Chapter 2

The lights were so bright. Shepard squinted into the florescent ceiling lights. Her head pounded. Her eyes rolled around the room. It came back in a flash - the attack, the crossfire, the shuttle exploding, Dr. Chakwas, the turiens, her crew … She lurched upright. Someone pressed her shoulders back down. Shepard frowned up at a face coming into focus.

"Shepard, settle down. You need to take this easy." It was Miranda.

A blue face came up beside Miranda's.

"Shepard, how do you feel?" Liara asked.

Shepard struggled upright on her elbows, but Miranda pressed her down again. Shepard gave up and glared at them. She tried her voice. It sounded husky.

"Guys, come on."

Miranda smirked. "'Guys, come on?' Really, Shepard? Your first words back from the dead for the third time."

"What?"

Liara touched her shoulder softly. "Shepard, you've been comatose for weeks."

"Weeks," Shepard croaked.

"You need to take it slowly," Miranda said. "You undo all my work, Shepard, and I will install a control chip next time."

"Miranda …"

"Just take a breath. Slow things down," Miranda said.

Shepard followed Miranda's eyes to the heart rate monitor by her bed. A hospital bed? Damnit, not again. She'd spent more time in a hospital bed in the last year and half than she had in a real one.

"What happened?" she asked.

Liara glanced at Miranda. Miranda just sighed.

"Let's get situated first, Shepard."

"Consider me 'situated.'"

"You don't look situated," Miranda said.

"What the hell do I need to do to look situated?"

The heart rate monitor beeped. Miranda reached over and silenced it.

"You're getting worked up."

"You wake up from a coma. See if you don't get worked up."

Miranda chuckled and shook her head. "I'll sedate you. Put you right back in that coma."

Liara put a hand on Miranda's arm. "This is only aggravating her further."

"Thanks, Liara. A voice of reason." Shepard's voice sounded thin and weak.

"Shepard will feel better when she gets answers," Liara said.

"Liara …" Shepard gave a small smile. "See, Miranda. Now that's a friend."

"Saving your life three times counts for nothing?"

Shepard glanced back and forth between them. Finally, she let her body uncoil and sink into the bed's cushion.

"Come on, guys," Shepard repeated.

"Fine." Miranda pointed at Liara. "If her heart rate gets over," she thought for a moment, "170, I'm coming back with a needle."

Shepard eyed the monitor - 128. She had some wiggle room for getting worked up. If need be. Miranda shifted out of sight, and Shepard sat up cautiously. No one tried to shove her back down. Miranda stood over at a terminal against the wall.

"Shepard, how do you feel?" Liara wrinkled her forehead as her eyes searching Shepard's face. "Is your head painful?"

"I have pain medicine," Miranda said looking up from the monitor.

"Keep your needle away from me, Miranda," Shepard said.

Miranda raised an eyebrow. "You had pain meds two hours ago. Give it another two hours, you might be changing your tune."

"I won't discount that possibility. Now, Liara," Shepard focused on her, "what happened?"

"You don't remember what happened?"

"I … do," Shepard said slowly, "but what happened? All of it. Where's James? Joker? Cortez was shot. Adams."

Miranda tsked her tongue, hands on her hips, and nodded at the monitor. The monitor read 151. Shepard took a deep breath.

"Shepard, there are Alliance detectives that want to talk to you and Spectre Taccus. I think you need to get answers from them first."

"Detectives?"

"Not here now, of course, but when you're ready to see them, they want to talk to you about what happened."

"They're not coming in right now," Miranda said and looked over at them. "Talk about … I don't know. Something soothing."

"James, Joker, Adams, Cortez - they're all okay, Shepard."

Shepard swallowed. "Dr. Chakwas—no, nevermind. I know."

"I'm sorry."

"Briggs, Jensen, Stofsky …"

"Here's a list."

Liara picked a datapad up from the chair by her bed. Liara pulled up a screen and held it out. Shepard snatched it. She skimmed through the list. So many dead. She pressed fingers to her temple and closed her eyes. Damnit.

"Cortez was shot," Shepard said lowering the datapad to her lap.

"He's okay, Shepard."

"Where are they?"

"They either went back or are going back. Cortez and Adams were finally discharged. They're leaving soon. Today."

"Today?"

Liara nodded.

"They're leaving? What about me?" Shepard asked.

Miranda peered over the monitor at her. "Don't make me laugh."

"I'm feeling much better, Miranda."

"Better than what? You don't even remember. You were in a coma."

"I'd say that's the biggest step. Coma, not in a coma."

Miranda shook her head with a sigh. "Give it those two hours, then we'll see."

Shepard stared around the room for the first time. The walls and low ceiling felt so gray, cold, outdated.

"They're going back?" Shepard said. "Where am I?'

"Hospital ward on Gagarin Station," Liara said.

"Gagarin?" Shepard frowned. "Jump Zero. Wait … Kaidan. Was Kaidan here?"

Liara glanced at Miranda. "Yes, Kaidan was here."

"Then, where is he?"

"Uh … Shepard," Liara turned back to her. "He's leaving with Cortez, Adams, and some of the others. Returning to Earth."

