Jude's heart was in his throat when Lena picked him up from the hospital. He couldn't just blurt out that he'd made his decision. Not without both of them there. He had thought about practicing how to tell them on the drive to the car but there was something solemn in Lena's face tonight that kept him distracted and Jude wondered if he had missed his window, if something had shifted after all.
When they got into the car, she didn't pull the keys out of her pocket. Instead, she ceremoniously handed him an envelope. It was official looking and fear shot through him. They wouldn't have adopted him without his say so, would they? He hadn't thought they were that kind of people! He pulled open the envelope but he hesitated before pulling out the paper inside.
"Um, what is it?"
"It's about your court date, about Connor. We wanted you to open it yourself."
He supposed he should have guessed that. Somehow, he was even more nervous knowing that's what it was. He pulled out the page. It was simple and less long-winded then he would have liked, telling him when he was expected and where he was expected.
"That's Connor's birthday!" Jude exclaimed, surprised that the date they had picked was one that meant something. "Nine A.M.!"
"Oh, Jude! That's so close!"
But it was so far away too. Connor's birthday felt like it was never going to happen and not just because it was more than Connor's birthday now. It was the thing that Adam had been hoping for all along: that Connor would live to turn sixteen. Since the first time that Adam had said that, Connor's birthday had seemed impossibly far but, now, it seemed even further away. Connor was struggling to make it through the day. How was he going to get through the time between now and his birthday?
"It's a good sign. They recognize that it's a pressing situation," Lena said, trying again, even though pressing situation was the understatement of the century and Jude just stared down at the piece of paper.
"If he makes it to his birthday, that's when I find out if he lives or dies. Is that … fair? Or funny? That's so stupid!"
"Jude, it's a date and a time. That's not stupid."
"You know what I mean, though, don't you?" Jude asked, looking away from the page and into Lena's sympathetic face. "It's his birthday."
"And, Jude, what if it's good news? Wouldn't that be the most amazing birthday present?"
"It would be," Jude agreed, feeling the hint of a smile on his face. "Do you really think this is going to happen? The more that happens the less real it feels and I-I-I … Wow."
Lena rubbed his shoulder. "Still feeling sure?"
"Of course! I just … might really get to do this. He keeps getting sicker and, sometimes, looking at him, it feels like he won't ever get better or that I'm crazy to think that this one thing that I do will be what he needs to get better but … I can do that one thing, can't I?"
"Sometimes that one thing is all anyone needs. You just doing all of this in the first place is –"
"Jude, you're our family. Whether you say yes to the adoption or not, this is how we feel about you. We will go above and beyond for you, to support you and the choices you make."
"Even if you think it's the wrong one?" Jude asked.
"Yes. You need to make your own choices and learn from them. We're not going to let you get yourself into any major trouble but it's not up to us to live your life. Plus, you're not a little kid anymore. We can't lecture you."
Jude looked down at the court paper in his hand, bending the corner of it. The questions he had bubbling in him, he forced back down. He should be talking to both of them, not just Lena. "Um, do you think that Stef is home by now? I want to tell her about this."
And his decision about the adoption but he was so, so nervous about it that he wondered if it couldn't wait for another day.
Lena smiled warmly at him. "She should be. Let's go home and find out."
Jude nodded and then looked down in the paper in his lap as they drove off. Connor's birthday. He'd know on Connor's birthday. He hugged the paper to his chest. As Adam as always hoped, Connor had just needed to make it to his birthday. Then, hopefully, it would all be uphill from there. His heart was in his throat when they pulled into the driveway and he followed Lena in through the door. Stef was in the kitchen and she called out a happy hello to them when she heard the front door.
Jude took his shoes off, taking stock of the house, like it was his first night here all over again. It was clean, it was warm, the walls felt happy. It was more than clear that they had a family and that their family was a good one. It was the type of home that could make anyone feel comfortable and Jude wondered what was wrong with him that he sometimes still felt edgy and cagey. Not as badly as he did when he was still living at Nic's but sometimes, even when warm and comfortable in a real bed knowing that he was surrounded by people that weren't going to hurt him, he still felt like he was standing on the edge of a cliff and that he could possibly fall right off. As stable as Stef and Lena were and as much as he liked it here, Jude just didn't know if he could ever be a stable person.
"I got my court date!" Jude exclaimed as soon as he saw her. "It's on Connor's birthday. I thinkthat's crazy because it's his birthday but it's at nine a.m."
Stef hugged him and Jude froze for half a second at the unexpected contact before throwing his arms around her.
"At least you know when it's going to happen! This is a good sign, Jude!"
"I know, I know! It's really here!"
The fact that in Stef and Lena were so excited for him made Jude feel like he was boosted all over again.
"I just can't wait to see Connor's face if … if it happens. No, when. I … He's just looked so sick for so long that I just want to see him happy."
Happy, like he was when Jude brought Jellybean in. He wanted to see the look on Connor's face when he realized that he was getting a fighting chance and that he was going to get to go home again. This was going to work – Jude had to believe in that – as long as Connor held on until his birthday.
"Are you hungry? You've been at the hospital all day."
"I'm always at the hospital all day," Jude said as Stef turned away from him to pick up a plate.
"I know. You and Connor are probably both going stir crazy, are you?"
