Jude sat with his hands folded neatly in his lap, staring down at his own fingers. Stef and Lena sat on either side of him and he tried not to shake. He stared up into Stef's face, trying to read what was on her mind or what she had heard on the phone but he couldn't get anything from her and so he went back to staring at his own fingers.

"Jude, whatever happens with this, know that it's not your fault."

"Did they say I could get tested or not?" Jude demanded, not particularly in the mood for Lena's comforting mood.

"Yes. They agreed to let you get tested." Jude wanted to start smiling but something in her look kept him from doing so yet. "But, if it turns out you are a match, that's going to be a whole other fight on its own, Jude. You're a minor and a foster kid."

"I'll win. They're not going to let someone die because of anything like that, right?" He looked anxiously over at Lena when Stef offered no reassurance. "Right?"

"It's going to be a fight."

"It's someone's life. What's there to fight about?"

"There's no need to get so upset about it when we don't even know if you're a match or not," Lena said. "We're going to have to go through this one step at a time."

"Thursday morning is when you go in for your first round of evaluation. I'll go with you," Stef said. "That's step one."

"Step one," Jude repeated but he was already thinking of the end. He was thinking of the end where Connor would have a kidney and Connor would live and Jude would really get to see whether or not they were friends in ten years.

I think I'm kind of in love with you.

It had to work. Jude definitely loved him back.

"Jude, look at me," Stef said. "If you aren't a match, it's not your fault. Even if you are a match and he doesn't get the kidney, that's not your fault. Nothing that happens is your fault."

"I read all of the websites," Jude said. "They said that. But it will be my fault. If I'm a match, it will be my fault. I need to know whether or not I am a match and if I am, he's going to get my kidney. If the kidney doesn't take, I'll be mad about it, but that's not about me, and I'll know that. But, if I am a match and he doesn't get it? I'll never get over that."

"Oh, Jude," Lena said. "No, honey. It won't be your fault. What you are doing now is amazing. What you are doing now is more than enough. You are going above and beyond what it means to be a good friend. This is enough."

"It doesn't feel like I could do enough," Jude said. "Sitting there and watching him, I just keep thinking that he'd do it for me. I know he would. And, I keep thinking, someone like Connor doesn't deserve to die. We're just kids. He deserves a better chance than this!"

Lena started rubbing his back and Jude hid his face in his hands. He wasn't going to cry. It was good news! He was allowed to get tested! He would know, for better or worse, if he was a match, and he wouldn't have to wonder anymore. He wondered if the knowing would help, if the answer was no, or if it was going to be worse to have that hope taken away too.

"Are you okay? You don't have to go through with this if it upsets you. No one is making you and no one is going to be mad at you if you can't do it," Stef said.

Jude couldn't help but think of Adam. If he had any idea that it was happening, he knew that he would be upset if it didn't work out. He knew Adam wouldn't force him. They weren't going to force him but he was going to force himself. He had to do it. For Connor, for him, however it ended up working out, he needed to know and that had to count for something. He was making his own decision about this. It was his body, his kidney, and the only decision that should matter when it came to that was his.

"I'm not upset by the thought of giving it to Connor or any of the tests or anything. I'm upset if they say no because there's no good reason to!"

"Take a deep breath," Lena advised. "We're not there yet and we need to talk about this some more because if this gets you so worked up, then it's definitely not a good idea."

"I'm not worked up," Jude said, stubbornly crossing his arms and holding them down tightly against his chest.

"Jude," Lena said, giving him a look that he already knew too well. He tried not to pull a face.

"Step one," Jude said. "And, I still don't want to tell Connor."

"We won't," Stef promised. "We're going to be here every step of the way with you. You aren't going to be alone through this because it's a big deal. No matter the outcome, the fact that you are doing this is a big thing."

"It's a bigger thing for Connor," Jude mumbled.

"No," Lena corrected. "You can't think like that. Connor is going through a lot but just because he is going through something doesn't mean that this doesn't mean anything. This might make you feel good, it might make you feel bad, and whatever you feel, it's okay to feel it. It's okay to express it. Things can be hard for you even if they're also hard for Connor. That doesn't invalidate what you feel."

Jude couldn't look at her anymore. Somewhere, deep within him, he could recognize a flicker of truth in her words, but he didn't want to think about it or admit it. He knew he was going to have to get his thoughts and words in order before they sent him in for the psychiatric evaluation the websites had talked about – if he even got that far. He might fail halfway through. He exhaled heavily. There were too many ifs and maybes. It was why Lena and Stef were right. He just had to calm down. He had to look at the steps in front of him instead of the end result. But that was easier said than done because all Jude could do was picture Connor's face when Jude got to tell him that he was getting a kidney.

