Jude watched the last flakes of his cereal chase each other around the bowl, looking at the envelope that had just been delivered. He wanted to tear it open but he held himself back. He wouldn't be able to read handwriting properly on his own; he would have to wait for Connor for that. But his heart was jumping inside of his chest because Callie had answered his letter so quickly! He hadn't been able to call her again and he was sure that she would steadfastly refuse to let him see her in a juvie centre but the simple fact that he was able to hold something that she'd touched meant something to him again, in this house that Callie had never seen surrounded by things that had nothing to do with him.
"Jude, we need to talk about something."
He felt cornered as Stef and Lena took seats on either side of him and his heart slowly sunk, the cereal he'd eaten turning to cement in his stomach. They were shipping him off; the new foster parents he ended up with weren't going to let him see Connor and they were going to beat him for asking. He wrapped his arms around himself.
"Okay," Jude said. "Let's talk."
He could always run away again, except he'd be so much worse off and anybody would know exactly where to find him: sitting at Connor's bedside. There wouldn't be any point to it.
"We want to talk about school," Lena said. "We have to get you enrolled."
"I won't get to see Connor as much! You promised it would stay the same!" Jude blurted, both because he meant it and because how could he admit to a vice-principal that he could barely read at the age of fifteen?
"You do need to be enrolled. We're just wondering when the last time you went to school was."
Jude stared down at the countertop. "When I was eleven."
It hadn't meant anything. He'd shown up off and on and hadn't bothered to do anything while he was there because he didn't know how. The teachers had reported his laziness and called his foster parents, who would just get angrier and angrier at him for being a dumbass. Until it had all boiled over one night.
"That's a lot of catching up to do," Stef said. Jude didn't have to look up; he could feel the glance that the two of them were exchanging. "Lena and I were talking about a plan because you're a foster kid and you can't not go to school."
"I know the rules," Jude said, feeling glum about it. There shouldn't be rules just for foster kids. Either they should all have rules or none of them should have rules. That was what seemed fair to Jude.
"Lena and I were thinking that she could homeschool you for the rest of the school year and through the summer to see if she can catch you up with your age group for when school starts again in September."
Jude's head flew up and he stared at the woman in front of him. "You'd do that for me?" he asked Lena.
"You and Connor can help each other with your homework," she said softly, her hand resting on his shoulder.
Jude looked back down at the counter, feeling the tears well up in his eyes. He could think don't cry all he wanted but it did absolutely nothing to stop the swell of emotion that broke out. They didn't know him! It hadn't even been a week and they were talking about September like it was total normal. Like he might actually be here. Like they might care about him still. And he knew that he was getting this offer because of Connor. He knew that it was because they actually cared and because they had listened to what he was saying and what he had wanted.
"Oh, Jude," Lena murmured. "Would you like a hug?"
He nodded, feeling himself crumbling as they both wrapped their arms around him. He didn't know how to do this. He didn't know how to be loved. He'd never had parents that loved him – he'd never had parent figures that had loved him. His real parents had loved to drink. All of his foster parents had been ambivalent at best toward his well being. Callie had no idea how to be a parent and had done the best she could but anyone who looked at them knew that it hadn't been fair to either of them. Parents? Jude had no experience with that. Stef kissed his temple and Jude's heart jumped because there was no reason that she should have been that nice toward him.
Good people, he thought. Good people exist.
"What do you think of that plan?" Lena asked.
"I think it's great," Jude choked out, struggling to take a breath. It shouldn't be so hard. They were talking about school. He shouldn't be scared – of school or them.
"Great. We'll get everything in order and we should be able to start soon!"
"Great," Jude mumbled. He couldn't even pretend to be enthusiastic about it.
Stef squeezed his arm. "Come on. I'll drop you off before I head into work."
"Thank you."
"Did you get enough to eat?" Lena called after him.
"Yes, thank you!"
He felt just comfortable enough to pick the music in Stef's care on the short drive over to the hospital. He thanked her for the drive and jumped out, balancing his bag on his shoulder as he took the familiar route up to Connor's room. He knew something was off immediately. The lights in the room were dimmed, as though it were the dead of night, though Jude knew that the lights were often kept bright for the ease of hospital staff. He poked his head around the doorway, fearing the worst, but there was Connor, looking fast asleep, even though it was too early for his medication to knock him out. Unusually, Adam was seated by Connor's bed. He looked rumpled and definitely worse for wear, his head hiding in his hands.
"Adam?" Jude said, stepping inside. "Is everything all right?"
It wasn't and he knew it wasn't.
"Come in, Jude. You won't wake him. We're still waiting for the drugs to wear off."
"What drugs? What happened?"
Had the end started while Jude wasn't here?
"We thought we were getting a kidney; we thought we had one," Adam said, his voice watery and broken. Jude's stomach hurt just listening to him. "And we were ready and then it turned out that it wasn't a healthy kidney after all and so we couldn't transplant it."
Jude sunk down on the chair next to Connor's bed, not wanting to disturb Connor, though he knew that Connor was dead to the world.
"So, nothing's different," Jude whispered.
Adam shook his head. "No but it's hard. He's going to wake up and he's going to have to hear that it didn't work out."
Jude closed his eyes. He couldn't imagine hearing that but he could imagine how Connor would feel. He knew that it would be hard to keep Connor hopeful after this but he knew they had to. Jude had listened to enough of the nurses talk to know that being hopeful was important; not giving up was important.
"There will be another one, right?" Jude asked. People died every day. How hard could it be to find a match?
"I don't know," Adam said and Jude felt chilled. "One felt like a miracle. A lot of people need kidneys but not a lot of people are kidney donors. I wasn't, until Connor was diagnosed and then I felt too guilty not to be. What do I need my kidneys for if I'm dead? I think I'd even do a live donation, if it spared someone else from feeling this way now."
"Live donation?" Jude repeated.
