"I miss school like crazy, especially physics. And my math. My math teacher was amazing."

Connor nodded politely as he looked at Jake but, admittedly, he wasn't really paying any attention to what Jake was saying and not because he didn't care. He was trying really hard to care; he was trying really hard to see what Jude saw when he said that Jake liked him. Connor had to admit that he thought Jude was right – now that it had been pointed out to him, he wondered how he had missed it. Jake was sitting a little too close, Jake was saying things that could definitely be taken as flirting, and Connor didn't have enough fingers to count the amount of times that Jake had 'accidentally' touched him the half an hour they'd been sitting with one another.

"You listening?"

"Yeah, distracted, I guess."

"About what?"

"Something Jude said."

"Yeah, what was that?" Jake asked.

"He said it looked like you had a crush on me."

Connor wasn't sure what Jake was going to do but he really wasn't expecting Jake to laugh about it. He was expecting embarrassment. Denial, maybe. But Jake just laughed.

"Well, yeah," Jake said. "But I was hoping that you would have noticed, not him. Think he's jealous?"

"Jude? No. Jude's straight."

"Well, then, if he's not jealous maybe he's just trying to be a good friend. Have you ever had a boyfriend?"

Connor shook his head, starting to feel uncomfortable. He hadn't even told his dad that he was gay yet. He was only fifteen; it wasn't weird that he had never had a boyfriend. Except, he probably wouldn't get to turn sixteen and he'd only ever had one kiss before and that was because he'd surprised his straight best friend and, though Connor counted it as one of his best memories, he wasn't sure that it counted in the grand scheme of kisses. Maybe it did. Jude had kissed him back for a second – at least a second – and that meant it was a real kiss.

"Ever had a girlfriend?" Jake asked, squinting at him, and Connor shook his head. He realized he could lie to Jake and tell Jake that he was only into girls and avoid this whole thing but he didn't think he wanted to do that. He wasn't sure that he liked Jake as anything more than a friend but if the two of them only had so much time left on their clocks, did it matter if he was that into Jake?

Did it matter that he was more into Jude?

"Well, which one do you want? If you want either," Jake added on.

"Um …" His throat swelled. "Boyfriend … My dad, though –"

"My mom doesn't know either, don't worry about it. I thought the pink hair was going to be enough but apparently it wasn't and I just haven't tried to find the real words to say it. I get it."

Jake got it. Some part of Connor felt soothed; it was the same part of him that had bristled when Jude had said that pink hair was too gay and explained to Connor that he had to lie about who he was.

"Visiting hours starts soon and she'll be here," Jake said.

"Jude's coming by."

"I figured that. He sees you more than I see literally anyone."

"He knows my dad's at work a lot, still. He doesn't want me to be alone."

"Sounds like a good friend."

"Best friend," Connor corrected and Jake leant forward a little so that he and Connor were almost meeting in the middle of Jake's bed.

Connor's conviction that he should throw caution to the wind and do everything and anything while he was still alive disintegrated when Jake didn't reply and moved a little bit closer. He really didn't think that he wanted to kiss Jake but he decided that he was going to. He wanted to know what it felt like. And it was … dry. It was … okay. There was none of the heart-thrumming and vein boiling and all-consuming weak-kneed feelings that he had been overcome with when he'd kissed Jude at Daria's party. The kiss ended and Connor just looked at Jake. He didn't feel any different than he had the moment before. It might as well have not happened at all.

"Um, I'm going to get back to my room."

"Talk to you later," Jake called after him.

He didn't seem any different either and Connor had to wonder just how many boys Jake had kissed and if he had really liked any of them. Connor didn't know. He didn't know if he cared enough to ask. He settled himself back in his bed and he felt strangely guilty. He almost didn't want to see Jude because the thought of telling Jude that he had kissed someone else. He shouldn't feel guilty. Jude was his best friend and whatever feelings that Connor had about Jude were one-sided; Jude had made that very clear. Connor was free to kiss someone else if he decided that he was going to. His inner turmoil was his own problem; Jude wasn't going to be upset.

Jude turned into the room. "Hey! You look a lot better today."

