As instructed, Jude showed up late to the hospital. Connor had dialysis that morning and he had all but forbidden Jude to see him going through it. Jude too the now-familiar route to Connor's room, passing nurses and doctors that he was starting to recognize by face. Being in the hospital made him feel caged and claustrophobic, and he wasn't even a patient! It was hard to imagine what Connor felt, having to stay here all the time. He peeked his head around Connor's door, to make sure that Connor was there. He saw Connor's grey hat peeked up above the pulled-high blankets and so he walked in carefully, afraid that Connor was asleep. The corner of the blankets peeled down as his footsteps echoed around the room and Connor blinked at him.

"You've been warned, I'm sick."

"That's why you're in the hospital."

Connor couldn't even really smile, just pulled the blanket back up around his face. Jude curled up in the chair that Adam usually sat in, not wanting to disturb Connor.

"Is this new?"

"Because of the dialysis. Makes me nauseous and tired for an hour or maybe two, after. Then it goes away." Connor groaned and Jude watched his fingers curl in the edge of the pillow.

"Want me to hang around?"

"Yeah, but I get if you don't want to."

Jude picked up the TV remote, turning it on and channel flipping. He propped his feet up on the end of the bed.

"Anything you feel like watching?"

"No."

"Can I help?"

"No."

Jude settled on a show, though it was hard to concentrate on it. Usually, he and Connor had a running commentary on whatever they were watching and the fact that Connor wasn't participating in that was more distracting than his voice had ever been. Jude had barely been there for ten minutes when Connor made a desperate grab for the basin on the stand next to him, turning his back on Jude to throw up noisily. Not knowing what else to do, Jude pressed the button for the nurse. He wanted to lay a hand on Connor's back, but he knew from his experience being the sick person, that he hated when Callie put her hands on him when he was being sick. The nurse shuffled in, a new basin in her hands.

"Well, not as good as last time," she said. "How's your pain?"

"Four," Connor said. "Just dizzy."

"Okay." She put a new bin on the table next to him, taking the dirty one into her hands. "I think we need to adjust your fluids. You'll feel better soon."

Connor nodded at her and she left. As soon as she was gone, Connor muttered, "Liar."

"What?" Jude asked, thinking that he had definitely seen that particular nurse before and she seemed nice enough. "You don't like her?"

"I like her but she's always says stuff like 'you'll feel better soon' and being too bright. I like the nurses that know that it's all downhill from here and don't try to hide behind optimism."

"What? They tell you 'good luck, kick the bucket soon'?" Jude said, thinking that it was probably the worst thing to say to someone in Connor's position.

"No, not like that. I mean, nurses do most of the motivating and most of the cheerleading. That's their job. They have to keep patients like me optimistic and I get it. But nurses like her feel too over the top." Connor pressed his face into the pillow. "Why aren't you sitting with me?"

"Because I don't want you to throw up on me," Jude said. He had a limited amount of clothing, after all.

"What if I promise not to?" Connor asked, his eyes probing at Jude. "I didn't last time I promised not to."

"I have reason to believe you didn't actually have the flu and weren't actually going to throw up," Jude said, but he had already given in and was nudging Connor slightly over to give him room on the hospital bed.

Connor flopped across him, hugging him close. Jude felt like Connor was actually just treating him like a full-body pillow but he loved the closeness so much that he couldn't even sarcastically point it out, for fear that it would stop.

"I didn't," Connor admitted. "It was chemo."

"Because there are two things wrong with you."

"Mhm. There's the cancer and the kidney stuff and the chemo treats the cancer and causes the kidney stuff."

"Your treatments made you sicker?"

Connor's hand clenched in the side of Jude's shirt. "I'm unlucky."

"Should I bother you about it later?"

"No, I'll tell you. I mean, it's a lot of medical and Dad could use the real terms but I just got tired of learning all of it." Connor closed his eyes and looked like he was going green. Jude almost pulled away from him to grab the clean basin the nurse had left but Connor took a few deep breaths and seemed to steady himself. "So, um, you do chemo treatments in cycles, okay? You go through treatments for a certain amount of weeks and then you take a break and the doctors see if it works and then decide if they want to do chemo again or try something else."

"Okay," Jude said, just staring at Connor's hat.

