A/N: These flashbacks are not happy. :(

Chapter song: Both Sides, Now - Joni Mitchell

Disclaimer: Not my characters!

Part VI – Both Sides Now

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

Toni sipped her coffee as she watched Veronica demurely dodge New York City traffic. She reached the newsstand across the street and waved today's edition of the New York Times in triumph. Toni flashed her a smile from their outdoor table at the restaurant before she returned to her breakfast.

Veronica had insisted on taking her out so that they could read the first reviews of her exhibit together.

The dark-haired woman returned to their table, just a tad out of breath, and Toni continued to occupy herself with the food in front of her as Veronica rifled through the paper.

"So," she spoke tentatively, "what's the verdict?"

Veronica shook out the paper with a flourish before she directly quoted from the review. "July is a painfully beautiful walk through the story of two contrasting relationships, one at its end and the other at its beginning." She cleared her throat and gingerly laid the newspaper on the table. "You should read the rest of it. It's a rave."

Toni just nodded as she sipped from her cup of coffee. "I don't know if I can sell them," she confessed.

Veronica nodded understandingly. "Maybe we can try selling to a private collection, as a set?"

"Maybe," the Serpent muttered. She looked down the street thoughtfully before she reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out a lighter and a cigarette. "You know," she began after she lit up, "I can still hear her voice as if she was sitting right next to me."

Veronica just looked at her, that sympathetic expression that she had grown used to seeing as she grew more comfortable talking about Cheryl. People often didn't know what to say when they wore that expression.

Toni reached into her pocket again, this time to pull out Cheryl's cellphone. She laid the phone on the table and pushed it towards Veronica with the tip of her index finger. "I can't unlock it," she sighed. "And I feel like I've tried everything."

Veronica furrowed her brow before she said something that felt an awful lot like the elephant in the room. "Cheryl could be secretive."

Toni had never wanted to admit it, but it was true.

"What was it like? Growing up Blossom?"

She had meant for the question to be a lighthearted one, but the way that the expression on Cheryl's face transformed told her that it was anything but.

"I don't want to complain," she said as she looked up at the ceiling. "I grew up on an estate. I went to one of the best boarding schools in the country. I turned out okay."

Toni looked at her in concern as she shifted closer to her girlfriend on the bed. That kind of flippant statement caused her great unease. She knew that Cheryl was broken; God, she could see it in her eyes, but she hadn't uncovered the source of her hurt yet.

"That's something people say when they've been through a lot of shit," she muttered.

The redhead turned to her and offered a weak smile. "Yeah," she sighed. "My parents," she started after a pause, "aren't the warm and fuzzy types. My brother and I weren't always on their list of priorities."

"Then what was?" Toni questioned softly.

Cheryl raised her hand so that she could absentmindedly pick at her long nails. "Bloodlines and bank accounts. Jason and I are reflections."

The dark-haired girl leaned in to place a kiss on a pale cheek. Cheryl didn't speak of her parents very often, only in snippets, but it had always been enough for her to piece together that a great relationship did not exist between them, and whether Cheryl admitted it or not, it weighed on her.

"I'll always be here for you."

Cheryl's smile broadened and she reached out to grab Toni's hand. "I love you, TT."

Toni knew that she had never smiled so widely in her entire life.

It was the first time that either of them had said those words out loud.

So it was easy for Toni to forget that Cheryl hadn't really answered her question.

Toni took a deep breath before she walked into the beautiful head office of Blossom Maple Farms. It was not comparable to the feeling that she had gotten when she had walked into their old apartment, but there was something in the air that was distinctly Cheryl.

Maybe it was the red furniture. Maybe it was the hint of the smell of maple syrup that seemed to attach itself to anything associated with the Blossom family. Maybe it was the sign behind the front desk that proudly displayed the company slogan – "Have Some Syrup with that, Ma'am!" Maybe it was remembering all of the times that she had popped into this office just to bring her wife lunch and a kiss.

"Miss Topaz!" The girl sitting at the front desk exclaimed in shock.

"Hey Angela," she responded with decidedly less enthusiasm. "I'm here to see Jason."

The frazzled receptionist nodded repeatedly. "He doesn't have any meetings until after lunch. You can go right in… you're-you're on the list to go right in… you can always just…"

"Go right in? I got it."

