Connor picked at his breakfast reluctantly. He didn't want to eat; it kind of hurt to eat. He had an IV because of his lack of appetite. He kept glancing over at his father, who kept looking at the still full breakfast tray. Finally, Connor realized that that he'd have to talk to Adam first but he was afraid to initiate the conversation, lest his father point out what a jerk he'd been and refused to talk to him.
"Did you read my note?" Connor's voice cracked and all he felt was frustration. Adam was his father; it shouldn't be so hard to talk to him.
"Yes. I've been thinking about it all night. You don't need to apologize for lashing out, Connor. Your heart stopped. There has to be a lot feelings there that we can't understand. I forgive you for that."
"Thank you," Connor said, balling the blanket up in his hands and trying to gather his courage. "What about the other part?"
"No. You're in the hospital for a reason. You're going to stay here for that reason."
"Dad –"
"I'm not talking about it. It's not happening. You can go home when you're healthy."
"Dad –"
"No. We're not discussing it."
Connor shoved his breakfast tray away. He really couldn't eat now.
"Don't be upset. It's for the best."
"You can't tell me that and then not talk about it! I want to be in my bed, with my cat."
"The cat is fine. Eat your breakfast."
Adam really wasn't seeing the point. Instead of reaching for his food, Connor settled back against his pillows, not caring that Adam was watching him judgementally. Adam couldn't judge him when Adam had broken his heart. Connor had been so sure that Adam would let him go home, once he finally asked. He was dying! He should have, at least, Adam's sympathy for that. His own father should have been able to do this for him. Connor's last wish was to go home.
One of Connor's last wishes. Jude drifted across his mind and Connor just crossed his arms over his chest, far beneath his bandages. Jude had accepted his apology but hadn't wanted to hear his reasons for saying what he had and being the way he had been. Connor knew that he couldn't force Jude to hear him out and if Jude had already dropped the subject, then he probably shouldn't bring it up again, but Connor just couldn't stop thinking that he had only been a few words away from telling Jude how he felt and getting those words out in the open. It was futile. He knew it. But with every beat of the heart that had stopped, Connor couldn't stop thinking about his best friend.
"Don't be angry, Connor. This is the best thing for you. I'm your father. I know what that is."
"I don't get a say in what happens in my life?"
"I'm making sure that you have a life," Adam said.
"Whether I die here or die at home, I'm still dying!"
"Connor, we are not discussing this any further. Eat your breakfast."
Connor rolled onto his side, careful of his tubes and wires, turning his back on his father.
(-.-)
"Thank you for helping me," Jude said, trying not to sound awkward or embarrassed. He really was grateful. He just hated that he had to ask in the first place.
"Well, what are foster brothers for," Brandon replied, moving his pen across the worksheet that Jude had handed him.
"Math's my worst subject," Jude admitted. "Connor usually helps me but he's been worse than I am lately when it comes to homework and I wanted to make sure that this one was right before I talked to Lena."
"Well, you have eight out of ten problems right," Brandon said. "That's really good."
"It's not ten out of ten. I want to get it really right."
"All right. Well, do you want to try them again on your own or would it be more helpful if I talked you through them?"
"Just give me a hint on where I went wrong," Jude said.
"You keep dropping the number instead of carrying it so watch for that."
Jude pulled the sheet back toward him and shifted from foot to foot as he leant against the island and put his pencil back to paper. He could tell that Brandon was just waiting for him to finish and that made him feel even antsier. He didn't like knowing that he was being watched; it made it that much harder to concentrate and Jude could barely concentrate as it was. His eyes kept drifting from his page to look at Brandon. Finally, Jude gave up – which he knew he shouldn't do – but Brandon was right. Eight out of ten was fine and, really, he did need someone to guide him through. He didn't want to ask Brandon, even though he was standing right there. It had been hard enough asking for help when Brandon had just casually strolled into the kitchen. He couldn't do it again.
"Are you glad to be heading back to college?" Jude asked, flipping the worksheet over.
Brandon nodded. "I haven't missed sharing a bathroom with Jesus."
Jude let out a laugh because Jesus was definitely the biggest bathroom hog in the house.
"I bet you're glad to get your bed back," Brandon added.
"It's still your bed," Jude said. "I'll just be using it."
Brandon tapped his fingers on the counter. "Well, I am gone a lot. And, you never know what will happen."
Jude sighed. He hadn't spoken to Callie yet and he'd told himself he'd wait to talk about it until then but he was holding so many different things back and a person just got tired of doing that. And Brandon knew the most. Brandon was the reason he knew.