"I feel better today," Connor admitted.

"And you put the hat back on," Jude said, sitting down at the end of Connor's bed and keeping his backpack next to him.

"I can't believe I let you see my head."

"It wasn't so bad, really," Jude said. "You shouldn't be so self-conscious. The lack of hair didn't bother me."

"Did something?" Connor asked, noticing the slight change in Jude's tone.

"Eyebrows."

"I don't have eyebrows anymore."

"That's my point," Jude said. "But you look fine without the hat."

"Thanks."

"Ask me about my morning," Jude commanded.

"How was your morning?" Connor asked, half-hoping that Jude didn't ask about his. Maybe he wouldn't tell Jude about kissing Jake. He didn't have to … but it would be like lying to Jude again and Connor had promised that he wouldn't do that again. He knew that lying by omission was still lying. He knew that was how Jude would see it to.

"I had a really productive morning, actually, so I hope you're grateful," Jude said as he started unzipping his backpack.

"Did you do some reading?"

"No."

Connor heard the crinkle of plastic as Jude fiddled in his bag.

"Did you do some writing?"

"No. Close your eyes."

Connor did so hearing several soft thumps along his bed.

"I was thinking about your hat. Yesterday you said it was itchy and warm and I thought … you're probably wearing it too much. And I don't remember how zoned in you were for this but we were also talking about colouring the top of your head and so I thought, um, you might want something different because grey is boring so … Open."

Connor did and there was an array of hats splayed across his bed. About eight in total, of varying thicknesses and colours. There was even a purple one in the middle.

"I couldn't find pink and, also, you don't want to copy Jake if he decides he misses his hair." Jude bit his lip. "What do you think?"

Connor picked up a blue hat, the colour of Jude's hair. "You dyed your hair again."

"You were picking on my roots."

"It looks really good."

"Thanks."

Connor pulled off his grey hat, trying not to be self-conscious about his head. He pulled the blue hat on. It was a lighter material and it sat looser on his head than the grey on. He tucked the edges of the blue toque up and positioned it.

"How do I look?"

Jude grinned brightly. "You're stealing my colour."

"Think it looks better on me?"

"No," Jude said, but Connor could tell that he was just being stubborn. "But that doesn't mean it looks bad."

Connor grinned and pulled another one of the hats into his lap. It was white with different colours splattered across it, making it look like an artist had intentionally thrown paint at it.

"I wasn't sure what you'd really like," Jude said, "So I just tried to get a little bit of everything."

"You didn't have to do this."

"I know," Jude said, "but I could and I wanted to. You like them, right?"

"Yeah, this is great! Thank you, Jude!"

"You're welcome."

The guilty feeling in Connor's stomach grew and he wondered if the reason that he felt guilty wasn't because he had kissed someone else but because he was lying to Jake by kissing him. It didn't matter to Connor that Jake wanted to kiss him while Jude didn't. What mattered was that Connor just wanted to kiss Jude. Maybe he felt guilty because he'd lied to himself, thinking that he could trick himself into thinking about more than Jude, but, how could he? Jude bought him hats and visited him every day and held his hand when the pain was bad. There was nothing about Jude that didn't feel perfectly designed for Connor to just fall for him – whether Jude wanted him or not.

"You okay? You're quiet?"

"Thinking." He had to tell Jude.

"About what?"

"You were right."

"Ha," Jude grinned cockily. "You shouldn't be surprised. What was I right about?"

"Jake does like me."

"Oh." Jude picked up an orange hat, kneading it between his fingers. "He told you that."

"I asked him about it."

"So, what?" Jude asked, crushing the hat in one fist. "You want him to?"

"No, um, I don't think so? He kissed me," Connor revealed.

"Oh."

Was that really all that Jude was going to say?

"I don't think … I mean, nothing's going to come of it, right? Kissing someone doesn't always have to mean more, right?"

Jude just shrugged. "It's your kiss. You have to tell me."

"I don't feel more," Connor said, honestly. "I've … I mean, I didn't feel anything."

