It was not how Jude wanted to start his day. He'd woken up to realize that he was alone, not that it was unusual. Callie had probably had some sort of business to take care of down on the first floor. Jude had pushed that from his mind and had gone through the motions of heating up a burger to have for breakfast. He'd tried to eat it without tasting it. He hated the taste of fast food burgers with a passion now but he'd rather eat it than go hungry. He'd been hungry before and he knew that any food option was better than starving. He'd gotten dressed while eating and peeked out the attic window, trying to see if there was anything on the lawn that he should have avoided. Spotting nothing, he'd opened the attic door and found Callie passed out on the steps, right in front of the door, covered in vomit that Jude hoped was hers. Not that it made vomit better to know that he was touching his sister's instead of a stranger's. Jude sighed and hefted Callie into his arms and pulled her back into the apartment, grateful when she stirred slightly, her eyes cracking open.
"Jude!"
The scent of vodka wafted out of her mouth and she even slurred his name.
"Oh, Callie." He shook his head and propped her up against the wall so he could lock the door. "How was last night?"
"Great!"
"You have to shower. You're disgusting."
"Don't talk to me like that!" Callie tried to push herself off the wall and ended up falling completely into Jude.
He pulled a face. He was out of clean shirts now. What was he supposed to wear out? If he could even leave Callie alone today.
"Come on. Let's get you into the tub."
They tripped their way across the apartment and Jude finally got her into the tub. The last thing that he wanted to do was see Callie naked but he knew that he couldn't leave her in her clothes and her hair was gross enough that it just wasn't fair to roll her into bed either. He gritted his teeth together and pulled Callie's short dress off over her head. She was wearing a bra and underwear underneath and Jude wasn't about to take those off her too. This was more than enough. He turned on the water and Callie hissed like a cat, bringing her hands up to cover her face.
"No, Jude, no!"
"We just have to rinse your hair. I'm not going to do more than that. You need to be clean before you get into bed."
"I wanna be in bed."
"Soon," Jude promised. "Can you try and sit up a little bit more?"
Callie did, teetering from side to side within the confines of the tub. Jude rinsed her off as quickly as possible and left her alone while he went to get the big nightgown she wore to bed. He heard a thud that he just knew was Callie falling out of the tub and his shoulders slumped forward. He couldn't remember the last time that she had been so intoxicated around him. He carried the shirt into the bathroom and found her trying to pull herself up by the sink. He got his arms around her and got her into the bedroom, pulling the nightgown over her head and telling her to try and get her wet things off.
"You got so tall, Jude," she complained.
"I can't control that. And I'm not that tall."
"Yet."
Callie's wet bra flung across the bedroom and Jude tried not to roll his eyes. She grabbed onto his hand.
"I love you."
"I know, I love you too."
"But I hate you," she said bitterly.
"Callie, don't, okay, you're drunk, and you don't want to spend time making it up to me later."
He knew what she was going to say. She'd never been drunk enough or upset enough to voice it to him before but he had seen it in her eyes when she looked at him and they talked about the past.
"If it weren't for you, someone might have loved us. I wouldn't have had to protect you. I wouldn't be living this way."
"I'm going to get you some water."
He didn't have to listen to her. He knew that. But it was also so hard to walk away from her. He took a deep breath when he was in their small kitchen and then filled up their largest glass and took it back to the room. She glared up at him with bleary eyes.
"Don't say it," he warned her as he put the glass down on the floor. "Are you going to be okay here alone?"
"I can't look at you."
Well, then.
"Okay, I'll be home later."
"Don't get AIDS from fucking your boyfriend."
"CALLIE!" Jude's voice turned into a scream.
"What? Like you wouldn't rather be sucking dick."
"Callie," Jude whispered and he actually felt his heart fracturing inside of his chest. Was that really what she thought of him? His loving sister. His only protector. The one person he knew he could count on. And she thought the same of him as everyone else. She, on the inside, was the same as the people who had hurt him.
"I've done everything for you."
"I know," Jude murmured. "I love you for that."
He'd love her through anything and he knew that was why he hurt so much. He'd always thought that she loved him through everything too.
"You shouldn't love me at all," Callie said, curling inward on herself.
Jude faltered on the hardwood for a moment and then he went to sit next to Callie on the bed. He knew that she was too drunk to appreciate what he was going to say but he knew that he had to say it anyway. "I'm always going to love you, Callie. I'm always going to appreciate what you've done and do for me. I know you're doing the hard stuff. I know that. But I can't help you. I don't know how and you won't let me. But if I could do anything for you, I would too. Um, but, you can't say stuff like that to me. I didn't force you into this choice."
She sat up, shaky, wobbling, and filled with fire. "WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? LET YOU DIE!?"
She shoved him, hard, and he flopped off the mattress. It was only a small fall but Jude was too surprised to catch himself and he felt his cheekbone collide with the hardwood floor. He sat up and rubbed at his face and stared at Callie.
"Get out! I don't want to see you! GET OUT!"
Jude didn't have to be told twice. He left the bedroom, shutting the door securely behind him. He stripped off his disgusting t-shirt and left it soaking in the kitchen sink. He put his sweater and jacket on, picked up his bag, and left the apartment. He was off the property when tears welled up in his eyes and he rubbed at them. He wasn't going cry. Not over Callie. Not in public. He rubbed at his face until he knew it was going red, hoping that he looked somewhat normal when he got on the bus. He wanted to go straight to the hospital but he knew that he needed a shirt first. He stopped by the thrift store and picked up a long-sleeved grey shirt, popping into the fast food place next store to tear off the tags and put it on. Then, he was on his way to see Connor. He knew he was late and he could just imagine Connor's cranky face, especially having to leave so early yesterday.
Jude knew that he probably shouldn't go. He knew that, if that's what Callie really thought, he should just keep his distance from Connor, but he didn't want to. All he wanted now was the comfort of being next to his best friend. He hoped, selfishly, that Connor was having a good day because he was the one that needed someone else to be strong. He just couldn't do it, not after this morning. He got into his elevator and headed toward Connor's room, his feet dragging on the floor. He didn't have enough strength to even pick up his feet.
