Jude stared blankly at Brandon's bedroom wall. He'd thought that he'd never see this room again and he wished that it was true. He shouldn't be here. He should be in the attic. Callie should be exhausted and babbling about burgers before going to bed too early. How had it changed? It had happened all too quickly; he had no warning. How could there have been absolutely no warning? It had all been fine this morning. There had been nothing to tell Jude that it was coming and there should have been something. And he should have known better that there would be nothing. Everything else that had happened in his life had been an accident – a twist of fate that no one could have anticipated or prepared for. And he and Callie should have been better prepared for it to happen. Being around Nic was like balancing on a knife's edge and they should have known that they were either going to fall off or get cut. And, really, it was all Jude's fault that Callie had been taken away and gotten caught. If she didn't have him, she could have run straight away. If he hadn't been so torn about leaving Connor behind, they would have been gone and they would have been fine.
Connor would have haunted him forever but Callie would have been free. Jude didn't know what the right decision would have been. He wasn't sure he'd ever make up his mind about it.
There was a knock at the door and Jude turned his head slowly, seeing Stef and Lena standing in the doorway.
"Hi, love," Stef said. "How are you feeling?"
"I don't know," Jude whispered as they sat at the end of the bed. How was he supposed to know?
"I found Callie," Stef said. "She's in a juvenile detention centre. Other than that, I haven't been able to get any details."
"Can I talk to her?" Jude blurted.
"Tomorrow. It's late now but we'll phone tomorrow."
Jude nodded. "Okay."
He just needed to speak to her again. He needed to say sorry and hear that she was fine.
"What's going to happen to her?"
"I don't know," Stef said. "There's a lot at play that can affect the outcome. We'll figure it out as it goes but, I promise, I will make sure that we stay updated. We'll make sure she's not alone."
"Thank you." Jude faced the wall again. His brain didn't work.
"And, Jude," Lena said, "we would like you to be comfortable here, for as long as you're here, so, if you need anything, don't be afraid to tell us."
For as long as you're here. Jude looked over at Lena. "Do you not want me here?"
"No, we do, Jude, of course. We really want you here."
"Because of Connor? Because of what Adam said?" Jude asked and Lena just shook her head at him.
"We don't really know you yet, Jude, but we like you and we want to help you. We're not doing this as a favour to anyone or anything of the sort. You're not being forced on us."
Jude wasn't sure that he believed it but, especially with the way Lena said it, he desperately wanted to trust her. He felt like the only person he had never been forced upon was Connor because Connor had so many chances to turn him away or not talk to him again before they were really cemented as friends. Everyone else, he had ended up stuck to – like he was a human burr they couldn't get off.
"Can … Can I call Connor?" Jude asked, though he'd barely left the hospital an hour before.
Stef and Lena glanced at each other quickly. "Sure, but, make it a short phone call, okay? He needs his sleep and so do you."
Like Jude needed to be told.
"It'll be short," he promised. Stef quickly hunted him out the phone. As she handed it to him, she said, "To bed right after."
"Okay." She left the room and Lena lingered a moment more. Jude took a deep breath. "Can I ask you something?"
"Anything," she said. "I promise honesty."
"Are you gonna let me go see Connor tomorrow? Or does that have to change too?"
Lena's brown eyes softened and Jude thought he might have spied the shimmer of a tear in the bottom of her eye before she blinked at it was gone. "We're going to let you see Connor, Jude. We wouldn't take that away from you."
"But as much as before?" Jude asked. "I wasn't allowed to be home and so I just stayed with him and … he's not getting better and I know that and I … I don't want to … lose time," he whispered, realizing how desperate he sounded. He shoved the back of his hand along underneath of his own eyes. He wasn't going to cry about it.
"We will figure it out," Lena said, "but … Yes."
"Yes, what?"
"You'll see Connor as much as before."
"Thank you," Jude whispered, feeling a lump build in his throat. He looked down at the phone in his hand.
"Have a good night, Jude."
"You too."