He could see it so clearly that it had to become reality. It had to.

"Jude?" Stef prompted. "What are you thinking?"

"A lot of things. Too many things. I don't know."

Lena rubbed his shoulder. "Well, let's go have dinner and think about it. Give ourselves some breathing room. How does that sound?"

Jude nodded and then followed the two of them to the table, wondering if he could even figure out how to eat.

(-.-)

Jude realized, sitting in the doctor's office on Thursday morning, that he couldn't remember the last time that he had seen a doctor, let alone had a full physical. He had surely seen doctors during his time in the system but he just didn't remember it. Stef had come with him today and she was still carefully reading over the form on history that they had been asked to fill out. Jude had to admit that he didn't know anything about his family history and that made him anxious. Could they deny him on the fact the he didn't know if his father's family had a history of heart attacks? Probably. They could deny him on whatever they wanted to and Jude tried not to look frustrated and reminded himself that the rules weren't about him. The rules were to keep people safe and healthy. That was what he wanted Connor to be: safe and healthy. If they didn't follow the rules and someone got hurt, it would be even worse. It was something that he had to keep thinking over and over again. Otherwise, he knew he'd take whatever happened too personally and if Stef and Lena already thought he was too worked up, who knew what they would think of him then?

Maybe they'd think he was too emotional and that they should get rid of him.

Jude shook his head, both to answer Stef and to clear his thoughts. Step one, he reminded himself. "No, I've never had a cigarette at all. A lot of people used to smoke downstairs but I was never around them and I barely even smelt it … They smoked inside, not out, and we never had windows or anything open …"

Jude stopped himself. That was way too many details for one simple question.

"What about drinking?"

"Um, I had one beer at Christmas and that was the only thing I've ever had to drink."

Stef smiled and Jude was sure that she was laughing at him.

"What about sex?"

Jude shook his head. "Nope, never."

"It's okay, Jude. I'm not going to judge you but it is important that the doctors know the real answers. I know it's a sensitive topic."

"I've never had sex," Jude said. "I've only ever had one kiss. How could I have sex?"

"All right," Stef said, and Jude was glad that it really looked like she believed him and wasn't humouring him.

"What about vaccinations? Do you know if you have all of those?"

"I do. Callie would make me go to the free clinic and get a flu shot every year and she said that I had to because I've had all my shots before and she wasn't going to let me get rabies now."

"And you're sure she meant vaccinations and not just the previous year's flu shot?"

"Yeah because she said it even before I had my first flu shot. I have all my baby vaccinations and stuff. I had parents then."

Stef finished off the sheet and took the form up to the receptionist. It only took a few minutes before they were led to an examination room. Jude hopped up on the bed.

"I don't have to be in the room with you, Jude, so if at any point you feel uncomfortable, just let me know and I'll wait outside."

It didn't even take Jude a half-second to decide. "I don't want to be alone with someone I don't know."

"Then, here I sit." She took a seat in one of the visitor's chairs and Jude walked the door until it opened.

"Hello, Jude. My name is Dr. Drew." A tall woman with a long red ponytail shut the door behind her and smiled brightly. "How are you feeling today?"

"Feeling good," Jude said, realizing that it wasn't what people usually said when they went into the doctor's office.

"All right. I see we're here for a full physical. We're going to start with a few questions, some blood pressure, easy stuff."

Jude nodded. She asked him a few questions and then she secured a cuff around his arm.

"It's going to get a little tight but it's only going to last a minute."

Jude stared down with interest as it began to constrict around his bicep. It went a little too tight, making his fingers tingle. Then, as soon as it was almost too tight, the band let go.

"All right, one ten over seventy. Perfectly normal!"

Jude followed all of her instructions as she took his temperature, listened to his breathing, and listened to his heart. After everything she let out a bright smile and told him that everything was normal and just as she expected. She rubbed his throat and looked in his mouth and Jude let out a long 'ahh' as requested. She looked at his eyes and ears, explaining everything to him as she went, asking often if he had any questions. He always shook his head and let her continue on to the next thing. She looked over most of his upper body and then she leant back.

"Jude, the next part is a testicular exam. My male partner should be free in about ten minutes if you would prefer a man to do it."