"It's hard to live with one kidney – a lot of potential health risks, especially as you get older – but it's possible. I think I'd do it."
"Yeah," Jude said, thinking who wouldn't but he knew a lot of people wouldn't. Otherwise, Connor would already have his kidney and might even be successfully fighting off his cancer, since everything else would be working the way it should.
"How's Stef's and Lena's?" Adam asked and Jude could recognize the subject change for what it was, though he didn't know if he was as relieved about it as Adam was. He wanted to understand what was going on with Connor more than he did but if Adam didn't want to keep talking about it, then who was Jude to force him to?
"It's been good. They're good people." Jude knew he sounded awkward; he didn't know what else to say about it. He wasn't sure how much he liked it or how much they liked him but he knew that it was the best possible place for him to be and he was almost completely sure now that they wouldn't hurt him.
"Settling in okay?"
"Yeah."
"How's your sister?"
Jude's heart quickly clenched inside of his chest, thinking of the letter inside of his bag. "Not sure, yet. Stef thinks she's going to have to serve some time no matter what but she thinks that it might be a lesser sentence based on circumstance … but she might just be saying that."
Adam shook his head. "I don't know Stef as well as I know Lena but she is more straightforward than that. If she said it, you can trust that she believes it's a genuine possibility."
Jude looked down at the floor. "Thanks. Hearing that really helps."
"It's important that you're happy and safe."
"Thanks." Jude hugged his knees up to his chest. "How long until he wakes up?"
"Sooner rather than later, now."
"How could they get so far before realizing something's wrong?" Jude blurted, watching Connor's chest rise and fall under his blanket.
"Organs can only live a certain amount of time outside of the human body so moving quickly is important."
Jude nodded, looking up to Connor's face, thinking that all there was now was waiting. Waiting for Connor to wake up, waiting for Connor to get a kidney, waiting for Connor to die. Jude would rather stay here in limbo forever. He knew what to expect from limbo but he knew better; something would have to break eventually. He just wished he knew what something was. He watched Connor until his friend began to move. Adam pressed the nurse's button and sat on the edge of Connor's bed, calling his name. Nurse Mac poked his head in the door and left just as quickly to fetch Connor's doctor. Jude leant forward in his seat but Connor was barely aware of anything by the time Dr. Meyer arrived and Jude left the room when she walked in, as was his practice. He went for a walk around the floor, passing by Jake's older room on his slow wander. He peeked in quickly. There was a girl sitting on the bed now, maybe nine years old with long blonde hair in one braid. Jude hoped that what she had wasn't serious and that she would be out of here soon.
But, what did Jude know? He couldn't help Connor; what use was it hoping for someone else?
Jude let Nurse Mac cut him off in the hallway and then he stuck his hands in his pockets, letting his mind wander for a moment. He remembered Adam lamenting that he wasn't a match for Connor but that Connor's mother could have been. It hadn't occurred to Jude then that a living person could give away an organ and still live. After all, a person couldn't do that with a heart but a kidney was different. It obviously had to be different. He made it back to Connor's room, thinking about the health risks that Adam had briefly mentioned. When he peered in, Dr. Meyer was gone and Adam gestured him in.
"He was asking if you were here."
Connor still looked like he was asleep but when Jude sat down on the mattress, he reached out. Jude held tightly onto him.
"How are you feeling?"
Connor made some sort of unintelligible noise.
"He'll be fuzzy for a while but he'll be all right in the end."
Connor tugged at Jude and Jude let him curl up. He tucked his head down next to Connor's.
"You're okay, you're okay," Jude assured him, even though he knew Connor would think he was a liar. Jude had no way of knowing if Connor could end up find. In this moment, though, Jude felt like he really meant it. Connor right here, right now, was fine. One bad thing had already happened to Connor today. He knew it wasn't how the world worked but Jude hoped that meant that it would be fine, at least for a little while. They needed a moment to breathe.
"Jude."
"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." As had already been proving, nothing was getting Jude to move from Connor's side. "Adam, he's shivering."
"Okay, I'll go and find another blanket." He leant over Connor. "I'll be back in five minutes. Jude's right here if you feel sick or anything. You're not alone."
Connor half-nodded, his head moving around like it was a disoriented fish. Jude watched Adam leave and then he hugged Connor close, feeling him shake. He didn't know what else to say to Connor and so he just wrapped both arms around him. Connor's fingers grabbed at the sides of Jude's shirt but there was no strength behind it.
"I'm sorry," Jude whispered.
"Don't wanna die," Connor said.
"I know. I know. You're not going to. I told you I'd save you, remember?"
Connor's head tilted back and his gaze definitely wasn't as clear as it normally was. Their faces were close together and Jude could feel the soft exhale of his breath. Jude's heart thudded loudly in his chest and all that he could think, looking down at Connor's face, was that he loved him too much to let him die and he had to find something.
"I wish I knew you before."
"That's okay. You know me now and I'm not going anywhere." He was in love. He knew he was in love. Nothing could uproot him from Connor's side.
Connor's eyes closed. He reached one hand up and touched Jude's jaw. "Talk."
"About what?" Connor tapped his jaw again before his hand fell down against Jude's side. "Okay, um, well, I got a letter from Callie today. I haven't opened it yet. I thought I'd wait for you to help me read it but maybe I should try to muddle through it myself. I should prove that you've taught me something. I haven't really seen a lot of Callie's writing before, though, so I don't know how hard it is to read. It can't be harder than yours, though, you write really small. I guess those sticky notes are small too."
Jude stopped his musing as Adam came back in, holding another blanket. He spread it over Connor and Jude.
"Hopefully that feels better," Adam said. "Connor, would you like the TV on for a distraction or is that going to bother you?"
"TV," Connor muttered.
"Probably better than us staring at him and hoping he feels better soon," Jude said and Connor nodded, pulling the blanket up further around his shoulders.
