p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy /p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Her husband was sleeping as she held their son in her arms, JJ wanted Dada, but Amy kept telling him that dada needed sleep. Confusion, she honestly thought that was her strongest emotion right now, it was such a mix of anger, sorrow, and everything in between that just felt spent. Watching Jake filled her with worry, she knew that once he was up and active, he would be obsessed with finding Sampson and ending this. Jake had already felt pushed to his limit with the first five victims, but now, Charles, Jake's guilt and sorrow for the loss of his best friend would push him in ways she feared./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Some visitors had come, but very few, most were concerned about his reaction and emotions with losing Charles. Holt came in while Jake was sleeping, he looked devastated, to say the least, Amy had seen him deal with many difficult issues and problems, but this was defeating him like it was defeating Jake./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""I will keep him on the case if that is what he wants, he would end up working it anyways, I know him, I would do the same. This was his friend, his partner, the one person who supported Jake through his craziest ideas and phases."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy released a small laugh, "I know, before I realized I loved him, I used to think Charles was an idiot for rarely questioning Jake, but then I realized it's part of loving Jake, knowing his crazy ideas are part of him, I still have to question him a lot, but Charles got that, he got Jake in a way no one else did. Jake could be mean sometimes, but he loved him, we were starting to hangout a lot because Jake felt guilty and wanted to be there for him."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Holt looked down at Jake, "that may save his sanity, I never lost a partner, but my favorite partner, he had lost one at the beginning of his career. It never left him, he said that he was reminded daily of how important was to let people know you appreciated them because sometimes, you never get the chance. I have my own guilt, Charles could be difficult to handle, but he was a fine detective and a caring person. Telling his wife and son will go down as one the most difficult experiences of my long career."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""I can't imagine," Amy held on to her son tighter, "she must be suffering so much, they were finally going to get married, and now he won't be able to see Nicolaj grow up."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""He was inconsolable, he kept screaming that it can't be true, it can't be." Amy nearly gasped when Holt shed an actual tear while recounting this difficult experience, "he said his papa rescued him from bad men, that is was not fair that he could not save his papa from the bad men."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy felt her own tears now, "I'm so sorry sir, for you, for them. This case has made me think about whether staying in New York is what I want, I know crime happens everywhere, but there's so many people, so much crime."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""I know. I will most likely not be commissioner much longer, I have thought about teaching, I have been offered to teach a class on gender issues in law enforcement at Columbia University several times, but I never thought I could leave this job, until now."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy would have normally fought this tooth and nail, the thought of her mentor giving up, but right now she understood what this case and the casualties had done to everyone, the pain it was causing and the lives it was changing. She would not judge anyone for wanting to quit right now when that is how she felt, she knew Jake wanted to bring the men to justice, but she also knew he needed a change, this might be too much for him to face, staying at the nine-nine without Charles but being reminded daily of him and what he meant to Jake./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy and Jake/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Karen had been by, she saw Jake and cried a little, then cried a lot when Amy told her about Charles, she said hi to Jake in between his long naps and then left with JJ. Amy bought some sodas for Jake at store next to the hospital, when she returned, Jake was awake, the tv was on, an old episode of Dragnet was playing./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Ames look at this, Joe Friday had it easy, hippies and jazz cats doing crime, not psychos and gang members."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy sat down next to him, "I bought you some orange soda, to hell with your diet right now, you deserve this."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Thanks Ames," Jake took a soda from her and sighed loudly, "I miss him Ames, but that's not the worst of it, the worst is that I will never lose this guilt that I should have done more, as a friend, like he did."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy smiled through her sadness, "Jake, the fact that you were his friend, despite your teasing or the fact that you got busy with your family, that meant the world to him. Genevieve told me once that Charles didn't understand why you were his friend at all, he thought you were like the Fonz, but cooler."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake closed his eyes momentarily, "Charles Boyle, the greatest partner and friend, I wish he could hear us talking, hear how much I will fucking miss him, how much we honestly loved him. If there's any justice or even a god, Charles should get to hear this. I feel lucky that I wasn't killed, but I also feel guilty Ames, the picture, that damn picture of JJ, for Holt, that saved me, it's not fair, not that I want to be dead, but why does he?"