She pulled the door just to before leaving and then Jude typed out Connor's number, holding the phone up to his ear when it rang.
"Hello?"
"Are you sleeping?"
"No, but almost. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I think so. I just wanted to hear something familiar." Jude laid down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. "I never thought of that place as home but I want to go home. I want Callie. I want …"
Jude sighed and let himself fall back onto the bed.
"I'm sorry, Jude. Can I do anything?"
"No. I just wanted something. Someone. I don't have anything real anymore. I just want to feel better but …"
His words failed him, wasting away in his throat and Jude hid his face in a pillow. A pillow that smelled like a boy he hadn't met yet and not his sister. He didn't have anything of Callie left and he felt like his brain was spinning. How could there not be anything left?
"You've got me," Connor said. "Hopefully something good happens now but I'm sorry that happened to Callie."
"Me too," Jude said. It all seemed so stupid now. All of the years of fear and anger and hurt that they had gone through meant nothing. All that Callie had sacrificed and everything that she had ever done for Nic meant nothing. Why had they done that if this was the ending? Nothing made sense and that was what he told Connor.
"I get it," Connor said and Jude knew that he was understood. "I wish I could make it make sense for you."
"I wish that it would make sense. Everything. My mom dying, your mom, your cancer, Callie. I just want a reason. What's the reason?"
"I dunno," Connor said. "If you ever find out, will you tell Dad for me? He wants that reason."
"Don't you?" Jude asked, and he felt genuine curiousity. He was glad for that; he was glad for the brief respite that came from thinking of something that wasn't about Callie.
"If I believed in a reason, I think I'd want it. I think I'm just cursed."
"That's a reason," Jude pointed out.
"Oh … Yeah, I guess. But Jake's dead and people die and maybe that's the reason. There's no room for people to live forever and maybe there's no room for me anymore. What do I know? I think it's one of those kinds of things you can only know when it's all over and you get to look back at the whole thing."
"You're smarter than you look," Jude quipped.
"But not as smart as you."
"I'm really not –"
"No, not going to hear it. You're great, Jude."
"Your meds are kicking in," Jude mused, hearing Connor's voice start to slur. "Guess I'm going to have to hang up soon."
"Yeah," Connor said. "They're trying something new. This is what drunk people feel like."
"Not that you'd know."
"I know now," Connor replied. "I … I wish I could fix everything for you. You deserve everything."
Jude hugged his legs up to his chest, drinking in Connor's voice. He felt comforted; he felt cared about. And he felt like he loved Connor, for everything that he was saying. He knew Jude well enough to know exactly what he needed to hear and how to say it and how to make him feel better.
"I just …" Connor started and quickly stopped. "I wish … you were here."
"Me too but I'll see you tomorrow. Lena promised."
"Good."
"You go to sleep now," Jude said. "You need it."
"You sleep too," Connor said. "Good dreams. Promise?"
"I'll do my best."
"You'll be okay."
"Night, Connor."
"Night, Jude."
Jude hung up the phone and placed it carefully on the nightstand. He put his borrowed pyjamas on and climbed into his stolen bed. He went to turn the lamp off but then he drew his hand back into himself. Jude had never been afraid of the dark but, tonight, he was too afraid to lay there and look at shadows, thinking of everything had gone wrong. Instead, just like the last time he had stayed in the house, he picked up To Kill A Mockingbird, and flipped back to the very beginning, like things would be different if he did.
(-.-)
Jude trotted down the steps of Stef's and Lena's home, finding Lena still in the kitchen, talking to Mariana.
"What time did Jesus say he'd be home tonight?"
"Seven or so. He said he'd probably be back in time for supper."
Jude hadn't officially met Jesus yet. He had been on an overnight wrestling trip and Jude wasn't looking forward to him coming back. He was looking forward to meeting Brandon even less, though he had no idea when or if that would even happen. He really wasn't sure of anything going on in his life at the moment and he hated it. His days had been hard, before, but they were routine, normal. He knew what was going on. Now, though, he had absolutely no idea what he was walking into.
"Good morning, Jude!" Lena trilled.