Connor's hand kept holding onto his under the blanket. Even though there was a movie on now, Jude knew that he and Adam were still mostly watching Connor as he blinked his way into being a little more conscious and alert. Jude watched him carefully when his lunch came in but he barely touched it, but Adam didn't even nag Connor like he did at normal mealtimes and that made Jude more concerned. He knew it was a big deal but he hated feeling like it was such a big deal. He hated the caged in feeling that came along with watching Connor's health. Jude kept glancing down at Connor and most of the time, Connor was blearily staring back at him. Jude kept thinking of the day that Connor asked him: what if you can only take with you the things that you remember perfectly? And Jude's heart just kept hurting.
Time seemed at a standstill and Jude was completely startled when Lena knocked on the door.
"Jude? Ready to go?"
"No!" Connor cried and his arms tightened around Jude with more grip than Jude had felt in weeks. "No, don't go."
"Visiting hours are almost over," Adam said. "Jude will be back tomorrow."
"No," Connor whimpered, pulling at Jude, and Jude fell back into Connor. He couldn't make himself stand up and pull away from him. "Let Jude stay."
Jude hugged Connor back and looked up at Lena. "Please?"
"I don't even know if you're allowed," Lena said. "Adam?"
"I can talk to a someone, see if it's all right, but he's your foster son, so, you need to okay it too."
Jude looked over at Lena and she let out a little sigh. "Jude, can I talk to you outside for a moment?"
"I'll be back," Jude promised Connor. "Two seconds, okay?"
"Okay."
Lena pulled the hospital door closed most of the way so that Connor could eavesdrop, though Jude was sure that he was probably trying to do so.
"Please?" Jude asked. "He's never asked me to stay before and it's been a really bad day."
"Bad days are going to become more common, Jude. I don't want to keep you and Connor apart but it's not healthy for you to stay here all day and all night all the time."
"No, you don't understand. He almost got his kidney this morning but it didn't work out, that's why he's so hurt. I know it's going to get bad and I can't promise I'm not going to ask for this again, but it's important tonight. It's not a regular bad day."
Lena's face was incredibly easy to read and Jude knew that he had her sympathy.
"Okay, here's what we're going to do: you're going to come with me now, have dinner with us, and pack a small bag. Adam will see if it's all right for you to stay and call us. If it's okay, we'll bring you back. If it's not, you can have the phone tonight to call Connor. What do you think?"
"I think it's really fair," Jude said, though he knew how clingy Connor was and he didn't know if his friend would find it as a fair. "Thanks, Lena."
"I've never seen a friend go through this," Lena admitted to him. "And I can't imagine it seeing it happen so young but I want you to know that we're here for you and we want what's best for you."
"I know." Jude hugged one arm around himself. "I … I think I feel that. Thank you."
"Let's go in and talk to Connor."
Jude nodded and popped back into the room. Adam and Connor were both sitting on Connor's bed, looking like they were in a serious conversation, though Connor seemed uncomfortable because he looked up with relief on his face when Jude and Lena stepped back into the room. Jude explained what Lena had said and, just like he had predicted, Connor made a small face.
"No matter what, I'll be here as soon as I can tomorrow." He squeezed Connor's hand. "I'll see you soon."
"Promise."
"Promise," Jude said. "It'll be okay and tomorrow won't be as bad."
"You don't know that."
"I'll bet on it."
"Yeah? How much?"
"A chapter," Jude said. "A full chapter, all at once."
"You haven't read to me enough lately," Connor agreed. "Okay, but what if you win?"
"You do my homework for me when I get it."
"Jude," Lena said warningly, and he blushed. He'd forgotten that other people could hear them.
"Some. One worksheet." He glanced over his shoulder at Lena but she looked more amused than anything so he decided not to worry about it.
"Okay." Connor hugged him tightly. "Come back soon."
"That's not up to me."
"I know," Connor said. "But, when you come back, I'll help you with that letter. I'm feeling okay enough, now."
"You don't have to."
"I want to, Jude."
"Thank you," Jude whispered and then they reluctantly let go of one another.
Jude walked with Lena out to the car.
"We're having salmon for dinner," she said, making small talk on the drive. "Do you like it?"
"I like … almost everything, I think," Jude said. "Just not a fan of fast food."
"You told me your house had a lot of fast food."
"That was true."
"What about your parents?"
"Um, I don't have them. I mean, I guess I have a dad somewhere but Callie always told me that he killed our mom in a drunk driving accident and he went to jail, that's why we were in the system. Then, we had a whole bunch of bad foster parents and no one ever seemed to like me or Callie, really, so we got handed around until the last home."
"I'm sorry all that happened to you."
Jude shrugged, staring straight ahead. He could recognize the start of Stef's and Lena's street now. "No one can change anything now."
Lena parked in the driveway and Jude slipped out of the car. He padded up to the front door and the smell of good food filled the air. His stomach grumbled; he hadn't even realized that he was so hungry. He took off his shoes and headed upstairs immediately, going into his borrowed room. He put his bag down and immediately filled it with a change of clothes, his deodorant, and his toothbrush. He didn't think he'd need anything else overnight. He left the bag in his room and went back downstairs.
"Hi, Jude, how was your day?" Stef asked.
"Um, I was okay but it was a bad day for Connor so … not really a great day overall," Jude rambled.
"Lena already told me about the kidney. She said you might go back and spend the night."
"Hopefully. He really wanted me to stay and I want to spend the time with him." Jude sat on the stool. "Do you need help with anything?"
If he was staying in their house, he should offer.
"You can help us set the table," Stef said. "Thanks for offering."
Jude knew where most of the utensils and dishes were now and he clumsily navigated around Stef as she checked the temperature on the fish. He had the table mostly set by the time that Lena came downstairs, changed out of her work clothes and herding Jesus in front of her. He was complaining about one of the teachers at school.
"Mom told me you're homeschooling Jude. Can I get in on that?"
