a little nervous, so the next time that a nurse came in, he asked her how long Connor was usually out for. The answer was not long but, apparently, not long had a flexible range and Jude really had no idea when Connor would wake back up. He held his novel up against his knees and tried to make his way through the pages, mouthing the words as he went. He had managed to get to chapter ten, so he knew that he was starting to read faster – if only by the tiniest bit. Connor would probably want to start chapter eleven when he woke up but Jude still didn't feel like he knew chapter ten well enough and now was the time to catch up. He shifted one of the sticky notes out of the way and glanced up as footsteps entered the room.
Adam.
Upon seeing his best friend's father, Jude bent the corner of his page and tried to think of something to say. Unfortunately, he just came up empty.
"Oh, hello, Jude."
Luckily, Adam didn't have the same problem.
"Have you been here long?"
"Um, since about noon, I think. Connor fell asleep and I'm kind of trapped."
Adam took the chair next to Connor's hospital bed and Jude tried to avoid thinking of how much time he'd been sitting there already.
"I can help move him, if you want."
"No, it's all right. I'm probably going to stick around for longer anyway."
Adam nodded, pulling a sub out of his briefcase. "It's just my lunch break from work. Do you want half? I always get the big one. I don't know why. I never eat it."
"Oh." Jude felt bad that he nodded. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. I know how easy it is to just get stuck sitting here, waiting for something to happen, whatever something is."
Jude nodded. "Yeah, I think I'm starting to realize that. I mean, we've been playing cards and I've been reading to him but it's not the same as hanging out."
Adam nodded.
"Even though it's not that different than what we normally do," Jude added, not wanting Adam to think that he and Connor were ever getting up to anything – like going to parties and drinking and kissing in hallway full of mistletoe.
"Connor's a good kid," Adam said. "I'm bringing his gaming system and some games over when I come after work tonight so there will be other things to do."
"I'm sure he'll appreciate that," Jude said, hoping that Connor woke up and interrupted the awkward conversation that he and Adam were having. He knew that he wasn't going to get his wish, though. Connor had barely moved.
"I know he gets lonely." Adam put napkins next to Jude and took a bite of his sandwich, finally, and, so, Jude felt like he had permission to take a bite of his half. "He doesn't make friends, easily."
"Me either."
"I'm glad you two found each other," Adam said and the way that Adam looked at him, Jude knew that he was about to get a bout of honesty and he felt goosebumps raise n his arms. "When he was diagnosed, he spent a long time lonely and a lot of time talking to the cat."
Jude cracked a grin. "If it helps – it might not – he talks to the cat even when I'm around."
"She's just not good at talking back. I was so glad when he told me that he met you and I was glad that he had someone to confide in."
Jude quickly took a bite of his sandwich so that his mouth was full. He hoped that chewing was enough to completely hide his expression. Connor hadn't trusted him. Connor hadn't cared enough about him to tell him the truth. And it was an even bigger slap in the face because Connor knew Callie's name. After only knowing each other for a few months, Connor knew the one thing that Jude had always sworn he would take to his grave. He'd even said that to himself after meeting Connor and now, Connor had all the pieces to him and he was now realizing that there was a lot of Connor that he was missing.
"He's been happier since you've been around. I've noticed that, especially since the treatments have gotten harder on him." Adam shook his head. "He wasn't happy about losing his hair again. He was so happy he managed to grow it out to the length that he did."
"He won't even let me see it," Jude said.
"I haven't seen it, either, really. He had me bring him his hat and that was it."
That, at least, made Jude feel a little better. It wasn't just something that Connor was hiding from him. Jude hadn't been singled out this time.
"I'm curious," Jude confessed, feeling like he shouldn't. What kind of person did it make him to be curious about a cancer patient's head? And then admit that to the cancer patient's father? It probably didn't make him a good one.
"He tried a wig, the first time. He hated it." Adam shook his head at himself. "I think it's still in the back of his closet. It would probably still fit him if he wanted it. He really hasn't grown much."
Adam finished off his sub and took Connor's hand and Connor still didn't stir.
"Do you think he'll wake up soon?" Jude asked.
"Maybe. It's hard seeing him like this too. It's not like sleep. The meds really knock him out. Dr. Meyer is trying to find the best combination for him that won't do this to him but, for now, this is what we have to stop the pain."
Jude picked the tomato out of the side of his sub and ate that on its own. Thinking of Connor in pain had taken his appetite away, though he knew that he should eat. He had to eat.
"Do you need anything else, Jude?"
Jude shook his head. "No, thanks."
"Are your parents okay with you spending so much time here?"
Parents. He was supposed to have parents. "Yeah. Well, they understand. He's important to me."
Adam balled the wrapper of his sub up and easily got it into the wastebasket. "Okay. I have to drive back to work. Can you ask Connor to text me and check in when he wakes up?"