When he rounded into Connor's room, he nearly collapsed to the floor. Connor wasn't alone. There was an unknown boy, sitting next to Connor's bed.
"Hey, Connor."
"Shh," the guy said. "You're ruining the best part."
Jude tried not to glare at Connor. Connor just smiled at him and gestured Jude to him. Feeling bitter that his entire day was apparently ruined and no one liked him as much as he thought they did, he stubbornly took the chair next to Connor's bed instead. He glanced at the screen of the TV where two children were sneaking across a castle of some sort. Immediately feeling out of the loop, Jude glanced at the intruder. A boy, their age, maybe a little older, with a bald head and a bright green sweater over his hospital gown, chewing on his fingernail as he stared at the TV. Jude put his head down on his arm, fighting to keep his eyes open. He knew he'd start to spiral. The movie finally cut to a commercial.
"Jude, this is Jake. I met him at the New Years party last night. Jake, this is Jude, my best friend."
Well, at least he still had the monopoly on that. For now.
"Hi." He half-heartedly lifted his hand in a wave.
"Hey! I like your hair!"
Of course, he had to be nicer than Jude too.
"Thanks."
"My hair used to be pink before chemo," Jake said and Jude could hear himself telling Connor how gay pink hair was.
"Jude said he'd dye my hair but we never got around to it. Now it's gone."
"You're going to overheat and die in that hat, by the way," Jake said. "Embrace the baldness."
"Uh-uh, no way. Over my dead body."
"It will be, unless they put a wig on your corpse."
Jude put his head in his hand. No, he definitely didn't like Jake.
"Think it'll itch in the afterlife?" Connor asked.
He was feeling like he didn't like Connor all that much either.
"No such thing as the afterlife. Oh, quiet. It's on again!"
Jude didn't even know what it was. He glanced at the screen and the kids were back, this time, accompanied by a blond adult man. He watched it with mild interest, though he was forcing himself to be interested. He didn't want to look at Connor and he didn't want to look at Jake. All he wanted to do was put his head through a wall and knock himself out until tomorrow. Hopefully, he'd wake up today and find out that today was all some kind of fever dream.
"I love these movies," Jake said. "Honestly. Perfection."
"Movies are good, books are better."
"I've never read the books. I don't want to ruin the movies."
"Book Ron is better," Connor said, like he was dangling a carrot in front of Jake.
Jude just felt lost. Who the hell was Ron?
"I only like boys in real life."
Jude sat up a little straighter, glancing at Jake. Was that what Jude thought it was?
Before anything else could happen, a nurse poked her head in the door.
"There you are, Jake. Come on."
He rolled his eyes as she gripped the back of his wheelchair. "Chemo. I'll see you tomorrow, Connor."
His hand touched Connor's and Jude's stomach rolled. That was definitely what Jude thought it was. He had thought about and categorized every way a teenaged boy could flirt and he knew that was what Jake was doing with Connor. And he wasn't allowed. Except he was. Because he was just Connor's best friend and he was supposed to be straight and everything just hurt because he had nothing. He didn't even have himself. Once Jake was gone, Connor looked at him.
"Why aren't you sitting with me?"
"Didn't think you'd want me to."
"I always want you to. I was worried about you."
"You were?" Jude asked, climbing onto the uncomfortable mattress.
"Yeah. You were late. And you promised me you'd be here. I don't think you'd break a promise so I thought that something might have happened."
"Something did," Jude said.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Jude curled into Connor's shoulder, feeling like he was going to cry. "No."
"Want me to be quiet too?"
"You don't have to."
"So, the reason I wanted you to come early is because this is a marathon of the Harry Potter movies. I told you that you should watch them, remember?"
"You told me to read seven books."
"Eventually. But I wanted to watch the movies with you. I might not even get to hear you get to the end of Mockingbird. But I really want to do that. I need to memorize it."
"We'll get to it," Jude promised, sorry that he'd missed part of something that Connor had been counting on sharing with him. "What did I miss?"
"Oh, watch this part and then I'll explain it next commercial break, okay?"
"Okay."
Jude cuddled down against Connor's shoulder, watching the figures on the screen. The morning crept away into afternoon. Connor's lunch was delivered and, when it was, Connor bullied Jude into taking a ten-dollar bill from his wallet and going down to the cafeteria to get food for himself. Jude wouldn't have done it if Connor hadn't been refusing to eat and he just took it. He wanted something other than the taste of this morning's foul flavour. He was back up in Connor's room without missing much of whatever number movie they were on, though Connor was sure to fill him in.
"Want me to take notes when your meds knock you out?"
"I have a quiz prepared for when I wake up," Connor promised.
"Yeah, I don't doubt that. Finish your lunch."
"Don't tell me what to do."
"I can tell you whatever I want," Jude said. Connor just didn't have to listen.
Connor rolled his eyes but he finished off the last few bites of his sandwich. As always, a nurse came in, rolling Connor's bed tray out of the way so that she could get easier access to the bed.
"Okay, Dr. Meyer has adjusted your medication slightly. It might still make you drowsy and sleepy but hopefully it won't be as bad. We're going to keep a close eye on you to see how you react to this one."
"Okay. Will I be asleep as long?"
"We'll know when you wake up. But, you won't feel as fuzzy when you do wake up, that's for sure."
"I like that part. Okay, let's do it."
While Connor's medicine was administered, Jude pulled the chair and his backpack closer to the bed so that if he wanted anything out of it, he wouldn't have to disturb Connor. Not that he thought that moving around on Connor while he was on his meds would actually wake him up. He settled back into his place and Connor curled up against him, just like Connor always did. At least this was normal. It didn't take away from how his day had started but this was all that he had wanted when he left his house this morning. He knew Connor wanted him to watch the movie but he just watched Connor as he shifted around, his lids half-drifting.
"I wish you were here all the time," Connor murmured, his voice starting to remind Jude of Callie's drunk slurring, though Connor's words were oceans away from hers. "One more sleepover."
