For what might have actually been the millionth time that day, Connor reached for the phone before pulling his hand back. If he had hair left, he'd probably be tearing it out in frustration at himself. As it was, he kept considering pulling out all of his medical tubes and wires and standing up and leaving the hospital. He didn't think he'd make it very far – he'd collapse in the elevator or a nurse would corner him in the hallway – but the later in the day it got, the more he considered it and the more he hated himself.
Jude hadn't come to see him today.
He wasn't surprised. If he were Jude, he wouldn't have shown up either. It was also why he couldn't make himself pick up the phone and call Jude. If Jude wanted to see him, Jude would be here. And Connor didn't know what to say to Jude either because he had already said way too much. He knew that he hadn't been a good friend to Jude the past few days, even though Jude had been a very good friend to him, as Jude had always been.
But what he had said yesterday … It wasn't how Connor had meant it. The way it had come out, the way that he and Jude had already been arguing, and the way that he had been acting before that, Connor knew why Jude had taken it the way that he had. He understood why Jude hadn't stood around to hear him out and he understood why Jude wasn't here now. Connor hated all of it with every fiber of his being because Connor had just been trying to tell Jude the truth. He was trying to get out the words that he realized he needed to tell Jude in the moment he had realized he was dying.
He was trying to tell Jude that he didn't want Jude as just as a friend. He was trying to tell Jude that he loved him. He knew that it wasn't going to matter in the end. He couldn't change that Jude didn't like boys and he couldn't change that Jude would only ever look at him like a boyfriend but Connor had thought that he should say it. He thought that Jude should knew and he thought that, when he died again and when he died for real, he would want to die knowing that he had said it, at least once.
Now he knew that he should have just kept his mouth shut. Then, he wouldn't have driven Jude away and he wouldn't have lost the person that meant the most to him. He didn't know what to do with himself without Jude anymore. He just wanted to look over and see Jude's bright blue hair and dark brown eyes as he talked about school or Callie or read or anything. He craved Jude's presence so much that he wondered if it was possible to be addicted to a person.
"Jude, I'm sorry I'm late, I –" Ms. Adams stopped in the doorway. "Where is he?"
"He didn't come today," Connor whispered, a deep sense of shame overcoming him as he admitted it. Jude wasn't here and it was all his fault.
"What?" Lena frowned and then promptly took the chair next to his bed. "Honey, I don't want to push but he was very upset when he came home last night. Did something happen?"
"Did Jude tell you about it?"
"No. He didn't want to talk about. He was very quiet last night."
Connor wavered for a moment. Ms. Adams had been his to trust first but she was Jude's foster mother now. If Jude hadn't told her, maybe it was because he didn't want her to know. His heart ached and Connor thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to give her a detail or two.
"We just kind of had a fight. My fault, not his, and he's right to be mad. I just wish he was here and mad."
Ms. Adams watched him, like she was expecting him to give her more details and he really did want to but he just didn't want to take away Jude's chance to tell her.
"My dad's mad at me too," Connor added, his bottom lip trembling. "I'm a pretty bad person."
"Oh, Connor …"
She reached out for him but Connor didn't deserve her comfort and he tucked his hand away from hers.
"Ms. Adams, will you tell Jude …" Tell Jude I'm sorry. Tell Jude I love him. Tell Jude I've done nothing but think of him. "Will you tell Jude I-I-I understand but I hope I'll see him soon."
"Okay. Do you want to call him, Connor? Do you have our number?"
"I do. I just … If he doesn't want to talk to me then I don't want to make him talk to me."
"All right. Would you like me to sit with you?"
"No, thanks. No offence, Ms. Adams, but you're not really who I want to see right now."
"None taken. When there's someone that you really want to see, it's hard for other people to measure up, isn't it?"
"It's, like, I'd rather be alone than have it not be Jude."
"Okay, I can take a hint." Ms. Adams stood and looked down at hi for a second. "Friends fight, you know. It doesn't mean they're not friends anymore."
"I'll believe it when he talks to me again," Connor said, forcing himself to smile, like he really didn't believe that Jude was never going to speak to him again.
"He will. You'll see him tomorrow, I bet."
"I'll believe that when I see it too," Connor said.
