He was going to be in so much trouble. So much trouble. Banned from the hospital trouble.

Jude adjusted the bag over his shoulder, peering around the corner to watch Nurse Mac leave Connor's room. He knew he'd only have a few minutes. Even though the nurses who were in to actually check on Connor were on a schedule, it seemed like people couldn't walk by without glancing in, making sure nothing strange was going on. Knowing he had to move quickly, Jude power-walked into Connor's room.

"You're late," Connor complained, looking like he was having a better day than yesterday.

"I was at your house. I thought someone should do something for you for Valentine's Day, at least once." Too much, Jude. "We've only got a few minutes because I know I'm not allowed to do this so you have to go into the bathroom."

"Jude?"

"Go."

Connor eased himself out of bed, taking unsteady steps to the bathroom. He looked confused as Jude took his bag off. He blocked the doorway and then opened his bag all the way.

"Jelly!"

The dazed looking cat took a few confused steps forward and let out a loud meow. Concerned, Jude looked out to the room but no one had noticed them … Yet. Jude looked at Connor, who was kneeling on the cold floor, Jelly bean in his arms, pushing his head against Connor's cheeks.

"Thank you, Jude!" Connor looked up at him. "You're going to be in so much trouble."

"Only if they catch me," Jude said. "Five minutes, so it won't look suspicious."

"Thank you."

Jellybean was purring so loudly that Jude was sure he'd be able to hear it in the main part of the room. Jude started pulling the door to and he glanced at Connor's face. For the first time in a long time, Jude looked at Connor and didn't see sickness, he just saw happiness. That hurt too because Jude didn't know when or if he was going to get to see that look again. Connor's smile made him smile and he hated to shut that door, but that was what he did. Standing in the doorway of the bathroom was odd behaviour and was sure to attract someone's attention. He sat in his chair and watched the minutes tick by on the clock. The five minute mark passed and Jude checked the hallway. His stomach flipped and then he decided to give Connor one more minute. Then, he opened the bathroom door again, slowly, in case Jellybean ran out, but she was curled up in Connor's lap, eyes closed as her purr vibrated around the room. Connor's expression turned sad.

"Five minutes already?"

"Yeah."

"But I missed her," Connor whimpered, picking her up and burying his face in her fur.

"I know but if they find her and ban me, you'll have to miss us both."

Connor nodded sadly and kissed Jellybean's head.

"I love you, Jelly."

Jude held his bag open and Connor carefully placed Jellybean in the bag and kissed the top of her head one more time.

"Be good," he whispered.

She let out a mournful meow as Jude zipped his bag most of the way, careful not to let her airhole be big enough that she could escape through it.

"I'll be back as soon as she's home safe."

Connor nodded, staring at her bag. "Sit with her a minute? Make sure she's reoriented at home."

"I will."

"Thank you, Jude."

"Come on, back to bed. I'll see you later."

Jude hovered until Connor was back in his bed and then he went back into the hall. He jabbed at the elevator button, feeling Jellybean squirming against his back and he just kept hoping that she'd be quiet. At least until they were out of the hospital. It would probably be awkward to board the bus while his bag meowed but it would be worse for his bag to yell at him in the hospital. He rushed into the elevator, grateful that it was empty. He watched the floors tick by as Jude held his breath. He was really going to get away with it! The elevator opened onto the main floor and he went to take a hurried step out.

"Jude? Where are you going?"

"Um." Jude froze, staring at Adam. "Um …"

What could he say? Jude didn't leave Connor's side. There was no good reason for him to be leaving the hospital now. Jellybean meowed softly and Adam's face changed.

"Was that my cat?"

"Uh …" Jude shrugged. "There's nothing I can say here that won't get me in trouble."

"Has she already been up?"

"Yeah," Jude sighed. "I'm sorry, I –"

"Let's get you out of here," Adam said. "I'll drive you home, save her some trauma."

"Okay. Thank you." Jude kept up with Adam's pace into the parking lot and into his car. Once he was sitting in the passenger seat, he opened the bag and let Jellybean pool onto his lap. "Are you mad?"

Adam shook his head, directing the car back to the main road. "You did something selfless for your dying friend. You broke several important rules about animals in hospitals – rules that are there for a reason – and that's not a good thing, Jude. You can't do it again."

"I knew he wanted to see her again and I know he's going to be in the hospital, so, I just thought … He should. He should get to see her one more time."

"But that dying best friend is my son so … Thank you, for doing everything you do for him. It can't be easy on him but I think having you there the amount that you are makes him stronger. I think having someone right there that he knows he can count on helps. I'm going to start being around more –"

"Because you think this is the end?" Jude blurted, not sure that he wanted to hear the answer but knowing that he had to ask. "He hasn't seemed … That bad."

"He's slipping away, Jude, I know that you know that. I don't think that this is the end but I don't want it to be the end when I take the time. When he's still here, when he's got his mind, and he's really there, I want to have the time. They've talked about the end to me, Jude, and you're around so much, you need to be prepared as much as I do."