"I'm sure there's at least one nurse you can bribe."
"You do it," Connor said. "I'll look sick and sad."
"You look fine, I promise."
"Liar," Connor managed, but he barely got that word out and Jude knew that he was gone for the next little while.
Jude took his notebook out of his bag and sat it up against his knees. He thought about trying to write down something of his day but he didn't see the point in putting it into words. It wasn't going to help. So, he paid attention to the movie, trying to spell out words that he heard them say. He got tripped up sometimes because he was sure that some of them were absolutely made up words and that wasn't fair at all. Also, he didn't think that Hermione was a name and he had eight different variations on how that might go and he was sure none of them were right. He'd get Connor to correct him when he finally woke up.
He looked away from the screen, down at Connor, and then he looked to the chair where Jake had been sitting earlier. He wished Connor hadn't met the guy. The guy who had pink hair once upon a time and was definitely trying to flirt with him because what would Jude do if Connor picked Jake? Where would he be if Connor got a boyfriend now? A boyfriend that wasn't him? Connor had kissed him first! Connor was his! Jude wrapped his arm around his stomach. He felt like Callie was lost to him now. What was he supposed to do without Connor too? A tear leaked down his cheek and Jude scrubbed at his face.
His whole life, he'd always had Callie. He'd never been alone. What would he do if he was alone?
He felt a hand wrap around his wrist and twist up to touch his face.
"Don't cry."
"You're supposed to still be asleep."
"Don't cry, Jude," Connor said. "Talk to me."
"I'm okay."
"I'm the liar, not you," Connor argued, sitting up a little and trying to look more alert. "Jude?"
"It was a really bad morning. I just don't know what's going to happen tonight when I have to go home."
"Don't go home."
"I can't stay here."
"Dad will take you."
"He'll ask questions."
"And life can't change for you," Connor replied. "If you want help, Jude, no matter where I am, you can go to Dad."
"I –"
"He loves you for being here with me. If you need help, you can go there. Even if I'm not here."
"You're not going to die," Jude snapped. "You're not."
"I'm sorry," Connor whispered and he clung to Jude's wrist again. "Talk to me."
Jude's lip quivered. He wanted to tell Connor everything. There were so many secrets he was supposed to keep. Callie was sobering up at home – she might not remember their fight in the morning. It wasn't something that he should burden Connor with, anyway. Connor had enough to carry around. And he didn't want to make Jake look any better by comparison.
"Trust me. I wouldn't tell anyone."
Connor hugged him and then Jude really did break down against him. He hid his head in Connor's shoulder, like Connor did to him when he was in pain. He felt Connor's arms wrap around him and he could feel the weakness in his hold; it was the proof that Connor was slowly slipping away from him and Jude just cried harder. He wanted to tell Connor the truth but he couldn't, because then he would have to either tell Connor that he liked him or Connor would know the truth about him and think that he'd pushed him away at the Christmas party for a different reason. Jude didn't want anyone to know the truth about him. He wanted to still have deniability and he was too scared for Connor to know the truth because it was about more than the word gay. It was about the words I like you and I want to kiss you again and I'm going to die.
"Callie and I had a bad fight. She was drunk and she didn't mean it but –"
Like you wouldn't rather be sucking dick.
"But what if she did?" Jude cried.
"You always said that she loved you. I don't think you were wrong about that. People who love you can say the wrong things thinking it's for the right reasons."
"It's not like with your dad. She was drunk and talking about the past and how we ended up here and apparently, it's my fault. She made all the choices but it's my fault."
"No, it's not," Connor said. "I don't believe it."
"What if things were different?" Jude asked.
"I think that all the time but we didn't do anything to cause the bad things. I wish there was a reason," Connor said. "It would make it easier."
Jude closed his eyes, hearing the thump of Connor's heart under his head. It was more soothing than anything else that he could think of. It was all he could focus on. He only sat up when he heard someone come in. He didn't want anyone at all – even someone who didn't actually know him – to know that he was breaking down. He was supposed to be better than that. He was supposed to be closed off and untouchable. And he had been. He used to be. And he didn't think that he would be better off if he had remained that way.
The nurse was back, asking Connor questions about how he felt. She said that the doctor would be by once Adam visited for the night and then she was gone again.
"Should I go if your doctor is coming?"
"Our movie marathon isn't over yet!"
"I haven't paid attention to anything that's happened in the past – Is that a giant spider?!"
"Aragog."
"Whatever."
"Yes, it's a giant spider," Connor said. "Which means there's only two movies left. I mean, you shouldn't be in the room when Dr. Meyer is here but you should come back."
"Well, I was planning on it," Jude confessed. "Unless you wouldn't rather have someone else here."
"Someone else like who?" Connor asked and he sounded so genuinely confused that it was actually a comfort to Jude. "I've got one friend. And you're the only person I'd want around."
"Jake's not a friend?" He tried not to sound threatened or snobby as he said it but he thought he flunked.
"Oh, well, maybe. I met him at that stupid party last night. They tried but it sucked and we're close in age so we talked. I mentioned I was showing you the Harry Potter movies and he invited himself in. I didn't know how to avoid it and – this is going to sound bad – but he'd already told me he had chemo later so I knew he wouldn't be around all day." Connor shrugged. "I don't really know him. I guess we could be friends but he's kind of pushy. It reminds me of Daria a little bit."
"Oh."
"I mean, I like Daria, but I don't understand her and even before I was sick, we weren't really friends, just friendly, you know?"
"I understand," Jude murmured.
"So, you'll stay for the last two?"
"Yeah."
"Dad's going to show up part way through."
Jude shrugged. "I'm not scared of him anymore."
"He likes you."
"I almost believe that," Jude said. "How was Ms. Adams yesterday?"
"I thought you were allowed to call her Lena," Connor said with a smirk.
"Feels weird to do it with just you here because you don't call her that," Jude said. "But, okay, how was Lena yesterday?"
"It was nice. We talked a lot about school which, I guess, shouldn't surprise me."
