"And, so, the next time that Mariana and Jesus are both going to home for dinner is the day after tomorrow so that's when they're going to make the official announcement to them but it's going to happen. I'm going to get adopted."
He wasn't sure what felt less real at this point, saying that he was going to get adopted or hearing that he was this close to giving Connor a kidney.
"Are you happy about it?"
"Yeah," Jude said. "I am. Callie was talking about the logical stuff but that's not what I'm thinking of. But it's kind of fast and that scares me."
"Because you hate change."
"Well, why wouldn't I?" Jude asked with a snort. "But I'm more scared of not being there and losing them and I think that means more than all of Callie's reasons."
Jude crossed his legs underneath of him, adjusting himself at the end of Connor's bed.
"I've been thinking about my birthday," Connor said, jumping topics.
"Ten days," Jude chirped.
"Nine," Connor corrected.
Jude paused and then counted off on his fingers. "Well, you knew I was bad at math."
"You can just say I'm right," Connor said, laughing breathlessly.
"No, I don't think I actually can," Jude mused and Connor laughed hard enough that he ended up coughing. "Easy. You okay?"
Connor nodded, waving away the water glass Jude offered. Jude fussed with the blankets until Connor was leaning back against the pillows, breathing normally. He put his hand over Jude's, stilling the hand that Jude still had curled around the top of his sheet.
"Mother hen," Connor accused.
"I'm saving up karma points so that when you get better I can treat you however I want."
Connor rolled his eyes but his grip on Jude's hand tightened. "So, my birthday."
"Right. You throwing a party?"
"Ha, no, but if I remember right, you said you'd get me a cupcake."
Jude's own birthday felt like it had been years ago. "Can you eat it?"
"I can but you'll probably end up eating most of it."
"Cupcakes it is!" Jude said brightly. "Anything else?"
"I asked Dad to find the To Kill A Mockingbird movie. I want to watch it. I want to make you watch it. I want to make sure you see it. It's old so I don't want you to get bored because it's in black and white."
"Shouldn't I finish the book first?" Jude asked.
"You have nine days."
"It's been months!"
"You're so close to the end. Either we'll get there or it won't matter."
"It's your birthday so we'll do whatever you want to."
Connor turned his head slightly to glance out the window before turning his attention back to Jude. "I want to eat cupcakes and watch a movie with my best friend. You'll be here all day, right?"
"Well, I have to go get the cupcakes. First thing, so they're the best ones, right?"
"Yeah, right," Connor agreed.
"Then, I'll be here. For you and the movie and whatever else you want."
"I want to be not in the hospital for my birthday. Even fresh air, just for a second. I mean, I've been outside since I've been here but it's not the same. I never thought I'd miss opening a window."
Jude squeezed Connor's hand. "You'll get outside again soon."
Jude could tell that Connor was trying not to roll his eyes at him, though his voice wasn't free of sarcasm when he said, "You have to say that."
"Because I'm your friend. Unless you say that I'm not again."
"I'm sorry." Connor's face was so mournful that Jude felt bad for bringing it up, though it had been Connor's mistake in the first place.
"I know. I'll get over it, someday."
"You don't have a lot of time to do it."
"Shut up." Jude nudged Connor's leg.
"Okay, okay. Come on, do some homework."
Jude rolled his eyes and kept his hands firmly where they were, not reaching for his bag at all. "I don't want to. It never ends!"
"But you're getting better. You'll be in school soon."
"Yeah," Jude said, half-heartedly. "In school and a guaranteed freak."
Connor frowned at him, looking the same way he always did when Jude put himself down. "Freak? Why would you be a freak?"
"Because I won't be in the right grade, no matter what I do this summer, because I haven't been in school since forever, because Lena will probably hover a little, because I won't know anyone, because no one likes me!"
"You don't let anyone like you."
"Because they're just going to tell me later that they don't like me! I'm skipping steps!"
Connor just laughed at him again. "This is what I meant by damaged."
"Shut up!" Jude said insistently, then, more quietly, "Well, they treated you like a freak and you're just sick."
"It was hard not to convince people I was contagious in the beginning," Connor said casually, but almost too casually in Jude's opinion. "And it's not like they were mean or anything. Nobody talked to me."
"How's that better?"
"That was what you wanted!" Connor pointed out and Jude had to laugh at that.
"I guess so. It's weird to think of me being in school. It'd be easier if you were there, just so I could hide behind you."
"You can tell them that you were the dead kid's best friend," Connor said. "Daria will remember you."
"I don't want to be the dead kid's best friend."
"Then don't tell them you knew me."
Jude rolled his eyes, trying to dislodge the tears that he was starting to feel coming. The reality was that Jude didn't know if he could donate his kidney. He didn't know if Connor's body would reject or take to the kidney. He didn't know if getting the kidney would mean that Connor would beat the cancer he had or if Connor was going to die of his disease anyway. What he did know was that he didn't want to be known as the dead kid's best friend because he didn't want he and Connor to be boiled down and thought of like that. Most of the people at Anchor Beach had known Connor for a lot longer than Jude might get to and, yet, they would never know Connor like he did. Connor would never mean as much to them as he did Jude. None of them ever loved him. Only Daria had ever come to see him and she hadn't come back. And maybe that wasn't something that should upset Jude but it did, because Connor was worth more than everything he had ever been given.