Mariana glanced over her shoulder. "Hey."
"Hi," Jude said. Mariana was nice. He thought that she might like him. At the very least, he was sure that she didn't mind him.
"So, I took a half day off work," Lena said. "I thought that we might drop Mariana off at school and then go clothes shopping for you and get you some things."
"Really?" Why would they want to spend money on him?
"Really. Jesus's hand-me-downs fit you pretty well and we've loads of them laying around but there's still a couple of things that you need."
"Oh. Thank you."
"And then I can drop you off to see Connor before I go to school."
"Thank you." Jude eased himself into one of the tall chairs around their island. "Have you heard about Callie?"
"Stef said she'd call before lunch. We'll try calling Callie as soon as she's figured it out."
Jude nodded, looking down at the countertop instead of at Lena's smile.
"Would you like some cereal for breakfast?"
Jude nodded, saying thank you again as Lena set him up with a bowl. He ate mechanically, unable to appreciate the fact that he was getting breakfast and it wasn't a cold three-day-old burger. All he could think about was that it wasn't normal. Would things ever feel normal again? The more Jude went through his day, the less he thought so. He hated seeing the school when they dropped Mariana off but he was sorry to see her go, because then she wasn't around to distract Lena. It was just him and her in the car and Jude was waiting for her questions to start. They didn't as they headed to the mall and that was worse. Jude would rather get it over with than have to sit around and stare at her, wondering what she was thinking about him and wondering what was on her mind. He didn't know her at all, let alone enough to guess what her impression of him was.
"Okay, socks, shoes, underwear," Lena said as they headed inside. "What else do you think you need?"
"Nothing, it's fine," Jude said quickly. He didn't need to be even more of a leech than he was already being. They were already doing more than enough for him.
"Would you like a new backpack?" Lena asked. "This one looks like it's seen better days."
"No, it's all right. It still works." He couldn't let everything in his life be replaced. His bag might be the only familiar thing he had left by the end of it.
"Sure," Lena said. "If you need anything, Jude, it's okay to say so."
Jude shook his head.
"We'll listen to anything you want to say."
"Thanks," Jude said, because he felt like that was what was supposed to say. He waited for more questions but they ducked inside of a store.
He fidgeted restlessly as Lena asked him what colours he liked and what size he was. They were standing in line to pay when her phone went off. He recognized Stef's photo on the screen and bounced onto his toes. Callie. He was going to get to talk to Callie. Lena quickly paid and then she handed Jude the bag as she put her phone to her ear. Jude followed her back out to the car, trying to understand what was going on from her side of the conversation. She sat in the driver's seat and scribbled a number on the side of an envelope. Jude sat patiently in the passenger side until she hung up.
She turned to look at Jude and smiled brightly. "Let's call Callie!"
Jude's fingers shook as he watched her dial the number. She was on the phone for just a few seconds and then she handed it over to Jude.
"Jude!" Callie exclaimed. "Don't call me."
"Don't you tell me that!" Jude snapped. "What the hell?"
"I'm not saying it. There's a lot of trouble, Jude, and it's going to be better if you just stay away from me for as long as possible."
"No, not doing that. Not even a little bit. Where are you? Are you okay? What's going on?"
"I don't know but, honestly, I don't think I'm going to be getting out of here anytime soon. Best case reality … I'm so close to being an adult …"
"I want to come see you."
"Out of the question. I don't matter. Tell me about you," Callie demanded. "Where are you? Are you safe?"
"I am. I'm with Connor's guidance counselor. I stayed at her place the night I ran away, remember?"
"I remember. Tell me more about it. Are you going to be able to stay?"
"For a little while." Jude turned his back on Lena, hiding against the door. "Are you mad at me? I'm sorry for not making a quick enough decision."
"It's not your fault," Callie said and she sighed. "No, it's not. I guess we shouldn't be surprised that this happened. I'm just sorry that it happened like that. I always thought that we'd have more time and I would figure out the best place for you to go."