"Are you going to miss school?" Jude asked carefully.
"You know, I think I might. But I miss everything outside of the hospital. It's going to be weird to not go back but I really can't. I feel … I feel like even though I knew that this is probably where it would end, it came out of nowhere and my life was just ripped out from under me. I miss my bed and I miss home and I miss my cat. I'm not going to see Jelly again."
"Oh," Jude murmured. He hadn't even thought of the cat. He probably should have. Did that make him a bad friend?
"Was last night okay for you, even if this morning wasn't?"
"Loud around the rest of the house, quiet in my place. I played Solitaire. I wanted to read but I couldn't concentrate."
"Oh, I see." Jude felt Connor's eyes on him. "Well, it's a movie day, but we'll catch up on the reading tomorrow."
"You're obsessed."
"I need to memorize it!"
"All right, calm down. We'll get there," Jude promised.
"Says you."
"Says me," Jude said. "It'll be fine. You'll see."
"I believe you."
That was satisfying to hear. Connor put his head down on the shoulder and then they returned to the movies, Connor explaining a few things that Jude had missed while they were talking. As they watched, Jude promised himself that as soon as he finished To Kill A Mockingbird, he was going to find the first book of this series. If Connor wanted him to read it, he would.
When Adam arrived, so did Dr. Meyer. Adam gave Jude money to go down to the cafeteria to get food for the two of them for dinner and Jude walked off, thinking that he had to repay Connor and his father, someday. Someday, if things were ever different and he had the ability to tell people just what a difference this had made in his life. Adam always got the same soup and sandwich from the cafeteria and Jude had memorized his order already. He got that and a chicken noodle for himself, moving slowly as he carried it back up to the hospital room. He never knew if Connor's doctor would take forty seconds or forty minutes and he knew that he wasn't welcome in the room if she was there. He'd pick up one what she talked about from the way Connor and his father batted the odds back and forth over their food.
When Jude got upstairs, Connor's tall doctor was striding down the hall, her back to him, and Jude knew it was safe to go in. He wedged his and Adam's food onto the nightstand so that he could free his hands in order to sort it out.
"It's Jude's first time seeing them," Connor was saying to Adam. "So, unless it's a commercial break …"
"My lips are sealed," Adam promised. "I do like these movies. What do you think, Jude?"
"I'm liking them," Jude said, though he knew he had zoned out on more than one occasion and probably wasn't watching with the interest that Connor had been hoping for when he'd decided that should watch them.
"Is this all you've done all day?"
"Yeah," Connor said. "To be fair, if I were at home, this would also be what we've done all day."
Connor's dinner was brought in, timed just like the day before, and Adam and Jude started to eat when he did, watching the movie all the while. During the commercial breaks, Adam asked Connor about how the party was and Connor said it was fine, mentioning Jake in passing. Jude listened more intently when Jake's name came up, trying not to look in Connor's direction since he knew that Connor kept looking at him and he didn't want to look too interested.
"It'll be nice for you to connect to more people."
"I know enough people," Connor said stubbornly.
"You're allowed to have more than one friend."
"I know I'm allowed." Connor shook his head. "He's got pancreatic cancer, Dad, which means he's definitely going to kick it before I do and what's the point?"
"We all die someday, Connor, but the point is to enjoy the moments you're in. Unless you're saying Jude and I should write you off because what if you're not here this time next year?"
"It's different," Connor protested.
"You knew you were sick when you and Jude started talking. He knew you were sick. Are you saying that friendship wasn't worth it?"
Jude's heart hurt and he over chewed his noodle. He hadn't known Connor was sick but, admittedly, it wouldn't have changed anything. Right after their first hot chocolate, Jude had been too attached. After that day on the beach, so early on, Jude would never have thought twice about being Connor's friend. Adam was right. This moment, knowing him at all, was worth it, no matter the ending.
"It's different," Connor said again.
"All right, I'll bite. Why's it different?"
"Because you two will be around to remember it. Remember me. He thinks nothing happens after we die and if that's true … what's the point? I won't remember him. He won't remember me."
"The moment's the point," Adam said again. "And Jude and I will die someday and there will be no one left alive that was here for this. Does that mean we shouldn't be here?"
Connor sighed. "I don't know. I'm not saying I'm going to be mean to him but I don't even know if I like him enough to be friends with him! I've talked to him twice."
"All right, all right. That's fair."
"Movie's on."
Jude swirled his spoon around his soup and forced himself to finish it. As soon as he had put the dishes down, Connor gestured Jude back onto the bed with him and Jude climbed up, no longer glancing at Adam to see if he cared. He knew Connor was right in saying that Adam loved Connor enough that he would likely forgive Jude any sin, so long as he was by Connor's side. In this way, Jude sat until the movies were finished. He knew visiting hours were coming to an end and he knew that he had to go home and face Callie, but he'd rather do anything but.
"See you tomorrow?" Connor asked.
"Yeah, of course," Jude said.
"You'll be okay, at home?" Connor whispered.
"I will," Jude said. "You've seen the worst she'll do."
Connor stared at Jude's face, like he could see the long-healed black eye. "I don't like the worst she'll do."
"I'll let you poke me for bruises tomorrow," Jude promised. "See you."
"Bye, Jude."
"Bye, Jude," Adam echoed.
"Goodbye, Adam."
Jude stuck his hands in his pockets and made his way back out to the bus. He didn't have to wait long and he caught a seat in the back, curling his bag into his lap and holding onto it tightly. The bus wasn't all that populated but Jude still couldn't bring himself to trust it sitting on the floor. He rested his head against the window and felt his body get heavy. Today was one of those days that was too long and left him feel exhausted, though he did nothing but sit with Connor like he did most days. When it came time for him to get off the bus, he felt like bricks had been attached to his feet. He dragged himself around to the back of the house, forcing himself to rush up the stairs like he always did. Even on his worst days, he couldn't spend time on the ground floor. It was asking for more trouble than going into the attic was.
He opened the door, holding his breath when he realized that Callie was standing there, dressed and awake.
