Dr. Meyer was about to walk into Connor's room when Jude was, Stef and Lena only a few steps behind him. She put her hand on Jude's shoulder.
"Well, how do you feel?"
"You tell him," Jude blurted.
"Let's tell him together."
Dr. Meyer pushed open the hospital room door. Connor pushed himself up a little on his bed, Adam turning at the end of the bed to face them too.
"Jude, you're late."
It wasn't anything less than what Jude expected and it made him smile.
"Connor, I have an announcement," Dr. Meyer said. "We got you something for your birthday."
"You didn't have to do that," Connor said.
"Connor," Dr. Meyer said, interrupting him gently. "We found you a new kidney."
It wasn't Connor's face that Jude's gaze was drawn to. It was Adam's. Adam stood, standing slightly in front of Connor, as though he were guarding him.
"What? Now? Do we go now? What –"
"Actually, it's a live donor, so we have the surgery scheduled for first thing in the morning." Dr. Meyer's arm went around Jude's shoulder. "Jude has gotten himself tested and found that he was a match. This morning, he was granted permission to donate. That's why he was late, so you can maybe forgive him that," Dr. Meyer added.
"Oh, Jude!" Adam exclaimed and, then, before Jude could react, Adam had him in a hug so strong and so tight that Jude's feet cleared the floor. "Oh, Jude, you brave, amazing, man. Thank you, thank you!"
Jude gripped the top of the cupcake box and peered over Adam's shoulder to look at Connor, but there was nothing on Connor's face to read. He was sitting there, watching everything unfold in front of him, with nothing on his face that Jude could to discern. He was lowered back to his feet and then he turned, distracted, by Dr. Meyer's voice.
"Let's step outside for a moment," Dr. Meyer said. "Adam, Stef, Lena. We'll go over a few things and then we'll get Jude admitted."
"Are you going to put me in a different room?" Jude asked anxiously.
"No," Dr. Meyer said. "We'll work something out. Don't worry. You won't be apart."
The adults stepped outside and it was just he and Connor left in the room and there was nothing but relief in Jude now.
"I brought you your cupcake," Jude said, hoisting the box.
"Jude, come here."
He left the cupcake box on Connor's nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed, hugging Connor tightly before he even thought about wanting to. Connor tucked his face into Jude's shoulder, squeezing him tightly.
"Jude, you shouldn't do this."
"What!?" Jude sat up, pushing Connor away, a little more roughly than he usually handled Connor, but he couldn't help it. "Why? You need one and I can give one."
"I'm sick, I might not survive surgery, what's the point in you giving up –"
"Shut up! The point is, you need one and I have one and you're going to die for sure without it and you're going to take it because I can't spend the rest of my life wondering if you would have lived and that's the whole point, Connor! What if you live?"
Connor blinked at him, looking dazed. "What if I live?" he repeated.
"What if you live? What if this was what you needed to really win over the cancer this time? I don't know what the word for that is –"
"Remission," Connor said. "You go into remission and then if you're in remission long enough you're called cured."
"I'm your best friend. This is what I'm here for."
"For body parts?"
"Don't turn into Callie," Jude scoffed. He grabbed Connor's hand. "I'm sorry I was late for your birthday."
"You really did all of this for me, Jude?"
"You mean that much to me. I couldn't not do it. I just … I want you to live. You said we'd know each other ten years from now and I want that to be true. But even if we don't, saving your life will always be worth it. I just … I don't want you to die. You can't. You're not supposed to die."
Connor hugged him again, hiding himself away in Jude's chest. "Thank you," he said, his voice muffled.
It didn't feel right to just say 'you're welcome' and so Jude didn't. He hugged Connor back, searching his mind for the right thing to say; the words that would mean enough, because he had to say something that meant something.
All that came out of his mouth was, "Happy birthday, Connor."
It was enough.
(-.-)
"You awake?"
"Yeah, it's still daylight."
"You just haven't said anything."
"You told me to concentrate on this stupid movie," Jude grumbled. "What was I supposed to do? Talk through it?"
"It's not stupid," Connor said defensively. "You said you'd pay attention!"
"I am!" Jude laughed, nudging Connor in his side. "Calm down, okay? I'm watching the movie. I'm liking the movie … Even though I haven't totally finished the book."
"Chapter and a half to go. We can try and finish it tonight."
"It's your birthday, so whatever you want."
"I know," Connor said smugly, which just caused Jude to nudge him in the ribs again.