"You'd get bored and sick of me," Lena said. "And it's just a temporary arrangement."
"I'd be a good student!" Jesus insisted, grabbing a glass.
"Be a good student to the teachers you have," Lena recommended.
Jesus snorted. "Oh, but where's the fun in that?"
"You're not going to convince her," Stef said.
"I can try," Jesus said, and they all took their seats around the table. "You wouldn't do this for me, Mom?"
"You leave Mr. Gunther alone," Lena said. "It's his first year and he needs a little sympathy."
"He shouldn't be a teacher."
"Jesus," Lena warned.
"In my professional opinion."
"And what profession is that?" Stef asked.
"Professional student," Jesus responded and Jude smiled at the small joke. "I have years of knowledge and experience. I need a raise."
Lena laughed at him too. "Give him a chance. Everyone's first year is that hardest."
"And how is that fair to students?"
"Patience is a virtue," Lena said.
"Jude, do you have enough vegetables?" Stef asked, cutting underneath of their conversation.
"Yeah, I think so."
"Speak now or Jesus will inhale," Lena warned him.
"It's true," Jesus said.
"I'm good, really."
Jude shifted uncomfortably on the chair, though the dining room chairs were comfortable. He didn't know how to fit himself into the family discussions over dinner because, clearly, there was such a pattern to them. When both Mariana and Jesus were home for dinner, it was easy to just listen to the two of them, but it was rare that they were both home on the same night. Jude didn't have any idea how the two of them were so busy. Mariana, especially, seemed to do a little bit of everything and Jude had to wonder if she slept or if the hundred projects she always seemed to talk about kept her too busy to do so. He'd certainly never seen her asleep; the few times that he had crept to the bathroom in the middle of the night, the light in her room had been visible under the door.
"Speaking of school," Lena said, "Jude, I have some placement tests for you to take before we order the homeschooling materials. I need to know what grade level you're at."
"Okay."
"These aren't the worksheets to cash in for your bet."
"Technically, I won't win that until tomorrow is over," Jude said, trying to keep his expression neutral. It was only a matter of time before she found out how stupid he was and he wondered what she would say to him then. He wondered if she would give up on him, then.
"Then, try and get them done tomorrow," Lena said brightly.
Jude picked at his fish, forcing himself to eat everything on his plate. He couldn't waste food and he knew he needed to eat. When dinner was finished, he anxiously waited for Lena to look at her phone. It was a rule they had – no cell phones at the dinner table. The buzzers were even turned off, so Jude didn't even know if she had received any messages while they ate. He helped Jesus clear the table, Jesus's phone in his hand. He knew that Stef and Lena were checking their phones now too. He heard their voices murmur in the next room and he thought that he heard his name. Adam must have texted Lena. He hesitantly crept into the dining room again.
"Stef will drive you back to the hospital if you still want to go," Lena said. "Adam said that it was okay with the hospital and you can have the cot that he normally sleeps on. You'll have to be on best behaviour – it's a special arrangement, just for the night."
"Thank you," Jude breathed in relief.
"Go and pack some things and we'll go."
"I'm already packed," Jude admitted.
"Then go get your bag," she said with a grin.
Jude hurried up the stairs and picked up his backpack. He thudded back down the steps and pulled his shoes on. While Stef was getting her shoes on, Lena handed him a folder.
"In case you have time to start working on it, if not, we'll go through it when you get home tomorrow."
"Okay," Jude said, scared to even glance at the contents. Instead, he slid it in his bag.
He secured his bag back over his shoulder. By then, Stef was ready and he was back in the driveway before he knew it.
"You can always call if you need anything else or if you want to be picked up early. Hospitals are hard to sleep in."
"Have you been in the hospital before?" Jude asked, deflecting. He wouldn't want to be picked up early. He had promised Connor that he would be there.
"Yes. I had a bad altercation with a suspect once and I ended up in the hospital for several days. It gave Lena and I both quite a scare – this was only about a year or two ago. It was what finally got me to propose to her, though." Stef laughed at the memory. "We had been together for too long. Lena wanted to be married but I didn't see what a difference it would make. Hospitals put things in perspective."
"Yeah," Jude said. "There's too much to see and too much time to think. Connor had a friend there that died not that long ago and it scared me because it was fast. It screws you up."
"It does," Stef agreed and Jude was glad that she left it that. He knew how he felt; he didn't need an adult to explain it back to him. The fact that she just accepted how he felt was more than enough. She pulled up in front of the hospital. "You have everything you need?"
"Yes."
"We're not that far away."
"I know. Thank you."
"Call us when you wake up in the morning. Have a good night, Jude."
"I will. You too."
He closed the car door behind him and headed inside. The smell of hospital didn't even overwhelm him or catch his attention anymore. He was too used to the smell of it. He got into the elevator, noticing the little hitch it had every time that it passed floor three. He didn't know when he had gotten used to the details of the place but somehow, they had become engrained in his every day. He wondered, when he never had to come back to the hospital again, if he would still remember. He thought that he would. He thought that there were some things that a person couldn't forget. Like how pale Connor was but how happy he managed to look when Jude walked back into the room.
"I told you that you'd come back."
"Where's your dad?"
"In the cafeteria." Connor struggled to sit up.
"Don't bother," Jude said. "How are you feeling?"
"Tired. A little dizzy and a little nauseous but I don't think that I'm going to throw up."
"Right now," Jude said. "Did you eat supper?"
"What I could. Dad wants me to eat more but I can't. I just don't want it."
Jude took his place on the bed, feeling like he had never left. Connor's head rested down on his shoulder.
"I'm glad you're here."
"I'm glad I'm here too. Do you still feel okay enough to help me with my letter?"
"Of course."