"Hi," she said.
"Hi." Jude shut and locked the door behind him, staying next to it. "How are you feeling?"
"Hungover. And guilty."
"Do you remember this morning?" Jude didn't know if it would be better or worse if she said 'no'.
"Thank you for taking care of me." Callie looked down at the floor and Jude could tell that she was ashamed. "I shouldn't have yelled at you. It's not your fault. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm not sure I know where that came from."
"I think that's a lie. I think you do know. I think you don't want to admit it but I think that's what you've been thinking this whole time. It's my fault I got beat up because, apparently, even you think I'm gay enough to deserve it. It's my fault we're here because, hey, if I wasn't like that, I wouldn't have gotten beaten up and you wouldn't have had to step in. It's my fault you made the decision to run away and keep us out of the foster system. It's my fault you decided that Nic was the best option. It's my fault that you were only a kid even though I was only eleven and you were the only person I trusted! I love you but do you care about me or am I just some stupid obligation you wish that you had let go of? Because I can go! I can turn myself into CPS and say that we lived on the streets and then you ditched me and I don't know anything about you or where you are and –"
"STOP!" Callie shouted, wincing at her own volume. "No. It's you and me, Jude, I'm not going to let you leave. What if something else happened and I wasn't there to protect you?!"
"Then I'll get killed. Maybe I was supposed to get killed by the first foster father or the second or those two guys from Nic's gang. Maybe I've avoided death for too long."
"Stop it. That's not funny. You're not going to die and someday we're going to have a better life, we are, and it's not your fault." Callie shook her head. "It's just that … You didn't have to try on dresses or play with make-up or –"
"Callie, really!? I was a kid. Kids play with stuff! I bet there's straight guys and gay guys who played with makeup when they were little or wore dresses! It doesn't mean anything until someone else decides that it does and apparently you think I'm out screwing guys and catching diseases in my spare time which is the furthest thing from the truth! I have a friend who's dying and I sit there and I watch him die a little more every day and I can't do anything and you want to turn that into some homophobic mark against me when my best friend is dying. How dare you!?"
Jude knew he had probably stopped making sense about halfway through but he didn't care. It felt so good to scream at her, to give her back some of the pain that he'd been carrying around with him. It felt good to let it out, to release the tension that had been coiling in his stomach since the first time that someone had laid a hand on him.
"Jude!"
"NO!"
He knew he shouldn't. He knew he had nowhere to go. But he opened the attic door and took off down the stairs.
"Jude! Shit!"
Jude barely heard Callie's exclamation as he left her behind. He didn't care if she came after him. He would make sure that she didn't find him. Tonight, at least, he wasn't going to pretend that everything was fine. He skidded across the lawn and ran the opposite way of the Centre, knowing that Callie would probably think that he would take the more familiar route. He slowed into a quick walk after a few blocks, thinking that she wouldn't find him now. Callie would also be on foot and he didn't think that there was a real chance of her finding him now. Now, the only question for Jude was where to go. It wasn't that late – Adam might still be at the hospital. He might have even decided to spend the night there. Jude didn't know.
He'd find a spot. He wouldn't like it tonight but, tomorrow, he'd go back to the attic to try again. He would admit it: he wanted to scare Callie tonight. Now, he needed to find a place to catnap that he'd be undisturbed and that his sister wouldn't think to check. He put his hands in his pockets and turned to a less residential block. Restaurants, shops that were about to close, people milling about. Jude just walked, not thinking about where he was going quite yet. He was on a more deserted street, thinking that this wasn't a good place to spend the night, when a car slowed beside him. Jude took a deep breath and slowly glanced over.
"Jude? Are you on your way home?"
Jude paused on the sidewalk when he realized that it was Ms. Adams – Lena.
"Um," Jude managed, rocking onto his toes. "Away from home."
"Do you want a drive somewhere?" she offered.
"I have nowhere to go," Jude admitted and it felt good to say it.
"Want a drive anyway?"
"Okay."
Jude wasn't sure what he was doing as he slid into the empty passenger seat and buckled up his seatbelt.
"Why do you have nowhere to go?" Lena asked and Jude supposed he should have expected it.
"Um, my dad and I got into an argument. It's not, like, a huge deal or anything but he … suggested that I find somewhere else to spend the night. But with Connor in the hospital, I don't have anywhere else to go." Jude nudged the floor of the car, trying to figure out how to downplay it. If Lena was a foster parent, she might call people. People that Jude didn't want called. "I mean, we fight sometimes. I guess kids and parents do. He's never kicked me out before. Mom said I'd be okay to go back in the morning."
Moms and Dads. The words didn't fit right into Jude's mouth and he hoped he didn't sound too awkward when they came out.
"Jude, sometimes fighting can be more than just a parent and child having a disagreement."
"I know but, honestly, it's not … Not a big deal," Jude said, and he knew how lackluster that sounded.
Lena tapped her slender fingers along the top of the steering wheel. "Well, if you have nowhere to go, we have a place for you."
"I can't. I can't barge into your house like that."
"I know you don't know me and I know you might not think you can trust us but you can call your parents, tell them where you are, let them know you're safe. We have a bed. We won't make you talk to us any more than you want to."
Jude did admit that it sounded nice. And Lena worked in Connor's school. She knew Connor and Adam well. If Connor trusted her, Jude knew that it was more than enough for him.
"If you mean that, I think it would be really nice. But you don't have to."
"I can't leave you out on the street," Lena said. "We're known for taking in strays. But we love our kids."
Lena pulled into the driveway of a nice house, two stories with lights on in the windows. It looked more like a home than anywhere Jude had been before and he followed after her slowly.
"You should fit into some of Jesus's old clothes," Lena said. "He won't mind that you borrow something."
"Thank you."
"Mariana's home but he's staying at a friend's tonight. I think you met them both before, right?"
"Right," Jude said, remembering that first car-ride to the hospital. It still didn't feel real.
Lena opened the front door. "Stef? We have a guest."
A blonde woman with short hair came out toward the doorway, drying her hands on a kitchen towel.