Jude looked at him and Connor wondered if Jude was going to bring up their kiss. He almost wanted Jude to because it would mean that it meant something to Jude. It meant that he still thought about it and Connor, at least, wanted to know that. Even if Jude wasn't thinking about their kiss in the way that Connor was, Connor wanted to know that Jude hadn't completely dismissed a moment that meant so much to him.

"Maybe you should kiss him again."

"What?" All at once, Connor felt that it wasn't what he wanted to hear. He wanted something more like: maybe you should kiss me again or did you feel something when you kissed me?

"Well, what can it hurt?"

"I don't like him. It'll make him think I like him more than I do and that's not fair. Why do you want me to kiss Jake?"

"Why not? It's not like I'm going to make you but I think that, you know, you should be happy and if that's what makes you happy, why not? You might get a Valentine, like you wanted."

Connor just slid down his bed, feeling soured. It wasn't what he wanted. It wasn't what he expected. He just felt disappointed to what Jude was saying and it wasn't fair. Jude was being a good friend and, honestly, it was what he was supposed to be saying.

"I don't want him to be my Valentine."

"All right, all right," Jude said. "I'm just saying, do what you want."

"Well, I told you what I wanted and you told me to do something else."

"My fault, I get it," Jude said. He released the hat that he was holding onto.

"No, that wasn't what I meant."

"It's what you said." Jude sighed. "But I get that too. So …"

"So …" Connor didn't think he'd ever felt so awkward looking at Jude, not even following him home from Daria's Christmsa party. "Um, what do you want to do today?"

"I don't know."

"Is there anything you want to do?"

Jude shook his head. "Not really."

"Okay, well, I was thinking I should try to get something done with my homework before I see Ms. Adams again. Wanna help?"

"Sure. I'll get in your way."

"I don't mind," Connor said. Honestly, he liked when Jude was in his way.

Jude moved the hats to a chair and cozied up next to Connor, just like he always did, and the awkward feeling started to leave him. He pulled the work that Ms. Adams had sent to him into his lap and opened it.

"What should we start with?"

Jude snorted. "Like I know anything about what you're doing in school."

"Well, she gave me mostly reading. And then quizzes to take afterward."

"She trusts you not to cheat?"

"More like check your knowledge quizzes," Connor said, reading the note Ms. Adams had taped to the inside of the folder.

He pulled a face at one of the last lines and before he could tell Jude, Jude was peering over his shoulder.

"What? What's it say?"

"You can read it."

"Handwriting?" Jude scoffed. "Okay, fine, where am I looking?"

Connor pointed at listened to Jude's false starts.

"I can't do it! Cursive letters are from a different alphabet."

"No, they're not. Come on, you know this."

Jude crossed his arms over his chest tightly, looking sulky. "I sound stupid again."

"You never sounded stupid."

Jude glared at him.

"It's me. What do you have to hide from me?"

Jude's expression softened around the eyes. "I was supposed to tell you something you didn't know about me. Do you remember asking me that? You were pretty out of it yesterday."

"I don't remember," Connor admitted. "What were you going to tell me?"

"I don't know." Jude shifted the slightest bit closer, though there was hardly any room to do so.

"I guess you are the honest one."

"You were supposed to tell me something back."

Connor stared at Jude's face and then his eyes flickered to Jude's lips. He'd annoyed Jude enough today. Besides, there was no way that Jude didn't know. Connor had come out to him and then kissed him first. There was absolutely no way Jude didn't know.

"I know you can read this sentence."

It was an easy thing and a safe thing to say and it made Jude playfully roll his eyes.

"You can!"

"Okay, I'll try. Point to it again."

"I … I'm? That's an 'M', right?"

"Right."

"G … go … gong?"

"Going."

"To brung … No. I. That's a dot. Bring?"

"Yeah."

"That word's too long. Just tell me."

"Textbooks," Connor said, giving into Jude's pleading look.

"I'm going to bring textbooks next time." Then, Jude made a face too. "Guess your sob story doesn't work on teachers."

"Or Dad works too well on teachers. He still thinks I'll use calc someday but, I swear, even if I somehow got a kidney and lived to be eighty, I'd never use it. I'd never be in a job that needed it."

"Can I ask a dumb question?"