"I am in a good place," Jude promised her. "You don't have to worry about me. You just have to worry for you. I want you to be safe and I want you to get out of there! Let me come see you!"
"I don't want you to see me like this!"
"You're going to have to let me call you again."
"I will. You can write me letters and stuff too. I want to know you're fine." Callie sighed again. "I've got to go, Jude. I love you."
"I love you too," Jude said, and he felt like his heart was breaking again when she hung up on him. He put the phone back in Lena's hand.
"How is she?" Lena asked.
"She sounds more scared than I've ever heard her," Jude revealed. "She said that I couldn't go see her but I really want to see her."
"Well, let's try just calling her some and seeing if we can convince her that it's better to go see her."
"She said we could write letters," Jude said. He'd get Connor to help him. Letters to Callie would get written.
"We'll do that too."
Jude pulled his legs up onto the seat and wrapped his arms around himself. "Can we go see Connor now?"
"Sure, honey. Do you want to pick up food on the way?"
"No, I'm not hungry."
Lena tried to talk to him on the drive over and Jude just rebuffed her words, keeping his answers as short as he possibly could. He was surprised when she parked and followed him up to Connor's room but he didn't say anything to her about it. He hurried ahead of her in the hallway and then into Connor's room. Connor was awake, his head hanging over his lunch, picking at it. He looked up when Jude walked in, adjusting his hat.
"You okay?"
Jude felt exhausted and overwhelmed. He kicked off his shoes and flopped face down on the bed, his face in Connor's pillow.
"How are you feeling, Connor?" Lena asked.
"Better than yesterday, I think. Less of an appetite, though. Other than that, I'm pretty stable."
"I'm glad to hear it. I have to get back to school. Jude, don't catch a bus home, either Stef and I will come by to pick you up later."
"Okay," Jude said into the pillow.
"Bye, Ms. Adams."
Jude heard her footsteps leave and then he let out a long groan into the pillow.
"She hates me! I know she hates me!"
"No, there's no way she hates you. Did you talk to her?"
"Yeah."
"And?"
"She said she didn't hate me and that she wasn't mad."
"So, she probably doesn't hate you and she probably isn't mad." Connor nudged Jude's side. "At some point, you'll have to start trusting people."
"I trust people."
"Okay, two people isn't a lot."
"It is if you only know five people," Jude replied, sitting up quickly. He rested his elbow on his knee and his head in his hand. "I don't know. I feel like she should be mad. I feel like Callie would be angry at me for this and I don't understand why she's not. It's not normal for her!"
"Well, maybe she's learnt some things."
"It's been less than a day. She hasn't had time to learn anything. She's just had time to get mad, which she didn't!"
Jude could see that Connor was really thinking about it and it pleased him that Connor was taking the time, even though he didn't know Callie at all and his guess was definitely worse than Jude's at what was currently going through her head. He just loved that Connor cared so much about him.
"Maybe she's so scared about her and you that she's not even thinking about being mad." Connor shrugged. "Which, good point, she's not mad now, but, bad point, she'll probably carry around a grudge until she sees you again."
"She won't let me see her," Jude whined, feeling utterly defeated by it.
"I'm sorry."
"And I forgot to ask anyone how often I'm allowed to call her and so I don't know … I don't know anything, Connor!" Jude hid his face in his hands. "What do I do?"
"I don't know. Make sure you ask when you can call again?"
Jude was torn between laughing at what was clearly supposed to be a really stupid joke and getting mad at Connor for making it in the first place. He scrubbed his hands over his face, trying to breathe. "I don't want anything to change."
"Sucks that it already has, then."
Jude groaned and settled back normally against Connor's pillows so that they were shoulder to shoulder.
"Can I do anything?"
"Callie said I could write letters to her. I'm going to need your help with that."
"Your writing is great."
"Paper doesn't have spellcheck," Jude said. "And, also, you're a liar."
"Nope, not anymore, I promised," Connor said, and his hand snuck down to take Jude's. Jude closed his eyes at the contact, trying not to think of what Callie would think of the two of them. "You'll be okay, Jude, and so will she. I promise."