"And some of the chemo and other treatments can cause kidney damage but not all kidney damage is permanent or ends in kidney failure. I'm just unlucky."

"So, are you still getting cancer treatments?" Jude asked.

"Yeah. They've been changing the drugs but they're not willing to give up on the treatments, just in case. I'm close to the end of the cycle."

Jude bit down on his lip and then he asked the question that he was almost afraid to hear the answer to. "So, is there no hope for any of it?"

"The worst part is that they think I could've beaten the cancer." Connor tilted his head back and Jude just stared down at his eyes. "Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Apparently, it's one of the easier ones to beat."

Jude couldn't help himself and he grabbed onto Connor's hand.

"So, if they could fix my kidneys, they still think I could win. But, I'd need a new kidney for that and that's not going to happen. I don't even want it to happen."

"Why!?" Jude exclaimed, dropping Connor's hands, nearly pushing him away. "Why wouldn't you want that to happen!?"

"Because someone else would have to die. Live donors don't really exist and, so, to get a matching kidney, someone else would have to die. I don't want to hope for that."

Connor looked terrified as he said it.

"But you don't want to die?"

Connor shook his head and then he hid his face away. "Nothing makes sense, Jude."

Jude understood that more than anything else that Connor said today. He wrapped his arm around Connor's shoulders, his heart thudding dully in his chest as they lay close. They made it through the movie and, by the end of it, Connor was definitely looking better and he hadn't gotten sick again, which Jude counted as a good sign. Connor itched under the side of his hat and looked over at Jude.

"What now?"

"We only have so many options."

Connor shrugged, looking embarrassed. "You don't have to stay."

"Shut up," Jude said. "I'm not being forced to stay here and you know I'm not."

"Okay." Connor grinned and Jude's hurt thudded and twisted. As sick as he looked, he was still able to make Jude's heart skip. "So, what are we doing?"

"Um, do you want to play Hangman or something or would you rather me read to you?"

"We can play a few rounds," Connor said. "But, I want to make sure I hear you finish the book."

"You will," Jude said, probably a little too stubbornly.

"And soon," Connor added. "We're getting close to the part that I don't have memorized and I want to get that down."

"What? There's a part of this book that you don't have memorized?" Jude asked, pretending to be overly scandalized by it.

It did make Connor smile. "Yeah. It's a long book to memorize."

"Okay, well, let me know when we get to the part you don't know," Jude said. He spread his notebook across his lap. "Do you want to go first or do you want me to?"

"You can," Connor said. "This is supposed to be about you learning."

"No need to rub it in that you know it all," Jude said, drawing out four short lines. He didn't want to have to scrounge through the novel for a word and so he picked duck because he knew he knew how to spell that.

"I don't know everything." Connor cozied up closer, his head on Jude's shoulder. "I don't know what that word is."

"Well, take a guess."

"Okay, guessing … A!"

Jude happily drew a head, thriving off the fact that Connor, at least for the moment, seemed better.

(-.-)

"You smell like hospital."

"I know."

Jude curled up on his and Callie's ratty couch, pulling his knees up to his chest and then hiding his face down against his knees. The couch squeaked as she took the spot next to him and wrapped her arm around his shoulders. Jude took a deep breath and leant into her arm. As much as he just wanted to be next Connor, spending so much time in a hospital was draining. He couldn't imagine how much worse it was for Connor. It was one of the very few times that Jude felt honestly relieved to be back in the attic apartment.

"You don't have to go every day, you know."

"Yeah, but think about how I'm going to feel about that missed day later." Later, when Connor was dead and there was no more reading and no more games and no more conversations and no more head on his shoulder. Goosebumps prickled on Jude's skin at the very thought of it.

"You're a good friend, Jude."

"He's a better friend." Jude tapped his fingers against his shin. "He doesn't deserve it. There's terrible people that deserve it and he doesn't deserve it, Callie!"

"No, of course," she cooed, and Jude could tell that she was partly just placating him. For once, it didn't bother him. She didn't know Connor, despite all of her well-intentioned prejudices against him, and the best that she could do was just agree with what he was telling her. "I know he doesn't deserve it."

"I hate the feeling of helplessness. There's nothing that I can do but sit there. I can't cure him. I can't help him at all!"

"I'm sure just being there helps him," Callie said.

"He says that," Jude admitted. "You know what the worst part is?"

"What?"

