"Lena, can I go in and see Callie alone today? There's something I want to talk to her about."
"Sure, Jude. I'll just be in the waiting area if you need anything."
Jude hugged her and then he went into the visiting room on his own, sitting at an empty table, waiting for Callie to filter in. She wrapped her arms around him as soon as she saw him.
"Is everything going okay?" he asked her.
"As expected. I'm holding up my end of the deal and they seem pretty happy. What's going on with you? Still have all the same organs?"
Jude rolled his eyes. "Someday, you'll get over it."
"Someday," Callie said.
"Actually," Jude said. "There's something more I want to talk to you about and I think that's probably going to distract you."
Callie shook her head, running her fingers through her hair before propping her head on her hand. "What went wrong now, Jude?"
"Nothing." Jude took a deep breath. It was time. It had to be time. "Um, this is hard for me to say, but I think it's time for me to say it. I'm in a good place, now, you know. I have people that love me and a place where I can … I can be myself. They're going to adopt me. They love me. They're lesbians and, I think, it's time for me to … to be who I am."
Callie shut her eyes. "What about when you start school? What about when you meet new people? What if something bad happens and you can't be protected anymore?"
"You don't need to protect me anymore! And meeting new people and introducing me is the whole point! I have a support system now. They love me. I'm not on my own, trying to survive a place where I have to fly under the radar! I'm not getting hit anymore! I haven't said anything yet, to anyone, because I needed to go to you first because I need to know you love me first because if you don't love me no one will."
Callie's dark eyes, so like his own, softened. She reached across the table for him.
"I knew. From the first time a foster father accused you of it. From the first time you got hit for it. And that's why I hated it so much because it was true. It couldn't be true, Jude, not with the life we had."
He swallowed a lump in his throat.
"I didn't want it to be true. And, I still don't know if I want it to be true. But, you're the one living your life. You're the one who knows when the time is right for you. You're my little brother and everything I've ever done is because I love you and that's not something that's ever going to change. So, if you're sure you're safe and if you're sure this is you, then I don't want to stop you. But be sure. I do love you."
Jude felt tears in his eyes. He'd been sure of Callie's love for him, but not sure of her support for his coming out.
"Callie, I love you too."
"One more thing, Jude," Callie said. "Promise me that this is what you want and that this isn't about Connor."
"So, you know about that part too."
"I know you. I've been there practically every day of your whole life. And, Jude, you're not that sneaky."
"This is about me. This is about me being myself so that I can I can get what I want. And I want him."
"Be safe, Jude. And don't cry. You've got a happy life now."
"You don't."
"It's all uphill from here," she said. "It's all okay, Jude."
He his head in his hands, blinking back the tears. He wasn't going to cry in front of Callie. He wasn't going to cry at all. It was good news. He shouldn't be sobbing at good news.
"I love you," Callie said again.
"You too," Jude whispered.
Callie was always going to love him.
Once he emerged from his hands, their visit went by all too quickly, and he dragged his feet on the way back to Lena, who put her book back in her purse and put her arm around her shoulders.
"Everything go okay, Jude? Your eyes look red."
"Yeah. It's just …" He sighed, sitting in the passenger seat. He was free to say it. Telling Callie was the hard part and the hard part was over. Why was he so tongue-tied now?
"It's just what?" Lena asked, beginning to drive. "Is everything okay with Callie?"
"I'm gay and I'm in love with Connor!" Jude blurted and he felt like he could breathe properly again once the words hung between them in the car. "And all I need to do now is tell him because I've been not telling him for so long."
"I'm proud of you, Jude," Lena said. "It's not always an easy thing to say."
"It hasn't been. I've been in love with him since the first time I met him, pretty much, and that's a long time to be quiet. He's in love with me too, you know?" Jude said.
"He is? How do you know?"
"He kept trying to tell me when he thought he was dying but I wouldn't let him. And once, he was high on pain meds and he admitted it, but those were the meds that affected his memory and he didn't remember it. That time, I hoped he did remember it because I thought I could be stronger and say it back if he did remember it. But, now, it's my turn to not be scared, since I told him no all those times but … I don't think he'll tell me no. I hope he won't. I think he'll know I was just that scared."
"Jude, I think it's brave of you to be yourself, no matter what. No matter what Connor says."
"Callie asked me if I was doing it for him. I'm not. It's not about him. I want to be me. I couldn't be me before and now I need to be but I love him."
Lena pulled into their driveway, turning off the car, and hugging him over the console. "You've come so far, Jude. We're proud of you. Be yourself. You never have to be ashamed of that."