Jude pulled the letter out of his bag, feeling bad that he had to dislodge Connor again so quickly after they had gotten comfortable. He pulled the envelope out of the bag and carefully opened it. It was a one page note, the lines full of Callie's loopy writing. Some of her letters bunched close together, some of them even looked like the same letter, and Jude knew that he couldn't have read through it on his own.
"I'm going to try and read it and you correct me when I'm wrong, just like normal."
Connor nodded and Jude cleared his throat.
"Dear Jude,
"I want you to be safe. I jess –"
"Guess."
"I guess if you're safe there, then that's what matters. Be a butter … No, wait, that doesn't make sense."
"That's an 'E'," Connor said, pointing down at the page.
"Oh, so it's 'better'," Jude said, and Connor nodded. "Better judge of char –"
"That's not a 'ch' sound."
"But it's a 'ch'!"
"I know."
"Language is stupid," Jude grumbled. "Okay, then what is it?"
"Character."
"There doesn't need to be an 'h' in that word."
"Probably not," Connor agreed.
"Does the word 'care' have an 'h' in it?"
"No."
"See, stupid." Jude looked back down at his letter. "Judge of character than I was. I know I can't help you from in here and that's what sucks the most. I can't protect you anymore. If they're good people, that's what matters and if they treat you okay, do what you can to stay with them. Be who they want you to be if it keeps you safe.
"I'm okay too. It's cold here and the food sucks but there's no burgers. I see my lawyer a lot but I don't know what's going to happen and I don't want to … What's that?"
"Jinx," Connor said quietly.
"Jinx it by telling you anything. I want to get out of here soon. The next time you can call me is Tuesday morning. I want you to call. I love you. Callie."
Jude stared down at the page, feeling like he wanted to cry but feeling like he couldn't cry. There was still some part of him that didn't really believe that Callie was that far gone from him; that she was in a detention centre, in a world that he didn't understand and that he wished she didn't. He didn't know what else to think or say to her. He had so seamlessly shared almost every detail of his life with her for so long; she had been his every day for so long. Sometimes, when he woke up, he was still stumped by Brandon's bedroom, because it wasn't the bleak, dirty walls that part of him almost missed, in a crazy way.
"You okay, Jude?"
"It's weird, to write to her, to have to make appointments and times to talk to her. She's my sister, she's supposed to be right there! I really want to see her! Even if I could convince Stef or Lena to just take me down there, I know she wouldn't see me. Even if she wanted to, even if I was right there. She's that stubborn that she might just say no because it wasn't her idea."
"So, that's a family trait."
"I never say no to you!" Jude pointed out.
"Yeah but that doesn't mean you're not stubborn. It just means I'm more annoying than you are stubborn."
"You're not annoying." You're hot, you're funny, your eyes are stupid and convincing.
"Then what am I?"
"A kid with a really good sob story."
"You gave into me before you knew the sob story," Connor said. "It's almost like we're friends or something."
Or something, Jude thought sarcastically. "Well, you lucked out with me."
Connor laughed. "I know, I know. Are you going to write back?"
Jude looked down at the page. "Yeah but I'm not sure what I want to say yet. She didn't ask me any questions or anything and I don't know what to tell her. I have to say something important or interesting."
"Just write her anything. If you used to tell her about your day, that's probably all she wants to hear."
Jude ran his thumb over the thin page. "You might be right."
"Might," Jude said but there wasn't as much punch in the tone as he wanted there to be. Connor definitely had a point – one that Jude had never really thought about.
He looked up as Adam came into the room.
"Jude, you're back."
Jude nodded as Connor snuggled into his arm, hiding his face away from his father. Jude looked down at him curiously, wondering what had happened in the hour and a half he'd been gone.
"They'll bring a cot in for you to sleep in and put it out of the way, just in case something happens during the night."
Jude didn't want to think about something happening to Connor in the middle of the night.
"I won't stay tonight if you've got Jude," Adam said. "I'll see you tomorrow, before work, okay?"
"Okay. Bye, Dad."
"I love you."
"Love you too."
Adam left the two of them alone and Connor slipped down the bed, his head leaning back against the pillows.
"What time do you go to sleep?"
"Early. They get me up early and medication has to come on a regular schedule so it's probably going to be annoying for you but I'm really glad you're here."
"Do you want to talk about this morning? About the kidney."
"I don't have a new kidney. I thought it was happening." Connor let go of Jude and held his own hands in his lap, staring down at them. "I thought, for a moment, that I really was gonna get to live. How many chances do people really get? My chance was blown for me. I'm cursed, Jude, I have to be."
"You'll get another chance."
"One chance was a big deal." Connor looked up at him. "I don't know how to make you see how big of a deal. A match is hard to find and it's probably not going to happen again."
"You have to think it will. You can't just sit around waiting to die."
"I can't sit around and wait to live, either!" Tears brimmed in Connor's eyes. "I say that but I did all homework. Even the calc. Last night, after you left, but before bed. Dad didn't even tell me to."
"Oh," Jude said, unsure of what to say to that. What could he say? He didn't know how to help Connor and that frustrated him because he was here to help Connor. It was what he wanted to do. "You don't know what's going to happen."
"I just want it to happen. I just hate sitting here, getting worse with no way to help myself."
"Maybe something will happen, something good. Maybe they'll fix you."
Connor shook his head slightly and then he looked up at Jude. "Sorry. I'm making you sad."
It all made Jude sad. The fact that he and Connor couldn't get hot chocolate or sit on the beach or walk around like they did in the short time they'd had before the hospital made Jude sad. The fact that he knew the way Connor gripped him in pain versus just held onto him or he knew how Connor sounded when he threw up or how Connor's eyes clouded when he was on his medication made Jude sad. The fact that Connor was fifteen and Adam was just hoping that he turned sixteen while Jude hoped that Connor was still in the room when he walked in every morning and there was nothing that anybody could do to fix him made Jude sad. Jude would rather be sad and be sitting with him because he knew that it was likely there would be a time when he would be sad without him and that was absolutely going to be worse.
