Cold.
All he felt was cold. He was shivering and, yet, no one seemed to notice. How could no one notice? There were people around him. He tried to open his mouth. He tried to tell them that he needed another blanket but it was like his jaw was clamped shut and his eyes wouldn't open. Someone, notice I'm cold, please, I'm so cold. It felt like an eternity, laying there, feeling people move around him and taking no notice of him. His brain grasped around fuzzily, trying to figure out where he was, trying to place him in the grand scheme of things. The last thing he remembered was being told to count backwards from ten. How far had he made it? Seven. He thought it was seven.
Was that important?
No. But he was so cold that it had to be the most important thing. It was the only thing that he could summon to the forefront of his brain. His cold, shivering brain.
He forced open his eyes. Hospital room. He opened his mouth a little. There were so many people in his room but they were all looking at each other, not at him. But he was cold and he needed a blanket. He needed … And then, he was finally taken notice of.
"Connor?! Connor."
"Dad," Connor croaked. "Dad, I'm cold."
"Okay," Adam said, smiling even though Connor could see tears in the corners of his eyes. "We'll get you another blanket. How are you feeling?"
"Fuzzy … I … I …" He felt like his whole being was grasping at straws that were made out of clouds. "Jude. Where's …"
"I'm right here!"
Connor felt too heavy to even move his head toward Jude's voice.
"I'm okay. Apparently, everything went perfect."
Connor supposed if the shoe was on the other foot, he'd sound as smug as Jude did now.
"You feel any pain at all?"
"Not yet. That's later."
"I know, I know," Adam said. "I just want to make sure nothing's wrong now."
"Cold," Connor reminded him.
And then, Dr. Meyer was there, Nurse Mac behind her with a blanket in his hands. As he tucked it in around Connor, she took a look at his wound, asking him questions about how he was feeling. Connor was used to the routine and the answers came easily, even though the fuzz around his brain wasn't going away as quickly as he wanted to.
"So, Dr. Meyer, how long until we know this worked? Not the rejection but the chemotherapy from before," Adam asked. "When will we know more?"
"We have to make sure that Connor doesn't reject Jude's kidney first. One step at a time, Adam. First, the anti-rejection meds, first the kidney's success, and then it will be time for us to go back, evaluate the cancer, and see how successful the last round of treatments were and if we need to come up with a new plan."
"Dr. Meyer, can I go home now?"
"Not right now," Dr. Meyer said. "We need to watch you for a while after transplant … You and Jude both, so you'll have company, at least. But, you'll probably be getting out of here pretty soon. We know we're driving you nuts."
"I wasn't going to say it like that."
"It's okay," Dr. Meyer said. "Your whole life now is about the anti-rejection meds, Connor. They are the most important thing."
"I won't forget," Connor promised. He had lots of experience taking his meds and had barely slipped up – and Adam was going to continue making him using the app on his phone to track his medications once he got home, Connor just knew it. "Did it … Do you really think it's going to stick?"
"At this point," Dr. Meyer said, "There's no reason to think it won't."
Connor couldn't think of anything to do or say and Adam was hugging him so tightly anyway that he just hugged his father back. There was no reason to think the transplant wasn't going to work. There was no reason to think that he wasn't going to get to go home. What if you live? Jude had asked. Connor had stopped considering it. Connor had stopped wondering what growing up would be like. He had tried to get used to the fact that his father was going to go on without him and that Jude was going to meet new friends and that, someday, they wouldn't remember him clearly. He had been trying to be okay with that.
"Connor!" Adam gasped and Connor clung tightly to him, feeling his father's relief in his shaking arms. It was Adam's optimism that really made Connor feel breathless. "And you feel okay?"
"Groggy."
"And warmer?"
"Warmer."
Adam tucked Connor back into bed, fussing with the pillows. Ms. Adams came over to sit at his bedside. She just smiled at him.
"You helped Jude lie to me," Connor croaked out and he was glad that she just laughed at him.
"You'll get over it," Jude assured him, and then, right after, Stef said, "Jude, in bed."
"I –"
"Am listening to the doctors. Don't move."
Connor could imagine that Jude wasn't taking that so well. He didn't quite have the energy to jump to Jude's defense yet – Jude seemed much more awake and, just this once, he could let Jude argue his own case. Besides, he knew that Jude was right there and it wouldn't take long for Jude to be closer. Almost as close as Connor wanted to be but as close as Jude was clearly going to get. He had just let his eyes start to drift when there was another commotion at the door. He half-heartedly glanced over, only to find Mariana coming in, Jesus trailing behind her with his arms full of flowers.
"Brandon wants you to text him," Mariana said first to Stef, then, "How are you guys feeling?"
"Good," Jude said. "Connor's still really groggy."
"Jesus," Lena said, rising from Connor's bed, "here, let's put those down."
"Jude, there was also a letter from Callie waiting for you," Jesus said, handing the flowers off to Lena.
"Oh, good!"
Connor turned his head, watching Jude run his fingers through his blue hair and stare down at the envelope now in his lap. He just stared at him for a long minute before Mariana sat down on the edge of Jude's bed, obstructing his view. Connor could tell how happy Jude was to be surrounded by people that he knew were his people and, so, Connor looked back to his father.
"I'm so proud of you," Adam said.
"I didn't do anything," Connor protested.
