The Island Of Misfit Toys

by The Last Letter

Two boys, leading two very different lives. A chance meeting at a Youth Centre brings the two together; for the first time, Jude lets his guard down and even lets himself develop a crush but, selfishly, Connor keeps his secrets close until it's too late, leaving Jude to chose between his best friend and the life he's always known, for good or bad.

37. Six Of Diamonds

Sorry this is late, my apartment flooded yesterday morning and then I worked a ten hour shift.

~TLL~

Adam was reading the newspaper while Connor slept as Jude walked back into the hospital room. Jude put his bag on the floor and took his seat in the chair across from Adam, pulling his legs onto the chair and trying not to hide his buoyed feelings. He was a match. He was going to save Connor's life and neither of them knew it yet.

"How is he?"

"No different than when we left him this morning, despite talking to the psychologist. He's angry at something. I think it's the fact that this is really hitting him that he's not going to get to grow up. It's hitting all of us." Adam cleared his throat and Jude saw the tears in his eyes. "But he won't talk to me. He won't tell me for sure. I've always been bad at helping him through things but now is when he needs me most and I still don't know what I'm doing."

"He just yelled at me too this morning. I don't … I don't know if that helps."

"It doesn't. At least I knew that he could talk to you about things before, when he couldn't talk to me. Being angry has just never been his style."

"No. He's never seemed angry to me before. Not even about this whole thing. Not like this at least."

"I can't imagine living through it from his end," Adam confessed. "My end is bad enough."

Jude laughed, though it was short and bitter. "That's what I always think."

It made Adam smile a grim smile. "So, where were you this morning?"

"Schoolwork, with Lena," Jude said. "She wants to make sure that I can start at a real school in the fall. I don't think I'm going to catch up, though."

"I'm sure you'll do just fine, Jude."

"Thank you."

Connor started shifting on the bed, pulling at the blanket and then reaching up to scratch at his chest. Adam bolted forward and caught his hands.

"You'll hurt yourself if you do that," Adam warned him.

Connor then went to rub at his eyes and pull at the oxygen tube running underneath of his nose.

"I can't tell if you're being stubborn or if you're just drowsy."

Connor's eyes flickered to look at his father but it was Jude who spoke.

"Stubborn. He's not like this when he wakes up."

Connor dropped his hands back to the bed and narrowed his eyes at Jude but Jude just brushed it off. Connor could be in a mood all he wanted, for now. Jude was going to entertain him or talk him out of it. He was just going to sit there and wait for Connor to get over himself because Jude knew that he had been right when he had told Connor that good things were coming.

"Are you hungry, Connor?" Adam asked.

"I ate."

"I heard you had to eat under supervision to make sure it happened."

Connor didn't answer. He rested himself back into his pillows and closed his eyes, as though he could will himself out of the room. Jude felt bad for him now, looking at him like that. He knew what Connor would give to be anywhere else or be able to do anything else and he almost thought about telling Adam and Connor about where he had really been when he had left the hospital this morning. It was a very brief consideration. He didn't want to tell them until the courts told him that he could. He didn't want to be something else that got Connor's hopes up, only to let him down. He didn't ever want to be someone that let Connor down.

"I want to be alone," Connor rasped.

"No," Jude said. "You don't."

"You don't know me."

"Connor, be nice," Adam said. "Jude knows you very well. Probably better than me."

"Nurse Mac knows me better than you," Connor snapped.

Adam made a face. Connor wasn't watching but Jude was and he watched Adam quickly mask the pain before resting a hand on Connor's shoulder, something that Connor weakly but quickly pushed against.

"I'm going to go get you some water."

Adam left the room and Jude leant forward in his chair, resting his elbows on the side of the bed, feeling Connor's body heat. Connor gave him a flat look but he didn't push him away like he did Adam.

"How was your talk with the therapist?"

"Fine."

"Just fine? No major breakthroughs?"

"What's there to break through?" Connor asked. "I'm going to die. Nothing's going to change it. I'm going to be in pain until that happens. Everything will stay the same."

"But you're not. You're not Connor. Who you were when we fell asleep last night, that was you. Don't let you get taken. I get you're angry about what's happening to you –"

"You don't get anything about what's happening to me. You sit there and watch it but you don't get it. You don't feel it. You're not staring at your body and hating how skinny it is and how it can't do anything. You weren't there when I lost all my hair again and I cried because I had just grown it out to a length that I really liked. You weren't there when I woke up in the hospital and realizing I wasn't getting back out. You haven't lived this, Jude!"