"Leaving," Shepard said. "Not left?"

"True."

"Well, then where the hell is he? Had to preboard to get the good spot by the window?"

Miranda chuckled softly and smiled into her terminal as she worked. Liara glared sideways at her.

"No," Liara said. "We really were told you need to speak to detectives and the Spectre before anyone can talk to you."

"Am I hallucinating this then? Cause it feels like I'm talk to you and Miranda."

"We're not Alliance or associated with the Council."

"Ah." Shepard sat up straighter and felt around the side of her bed for a button or lever.

"Shepard, be careful." Liara hovered over her.

"We can raise this?"

"Stop that." Miranda charged over. "Just stop. I'll do it."

Shepard turned to Liara. "Get me a comm."

"Shepard!" Miranda growled.

Liara paused looking to Miranda.

"My heart rate is …" Shepard turned, "140, Miranda. A deal's, a deal."

"We didn't make a deal," Miranda pushed in a button on the side of the hospital bed. The head of the bed raised.

"Miranda, please," Shepard said more softly.

"Fine."

Liara nodded slowly and rushed to pull over the terminal Miranda had been using.

"Spectre Taccus, you say?" Shepard smoothed down the front of her hospital gown. She rested her back into a pillow and waited for Liara with the comm.

XXX

"Kaidan." Shepard smiled.

He shifted on his feet in the hospital doorway. Liara ushered him the rest of the way inside. He took a couple of halting steps then stopped in place carrying a bag over his shoulder.

"Hi, Shepard," he said lightly and glanced around the room.

Shepard crooked her finger at him. "Come over here."

"Look, Shepard …"

Shepard motioned to the terminal screen on the trolley tablet at the foot of her bed.

"I know the rules - our minder, see."

Kaidan took a hesitant step forward to see the screen and gaped.

Taccus sighed. "Go ahead. I have nothing better to do."

Kaidan frowned and glanced at her out of the corner of his eye before focusing back on Taccus.

"Taccus …"

"Alenko. You stick to the agreement, I'll stick to the agreement. I agreed to a supervised visit. So, go. Just … let's not take forever."

Kaidan stood there woodenly watching Taccus. Shepard sighed. Slowly, Kaidan turned around dropping his bag and came over to her. He threw another look over his shoulder at Taccus's imagine on the monitor. He turned back to Shepard frowning.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"I'll be all right."

Kaidan glanced back the monitor again. Shepard snapped her fingers.

"Kaidan, hey. Stop throwing him looks and talk to me. I wanted to see you."

"Sorry, Shepard. It's just … never mind. How are you?"

"I'm all right. I already answered this."

"I'm sorry." He sighed and touched his forehead.

"What's going on, Kaidan?" Shepard murmured. Taccus stared lazily to the side. He didn't seem like he was straining to listen. Shepard turned her eyes back to Kaidan and frowned. "You're acting like you're the one coming out of a coma."

"Sorry."

"Sorry, sorry, sorry. I get it. Come on." She reached toward him. He came closer, and she clasped his forearm and jiggled it. "What's going on?"

"Shepard, you were … I—" His eyes flickered to the side. "Never mind." He gave her a half smile and sighed. His eyes scanned her face, smile widening. "It's really good to see you."

Her heart monitor beeped. Miranda and Liara were in the corner talking not paying attention. Heart rate 160 but going back down. She was pumped up on IV fluids. Miranda was just setting her up for failure hanging that liter.

"Are you really doing okay?" he asked.

She frowned. "I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it."

"Really?" He cocked his head.

"Really," Shepard said. "If I didn't feel all right, I would hedge it. Say something like 'I've been worse.'"

"Unless you haven't been worse."

"I've been dead. There's always going to a 'been worse.'"

He nodded and gave a light smile. "Okay. Long as death is your reference for 'been worse' and not my cooking."

"If that kills me one day, it will be."

"One day?" Kaidan folded his arms. "You're going to let me cook for you again one day?"

"Sure. Why not?" Shepard said. "I ate some of James's half-recalled, alcohol-fueled family recipes aboard the Normandy. My standards aren't high."

Kaidan shrugged gently. "I don't know. Seemed pretty high at the time, I recall."

"You said you like a challenge."

"I do."

He leaned against the bed and looked at her. Dark smudges crested under his eyes and there was a red, scuffed texture to his face.

"You scared me, Shepard," he said quietly.

Shepard shrugged and forced a smile. "Comes with the job."

"I heard C-Sec has some fancy dictation jobs open where you get your own cubicle."

Shepard's cheeks indented into the smile. She interlaced her fingers on her lap.

"That so?"

"Probably let you have a fish bowl."

"That is tempting," Shepard said. "Probably safer, though I really think you're underestimating the risks of carpal tunnel."

"Right …" He grinned softly and shook his head with a wistful sigh. "If I have to visit one more friend in the hospital with carpal tunnel …"

Shepard pursed her lips. Smart ass.

"All these friends you visit for carpal tunnel," Shepard said, "You forget to bring them balloons and a teddy bear too?"