He let the smile drop away from his face as soon as Ms. Adams was gone. He fell back against his pillows and closed his eyes, taking deep breaths and imagining that Jude was going to walk through the door soon. He knew it wasn't true and he just felt empty all over. Jude's daily visits had been his source of strength and it was so much harder to care when was all alone and had forced away everyone that had just been trying to care about him.
He turned onto his side, even though it made his chest hurt more, because it didn't matter.
What was that pain compared to his broken heart?
(-.-)
Jude nibbled at the end of a carrot, not paying any attention to the conversation going around the dinner table. He kept glancing over at Lena but she didn't seem to notice his looks and it wasn't as though he wanted to really talk to her anyway. She had come home and given him Connor's message and Jude had felt suspicious ever since. I hope I'll see him soon? It didn't sound like something that would have come directly from Connor's mouth. It sounded like something that Lena would have doctored – not made up completely but changed slightly, either through remembering it differently or wanting to soften the blow of what was really on Connor's mind.
He couldn't keep himself from being slightly annoyed at everyone and he couldn't stop it. All day long, he had been climbing the walls of the house, knowing with absolute certainty that he was supposed to be somewhere else and, yet, he hadn't left the house. He hadn't gone anywhere. He had been chomping the bit all day while guilt set in. What if he was sitting here and Connor was dying? What was he sitting here for? Pride? Stubbornness?
He was sitting at home on the couch because Connor had broken his heart and Jude just wasn't ready to look at him again. He was sure that anyone who had been hurt the way that he had been hurt would agree with him. That, even though every day might be a last day for Connor, it didn't mean that Jude should force himself into forgiveness. Jude was allowed to feel what he was feeling and Jude was just feeling hurt.
He carried his sulkiness around with him all night and if he still had a room to claim as his, he probably would have retreated to it long ago. As it was, he ended up sitting on the couch, watching the rest of them laugh along to a movie while he chewed on his fingers and daydreamed of going to bed, just so that he wouldn't have to think about anything anymore. But Stef and Lena were clearly delighted to have their son in the house again and Mariana and Jesus had clearly missed their brother and, so, who was he to be annoyed that they were all camped out in what was supposed to be his bedroom. He was a foster kid. And foster kids were nobodies. They didn't matter. It was the one thing that Jude remembered from the system. Foster kids weren't real kids and only read kids mattered.
Finally, it seemed that they all seemed to tire of movie time together. Mariana had a project she needed to finish, Jesus and Brandon had somewhere they wanted to be tonight, and Stef and Lena had work in the morning. The kids cleared out first and Jude was left alone with Stef and Lena.
"What do you think, Jude? Are you ready to go to bed?" Stef asked.
"Yeah, I guess so. I just don't want to be awake anymore so I should probably just go to sleep."
"Okay. We'll just be upstairs if you need anything," Lena said. "You never know what will happen in the morning."
That was the problem. Jude had no idea what tomorrow was going to be like. He didn't know if he was going to see Connor tomorrow. If he did go and see Connor, he didn't know what would be said. If he didn't go and see Connor, he didn't know what he would do. He did have a vague idea of what he would feel like if he didn't go and see Connor and that was a lot like he felt like today and Jude hated how he had felt today. Yet, Connor hadn't called him or tried to make it right, except for that message through Lena and Jude had to really wonder how much Connor really did miss him. Connor had told him to go in the first place. Connor had said they weren't really friends. In the end, what was he really supposed to do with that?
He bid Stef and Lena goodnight and curled up on the couch. Whether the morning was good or bad remained to be seen. For now, Jude just had to figure out how to fall asleep.
(-.-)
"Jude! Phone!"
His pyjamas still on and his breakfast uneaten, Jude left the kitchen and took the cordless phone from Brandon's hand, his heart thudding double time in his chest. The only person who would be calling him was Connor and Jude didn't know if he was entirely ready for that interaction.
"Hello?"
"Did I wake you up?"
"Callie?!" Confused, Jude started up the stairs, wanting to keep his conversation to himself. "Why are you calling me today?"
"I have to start meeting with the lawyer on Tuesdays so I'm going to start calling you today instead but this is kind of early, isn't it?"