"No, I haven't lived it," Jude agreed. "But, I didn't choose to not be here when you first went into the hospital or when you lost your hair. I would have been here for every bit of it if you had let me. You shut me out once and lied to me. Don't shut me out again, Connor. I want to be here for you, for every part of it."

"So, you still hold that against me," Connor muttered and he turned his head so that he was looking out toe window, his jaw set and his arms crossed over his head.

"You are not hearing me!"

"You aren't hearing me either! Just go away, Jude."

"No." Jude sat back in his chair. "I'm going to be here. I'm not going to miss you for longer than I have to."

Adam walked back into their stony silence, Connor's water in his hand. Jude was steadfastly doing his homework with a concentration that he had never had before while Connor was steadfastly ignoring the room. Adam opened the paper and the three of them sat there in silence. The quiet was slowly driving Jude mad but he wasn't going to be the first one to snap and say something. He chewed on his tongue and failed at math problem after math problem, wishing that he could ask Connor for help but not being able to unbend his pride enough to do it. He also thought that Connor would promptly shoot him down if he did and rejection from Connor would hurt more than anything else.

He was relieved when Lena came in, an hour to the end of visiting hours, and promptly took a seat next to Connor.

"Hi, how are you feeling?"

Jude saw it in Connor's face that he just didn't have it in him to be mean to Lena too.

"Everything hurts, Ms. Adams. I can't breathe without feeling like I'm being stabbed."

Lena rubbed the back of Connor's hand and Connor let her. An irrational bolt of jealousy shot through Jude because he hadn't held Connor's hand at all today. He hadn't been able to cuddle Connor like they normally did and it was all Jude had been wanting to do! He knew that being jealous of Lena was stupid but Jude was only fifteen. He was allowed to be stupid. He wanted to hold Connor's hand but he would probably fall apart when Connor pulled himself away.

"Are the doctors taking care of you?"

"Yeah. I guess dying is just painful."

"How does your chest feel?"

"Chest hurts. Heart is still beating. Everyone seems more excited about that part."

"Aren't you?"

Connor opened his mouth and then shut it, looking over at Adam.

"Okay, I understand." Lena patted his hand and Jude was jealous all over again, for the simple fact that Connor was able to accept her understanding over his.

"How's school?" Connor prompted and Lena talked him through the details of a day at Anchor Beach.

Jude assumed that not much had changed but Connor still listened to her with full attention, asking questions and even responding. Jude glanced over at Adam and he was glad to find that Adam looked like he wanted to chew on the edge of his newspaper as angrily as Jude was biting at the end of his pencil. They both wanted to be the person that Connor was opening up to and responding to but it was neither of them. And Jude just had to wonder why it wasn't. Did Connor really think that Jude didn't know him well enough? He stewed and ignored the conversation around him until visiting hours ended and he and Lena had to pack up and go.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Connor," he said, leaning over the side of Connor's bed.

"Don't feel like you have to."

I love you, don't treat me like this. "I never feel like I have to. With you is where I choose to be."

"Why?" It was the most genuine thing that Connor had said to him all day.

"Because you matter to me, in a different way than anyone else does. So, I'll be here."

Jude wished that Lena and Adam weren't in the room. He wished that it was just he and Connor because he thought that he might have the courage to say it now when they were alone. He might have the courage to say it because, even if it changed things between he and Connor, he and Connor were a kidney match and they would have time to figure out why things had changed. They would have time together. All the time in the world. But they weren't alone and Jude was still just a foster kid that might be sent somewhere else. And, so, he and Connor ended up just staring at each other for a long moment, Jude mapping out how tired and haggard Connor's face was becoming.

"Okay," Connor finally said.

"Okay," Jude repeated and he knew that it was his signal to leave. He turned his back on Connor and let Lena guide him out of the room. When they were in the hall, Jude let out a breath. "Today was hard."

"Stef told me what the transplant centre said! Oh, Jude, I actually can't believe it."

They stepped into the elevator car. "Me either. I mean, I always pictured telling Connor and what it would be like when he actually got my kidney but hearing it from someone else that it's actually going to happen is … crazy. I'm going to get to help him. He's going to get to live."