Connor put his head down on Jude's shoulder and Jude adjusted himself to try and keep Connor comfortable. Adam, Stef, and Lena had gone out to get lunch and so Jude assumed that it would be the only alone time that he and Connor would get for the rest of the day, until visiting hours were over. Assuming Adam or Stef or Lena didn't spend the night with them either. It wasn't that Jude thought of their parents as an intrusion or anything but he always felt like he had to watch himself when they were around. He knew that they weren't judging him like he had been judged at Nic's but sometimes, he was still concerned that it would end up like that. He and Connor's conversations didn't get as stupid or as in depth when their parents were around, either, and so Jude was pacified knowing that Connor felt it too.
"Jude?"
"I thought you wanted me to watch the movie."
"I just … what happens to you if I don't live?"
Jude looked down at Connor, who was staring up at him.
"They talk to you about all of that stuff, you know. Whenever I was late, it wasn't because I was with Lena, it was because I needed to do counselling stuff. A lot of it. And, if you die, even after I give you my kidney, then at least I know that I tried to save you. I couldn't live not knowing that I didn't try."
A small smile graced Connor's face and he turned back to the TV. Jude returned his attention to the movie, watching Scout and Atticus talk. It was near the end of the scene when Connor spoke again.
"Jude?"
"What?"
"You know this means that you lied to me last now, right?"
"Shut up. Let me watch the movie."
Connor laughed and tucked himself closer to Jude. "Okay, Jude. Just watch the movie."
Jude rested his head on top of Connor's and really tried to pay attention to the screen. After all, it was Connor's birthday and it was all he wanted.
(-.-)
"How are you feeling?"
"Tired. I need to sleep soon," Connor said, watching Adam cross the room. "Are you staying tonight?"
"Do you want me to?"
"You've left Jelly all alone for four nights," Connor replied. "I'll have Jude tonight."
"And surgery in the morning," Adam said. "I still can't believe it. All along, Jude was a match … I … I didn't expect that."
"I was surprised he managed to keep it a secret. Jude said he wasn't good at keeping things from me." Connor's eyes fluttered and he fought down a yawn. "Do you know where he is?"
"Saying goodnight to Stef and Lena. I wanted to do the same. And make sure you didn't want me here tonight."
"You'll be here in the morning, right? Before I go under?"
"Bright and early. I'll be right here when you wake up, too. Are you ready for this?"
"Got to be," Connor said. "I don't think I deserve this, Dad."
"What do you mean? Connor, of course you deserve a chance to live and we both know that a live kidney donation has such a small chance of hurting Jude. You are both going to be just fine and I don't remember the last time I believed you were going to be fine."
Connor felt small at the words; he had felt small at his own admission too. "No, not the kidney. Maybe the kidney. But I meant a friend like Jude. Someone who would do that for me that isn't family. I don't know if I deserve that. Him."
"You two help each other. That's how friends work. Jude wouldn't do this if he didn't want to. If they thought that he shouldn't do this, they wouldn't have given him the okay to do this. I don't know how we'll ever pay him back for this but we're going to try."
Connor nodded, feeling tears building in the back of the throat.
"I'm sorry but this means you won't get to go home tomorrow like we talked about."
Connor felt a smile tug at his lips. "But if this works, I get to go home forever, right?"
"Right. And Jelly will be sitting in the doorway waiting for you."
"Give her lots of treats tonight, Dad, okay? Make sure she's happy."
"I will, I promise. And I'm just a call away if you change your mind, all right?"
"I know."
"I love you, Connor."
"You too, Dad."
Adam kissed his forehead and Connor had just a few moments alone before Jude was back, dressed in a hospital gown that was similar to Connor's – something that Connor, admittedly, found amusing. Jude sat on the end of the second hospital bed, swinging his feet.
"How's Stef and Lena?"
"I don't think they really wanted to go," Jude admitted, "but they also knew they kind of had to. They seem worried but I don't think they need to be. I don't think there's anything to be worried about."
"It is surgery."
"Which happens all the time," Jude said brightly.
"I wish I was confident like that."
"You will be, when you wake up after."
Connor chuckled a little and then nodded. "Yeah, probably."
"All right." Connor and Jude both turned to see Nurse Mac entering the hospital room. "How are we both feeling?"
"Good," Jude chirped, while Connor said, "Four. With heavy exhaustion."
"Well, you know what time it is," Nurse Mac said.
"Bed time." It was such a relief to know that he was going to be asleep in a few minutes. "Med time."