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy could think of nothing to say, she instead tightened her grip on his arm, trying to convey her sorrow and pain and let him know that she understood his pain. They looked at each other for what seemed to each as a long time, no words were spoken, just a shared understanding of the pain that existed within them, the fear, the hate, and the sorrow. Jake eventually drifted off to sleep again, his dreams dominated by visits of his best friend./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"When Jake woke up, Amy was still there, "Ames, you need sleep, JJ needs you…"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""I went home for a little while, but Genevieve and Nicolaj want to come see you, I told them that was fine, sorry, I just couldn't say no…"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake shook his head, tears forming, "no, of course they can come, it will be as emotional as hell, but as much guilt and pain I feel, she will feel more, Nicolaj won't spend hardly a day of his life without thinking about how much that man loved him and did for him…shit, I need to pull it together before they get here."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy cleared the tears from her own eyes, "I think they will be glad to see he meant as much to you as he did to them, sometimes we need to feel understood, I imagine they feel like no one understands their pain, so I think you'll be fine."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake sighed, "I can buy that, how long until they come."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Genevieve said she wanted to come by after meeting with the funeral home, it's nearby, so anytime after noon. I need to go pick up JJ and get us some good food, I just wanted to be here when you woke up."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"A few hours later, Jake watched JJ get restless in the hospital room while eating his fourth slice of Sal's pizza. He couldn't help but still feel extreme guilt that here he was watching his son while Charles was robbed of that, that his son would get to have his dad there when he woke up most mornings while Nicolaj would never get that again, he was lost in these thoughts when he saw Amy stand up./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Genevieve, Nicolaj, come in." Genevieve had tears in her eyes already, Nicolaj looked devastated, JJ crawled to him, Nicolaj gave small smile and followed him to JJ's toys./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake was trying to think of what to say, but Genevieve spoke first, "Jake, I know you will feel guilty about this, but if something had to happen, Charles would have wanted to be by you…he loved you Jake…sorry."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake tried to sit up as good as he could, "I'm so sorry, I wish…I wish…I just wish it hadn't happened, I will always miss him, he was my best friend, even I didn't always act like it."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Genevieve gave a small smile, "no Jake, he understood you have a family, when you started insisting on getting together once a week, that meant the world to him, his own dad had been distant lately, but you saw his need and acted, that was everything to him, to me."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Nicolaj was suddenly at Jake's bed side, he said nothing, he just hugged Jake who couldn't help but hug him back. "I miss my papa."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Me too Nicolaj, me too, he was my best friend and great partner." Jake's mind was racing for what to say, he needed to say something, he could never take away the pain of Nicolaj losing his father, but there had to be something he could say. He paused a little bit, then smiled as he looked at him, "did you know your papa saved my life, like bunch of times?"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Nicolaj looked up at him, his glasses slightly fogged from crying, "really?"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Hell yeah," Jake saw Amy grinning while also shaking her head, "I mean, yeah, of course. He was so brave Nicolaj, but more important than that, he loved people, he taught me a lot about that. I used to not care what happened to me, I was reckless, but your dad taught me I can be a good cop and still be careful."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Nicolaj looked away, "but he still…"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake swore at himself internally, "what happened was terrible, but there was no way anyone could have avoided that buddy, but I know he would not want you be afraid, he would want you to enjoy life and help people like he did."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""I saw him dive in front of a bullet once to save Rosa, it hit him in the hip, he knew it would hurt him, be he still did it, I know a lot of cops who wouldn't have done that. He was the bravest guy out there."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake told a few more stories of Charles' heroics, Nicolaj soaking them up and beaming as Jake told them. After talking for a while, Genevieve told them that she and Nicolaj needed to go. Nicoalj hugged Jake and Amy, Genevieve stood next to Jake, "Jake, thanks for this, he needs this, please keep in touch he needs…"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy put her arm around her, "of course, you are still are friend and Jake and I want to do our best to keep Charles' memory alive."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake was alone in his hospital room watching some old monster movie on tv waiting for Amy to get him some clothes from home, he was being released from the hospital in a few hours. He was considering changing the channel when he heard a knock on the door, Jake turned and saw Amy's dad Victor./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Victor, I'm going home in a few hours, you could just visit there, not as depressing."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Victor smiled, "I know, I actually wanted to talk to you, without everyone."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake felt nervous suddenly, "uh oh, did I break some Santiago rule?"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""No Jake, no, you just went through the worst thing a cop can go through, you lost your partner."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake felt worse now, he wished he had broken a Santiago rule, "oh, yeah, no, I'm fine."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Victor sat in the chair next to Jake's bed. "Bullshit Jake, nobody is fine when this happens, especially someone like you, and especially when he was your best friend. I've seen this happen, I've seen great cops fall apart because they can't deal with the aftermath, the emotions involved, we try to be tough and pretend we're tough guys, but losing your partner and friend, it's brutal."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake nodded, "yeah, you've seen it, a lot?"