I do not own Dirty Dancing.
Chapter Twenty Three
POV Baby
Everything And Nothing
Hearing the music from inside Johnny's room, I am assured that he is here, rather than with Penny. Softly, I knock on his door. I hear his steps on the wood floor, and the creak of the door opening.
Johnny had told me where his cabin was the day he taught me the lift. I had just never imagined I would ever see it, much less for this purpose. When he opened the door, I wasn't surprised to see that he wasn't wearing a shirt. It was incredibly humid today, and it wasn't anything I hadn't seen before.
His expression reveals nothing. I can't tell if he's glad to see me, or if he knew why I was here, which I suspected he did. But the one thing I did know was that Johnny hadn't been expecting me to come here.
Tonight, a decision would have to be made. I was going to come clean to Johnny about how he made me feel. I was going to leave him with two choices; start something, or stop seeing each other all together. We both knew we couldn't be just friends anymore. I hoped to God he picked the first one. "Can I come in?" I ask. Johnny said nothing, but stepped aside, letting me through the door.
I look around his room. It wasn't much, but it was all unbearably him, from the boxes of records, vinyl crammed into every nook and cranny he could find, to the clothes tossed over chairs and the unmade bed. It is a far cry from what I am used to, but somehow, it is better. However, Johnny didn't think so, "I uh... I guess it's not a great room," He says, "You probably got a great room,"
"No, this- it's a great room," I tell him. It really was. In some ways, it was better than my room, if only because it was his. For too long, there is silence. If I had to guess, I would say that Johnny didn't entertain here very often. The Dancer strode over to one of his chairs, picking the clothes off it, and setting them in a heap on the floor. He gestured to the chair, offering me a seat, which I took.
It was difficult for me to imagine Johnny Castle coming back here when the day was done. I knew that what he showed the guests here was a facade, the polished, charming performer was nothing more than a mask he wore. The face he showed the staff, one of fun and irresponsibility and charisma, that was closer to the real image, but still not it. I doubted any of the staff really knew him, besides Billy and Penny. I thought that who he really was was somewhere between what he showed the staff and me, most of the time. Now, he looked more bare than ever, showing what I believed to be his truest self.
But still, it was not easy to imagine Johnny coming back here when the day was done. The great, suave, charismatic Dance Teacher I knew came back to a messy cabin. I wondered how it was possible for him to at the same time as deserving more than this room, look like he belonged here, among the glass bottles and records.
Johnny turned to the record player, about to turn it off, "No, leave it on," I tell him. I liked the music, and it made the silence of the room feel less loud, somehow. Johnny looked scared right now. He had no idea what to do with me, I realize, no clue what to say. Johnny stared at the floor, avoiding my gaze. He looked like I could explode any second. Still looking terrified, he cleaned off the other chair and sat down, tense as the strings on a violin.
"I'm sorry about the way my Father treated you," I apologize. He had been out of line to judge Johnny like that without even knowing him. I knew he had just assumed that Johnny had been the Father when he said he was responsible, and that was part of why my Father had been so rude to him.
Johnny shook his head. I know he thinks I don't need to apologize, but I do. Johnny deserved better than to have people walk all over him. I was not going to contribute to such a thing if I could help it. "No, your Father was great," He insisted, "I mean... he was great. The way he took care of Penny, it was-"
"Yes, but I mean the way he was with you," I cut him off. I didn't want to hear about my Father from him, because no matter what other people thought, he wasn't perfect. I knew that now. He had proven it tonight. Penny was a patient, and it was his job to treat her nice. But apparently it didn't matter if he walked all over everyone else. Nervously, I start to explain why I was here, "It's really me it has to do with. Johnny, I came here because my Father-"
"No, the- the way he saved her- I mean, I- I could never do anything like that," Johnny insisted, "That was something, then. I mean, the reason people treat me like I'm nothing is because I'm nothing,"
I gape at him. How couple he possibly think so little of himself? How could I make him see, understand, how much he was worth? If only he saw himself as I did. I shake my head, denying his words. He mattered more than he knew. "That's not true! You- you're everything,"
Johnny looked at me, the first real time he's done so since I got here. There are a thousand things I can see in his eyes; pain, rage, and even desire. In a bitter voice, he spoke, "You don't understand the way it is. I mean for somebody like me. Last month I- I'm eating jujubes to keep alive, this month, women are stuffing diamonds in my pockets! I'm balancing on shit and as quick as that I could be down there again," Johnny argued, snapping his fingers in illustration.
