Connor was still asleep by the time that Jude woke up, pushing himself up from the cot to look at the heart monitor. Jude felt as though he had woken a hundred times during the night to do the same thing, except now it was morning. He didn't know why he breathed easier, now that it was daylight. It wasn't as though people only died during the night. It wasn't like bad things didn't happen when the sun was high in the sky but it was morning and Connor had promised he would be here to experience this morning and he was. Jude left the cot and went into the bathroom, changing into his clothes, brushing his teeth, and putting on deodorant. Stef wouldn't be here for a while but he wanted to stay by Connor's side when he woke up; he knew that's where Connor would want him. It was where Jude wanted to be.

He stepped back into the hospital room, the rest of the hospital starting to wake up around him. Jude crossed over to the closed window and slid the curtain to the side. It was so early in the morning that the sun's rays were just starting to really stretch across the sky and Jude just watched it. Things definitely seemed better in the mornings than they did at night.

He turned his head as a nurse came in. It wasn't Nurse Mac; it was a woman, with short blonde hair who always had a little bear pinned to her scrubs. Jude recognized her but he didn't know her name. He was sure that Connor would know her name. Connor rubbed his eyes and squinted at her.

"Hi, Nurse Rose," he muttered.

"Hi, sleepyhead. How are you feeling this morning?"

"Like I was struck by lightning."

"Well, a sense of humour is a good sign," she said. "Come on, time to start waking up. Breakfast will be here soon."

"And medication. And rounds. And someone picking at my chest." Connor closed his eyes. "I'd like to skip it today."

"Oh, well, we know that's not going to happen. Not when we were so glad to keep you here last night. I saw it was a rough one."

"I don't want to be sick today," Connor complained.

"I know, honey, I know."

The nurse sat Connor up and Jude looked away. Connor just sounded so tired. It made Jude feel empty to hear him like that. He watched the sky turn brighter until he heard the nurse leave and breakfast be rolled in. He settled onto the end of Connor's bed, watching as Connor shoved the breakfast tray out of his way.

"No appetite?" Jude asked.

"Good morning," Connor responded.

"Good morning," Jude repeated. "Are you going to eat your toast?"

"No, you can have it if you want it."

"I don't want it, Connor, that's not why I asked. There's a reason they bring you breakfast."

Connor shoved the food even further away from him. "I don't feel like eating."

"Are you feeling sick at all? How's your chest feel?"

"I am sick of being sick!" Connor snapped. "I'm sick of this! I could have died last night and maybe I should have because that's what's going to happen anyway! I don't want to keep staring at this hospital room!"

"Connor –"

"Don't you dare give me a pep talk. I don't care. I don't want to hear it."

Connor crossed his arms low over his chest and looked away toward the window. Jude stared at him for a moment, trying to figure out what to do with Connor's change in attitude. He hadn't ever seen Connor like this: cranky and frustrated. Connor was always so sweet and optimistic. It was what he was used to. Jude didn't know what to say to Connor now but he knew that he had to say something. Connor always had something to say to him. He shuffled a little further down the bed, trying to figure out what words wouldn't make Connor turn colder and angrier. Jude had never seen this side of him and it dawned on Jude that he might not have known Connor long enough to know all of the sides of him.

"It's better because you're here," Jude whispered. He was afraid of Connor's reaction but he knew he had to say it because it was true. "You might get better."

"I won't. We all know that won't. Except for you."

"What about getting one more day with us? Doesn't that matter?"

"Waiting for it sucks. You know it sucks. And, what's the point of having one more day when I can't do anything with it?"

Jude picked at the blanket for a second before admitting, "I don't know what you mean."

"I'm not travelling. I'm not leaving this room. I'm just sitting here and dying a little bit more and losing more of me to it." Connor pulled his hat down lower, over his ears. "I quit. I do. I give up. I need to tell Dad to just take me home. It hurts too much. I can't do it."

He finally turned to look at Jude. Jude was lost in the pained look in Connor's eyes. He didn't know how hard it was to live through what Connor was – he knew it had to be worse than sitting on this side of it, but he sometimes lost sight on how that could possibly be. Like now, when Connor wanted to give up when there were so many people fighting for him to live; when Connor wanted to give up but the devastation of losing him would never heal. Jude would never feel whole again if Connor died.