"I didn't know that I didn't have to be until the first night I stayed here with you, before Callie went to jail. I never realized that not everybody would hate me until the first time I saw you kiss Stef. I didn't know. It was you who taught me that."
"Oh, Jude. We love you. I hope you know that."
"I do." Jude looked up into her warm, maternal face. "I love you guys too."
"Let's go in. Do you want anything special for lunch?"
"It doesn't have to be special. It's just a day."
"Is it?" she asked.
It was and it wasn't. Jude had never realized how much he couldn't breathe until he fully could again.
"If it's not just a day," Jude said, "does that mean I can put off starting my English project to tomorrow?"
Lena laughed brightly. Then, "No."
"I thought I should try."
"It was a good try," Lena agreed. "Come on, I'll make some sandwiches."
"Thanks," Jude said, and he practically skipped into the house.
(-.-)
"Connor, are you sure you don't want to go right home?" Adam asked.
Connor looked out the car window, at Jude's front door, and then back to his father.
"Dad, I've got to tell Jude. He's going to be mad if I don't and you have to go back to work and I don't want to spend any more time alone."
Adam reached over the console and hugged Connor. "Call me if you need me and I want you home for supper tonight. Jude can come too, if he wants to, but I want you home."
"I'll be home," Connor promised.
"I love you, Connor."
"Love you too, Dad."
Connor got out of the car and walked up to Jude's front door. He knocked while Adam drove away. It was Ms. Adams that answered.
"Connor! Is Jude expecting you?"
"Um, no, but I needed to talk to him in person. He's home, right?" He knew that Jude had gone to visit Callie this morning. Hopefully, he was back by now.
"He is. He's upstairs. He's got an English project that hes working on."
"Does he have to finish it today?"
"No. Come in, Connor, is something wrong?"
"So, um, my appointment with Dr. Meyer was changed from tomorrow to today and, uh, he's got to know."
Ms. Adams covered her hand with her mouth. "Oh, Connor. Good news or bad?"
"You can't tell him."
"I won't."
Still scared that Jude would overhear, Connor beckoned her down to whisper in her ear. Her face changed at his words, tears in her eyes.
"Oh, Connor, I …"
"Lena? Who are you talking to?" Jude's voice rang down the stairs.
"It's me, Jude," Connor called. "Came to see if you were busy."
"I'll be in the kitchen. He can't see me. He can't." Ms. Adams squeezed Connor's shoulders and then fled the room.
"Hey! What's up?" Jude said as he reached the main floor.
"Let's go somewhere," Connor said.
"You just want to be out now that you're allowed," Jude said and then he shouted, "Lena, can I go out with Connor?"
"Take your phone!" she shouted back.
"I will!"
Jude patted his pockets for his phone and then he slid his shoes on.
"Where are we going?" Connor asked.
"You came to get me. I thought you had somewhere you wanted to go."
"No, not really," Connor said. "I just wanted to see you and do something. I was bored at home and since we can do things now …"
"Are you allowed on transit?" Jude asked.
"Yeah," Connor said. "Somewhere you want to go?"
"Yeah. Come on."
Jude led him to the bus stop. As they sat and waited, Connor asked where they were going but Jude wouldn't tell him. He said he would tell him when they got there – whenever that was. They got on the bus and it was barely ten minutes before Connor started to recognize the street names. They were near the Youth Centre that he had met Jude at and he wondered if Jude was taking him back there. He didn't know why Jude would though; Jude hated that place. Maybe they were going back to their old coffeeshop. Connor would like that and it might be a good place to gently break his news. But they passed the coffee shop. It was a few more stops before Jude hit the button and then led Connor off the bus.
Connor looked around. It definitely wasn't a good part of town and there was hardly a soul out on the streets.
"I went to see Callie today," Jude said.
"I know. How was it?"
"As hard as seeing Callie always is," Jude replied. "Everything we were talking about got me thinking about our old life. My life is so different now and I just thought …"
Jude trailed off as he skirted onto a property, heading to the back of the house, though Connor could clearly see unbroken crime scene tape on the front door. He stared up at the house, all of the pieces clicking together. This is where Jude used to live! Moving with caution and reverence, Connor watched Jude break the police tape on the back of the house and then open the door. They stepped inside, taking a moment to listen, but the house was empty and silent, full of the aura of neglect. It felt like nobody had been in here since the day Callie had been arrested. Jude gestured Connor up the stairs and Connor followed.
He'd always follow Jude.
