Chapter 39

Kaidan wasn't in his room. The Summit was still hours away. He probably wouldn't have appreciated his sleep getting cut short. She should really be focusing on the Summit, anyway.

She slowed in the hallway. Her reflection looked back at her in the dark window. The Council and Alliance believed the Summit attack threat to be adverted, Terra Firma's leaders and the Scorpion removed. But something didn't feel right. She'd rationalized away her gut feeling on the Normandy with Commander Anchor and the station crew. She needed to trust herself.

The missing nuclear warhead is what bothered her. Kaidan was right. If they used it, they'd kill their members for kilometers around. It wasn't mentioned in the plans on that datachip, but her gut told her they had it. Questions rolled around her head. They'd killed everyone they could have questioned, except … Shepard stopped in place. Except for that boy.

XXX

Shepard flashed her Spectre ID and gave her passcode at the door to the detention cells. The C-Sec officer stepped aside and let her pass. Holding cells lined a shadowy hallway. Night time lighting gave everything an eerie, greenish tint as Shepard walked down the block. Spectre Taccus stood at the end of the cell block beside a solid metal door.

"Spectre Taccus," Shepard greeted from down the aisle.

Taccus looked up from a datapad. "Spectre Shepard. A surprise."

Shepard paused at a plexiglass cell along the row. A head of unruly brown hair poked out from the blankets. He was the only prisoner in the holding cells. Shepard continued down the aisle to Taccus.

"How is it?" Shepard asked.

Taccus glanced around them.

"Quiet. None of the C-Sec officers seem aware," he said in a low voice.

Shepard nodded to the metal door. "You spoken with him?"

"No one can speak with him." Taccus eyed her and tucked the datapad under her arm. Apparently, he was making ready if she wanted to dispute it.

"I didn't come to see him," Shepard said. "I came for the boy."

"The boy?"

Shepard pointed down the aisle.

"Ah," Taccus said. "The other detainee. Won't talk. Pretty beaten up. Medic's been in more than once. He's sleeping now, I think."

"I'm hoping he has some answers for me."

"Good luck. Alenko's already been here. Twice. From what I saw, didn't look like he was getting anything."

"Did the boy talk?"

"Not that I heard from here."

"Hmm." Shepard frowned down the aisle.

Taccus checked his Omni-Tool and sighed. "This is a long night. Guard duty. Life of the Spectre. Not so glamorous, is it?"

"Couldn't agree more."

"You're getting the Council's Laurel of Apotheosis for the crucible. Good work there, Spectre."

"Uh … thanks." Shepard's mouth tightened into a line. She glanced at the metal door again. "Any word yet? Found anything?"

"They're going through his files. Turned over his council offices. Haven't found anything, that I know of anyway."

"Who's heading it?"

"Ursul," Taccus said. "If I hear anything, I'll let you know."

"That's very cooperative of you."

"That's what Spectres should do. From what I know of you, Spectre Shepard, I hope you'd do the same. I won't let a bad experience with one human Spectre taint my opinion on all."

"Well, don't let it taint your opinion of him either. He's one of the most ethical people I know, and he's a damn fine soldier. Give him another chance. He won't let you down."

Taccus shrugged. "Perhaps. But we're square. I don't think I'll get much opportunity to let him prove himself, anyway. From what I hear, the Alliance is sending him to the Terminus System. Be years until I need to see him again."

"Terminus System?" Shepard's forehead scrunched.

"Repair the relay and comm buoy's. Take back Orian Station. Keep the Attican Transverse and Council Space from being scavenged by those lunatic in the Terminus System. He's taking a team of biotics. Directing the whole enterprise, I hear."

"He's a Spectre." Shepard shifted on her feet with a frown. "The Alliance can't send him away like that."

"The Council has interests near the Terminus System. I assume there will be a quantum communicator to get direction from the Council and Alliance. Probably more he can do there than elsewhere."

Heat perfused Shepard's face.

"Don't you and Alenko work together quite a bit?" Taccus said. "If he hasn't said anything, maybe I shouldn't have spoken."

"Where did you hear this?" Shepard said.

"It's going around the Alliance. Alenko said something about it when we spoke a few hours ago." Taccus eyed her. "Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, though."

"It's fine." Shepard spun away. "I'm going to talk to the boy."

Fingernails dug into her palms as her hands curled into fists at her side. She could feel Taccus's eyes on her back as she marched down the aisle to the boy's cell. She smacked a palm on the plexiglass. The head on the pillow jolted, but he didn't get up. She hit the glass again. The boy raised his hand. One finger.

"Hey," she said. "You talk, and we can work something out."

Nothing. Her eyes strayed to the cell's door. Storming into the cell and rattling him around was tempting, but it probably wouldn't produce much.

"You care about your family?" she asked.

No response.