"Yeah, you did. You're strong enough to get through this and I am so proud of you."
"I'm not healthy yet. Step one."
"Right," Adam said, smiling. "Step one."
Connor closed his eyes, feeling his father's hand on his own and listening to the soft babble of Jude's family talking. He was tired, he was in a little bit of pain, and he just felt completely content. For the first time in a long time, maybe he could hope.
(-.-)
Jude crossed his arms over his chest and stared down Nurse Mac, before realizing that the other man wasn't about to take his attitude. He dropped his arms before folding his hands together in a pleading gesture.
"Nurse Mac, you let us last night!"
"Well, last night, you hadn't had surgery yet."
"I'm not going to hurt him."
"You could just as easily hurt yourself. And you're not going to like that."
"I'm just going to do it once you leave," Jude said.
"I'll get you transferred to your own room where you won't be a danger to anyone," Nurse Mac said.
"I'd find my way back," Jude said, challenging him.
"Restraints."
"You wouldn't."
"Nurse Mac," Connor called, startling them both. Jude had already thought that Connor was asleep – perhaps rendering his argument with Nurse Mac even more pointless. "He is that stubborn. Please? Even just a little closer."
"All right," Nurse Mac agreed.
"He only has to ask once?" Jude demanded, and once Connor groaned loudly, Jude realized how his tone had come out. "Sorry but …"
He probably didn't have to say 'but' there and he guessed that Connor probably was rolling his eyes at him. He looked sheepishly back at Nurse Mac.
"Uh, but thanks."
"I'll take it," Nurse Mac said, giving out a sigh that Jude thought was more good-natured that anything before moving Jude and Connor close to one another again.
"Thank you," Connor said. "We'll be careful."
"I believe you. Okay, I'll be back in later."
When he was gone, Jude turned over, more onto Connor's bed than his own. It was the first time that they had been alone all day and it was just so calming to be able to look at him, to be able to know that it really had worked, and that when Dr. Meyer had said that they surgeries had gone off without a single hitch, she had meant it. But he hadn't really been able to feel that truth until Connor was looking at him with his eyes bright. Connor reached out his hand and took Jude's, their fingers fitting together as they always did.
"I can't believe you. This. I can't."
"Get used to it."
"Stop rubbing it in."
"Not yet," Jude said. "Maybe someday but not yet."
Connor half-laughed. Jude snuggled even closer to Connor. Two days ago, he had been trying to talk himself out of believing that Connor wasn't going to be here. He'd been so sick, he'd looked like he was really dying, and now … Now, he had a real chance to fight again.
"And I'll get to hear you finish the book."
"You can have other priorities."
"I know, I know," Connor said. "But I can do that in the morning. Everything else is going to have to wait."
"I gotta tell you something …"
"What?"
"I finished the book last night."
"I told you that you wouldn't be able to put it down," Connor said and Jude thought that Connor was the one who was rubbing it in now. "What did you think?"
"I think that I found your note at the end," Jude said. "The now-that-I'm-dead note."
"Oh. Yeah, well, I didn't want there to be nothing," Connor said. "You would have been mad if there was nothing."
"You're not dead."
"I wrote it a long time ago," Connor said. "I didn't expect this. I didn't expect a kidney. I thought that the kidney failure would get me or the cancer would and it still might. I just … I wanted you to know that I was thinking of you. All the time."
"Connor …"
"You wouldn't let me say it before surgery," Connor said. "Are you going to let me say it now?"
They were so close that there wasn't any room for anything between them. Jude looked away from Connor's face and down to their linked hands. His heart double-thumped in his chest and he wanted nothing more than to tell Connor to say it. If Connor said it, he'd be able to say it back, and everything in his life would be … nearly perfect. He had a family, a safe place to be himself, and he would have Connor to be in love with and be himself with. But there was no Callie and, just like she had always been the one to raise him up, she was also what made him keep pausing. He had made the decision to give up his kidney without her and he would always remember the pain on her face when she found that out. Saying who he was and letting it out wasn't ever something that he could take back. And he couldn't do that without her. He looked back up at Connor, thinking that whenever it came up, he always thought of a reason to not let him.
"Not yet."
Connor stared at him for a long time and Jude felt his fingers loosen but Jude didn't let him let go.
"You're never going to want to hear it, are you? You know and you just don't want to hear it."
"It's more than that!"
Connor's heart monitor spiked and he turned his face into the pillow. "I'm just going to go to bed."
"Do you want me here?"
Connor glanced back up at him. "I think you already know that answer too."
Jude did. Connor pulled the blanket up over him, around his face. He closed his eyes and tucked his head but he still didn't turn away from Jude. Jude couldn't sleep. Not now, not when his stomach was churning and he still didn't know if he had said the right thing. He didn't know if he would ever be able to come back and he was so worried that he would regret it. But, Connor fell asleep with his hand still in Jude's, and Jude had hope for something else: that Connor would still be his, when Jude was ready to give himself to him. He really did believe that Connor wasn't going to give up on him while Jude figured himself out. He was sure that Connor would forgive him anything … and, Jude could now pull the I-saved-your-life card in order to get him to at least shut up and listen.
Feeling exhausted, Jude pulled Connor's blanket over him too and fell asleep listening to his best friend breathe.
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Million Dollar Secret by Lucius; and Fall Into Me by Hey Monday.
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~TLL~