"His dad. His dad comes in every day after work and we all just sit there and I hate looking at his dad. Especially when Connor's not looking because then the look on his face just hurts."

"I know how hard it is to see someone you love being hurt."

Jude leant his head against the back of the couch and looked at her. "Well, you never knew I was going to die."

"I never knew it but there were lots of times that I believed it. Especially the last home and, then, when you got hurt right after we left. Both times I thought that there was no way out this time. I couldn't take you to a hospital. I couldn't do anything."

"You put me back together, mostly." Jude's ribs hurt as he thought about them. "It could have been worse."

"Could have been better too."

"Do you think that we ever would have found a family if we'd stayed in the system?" Jude murmured, thinking of Adam, thinking of what it would be like if he had parents that loved him and cared for him as he grew up, instead of the steady eye of his sister, who should have been a child too.

"No," Callie said definitively. "Kids our age? Siblings that wanted to stay together? No one out there would have wanted both of us, Jude."

Her head rested on his shoulder, higher up than Connor's usually did.

"Well, I am glad that there's both of us."

Whatever else happened, he'd always have Callie.

"You'll never be without me," she promised, as she always had. As, Jude presumed, she always would. "And, speaking of watching out for you …"

"Uh oh."

"New Years Eve, I want you in this house by no later than three. Don't even think about leaving."

"Is Nic throwing a party?"

"There's going to be people in and out of here all night and I don't want a single one of them to know that you exist."

It was the story of his life, wasn't it?

"I'll be in here. I'll be good." He knew that this wasn't just Callie being overprotective, for once. Holidays weren't good around the house, every drug addict and casual user appearing for Nic's services, everyone he employed running in and out to wander the town. Money and drugs and alcohol would be flowing because, not only would Nic be working, he'd be holding a party that would scandalize anyone. Jude wasn't an idiot; he wanted no part of any of that. "Where will you be?"

"I'll be downstairs," Callie said. "Probably in the basement for most of it but, you know, Nic likes me around at parties."

Jude wanted to believe that his sister was just going to be arm-candy for her so-called boss.

"You be safe too."

"I will be. I'll just do a lot better if I know that you're up here."

"You can seal me in yourself," Jude promised.

Callie nodded against his shoulder. "I love you, Jude."

"I love you too."

"I'm going to go catch some sleep. You should come too."

"I need to shower before bed," Jude said. "I smell too much like hospital."

"Make it quick. Knock on wood there's hot water."

Jude nodded and then he headed for the bathroom.

(-.-)

Connor wasn't entirely happy with him; Jude could tell.

"What time do you have to leave?"

"Before two-thirty," Jude said. "I need to be sealed in the attic before three."

Connor sighed and turned his face into Jude's shoulder. "Okay. Fine. When is she letting you out tomorrow morning?"

"Whenever. Why?"

"Come back early in the morning?" Connor asked. "There's something we can do tomorrow."

"Which is?"

"I'm not going to spoil the surprise," Connor said. "Unless you don't want to be here tomorrow."

"Stop it," Jude said. "If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be."

"Sorry," Connor said, peering up at him. "I feel bad that I'm keeping you stuck here when you don't have to be. A hospital isn't a great place to be."

"Yeah, well, if you're here, I'm here, and I'm not going to say it again," Jude said, perhaps a little too harshly, but he hated reminding Connor of it, because he always felt like he was on the verge of giving too much away.

"Are you mad at me?"

"No," Jude said. "You were the one that said we don't fight."

"You got mad at me first," Connor claimed.

"Yeah, 'cause you're a liar and I'm never going to forgive you for that."

"Not even when I'm on my deathbed?"

"See, now I'm mad at you for that." Jude crossed his arms tightly over his chest, dislodging Connor from him, even though he didn't stand up and move away from him. It didn't matter how mad he was at Connor; he wasn't going anywhere. Not while Connor was still here.

"I thought you would be. But I spent so long not saying it that, now, I feel like I can't stop. I can never forget here, Jude."

"Well, I don't forget even when I'm not here so stop saying it!"

Connor's hand tugged at his wrist. "I'm sorry, Jude."

Connor's hand folded down and took Jude's and Jude was powerless to stop him. He screwed his eyes shut, forcing the tears down. It didn't matter that he had cried before; he wasn't going to cry in front of Connor. He would feel bad; Connor would feel bad. He was grateful for the sounds of footsteps approaching the room. Anything to distract from the pain zipping within his heart.