"They asked me already," Jude confessed.
Clearly, Brandon hadn't heard that part. "Did you say 'no'?"
"I said 'I don't know'. I just haven't been here for very long. My whole life, the only person I've had is my sister. I don't think I can start thinking of having parents or siblings." Jude clamped his mouth shut. It was all things he'd said to Connor already but saying it to Brandon felt different. He waited for Brandon to say something – maybe something comforting and optimistic like Connor always tried to do – but Brandon just kept looking at him and, so, Jude felt the impulse to add, "I overheard you the other morning. It sounded like you were okay with them adopting me. Why? You don't know me. Like, at all."
"Things were better when they adopted the twins. I know, it was a long time ago, but the more family, the better. They've fostered other kids and tried to have biological kids but it never worked out, for whatever reason. And, with the other foster kids, Mom and Lena knew pretty quickly if they'd be permanent or not. They're sure about you and I can't be against that when I agree with them that more family is better."
"Thanks," Jude said. "I think I needed to hear that."
"They'll keep fostering you even if you say 'no' to the adoption."
"They said that. And, I like it here. They're good people."
"No one can tell you what to do."
Except Callie. No matter what, Jude knew nothing could be said until he talked to Callie. She was the one who always made these kinds of decisions for him. Even if she wasn't here and living the day to day with him, Jude couldn't say anything without knowing what she thought.
"I wish I could tell me."
Brandon laughed. "Well, good luck. I hope you'll stay here, anyway … I'm going to go shower before dinner. Did you need anything else?"
"No, thanks."
Brandon nodded and left while Jude face-plated himself on the counter. He wished the word adopted had never been brought up so that he wouldn't have to be so confused. He supposed it couldn't be taken back now, even if Stef and Lena had been careful not to bring it up or push him since asking.
Only two days until he got to talk to Callie. He could hold it together for two more days.
He could.
(-.-)
Jude answered the phone on the first ring, tucking himself against Brandon's bedroom door to make sure that he wasn't overheard. Well, it was his bedroom again, he supposed, now that Brandon had gone, but it didn't feel like his. If he was meant to be adopted and he was meant to be here, shouldn't it feel like his?
"Callie?"
"Jude! Are you okay? You sound off."
It was a relief that she was able to tell. Callie hadn't stopped knowing him, even though they had been apart for so long.
"No, I have something to tell you."
"Did something happen? Are you hurt?"
"I'm not hurt. I'm just confused. Something happened …"
"What is it?" Callie cooed. "You can tell me anything."
"Stef and Lena asked to adopt me."
"What!?"
Jude listened for anything other than shock in her exclamation but he couldn't pick it up. "I know. I'm all confused about it and then, you know, yesterday, I was sitting in the doctor's office –
"Doctor?"
"And I heard that my tests all came back positive and I thought that being adopted and not being a foster kid might help my chances with Connor, so …" Jude trailed off as Callie shrieked again, realizing that he had intentionally not being telling her about the kidney. But once he had opened the floodgates to Callie, he had forgotten all about that.
"What does Connor have to do with this?"
"He's dying but I'm a kidney match so, um, I'm trying to give him mine … You know, so he can live."
"You're giving away body parts?"
"Cal –"
"I barely leave you alone and you're giving away your body parts! Jude, I cannot believe you!"
"Let me explain!"
"No! What is wrong with you?"
"Nothing, compared to what's wrong with him!"
"Jude, it's not happening. Visiting hours are on Thursday and you had better be here because I need to knock some sense into you!"
"You want me to come see you?"
"Don't sound so happy about it," Callie snapped. "I'm not happy about anything you've been up to!"
"Callie!"
"Thursday. I have a lot to think about."
"I'll be there," Jude promised. "I've missed you."
"I love you."
"You too," Jude said, but he barely got the words out before she hung up on him.
Jude tried not to roll his eyes at his sister's dramatics. He put the phone down and took off down the stairs. Stef was getting home from a late night shift and was still in the kitchen, nursing a cup of tea.
"Callie's going to let me go see her on Thursday! Can I go? Please? Can I go?!"
"Of course." Stef rested her hand across his. "I'm glad she's changed her mind. I know you've missed her."
"I have!" Jude couldn't keep the grin off his face. "I'm going to see Callie!"
"You're going to see Callie!" Stef exclaimed, forcing the exhaustion off her face to celebrate with him. "We'll double check visiting hours and make sure that you're there."