Saying the words aloud like that made tears spring into Jude's eyes. He stumbled out of the elevator and smiled, even though he caught sight of Lena's expression.

"I know, I know, so much can still go wrong but if this went right, then what else will? That's how I have to look at it! Things are going to go right. The reason he didn't die last night was so that I could get this news today. He's asked me for reasons before and this is exactly it. This is exactly why. He lived so that we can really save his life."

"One step at a time, Jude."

"I've taken one step at a time. Come on. You care about him too. You don't have to be such a realist for a second."

They paused at the trunk of her car and then Lena broke into a bright smile along with him.

"You're absolutely right. There's no reason not to be optimistic right now!"

Lena hugged him tightly and Jude hugged her back.

"I don't think I've ever felt like that!" he confessed, his face hidden against her jacket. "How I felt when she said I was a match! This has to work!" He let his arms drops from around her and looked into her face. "It will work."

"We're all going to do everything we can. Stef and I are going to finish filling out the paperwork tonight and send it off in the morning."

"Thank you. You didn't even have to take me in, let alone do all of this for me."

Lena smiled and tousled his hair. "We're more than happy to do all of it. We're glad that you ended up with our family, Jude."

"I … am too, I think," Jude said. "I mean, I'd rather be with Callie but if I can't, I'm really glad that I am where I am."

It felt like a betrayal to admit it; his tongue felt too big for his mouth as he tried to get his words out. Of course, he'd rather be with Callie and, yet, his life was better with Stef and Lena and he and Callie both knew that. He always had food to eat, a safe house to walk into, and he was going to school. He had gotten the good end of the deal while Callie sat in a juvenile centre, waiting to hear what was going to happen to her.

"Come on, Jude. Let's go home."

Jude got into the passenger seat of the car, chewing on the word 'home' as she drove toward the house that they were both thinking of. He had never had a physical place that he thought of as home. Callie had always been home. When he had walked into Connor's house, he remembered thinking that it felt like a home, the same way that he had thought Stef's and Lena's felt the first time that he visited there. It was strange to think that Lena considered the place they were going to now a home that he belonged to. He didn't think that when she had said home that she wasn't including him in it and Jude felt out of sorts to consider whether or not he felt like he was included there. He had to feel some sort of belonging, didn't he? He was comfortable there. He didn't feel like he was on the fringe of anything, unless it was where Brandon was concerned. They liked him. They had welcomed him, even though he was who he was. He liked these people; these people liked him. And he wanted to be there.

"Dinner won't be ready for a little while," Lena said as they headed in.

"Okay, sure. Um, how long is a little while?"

"An hour or so. Why?"

"I was thinking of touching up my hair, if I had time."

"I think you will."

Jude nodded and headed up the stairs, his feet stuttering in the hallway as he realized he had no idea whether or not Brandon was in the house and whether or not he was in his room. Jude still had to go in; all of his things were there, organized in the drawers that Brandon had left empty when he had gone to college. Jude edged the door open and then he heard Brandon's voice, coming from downstairs where he was telling Lena that he was going to be having dinner with his father tonight. Jude pushed the door all the way open with more confidence, dropping his backpack onto its normal spot on the floor and going over to the dresser, picking up the extra pot of hair dye that he left there before going into the bathroom, not realizing that Mariana was already in it, putting the finishing touches on her make-up.

"Oh, sorry. I'll … come back."

"Don't worry about it," Mariana said. "I'm almost done and you have to get used to sharing a bathroom."

"I shared a bathroom with my sister," Jude said. "I guess that's a lot less people than here though."

"Sharing a bathroom with only one person sounds like heaven … unless that person was Jesus."

Mariana shifted over so that he could see the mirror but Jude just leant against the doorframe.

"Sorry, did you need to pee?" she asked.

Jude shook his head. "Are you going out?"

"No, just trying out a new way of doing eyeshadow. I think it looks okay. What do you think?"

Jude shrugged. He knew absolutely nothing about make-up, except for the fact hat Callie only ever wore it when she went out with Nic. "You're always really pretty."

"Thanks. So, what are you doing?"

"I was just going to dye my hair."

"Oh, do you need help?" Mariana asked, dropping the make-up brush she was holding to turn and look at him. "I'd love to help you."

"You would?"

"Yeah, absolutely! It's going to be hard to make sure you got the back of your own head, right?"

"That's … exactly right."

"Please, let me help."

"I'd like that."