"I was already awake," Jude said blearily, closing the door to Brandon's bedroom behind him. The bed was unmade and he felt too awkward to sit there and so he sat on the floor, his back against the door. "How's your lawyer? What's going on?"
"So, I can reduce my sentence if I roll on the rest of them –"
"Do that," Jude said. "Reduce it. Get rid of it. Whatever they want."
"I'm not going to be able to get rid of it, Jude. I was a willing participant –"
"To take care of me," Jude interrupted. "Does that matter at all?"
"Apparently not," Callie said and she sighed. "I'd do it all again. I'd do it all for you."
"You were right, though, all along. It wasn't something that you should have had to do. You were a kid too."
Callie was quiet for a long minute.
"Are you happy?" she asked finally. "How are … Stef and Lena?"
"They're still really great. I'm in school. It's … what you wanted for us. You should be with me," Jude said, his fight with Connor weighing on him. Callie should be the person that he could turn to but he couldn't help but wonder if she would be glad if he and Connor were fighting, because it would make him seem a little less gay and a little less of a target.
"I'll be with you again someday."
"How long is the reduced sentence?"
"I don't know," Callie admitted. "I haven't told them anything yet because my lawyer is still working on the terms of the deal. I'm still looking at a few years. I did enough wrong."
"Can I come see you?" Jude begged, like he did every time he spoke to her. "Please. If they move you somewhere else and I don't get to come now –"
"I'll see you when I get out," Callie said, like she did every time she spoke to him.
"What if it's years from now? Callie, I need to see you and make sure that you're okay."
"I'm fine, Jude. I'm the one taking care of you –"
"You did that. Take care of you, now that you know I'm okay."
Callie sighed again. "You grew up too fast."
"So did you."
They were quiet for a moment, just listening to each other breathe, but that was something that Jude missed about Callie too. He missed just knowing where she was. He missed hearing her move about in the other room. He missed the casual exchange of information between two people who lived together and cared about each other.
"Promise me you're going to get out of there as soon as possible," Jude said. "I need you back in my life for real."
"Is something going on?" Callie asked and Jude could tell, just from her tone, that she was frowning. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm totally fine."
"Is your friend okay?"
Jude loved her for asking, as awkward as she sounded about it.
"Yeah, he's doing fine."
"Who answered the phone? Was that Jesus?"
"No, that was Brandon."
"The bio kid?"
"Yeah."
"And how's he?"
"Fine. We don't really have anything to talk about so we just mostly stay out of each other's way," Jude said. "Everyone here is fine. I think they like me. I know I like them."
"Do you promise me that you're all right?" Callie asked.
"I promise. Do you promise me you're all right?"
"As all right as I can be. Don't worry about me."
"Don't worry about me," Jude echoed. "I love you, Callie."
"I love you too. I'll talk to you next week, okay? Maybe not as early."
"I'd like that," Jude said.
"Okay," Callie said and he could tell that she was reluctant to hang up. He was too. "Bye."
"Bye."
They hung up and Jude was left staring at the phone in his hand. He couldn't just sit around, as much as he wanted to let the heaviness hang over him. Jude pushed himself to his feet and got dressed before taking the phone back downstairs. He slowed near the bottom of the steps when he heard his name. Even though he hadn't meant to eavesdrop on Brandon, Lena, and Stef, that was exactly what he was doing.
"Mom, are you sure?" Brandon asked. "He doesn't seem like a bad kid but …"
"You've been home all of three days, love," Stef said. "We've gotten to know him and we think that we're making the right decision."
"We're just worried about how he's going to take it. Jude isn't so good with change and we … well, we aren't convinced that we think it's a good thing."
"But you think it's a good thing?" Brandon clarified.
"Yes," Stef said, sounding certain.
"Have you talked to Mariana and Jesus?" Brandon asked. "Mariana, in particular, seems to like him."
"Oh, we have but we just don't know how Jude is going to take it. We know our family," Stef said. "He's an untrusting kid –"
"Not without reason," Lena added. "But, all he's ever known is his sister and bad foster parents. And now, with Connor and the kidney donation …"
"It's about waiting for a better time and if that's the better idea," Stef said. "We're still not sure about how to bring about the topic but we just thought, well, with you home so rarely, we don't want to make big changes while you're away."