(-.-)
Jude wasn't entirely sure why he had come back to Nic's house and he definitely wasn't sure why he had brought Connor with him. Connor would know everything about his past now and that was daunting, but Jude needed someone to know. He needed someone else to bear witness to everything that he and Callie had lived through. He stopped in the middle of the dusty living room. The attic had been overturned and searched through and no one had ever bothered to right it. Of course no one had. Why would they?
Jude turned around to look at Connor's face.
"What do you think?"
"I think it's dusty."
"Should you be here?"
"It's fine." Connor turned in a full circle. "What do you think, Jude?"
"I think I'm glad that I never have to see this place again and that the person I was when I lived here doesn't have to exist anymore."
Connor poked open the two doors, laughing when he saw the small bathroom.
"You left hair dye behind, Jude."
"Whoops." That didn't surprise him. When Connor looked in the bedroom, Jude said, "Callie and I shared that."
"You didn't have to share this with me," Connor said, circling into the kitchen.
Jude wondered if anyone had bothered to clean out the small refrigerator before turning the power off. Probably not; he couldn't imagine it was a priority. Still, he wasn't going to be the one to check.
"I know. I wanted to. I want you to know everything about you."
Connor ran his finger through the dust in the counter. "Hey, come here!"
"What?" Jude hurried over, wondering if Connor had found something awful.
"The dust is thick enough that we can play hangman!"
"I can barely play hangman on paper."
"Come on, Jude, try!"
"And that's a long word!"
"Consider it a test."
"Lena administers tests," Jude grumbled, but decided to play along anyway. "Nine letters is long."
"It kind of is," Connor agreed. "Come on, guess."
Jude guessed an 'A' which earnt him a head. The dust hangman definitely looked worse for wear compared to his paper counterparts. And he definitely looked worse for wear when Jude couldn't guess the word and ended up killing him.
"Okay. What was it?"
Connor filled in the rest of the blanks and then turned to face Jude, staring at him like he hadn't since he was in the hospital. Jude sounded out the word. "Remission?"
He knew that word. Where did he know that word from?
"Oh! What?"
"My appointment was today, Jude," Connor said, breaking into a smile. "It's good news. I'm in remission, Jude! I'm –"
Jude grabbed him by the waist and kissed him. He kissed him like had dreamt of doing since he'd met him. He kissed him like he wished he had done on Christmas instead of coming to his senses. He wrapped his arms around Connor's back and pulled Connor as close as he possibly could to him, Connor throwing his arms around Jude's neck and kissing him back as intensely. Jude kissed him until he couldn't breathe and Connor settled back onto his own two feet, still staring up at him and Jude knew he needed an explanation.
"Do you remember that first day we went to the beach? Before anything ever happened? That was the day that I started liking you. And I was so scared by it because I wasn't allowed to like you and I couldn't stop talking to you. I already liked you that much that even though I knew I had to cut you off to protect myself, I couldn't. Callie knew too and that's why she hated you in my life, because she was the one that nursed me back to health every attack and she didn't want me to go through that again. But I couldn't give you up!"
"Kiss me again," Connor said.
So, Jude did, cradling Connor's face in his hands this time and kissing him so much more sweetly.
"When you kissed me at Christmas, I almost exploded. There was mistletoe and it was too good to be true and I have thought about that kiss every night since it happened. I've wanted to do it again ever since it happened, but then you got sick, and that was an excuse I used. I couldn't tell you anything while you were sick, but I was just hiding. I wasn't ready to be me, yet, but I've been thinking about you forever, Connor. You were exactly the person that I wanted to meet, the person that I could never admit to myself that I wanted, and then I had to hear that you kissed Jake and I almost died, right there, because I thought I would lose you, and I could never lose you. Jake was going to take you or you were going to die and I never want to be without you."
"Kiss me again," Connor said.
Jude did, his hand on the back of Connor's head, his hair almost long enough to poke out between his fingers now. Connor had to lean up into him, kissing him desperately, like Jude might ever be able to stop now.
"I didn't think that I loved you until you were in the hospital but I'm pretty sure that I loved you long before then. Do you remember that medication you took? The one that you hated and the one that made you fuzzy? You told me when you were on that medication that you loved me. It was right before Valentine's Day. And I've been waiting this whole time for you to say it again because I thought that when you did, I'd be ready to say it back, because I've never been as happy as when you told me you loved me. Never. And then every time you tried to tell me, I shot you down."
"Kiss me again," Connor said, his hands grasping the front of Jude's t-shirt, pulling him down.