"No, I like you," Jude said.

"Would you feel more comfortable if your guardian was in or out of the room?"

Jude looked over at Stef. This was what she meant when she had offered to leave the room.

"Could you, maybe, just look at the wall or something?"

"Okay."

Stef turned the chair around and Jude took off his pants. He just followed her instructions like before and tried not to think too hard about it. Dr. Drew moved in entirely clinical movements, doing things quickly and efficiently, and he didn't have time to get embarrassed about it.

"Okay, Jude, we're all done. You can get dressed again."

"Is that it?"

"I'm just going to order a few lab tests since I see that this is for a potential kidney donation?"

"Yes."

"And we don't have a lot of background on you so I'd rather double check everything."

"Okay."

"It's just some blood. It won't hurt at all."

Jude still didn't look when the blood was drawn.

"All right. Now, we're all done. You should get your lab results sometime next week."

"Thank you," Stef said, and Jude echoed it.

He followed her out from the doctor's office.

"So, how do you feel?"

Jude took a moment to think about her question. "I feel … good. I feel like it's a good thing. The right thing."

"Good."

They climbed into the car.

"So, to see Connor?"

"Yes."

"Do you have your schoolwork?"

"Yes. I told Lena I'd try and look at all of it before we sat down tonight for work."

"I have a name and number of a doctor they recommended for the psychiatric evaluation. We can set that up before we get the medical results back. If you agree, I'll do that for Monday morning."

"Thursday morning. That's when Connor has dialysis."

"All right. Thursday morning."

They pulled up in front of the hospital.

"Mama will pick you up later."

"Oh. All right. Thanks for the drive."

"See you at home, later."

"Bye."

Jude hopped out of the car and headed upstairs into Connor's room. Connor was curled up in bed, his eyes half-closed, looking toward the TV but Jude could tell he wasn't really watching it. They had seen enough of this cartoon to know that neither of them liked it at all.

"Hey, how are you?"

"No," Connor whispered.

"You been sick?"

"Four times."

Jude dropped his bag down by the chair and took a seat in it.

"You in any pain?"

"Yeah. Always, now."

Jude closed his eyes, taking a steadying breath. He was so, so tempted to tell Connor where he was this morning but he wasn't about to let Connor's hopes go up along with Jude's.

"I'm sorry."

"We knew this would happen." Connor sighed. "Do you have homework?"

"Yeah but I'm not going to make you help me today. You're too sick."

"They're giving me the hazy drug again. It'll take me a while to be normal after I wake up."

"I know," Jude said. "But it's not your job to make sure that I have my homework done."

"I'm your tutor," Connor said, trying to smile at him, though it was so weak that it just made Jude sad. "It is my job."

"Okay. I'll dig it out but don't worry about it."

Connor closed his eyes. "Can I be honest with you without you getting mad?"

"Yeah, okay." Say it again, Jude whispered, his heart thumping in his chest. Every time Connor took his medication again, Jude waited for the conversation to come back. He waited for Connor to admit that he remembered saying it but was too embarrassed to admit it. He waited for Connor to say it again. Jude knew, though, that the haziness was real. Connor didn't remember what they had talked about it right before his nap consistently. "Promise. I won't get mad."

"I was really, really worried about you, especially when I died and there was no one taking care of you, but ever since you moved in with Ms. Adams, I've been worried a lot less. I'm really sorry about Callie and I want her to be okay but I don't want you in the same place you were before. I know you're safe. I know Ms. Adams will keep you safe. I knew Dad would be okay, eventually, but I was worried about you. It makes dying easier to think about."

"Connor –"

"You said you wouldn't be mad."

Jude hung his head down, blinking rapidly. "I'm not mad."

"Are you crying? Jude, I'm sorry."

Connor stretched his hand out and Jude grabbed his.

"I hate the thought of you dying. I hate you talking about it! I don't want you to die!"

"I know. I'm sorry. But, I want to tell you everything. I still have time to tell you everything."

Jude looked up, feeling a tear escape his eyes and trickle down his cheek but he didn't take the time to brush it away. "What's everything?"

"I'm not sure yet." There was something in Connor's expression that made Jude think that Connor did know and Jude was sure they were thinking the same thing. "Homework?"

"Is that really what you want to talk about?"

"I want to feel normal while I still can feel normal. That's leaving too, though. And I just … Come on. We'll go crazy in this room if we don't."