I shake my head. His words weren't true, but not because of a lie. Because he hadn't seen the goodness in the world. He didn't know how it could be, he had never been shown any kindness. "No, that's not the way it is," I plea, "It doesn't have to be that way,"
"I've never known anybody like you," Johnny remarked. At this point, I don't know if he meant that in a good way or a bad way. Right now it was difficult to tell. Insistently, he continued, "You look at the world and you think you can make it better. Somebody's lost, you find them, somebody's bleeding, and you-"
"Yeah, I go get my Daddy," I spit. That was all I knew how to do when there was trouble, go get Daddy. So dignified. "That's really brave, like you said,"
I feel Johnny's eyes on me, our positions reversed from a minute ago, when he said he was nothing. Now, it is he who stared at me, wondering how I could possibly say such a thing, as if it is blasphemy to do so, "That took a lot of guts to go to him!" Not for the first time, I wonder how he can be so hypocritical as to believe he had no value, to say as much, yet when I do it, it was suddenly not okay, "I mean...you are not scared of anything! I don't understand-"
"Me?! I'm scared of everything!" I shout, "I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am," Johnny sighed, standing up from his chair. I was done dancing around it. I was going to tell him right now. I take a breath, about to say the most difficult words I've ever had to say. "And... most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life," I swallow, "The way I feel when I'm with you,"
Johnny froze, still as a statue as the song changed to Cry To Me. He stared down at the floor, hands in his pockets. Johnny won't look at me, like he's almost afraid to. But I know he wants to. I knew that he wanted me, wanted to kiss me. I could feel the desire emanating from him. I wanted it, too.
He wouldn't start anything between us, I realized. No matter how much he wanted it, he would not. The first touch or look wouldn't come from him. Johnny would never be the one to initiate the first kiss.
It needed to come from me.
When your baby leaves you all alone,
I stand, stepping towards him. "Dance with me," I demand. I needed this to happen. I needed to experience this. And most of all, I needed it to be with him.
Finally, Johnny looked me in the eyes, an almost confused expression on his face. "What, here?" Johnny asked, as if the setting were inappropriate. As if I cared more about where this happened than the fact that it would be happening with him.
And nobody calls you on the phone,
"Here."
I step towards Johnny, touching my hands to his chest. My palms slip over his taut, smooth skin. One stops at his shoulder, the other curled around his neck. My fingers entwined themselves in his hair. Abruptly, Johnny took in a breath. He still wouldn't let himself touch me. But he wanted to. Oh, he wanted too. I could feel Johnny's hunger for it pulsing in his veins.
Oh, doncha feel like a crying?
Doncha feel like crying?
Well, here I am, my honey,
Come on, and cry to me,
For a while, neither of us move, simply sharing each other's breaths in the space between us. It was his turn now. His move. Johnny knew what I wanted. I had made it clear. Now, he needed to make his move. He needed to choose.
Johnny wrapped an arm around my waist. He does not kiss me, not yet. But, at last, he had made a decision.
We were going to do this.
When you're all alone, in your lonely room,
And there's nothing, but the smell of her perfume,
Johnny bent his knees, like he told me to do the first time we danced together. We move together, my body pressing into his. Together, we go down, and then up. The pair of us sway to the music.
It was my move, now. I lean my torso back away from him, going into my own dip. Letting him see the skin that went from my jaw down to my breasts. I ached to feel Johnny's lips on that skin. I wanted him to kiss me everywhere he could.
Oh, doncha feel like a crying?
Doncha feel like crying?
Doncha feel like a crying?
When I am art my full height again, Johnny pressed me into another dip. I cling to his strong arms as he pulled me back up. I put my arms around his neck. I felt Johnny's hands pressing into my shoulder blades. We swayed together, from side to side. My hand fell to his waist as I stood on my tip toes, pressing my lips to the skin at the base of his neck. A current of satisfaction ran through me as I felt it becoming harder and harder for him to resist me.