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""A few times, but I also lived it Jake."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Really, you lost a partner?"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""I did, it was hard on me, even harder because I didn't always get along with this guy, he was old school, didn't love having a minority for a partner, he always referred to me as his Mexican partner."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Oh my god, that's terrible, not a nice person."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Not always, no, but we were investigating a case that was right out of the movies, it was murder, our suspect was a low level mob enforcer, then he gets killed before we can find him, turns out a detective in our precinct was working as an informant for the Capaso family, they were small compared to others, but they were nasty. We found this detective's fingerprint, Donaldson, my partner, Jantzen, he didn't want me along, he told me this guy would flip out if I went in, he was old school too, so he wore a wire and went to talk to him at his apartment. So I'm in the care listening to this old device, the quality was terrible, but heard enough, Jantzen told him to turn himself in and give up and admit what he did without hurting anybody else, well of course, Donaldson refused, but we had enough to easily end his career, but Jantzen got pissed and couldn't let it go, I knew something bad was about to happen and I ran, but I was too late, I heard the shot fired as I was running down the hallway, Donaldson runs out with his gun, but he couldn't do anything before I fired at him and brought him down."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""That's crazy, it sounds like a Pacino movie."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""I told you, but it was difficult for me Jake, I second guessed every decision I made that night, I felt bad for disliking Jantzen, even though he sometimes introduced my as Officer Spick or Detective Taco, but it didn't change how it screwed with me, made me second guess, made me overly cautious. I was struggling, and then something interesting happened."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Please tell me the Pacino movie similarities end here."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Victor laughed, "I promise, Jantzen's best friend on the force was our Sergeant, who while he treated me okay, was also a little racist and definitely old school, but he pulled me aside and talked to me, I thought he might blame me, but instead he told me that I was a good cop, he said Jantzen liked me despite how he acted, he told me there was nothing I did wrong, that I couldn't let it keep me from being a good cop."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""It will be hard when I start working again, for sure. My worst problem is my guilt, I just wonder what I could have done different."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""That's the point Jake, what's done is done, focus on being a good cop to honor his memory, Amy told me you met with his son and told him stories, do that, but don't let it hurt you, as a person or as a great sergeant."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Her husband was sleeping as she held their son in her arms, JJ wanted Dada, but Amy kept telling him that dada needed sleep. Confusion, she honestly thought that was her strongest emotion right now, it was such a mix of anger, sorrow, and everything in between that just felt spent. Watching Jake filled her with worry, she knew that once he was up and active, he would be obsessed with finding Sampson and ending this. Jake had already felt pushed to his limit with the first five victims, but now, Charles, Jake's guilt and sorrow for the loss of his best friend would push him in ways she feared./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Some visitors had come, but very few, most were concerned about his reaction and emotions with losing Charles. Holt came in while Jake was sleeping, he looked devastated, to say the least, Amy had seen him deal with many difficult issues and problems, but this was defeating him like it was defeating Jake./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""I will keep him on the case if that is what he wants, he would end up working it anyways, I know him, I would do the same. This was his friend, his partner, the one person who supported Jake through his craziest ideas and phases."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy released a small laugh, "I know, before I realized I loved him, I used to think Charles was an idiot for rarely questioning Jake, but then I realized it's part of loving Jake, knowing his crazy ideas are part of him, I still have to question him a lot, but Charles got that, he got Jake in a way no one else did. Jake could be mean sometimes, but he loved him, we were starting to hangout a lot because Jake felt guilty and wanted to be there for him."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Holt looked down at Jake, "that may save his sanity, I never lost a partner, but my favorite partner, he had lost one at the beginning of his career. It never left him, he said that he was reminded daily of how important was to let people know you appreciated them because sometimes, you never get the chance. I have my own guilt, Charles could be difficult to handle, but he was a fine detective and a caring person. Telling his wife and son will go down as one the most difficult experiences of my long career."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""I can't imagine," Amy held on to her son tighter, "she must be suffering so much, they were finally going to get married, and now he won't be able to see Nicolaj grow up."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""He was inconsolable, he kept screaming that it can't be true, it can't be." Amy nearly gasped when Holt shed an actual tear while recounting this difficult experience, "he said his papa rescued him from bad men, that is was not fair that he could not save his papa from the bad men."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy felt her own tears now, "I'm so sorry sir, for you, for them. This case has made me think about whether staying in New York is what I want, I know crime happens everywhere, but there's so many people, so much crime."