Connor guided the kiss this time, one of his hands holding onto Jude's shirt and the other on the back of his head.
"I was so scared. Too scared. I didn't want the past to repeat and even though I knew I was safe with Stef and Lena, I couldn't let go. I've been trying so hard to let go because I've been waiting to tell you this forever. But I told Callie this morning and I told Lena after that and I'm going to be me now. And I love you. I love you. I want to be me with you."
Connor was silent this time, staring up at him, but Jude was done. His words were all out on the floor. He reached up and unhooked one of Connor's hands from his shirt to hold it, swinging it in between them.
"Connor? Say something?"
"You've loved me this whole time?"
"Yes."
"I cried at Christmas when you rejected me."
"I'm sorry."
"You told me to kiss Jake."
"I know."
"You've known I've loved you back pretty much this whole time!"
"It's all I've been thinking about." Jude couldn't catch Connor's gaze. "Do you … You do still love me, right? I haven't just destroyed everything."
Connor squeezed his hand. "Kiss me again, Jude."
Jude bent his head down to Connor's again, capturing his lips. Connor stumbled backward against the counter, pulling at Jude to be closer and closer, and Jude didn't know how they could get any closer. He could feel Connor's hands, skimming from his back to his shoulders to his head, and his whole body felt warm. He felt on fire. He felt like smiling through every movement on Connor's lips and it was so hard to kiss him when he was so damn happy. Connor's head turned from his and he drew in a long, shaky breath before hiding his face in Jude's shirt, cuddling him in a close hug.
"Of course I still love you, Jude. How could I even think about anyone else when you're real?"
Connor loved him back! He'd said the words!
"Let's get out of here," Jude said. "This is a really crappy place to be."
Connor nodded, following him back out the door, and Jude felt a sense of closure, of relief, as he shut the door for the last time. He knew it was the last time this time. He knew what his life would be now.
"What now?" Connor asked.
"Well, hot chocolate and the beach? We can do that again now that you're allowed out of the bubble."
"That sounds really good!" Connor said, keeping pace with him. Connor's hand brushed his but Connor made no move to take it and so Jude didn't hold his hand either. "But, Jude, that's not what I meant."
"Then, what did you mean?"
"Well, like, are we … Are we dating now? Are we telling people that? What are we … doing now?"
"Let's get to the beach, okay?"
This time, Jude bought the hot chocolates, since he owed Connor a hundred of them, probably, and then they headed to the beach. He and Connor talked about other, littler things, but it wasn't until they were sitting on the sand that Jude put his arm around Connor's shoulders, drawing him in close. Connor pressed tight against his side.
"I want you to be my boyfriend," Jude said. "That was the whole point of telling you. That, and telling everyone you're mine so that there are no more Darias and no more Jakes. Be mine, Connor."
"That's the tackiest thing I've ever heard you say."
"Did it win you over?"
Connor smiled, looking self satisfied and he linked his fingers with Jude's, pulling Jude's arm tighter around him.
"You're my boyfriend," Connor said and Jude knew Connor well enough to know that he was smug about it.
"Well, you're my boyfriend too."
"This means you're definitely not going to be allowed to stay in my bed when we have sleepovers," Connor mused.
"Maybe we don't tell our parents," Jude mused, and Connor laughed.
"We have to!"
"Yeah, you're right."
"Plus, I can't keep any secrets from Ms. Adams," Connor said.
"There's also that."
Connor took a sip from his hot chocolate, staring out at the waves. "I can't believe you loved me too. Sometimes, I thought so, and then other times … you had me so convinced. Best friends. I'll never believe you again."
"You clearly believe I'm in love with you."
Connor rolled his eyes. "I guess so. But this does make you the worst liar out of both of us."
"I think not telling your best friend that you're dying is way worse."
"You kept your secret longer!"
"You were forced into telling me yours. You didn't even make that decision!"
"Yours is worse!" Connor insisted.
"Is not!"
"Is!"
Their faces were growing closer and closer and it wasn't long before their argument was forgotten, because Connor kissed him or Jude kissed Connor, not that it mattered. Their hot chocolates were left cooling in the sand as Connor's legs slid over Jude's lap and they were as close as two people could possibly be.
And Jude was happy. He was in love.
And Connor loved him back.
This is the last week to submit songs for the playlist – make sure to get them in before next Monday!
If you have a song that reminds you of The Island Of Misfit Toys and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are: Love Alone by Thriving Ivory; Cast No Shadow by Oasis; and Brand New by Emilie Mover!
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about The Island Of Misfit Toys, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~