"What happened to saying you'd fight until the end?"

"I think that was supposed to be the end."

"That's not okay, Connor. You're here for a reason. Who knows? You might get a kidney tomorrow! Someone might cure cancer tomorrow! That's why you didn't die last night!"

"Shut up!"

Jude sat back, affronted by Connor's tone. Then, he toughened himself. He had been shouted at by a lot scarier than Connor and he knew for a fact that Connor wasn't going to lash out at him with more than words. "No. You wanted me here. I don't know why you're being such a jerk but I'll be here when you get over it and apologize. You're sick, it sucks, but you've been fighting it for too long to just give up now and wait for it to come for you."

"Exactly. I've been fighting for too long."

"You don't know what's going to happen," Jude said desperately, thinking of the transplant centre and what he might be able to do.

"I do know," Connor argued. "You just won't see it."

"Because I believe in you and one more conversation and good things coming out of one more day, whether it's another chapter or a TV show or a conversation." Jude grabbed Connor's copy of To Kill A Mockingbird and dropped it on his lap. "What happened to memorizing? What happened to taking things with you?"

"Jake was right. There's nothing. There's this moment of thinking of everything you didn't say and then it's just nothing. And, then, I was here again. And, now, I'm waiting for the nothing because it's going to come back."

"Maybe you're here to say those things, then," Jude said desperately, trying to get Connor to latch onto anything that might give him a little bit of hope.

"It's not worth it."

"Connor –"

Jude was cut off by a knock at the door. There was Dr. Meyer, a few doctors trailing in her wake. Jude knew that he had to go and for a moment and so he took himself down to the cafeteria. To his surprise, he ran into Adam, getting coffee.

"Oh, Jude. How was last night?"

"He's, um, in a bad mood," Jude admitted. "A really bad mood. He thinks there's no reason why he should be here and I don't know what to say to him."

Adam rubbed Jude's shoulder. "I know you're doing your best, Jude, but you know it's not your job to make him feel better."

"Well, he's my best friend so it kind of is," Jude said. "He's just more sad than I can fix."

"You're not doing it alone, at least. Why are you down here?"

"His doctors came by so …"

"Oh, shoot, I didn't want to miss them. I'm going to run, Jude."

Jude let Adam take off and he walked up to the counter. He ordered himself a hot chocolate and a muffin. There were cinnamon buns sitting in the display case and all Jude could think of was a little café and how things were so wildly different now. He had never seen any of these developments coming – how could he have? But thinking about what he didn't know then made him too sad now. He sat at the table, eating quickly, knowing that Connor's doctors would be in and out soon enough. He wanted to be back with Connor, even if Connor seemed ambivalent about what was going on around him. Connor had always wanted him there before and, whatever he was going through now, Jude had to believe that Connor still really did want that.

He took the elevator back upstairs, sticking his head around Connor's door slowly. Connor was laying in bed, looking away from his father and he seemed just as angry as he had before Jude had left in the first place. Jude took the seat next to Connor's bed, putting himself in Connor's eyeline.

"You need to eat," Adam said again.

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to keep your strength up."

"What strength?"

"Well, you've got enough strength to be bitter and angry. Don't you want to keep that up?'

Connor didn't look amused and Jude tried not to sigh. The hard expression on Connor's face just didn't fit the boy that he knew.

"Just one piece of toast," Jude said. "The doctors are going to make you eat anyway."

"Then let them force me. I know I don't get a say anymore."

"Connor, come on," Adam pleaded, but that was as far as he got.

"Don't you have to go to work or something? Leave me alone again?" Connor spat.

"I'll call in. I'll stay here with you today." Adam touched Connor's arm but Connor jerked it away. Jude saw him wince and touch his hand lightly to his chest before he caught Jude watching and dropped his hand down the bed. "There's nothing more important to me than you."

"No, you should go," Connor said. "I don't want you here."

"I know you're angry but you don't need to lash out –"

"I'm dying and I get what I want, right?" Connor asked, looking Adam in the eye. "I don't want you here."