Angela nodded, "Yes." She paused before she added, "I'm so sorry. We really miss her around here."

Toni was surprised by the sincere smile she offered in return. "Thank you."

She walked past the reception area, the big conference room, and a few of the smaller offices, until she reached what she had always referred to as the swanky offices – the ones of the CEO and COO. Jason and Cheryl, respectively.

At first it had all been mildly intimidating, to realize that she was dating an heiress to a multi-million dollar company, and one that had every intention of taking over the global family business. She had met Cheryl towards the end of her undergrad, when she had already started training to take over the position of Chief Operating Officer in the very near future. With a determination to do it better than anyone else ever had.

It had been intimidating at first, and then a complete and total turn on. Toni had always found intelligence, drive, and ambition incredibly sexy.

She stood in front of the large oak doors to Jason's office and knocked once, firm and steady. She heard a muffled voice and she took that as permission to enter. Jason, from behind his desk, only glanced up at her when he heard the sound of the door closing behind her. He looked even more startled than Angela, if that was possible.

"Toni," he said as he slowly got to his feet.

She decided to bypass all the awkward small talk and get right to the point. "Maybe you're right."

He tilted his head in confusion.

"Maybe I didn't know her as well as you did."

He pursed his lips, but he didn't disagree. "It was different with us, you know that. All we had was—"

"Each other," she filled in. "Yeah, I know."

Toni had resented it a little at first, the amount of time that Cheryl spent with the Jason and the fondness in her voice when she spoke of him. But then she got it – the love that they didn't get from their parents, they found in each other. It was an unbreakable bond, and one that was entirely separate from their relationship. Toni was sure that she still didn't fully understand it.

Toni stared at her hands as she spoke, not able to look him in the eye. "We both have this big void because we lost this irreplaceable person, and I dunno," she shrugged, "I just, I wanna talk to you about her."

Jason was silent for what felt like an inexplicable amount of time. She could hear him sigh, and shuffle papers, and then sit back down in his chair. "Cheryl and I grew up on twin mythology," he finally spoke. "Apollo and Artemis, the sun and the moon, but all that I can think about is Castor and Pollux."

Toni lifted in her head in interest.

"When Castor dies," he continued, "Pollux gives up half of his immortality so that he can be with his brother."

She frowned when she could hear, and feel, the emotion in his voice.

"I have a wife, and I have children. I have people who need me and yet I've never felt so alone."

Toni's expression softened as she watched the male Blossom dissolve into tears. Ever since they had lost Cheryl, she and Jason had been locked in this silent, ridiculous battle over who was hurting more, who was missing her more. It was selfish and foolish.

"You're not alone," she finally rasped.

He frantically wiped his eyes. "It was never supposed to happen like this," he continued.

"No," she agreed, "we deserved more time."

Jason eventually gestured towards the seat in front of the desk and Toni slowly moved to sit down. As expected, Cheryl was all over this office as well. There was the drawing that she had done when they were four, the one he had mentioned at their old apartment. There were half a dozen framed photographs on the bookcase behind him. Blossom family photos and ones of just the two of them at several different ages. There was a frame on his desk that she grabbed to look at just a little closer – a picture of the twins on their 23rd birthday.

Toni remembered that blue dress. She remembered that night very clearly.

Cheryl's voice followed her as she walked through the door of their apartment.

"You haven't spoken since we got in the car. What's wrong?"

Toni bristled, and she felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, as she moved further into the apartment. She was not speaking for a reason. She was not speaking because she was afraid of what she might say. Her temper ran fast and hot, just like Cheryl's. They both had wild tempers; it was the reason that they rarely fought.

"Baby," Cheryl cooed, "talk to me."

Toni took a deep breath in through her nose before she slowly turned to face her wife. Cheryl looked gorgeous, of course she always did, but there was something about her elegant, royal blue dress and perfectly curled hair, a family heirloom hanging around her neck, that made her look flawlessly stunning. And, in this case, it further fueled her temper.

Because right now Cheryl looked like money, and Toni had never known how to act around money. Something she never seemed quite able to forget.

"Why do you keep introducing me as a photographer?" She finally asked in exasperation.