"Unless Jesus doesn't like me and so Stef and Lena decide to get rid of me."
"Good luck. Jesus gets really caught up in himself, so, he might not even notice you."
Jude laughed a little and it felt nice to do so.
"No, I mean it. And there's no reason why anyone wouldn't like you."
"There's a lot of reasons why someone wouldn't like me," Jude snorted, glancing over at Connor. But that was a mistake, because Connor was just staring at him in such a way that made Jude feel like he couldn't breathe at all.
"There's not."
Jude felt like Connor was biased but he also felt like Connor was the one who knew him best. He rested his head back along the uncomfortable bed. "I'm just so tired."
"Then, sleep."
"No, I should start sleeping at night so I shouldn't nap with you."
"All right, you're getting sick of the hospital bed, just say so. I am, for sure."
"Have you been walking?"
"Yeah, Dad and Nurse Mac have teamed up to bully me." Connor sighed. "I don't like it."
"I know."
"I can feel how different I am and how much I'm losing," Connor said. "But, you know, there's going to be a point where I never get out of this stupid bed so, really, I should be running around while I can, right?"
"I can't tell you what to do."
"You can, I just don't have to listen."
Jude managed a grin at that. "Finish your lunch. You need to eat."
"I'm not hungry," Connor protested, pushing the tray away.
"Well, I can't tell you what to do," Jude repeated. He squeezed Connor's hand. "You feeling okay? With Jake and stuff?"
Connor shrugged. "It'll take a little while, I think, for it to sit right with me but it'll be okay."
Jude nodded. "Um, I'm going to get the notebook and try to write something to Callie."
"Okay."
He got the notebook and propped it up against his knees, Connor's warmth heavy against his side. Jude tried not to feel self-conscious about the fact that Connor was reading everything that he wrote to Callie; what could he tell his sister that Connor didn't already know? But, it was a sensitive thing to tell Callie that he was living with two women that were married and their adopted children. It was hard for Jude to think of what she would want to know and what questions to ask that she would actually answer instead of brush over. He was still muddling over it when Connor passed out next to him. He abandoned his letter while Connor slept, instead turning to the mind-numbing activity of practicing the alphabet over and over again. His writing was starting to look less like a child's but it wasn't perfect yet and Jude wasn't so dumb as to think that he was going to be able to avoid the school conversation with Lena for much longer. She was a vice-principal! He just didn't know what to tell her. He didn't know what to admit to. Would Callie get in more or less trouble? He supposed the school thing couldn't work against her, could it?
He didn't know anything and that was the problem but he tried to keep his grumpiness from his face when Connor woke up. Especially once Adam arrived, because Adam was a parent and was genuinely asking Jude how he was doing and if he was all right.
"Yeah, Stef and Lena are great," Jude said. "I think I'll be okay."
"If there's anything you need, just ask," Adam said.
"Thank you, I appreciate that."
The evening passed slowly and Jude didn't have to pick on Connor to eat all of his dinner, because Adam did it for him, though Connor still didn't have it in him to finish the meal. Jude stared at the remains of food on Connor's plate, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. He sat with Adam and Connor, like he always did, until Stef knocked on the door.
"Are you ready to go, Jude?"
Visiting hours were over in another five minutes and, so, he supposed he was ready to go, but he really didn't want to leave Connor's side. There was peace in being here, because Connor made him feel better and because it was the only part of his day that had any normalcy. Sit with Connor, focus his concern on Connor, do some reading or writing, wait for Adam to show up so they could find a movie. He knew this part of his life and it was the only part of his life that he knew.
"See you tomorrow, Jude," Connor murmured.
"See you tomorrow," Jude said softly, and his gaze caught on Connor's face. He didn't want to go; he didn't want to look away. Impulsively, he wrapped his arms around Connor in a tight hug before he shoved his feet in his shoes, grabbed his bag, and followed Stef out the door.
"How was Connor today?" she asked.