"Dr. Meyer has scheduled you an extra psych appointment today. I really hope you'll take advantage of it. I'll come back on my lunch break and if you want me to stay the afternoon with you, nothing would make me happier."

"Just go away now, Dad."

Adam stood away from the bed and Jude saw the way that his expression crumbled before he took a few steps toward the door. He wondered why Adam would just give into Connor like that. But, then he saw the tear roll down Adam's cheek as he glanced back at Connor before forcing himself out the door and Jude understood a little bit better. He knew that Connor was right and that Adam was in too much pain over having a dying son to put Connor through more than his disease already was. Jude stared at his best friend for a moment and decided that the way to be a good friend was to not let Connor get away with it. If Connor didn't want to be treated like he was sick anymore than Jude wouldn't.

"What is wrong with you?"

Connor's forehead lifted in surprise before his scowl came back into his expression. "What?"

"I know you and your dad don't really get along but that was still a really crappy thing to say to him."

"I didn't say anything that wasn't true!"

"So, when you thought you were going to die, that was the thing that you wished you told your dad?" Jude continued. "To go away because you don't want him? He's going to spend the rest of his life missing you."

"I get to make my decisions. Not doctors, not my dad, me. I don't have much longer to do it –"

"Because you're just giving up and throwing yourself in the grave?"

"I should already be dead," Connor said bitterly. "I can't do anything with this. It's not even a second chance. It's not even a fix. I can't be fixed."

"Maybe this is your chance to get a second chance," Jude said. "You don't know what's going to happen except that you're here to find out." He grabbed onto Connor's hand, letting all of his emotions pour into his next words, hoping that Connor really felt what he was saying. "Connor, I really love that you're here."

Connor looked up at him with mournful eyes before looking away from him entirely and shaking his hand free. Jude sighed and tucked his hands under his thighs. He wanted to hold Connor again, put his arm around Connor and read to him like they had done into the night. He didn't know what had changed between going to sleep and waking up. Adam was right – it wasn't as if Connor was his job or his responsibility and that wasn't the way that someone should feel about friendship – but Jude would never be able to just give up on Connor. Connor could push him away all that he wanted but Jude was determined to always be there to be pushed away again.

There was a knock at the door and Jude looked over to see Stef.

"Ready to go?"

"Almost. One second." Jude leant closer to Connor again, keeping his words from travelling. Connor didn't so much as glance at him but Jude knew that Connor was listening. "I hope you really talk to that therapist and I hope you're in a better mood when your dad and I come back."

"Maybe I don't want you to come back either."

"It's not going to be that easy to get rid of me. I'll be back later."

Connor half-grunted and Jude pushed himself off the bed, picking up his bag.

"How are you feeling, Connor?" Stef called.

"Fine. Just fine," Connor responded and Jude could tell that even Stef noticed the change in his tone. Stef shifted her gaze to him and Jude just shook his head. It wasn't going to be worth it for her to ask.

She stayed silent until they were in the elevator and then she asked how his night was.

"I read to him all night until he fell asleep. Then, this morning, he just woke up angry. Really angry. I don't know what happened or why he … It doesn't make sense to me."

"Well, a near-death experience is a big deal. Maybe he's just not dealing with it well."

Jude snorted. That felt like an understatement.

"Is he talking to someone?"

"Yeah. Later today. So, I hope that helps. Or he tells me how I can help. I just don't like feeling like I don't know what to do. Which, I guess, I should be used to by now but I … I hate feeling helpless when it comes to Connor. He always knew what to say to me."

Jude sighed and boosted himself in the car. Stef got in the driver's seat, put the keys in the ignition but didn't start the car. She turned to face him and Jude could recognize the maternal look on her face by now. He was even starting to like that she and Lena would look at him like that. Maybe it was stupid but he was starting to feel like maybe they were looking at him like more than a charity case that Lena had taken in because of Connor. Maybe he was a person to them. Jude had never been a person to his foster parents before and he wasn't sure what to do about something like that.