Well, come on, come on,
Cry to me,
Nothing can be sadder than a glass of wine alone,
His hands fell from my shoulders to my waist as we continued to sway. In one second. Johnny swung me back away from him. He held me up by my shoulders and my leg. I rise, the leg he'd grabbed falling to the ground. The look Johnny was giving me was clear, a challenge.
It was my move.
Loneliness, loneliness, such a waist of time,
Our foreheads touch, leaning into each other. I walk in a slow circle around him. The soft skin of my lips trailed across Johnny's shoulders, kissing his skin. As I came back into his line of sight, I set a hand on the small of his back. He turned to look at me, eyes steely. He is questioning, after all I've done, all I've said, if I really want him. To prove just how much, I let my hand fall across his bottom, something I never would've even considered touching until recently.
No going back.
You don't ever have to walk alone, oh, you'll see,
Oh, come on and take my hand, and baby won't you walk with me?
Whoa yeah,
I slide my arms around his neck. The look I give is the same one he gave me but a moment ago. A challenge. I accepted his, doing something increasingly bold. Now, it was his turn. We had made this a competition between us, I suppose, over whoever completed the most brazen move to the other without scaring them away. Though I didn't think either of us is really losing at this point. Not when both of us wanted what was going to happen.
Briefly, I wonder if it is possible to convey all I felt for Johnny in one look. His blue eyes softened as I gazed into them. He seemed to understand, regardless.
When you're waiting for a voice to come,
In the night, when
there's no one,
Oh, doncha feel like crying?
Doncha feel like crying?
Johnny's rough hands slid up my back, making me shiver. He guided my arms over my head. Sensing what he is about to do, I hold them there for him. Johnny's fingers slipped down my side. I feel a tug at the hem of my shirt. I lose sight of him for a moment, as the white shirt was pulled over my head. The night air is cool, but his skin is hot against mine. I can no longer tell what it is that makes me shiver: the temperature or Johnny.
Johnny held the cloth, like it was the last shred of restraint he had. His big, strong hands pressed the cloth into my butt. In one deciding moment, he tossed it to the floor.
Oh, doncha feel like a cry-cry-cry-cry-cry-cry, cry-cry-cry-cry-cry-cry cryin'?
It occurs to me then, for the first time, that I had no idea what I was doing. I was a virgin, I'd never even kissed a man before Johnny. He was the first man I'd liked, that genuinely seemed to be attracted to me and and reciprocate my feelings. I'd essentially come here with the intention of seducing him, since I knew Johnny was never going to act on his feelings if left to his own devices. I wanted this, but I was still scared. And I didn't want to be the one to back down.
When in doubt, improvise.
I stand on my tip toes, brushing my lips against his. I become pliable in his arms, allowing him to dip me twice, each a thrilling sensation in my stomach. On the last one, my hand slid up to his shoulder, feeling the muscles in his chest. The appendage continues to move until it reached the nape of his neck, netting my fingers in his dark hair. Johnny's palm slid down my shoulder. I leaned up, and gently kissed his eyelid.
Doncha feel like a cry-cry-cry-cry-cry-cry, cry-cry-cry-cry-cry-cry cryin'?
There is a brief moment of silence as the record player changed songs. It now plays She's Like The Wind.
I finger the buttons on my pants, and slowly pull the zipper down. Taking Johnny's hands in mine, I set them on my hips.
Delicately, Johnny kissed my nose. His fingers slipped under the hem of my jeans and tugged them to the floor, cold air hitting my legs. I step out of them, putting my arms around his neck, pressing closer into him. I cannot be too close. Even a Millimeter would be too far.
Johnny closed the little distance that remained. He kissed me with such a force that my spine bent over backwards. I feel a thrill in my stomach. Our first kiss. This kiss is wonderful. It feels like the only thing I have ever wanted, yet somehow it is not enough. I wanted more, hungered to feel his lips on mine. I never wanted the kiss to end.
Sadly, it had to. I tried to hold on as long as it could, but eventually pulled away a few centimeters. I needed air. Johnny's kiss had quite literally left me breathless. My fingers curled into his hair as if to let go is to die. Johnny put his face to mine, softly kissing my skin. I feel my lips on his jaw, every part of me aching for another kiss. Johnny smiled at me, one of the first genuine smiles I'd even seen him give. A smile that told me he was going to make sure I enjoyed what was going to happen as much as he did.