"Hi! I don't think we've met," she said, casting a look at Lena.
"This is Connor's best friend, Jude. He needs a place to stay tonight and I thought Brandon's old room would be just fine."
"Oh, absolutely." She offered her hand. "I'm Stef."
"Jude."
He took his time taking his shoes off as the two women kissed each other. A happy home in an accepting place where they could be married and happy and in love. Jude felt removed from reality and he tried not to stare. Not everyone was filled with hate. Just everyone he'd ever seemed to meet.
"We're kind of behind on dinner," Stef said. "Have you eaten?"
"Oh, at the hospital," Jude said.
"Are you still hungry? We're just making spaghetti and garlic bread. We'll have leftovers."
"Oh, maybe."
"MARIANA! Dinner!"
Jude heard footsteps overhead.
"By the way, Jude," Lena said. "I like your hair."
"Thank you."
It probably needed to be dyed again but he was grateful she'd said something. It did make him feel more comfortable.
"Oh, I know you!" blurted a girl on the stairs.
"Jude's going to be staying here tonight," Lena said.
"Cool. As long as he's quiet."
"Mariana," chastised Stef.
"I meant that in an 'I-have-an-essay-to-write' kind of way," she said. She glanced at Jude. "Sorry."
"I'll be quiet," Jude promised her. He had already intruded enough.
"Do you want to call your parents before we sit down?" Lena asked.
"Oh, sure."
She handed him a phone, told him to come into the dining room when he was done, and then left him alone in the living room. He stared at the buttons and wondered if he remembered Connor's phone number correctly.
"Hello?"
Apparently, he did.
"Hi."
"Jude? Where are you?"
"You're not going to believe it."
"Are you safe?" Connor asked. "Dad's still here. He can go get you."
"Is he listening?"
"No. He's in the bathroom. Where are you?"
"Ms. Adams' house."
"Really?" Connor chuckled.
"Callie and I had a huge fight and I ran away from home and she found me on the side of the street, so, I guess I'm staying here tonight."
"Are you okay?" Connor asked.
"I feel shaky but I'll be okay. I'll see you tomorrow morning."
"Promise?"
"Yeah. Unless you think they're going to sacrifice me in the middle of the night."
"Mariana can be kind of weird. But I think she's too nice to sacrifice you."
"Thanks for the heads-up," Jude mused. "Um, I should go."
"Call me back if you need to," Connor said. "I'll answer."
"I know," Jude said. "I think I'm supposed to be eating spaghetti now, like it's not weird."
"Pretend like it's not. They might keep you."
Jude snorted. No one would ever want him and, no matter what, he would never be able to keep someone who wouldn't keep Callie. And he knew no one would want them. "See you tomorrow."
"Bye."
"Bye."
Jude hung up the phone and he strode into the dining room, taking a seat next to Mariana and eating a small sample of food that Stef put on his plate. They talked to Mariana about her essay and it seemed to be because of a warning Lena had issued that they didn't really question him about anything. When dinner was finished, Mariana went back upstairs to finish her essay and Jude ended up washing dishes with Lena in the kitchen.
"Is there anything you want to get off your chest?"
"No. Thank you for dinner."
"Thanks for helping with dishes."
It was awkward. He didn't like being here. He felt caged in and he was wondering if he should make an excuse and escape. It was the thought of a bed to sleep in that was keeping him standing here. He knew that this house and these people were far better than any of his other options.
"Stef and I might watch a movie. Are you interested in that?"
"Oh, sure," Jude lied. He didn't care, not really. But he knew that, once the movie was finished, it would be an acceptable time to excuse himself to bed and be on his own. Not that he really wanted to be alone. Not that he wanted to intrude on their night more than he already had. Jude wasn't sure of what he wanted. "Connor and I spent today watching the Harry Potter movies. He really likes them."
Connor was a safe topic.
"What did you think?"
"That I should read the books," Jude said. "But I don't like reading so …"
"Well, if you think you should read them, you might surprise yourself."
"I don't know if that's ever happened."
"First time for everything!" she said brightly. "Come on, let's see what we're all in the mood to watch."
Jude obediently followed her into the living room, taking a spot in a chair while Stef and Lena sat on the couch.
"What are you in the mood to watch?" Stef asked Jude.
"Oh, anything," he said. He was going to sit here and overly focus on the movie so that he didn't have to think about the past twelve hours.
"Well, here, family road trip movie," Stef said. "Could be funny."
"We should take road trip," Lena mused.
"Mariana and Jesus in an RV? No way," Stef replied. "Jude, do you think you'd like this movie?"
"Sure."
He didn't care. And it was hard to read off the TV and he wasn't going to ask Stef to describe the movie to him when the synopsis was right there. Stef did pick that movie and Jude put his head down on the arm of the chair, watching the actors parade across the screen. Stef and Lena laughed off and on, though almost never at the same parts, and Jude was glad when it was over and Stef said that she had to go to bed. Apparently, she worked early in the morning.
"What do you do?" Jude asked.
"I'm a police officer," she said, just before leaving the room.
Well, wasn't that just Jude's luck. Two people that were foster parents and one of them that was a cop and the other a guidance counselor. If they didn't sniff out that something was wrong with him, Jude would chew off his foot.
"Why don't we find you something to wear to bed and get you set up?" Lena said.
"Sure."
He followed Lena up the stairs. Stef was leaning into an open door.
"I hate Heathcliff," Mariana announced from inside the room. "Why do people like him?"
"Put the passion on the page, love," Stef said. "Are you almost done?"
"A few more quotes and four hundred more words," Mariana said. "I'll make it."
"That's the spirit."
Lena flicked on the light to another room.
"Our oldest son, Brandon, is away at university. You'll be comfortable in here."
Jude put his bag at the end of the neatly made bed and said this 'thank you' when she brought him a pile of clean pyjamas.
"If you want clean clothes to go home in, Jesus has a bag that he's ready to donate. He won't miss them, I promise. But, you know, you have your clothes so we know you might not want to borrow some."