"Puns, I like it," Nurse Mac said. "I heard the good news about the morning."
"Has anyone not?"
"You've been here for long enough, we're all happy for you. Need some water?"
"No, I have some," Connor said, reaching for the cup at his bedside. He took his night pills and then settled back against his pillows. "Thanks, Nurse Mac."
"I'm on night shift again tomorrow night so I'll check up on you then."
"See you tomorrow."
At least, Connor hoped he would.
(-.-)
"You won't keep him up all night, will you?" Nurse Mac asked and Jude automatically shook his head. "Good. Also, can I expect you to stay in your bed tonight or are you just going to cuddle up like you do during the day?"
Jude tried not to make a guilty face but he was sure that he did. "Um … I think if you have to ask you probably already know."
Nurse Mac laughed. "All right, fair enough. Here, hop off the bed."
Jude obeyed quickly, helping Nurse Mac move his hospital bed closer to Connor's.
"Do you move around a lot in your sleep?"
"No," Jude said. He'd learnt to stay very still whilst laying next to Callie.
"All right. I'll be in later to check on you."
"Okay," Jude said. "Um, thanks."
"You're welcome, Jude," Nurse Mac said, and then he was gone.
Jude hopped back up on his bed, right next to where Connor was laying. His eyes were half-open.
"You're tired, go to bed."
"You're not," Connor said.
"You don't need to stay up with me. Maybe when you're better you won't go to bed at nine like an old lady."
"Whatever," Connor said.
Jude reached over to pick up his copy of To Kill A Mockingbird. He was so close to the end that he almost couldn't believe it; he almost couldn't remember starting it. Connor's eyelids fluttered.
"Read to me until I fall asleep."
"Please," Jude prompted, teasing.
"You will," Connor said confidently and Jude couldn't even tease him about it. He knew that he was going to do it. "Are you going to finish it?"
"You won't stay awake for the rest of it," Jude said, flipping through the remaining pages before returning to where he was supposed to pick up. "Even though there's not that much left. I can't finish it if you're asleep; you promised you'd hear me finish it, remember?"
"The ending is my favourite part," Connor said. "I wouldn't be mad if you had to read all of it."
"Well, let's see how far I get while you're still awake."
"Okay."
Jude pulled his knees up and propped the book against his legs. Connor was snuggling into his side, his eyes already closed. Jude ran his finger down the page, finding the paragraph that he left off at. He started reading, his heart skipping a beat as Connor's hand reached up and insistently pulled at Jude's own until they were holding hands, cuddled close to Connor's chest. It was a challenge for Jude to figure out how to turn the pages with only one hand while keeping the book open, but he managed it. By the time Connor fell asleep, Jude's hand was cramping so badly that he didn't know if he could ever get it to stop. But he also had to admit something else: the ending was pretty great. There was something sweet about the way that Harper Lee's words sounded, come the end, and though Jude wanted to wait for Connor, he had read and reread so many parts of the book and had never felt annoyed by it once, so he was sure that he wouldn't mind reading the ending to Connor again. He flipped to the last page, reading the final line, and then a sense of sadness overcame him. He had finished it. The first book he remembered ever finishing. The book Connor had taught him to read on. The first thing that they had really shared and it was finished.
Jude didn't know why he felt so sad about it. He should be relieved. This book had taken him so long to get through and it wasn't even really that long of a book. He should be grateful to be able to turn to the last page and really be finished. Jude flipped the last page, to look at the empty back cover and was startled to find handwriting on the back page. Immediately, Jude recognized Connor's familiar print. He stared at the words, reading and rereading them, trying to make it all click, trying to make the words make sense:
Jude,
Thank you for being the best friend anyone's ever had. Thank you for all of the time that you spent with me and thank you for all the good memories. You made my last days a lot better than they could have been. I know you're going to do a lot of amazing things when you grow up. You're smart and funny and anyone who knows you is lucky. Don't doubt yourself anymore! If there's an afterlife, I'll remember you. Even if there's not, I think I'll remember you anyway. You'll always be my best friend and I love you for that.
Miss you always,
Connor.
It took several read throughs for Jude to inhale sharply, realizing that he wasn't supposed to find these words – wasn't supposed to finish the book at all, even – until after Connor was dead. Jude wondered how long ago Connor had sat down and written them, and when he'd had an opportunity to take Jude's book and write something in it. He traced Connor's letters, particularly the words near the end.
I love you.