"Jude, even if we don't know how to help people, being there is enough. Connor is going through something that no one can understand unless they've been there and I think that everything you are doing for him is beyond admirable. It's brave. We all love our best friends but not everyone could step up and do the things that you are doing for him. Just be by his side. Being able to look up and see you there, even if he's lashing out, is going to mean a lot."

"Thank you," Jude murmured.

"Do you still want to go to the transplant centre? We don't have to if you don't want to. You can always change your mind."

"I know but I'm not going to change my mind. I need to know if I'm a match or not. I need to know what's going to happen to him. I need to know something."

"Then, let's go."

If there was a silver lining to be seen in Connor's attitude this morning, it was that it had kept Jude preoccupied and he'd had no time to be anxious about visiting the transplant centre. He was too nervous to walk through the doors. He was too nervous to hear the news and see his ILDA and go through everything that was coming up. He hadn't had time to get himself ready for it but maybe it was better, in this case, to not get himself ready. For good or bad, he and Stef were here and he was just going to have to take it.

He stuck tightly to her as they walked through the door. It felt less like a doctor's office than Jude was expecting, though it was very obviously clean and clinical. He sat on his hands as Stef gathered the introductory paperwork from the front desk and confirmed that they had received everything that should have been forwarded to them. He bounced his leg as she filled out the sheet and they were shown to a waiting room where his ILDA, Karen, was introduced to him. She was sweet, with straight hair and crooked teeth, her skin a light brown. Jude liked her and he supposed that was the point, to have someone that he could talk to freely. Talking with her felt exactly like talking to Dr. Shapiro and Jude was getting anxious to hear something different and something new.

Then, Karen introduced he and Stef to Dr. Yang and Jude knew that she knew something. He sat up a little straighter, making sure to pay attention and respond at all the right places when she went over some key points.

"Well, Jude, I've looked at everything that Dr. Drew and Dr. Shapiro sent over, which are your initial test results. As you know by now, there's more to it than what you've already done and a lot more to learn, if you're a match."

"And, am I?"

She looked him in the eye. "Yes, Jude. According to the initial tests, it looks good that you'll be a match for Connor."

Jude slid straight out of his chair and onto the floor, folding his knees up to his chest and hiding his head away in his hands before breaking into a loud sob. His heart was thudding so loudly inside of his chest and it was the only thing that he could hear because he was a match. Everything else was conquerable; being a match wasn't something anyone could change. Connor was going to get his kidney. Connor was going to get to live. He was shaking so badly that he was sure that Stef, when she gripped onto his shoulders, was trembling along with him.

"Jude, talk to me," she implored. "What are you feeling?"

"I've never felt like this!" Jude exclaimed and, to his surprise, a laugh escaped him. "I think I'm just that happy! Stef, he's going to live!"

"There are more steps, Jude. A few more tests, the fact that you're a minor foster child … and making sure that Connor is ready for surgery. We're going to need to get into contact with his doctor immediately."

"Her name is Dr. Christine Meyer," Stef said.

"She won't tell him, will she? I don't want him to know what I'm doing until I know I can do it," Jude blurted.

"We'll talk to her about being discreet," Dr. Yang promised. "We want to schedule you an appointment with our psychiatrist right away and we want to make sure that you're seeing Karen on a regular basis, just to check in with you and make sure that you're understanding what's going on properly and that you still feel you're free to make your decision."

"Anything you need," Jude said. "As long as I can do this."

"Mrs. Adams-Foster, you're going to want to petition the courts about this sooner rather than later. From what I hear of Connor, we can't afford to take any longer than we have to."

"As soon as we get home, we'll start making the arrangements. Is there someone here that I can speak with about where to start?"

"Absolutely. We're going to assemble a team for Jude. Remember that we're here for you, so, anything you need – concerns, questions, if you need to talk – there will always be someone here from you."

"Thank you," Jude whispered. "Is there anything more to do today?"

"We're going to get Stef the legal information she needs and we're going to schedule your appointments for early next week. Are you sure you're ready for this?"

"Yes," Jude said. It was the first thing in his life that he had been able to ready himself for. Everything else had just hit him and he had only ever been able to recover.

"All right, let's get going, then."

The sooner the better.

If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Meant by Zach Winters; and Save You by Simple Plan.

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~TLL~