Cheryl stared at her in confusion. "Because you are."

The brunette rolled her eyes. "I tend bar, Cher. I've sold a handful of photographs."

"So," Cheryl argued with a smile still on her face. "That doesn't change the fact that you're uber talented. The great success will come."

Toni gritted her teeth. She just wanted to hear the real reason why Cheryl did little things like that – called her a photographer, not a bartender. Always insisted on buying her new outfits for these events. Tried to stick by her side at all costs when they were out and there were other Blossoms around. She needed to hear it out loud.

Cheryl sighed at Toni's silence and eventually said, "You know how our family friends are. In my world sometimes it's easier to tell people what they want to hear."

"And there it is," Toni replied somewhat triumphantly. But her voice also held an air of defeat. "Your world. It doesn't matter how long we've been together," she said with a shake of her head, "it will always be your world and I'll always be on the outside."

"Toni," the redhead exhaled.

She stopped the argument with a wave of her hand. "I'm not mad at you, Cheryl. I just need some space right now."

She just needed some time and space to brood. Jughead always preached about being an outsider in this world, no matter how nice and welcoming everyone seemed. She tried to argue with him, but he was right. It would never be their world. She would always be the girl from the wrong side of the tracks, figuratively and literally, and being in love didn't change that.

"What are you thinking about?" Jason asked to interrupt her thoughts.

Toni laid the photo back on his desk before she answered. "We were so different, and I just ignored it because I loved her so much, but now I can't help but wonder what didn't I know about her?"

The fact that she couldn't unlock her wife's cellphone was really getting to her.

Jason reached into one of the top drawers of his desk and pulled out a tennis ball. "Come on," he said as he stood up. "Let's go to the roof."

Toni looked up at him, entirely puzzled. "What?"

"It's something Cher and I used to do." He walked towards the door with a tilt of his handsome head. "Come on," he repeated with a boyish grin.

She followed him without any further argument. They walked to the stairwell at the end of the hallway and all the way up until they reached the exit for the roof. They walked to the edge of the structure until they could see the hustle and bustle of New York City traffic below. Toni pulled her Serpent jacket tighter as a cold wind whipped through the air, and Jason seemed completely unfazed. He simply began to rhythmically bounce the tennis ball against the concrete.

"So why did you come up here?"

He turned to her with a small smile. "Whenever Cheryl and I had a decision to make, or something that we couldn't agree on, we would come up here and bounce this tennis ball back and forth. If you didn't have an idea then you couldn't pass the ball, whoever got caught holding lost."

Toni scoffed, "Leave it to two Blossoms to turn everything into a competition."

Jason chuckled, "It's how we did our best thinking." He mindlessly bounced the ball as he muttered, "She was so much better at this than me."

"Well, she had a MBA from Columbia," Toni smirked.

"And I have a Philosophy degree," he finished.

"Yeah," the brunette laughed, "you're lucky one of you got the brains for business."

Jason laughed as well. "We didn't just talk about business up here, you know?"

Toni leaned against the edge of the roof in intrigue. "You talked about me?"

"Of course," he answered immediately.

"And she may have not told you everything," he continued seriously, "but you knew her. Don't doubt that. Blossoms keep secrets. It has nothing to do with you."

Toni sighed and scuffed her boot on the ground. Somehow, that didn't make her feel any better.

They talked for a little while longer before Toni finally turned to leave. It was getting cold and she had places to be. She had reached the exit door when she heard him call her name.

"Yeah?" She asked as she spun on her heel to face him.

"Are you ever going to give me that shirt back?"

She glanced down to see that she was wearing the Columbia t-shirt again. "No," she replied with a smirk.

And she was happy to see that Jason grinned back.

Toni left Jason and headed straight for the grief group meeting. Jason claimed that he had too much work to do to attend today, but perhaps he was granting her a reprieve and a bit of time to think.

However, as soon as she walked into the school gym she spotted someone else that she knew.

Reggie Mantle. Riverdale born and bred, but a guy that she hadn't spoken to in years. He was one of Archie's friends, a fellow Bulldog, so she only knew him by association. When it was his turn to share, he spoke of his father who had recently passed away.

"He was an asshole, but he was still my dad, ya know?"