"Thank you for the offer. And thanks for letting me stay here. You really didn't have to."
"We wouldn't have been able to live with ourselves if we didn't at least offer to give you a place for the night."
Lena sat next to him on the bed.
"You know, Jude, we like to think of our house as a safe place. Somewhere that people can go when their world isn't working out. I know we don't know each other but I feel like, through Connor, I know you a little. If this ever happens again, know that you can come here for a place to sleep, people to hear you when you talk, whatever you need. No explanations, no judgements. Your home is your home and we don't want you to feel scared that by needing help every now and then that you're going to lose that. Parents and children fight. However, much you or don't want to talk about is up to you. We just want you to know that you don't have to wander the street if it gets bad again."
"Thank you."
"We're glad you're safe for the night."
Jude couldn't imagine why they cared about him so much. They didn't even know him.
"In the morning, Stef is leaving at seven and I'm leaving at eight-thirty. Mariana will be home all day. Do you want one of us to wake you up or would you like to sleep in?"
"I'd like for you to wake me up, please. If you don't mind."
"Not a problem. We're just next door if you need anything. Have a good night, Jude."
"You too."
She shut the door behind her and Jude flopped down on the bed. He looked at the pyjamas next to him and decided that sleeping in his jeans or his underwear wasn't preferable. Nor was wearing clothes he'd slept in through the day tomorrow. Even at home, when he wore the same couple of things for days, he never slept in them. He changed and then crawled between the covers but he felt too lonely to sleep. He turned on the lamp and picked up his backpack. He didn't look at the room around him because he didn't want to think of the strange boy that this room belonged to. Instead, he opened To Kill A Mockingbird on his lap and lost himself inside of a story, thinking of nothing but Connor.
(-.-)
When Jude walked into Connor's room the next day, Connor was curled up on his bed, his blanket up near his head. He didn't even open his eyes when Jude walked into the room and, for a moment, he thought Connor was asleep, until the lowest murmur came out of his friend.
"If it's not Jude, go away."
"It's Jude."
It was then that Connor opened his eyes. "You okay? I've been worried about you."
But, now, Jude was just worried about him. Connor tried to sit up and Jude was at his side.
"No, lay down. You're clearly tired."
"I was sick all night," Connor admitted. "Couldn't … couldn't sleep."
"Here, lay back down. I'll be right here. I promised to read to you today."
"Tell me about your night first," Connor demanded.
"Okay, move over. Let's get comfy."
Connor curled up with his head lower on Jude's arm than it normally was.
"The night wasn't so bad. It was hard being alone in a room. I'm not used to sleeping alone. Even with how much she's gone, I've never really adjusted. So, I did a lot of reading, actually. I think I have at least the next chapter down for today. And then I got up with Lena around eight-thirty. I wandered around until I got here. They said I could stay with them again, if I needed to. I don't think I could ever take them up on it. Unless Callie tries to kill me when I get home."
"You're still going home, then?"
"Yeah," Jude said. "I have to."
"Not until later."
"No, not until later." Connor shut his eyes tightly and gripped Jude's arm.
"Are you going to be sick?" Jude asked, but he doubted it. He knew the way Connor was holding his arm and it was pain.
"No."
"I should call the nurse," Jude said. "It's too much."
Connor didn't fight him or try to have any bravado as Jude leant over and pushed the button. Immediately, Nurse Mac was there, giving Connor a painkiller.
"It'll help you sleep," Mac assured him but Connor didn't seem to be paying attention to the middle-aged man.
"Just go to sleep," Jude said, feeling Connor's hand tighten along his forearm. "Maybe it'll feel better when you wake up."
Jude didn't think that he really believed it but he hoped that Connor felt better hearing it.
"I'll read to you when you wake up," Jude continued. "You know I'm not going anywhere."
"I know."
"I'll nap with you," Jude said. "Come on, take a nap."
"Okay."
Like Callie used to do for him when he was small and scared, Jude gently rubbed along the back of Connor's head until he fell asleep. The act made Jude think of Callie and going home. It was going to go badly. He knew that. But there was no way that it could possibly go as badly as last night and he took comfort from that. It was a small comfort but it was something to cling to. He slunk down in the bed a little bit and bit his lip. Then, he kept his arm tight around Connor's shoulders and allowed himself to sink into a dreamless sleep.
(-.-)
Jude woke up late in the afternoon, after Connor did. He woke up feeling stiff and gross. He sat up and stretched, knowing Connor was watching him all the while. He felt slightly self-conscious of the long groan that came out of his mouth.
"Do you always drool in your sleep?" Connor asked. "I never noticed before."
Jude wiped at his mouth and the back of his mouth came back wet. Well, crap. Not that he was under any delusion than he was cute while sleeping or that he thought that, even if he was, it would make a difference.
"No. Must have been really asleep." Jude crossed his legs under him and turned toward Connor. "Are you feeling any better?"
"A little but I might just be a little more medicated. Do you feel better now?"
"I won't really feel better until I see her again and I know how this is going to end," Jude said. "Knowing is always better."
Connor squinted at him. "Was that a cheap shot?"
Jude shook his head. "I wasn't even thinking about it."
"Okay. Dad left you half a sandwich. Apparently, he was here while we were asleep."
"Oh. I guess I needed to sleep more than I thought." Jude rubbed at his eyes and when he opened them, Connor was holding the food out to him. "Thanks."
They ate their lunch and then Jude dug out his copy of Mockingbird, just like he had promised. He felt like Connor was just staring at him as he opened the pages.
"Read slow," Connor said.
"I always read slow."
"Yeah but I don't know this chapter. I can't even recite the first line."
"Why are you so obsessed with having this memorized?" Jude asked. "I mean, I know about your mom and I understand wanting to know about the book but why memorized?"
"I keep thinking about what's going to happen … after. Like, what being dead's going to be like." Connor finally looked away from Jude. "I think Jake's wrong. I think there's something after. I just … I'm worried that I won't be able to take things with me if I don't remember them perfectly."
A lump grew in Jude's throat. He couldn't even breathe around it.