Mariana tucked the make-up brush into the bag sitting on the sink while Jude tugged his t-shirt off and zippered his hoodie back up over his skinny body. He sat down on the lid of the toilet while she took the top off of the jar.

"You might want to wear gloves," he said. "It's really hard to get off of skin."

"Not with make-up wipes and a little bit of moisturizer," Mariana said.

"So, you've done this before."

"You're in good hands," Mariana promised him.

Jude nodded, watching as she dipped her fingers into the pot and started working it through the front of his hair. He tried not to think of Callie. He tried not to think of the times that she would do his hair and how different she was from Mariana. He tried not to wonder if Callie would like Mariana. It was impossible to think of Callie living in a place like this house, even though he knew that Callie would probably like it here, if she could get over Stef and Lena being together, which, he thought that she might, eventually, once she didn't have to be on the defensive to keep him safe.

"Did you ever dye your hair?" Jude asked her.

"I went blonde once, a few years ago. I never did anything fun like your hair."

"Why not?" Mariana seemed like the type of person who would love brightly coloured hair.

"My hair is dark and a pain to dye," Mariana explained with a laugh. "So, I stick to the fun clothes and the fun make-up. Here, turn to the side."

Jude obeyed, watching her blue hands dip back into the dye pot. He couldn't help but think of the time that Connor had the blue dye all over his hands and Jude's heart sunk low in his chest. Where had that Connor gone? That had to be the real Connor, before he was so sick he was confined to a bed, sleeping away the day and taking medications that made it hard for him to sit up. Jude didn't know what to think, slumping forward.

"Everything okay?" Mariana asked.

"Yeah. It's just been a long day."

"Bright side," Mariana said, her tone bubbly, "it'll be over tomorrow."

Jude let out a laugh, despite himself. "Yeah, I guess that's true. It might be just as bad, though."

"That defeats the purpose in being optimistic."

"I didn't know I was being optimistic."

Mariana really laughed at him then. "Here, move your head the other way."

Jude obeyed and then took a chance on asking her another question. "What do your friends do for you when you're having bad days?"

"It depends. Sometimes, we go and get good food. Sometimes, it's retail therapy. Sometimes, we watch movies. Sometimes, we just sit there and talk. Bad days come and go for different reasons, I guess."

Jude tilted his head back. "You sound a lot like Lena. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Don't move your head," Mariana ordered, sorting him back out. "I'm going to take that as a compliment. She's been my mom for a really long time. I'm glad I sound like them."

"I meant it as a compliment," Jude said quickly. He didn't want her to think otherwise. Worse, he didn't want her to tell Lena otherwise. He didn't want to do anything where they might think differently of him or think that he thought badly of them. He wanted to be able to stay here.

"I thought you did. Okay, I need the back of your head."

Jude turned around again, looking down at his fingers.

"What are you thinking about now?"

"Callie, mostly. Connor, too. Callie usually helped me dye my hair but, when I first started doing it, she didn't want me to."

"Why not?"

"It made me stand out. She was scared it would make people notice me."

"What made her give in?"

"I was just more stubborn than she was that time, I guess. I dyed it even after she told me 'no' and she couldn't get her hands on anything that would shave my head."

Mariana laughed. "I guess that's one way to get your way."

"And I think, eventually, she got it. How I needed something to be mine and control."

"I think everyone understands that." Mariana gave his head a final pat. "There. All done."

"Thank you for helping me."

"No problem. I really liked it."

Jude carefully left the bathroom, Mariana returning to the mirror. He had to find somewhere to just sit for a little while.

(-.-)

Jude walked into the hospital the next day, running into Dr. Meyer in the hallway before he got to Connor's room.

"Dr. Meyer, did you hear from Dr. Yang?"

"I did." She smiled brightly at him. "This is a brave, wonderful thing that you're doing, Jude."

"That's what everyone says," Jude said, scuffing the toe of his sneaker along the floor. "It doesn't feel that brave. It just feels like something that anyone would do."

"Not everyone would, Jude. Which is why what you're doing is that amazing."

"Thanks. Did … did Dr. Yang tell you that I didn't want to tell Connor just yet? In case it doesn't work out because I'm a foster kid and stuff. I don't want to tell them until I know for sure what's going on. Is that okay? Is that allowed?"

"For now, yes. We won't get ahead of ourselves. You do still have a way to go."