"Hi, Connor! Hi, Jude!"

It was Ms. Adam's. Jude could admit that he was surprised to see her here. At least a little bit. He knew how close she and Connor were. Maybe it shouldn't have been so surprising that she visited Connor. She had given him her phone number. Jude wasn't so blind to school to think that was something that all teachers did for all students.

"Hi, Ms. Adams," Connor trilled, like he was a good schoolboy, while Jude just managed a mumble of, "Hello."

She sat in the chair that Adam usually took, putting her bag down by her feet and shrugged out of her light jacket. "How are you feeling today?"

"Not so bad, on the pain scale," Connor said. "Not feeling so good about the floor party they're doing for New Years."

"Why not? Sounds like fun."

Jude and Connor rolled their eyes at the same time. Jude understood why Connor wanted him to stay later; if he had a guest, perhaps he wouldn't have to go. Jude was torn about that. He knew that he wouldn't be able to stay, no matter what, but he was also sure that getting Connor out of his room would be good for him in the long run. The dilemma was that Jude just wanted what Connor wanted.

"You don't have to be my vice-principal," Connor said. "We're out of school."

"Then you can call me Lena."

"Ha, no," Connor replied.

"Jude will," she said confidently, smiling at him.

"Oh, well …" Jude stammered, caught off-guard by the fact that she was talking to him. "I guess so. Why wouldn't I? You're not my teacher."

"Exactly."

Connor interrupted Jude's awkwardness. "Are you guys doing anything for New Years?"

"Stef –"

"Ms. Adam's wife," Connor interrupted to Jude. "Well, she's Mrs. Adams-Foster but I couldn't get used to the switch."

Lena was just smiling brightly at the two of them and her optimism was starting to dig under Jude's pessimistic skin. He didn't really understand why Connor wasn't grumbling about her over the top happiness when he did nothing but narrow his eyes at peppy nurses who, as far as Jude could tell, were just completely well-intentioned. They were nurses. What else were they going to do?

"Right. Stef, my wife."

And there was also that. If only Callie could see him now. She'd probably think he was catching gayness by being in the room with the two of them.

"She and I are just going to spend the night in. Brandon's at school –"

"Their oldest son," Connor interrupted again.

"He went back yesterday, even though break isn't over yet. He had some responsibilities on campus. And Mariana and Jesus –"

Connor opened his mouth but Jude beat him to it this time. "I remember them."

"Right. They have their own parties to get to. It'll be nice to have a night to ourselves." Lena laughed. "We say that but I don't think we'll cope that well with being empty-nesters."

"No more foster kids?" Connor asked.

"We'll never close our home," Lena said seriously. "Not when there might be kids that need us but, for now, it's just the two of us and the twins."

Foster kids? They were foster parents? Jude tried to hide the interest on his face. As far as Lena was concerned, he was just another normal, stable kid. As far as Connor was concerned, there was no part of Jude that was owned by the system. For a moment, Jude stared at Lena's kind face and erratic curls and let himself wonder what it might have been like if he and Callie had found her and her wife. Then, the moment ended and Jude cut it off. His life was his life. There was no going back and there was no changing it.

He hadn't realized that his grip on Connor's hand had become tight until Connor squeezed him gently. Jude let go but Connor didn't let him away completely. His snuck his fingers around Jude's and Jude didn't have the heart to yank his hand away. He nestled their joined hands between their bodies so that no one could see. No one would know. He would always know. He would feel the warmth of Connor's palm against his own forever.

"Stef's picking up wine and I'm supposed to get takeout," Lena said. "I just thought I hadn't come to see you in a while and I really wanted to know how you were doing."

"Same old, same old. No donor, no hope." Connor shrugged and then he sighed, meeting Jude's eyes for a moment. "Dad says he wants me to try and keep up with homework and stuff when school starts up again. Did he tell you about that?"

"No, but I haven't been checking my work e-mail as rigorously as I probably should have been. What do you think about that?"

"Part of me thinks what's the point? It's true I'll never use it but, on the other hand …" Connor frowned. "I'm not even thinking of it in terms of what if I make it but that I'm going to go so stir crazy I'd almost rather do calc."