"A little worse, honestly," Jude said, even though he hated to say it. He just didn't want to lie to Stef or Lena. If they caught him in a lie, maybe they'd ship him off somewhere else, and Jude would be left with the foster fathers that he had always known, and he knew that he couldn't go back to a house like that if he didn't have Callie. Callie was the only reason he had survived those places in the first place.
"I'm sorry to hear that."
Jude lifted one shoulder in a shrug as he sat in the front seat of Stef's car. "Thank you for picking me up."
"We're happy to. We've always like driving the kids around. Sometimes it brings out the best conversations."
Jude tried not to look over at her in suspicion. Was picking him up supposed to be a trick, then? But, if it was supposed to be a trick, why would she tell him about it? Maybe he was too stupid to figure it out or maybe they weren't trying to manipulate him at all. Maybe, Stef was just trying to talk to him. Connor was right; he needed to trust more than he did but that was something that was easier to think than do.
Stef reached for the radio. "What kind of music do you like?"
"Oh, I don't know," Jude said. He didn't spend a lot of time listening to music. "Upbeat stuff, I guess."
She found something that seemed happy and they listened to it on the drive back to her house. Jude didn't know whether or not to be relieved. On one hand, it meant that he wasn't one on one with Stef anymore. On the other hand, it meant that there would be more people around. He got out of the car and followed Stef up to the front door, plodding in behind her. Immediately, the sound of a petty squabble filled the air. Jude recognized Mariana's voice and then, a male voice that was only the barest bit familiar. Jude had only heard Jesus say a few words on that long ago drive to the hospital and he barely remembered anything about the boy. He'd had bigger things to think about than someone he thought he'd never see again.
He glanced up at Stef but she was just shaking her head at the sounds, as though she fully expected the argument. They took off their shoes and Jude followed her into the kitchen.
"Jesus, do you know Jude?" Stef asked.
Jesus squinted at Jude. "Oh, yeah, I remember the hair."
"He's staying in Brandon's room for the next little while."
"Mom said," Jesus replied. "Anyway, what do you have against Hailey? I'm going to ask her out."
"Don't do it, she's crazy," Mariana said.
"Crazy how?"
"Don't ask her out crazy!"
"You don't get to tell me what to do!"
"Okay," Stef said. "Let's not fight before dinner. Where's Mama?"
"Upstairs. I think Jesus gave her a headache."
Jesus rolled his eyes. "That's not why she's upstairs."
Stef left the three of them alone in the kitchen and Jude stared uncertainly at the twins, unsure of what to do. He shifted from one foot to the other but they were paying him no mind, instead, their arguing had quieted while Mariana made points that just because Jesus thought Hailey was hot, it wasn't a good enough reason to invite a vampire into the house. Jude slipped out of the kitchen and neither of them noticed him and he wondered if that should have stung at him. In the apartment, he and Callie couldn't move without the other one keeping track of why, and he missed that feeling of closeness. He sat down on the living room couch and dug out the letter that he had perfected for Callie. He added: P.S. I miss you. He stared down at the page until Stef sat down next to him.
"What's that?"
"Callie said I could write to her." Jude looked up at her. "You're a police officer, you know best. What's really going to happen to her? I know she won't tell me because she's going to want to protect me."
"It's not my case, Jude, and we're not supposed to talk about active investigations anyway but I know there is a lot working against her. There are several charges from why she was arrested – that she may be able to plea down if she gives information on her boss – but, from what I understand, they're now investigating the crime from earlier and I have no idea how that might turn out."
Jude looked down at his hands. "She was just trying to protect me. He was going to kill me. If I say that … will that make a difference? Will that help her?"
"It might," Stef said, "we'll make sure that we know what's going on with Callie so that if there's anyway that we can help her, we will."
"Thank you. You don't have to do that."
"We do. We want you to be safe and happy and we want Callie to be happy too."
"You don't know either of us."
"That's okay," Stef said. "We want to know you. It counts for something."
Jude just nodded.
It had to count for something.
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: You Only Need You by Tom Rosenthal; and My Boy by Car Seat Headrest (reader recommended).
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~