"No."

"What's calc?"

"Calculus," Connor said and he flipped through the worksheets until he found his calculus set. "It's math."

"On what planet?"

"Exactly my point," Connor said.

"So, why take it?"

"Why not? I'm smart enough to and Dad always talked about picking courses that universities would like."

"Oh."

"Guess I can ignore it for a while now. Want to do history or chem?"

"History," Jude decided, looking at the work. "You can read to me for once."

"All right. History it is." He pulled out the papers that he needed and put the folder to the side. "Think you'll find this interesting?"

"Let's find out," Jude said, pointing at the first paragraph. "You owe me."

"I know."

Jude cuddled down against Connor's shoulder and Connor began to read. He owed Jude more than this but this would do for now.

(-.-)

Connor was medicated and asleep in Jude's lap. Jude was staring at his face and trying not to be mad at Connor and mad himself.

Why did you kiss Jake? I love you.

But Jude knew it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Connor had kissed Jake. It wasn't fair that Jake could kiss Connor. It wasn't fair that Jude liked Connor. It wasn't fair that Jude loved Connor. It wasn't fair that Jude couldn't tell Connor that. It wasn't fair that Connor was dying. It wasn't fair that they couldn't just be happy.

He looked up as Adam walked into the room. Adam stopped at the foot of Connor's bed, squinting down at Connor.

"That hat. Is it new?"

Jude nodded. "He didn't like the idea of me colouring his head so I got him some different hats. Grey's boring."

"So's natural hair, apparently," Adam joked, taking his seat. Then, he added, "That's very kind of you, Jude."

"He'd do the same for me," Jude said confidently. After all, Connor had done everything else for him.

"You matter a lot to him," Adam replied. "He was always very loyal to his friends."

"They weren't so loyal to him," Jude snorted.

"A friend with cancer is a hard thing to deal with for thirteen-year-olds," Adam said, while Jude thought that it was also hard for fifteen-year-olds. "Especially once he was like this."

"He's been this bad before?" Jude asked, resisting putting his hands on Connor's sleeping body as he took the half of the sandwich from Adam.

"No but his very first chemo cycle was terrible. I really thought I was going to lose him then."

Adam's voice quivered and Jude looked away.

"I had this fear that he'd just give up because of how much he missed his mom but that's not Connor. If this came down to willpower alone, I wouldn't be worried at all about losing him."

Jude hesitated and then gathered up his courage. "Can I ask you something that I've been scared to ask Connor?"

"Of course," Adam said. "You can ask me anything."

"How much time does he really have left?" Jude asked, trying not to let his voice shake. Did he really want to know? How could he not know?

"It's hard to tell. Could be three months, could be a year. To be honest with you, a year would be a miracle. I want to see him turn sixteen. That's what I'm hoping for."

"So, soon," Jude said. "Sooner rather than later."

Adam nodded. "He's got a lot working against him. Every day's a fight."

"He's getting worse," Jude murmured. "I see him. I notice it. Yesterday was bad. It's all going to end up being like yesterday, isn't it?"

"Yes. Even worse. It's going to be very hard to watch, Jude."

Jude looked down at Connor, his hand resting against Connor's side. He knew what Adam was warning him of. He knew that Adam was trying to say that it was okay if he couldn't be here. "I'm not going to leave. I can't … I couldn't forgive myself if I let him down when things got hard for him. That's not what friends do."

"You're a good man."

Jude didn't think he'd ever been called a man before and he didn't think that he liked it. He wasn't a man. He was fifteen-years-old. Connor wasn't a man. They were still just kids and Connor should get a chance to actually be a man. A man was twenty, thirty, forty, older. Not teenagers. Not them.

"Can I ask you a question?" Adam asked.

"I guess that's fair," Jude decided.

"Did you intentionally match his hat and your hair?"

"No. I just picked out a blue hat. I didn't realize they were that close and then he was the one that he decided he wanted to wear."

"Blue always was his favourite colour," Adam commented. "Well, it's a good colour for your both."

"Thank you," Jude said, feeling self-conscious. He took a bite out of the sandwich. "Thank you for lunch."