"Yeah. Adam too. Honestly, I think the hospital room drives him crazier than it does either of us," Jude admitted, filling his plate and the following Lena to the kitchen table.
Lena clicked her tongue as the three of them took their usual seats around the table and Jude took a moment to appreciate that he now had a usual seat.
"That poor man. I honestly don't know how he does it." Lena's eyes met Stef's. "If any of our kids … And he's all alone."
Jude took his opportunity while he had it. "Um, speaking of your kids …"
Both Stef and Lena turned to look at him and though there was nothing intimidating about either of them, necessarily, Jude suddenly felt very intimidated. His throat closed up and he went over everything that Callie had said to him and everything that he had said to Connor this afternoon in his head very quickly.
"I, uh … Um, I mean, I've been thinking about the adoption."
Stef's expression softened while Lena couldn't hide her flash of excitement before she said, "You don't need to rush into a decision. We love you and we're here for you, no matter what."
"Thanks. Um, I just wanted to ask some questions if that's okay."
"Anything you want to know," Stef promised, and Jude believed her.
"You said Callie would have a place here, when she got out. Did you mean that? Because I just can't imagine you'd want to deal with that, that anybody would."
"Callie's your family and you're our family. That means she belongs here too," Stef said. "And it's not about being officially adopted or that she'll be an adult. She's someone who needs help and we believe that you offer all the help you can to family."
"I'll be sixteen in November," Jude said, "which is a long way away, I know, but I'm fifteen now. There's a reason people adopt little kids. Three years and I can be on my own so what's the point? Why do you want me?"
"See above," Stef said with a laugh and then she became a little more serious. "Love, it's not about age. It's not about being able to tell you we changed your diapers or taught you to speak or being there for your first steps. A family is like a puzzle and you're the piece that fits. We would never want to change that, even if we could. We wish we could have known you longer but we're glad to know you now."
"So glad to know you now," Lena repeated. "And family doesn't stop the day you turn eighteen. We'll be here for you as long we're alive. It doesn't matter if you're fifteen or fifty."
Jude tapped his fork against the table and then realized that it was probably rude and let it drop to the table top instead. "I don't know how to have parents."
"Well, we don't know what it's like to have you as a son, not until we met you anyway," Lena said. "It's a learning curve for all of us but we really do want the best for you and we are really hoping that you think we're the best for you too. And that you do think of us as just more than people who took you in because we see you as more than just someone that we took in."
"This is the best place I've ever lived in and you're the best people I think I've ever met," Jude said honestly. "No one else would do this."
"Honey," Lena said hesitantly, "if you say yes to this, we want it to be because you feel like part of the family, not because you're worried that if you say no, we won't let you stay. No matter what, we want you here."
"Callie's been my only family, as long as I can remember. There's never been anyone who's even wanted me to feel like their family and I can't help but feel that wanting a family that didn't involve her, that wasn't happening with her, or was her, would be like leaving her behind and I thought talking to her would help but she just made me more confused."
"We aren't leaving her behind. We want you to call her and write to her. Any time she wants to see you, we'll make sure that you get there," Lena said. "You and Callie are a package and we've accepted that."
"Look at the twins," Stef said with a smile. "Clearly, we go for the two for one deal."
Admittedly, Jude grinned at the joke too. "If you adopted me, would I have to change my name? I couldn't want a name that Callie didn't have. Changing it would be like cutting her off."
It was one of the questions he was most worried about. Of course they would want him to change his name! He would be family, they would all belong to each other, of course they should all have the same last name. Wasn't that how families worked? But Callie was his family first and she was never going to get a different name.
Stef and Lena glanced at one another before Stef carefully took the reins to answer his question.
"Nothing says you have to change your name. Just like adopting you instead of fostering you wouldn't change how we feel about you, neither would you staying Jude Jacob."
Well, that wasn't what Jude had been expecting to hear at all, but if Stef and Lena had been like he had expected, Jude would have been so incredibly unhappy here.
"You know what I thought was impossible?" Jude asked the two of them suddenly.
"What?" Lena asked.
"To have somewhere I felt like I belonged. I mean, I didn't belong in any of the foster homes and I never felt like I belonged at Nic's. And I didn't think that I could belong here either, because you had other kids and lives and why should they even like me? Why should you even like me? But you help me in school and take me to see my best friend every day. Mariana helps me do my hair and Brandon even helped me with homework and Jesus kicks me out of the room when he wants to talk to his girlfriend on the phone but I think that's also what brothers do sometimes. You let me talk to my sister, even though she's never met you, Lena, and she was a jerk when she met you, Stef, and I … I look forward to coming here every night. I think of here as home and … without realizing it, I started to feel like you were my family too and I don't know when it happened but it did so …" Jude took a deep breath to calm himself. He stared down at his fingers for a moment and then he looked up at the two of them. He should be looking at them when he said it. "So, if you still want me, I'd really like to be adopted by you."
Before he knew it, they were both hugging him tightly, their forgotten dinner cooling on the table. He let each of them take his hands and he tried not to cry when Lena kissed his cheek.
"We would still love to adopt you," Stef promised. "More than anything."
And he really believed she meant it.
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: I'm Waiting Here by David Lynch ft. Lykke Li (reader recommended); and Left To Dry by Shaimus.
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