"I'm not sure you need my opinion on this," Brandon said. "It's not like my life will end up any different. It's Jude."
"Yes, and that's our first thought, and our hesitation," Lena said.
"I would say just say it," Brandon said. "You know, let him think about it but just say it."
Jude placed the phone back in the cradle and walked out the front door, shutting it quietly behind him. On the front porch, he laced his sneakers and then he started walking. They wanted to get rid of him. Stef and Lena didn't want to foster him anymore. They didn't want him. That was as far as Jude's thoughts got, even though it wasn't a short walk to the hospital. He couldn't get past the fact that they didn't want him and he hadn't even seen it coming. The only reason they were debating keeping him was because of Connor. Jude could understand that. Why let being tired of Jude get in the way of saving someone else's life?
He walked straight into Connor's room, glad that it wasn't early enough that Adam wasn't there. He didn't even take the time to appreciate the relief on Connor's face at seeing him again and he didn't even register Connor's exclaim of: "Jude! I missed you. I –"
Jude interrupted him. "I hope you're happy. You don't want to see me again? Fine. You don't want to be my friend? Fine. You know why? Stef and Lena are giving me up. I'm going to be forced back into the type of foster home that Callie and I ran away from and I'm not going to be allowed to see you again. I'm going to move and this is going to be the end of us. Is that what you want?"
Connor sat up, stretching both hands toward Jude. "No, that can't be true. Jude –"
"It is true! I heard them this morning!"
"Jude, you're not going anywhere."
"What do you know?" Jude demanded, standing in the hospital room and feeling his knees shake. "Nothing about the system, that's what! No one wants kids like me and I should have seen this coming but I didn't! And I don't care if you don't want to be my friend because right now, I need you to be mine!"
Connor leant even further toward him, his hands stretching out, his body going as far as his medical leads would let him. "Jude, I am your friend. Come here."
Jude crawled in the bed, curling up against Connor.
"Oh, ow, watch me there though."
Jude recoiled his hand from the spot on Connor's chest, burying his face down on Connor's shoulder. Connor held him tightly.
"Jude, they're not going to get rid of you."
"You don't know that."
"And I'm so sorry," Connor said, his voice cracking. "I'm so sorry. I just meant –"
"I don't care," Jude admitted. "I don't. I just need to know you're sorry."
"I'm so sorry. I am. You're my best friend and I don't want you anywhere else."
Jude hiccoughed as Connor tucked their foreheads together.
"Think your dad will take me?"
"Yes. If that's what it takes."
Connor's arms tightened around him, even though there wasn't any strength in his arms, Jude still buried himself down against Connor, letting Connor be strong for him.
"I don't want to go," he whispered. "I like it there! I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know why they decided this! I want to stay with them! I can fix it. I can!"
"Did you talk to them?"
"No, I just heard them talking about it. I'm avoiding it. I don't want to go!"
"Maybe you won't. Maybe it will be all okay."
Connor's hand ran along his back and Jude just fell into him, trying to get himself under control. He shouldn't be shaking. He shouldn't be losing it like he was. He hadn't been living with them for too long and it shouldn't have surprised him at all that no one wanted to keep him and, yet, Lena had enrolled him in school like he was going to be with them in September for her to get him through. They had made him feel like he had a place and it just wasn't fair of them to do that and then immediately kick him out. The next place he went wasn't going to let him see Connor. The next place he went wasn't going to let him talk to Callie. The next place he went was going to be like all of the foster homes from before and Jude had lost his protector.
"You're not going to go anywhere."
"I know what I heard!"
"I know. But you just can't go … I'll miss you. I missed you yesterday."
"I missed you too," Jude murmured, feeling a little too embarrassed about the display of emotion that he was putting on.
"I'm sorry."
Jude nodded because he felt that it was the truth. He felt the sincerity in Connor's voice and he knew that if there was one person that he had to trust, it was Connor. Jude just couldn't be without him. He had never thought about giving up the life that he had now because he had already given up so much. He had been stupid. He had been lulled into a false sense of security because they were good people and they had really seemed like they had wanted to help him. Maybe they had but maybe it was just because they were good people. And Jude just wasn't good enough. He was a drain and a burden. He had asked them to do too much. They had other children. They had real children.