"Yeah," Jude said. That was another thing that everyone kept reminding him of. "We're going to get there."

"Good, good," she said happily. "You know, I believe that too."

"It's what friends do," Jude said. "And he's my best friend. I'd do anything for him."

Dr. Meyer's expression faltered for a moment and then she recovered. "Well, I'm glad that Connor has a friend like you."

"Is he doing okay today?" Jude asked.

"His appetite is gone and he's spent most of today sleeping. I think he'll be happy to see you. He's seemed pretty lonely today. His father was unable to stay this morning."

"Okay, thank you."

"Any questions you have, Jude, you can come to me. I know that transplant centre very well, though I've never worked with Dr. Yang before, and you're in excellent hands, but it can't hurt to know that there's one more person here for you."

"Thank you. That means a lot to me too."

He said his goodbyes to Dr. Meyer and then he finally walked into Connor's room. Connor was asleep and the room felt hushed. Jude took one of the chairs next to Connor's bed, putting his bag down by his feet. He pulled out his homework, knowing that he hadn't been doing as well with it as he should and that he had his check-in with Lena tomorrow night. He spread his reading out on his notebook and put it on his lap, and then he looked up at Connor's sleeping face, the blue hat pulled down low over his face.

"Good things are happening," Jude told him. "I hope you feel that, even if I can't tell you yet."

Connor didn't move at all and Jude took out his pencil. He started reading, murmuring the words to himself. He still found it hard to read inside of his head but he didn't want to read at a normal volume, since he didn't think that Connor was knocked out, just napping normally. He underlined a few things that might be important later, trying not to look at the clock. He always felt like he was moving at a crawl when he was doing schoolwork and looking at the clock made it worse when he realized just how slow time was actually moving. He did keep looking up every time that Connor shifted and moved. He wanted Connor to wake up because he wanted to see him and he wanted to put the homework down but he was also worried about facing Connor's sour mood today, if it was still in place. Sitting in silence trying to ignore one another was too taxing to do again.

Jude was almost finished with the worksheet that accompanied his reading when Connor finally opened his eyes.

"Hey," Jude said softly, making sure he didn't scare Connor. "How was your nap?"

Connor shrugged and then he squinted at Jude. "You look different."

"I put more dye in my hair last night."

"Oh."

Jude opened his mouth, about to ask Connor how he was feeling, and then he thought better of it. A hundred people had probably asked Connor how he was feeling today and he just had to trust that Connor would tell him if something was different or if there was something that he needed to know.

"Want to watch a movie? Something we actually want to see this time instead of just having the TV on?"

"If you want to watch something."

"We'll see what's there, anyway." Jude picked up the remote from the nightstand and turned the TV on, looking through the guide to see if there was anything that they wanted to watch. Connor was less than interested in anything that Jude asked him about and Jude just tried not to get frustrated. "Action? Horror? Comedy? No movie? Tell me something, Connor."

"I don't have anything to say."

Jude turned the TV off. "Want me to read to you?"

"No."

"Okay. Anything you want to talk about?"

"No."

Jude reined in his sigh. Today was going to be just like yesterday but he wasn't going to let Connor hear his frustration. "Okay. Well, I'm going to do some homework so just let me know if you change your mind."

Connor might have nodded at that or he might have just moved his head slightly. Jude had no idea. He wanted to pull a face but Connor would probably see it and they would end up arguing. Jude didn't know if he would rather the arguing or the silence since both of them hurt. He couldn't focus on his writing and the question he was supposed to be answering. Time ticked by slowly and a nurse came in with Connor's lunch to make sure that he wasn't just going to push the food aside. Connor fell asleep again after that and it was a lot less tense when he did, but Jude just felt like he was missing Connor while he was sleeping. He put his homework down and leant on the edge of the bed, taking Connor's hand in his. Connor's fingers were limp in his own and didn't hold onto him like he normally did but holding Connor's hand eased some of the pain that Jude was holding in his heart.

"You're going to be okay," Jude said but he wasn't completely sure if he was talking to Connor or himself.

Adam didn't come in on his lunch break today and Jude wondered what had happened between the two of them this morning to keep Adam away. He knew he shouldn't ask. Maybe Connor would just tell him tomorrow. Maybe he wouldn't. Jude put his other arm on the bed and put his head down on his forearm, hiding his face down against the blanket. It felt good to hide himself away and just relax, feeling Connor close to him. He had never thought of himself as someone who needed to be touched but he and Connor spent so much time that it was now something that Jude actively missed. He missed being held and cuddled and he missed it being Connor. Even though Connor was driving him crazy now, Jude wouldn't trade any part of him for anything in the world.