"So, read slow, please?"
Connor looked back up at Jude and Jude could see tears gathering in the bottom of his eyes. He couldn't meet Connor's piercing gaze anymore so he turned his attention back to the book and read the first line of the chapter, Connor murmuring the sentence back to him. Jude made a quick glance back at Connor but Connor wasn't cheating by looking at the book; he was just looking at Jude's face. They only made it through the first paragraph before Connor's intense staring made Jude start to fidget.
"You're staring," he pointed out.
"No."
"Connor, why are you staring at me?"
Jude turned toward Connor and was surprised to find his face so close. Close enough that his heart raced and the lump in his throat was from thoughts of mistletoe instead of anything else.
"What if you can only take with you the things that you remember perfectly?"
"Don't," Jude whispered. "Don't. You can't die, you can't!"
Connor wrapped both of his arms around Jude. "I can't stop thinking about it. I can't. I don't want to but, Jude …"
"No," Jude said. "Something will happen. Something has to!"
He couldn't think about the alternative, not even after spending so much time already watching Connor get weaker and knowing that it was going to get worse, not better. Connor deserved more. He deserved better. If there was such a thing as miracles, Connor was owed one.
"It won't." Connor sat up and grabbed at Jude's hand, squeezing his hand desperately. "Listen, you need to understand. You need to know. It's going to happen. It is. Don't let it sneak up on you. It's so hard to accept but I'm not going to be here this time next year! I'm not!"
"I don't want a last day to know you!" Jude exclaimed.
"I don't want a last day to know you either," Connor whispered. "But we still have a little bit of time. I'm probably not going to croak tomorrow."
Jude angled himself away from Connor, letting his legs dangle over the end of the bed. His whole being hurt. He didn't want to have this conversation. He didn't want to think about Connor being gone. He didn't want to think about the fact that someday there was going to be a last conversation and what was going to be in that? Was there going to be things that Jude wished he said or things that he regretted saying? Was Connor right and he'd be able to take memories with him or was Jake right and there was nothing after? Jude wasn't sure what difference it would make when he was going to be alive and he was going to be missing Connor.
"Is it bad to say that I don't know what I'll do without you?" There was too much feeling in the words; the emotion was enough to scare Jude. He was toeing the line too delicately. He was going to give too much away.
"You'll be okay," Connor said. "I really believe that. Someone like you deserves an amazing life and I think you're going to get it. Something good is going to happen to you."
Jude glanced over his shoulder and then he looked back down at his knees. Looking at Connor's face was going to make him cry now. He took a shaky breath. "I'd rather give my good thing to you. I want you to live."
"I don't want to die." Connor reached out and grabbed onto Jude's upper arm, pulling at him. "Look at me!"
"No! I can't! I …" Jude was on the verge of breaking down now. "I …"
"Do you wish you'd never met me?" Connor asked.
"What? No!" Distracted, Jude whipped around. "Don't!"
I think I might love you, Connor.
The words drifted across his mind and Jude was left breathless with the force of it.
"I wish I'd met you sooner," Connor said.
"Me too."
"Maybe things would have been really different."
"Maybe." Jude frowned. "That's too hard to think about."
They stared at each other. Jude didn't know what to say. He felt tears still building up from the lump in his throat and his heart was thrumming like a hummingbird's. Connor was the one who looked away first.
"Do you want to try and find a movie or something?"
"Yeah."
That was probably easiest.
Jude pulled his legs back up on the bed and settled himself in so that he and Connor were sharing the bed like before. Connor found an old movie to put on – something so old that it was in black and white. He made a comment that he should try and find To Kill A Mockingbird for them to watch when Jude finally finished reading the book but Jude was too busy wiping at his eyes to say much of anything. He tried to look at the screen and figure out what was happening but he couldn't focus on anything.
Connor was still staring at him.
(-.-)
Jude stood on the street corner and looked at the rickety house he had lived in over the past few years. He could see a light on up in the attic, though just barely. He and Callie always kept the curtains pulled; it was only because he knew where to look. He took a deep breath and started across the line. He almost hadn't come back here tonight. Today, with Connor, had been longer and emotional than he thought it was going to be and he thought that one more night of the calmness of Lena's house might have been better but he couldn't leave Callie hanging like that, not for a second night. He had decided that as soon as he had seen Adam sit down next to Connor's bedside. He wanted his sister.
He hurried up the attic steps and opened the door slowly. Callie was sitting on the couch and she jumped to her feet.
"Hi."
Jude shut the door behind him. He'd been practicing his speech on the bus.
"Listen, okay? Just listen to me. I'm never going to forget what you said. I will never be able to forget or maybe even forgive, completely, any of it but I need you more than I need to be mad at you. I need you to never bring up anything again … I mean, anything like that again or bring it up at all, okay? I need that promise. I'm not going to get myself hurt again. I get it. I get our lives. You're the only person hurting me and everything else hurts so much."
Callie crossed the floor and hugged him tightly. "Okay. I promise. I'm sorry. I love you."
It was everything that he had needed to hear.
"Were you safe last night?"
Jude nodded.
"Were you safe today?"
"I watched Connor die a little more." It was real. It sat in his head and heart and ached but Connor's death still felt like something that was never going to happen. There was always going to be one more day, one more chapter to read, one more thing to say.
"I'm sorry."
It didn't help.
"I want to go to bed," Jude said.
"We both should." Callie stepped back and looked at his face. "Can I help?"
"No," Jude said. "I don't think there is any helping it."
"Okay. I probably won't be here when you wake up but I'll be here tomorrow night. I'll get a good dinner for us but it'll be late. Nine?"
"You don't have to."
"Let me do this for you, Jude."
Jude nodded. "Thank you."
He and Callie got ready for bed and he crawled in next to her. The stiff mattress and thin blankets were uncomfortable but it was comforting in the familiar way. He closed his eyes and listened to Callie's breathing trying, for the moment, not to worry about anything.
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: To The Grave by Bea Miller; and Agape by Bear's Den (reader recommended).
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~