The 'for that' didn't matter, because Jude had been watching Connor not say the whole truth for nearly as long as Jude had not been saying the whole truth. Connor loved him too; Jude was as sure of Connor's feelings for him as he was for his feelings for Connor. He felt a tear prick his eye as he stared at the page. Connor wasn't going to die. This wasn't what he was going to be left with.
Jude shut the cover of the book and placed it on the nightstand. He turned out the light and then laid down on the uncomfortable bed, his head on the pillow that was just a little too flat. He turned into Connor, their joined hands curled between them. Jude watched Connor sleep for a moment before he closed his own eyes.
This time tomorrow, everything would be different.
(-.-)
It was far too early to be awake and Jude felt sluggish and tired. Sluggish and tired and hungry but he wasn't allowed to eat before surgery. The room was full of doctors, one of them explaining what was going to happen to he and Connor. Adam, Lena, and Stef were all paying rapt attention but Jude couldn't quite bring himself to listen. The specifics of surgery made him feel a little queasy – someone was going to be rooting around in his insides! – but the specifics weren't important. It was the end result.
"Okay, we'll be back in about five minutes to take the boys down to pre-op, unless anyone has anymore questions," Dr. Meyer said.
Adam shook his head. "No, we've been prepared for this for as long as I can remember."
"I think we're clear," Stef said.
"We'll worry until you're out, anyway," Lena said and she grasped Jude's hand. "Is there anything else that you need to know?"
"No," Jude said. "I'm all good."
Dr. Meyer left the room and Jude looked up at Stef and Lena. He asked them, "Are you guys nervous?"
"Yes," Lena said without hesitation.
"Mariana and Jesus are coming to see you after school. They're worried too," Stef added. "Brandon called the house this morning."
"Callie's probably losing her mind," Jude said, smiling as he thought of his sister's concern and then feeling a painful stab in his heart as he was reminded of the fact that he wasn't going to get to talk to her today. Even though it was all going to go fine, he still wished that he was able to hear her voice today. He wanted Callie to be able to tell him that it was all going to be okay.
"Well, you'll probably be getting a letter from her today or tomorrow," Stef said. "You'll be able to read it in recovery and laugh about how concerned she was."
"And that means lots of good news to tell her," Lena added.
"Right." Jude nodded, trying to feel confident in the motion, and then he glanced over at Connor, who was holding his father's hand and looking like he was desperately trying not to cry. It was Adam that looked back at him.
"Doing okay, Jude?" Adam asked.
"Great," Jude responded, and he was surprised at how good he really did sound about it.
"Is everyone ready?" A voice called from the door, and Jude knew that he was.
Adam let go of Connor to clasp Jude's hand. "Thank you, for this."
"I couldn't do anything else but this," Jude said. "See you later."
"See you later," Adam echoed.
Jude was taken from the room first, and he heard Lena's voice, saying Connor's name. He glanced over his shoulder, but Connor was right behind him in the hallway. Jude knitted his hands together and stared forward. He and Connor were taken apart and Jude's weight was taken again, he was given a pep talk by the nurse that attended to him, and then he and Connor were back in the same room, but just for a moment, as the nurse specified.
Jude took one look at his best friend and knew what Connor was thinking. "You're not going to die. It's all going to be okay, you know that, right?"
"Jude, but if I do, I think there's something you need to know." Connor's brow furrowed. "I haven't been able to tell you but if I die, I need you to know."
He's going to say he loves me, Jude realized, and his heart thumped in his chest. It wasn't the right time. He couldn't hear it and then say it back, knowing that they were about to be pulled apart from each other. He couldn't hear it and then not be able to kiss Connor back like he wanted to do. "Connor, no."
"Jude, don't –"
"No. If you have something more you need to say, then that's one more reason why you can't die on the table. It's one more reason for you to wake up from the surgery and I-I-I need you to do that. So, don't say it now. Say it when you wake up."
"If," Connor said emphatically.
"When," Jude corrected, feeling frustrated at his friend's lack of faith. Didn't Connor realize what a miracle it was that Jude was allowed to give a kidney at all? If Jude was allowed to do that, it meant that it was all going to be okay, and Connor just needed to have that kind of faith.
Connor didn't say anything and he and Jude just stared at each other until the hospital room door opened.
"See you on the other side," Connor whispered.
"See you after the surgery," Jude said and as Connor was taken away, Jude hoped that they weren't the last words he'd ever say to him.
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Bring Us The Sun by Ben Cocks; and Send Me All Your Angels by Kris Allen.
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~