"He could still get his kidney," Jude protested, but it was feeble, and he ran a hand down Jellybean's back. He saw why Connor found her so comforting.

"Jude –"

"I know, I know," Jude said, quickly, "but if we have to get him hopeful than I get to be hopeful too, right?"

"Right," Adam said. "But, Jude, do you have a clear picture of what the end looks like?"

"He'll be in a lot of pain, he'll be on a lot of drugs … Nurse Mac said he'll be sleeping a lot."

"That's all true," Adam said. "He might not be really coherent near the end. He will get thin, we will get weak, he will be completely bedridden. It's probably exactly what you think of when you think of the worst-case scenario and then some."

"You already told me that it wouldn't be easy to watch and it's not about making it easy for me," Jude said as Connor's house came into view. "It's about Connor. Because I'll be fine. I'll have to live with it but I'll be here to live with it. I don't know if being dead or alive is better but I've been alive, I've never been dead. I know there are things that he'll miss and thinking about what's going to happen – new ice-cream flavours or new movies or new places – that he will miss drives me nuts already. It's going to suck for me but he's going to die and I know he'd rather be alive. I want to know him, alive, for as long as I can, because when he's gone, there's just remembering him, there's no knowing him."

"You're too old for your years, Jude."

Jude stared ahead, at Connor's house, and then he looked down at Jellybean in his lap.

"I should probably get her inside."

"Come on, I'll go with you. It probably wasn't an easy trip. She's not that young, you know?"

"I know. I felt bad about putting her in my bag but she seemed so happy to see Connor too."

Jude held Jellybean tight as he carried her to the front door.

"How did you get in here, anyway?" Adam asked as he unlocked the door.

"I stole Connor's keys," Jude admitted. It wasn't like he had anything to hide from Adam now.

He put Jellybean down inside of the front entrance hall and she took off, her claws clicking against the floor as she raced up the stairs.

"Can I get you anything to eat, Jude?"

"No, thanks. I'd head back to the hospital now but I told Connor I'd sit with Jellybean for a few minutes."

"Then there's no reason why you can't have a sandwich while you sit with her. That gives us the perfect amount of time to make sure that she's okay."

"Oh, thanks," Jude said. "Um, do you know where she might have gone?"

"Connor's room. Check under the bed, that's probably where she is. It's her, um, favourite hiding place. She misses him too."

"Yeah, I saw that."

Jude knew that Connor hadn't told Adam, yet, that he wanted to come home to die and Jude didn't want to think of what that meant. He knew it wasn't his place to tell Adam, regardless, and so, he kept his mouth shut and walked up the stairs, going into Connor's room. He hadn't spent much time in Connor's house, let alone directly in his bedroom, but it still felt so wrong to be here without Connor. Despite the things that Adam had taken to the hospital, it still looked like Connor's room, like he would be following Jude up the stairs. This was how Connor's room was always going to look, Jude realized, until Adam took it apart. Connor wasn't going to be buying new books or accrue more laundry or find a new poster he liked to hang up in his room. It was the end.

He knelt down on the floor, peering under the bed so that he could pretend that it wasn't because his legs had given out. Jellybean was watching him from far underneath the bed, her eyes gleaming in the light. Jude stretched his hand out to her but he couldn't possibly touch her and she just watched him.

"All right," Jude said. "I know, you have no reason to trust me. Last time, I dropped you in a bag and, hey, you got to see Connor. I count that as an upside."

She didn't so much as blink.

Jude pulled his hand back close to his body but he stayed laying on the floor, keeping an eye on her, just as he had promised. Jellybean just watched him back. He didn't have anything else to say to her right now and he knew that she had nothing to say to him. Adam carried the sandwiches he had made for them upstairs and, to Jude's surprise, he sat on the floor with Jude.

"Is she just hiding?"

Jude nodded. "Thanks for lunch."

"She'll probably hide until I come home tonight. Connor will want me to be with her tonight."

"He loves her."

"Well, she was his only friend for a long time. You don't replace a bond like that."

Jude picked a piece of turkey off his lunch meat and put it part of the way under the bed. Jellybean's paw shot out to grab it and then she backed off with the meat, sniffing at it before snapping it up.

"Did she eat?"

"Yeah."

"That's a good sign," Adam said. "I really don't think you did any damage to her when you put her in the backpack. For future reference, her carrier is in the bottom of the hall closet. Under the shelf with the towel."

"I know," Jude admitted. There was nothing to hide from Adam anymore. "I saw it, the first time I stayed the night. I almost put her in it but, uh, it would have been too obvious to walk into a hospital like that. I always go in Connor's room with my backpack on, so … I knew that it wouldn't look weird. She didn't meow the whole way there, just on the way back out." And Jude knew it was because she didn't want to leave Connor and he knew by the look on Adam's face that he knew it too.

"Are you all done?"

"Yes, I am."

"Then, let's get back to the hospital."