Jude had no idea what calc was but the way that Connor spat the word, he knew that it wasn't a good thing.

"Well, I can drop some things off and you can do what you want and what you can."

"Once school actually starts again," Connor said quickly. "I think I do still deserve a real break."

"That's true," Lena said. "I'm sure Jude will be able to help you at some things."

Jude tried not to laugh while Connor said, "Jude always helps."

"Mhm. You've said that before. Are you enjoying you break, Jude?"

Jude completely missed the fact that she asked him a question. Connor had said that? Not just now but before? He felt like he was leaning over an open fire. His body was that warm. He only zoned in when Connor nudged him incessantly and covered Jude's blunder with, "How much can Jude be enjoying break when he's always here with me?"

"What did I just tell you?" Jude asked.

"Sorry. But, to be fair, I didn't say that to you. I said that to Ms. Adams."

Connor's smile was too cute. Jude forgave him for too much, too quickly.

"All right. You can say it … when I can't hear it."

"Fine, deal," Connor said dramatically, like it was a great concession that he was doing so.

"Well, people like being here with you, Connor," Lena said. "And you know you like the company."

"Well, yeah," Connor agreed. "I'd go crazy without Jude coming every day." He leant his head back and looked at Jude. "I mean that. Crazy."

"Can't get worse," Jude snipped, starting to feel cagey. He didn't like the way that Lena was here. She seemed nice. Nicer than Jude expected out of an adult who was a foster parent. That being said, if she knew foster kids, if she knew the system, if she suspected anything about him, he and Callie wouldn't be safe. And, he was also resentful that she was here when he had so little time with Connor today. Jude was aware that it shouldn't be like that at all. Connor should see other people and Jude probably shouldn't be so crazed and possessive about his time with Connor. Just because he was aware of it, though, didn't mean that he knew how to stop his feelings.

"Shut up," Connor said, but he was laughing about it. Jude just paid attention to the expression on his face and not the way that he felt Lena's eyes on him. He didn't want to think that she was paying any special attention to him. He didn't want that confirmed.

"What are you doing for New Years, Jude?"

"Oh, my, uh, parents are hosting a party for their friends. I'm mostly staying out of the way," Jude said, hoping that there were no more questions. He didn't want to lie; he was always worried he'd accidentally give something away or he'd not keep something straight and get caught. He couldn't talk enough to dig himself out of a hole like that. Callie was the one who always did that for him.

"Well, I hope you have a fun night, anyway," Lena said.

"Connor will have more fun at the floor party," Jude said, hoping that the reminder of it would be enough to get Connor and Lena talking about it again.

"There's no way I'm having any fun."

"You might love it," Lena said. "You could meet some people here on the floor and have friends here."

Jude just snorted. He could imagine that it was the type of look that Connor had on his own face.

"Ms. Adams, I have no friends."

"Hey!"

"One friend."

"Well, no one here is going to treat you weird because you're sick. Everyone here is sick, Connor," she said.

"I know," Connor said. "But I don't want to see them now instead of the other way around."

"Isn't that kind of hypocritical?" Lena said.

"Yeah, it is," Jude said before Connor could say anything. "But it's not like you can change his mind about anything."

"Me? You're stubborn!" Connor said. "You're way worse than I am! No one can tell you anything."

"Who's always convincing how to do what?" Jude asked. "Books, hangman, that party –"

"That's just 'cause you never tell me no," Connor said cockily. "Why wouldn't I if I know you're going to let me get away with it?"

"You just don't listen."

"I listen to you," Connor said.

Jude just rolled his eyes and nudged his shoulder into Connor's. Connor was in a good mood and wasn't afraid to push back against him. Jude had the misfortune of glancing at the clock and his stomach sank.

"I have to go," he told Connor.

"No, you're right. I don't listen. I didn't hear that at all."

When Jude tried to slip his hand out of Connor's, Connor didn't let go.

"I'll be back tomorrow, just like I said. Bright and early, just like you said."

Jude squeezed Connor's hand.

"Promise?"

"Pinkie promise," Jude said. They linked their pinkie fingers together and then he managed to slip out of his grasp and out the door.

He wished he could have stayed forever instead of marching toward the mess that his house was sure to be.

If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Let It Out by Tom Rosenthal; and Wait For You by James Lindsay.

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~