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""I know. I will most likely not be commissioner much longer, I have thought about teaching, I have been offered to teach a class on gender issues in law enforcement at Columbia University several times, but I never thought I could leave this job, until now."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy would have normally fought this tooth and nail, the thought of her mentor giving up, but right now she understood what this case and the casualties had done to everyone, the pain it was causing and the lives it was changing. She would not judge anyone for wanting to quit right now when that is how she felt, she knew Jake wanted to bring the men to justice, but she also knew he needed a change, this might be too much for him to face, staying at the nine-nine without Charles but being reminded daily of him and what he meant to Jake./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy and Jake/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Karen had been by, she saw Jake and cried a little, then cried a lot when Amy told her about Charles, she said hi to Jake in between his long naps and then left with JJ. Amy bought some sodas for Jake at store next to the hospital, when she returned, Jake was awake, the tv was on, an old episode of Dragnet was playing./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Ames look at this, Joe Friday had it easy, hippies and jazz cats doing crime, not psychos and gang members."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy sat down next to him, "I bought you some orange soda, to hell with your diet right now, you deserve this."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Thanks Ames," Jake took a soda from her and sighed loudly, "I miss him Ames, but that's not the worst of it, the worst is that I will never lose this guilt that I should have done more, as a friend, like he did."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy smiled through her sadness, "Jake, the fact that you were his friend, despite your teasing or the fact that you got busy with your family, that meant the world to him. Genevieve told me once that Charles didn't understand why you were his friend at all, he thought you were like the Fonz, but cooler."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake closed his eyes momentarily, "Charles Boyle, the greatest partner and friend, I wish he could hear us talking, hear how much I will fucking miss him, how much we honestly loved him. If there's any justice or even a god, Charles should get to hear this. I feel lucky that I wasn't killed, but I also feel guilty Ames, the picture, that damn picture of JJ, for Holt, that saved me, it's not fair, not that I want to be dead, but why does he?"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy could think of nothing to say, she instead tightened her grip on his arm, trying to convey her sorrow and pain and let him know that she understood his pain. They looked at each other for what seemed to each as a long time, no words were spoken, just a shared understanding of the pain that existed within them, the fear, the hate, and the sorrow. Jake eventually drifted off to sleep again, his dreams dominated by visits of his best friend./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"When Jake woke up, Amy was still there, "Ames, you need sleep, JJ needs you…"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""I went home for a little while, but Genevieve and Nicolaj want to come see you, I told them that was fine, sorry, I just couldn't say no…"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake shook his head, tears forming, "no, of course they can come, it will be as emotional as hell, but as much guilt and pain I feel, she will feel more, Nicolaj won't spend hardly a day of his life without thinking about how much that man loved him and did for him…shit, I need to pull it together before they get here."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy cleared the tears from her own eyes, "I think they will be glad to see he meant as much to you as he did to them, sometimes we need to feel understood, I imagine they feel like no one understands their pain, so I think you'll be fine."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake sighed, "I can buy that, how long until they come."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Genevieve said she wanted to come by after meeting with the funeral home, it's nearby, so anytime after noon. I need to go pick up JJ and get us some good food, I just wanted to be here when you woke up."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"A few hours later, Jake watched JJ get restless in the hospital room while eating his fourth slice of Sal's pizza. He couldn't help but still feel extreme guilt that here he was watching his son while Charles was robbed of that, that his son would get to have his dad there when he woke up most mornings while Nicolaj would never get that again, he was lost in these thoughts when he saw Amy stand up./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Genevieve, Nicolaj, come in." Genevieve had tears in her eyes already, Nicolaj looked devastated, JJ crawled to him, Nicolaj gave small smile and followed him to JJ's toys./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake was trying to think of what to say, but Genevieve spoke first, "Jake, I know you will feel guilty about this, but if something had to happen, Charles would have wanted to be by you…he loved you Jake…sorry."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake tried to sit up as good as he could, "I'm so sorry, I wish…I wish…I just wish it hadn't happened, I will always miss him, he was my best friend, even I didn't always act like it."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Genevieve gave a small smile, "no Jake, he understood you have a family, when you started insisting on getting together once a week, that meant the world to him, his own dad had been distant lately, but you saw his need and acted, that was everything to him, to me."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Nicolaj was suddenly at Jake's bed side, he said nothing, he just hugged Jake who couldn't help but hug him back. "I miss my papa."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Me too Nicolaj, me too, he was my best friend and great partner." Jake's mind was racing for what to say, he needed to say something, he could never take away the pain of Nicolaj losing his father, but there had to be something he could say. He paused a little bit, then smiled as he looked at him, "did you know your papa saved my life, like bunch of times?"