"Thank you."

Jude carried their plates back down to the kitchen. He heard Jellybean's paws on the stairs as they were heading out the door and he was glad that she had come out of Connor's room. He waited for Adam to lock the door and got back into the car. The drive to the hospital was quieter than the one away from it and Jude felt like he didn't have anything left in him for today. It was Valentine's Day and there were couples on the street. They were bright and happy and Jude wanted to be bright and happy too but he couldn't. For the first time, there was someone out there who he wanted to be a Valentine and it should be good and it should be happy. But Jude still didn't know how to be himself and Connor could be dead this time next week.

Jude and Adam walked up to Connor's room together. They had been running behind schedule enough that Connor was already out. Adam smiled and smoothed the hem of Connor's hat, fixing the blankets to make him comfortable.

"I have to go, Jude, I'm going to be over on my lunch break as is. Tell him I'll be back for dinner, okay?"

"I will," Jude promised, sinking down into one of the visitor's chairs. The hospital bed wasn't that big and Connor hadn't fallen asleep around him this time. Jude couldn't just push him out of the way to get into bed while Adam was still there.

Adam left the room. Even when Jude was alone, he still didn't push himself onto the bed next to Connor. He curled himself up in the chair, his knees to his chest, and then he hugged his legs to him, watching Connor sleep. He looked over his shoulder to make sure that no one was going to come in and overhear his confession.

"I'm not going to let you die. I can't stand the thought of it. But I have the psych thing tomorrow and I'm scared. I'm really scared. And not because of anything psychiatric but because I'm scared that it'll be the reason that they tell me no. There can't be a 'no', not if I match, because that means I'll have to actually figure out how to let you die … probably and I … I can't do that. My parents left or died and my foster parents all should have abandoned me because I would have been better off and Callie's gone now … I can't figure out how to let you go too. I don't want to have to figure that out too. Because you love me and I love you and I need to be able to tell you that when you're awake, someday. Someday, I need to figure out that it's really okay to be me and tell you that when you're awake. But you have to live for that. And for your cat and for your dad. Not just about me." He hit his head against his knees. "I need to shut up."

He took a deep breath and stared at his jeans. He made himself just breathe, keeping his eyes down so that he could get his feelings under control. He had no idea how long Connor had been asleep and he could wake up at any time. Connor could read him like an open book to Jude just couldn't let him do that, not today. He had too much that he had to hide from Connor today.

He heard the sound of shoes behind him and he tilted his head, expecting Nurse Mac, but, instead, it was Dr. Meyer.

"Oh, hello. Jude, right?"

"Right." Jude looked up at her and then quickly looked away. He had only met her on a few occasions, mostly when he was ducking out of the room so that she and Adam could discuss confidential medical things with Connor. "Is he okay?"

"I think you'll find him in a better mood when he wakes up. We were finally able to shift him from the drugs that made him fuzzy."

"I'm glad to hear that. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"If he does get a kidney, are you the one that will be operating on him?"

"Yes," she said.

"What about the donor? Who operates on the donor?"

"Well, that depends on what hospital the donor is in. We often take multiple organs from the same donor and so we send in a specialist from the hospital to make sure that it is harvested correctly and that the organ is in good, proper working condition."

"What if it's a live donor?"

"Then, the organ will be taken here, at this hospital. We'll make sure that we time it so that it can be transported immediately from one O.R. to the other. I will be in the O.R. with Connor, so one of my colleagues will be harvesting the organ from the donor."

"Is it complicated?"

"It's a surgery. There will always be risks and complications with surgeries and that can't be downplayed but, well, the risks are higher for Connor because he has other things going on. He's not in perfect health and there's always the risk that the cancer will mean he's not strong enough to go through with the surgery."

"Oh." Jude looked back over at Connor. "Well, thank you for telling me. For not … lying to me."

"I'm a doctor, Jude, I'm not going to lie, especially when you've just got questions about your friend."

"What about doctor-patient confidentiality? Wouldn't you lie to me if I asked something about that?"

"You're a smart kid," she said. "But, you're right. I should have said: I'm not going to go out of my way to lie to you."

"Thank you for that."

"I've got to be on my way but if you have any other questions, you can always find me around."

"Thank you for that."

Dr. Meyer left the room and Jude sat on the edge of Connor's bed. He found the TV remote and turned it on, just watching things go by. The Valentine's day ads were still playing but they didn't catch his eye the way that they had before. Bringing Jellybean to Connor was the best thing that he could have done – no other gift could have topped it – and he just hoped that Connor got to see her again, go to live and go home. He knew that his hopes kept getting up too high and that would probably hurt more later on but Jude couldn't let it.

He had his psych appointment tomorrow and then he would get his results and things would be fine.

They would really be fine.

And, so, Jude let himself rest back onto the pillows next to Connor, snaking their hands together, the way that he knew Connor would want to wake up.

If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Love Is Stronger Than Death by The The; and Blood And Bones by Kodaline.

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~