"Tell me about the Scorpion."

He ignored her.

"The nuclear bomb."

He glanced up at her from his pillow, then he buried his head back down. Shepard leaned her face close to the glass.

"That interest you?" No answer. Shepard sighed and pushed back from the glass. "A nuclear warhead will kill everyone. The entire city. Even beyond. If you have family here …"

"They ain't nuclear," the boy murmured.

"What?" Shepard tapped the glass.

The boy sprang up. His face made Shepard's eyes widen. Dark bruises covered his entire face. One eye swelled shut. Medigel could only help so much. But he was alive, more than could be said for anyone else they'd run into.

"They ain't nuclear," the boy repeated.

"Not the ones on the train, no. But there's one missing. The nuclear warhead. Where is it?"

"There ain't a nuke," the boy said with clenched teeth. "The bombs only take down the target spots. That's it. I'm done talking."

"Saving the nuke for a rainy day then?"

He glared at her in silence. True to his word then. At least, so far.

"The nuke was lifted from the Shields right along with those two regular warheads. If you had two, you had three. Where is it?"

The boy scooted his back against the wall and stared at her blankly.

"Okay," Shepard sighed. "What about the Scorpion? I don't think your friends knew his real plan for the Summit meeting. Any reason he'd want your people dead? Any reason to turn against Terra Firma?"

The boy shrugged. It was some communication at least.

"Think the Scorpion knew your leaders were planning something for him?"

The boy frowned, but said nothing.

"Know anything about blue quartz? Some flooring?"

Blank stare.

"Fine." Shepard turned away. "You decide you don't want to die in a nuclear blast later today, ask for me. Shepard."

The boy sat forward. "Shepard?"

Shepard stopped. "Yes. That mean something to you?"

The boy settled back against the wall and crossed his arms. "Go to hell."

"Oh, a fan."

"Damn you to hell!"

He sucked up a wad of spit and spit it at the glass. Shepard grinned watching the spit run down the inside of the glass.

"I know birds don't see glass. And even though you're Terra Firma, I still though you were smarter than that."

The boy sprang from the bed and tore over to the plexiglass. Shepard stood taller and narrowed her eyes at him.

"Go ahead," Shepard said. "Knock yourself out. Take a swing at me. I even promise not to duck."

His bared his teeth. "Everything's hell, and you're the reason."

"Reason you're alive, you mean? Yeah, I guess I am."

"Not alive! Stuck with all the damned aliens using up every last thing we got left. Telling us what to do. Us bending over for them. Taking it up the ass."

"Colorful." Shepard tilted her head. "Now, where's the nuke?"

"There ain't any nuke!"

"That what your Terra Firma leaders say? What were they planning for the Scorpion?"

"The Scorpion's got the sky. We're taking Earth."

Shepard smiled brightly. "Really? Do go on."

The boy's eyes thinned.

"No, really. Continue. Your leaders worried the Scorpion will come back? That why you need to take him out."

She waited. Nothing.

"Your Scorpion was pretty sharp. Maybe he knew your guys were sticking it to him. Maybe he knew about that nuke too."

He crossed his arms and glared at her.

"No more poetic imagery?" Shepard asked. "I'll take more. Just answer my questions. What's the point in holding out? We have your plans on a datachip. We have your leaders."

"You got it all figured out. Why talk to me?"

"Because we're missing a nuke. And, if your people could count, you'd realize that too."

No response.

"Fine." Shepard stepped back. "If the Scorpion's still around, let him blow you, us, your friends, all of it to hell. One big party. Surprise party for your Terra Firma friends in town."

"Go to hell."

"You're getting stale." Shepard walked away. "I'll see you there. Scorpion's hosting."

"No one screws with the Scorpion!"

Shepard turned down the hall and held up her hand. One finger. Right back at you, kid.

XXX

Shepard lingered in the hallway outside the detention area. The boy was too low in the hierarchy to know anything anyway. He had confirmed that Terra Firma hated her. Anchor's offer to spare her during the Normandy attack, seemingly at the direction of the Scorpion, only pointed to desperate agendas. Despite the damn kid, Terra Firma wasn't going to win. That wasn't the heaviness that weighted in her chest.

She drifted to the hallway's glass wall. Stars glimmered in the darkness. So far away. A chill crept across her skin, and she drew in a deep breath. Time was slipping by, and she needed to focus on the real problems. The important problems. Screw the Terminus System.

She plunged down the hall. She needed somewhere to think, shake this feeling, clear her head. Her feet knew where she was going before her head did, before her heart did. An Alliance soldier stood guard outside the docking bay doors.

"Ma'am, excuse me," he said turning to meet her.

There was something vaguely familiar to his toad-like face. Short for a man.

"I'm the captain. Move."

"No, I'm sorry. Orders."