"It's okay. I'm here to listen. That's what friends are for."
Connor let go of his own hand and picked Jude's up again. He closed his eyes and settled his head down against Jude.
"Lena gave me placement tests so that she would know what grade level materials to order for me for school."
Connor let out a single chuckle. "This will prove that you're smarter than a kindergartener."
"Yeah but maybe not a first grader," Jude snorted. "I know I have to but I'm worried she's going to think I'm too stupid to help."
"You're not stupid. You learn quickly and she's going to love that. Ms. Adams is the type of teacher that actually does just want to see you trying, even if you fail sometimes along the way. She will push you, which can get kind of annoying, especially when you actually feel like it's something that you can't do but I know she's going to help you."
"I don't want to be stupid."
"It's not your fault you don't know this stuff, right?"
"No, not really," Jude had to admit. "I just don't want to tell anyone. Callie doesn't even know."
"You told me."
"Yeah, well, you bullied it out of me."
"I did not!"
"Read the book, Jude, it's a great book, Jude, borrow my book, Jude."
"I didn't say any of that," Connor said. "I barely knew you! I just wanted to share the book!"
"You're as bad as those street preachers, shoving that thing down everyone's throat," Jude grumbled.
"No, just you, but I knew you'd like it and I knew you'd really understand it."
"I'm not finished yet."
"I know," Connor said. "Will you read to me now?"
Jude could only agree to the simple request and he dug the book out of his bag. He lined the pens and sticky notes and dictionary along Connor's bedside tray but, more often that not now, Connor had Jude write his own words down on the sticky notes. Jude couldn't say for sure if it was part of Connor's plan to teach him how to write or if it was because Connor couldn't make himself do it anymore. Jude could see a difference in how shaky Connor's writing could get at times and, so, he tended toward the latter. He spread the book out on his lap and picked up where they left off, pausing every so often so Connor could parrot the words back to him. Jude knew that he wanted to get it memorized. He read until it was time for bed and he changed into his pyjamas in the bathroom while the nurse was with Connor. He slipped back out into the main room to find that the lights had been dimmed, though it wasn't completely dark. There was a strange feel to being in a hospital at night; everything was hushed. Jude sat on the edge of Connor's bed, watching Connor fiddle with the brim of his hat. He waited patiently until Connor sighed and admitted, "I don't sleep with it on."
"Then, take it off."
"You'll see my head."
"I've seen your head."
"When I was really sick," Connor protested. "I didn't care about anything then!"
"Come on, it's just me," Jude said. "You don't have to hide anything from me … anymore."
"That was a cheap shot."
"Maybe. You're going to pass out soon anyway and I'll just have to pull it off of you so you don't get an itchy head while you sleep."
"So, you're saying it's just easier for you if I take my hat off now."
"One less thing for me to worry about. You don't want me to worry, right?"
"That was definitely a cheap shot."
"Yeah, it was," Jude admitted.
Connor shook his head and then yanked the blue toque off, folding it in half and sitting it on his bedside table. Jude tried to keep his eyes firmly on Connor's face to keep Connor from being too self-conscious but staring at Connor's face held its own pitfalls for Jude; he kept getting distracted by Connor's lips.
"Will you read to me until I fall asleep?"
"Okay," Jude agreed. "It's what I'm here for."
"I'm really glad you're here."
"I'm really glad I'm here too."
Jude opened the book and fought to make himself comfortable, since the bed was now lying down instead of sitting up. He ended up having to retrieve the extra pillows from the cot and propped himself up. He held the book up to his face, starting to read. It took less than half the chapter for Connor to fall asleep, his head resting against Jude. Connor was so wrapped around him that Jude felt bad for moving, even though he knew that there was a good chance that Connor wouldn't wake up. Besides, he reasoned, if it was a normal sleepover and he was spending the night at Connor's, they would be sharing a bed anyway. Connor's bed was bigger than the hospital bed and it kept the two of them close together. Jude could hardly begin to complain about that. He slid the book onto the bedside table and tucked himself back down against Connor. Despite the odd sounds of the hospital, Jude was able to fall asleep, feeling secure for once.
(-.-)
Connor looked down at Jude, still asleep. He was surprised that Jude hadn't woken, even as the hospital started to brighten and more sounds were coming from the hallway. He didn't think of Jude as a heavy sleeper and he wondered if Jude had trouble getting to sleep. He looked down at his best friend and he couldn't help himself – he smoothed the blue strands off Jude's forehead, wishing that he could touch him more, wishing that he could kiss him. He wished he could kiss his lips or his forehead or any part of him. The thoughts were surprisingly mushy but when it came to Jude, none of Connor's thoughts surprised him anymore. He looked over Jude's head, to where his copy of To Kill A Mockingbird rested. Moving carefully, he picked up the book and one of the pens they had left sitting there overnight.
Connor turned to the back page of the book. There were no extra pages; just the blank back of the last page and the blank side of the back cover. It wasn't a lot of room but Connor would take it. He knew that Jude wasn't going to read fast enough to get to the end of the book before he died and his fingers started shaking at the thought of it. He took a deep breath and put the pen to the paper. He had to write a goodbye to Jude but he didn't know how to say it. He just wanted Jude to have something written down – not spoken words that he had to try to remember.
Jude,
Thank you for being the best friend anyone's ever had. Thank you for all of the time that you spent with me and thank you for all the good memories. You made my last days a lot better than they could have been. I know you're going to do a lot of amazing things when you grow up. You're smart and funny and anyone who knows you is lucky. Don't doubt yourself anymore! If there's an afterlife, I'll remember you. Even if there's not, I think I'll remember you anyway. You'll always be my best friend and I love you for that.
Miss you always,
Connor.