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Nicolaj looked up at him, his glasses slightly fogged from crying, "really?"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Hell yeah," Jake saw Amy grinning while also shaking her head, "I mean, yeah, of course. He was so brave Nicolaj, but more important than that, he loved people, he taught me a lot about that. I used to not care what happened to me, I was reckless, but your dad taught me I can be a good cop and still be careful."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Nicolaj looked away, "but he still…"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake swore at himself internally, "what happened was terrible, but there was no way anyone could have avoided that buddy, but I know he would not want you be afraid, he would want you to enjoy life and help people like he did."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""I saw him dive in front of a bullet once to save Rosa, it hit him in the hip, he knew it would hurt him, be he still did it, I know a lot of cops who wouldn't have done that. He was the bravest guy out there."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake told a few more stories of Charles' heroics, Nicolaj soaking them up and beaming as Jake told them. After talking for a while, Genevieve told them that she and Nicolaj needed to go. Nicoalj hugged Jake and Amy, Genevieve stood next to Jake, "Jake, thanks for this, he needs this, please keep in touch he needs…"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Amy put her arm around her, "of course, you are still are friend and Jake and I want to do our best to keep Charles' memory alive."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake was alone in his hospital room watching some old monster movie on tv waiting for Amy to get him some clothes from home, he was being released from the hospital in a few hours. He was considering changing the channel when he heard a knock on the door, Jake turned and saw Amy's dad Victor./p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Victor, I'm going home in a few hours, you could just visit there, not as depressing."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Victor smiled, "I know, I actually wanted to talk to you, without everyone."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake felt nervous suddenly, "uh oh, did I break some Santiago rule?"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""No Jake, no, you just went through the worst thing a cop can go through, you lost your partner."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake felt worse now, he wished he had broken a Santiago rule, "oh, yeah, no, I'm fine."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Victor sat in the chair next to Jake's bed. "Bullshit Jake, nobody is fine when this happens, especially someone like you, and especially when he was your best friend. I've seen this happen, I've seen great cops fall apart because they can't deal with the aftermath, the emotions involved, we try to be tough and pretend we're tough guys, but losing your partner and friend, it's brutal."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Jake nodded, "yeah, you've seen it, a lot?"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""A few times, but I also lived it Jake."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Really, you lost a partner?"/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""I did, it was hard on me, even harder because I didn't always get along with this guy, he was old school, didn't love having a minority for a partner, he always referred to me as his Mexican partner."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Oh my god, that's terrible, not a nice person."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Not always, no, but we were investigating a case that was right out of the movies, it was murder, our suspect was a low level mob enforcer, then he gets killed before we can find him, turns out a detective in our precinct was working as an informant for the Capaso family, they were small compared to others, but they were nasty. We found this detective's fingerprint, Donaldson, my partner, Jantzen, he didn't want me along, he told me this guy would flip out if I went in, he was old school too, so he wore a wire and went to talk to him at his apartment. So I'm in the care listening to this old device, the quality was terrible, but heard enough, Jantzen told him to turn himself in and give up and admit what he did without hurting anybody else, well of course, Donaldson refused, but we had enough to easily end his career, but Jantzen got pissed and couldn't let it go, I knew something bad was about to happen and I ran, but I was too late, I heard the shot fired as I was running down the hallway, Donaldson runs out with his gun, but he couldn't do anything before I fired at him and brought him down."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""That's crazy, it sounds like a Pacino movie."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""I told you, but it was difficult for me Jake, I second guessed every decision I made that night, I felt bad for disliking Jantzen, even though he sometimes introduced my as Officer Spick or Detective Taco, but it didn't change how it screwed with me, made me second guess, made me overly cautious. I was struggling, and then something interesting happened."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""Please tell me the Pacino movie similarities end here."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;"Victor laughed, "I promise, Jantzen's best friend on the force was our Sergeant, who while he treated me okay, was also a little racist and definitely old school, but he pulled me aside and talked to me, I thought he might blame me, but instead he told me that I was a good cop, he said Jantzen liked me despite how he acted, he told me there was nothing I did wrong, that I couldn't let it keep me from being a good cop."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""It will be hard when I start working again, for sure. My worst problem is my guilt, I just wonder what I could have done different."/p
p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 16px; caret-color: #313131; color: #313131; font-family: -apple-system, HelveticaNeue; word-spacing: 1px;""That's the point Jake, what's done is done, focus on being a good cop to honor his memory, Amy told me you met with his son and told him stories, do that, but don't let it hurt you, as a person or as a great sergeant."/p