There was some truth to that. Jude pulled his homework from the bag and set up next to Connor's bed. They slowly worked through the math first since that was the part that Jude needed the most help with. Nurse Mac came in and Connor stared at him distrustfully.

"Is it the same stuff?" he asked flatly.

"Unfortunately."

"When can I have something else?"

"That's a question for Dr. Meyer when she pops in later."

"I've asked her. She says that she's working on it but that I still have to be patient for another day or two."

"Then, I suggest you be patient for another day or two."

Connor clearly didn't appreciate the answer and he rolled his eyes at Jude.

"I'll see you after lunch," Nurse Mac said to Connor and Connor just grunted.

When the nurse was gone, Connor looked at Jude. "Come be my pillow."

"I don't want to make you dizzy. You usually don't like it after dialysis."

"I'm asking. Be here when I sleep."

Jude took his spot on the bed and Connor curled around him, closing his eyes.

"Be here when I wake up."

"Aren't I always?"

"Yeah."

Jude adjusted Connor's arm on his chest and went back to his homework but he let himself get distracted by the TV more often than not. Valentine's Day ads kept scrolling across the screen and Jude couldn't help but look down at Connor every time it did. He didn't think much of the holiday because he'd never thought much of romance. He'd never gotten close enough to someone before to have a crush. There'd never been someone to make him think that maybe he should pay attention to February fourteenth as more than a day. There had been nobody until Connor and Jude firmly believed that it would still be nobody if Connor hadn't been exactly who he was.

"I love you too," Jude whispered. He wasn't sure why he kept saying it while Connor was sleeping. Maybe he was hoping Connor would actually be awake and hear the confession and say it back. Maybe he wanted to words to leak into Connor's subconscious and Connor would wake up and they'd talk about it when he was aware. Maybe Jude just wanted to say it because he knew he'd never have the strength to say it unprompted to Connor's face.

He attempted to go back to the science sheet that he was supposed to read and answer questions on to prepare for his science lesson with Lena tonight but the words just didn't mean anything. There was a jewellery ad on TV. He couldn't afford jewellery and wouldn't be buying the swirly, shiny pendant even if he could, but the ad still had Jude's attention. Connor liked Valentine's Day and Jude knew no one had ever done anything Valentine's Day related for him. Jude knew he was likely just going to get one Valentine's Day with Connor. He'd wasted their one Christmas by not knowing it was their one Christmas. And, even though Jude wasn't a fan of either holiday or holidays in general, Christmas was more of a holiday.

But, what could Jude do?

He wasn't quite brave enough to do something romantic for the romantic day and he was a little stumped at what to do for it. Connor didn't want for much. He was less than interested in much outside of his mother's book, lately, despite the things that Adam had brought from him. It wasn't as though Jude had money, either, and he felt bad enough about the bit of money Stef had gifted him, 'just in case he needed it'. He couldn't ask them for money, especially if he had to admit that it was a Valentine's Day present for Connor. He didn't want to know what they'd think of him after. He didn't think they were hypocrites or would turn him out but he was too scared to be wrong. He was too scared to let that truth out because what if he still wasn't safe?

And that didn't solve his original dilemma: what could he give that money couldn't buy? A kidney match would have been a gift to end all gifts but that wasn't going to happen by tomorrow. If it even happened at all.

Focus, Jude.

He looked around the room. Christmas shopping had been easy. There hadn't been rules for that. There was no inspiration to be found in Connor's blanket or videogame console. His bedside table just contained To Kill A Mockingbird and a collection of different coloured pens. His homework and textbooks were packed into the messenger bag Connor had carried before, back when he went places. Jude squinted at the bag. Where would Connor go, if he could? Connor just wanted to go home and what could Jude bring him from home that Adam hadn't thought of?

Oh.

Moving slowly, Jude untangled himself from Connor's sleeping body, which thumped heavily back onto his pillows. Jude watched him for any signs of wakefulness but Connor didn't so much as let out a sigh. Jude opened Connor's bag, patting the pockets until he heard a jingle that was either keys or change and Jude knew Connor kept his change in his wallet. He slid the keys into his own backpack, putting them in the same pocket where his house key to Stef's and Lena's stayed. He didn't see why Connor or Adam would notice the keys missing from their spot but he knew he'd spend the rest of the night waiting for them to.

His job done, Jude took his spot next to Connor again. After all, he was always here.

If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Fair Weather Friends by Johnny Cash; and Nobody Knows by Lostboycrow.

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~