"Thank you!" Impulsively, Jude hugged her. "I'm going to go to the hospital! I have to tell Connor!"
"You're going to be early if you leave now," Stef warned him.
"Not if I walk," Jude said.
"I can drive you, love."
"No, don't worry about it. Really, I need to walk or I'm going to explode off the walls all day and Connor really doesn't need me doing that."
"I'm sure. Has he been okay?"
"Um. They had to put him on oxygen so he has something else hanging off him now. Now that Dr. Yang said that I'm a perfect candidate for the transplant and she's talked to Dr. Meyer, do you have any idea when the court date will be set?"
"No. Soon. If we haven't heard from them by Monday, I'll give them a call."
Jude couldn't help but dip his knees in frustration. "Monday is so far away!"
"Give it time, Jude."
"I have time to give," Jude said grumpily. "But, okay …"
"Go get dressed before you're bouncing off these walls."
"Okay."
Jude hurried up the stars to get dressed. He stuffed all of his things into his bag, brushing his teeth and combing his hair. He nearly ran over Stef in the stairway but she just laughed at him and sent him out the door. Jude made it to the hospital in record time and, even though he hadn't intended for it to be that way, he was still early for visiting hours. Only by five minutes and he was sure that no one would mind so he crept up the stairs, trying to delay himself, and then heading into Connor's room.
Connor managed to lift his hand in the slightest wave.
"I have good news!"
"Tell me."
Jude sat on the edge of the bed. "Your lips look dry. Do they sting? Where's that stuff?"
"By my book. Thanks."
Jude put the Chapstick on Connor's lips, chattering, "I talked to Callie this morning."
"What did she say about the adoption?"
"That's just the thing, she didn't know what to say!" Jude fibbed. "She just told me to come see her on Thursday! Oh, but I'll probably be late to see you –"
"I have dialysis. It doesn't matter anyway."
"I don't know. It matters a little –"
"Jude, you see me everyday. See Callie. It's been so long."
"I know! I'm so excited!"
Connor hooked his fingers over Jude's. "I'll be here on Thursday."
"I've heard that before."
"And I'm still here."
But, barely. He was getting shakier and paler by the day and Jude couldn't remember the last time that he had actually seen Connor get out of bed. He was only awake for half of the time that they spent together now and, though he apologized for it, Jude knew that he couldn't help it.
"I hate that you look at me like that," Connor murmured.
"What?"
"Like I'm dying."
Jude slid their fingers together, trying not to squeeze too hard. Connor hurt all over lately and Jude was actually getting to see him slip away. He had been hoping that he would have the court date – or better yet, have already handed over his kidney – before he had to see Connor get so sick. The longer Connor was like this, the less likely it was that Jude would save him and Jude had to save him, now that he knew that he had the ability to do it.
"You aren't funny."
"Come on." Connor pulled his hand out of Jude's and tried to push himself up so that he was sitting more.
"You have a bed that will move for you in this kind of situation." Jude grabbed the remote, moving it up. "What are you doing?"
"Let's play cards."
"Really?"
"Yeah. It's been a long time since we've played."
It had been but Jude had just assumed there had been a reason for that and he hadn't wanted to push. Now that Connor was offering, it was too tempting and Jude wasn't about to say no. He didn't know if Connor would ever ask him to again and if things went wrong, he wanted to remember the last time.
"If you're sure."
"I wouldn't ask if I wasn't."
Jude pulled his cards out of his bag and then pulled Connor's tray across his bed so that they would have a surface to play on. He shuffled his cards, watching Connor watch his hands.
"Is it hard to shuffle like that?"
"No. Once you get used to it. There was a guy in the park, some kind of street magician. Before I went to the Centre, Callie and I would hang out there. When I found my cards, I asked him to teach me because he was really good at it. I used to get the cards everywhere. It was like they would explode out of my hands."
Connor chuckled at him and it turned into a cough.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Come on. Deal. Stop showing off."
For a moment, he sounded like he used to, when they were sitting at the coffee shop and they were both pretending that nothing was wrong with either of their lives and they were just together, like there was nothing else in the world. Their worlds had gotten a lot smaller – there was no coffee shops or movie theatres or trips to the beach to sit in the sand – but Jude believed they would get the world back.
They would go and have hot chocolate on the beach and Jude might even get up the courage to tell Connor the truth about his feelings. He likely wouldn't, Jude mused, throwing his card on the table while Connor made a face at him. But, if Jude could save Connor's life, then maybe he could truly do anything.
Even be himself.
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Flying High by Jem; and Say Something by A Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilera.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~