"Oh, Jude, there you are!"
He flinched at the sound of Stef's voice, peeking up from Connor to see both her and Lena standing in the doorway.
"Aren't you supposed to be at work?" he mumbled.
"We didn't even hear you leave the house this morning. We needed to make sure we knew where you were," Lena explained.
"Well, I'm here," Jude said quietly, ignoring Connor's nudging. He wasn't going to bring it up. "I'm okay."
"Are you sure?" Stef asked. "You look a little off, Jude."
"I'm fine."
"Ms. Adams," Connor said, and Jude closed his eyes. He didn't want Connor to say it but he also wasn't about to stop Connor from saying it. Just because Jude wasn't going to rip the bandage off himself didn't mean that it shouldn't come off. "I think you should go and talk to Jude in the waiting room. Both of you."
"All right," Lena said, and Jude could tell that she sounded confused. "Did something happen?"
"Kind of," Jude muttered, sitting up, though he wasn't quite ready to pull his hand free from Connor's. He was looking into their faces and he could tell that they had no idea what was going on and that hurt more. When had they been planning on telling him? If he hadn't heard them this morning, how long would he have gone on thinking that everything was absolutely fine?
"Let's go talk about it," Stef said.
Connor squeezed his hand and Jude stood up from the bed. Stef led the way to seats in the waiting room while Lena walked close to him. They sat on either side of him and Jude felt a little caged in.
"What do you need to talk about?"
Jude looked from one of them to the other one and then he stared down at his shoes, taking a deep breath. "I, um, I heard you this morning. Talking to Brandon."
"Oh, Jude," Lena said. "That wasn't how we meant for you to find out. Is that why you ran out the door this morning?"
Jude hung his head. "I didn't want to talk about it."
"We were going to talk to you soon," Stef said. "We weren't sure about how you were going to take it but we hoped that you were going to think of it as a good thing, even if it was a hard thing."
"A good thing!?" Jude exclaimed. "How? I really did kind of feel okay with you and you're going to send me away? Why would I see that as a good thing?"
Neither of them said anything and Jude's cheeks flamed from his outburst. That was exactly why they were giving him to different foster parents. Lena's hand touched his and he pulled away from her. He couldn't be comforted through this.
"Jude, that's not what you heard this morning," Stef said.
"Don't lie to me. I know what I heard."
"Okay," Lena said slowly. "I have no doubt about what you heard but you're putting it in the wrong context. We weren't talking to Brandon about sending you away. We were talking to Brandon about adopting you."
"Adopting me?" Jude repeated, unable to wrap his mind around the words. He was fifteen. Fifteen-year-old kids didn't get adopted.
"Yes. We were worried about what you would think because you haven't been with us for very long but when something is right, it feels right, and we feel that our family is complete when you are in the house with us," Stef said.
"And, we know that it's going to be harder to think about being adopted when you think of Callie," Lena added. "And we want you to know that she will always have a place with us too. Your family is our family. When she gets out, she will have somewhere to sleep and food to eat. We want to make sure that neither of you are alone again."
"I don't know what to think," Jude admitted.
"And that's okay. We know that it's a lot to think about," Stef said. "Take all the time you need. Know that Brandon, Mariana, and Jesus think that it's a good idea. They want you as a brother."
A brother. To be a brother to someone that wasn't Callie. To have parents that chose him.
"Think all you want," Lena said. "But, if you decide that being adopted isn't right for you, know that you're still welcome in our home. We're not going to turn you out. We love you, Jude, and we want you in our lives."
They loved him.
Jude felt like the whole world was spinning.
"I … I need … I need space." He couldn't breathe. His bones even felt empty.
"Do you want us to go?"
Jude nodded at Stef. He just wanted to be back with Connor. He just wanted to not look at them. He just wanted to feel like he understood what was going on around him.
"Okay. We're a phone call away if you change your mind and want to talk to us," Lena said. "We'll come pick you up tonight."
"Okay. Bye."
"Bye."