"Couldn't find the Jump Zero giftshop," he said. "You wouldn't want that stuff anyway, and hospital policy's pretty firm against bow-wrapped pistols."

"What does the policy say about bow-wrapped shotguns?"

"You know," Kaidan tipped his head as if considering, "the policy specifically said 'bow-wrapped pistols.' So, I'm thinking, a bow-wrapped shotgun must be okay."

Shepard grinned at him, a warmth in her chest. Her eyes moved to his hand tucked under the fold of his arms. It would feel good to pull his arm away and latch onto his hand, just hold it. Taccus's image on the holoscreen moved slightly as he readjusted in his chair staring down at a datapad. Her fingertips pressed into the back her hands as her eye drifted back to his hand. It would only confuse him though. She interlocked her fingers tighter. She didn't need skin contact like a newborn.

Her eyes shifted to his chest, and she frowned. "Where's your uniform?"

He glanced down. "I'm here as a civilian."

"Just a detour to check on me?"

"Yeah … but, also … hmm." He rubbed a hand roughly over his chin then looked back at her. He dropped his arm. "I'm suspended."

"Suspended?" Shepard's eyes flew wide, and she pushed up straighter in her bed.

Kaidan put a hand out to calm her. "No, it's all right."

"All right? Damnit, Kaidan. Suspended? You're serious?"

Kaidan's face hardened, and he nodded. "Yeah."

"How's that all right?"

Kaidan gave a limp shrug and shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe it's not, and I just want it to be."

"Suspended?" Shepard repeated.

Kaidan focused on the floor. His frown deepening as he absently rubbed an arm. Now she'd done it.

"I'm sure it will get straightened out," Shepard rushed to say. "What happened?"

He shook his head and didn't speak for a moment, eyes still on the floor.

"I did something stupid." His voice came out low, and Shepard sat forward to hear him. "I don't know. I confronted Admiral Wilson. I didn't think it through enough. I approached it … wrong."

"It's over insubordination?"

"Yes," he said weakly and spared an upward glance at her.

"Damn. I never would have—it will get straightened out," Shepard said firmly. "That's not you. You're not insubordinate."

"I don't know. In the context they want to see it in, I was. But I …" He swallowed. "It doesn't matter."

It did matter, but she wasn't going to point it out. He was probably well aware of that without her voicing it. He was all cast down now. She shouldn't have acted so shocked, but she'd been shocked.

"Kaidan. Anyone who knows you, knows you're not that." He met her eye. "The Alliance brass aren't like before. Many of them aren't professional military men hardened by experience in the field. They didn't rise in rank through an exemplary service record and recommendations of respected men."

"Some of them did. Flight Admiral Dumas served in Parliament before the invasion."

"And sat on his ass during the war. Maybe not his choice, I'll give him that much. Still, don't take what they're saying to heart, okay? And don't double guess yourself. It'll get straightened out."

He exhaled sharply, then nodded. "Okay."

Shepard's fingers picked at the edge of her coarse blanket.

"Kaidan," she said. "I have to know though. Did this thing with Admiral Wilson, did it have to do with me?"

"It had to do with the Normandy and the crew and … you. It wasn't because of you though."

Shepard's face pinched. Her fingers curled up a fistful of the blanket. Her fingernails dug through the material into her palm. Kaidan glanced at her monitor by the head of her bed. He leaned forward and touched her shoulder.

"It's not your fault, Shepard."

Shepard gave a tight smile and slowed her breathing. "If you say so."

"I mean it. It didn't—"

"Okay. I believe you." She looked away.

"Shepard …"

She didn't look at him. When she'd met him, he'd been a marine for years - decorated, skilled, competent, tactful, brimming with desire to help and do good, full of aspirations and goals. Since then he'd actualized into so much more, and it had been noticed. She'd worried the Alliance because of her, would derail him. But maybe the Alliance was never the real threat when it came to her, it was himself.

On Horizon, he told her he would always be an Alliance soldier, and he knew where his priorities lay. Maybe he was losing his way, but she wouldn't let him lose what was important. In the end, there are no guarantees, feelings come and go, life brings you close and draws you away, everything fades and gets forgotten under layers of passing time. But living with yourself, your identity, what you've done, what you can do - that was always there, long as you kept sight of your priorities. It was good she'd held off reaching for his hand.

He stood away from the bed and smiled wanly. "I better go. I have a ride to catch."

"With Adams and Cortez?"

He nodded.

"Say something to them for me," she said.

"Something?" he said. "That's a lot of leeway."

"Eh." Shepard tried to smile. "I trust you."

He gave her a halfhearted smile, but as he watched her the smile stretched wider, even touching his eyes.

"I'm really glad you're okay, Shepard."

"Thanks," she said. "I'll see you planetside."

He nodded and backed away. He picked his bag off the floor and turned to the terminal screen.

"Thanks, Taccus."

Taccus looked up from his datapad and blinked. "Oh. Right. Are we done?"

"Yes." Kaidan said slinging the bag over his shoulder.

Liara and Miranda stirred in the corner. Kaidan paused in the doorway and gave Shepard a nod before slipping away. Shepard leaned back into her pillow. Somehow it felt like losing him all over again.