Connor stared down at the page, wondering if it was enough or if there was more that he should say. But he didn't want to overwrite. He didn't want the things that he really wanted Jude to know to get lost in a mess of words. Short and sweet was the way to go. He carefully put things back the way that they had been, though he doubted that Jude was paying enough attention to notice that the book had shifted the smallest bit. Jude didn't look like he was about to wake up any time soon and so Connor picked up his mother's copy of the book. He didn't open it to read it; he just let the pages blur together, looking at his comments and the words that had been underlined. If he said goodbye to Jude, he should leave his father something better. He thought of Jake, spending time to put a speech together for his mother. Whatever he said to Adam, needed to be perfect and he knew that. He and Adam had fought too much since his mother had died for Connor to offer him anything less than perfect.
He turned to the last page of the book, reading the last line. He would be there all night, and he would be there when Jem waked up in the morning. He didn't know what he was expecting to find in the words. He didn't know what they had expected to say. Connor had read and finished the book at least a dozen different times and had read those words in many different moods. Maybe it was because had skipped chapters to get here and still needed to do more reading but he didn't find what he was looking for in the book.
Finally, Jude stretched. Connor glanced down as his friend stretched out and yawned, finally opening his dark eyes and squinting up at Connor.
"You put your hat back on."
"That shouldn't surprise you."
"I guess it doesn't." Jude sat up and stretched again. "Morning."
"Morning."
Connor fiercely wished that they were home, waking up in his room, so that they could go downstairs and make French toast while Jelly begged for scraps she wasn't allowed to have. He missed his normal. He missed his cat. He missed everything that existed outside of his hospital room.
"How'd you sleep?" Connor asked.
"Better than expected," Jude said. "I thought sounds would keep me up all night."
"They didn't?"
"No," Jude said. "I think I slept better than I have in Brandon's bed. I still kind of feel like an intruder there. How do you feel?"
"Okay. No better, no worse."
"Good news, I guess," Jude mused. "Um, I told Stef I'd call when I woke up."
"Okay."
Jude picked up the phone and carefully dialled the phone number. He perched on Connor's bed.
"Hi, it's Jude … Yeah, Connor and I both are awake … Um, no, it was okay. Nothing happened … Yeah, that would be okay … Right … All right. I'll see you soon … Bye, Stef."
"You're leaving," Connor guessed.
"Yeah. They want me to come back and eat breakfast and shower and stuff. I'll be back later, for real visiting hours."
"We'll answer Callie's letter."
Jude smiled. "Thanks. I'll need help."
"Less than you might think."
"Lena's probably going to make me take those tests this morning," Jude groaned. "What do I do? What do I say?"
"Do your best. Tell her the truth. Ms. Adams is really understanding. And she's, like, your parent now."
"Is your dad always super understanding?"
"Dad's not Ms. Adams," Connor said. "He understands himself."
Jude let out a laugh. "Okay, I should put clothes on. She said it wouldn't take long."
Connor watched Jude walk into the bathroom, feeling strangely lonely as Jude shut the door behind him. He knew that it wasn't fair and that he couldn't always keep Jude with him but he wanted to. He tried not to look like he was sulking as Jude popped back out and packed up his bag.
"See you later."
"Bye, Jude."
"Bye."
Connor watched his friend walk out the door and he flopped his head back against his pillow, feeling lost.
(-.-)
Jude finished his tests and handed them over to Lena, who was sitting at the other end of her dining room table.
"I don't know anymore," he admitted weakly.
"Well, that's okay. These are just placement tests, you don't need to know everything."
"I … don't know anything," Jude said before she could even look at the tests. "I don't. My reading sucks and my writing is worse and math and every other subject is really far over my head."
"Honey –"
"I don't want you to think I'm stupid!" Jude blurted, his fears bubbling over. "But I feel stupid. I had a foster father that used to hit me and wasn't good at hiding it so he kept me at home a lot and by the time Callie and I were moved out of the home, I was too far behind so I didn't learn anything new and then we had to run away and I … Connor taught me how to read in September."
Lena placed her hands flat over the papers. "Oh, Jude –"
"And he taught me how to write too," Jude said. "So, he can't die because he needs to get me through school."
Lena quickly left her chair to crouch next to him. Jude hid his face away in his hands, too embarrassed by his outburst to even glance at her.
"Jude, honey, it's okay. You're here now and we're going to get you all of the help that you need. You don't need to be ashamed of not knowing something. Everyone's learning is different. And, as for Connor, what will happen will happen, as hard as that is to hear. You'll always have the things that he taught you and you have to use the things he taught you and keep him close."
Jude closed his eyes.
"What can I do to help?"
Jude just shook his head. "I don't know. I … don't want to sit here anymore."
"Do you want to go for a walk or a drive?" Lena asked. "Do you want to get out of here?"
"Can I go sit by myself? Actually, I want to look something up … Do you have a computer?"
"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it more?"
"Totally sure. I mean, you're going to bring it up again later so I'd rather just wait for later."
"Okay. I'm right here if you change your mind."
Jude took her laptop to the living room and sat down on the couch with it. He opened the search engine and stared down at the keyboard and then he typed in kidney donations. He clicked on the first link that came up and found a tab asking Thinking Of Becoming A Living Donor? He clicked on that too and felt the need to glance over his shoulder to make sure that no one was reading over his shoulder. He felt like he was trespassing on something by looking at the page. He found a page describing who could be a donor and found himself squinting at the computer screen. It was so march harder to read off the bright screen than it was to read off the pages of Connor's book. He forced himself to read on, feeling like he had to know. Most of the donors in the state were over eighteen but there was a handful of donors that were under that age and Jude's stomach twisted as he looked at all the other requirements. Donors needed to be in good health, donors needed to go through medical screening and a psychiatric screening. Jude had to look up what psychiatric was and then decided that it made sense to have one of those too.
Jude stared at the screen and his stomach twisted as he thought: I could give a kidney.