"It's better to share it. I'm really glad you're able to spend all this time with him. I feel guilty that I'm at work so much but it's so I can be there later."

"You're around," Jude said. "He knows that. He talks about how often you're here. He's not lonely. He doesn't have to miss you."

"Do your parents miss you?" Adam asked.

"They understand. And, honestly, even if I wasn't here and I was home, it wouldn't be much different."

"Do you really have a home, Jude? Is there someone waiting on you?"

"Yes. That's not a lie. I know school was but I have … family. There's a house, a bed, a lot of fast food but that's the only downside." Jude met Adam's eyes because he felt like that was going to make him more believable. "That's the truth."

"Okay," Adam said. "I believe you. I just wondered."

"I know. It almost seems unbelievable but my home isn't something that you need to worry about."

Adam nodded again and Jude felt like he was believed. He let out an internal sigh of relief. For the moment, he could relax and let the tension in his stomach unfurl.

"I'll be back later, Jude. I'm going to have to get going."

"I'll see you later."

Jude watched Adam leave and he continued to pick at his lunch. He was nearing the end of his sandwich when Connor started to stir. He rubbed his eyes and peeked up at Jude.

"Thirsty?" Jude asked.

Connor nodded and let Jude up to bring him water. Connor took it and started sipping, cuddling back up against Jude.

"Dad here?"

"Yeah. You missed him by, like, fifteen minutes."

"Oh. So you ate?"

"Yeah, I promise."

"I want to be sure."

"I'm supposed to be taking care of you."

"You're my best friend," Connor said. "We take care of each other."

"Yeah," Jude agreed. "I guess that's also what friends are for."

"Am I still going to be your best friend when I'm dead?"

"Yeah, always. You're my first best friend, you know?"

Connor smiled a little. "I'm glad you're my last best friend."

"Maybe you'll live and in ten years, you won't even know my name."

Connor shook his head, wincing.

"Did you make yourself dizzy?" Jude asked, half-concerned and half-amused.

"Whatever. Anyway, if I live, I'd never stop knowing you."

Jude wasn't appreciative of the scornful way that Connor said if he lived but was distracted enough by his last comment. Jude had never thought of what his life might get like as he got older – it was hard enough getting through one day. But were he and Callie going to be in their twenties and thirties, living in the attic and avoiding Nic? Once Jude was aged out of the system, could he start to move on with his life or would that just put Callie in danger, if they were still in contact?

"I think we could still be best friends if we were older," Connor continued. "I really do but I'm not …"

"Well, you're going to make it to sixteen, at least. I promised to get you a cupcake for your birthday too." Jude glanced at him. Adam had made it sound like it was more than reasonable to think that Connor was going to make it that far, at least.

"I don't know what state I'll be in but I should still be here. Not that I want to go or anything. I'm not ready for life to be over yet. It's so hard to think about. Life going on after I'm dead, the way that it did when my mom died. Not knowing what's coming next or …" Connor curled his knees up to his chest. "Have you ever really thought about it, Jude? Dying, I mean."

"Yeah," Jude murmured. "I did, once. I had to."

"Did you think you were going to die?"

"Yeah. It felt like it. Back when that I was hurt, really bad. There was so much pain and I was so scared and I thought that I was … It was a really bad time," Jude finished in a whisper.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you think of bad things like that."

"It's okay. I can trust you. It just hurts to think about."

"But you're safe now, right?"

"Safer," Jude corrected.

Connor's hand curled around his own.

"But, you really don't have to worry about me." Connor had way bigger things to think about than what Jude was doing at home.

"That's what friends are for, Jude," Connor reminded him.

"Yeah, I guess it is," Jude mused.

Connor's head rested down against his shoulder and Jude squeezed his hand. Friends also weren't supposed to be fifteen and dying and Jude knew that he would never get over what Connor was going through now. He knew that he would never fully be able to move on from sitting in the hospital room and watching Connor slip away bit by bit. He put his head down on top of Connor's, feeling his hat squish and then they just sat there, tied around one another, as the afternoon faded away.

If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Won't Stop Running by A Great Big World; and Thief by Our Lady Peace.

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~