She related to that a lot more than he knew.

Still, when she got up during the break to get her shitty cup of coffee, she was surprised that he approached her.

"Hey Toni," he greeted with his goofy smile.

"Hey," she replied dully.

He shook a sugar packet as he awkwardly shifted his feet. "Really sorry about Cheryl. I was floored when I heard."

She nodded and muttered a thank you. She appreciated that he was confronting the issue right away and not dancing around it like everyone else, she just didn't have the energy to maintain small talk. "And I'm sorry about your dad," she returned.

She wanted the conversation to end there and yet, somehow, he got the idea that she wanted to continue.

"I just can't imagine how you feel. My dad, it was sudden, but ya know, not the same thing," he stumbled, "and you two, well, you were the perfect couple."

Reggie continued to yammer on and Toni blocked it all out. She was too focused on the word perfect.

Perfect.

Cheryl absolutely abhorred that word and Toni finally understood why. Just as she was beginning to think that she didn't even know her wife at all – couldn't even figure out the password to her fucking cellphone – perfect was the very last word that she wanted to hear.

"Nothing's perfect," she muttered before she unceremoniously tossed her coffee in the trash and left the gymnasium.

Cheryl awoke with a shriek and Toni, who sat reading in the chair by the window, turned to her in concern. "Cher, are you okay?" She asked softly.

She slowly sat up in the bed and ran both of her hands through her long auburn hair. "Yeah," she answered after a long, deep breath. "I'm okay. It was just a nightmare."

Toni played with the edge of the book in her lap as she fought the furrow of her brow. "You have nightmares a lot," she pointed out quietly. It was the most significant thing that she had noticed since they had moved in together.

Cheryl nodded in agreement. "I've had nightmares my whole life."

The smaller girl slowly closed her book and made her way over to the bed. She sat next to Cheryl and brushed away some wayward strands of hair. "What are they about?" She was questioning to comfort, but she was also curious.

The redhead dodged the question when she tossed the bedcovers aside and climbed out of the bed. "I need a glass of water."

Toni suppressed a sigh. "Cheryl." She called her name as she followed her into the kitchen. "You can tell me."

"I know," she answered quickly. "I just can't right now."

"Do you think you'll ever?" She asked fearfully.

Cheryl turned around to face her after she poured herself a glass of water. When she spoke, Toni knew that she was telling the truth. "I want to."

They stood in the kitchen and just stared at each other until Cheryl made a move to return to the bedroom. Along the way, she placed a kiss to the top of her head and whispered, "I love you."

Toni was not surprised when she was unable to sleep that night.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Perfect.

It was incredibly odd to her to have revelations about her marriage now that it didn't exist.

Cheryl kept secrets. Cheryl kept her away from every member of her family that wasn't Jason. Cheryl hated answering direct questions that held unpleasant answers. Cheryl had a past that she didn't like to talk about.

She agonized over all these things as she smoked on her front step.

Sunnyside Trailer Park was quiet and dark, and the figure of Jason Blossom was entirely out of place. He had been the first call when she had gotten desperate for human contact because she knew that he wouldn't ask why. He would understand.

And he didn't want to be alone either.

He found the space to sit beside her on the rickety structure, and he gladly accepted the cigarette that she offered. Even though he knew the answer, he asked, "Can't sleep?"

She took a deep drag from the cigarette between her fingers and shook her head. "Not that I've been getting a lot of sleep anyway."

After a pause he said, "After you left today, I started to think about the first time she told me she knew she wanted to be with you forever."

Toni turned towards him so fast that she almost fell off the steps and onto the ground. "She what?" She asked breathlessly.

Jason smiled at her, knowing that she needed to hear something like that. "It was when you found her in the hospital, when our Nana was sick."

The brunette nodded slowly. "I remember. That was…"

"Ten days after you met," Jason finished, still wearing a smile. "Yeah."

Toni stared at him in shock. Cheryl had never told her that.

"She said she had never met anyone that saw right through her walls like you. She liked it. Shockingly. She loved that she didn't have to act around you."

Toni flicked the butt of her cigarette to the ground and hid her wide smile in her hand. She knew what the password to Cheryl's phone was now.

A/N: The next chapter will be entirely from Cheryl's perspective.