I feel his thumb caress my breast. This time I knew he meant it. One of my arms fell to rest at his waist, the other remaining around his neck. In the few Centimeters between us, our breaths mingled.
Though the last few minutes have been what could be considered foreplay, it seemed to finally be hitting me. I had kissed Johnny. There was no going back. He was going to have my virginity.
And I was okay with it.
This was not a pause for breath. This was Johnny making certain I wouldn't object.
I wait in silence. I was okay with it. I wanted it.
But he moved first.
I felt his lips on mine, tender kisses against my skin. I put my arms around his neck in preparation. I didn't know what he was about to do, but I really didn't care. Johnny had taught me the lift. He could tell me anything and I would trust him. Not for lack of brains, but because I believed with all my heart he would never do anything to hurt me.
His hands grip my thighs, sliding them atop his. My legs draped over his hips. Johnny bent his knee, like he'd taught me the first time we danced together, and rocked his hips. The sensation was decidedly pleasant, and I lean away from him, to give him a view of my throat. I clutch Johnny's shoulders, and he my waist. I settle in closer to him, as he continued to gyrate.
I release his shoulders, trusting that he won't drop me. Johnny's hips pressed into mine. This was a new type of dirty dancing, one I hadn't seen even the staff preform. It was sweet to think that the first time I knew of it would be with him.
I lean away from him, giving proof that I could do a dip on my own. On my way up, my arms wrap around his neck for stability. Johnny looked up at me, and closed the distance between us. I felt his lips on my skin, soft lips kissing my neck, my breasts, my jawline. I plant a kiss on his forehead, shifting my weight so I knelt on him, my shins on his thighs. I move closer, feeling his hand on my bottom as support. Soon, however. It migrated back to my waist. I clutch his dark locks as I felt him kissing my chest again. Johnny rocked his hips, and I felt yet another soft kiss on my breast.
Johnny lifted me back onto the floor, hands on my hips. I kiss him, passion consuming me. It took forever for it to break, but to my dissatisfaction, it did. Johnny pushed me back, gyrating into my pelvis. I hold onto his shoulder with one hand, trusting completely that he wasn't going to drop me. There wasn't a doubt in my mind concerning him.
Johnny pulled me up, hips grinding into mine. My hand brushed the soft hair at the nape of his neck. He kissed me again, roughly, arms trapping me like a vice. I am his willing captive. Johnny pushed me towards the floor, my lips kissing his forehead, and his my neck. I feel my spine pressing into the wooden floorboards, and pulled him on top of me, hearing the song change yet again, a song called I've Been Loving You Too Long.
Johnny kissed me gently. In fear, I still. Why was I afraid of this? I had wanted it, asked for it. I trusted him. Johnny would never intentionally hurt me. I was okay with my first time being with him.
But why was I afraid?
Johnny ended our kiss, and pulled up a bit, as if sensing my fear. He looked knowingly down at me, "If you want, we can stop," Johnny says. I keep myself from shaking my head, even though that it's exactly the last thing I want. Johnny continued, "Just say the word, and I won't go any farther. I will never go farther than you want me to, Baby. We don't have to do this. I'll back off, no questions asked, if you say so. I know how you feel, Baby. It's okay."
I sit up, known that this was going to take more than just a few words to resolve. Johnny followed my cue. I took a deep, shuddering breath. I shouldn't have been afraid of this. I cared more about Johnny than I'd ever cared about anyone, trusted him more than anyone else. And I was afraid. Quietly, I start with the only thing, I knew, "I've just...I've never done this before,"
"I know," He answered softly, barely a whisper.
"I both do and don't. I want to, but I'm afraid, and it makes no sense at all-"
Johnny kissed me, stopping my words. I had almost been rambling, would have been if he hadn't stopped me. His words quiet, Johnny said, "It makes perfect sense,"
Johnny wrapped his arms around me. Tight enough to be comfortable, loose enough to not be frightening. I concentrate on my breathing, my forehead leaning into his, my hands on his chest. I could feel Johnny's heartbeat underneath my hands. Ga-Gung. Ga-Gung. When I speak, it is in a meek, scared little voice that doesn't seem like it's mine. "I'm scared, Johnny," I tell him. My words were an echo of what Penny had said to me, only this morning. It felt so long ago. The words had more truth than I let on. I was afraid of everything, like I said. Not just the sex. How I felt scared me, though I barely understood it. The things I wanted to do around Johnny scared me. The thought of losing him scared me most of all.