He started again with a new search: how to know if you're a kidney match. The first one was a blood test, which seemed simple and harmless. The next step was tissue typing and Jude squeezed the skin of his arm as he looked down at the explanation, trying to keep his head from swimming. It told him that unrelated donors were unlikely to be a match but he also knew that it was Connor's only chance. Blood relatives couldn't be the only people to give kidneys, otherwise there would be no point to all of the research that he had in front of him. The site he was looking at didn't tell him how it was done and he had to go on another search to see what it involved and, as far as Jude could tell, it was just more blood stuff. And, then, the following one was yet another type of blood test. It didn't seem so scary to get tested.
He went back to his original page, looking again at all the medical tests he would have to go through to even be considered a donor, let alone seeing if he could give a kidney to Connor. Even if he wasn't a match for Connor, Jude thought that he should do it anyway. It was like Adam said – it was about trying to keep someone else from feeling the way that they felt now. He moved onto the tab about after risks.
The first thing the page did was warn him about the risks of anesthesia and Jude decided to worry about how to pronounce that later. He pinched his stomach reading the quick paragraph about the surgery and that was when he realized he had no idea where, exactly, his kidneys were in his chest. He supposed he didn't have to. The doctor would know. That wasn't going to be a quiz question on his evaluation. Or was it? Jude's head swam and he jumped down to the list of surgical complications. It wasn't a long list, which left Jude hopeful, until he actually read the words: pain, infection, blood loss (requiring transfusions), blood clots, allergic reactions to anesthesia, pneumonia, injury to surrounding tissue or other organs, and even death. It went on to say that the leftover kidney would get bigger and that people who only had one had a greater risk of high blood pressure, proteinuria, reduced kidney function, and the chance that their own kidney function could go in the remaining one.
Jude breathed an audible sigh of relief that the next line explained that ninety five percent of donors had no complications. Ninety-five was a lot!
The last bit of the page talked about the psychological symptoms. It warned him that if the donated organ failed in the recipient, it could lead to mental issues, as could any medical problems for either of them after surgery. It warned of scarring and body image issues. Donors could be at risk for feelings of regret, resentment, or anger, and have issues with anxiety or depression.
Jude read and reread the pages and then he closed the page and shut his laptop. None of it mattered if he wasn't a match. He heard the front door open and Stef and Mariana let themselves back into the house, carrying groceries and calling out for Lena. Mariana was out almost as soon as she was in and Jude knew that he had to take advantage of being alone with Stef and Lena. Connor was expecting him back at the hospital in just an hour. He got up from the couch, surprised to find that his legs were shaking and he felt like he couldn't stand up right. He took a deep breath and looked down at the laptop. He wasn't afraid of what he was thinking about; he was afraid of what Stef and Lena were going to say about it.
He poked his head around the kitchen doorway where Stef and Lena were putting the groceries away. He stepped fully into the kitchen and Lena glanced over her shoulder.
"Jude, I'm almost finished with the grading."
"Okay. Um, there's something I want to talk to you about."
"Anything," Stef said.
"It's important."
Something must have been in his tone. They both turned toward him.
"What is it? Is something okay?" Lena asked.
"I want to get tested to see if I can be a kidney donor for Connor."
"Oh, Jude, that's a very noble thought but –"
"I did the research," Jude blurted, interrupting Stef. "Getting tested won't hurt me. I need to know. It's going to drive me crazy forever if I don't know whether or not I am! Please, say yes. Please?"
"Love, it's not about us saying 'yes'." Stef looked over at Lena and then guided him into one of the island stools. They surrounded him on either side but it didn't feel suffocating. "You're our foster son and, unfortunately, that makes a difference. We need to make sure that we can say yes."
"And, we need to look really seriously at what getting tested entails and what going through something like that is like. Jude, it's a very real possibility that even if you are a match, you might not be able to donate. You're fifteen and a foster child."
"They're not going to let Connor die because of that." Jude stared into Lena's eyes, wanting to see something other than doubt. He looked away from her and into Stef's eyes. "Are they?"
"One bridge at a time. We'll see if you can even get tested."
Jude nodded, unable to say anything. "I'm allowed to call Callie on Tuesday."
"There's no way we'll forget," Stef promised. "We'll see if we can convince her to let us go see her."
Us. We. Jude didn't feel so alone when they talked like that and it was a comfort.
"I'm going to go see Connor now. Um, I don't want to tell him that I'm doing this until I know whether or not it works. You won't tell him, will you, Lena?"
"No, of course not," Lena promised. "Would you like a drive?"
"No. I feel kind of antsy. I'd like to walk."
"We'll come pick you up at the normal time, then."
"Thanks."
Jude put on his jacket and slung his bag over his shoulder and headed out the front door. He let the late January breeze sweep across his face and he tugged his hood up over his hair. He took a deep breath, feeling his thoughts swirling together until he wasn't thinking of anything at all, just completely zoning out. Arriving at the hospital was a surprise; he hadn't realized he had been walking that long or that fast. He headed back up to Connor's room. Walking into the room, he felt like no time had passed at all, but it was a common feeling when he was back in Connor's room.
"Hey."
"Hey. How was home?"
"Fine, boring."
Connor nodded and then turned his head toward the window. "I want to go home."
"Maybe you will, soon."
"Can I tell you a secret, Jude?"
"Sure."
"I've been thinking about asking my dad to let me go home, you know, when I get sicker and be there instead of dying here."
"You're not going to die."
"You can keep saying that –"
" – and I will."
"I can't stop you," Connor said.
"You seem awake."
"Pain drugs. The happy kind, not the make-me-dead-and-sleepy kind."
"Ah."
"I can still help you with the letter, if you're ready to write it."
Jude took the notebook out of his bag and sat down on Connor's bed, turning to a fresh page in the notebook.
"Yeah, I'm ready."
He had to be.
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: The Greatest Story Ever Told by Oliver James; and Heart by The Pretty Reckless.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~