"Move aside. I'm a Council Spectre."

She shoved around him to the door, but the button was red and locked. Shepard moved to the side terminal.

"Let me in," she glanced over at him, "or I'll override it."

The man glared and clicked up a screen on his Omni-Tool. "I'm calling Alliance security. The dry dock is sealed by the Admiral Board."

"It's my damn ship."

"Sorry. No entrance. It's still an investigative crime scene. Only a flight admiral or Spectres Viccus or Ursul can – wait! Where are you going?"

Shepard stormed past and swung around the hallway corner. She could contact the Spectres, but there was no point. A few hours sitting on the grounded Normandy, staring out the windows at the docking bay walls, wasn't going to change this rudderless feeling. She could rest in her room, but it seemed so dark and sterile. Alone.

She wasn't far from the Summit's assembly hall. Outside the main entrance, sleepy-eyed reporters were already setting up camera equipment and going over notes on their datapads. Face perked at her footsteps, but she kept her eyes fixed ahead and put up a hand when one of them tried to rush her. Through the two-story glass sliders, a carpeted hall, wide enough for a parade of shuttles, illuminated a trail to the auditorium, but Shepard turned to the side. Guard hefted their rifles and nodded at her as she punched a key into a side door and entered through a back hall.

Past the rows and aisle of seats stood the stage. Polished blue quartz and marble shined in the stage lights. As directed, Oriana's statue stood in the stage's center surrounded by velvet ropes. Shepard moved down a side aisle as it sloped to the foot of the stage. The hollow, dead eye of the geth burned into her, and she had to tear her eyes away with a hard swallow to keep from turning around.

Movement caught her eye at the base of the stage, and she slowed. He was the only one in the auditorium, a small figure below the stage with his back turned. Her footsteps felt too loud as they echoed ahead of her down the aisle. Kaidan turned his head just enough to catch a flash of his profile before he turned back to the stage.

"Hey." She came up beside him.

"Hey."

He stared out over the stage. It stood a few meters in front of them at mid-chest level. Aside from the glint of overhead lights and the statue, there wasn't much to see. She glanced sideways at him. He hadn't looked at her once, except for the half-glance to see her coming down the aisle.

"I stopped by your room, but you weren't there," Shepard said. "Can't sleep?"

"No."

Shepard pressed her lips together and nodded.

"Met your kid in the brig. Told me to go to hell and a few other choice things."

"More than I got."

"He turned more talkative when I told him my name."

Kaidan nodded absently and glanced over at her. "Didn't get anything from him then?"

"There ain't any nuke," Shepard repeated and strolled to the stage. "That's all. Then a 'go to hell,' 'damned to hell,' then back to 'go to hell,' and something about getting it up the ass. Can't remember specifically."

"A long talk. Must like you."

"We got on." Shepard pressed her back against the stage facing him.

Kaidan folded his arms and looked away. "You're looking for me. What do you need?"

"Need?" Shepard put her elbows up behind her on the stage and hung her hands over the side. Her fingers drummed the edge of the stage. "I wanted to talk to you."

"Yeah?" He sighed, eyes shifting to her face. "What about?"

"Well." She picked at a rough spot on the edge of the stage with one hand. "I thought there may be some hard feelings."

"I already told you. I want everything to be comfortable, same as you."

"Is it comfortable?" Shepard asked. "Are you comfortable, Kaidan?"

"Look, Shepard. What do you want from me?"

He turned away and walked to a seat in the front row. He dropped down in it, elbows on the armrest. He rested his head against his fingertips and looked at her.

"Kaidan." Shepard frowned with a light laugh and stood away from the stage. She stopped short under his gaze. "You're really upset, aren't you?"

He dropped his hand and straightened in his seat but didn't say anything. Shepard sat next to him.

"Hey," Shepard said. "I didn't mean the things I said outside the party. I had too much to drink."

Kaidan held her eye. "Didn't mean them? Or didn't mean to say them?"

"Is there a difference?"

"Yes. There's a difference, Shepard."

She slouched back in her seat and looked at him. "I didn't mean them."

"And before the mission? You didn't mean that either, I suppose."

"Kaidan, really? What did I even say?" Shepard sat forward. "That I wanted things to be comfortable?"

"I don't know, Shepard. It's fine." He stood up. "If you didn't mean it, then I accept that."

Shepard studied him with narrow eyes. "Somehow, Kaidan, I don't believe you."

Kaidan twisted away sharply with a forceful exhale and paced a few steps away. Shepard strained forward in her seat to see him steeple his fingers over the bridge of his nose and close his eyes. Bulky stage lights hummed overhead as Shepard hunched over her knees and intertwined her hands.

"You still have a headache?"

Kaidan's hands dropped, and he turned back to her. "Shepard, listen - we're good. I'm not lying. I want everything to go smoothly. I don't have anything against you."