He wasn't sure how long they stayed like that but it caught him off-guard when Connor's hand tightened against him and he began to move with wakefulness again.

"Are you asleep?" Connor asked.

Jude lifted his head, propping his elbow up and resting his head on his free hand. He looked down at their conjoined hands and his heart leapt that Connor hadn't shaken him off, like Jude was half-expecting him to when he woke. "No."

"Me either."

Jude smiled at him, even though Connor didn't return the expression, Jude still thought that he looked a little happier than he had earlier. He could hope.

"Was Dad here?" Connor asked.

"No, I haven't seen him." Connor's face fell and, so, Jude hurriedly added, "But I might have fallen asleep and missed him. I don't know."

Connor abruptly yanked his hand out of Jude's and Jude felt empty. "I thought you didn't lie to me."

"I –"

"That's what that was, wasn't it?"

"I just … I didn't want you to feel bad. You've been in such a bad mood that I didn't want to make it worse."

"Thanks," Connor said sarcastically. "Really."

"I'm just trying to be a good friend! You just won't let me!"

"Maybe I don't want you to be my friend!"

Jude imagined that being shot would hurt less than hearing those words. Tears in his eyes and his hands shaking, he started shoving his things into his bag.

"Jude, I just meant –"

"No, you don't get to explain yourself!" Jude snapped. "I don't care what you meant, that's what you said. I'm supposed to be your best friend. I'm your only friend. Look at who else is here with you? Exactly. I have spent most of our friendship worrying about you and being here for you and doing everything I can to make sure that you're happy and you're not alone and you don't get to tell me that you don't want me! You've been a pain in the ass these past two days and all I've done is try and come up with things to do for you and make you feel better."

"Jude –"

"No, screw you. You don't want to be my friend? You don't want to see me? Fine. You won't."

Jude threw his bag over his shoulder and tore out of the hospital room. He made it into the elevator and he sagged against the back wall. His knees desperately wanted to give out on him and just let his body fall like his tears were but Jude knew that he couldn't have a break down in the elevator. He needed to be somewhere else. He needed to be away from people. He wiped at his eyes and tried to keep himself together as he walked out of the elevator, though he was sure that he wasn't doing a good job of it. People averted their eyes as he stumbled out of the building. When he made it outside, Jude realized that he didn't know where to go. Stef and Lena were both at work and he wasn't sure that he wanted to see either of the anyway. He didn't want to admit to his fight with Connor. He didn't want to pour his feelings from inside of himself into the world. He didn't know what he wanted.

He got on the bus just so that he didn't stand in front of the hospital. He sat in the back and thought of the bus rides with Connor and the bus rides without him. He thought of every lonely journey back to his and Callie's attic and how glad he was that he didn't have to ever go back there. The only part of his old life that he missed was Callie's presence. Everything else he was glad to let fade from his mind. And, yet, Jude got off the bus in front of the youth centre. He had fought Callie nearly every time she had told him to go. He had hated it there. He walked by it, peeking in. Norma was still sitting at the front desk and he was sure that she would remember him but Jude didn't go in.

There was nothing for him here.

There was nothing for him anywhere.

Jude walked by the coffee shop but he felt no pull to go in. He couldn't walk in there without Connor. It wouldn't be right to buy a hot chocolate and not get the cinnamon bun to go with it. It was only as good as it was, Jude knew, because they shared it. He kept walking. The streets were familiar but there was no connection. There was no sense of homesickness and no sense of belonging. This place had wanted him about as much as he had wanted it.

Jude ended up on the beach, sitting in the sand and watching the waves roll. He didn't want to be here without Connor either because all he could think of was how much Connor liked the beach and how much better it would be to share a day like today with him. Except, apparently, Connor didn't even want him around. How could Connor say that? How could Connor say that to him? Connor loved him. Jude knew that Connor loved him and he knew that Connor was going through something but that wasn't an excuse to lash out at him. Jude didn't deserve it. And it was too damn hard to understand why Connor would say it.