Jude left them behind and made it back to Connor's room, feeling unsteady all the while. He felt like he was trapped in a haze and nothing was coming into focus for him. They wanted to adopt him? Adopted! Him! He would have a new name. He would have a new family. It would just be one ore thing to come between he and Callie. They wouldn't even be bonded in name anymore. So much had changed. Jude wasn't sure he was ready for that to change too. But if turned down the adoption, wouldn't they feel slighted? They might not think that things would change and that their feelings would stay the same, but Stef and Lena couldn't know that for sure. Just like Jude couldn't be sure of anything.
"Hey, what happened?" Connor asked. "Are you okay? What … Are they really giving you up?"
"Um …" Jude sat down on Connor's bed, trying to gather his words. Connor's hand reached out and Jude watched the trembles before grabbing onto him and holding the both of them steady. "No … No, they want … They want to a-a-ad-adopt me."
"Jude!" Connor started to smile and then it started to fade as he looked at Jude. "Is that not a good thing?"
"It's supposed to be a good thing, I think," Jude murmured. "I know they want me to be happy about it. But there's just so much … It's so much."
"Are they making you figure it out now?"
"No," Jude said. "But, I should know now, shouldn't I? Shouldn't it be something that you just know?"
Connor shook his head a little at him. "I look like a jerk."
"What? Why would you say that? What does that have to do with anything?" Jude demanded. He was freaking out and Connor was talking about himself? What did that have to do with anything at all?
"I didn't say it."
"You just –"
"You said it and you were so distrustful of me for so long –"
"Well, you were lying to me."
"Jude, you didn't know. There's no way that you knew that we were going to be like this. It's okay to not know, especially right away. What you do know is that Stef and Lena also know that."
Jude sighed. "I just didn't see it coming. I don't … I don't know what to think. I feel like I'll just be thinking about it forever and I won't know. I'll never figure it out!"
"Jude?"
"What?"
"That's okay too."
Jude face-planted into the bed and let out a long groan. He felt like he was spinning at a hundred miles an hour. He couldn't even bring himself to roll into Connor and cuddle him, even though Connor was clearly trying to cuddle Jude. In the end, Connor ended up petting his hair as Jude remained motionless, face down in the blankets and trying to calm his spinning thoughts. Adopted?
"Jude?"
"What?"
"I'm, um, going to fall asleep soon. I just don't want to do that before I know you don't want to talk."
Jude rolled over, the lights of the hospital feeling too bright after the tie he spent in darkness. He and Connor fit around one another so that they were both lying on their backs, staring up at the ceiling.
"I don't think so. Maybe I'll have something to say by the time you wake up."
"Maybe."
Jude didn't really think that he would have anything new to say. He couldn't imagine where a breakthrough was going to come from while he was sitting here but he would much rather be sitting here than thinking of going back to Stef's and Lena's house. Would they be waiting to talk about it? Would they bring it up?
"Jude?"
"What?"
"If my dad comes, will you give him the note inside of my book? It's in the back."
"Okay. What's the note to your dad for?" Jude asked, staring at him with sudden concern. Was Connor handing out goodbye letters? Jude just couldn't take that now.
"You're not the only person I've been a jerk too but he won't … You two are different."
"Different how?"
"You yelled at me. Called me on it. Let me apologize. Dad just comes in and sits and he won't let me say anything. Which, I get. I said some terrible things but I wasn't feeling right."
"Not an excuse."
"An explanation," Connor corrected. "Anyway, I thought I could make him listen to me if I wrote it down."
"I'll make sure he gets it," Jude promised.
It wasn't long before the nurse came in with Connor's medication and he was asleep. Jude sat up slightly and looked down at his best friend before he looked over his shoulder to see if anyone was about to walk in. Seeing no one, Jude pulled down the front of Connor's hospital gown again, looking at the burn marks on his chest again. They didn't look like they were any better than the last time that he had looked and, even though it had only been a few days, Jude was hoping to see that they were looking so much better. He just wanted a reason to feel less worried but he knew that he wasn't going to get one. His eyes drifted from the burns to how skeletal Connor looked and then Jude quickly put the hospital gown back into place.
"I'm taking the last round of tests tomorrow," he told Connor. "It looks good. Looks like I'm going to be a good match. Stef and Lena just need to hear back and … then you'll be okay. You just have to hang on until you're okay."