His arms closed a little tighter around me. Voice soft, he spoke, "I know you are. It's okay to be scared." It didn't feel okay to be afraid, but his voice was soothing nonetheless. "We don't have to continue," He says. "Only if you want to."
Stopping was the last thing I wanted to do, and though I was still afraid, I knew that I wanted to do this. I might not have another chance with him after tonight. I give a small nod, showing that I did indeed want to do this. "You're sure?" Johnny asked to be sure. I give another, more confident nod. "We can stop whenever you want. If you ever feel uncomfortable, I want you to tell me. Okay?" I give yet another nod.
I felt Johnny's arms holding me. They picked me up, and gently carried me over to the bed, setting me down on the mattress to face him. Johnny's hands cupped my face, as if to tell me I was beautiful, to not be afraid. His contact is a silent encouragement, and I treasure it. My eyes shut, and I lean further into it, like it isn't enough. "Hey. You can trust me. I'm not going to hurt you," He said, a small smile taking place on his lips.
Johnny put a hand to my waist, and left it there, not wanting to push me. Pushing through my own fear, I put my hand to the back of his neck. Knowing I will need my breath, I inhale, and press my lips to his. The reaction was immediate. Johnny's hands slid across the skin of my back, touching as much as he could. The space between us is nonexistent. Involuntarily, my legs curled around Johnny in an effort to be closer to him, had that been possible.
I felt his lips on his neck as I undid his belt. Moments later, he returned the favor, effectively unclipping my bra. Soon all of our clothing lays in a pile on the floor. I kiss him passionately, holding it as long as I can. Johnny's arms curled around me, fingers holding my shoulders. My spine arched with pleasure as I felt his lips on my skin, lips kissing me from my breasts to my lips. His lips ghosted over the skin of my throat. Sweetly, I give him another kiss.
The sounds of us making love fill the night air. The sounds of skin on skin, sheets rubbing aginst us. Sounds of moans and kisses. The sensation was more wonderful than anything I'd ever experienced before. It was exhilarating. I loved every second of it.
"Baby," Came Johnny's voice, hand on my shoulder.
"Five more minutes, Johnny," I moan. It felt too early to be up. Too early for dance lessons. I push his hand away.
His voice only came again, more insistent this time. "Come on, Baby. Your family isn't going to stay in bed the whole day, so unless you want a whole lot of questions as to why you're walking in the door with messy hair and clothes from yesterday, I suggest you start moving,"
Messy hair? Yesterday? What was Johnny doing in my cabin, in my bed? And why was he naked? Was I naked?
The events of yesterday came flying back to me at break neck speed. The Sheldrake. It had passed without a hitch, save for my not doing the lift. We came back, and Penny was bleeding out, so I went to get my Dad. He'd told me to never see Johnny again, and be a good girl, so in retaliation, I'd come here.
To Johnny's cabin. And I was in his bed.
I'd told him about my feelings, demanded he dance with me, so he had. Then it turned into more. Our dance had turned into foreplay, and stripping. It had turned into kisses, and Johnny and I gyrating with one another in his cabin. And then he had made love to me.
I wasn't a virgin anymore.
I had no time to think about this now, I had to get back. The events of last night would have to be mulled over later. Begrudgingly, I climb out of the still warm bed. He was right. I didn't like it but he was right. I dress in a hurry, ready to get back. Johnny walked me to the door giving a quiet "Bye," On my way out. Excited thoughts filled my brain.
Most important was this; when could I see him again?
Okay, so maybe a small part of me enjoys making you people suffer from the waiting. But really, isn't that what writing is all about?
Really, I wasn't planning on posting this tonight. But one of my reviewers insisted. Really, if you want more that badly, all you have to do is ask. More chapters are just a review away. ;) It doesn't hurt to let me know I'm appreciated, after all. I mean, I am holding the rest of my writing hostage...
More updates soon!
Unless you give me reason not to...