Jude burst into tears, cuddling his knees into his chest and hiding himself away. He took comfort from the fact that no one here was going to know him. No one was going to take the time to look at him. He was going to be left alone, the sounds of the water and the gulls and the rapid beating of his own heart the only things that he had to care about. He could sit here and try and pretend like there was nothing more to the world than this. There was nothing to worry about, there was nothing to do, there was no one to see. It was just the ocean and the ocean didn't care about him. Why should it? Why should anyone? The first person who wanted him had just rejected him. Callie had been forced to carry the burden of him but Connor had chosen him. Connor had spoken to him first, had offered him friendship first, had kissed him first. Connor had chosen him and now he was choosing to send him away.

Jude supposed that everything had to end but he had never imagined that it would end in this kind of way. Connor was just supposed to be his. He was just supposed to be Connor's. Connor was the one that said that they were going to be friends in ten years. Jude was supposed to save his life and find the courage to tell Connor he loved him. This was how this story ended. It didn't end with Connor sending him away and Jude sitting alone on a beach.

Or maybe it did.

Jude peeked his head up, wiping his eyes and nose with his sleeve, watching the sun lower itself toward the water. He didn't know anything. He didn't have any power. He wasn't anyone.

"Jude?"

He wasn't alone anymore.

He frowned and looked up, shielding his eyes from the sun.

"Brandon?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Trying to think, I guess," Jude said vaguely, trying to be sneaky in wiping his eyes again. If he was going to confide in anyone, it wasn't going to be Brandon.

"Do you want a ride home? I'm heading out."

Jude looked up at him again and he realized that he should take the offer. He pushed himself to his feet and dusted off his jeans.

"Yeah. Thanks."

He awkwardly followed Brandon to the car, wondering if he should say something or not. Everyone else was so good at starting conversations but Jude didn't know if Brandon would do that. Or if Brandon even wanted to talk to him. He didn't know how much Brandon knew about him, though it might have been too arrogant to think that he was worth talking about and that Brandon knew anything about him.

"I don't miss this place," Brandon said after they were on the road.

"You don't?"

"I mean, parts but, for the most part, I don't feel homesick anymore. I like a bigger city. More people but I get to be more alone."

"Being alone is the worst."

"Then why were you sitting on the beach all by yourself?"

"Because I was left alone," Jude said. "I don't see why someone would choose to be lonely."

"Maybe being alone doesn't mean you are lonely."

Jude mused on that for a second. Realizing that they were closer to the house than he realized, he finally admitted, "I'm not sure what you mean by that."

"Maybe you don't have to."

Jude really didn't know what to say. He couldn't tell if Brandon was being cryptic to try and mess with him or if this was how Brandon really was. He remembered Mariana's words about how Brandon had become a little more arrogant since going off to university and maybe this was just it. Or maybe it was the fact that Brandon had made it to university and Jude was still in the second grade.

He pushed it away. He had enough to worry about. He pulled the visor down and looked at his face in the mirror. His face was a little puffy and his eyes were red. He definitely looked like he had been crying. Being in second grade didn't mean that he was a complete dunce and he knew that Stef or Lena or Stef and Lena were both going to notice and ask. Jude would have to try and answer.

He stepped out of the car and followed Brandon into the house, kicking off his shoes and putting his bag by the door. He could hear Jesus upstairs, talking loudly, and he could hear Stef and Lena in the kitchen. Brandon shouted an 'I'm home' before taking off up the stairs and Jude didn't know what to do to himself now that Brandon was back in his proper place in his room. He padded into the living room and sat down on the couch, staring at the black screen of the television. He understood Connor's disinterest in watching things now and maybe it was the most he had understood Connor in days.

"Oh, Jude, you're home too! We were just trying to figure out who was going to go pick you up at the hospital," Stef said.

"Brandon gave me a drive."

He looked up at Stef and he could actually see her stop and take in his face.

"Is everything okay? Do you want to talk about anything?"

Jude shook his head, feeling the tears pricking at his eyes again. "No. Is it okay that I don't want to talk about it?"

"Of course!" Stef sat down on the couch next to him. "If you change you're mind, we're right here to listen."

"Thanks." Jude struggled to take a deep breath. "Will you just sit with me for a while?"

"Yes, love, whatever you need."

She rubbed his shoulder and the tears just leaked faster down Jude's cheeks.

He just didn't know what to do.

If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Don't Go My Darlin' by The National Parks; and Soon Goodbye, Now Love by Tom Rosenthal.

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~