Connor didn't stir but Jude hadn't expected him to. He never did. Jude took Connor's hand in his own and just sat there with him and watched him breathe. It was something rhythmic to calm his thoughts and he just wanted to pluck his own eyeballs out when he let his thoughts get too far away from him. He didn't want to talk about it anymore, not really, because he had nothing new to say. Not to Connor, not to Lena, not to Stef. He was worried that Mariana or Jesus or Brandon would ask him about it because he wouldn't have any idea what to say to them. Even if Stef and Lena didn't feel rejected, they might, and Jude had to admit, that he liked them. Particularly Mariana who definitely seemed to like him. It was thinking of Mariana that made Jude realize that the only person he could talk to was his sister. But Callie was so far away and Jude couldn't just call her whenever he wanted. Maybe she would have the breakthrough he wanted. Or maybe he would have it before he talked to her again and he would know what he wanted.
He was so lost in thought that he jumped when Adam walked into the room.
"Oh, Jude, you're here today."
"Yeah." He didn't want to talk about the day that he had spent sulking at home. He shouldn't have done it. He should have been here, even if he was mad. "Oh, Connor wanted me to give this to you."
Jude pried his hands off of Connor's and reached for Connor's copy of To Kill A Mockingbird. He flipped through the pages quickly, finding the note tucked into the back few. He pulled it out and handed it to Adam, who just tucked it into his pocket without unfolding it.
"You're not going to read it?"
Adam shook his head. "No, I read it yesterday, when he fell asleep writing it. He, uh, doesn't want to be in the hospital anymore and I … I don't know how to tell him that I can't bring myself to take him home."
"What do you mean?"
"Did he tell you that he wanted me to take him home?"
Jude nodded.
"He wants me to take him home to die. I know that he's given up on the miracle and I can't blame him for that. He's the one in pain. He's the one they're medicating and prodding and shocking back to life. And, I know the reality, but it's not over until he's really dead and until then, there's a part of me that's hanging onto the hope that there is a kidney out there and that he will get it in time."
Jude bit down on his lip, thinking you're talking to the kidney. "I know how you feel about all of that."
"If I take him home and his heart stops again or if I take him home and he gets a kidney but I can't get him to the hospital in time … I mean, he was in the hospital the last time we had a kidney match and he still didn't get it. I don't think I could live with myself if I took him home because I would always wonder: if I left him here, with all of this care, and all of these doctors, would he still be here? But how do you deny your dying son his last wish? I'm being a coward, Jude, and I know that."
"I don't know what to tell you."
"No," Adam said, and he sounded startled. "Why would you? You're only fifteen."
"Connor's almost sixteen," Jude said.
"A couple of weeks," Adam said. "I want him to have his birthday so badly. I didn't know his fifteenth birthday might be his last one. He was actually doing okay this time last year. He'd been finished with his last round of chemo for long enough that he was keeping food down and he had energy. We went to a baseball game. He had a chocolate cake. We even played a little bit of catch in the backyard. I don't remember the last time we did that."
"It sounds like a good day," Jude said, looking down at Connor. It had been so long since his best friend had been healthy.
"It was. And he did pretty good until last … It was the end of July or the beginning of August and that was when his test results started looking kind of bad again." Adam rubbed at his eye and then reached forward to adjust the brim of Connor's hat. "I know it probably won't be a good day by anyone's standards but I still want to have that day, Jude. Every time something happens now, I keep thinking that I have to remember it because it'll probably be the last time. The last time he reads that chapter or watches that movie or … But you've probably thought about all of that already."
"I have. Even though I know you are thinking about it too, though, I like hearing that you are," Jude admitted. "'Cause I know Connor's thinking about it but I think it's different for him."
"Yeah, I think it is too."
Adam looked at the time. "Jude, I'm going to talk to him about this note tomorrow morning so if you walk in and he's in a bad mood –"
"I'll know why," Jude surmised. "Okay. I'll keep that in mind."
Adam excused himself from the room and Jude picked up Connor's hand again.
"You'll be okay," he told Connor. "It wasn't your last birthday. This one won't be either. I promise."
Jude looked over his shoulder again to make sure that Adam was really gone and then he leant forward to kiss Connor's cheek.
He really promised.
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Away Frm U by Oberhofer; and The Projectionist by Sleeping At Last.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~