"Just … live."
"How many times do I have to say it, Jude?"
"At least one more. Until you can't."
Looking into Connor's eyes made Jude hurt because, as much as Connor could be strong and put on a good face when Jude was sitting here, the exhaustion in his eyes was overwhelming. He was shaky and even his voice sounded like it had been through too much but when Jude looked into his eyes, he could tell that there weren't enough painkillers in the world that could make Connor feel completely comfortable with everything was happening to him and how painful his end was going to be.
"I'm just glad I didn't die the first time. That I got to meet you."
Jude could hear the I love you weaved between Connor's words and he almost opened his mouth; he almost said it back. And, then, he closed it again.
"I'm glad I got to meet you too." He just stared at Connor until he knew that it was getting to be too much and he forced himself to break eye contact. "So, homework, I guess."
"What are we doing?"
"Reading comprehension," Jude said. "If you feel up to being an active participant. If not, history and I'll do that part with Lena."
"Let's see what we can get done before they drug me up."
Jude nodded and reached down, dragging his bag up onto the bed with them. "Or I could just read Mockingbird."
"Are you offering because you like the book or because you don't want to do your homework?"
"I just know you wanted to hear me finish it and if we're going to be watching the movie soon …"
Connor's fingers wrapped around his shirt sleeve and he tugged at Jude until Jude took his hand.
"Lena will get mad if you don't do your homework."
"Lena's homeschooling me so that I can be here with you. I don't think she'll get mad at anything that has to do with you."
"I'll get to hear you read the end of Mockingbird," Connor promised. "I will. But you didn't do any homework yesterday."
"You're pushier than Stef is," Jude grumbled, using his free hand to start tugging at the zipper of his backpack.
"But not pushier than Callie."
"No one's pushier than Callie," Jude snorted. "I get to tell her about getting adopted when she calls. But then I also have to convince her to let me go see her again, even though I'm essentially telling her that I'm getting a new family."
"That are gonna think of her as family."
"If she accepts them."
Connor let out a coughing-laugh. "I wish I had really met her because I find it hard to imagine someone so stubborn and annoying that you find them stubborn and annoying."
"Yeah, okay, I couldn't possibly get mad about anything there."
Connor just grinned. "You'll forgive me."
Jude didn't bother to respond. He had forgiven Connor everything else. He reached into his bag, pulling out the red folder that had his reading in it, dropping it onto Connor's lap.
"So, I have to read something and then there's a list of questions you're supposed to ask me to see if I remembered what I read or if I just threw it out of my brain as soon as I saw it."
"I remember doing this," Connor said.
"Yeah, in second grade, like you were supposed to."
"It doesn't matter. You're doing it now."
"You should really be a motivational speaker or a life coach or something," Jude grumbled.
"Gotta grow up for that," Connor quipped, so quickly and so peppily that Jude almost missed it.
When Jude caught up to Connor's words, he frowned, though Connor looked unrepentant, as he normally did. "Why do you keep saying that stuff when you know I hate it?"
"Why do you keep saying bad stuff about yourself when you know I hate it?"
"That's different, it's about me and …. and, uh …" Jude stuttered.
Connor cupped his hand around his ear. "You know, I think that's the sound of your argument dying."
"Shut up," Jude whined. "Come on, just help me."
"Sure," Connor agreed, sliding the short story that Jude was supposed to read toward him. "Ready when you are but no peeking at the questions and answers."
"You wouldn't notice if I did," Jude scoffed.
"I would so!"
"No one ever notices me. It's how I get away with so much."
"I notice you," Connor said and Jude's heart fluttered. "But I have to so I can know you and figure out how you'll let me get away with so much."
"Oh, shut up," Jude scoffed.
"Can't make me," Connor hummed. "Come on, homework, before I lose my brain for the day."
"But I'm the mother hen," Jude muttered under his breath.
"You are."
"Oh, shut up!" Jude repeated and Connor just laughed at him again, nudging Jude's homework toward him.
With a sigh, Jude settled in to do it, though, admittedly, he paid far more attention to Connor's ability to help him than he did to his schoolwork. He knew it was important and he knew that Lena was expecting it but Connor had been helping him since before he was in the hospital. He knew how Connor thought and spoke; how he read and wrote. He knew that Connor's sickness was just going to keep making him sadder and he didn't know how to stop thinking about it. Connor was slowing down; Jude could go faster than him now and he didn't think it was because he was getting better.
It was almost a relief when Connor fell asleep. Jude curled his arms around him.
"I'll save you," Jude said. Connor's eyes didn't so much as flicker but Jude hoped that he heard the words and that, somehow, he knew that it was true.
Jude was going to save him.
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Salt Skin by Ellie Goulding; and Cancer by My Chemical Romance.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~