"I will."
"I just want him to know that I was here."
"He'll know," Jude promised.
"Oh, he's going to want water when he wakes up. It's okay to give him that."
"Thanks," Jude said, and then Adam was gone.
Jude finished his sub, bit by tiny bit, reading the book as he went. He wiped his fingers on the napkin often to make sure that he wasn't getting anything on the pages. Even though Connor had gifted him the book, he still wanted to keep it in good condition. He didn't count bending the pages. He had seen previous ones bent and he knew that Connor did it too. He liked the feeling of bending the same pages that Connor had, wondering what Connor had been feeling at the time he was reading his exact copy. He wondered if that was along the lines of what Connor felt when he was picking up the different copies of To Kill A Mockingbird. He wanted to feel what Connor felt.
He was nearing the middle of the chapter when Connor started to stir.
"Morning," Jude said.
"No, no way it's morning," Connor slurred. "Jude, I'm thirsty."
"Okay, I'll get you water. You have to get off me, though."
Connor made a sound of annoyance and pushed himself off Jude, collapsing back into his pillows. Jude hurriedly grabbed the cup sitting on Connor's tray and went to grab water. When he returned, Connor was sitting up in his bed, rubbing at his eyes.
"Thanks."
"Your dad wants you to text him."
"He was here?"
"Yeah."
Connor sipped at his water. "He shouldn't. It takes him a while to get here from his office. He barely gets to spend any time here."
"I noticed that."
"And I always conk out about the same time each day so there's really no point." Connor finished the glass. "You know, it does make me happy that he comes, though. It makes me happy you're here too."
Jude picked at the blanket, trying to think of a way to talk to Connor without giving away his true feelings. How should he word things? What was normal for a boy to say? "Um, I had a realization … about you lying to me."
"Which was?"
"It made me feel like I really don't matter to you. Like, at all. When I've told you the truth about a lot. When you … matter t-to me. A lot," Jude whispered. "It hurts."
"I'm sorry."
Connor sounded genuine and that did help Jude feel better, though, admittedly, not a lot.
"You're my best friend. You matter to me a lot. A lot. I didn't lie to you because you didn't matter. I lied to you because you mattered too much and I was scared that me saying 'hey, by the way, I've got cancer and I might croak soon and I hope that's not a big deal' was going to be a big deal and you wouldn't talk to me again. I was too scared to risk it and I was also selfish because I didn't tell you, even when I learnt that you wouldn't just stop talking to me like that." Connor curled his knees up to his chest and Jude felt bad for making him talk so much, especially when his eyes weren't totally clear from his nap. "I just didn't want you to stop being my friend."
"You're stuck with me," Jude said, and Connor broke into a smile. "You are."
"Good." Connor curled back over, resting his head against the pillow. "Are you staying?"
"Yeah. What else am I going to do? Go bother all my other friends?"
"I thought your … guardian was mad about us being friends."
"Less mad now," Jude said, swallowing the lump in his throat as he joked, "Your sob story works wonders."
"Ha, that's true. Hey, grab the remote. Let's find something to watch."
Jude picked it up, starting to channel flip. Like they did at regular intervals, a nurse came in to check on Connor's stats and look at his bed sheets.
"Have you thought about taking a walk today?" the nurse asked, catching Jude off-guard. For some reason, he had just assumed that Connor was confined to his bed. He'd watched him get up and walk to the bathroom but never go further than that.
"I did," Connor said, and it sounded like a weak protest, even to Jude's ears. "This morning. When my dad came before work."
"You're allowed out of here."
"I know."
"It'll be good for you."
"I know," Connor mumbled again, sounding more ashamed every time he did so.
"We can't make you," the nurse said, "but we'll do everything but."
"I know. I will … just not today."
She made a disproving sound before she left and, once she was gone, Jude wondered if he should say something, before deciding that there was no point to saying nothing.
"Why do you stay in here if you don't have to?" Jude asked.
"You're going to laugh at me."
"Maybe," Jude admitted, changing the channel. "But, at some point, I think that's what friends are for."
"I don't want to see other sick kids. Kids that are healthier than me make me jealous and kids that are worse than me drive me insane because I know I'm going to end up like that and I don't want to have to look at it." Connor hid his face against Jude's arm. "I just don't want to die."
"Maybe you won't,' Jude said, swallowing the lump in his throat.
Connor hugged him and Jude could tell that he was being humoured when Connor softly said, "Maybe I won't."
Jude knew he was just lying to himself but there had to be a small chance that Connor was wrong. There had to be something that could save him. There had to be some way for him to live. Jude just hoped that someone found it out before it was too late.
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: I Do Adore by Mindy Gledhill and Out Of The Blue by Vertical Horizon.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~