"Kaidan come on." Shepard stood. "We're friends. Don't make it all … artificial."

"Shepard …"

"Or are we not friends now? I've done something, and you say we're good but in a professional sense."

Kaidan's eyes had a flatness as he looked back at her. "I'm having a bad night. We're both tired."

"Kaidan." She came up to him. "I'm sorry. I think you're not forgiving me, because I'm not recognizing what I did wrong. Tell me what I did wrong, I'll own it. I just want things to be okay again."

"Maybe things can't be okay again, Shepard."

"Why not?"

Kaidan walked to the stage. He stretched his arm out and rested a palm on the stage. "Let's just focus on the Summit. This can all wait."

Shepard stepped up beside the stage. "What about the Terminus System?"

"Ah."

"Ah? Why didn't you tell me?"

Kaidan slid his hand off the stage and turned to her. "If it came up, I would have told you. Does it matter?"

"It matters to me." Shepard touched his arm.

He moved back. "Come on, Shepard. Stop playing with me."

"Playing with you?" She frowned. "That's what you think? I'm playing with you?"

"Let's just … not talk about this now." He turned away and strode to the auditorium's main aisle.

Shepard caught up with him. "Kaidan, please."

He stopped. She rounded him and turned to face him. His face looked distant.

"Just let me go," he said. "We won't get anywhere with this."

"Kaidan …"

He looked away, crossing his arms, but didn't move to leave again.

"Hey." She tried to catch his eye. "Kaidan, you're one the person I'm closest to out of everyone."

He met her eyes.

"Listen." She stepped closer. "I'm sorry. Was it asking about Liara? I shouldn't have, okay?"

He didn't say anything.

"Say something," she said.

"Shepard, I'm not hurt you asked. I was willing to talk to you. It was your reaction."

"Kaidan …"

Kaidan waited, but there wasn't anything for her to say. What reaction? Hell, she'd only wanted to leave and stop prying into his business. She'd tried to put off the conversation. It was no different than what he'd just been doing to her.

Kaidan sighed. "Okay," he said and passed around her.

She turned. "Kaidan …"

"'Kaidan' what?" He swung around.

"Don't go."

"Don't go?" He shifted on his feet. "Shepard, if I don't go, we'll only regret what we say to each other. Or … I'll regret it. You'll probably just need to give me another 'touching bases, keeping your eyes on the goal' dressing down."

"Dressing down?" Shepard frowned. "Hell. You're being way too sensitive."

"Fine." Kaidan extended his arms. "I'm too sensitive. Problem solved. Let's just meet up at the Summit, pretend like this never happened, keep our eyes on the goal, and go our separate ways. I won't bother you by forcing my help on you."

"Damnit, Kaidan. Cool down. That's now what I want."

"What do you want then, Shepard?"

Shepard took a deep breath. His face was so flushed. But at least, he wasn't looking away anymore. It was better than the silence. You couldn't get anywhere with that. Kaidan sighed and scuffed his boot on the floor.

"Right," he said finally. "Keep things comfortable, I forgot. Sorry if this disturbed you."

He swung away and strode down the aisle toward the auditorium doors. Shepard stood paralyzed watching him go. In seconds, he'd reach the door and be gone. Maybe gone forever after that. At the party, watching him with Liara, she'd felt this same sting realizing she'd lost him, angry that it should matter. She'd lost him a part of him, the part he'd given up, but not all of him. If he left now though, maybe she'd lose everything.

"Kaidan." She ran after him. "I was upset over Liara."

He stopped.

"It …" Shepard grit her teeth but pressed on. "It killed me."

She slowed to a stop behind him. It was easier saying it to the back of his head than to his eyes.

"I want to be over it, okay? But I felt hurt. I asked a question when I wasn't ready for the answer."

Kaidan turned, eyes distant but softened. "Shepard, I didn't give you an answer."

She pushed on. It was harder now that he faced her.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I took it out on you, but I wasn't upset with you. I was angry with myself. I want the best for you, Kaidan. Whatever," she swallowed, "whoever that is. I don't want you to be alone."

"Shepard." He stepped closer. "I don't want that for you either."

Shepard strained a smile. "People come and go. There'll always be more, but you're different than me, Kaidan. You're not meant to be alone. It isn't right for you."

"It's right for you then? I don't believe that."

"I'm not trolling for pity, Kaidan. It's cyclical for me, always has been. It works out in the end. But you deserve something different."

"Cyclical?" Kaidan walked in front of her. "What does that even mean?"

Shepard shrugged. She followed the aisle lights with her eyes up to the main doors and took a step back. Kaidan was frowning at the floor in concentration.

"Kaidan, you look wiped out. I'm good. You're good. Go rest, eat, or whatever. I think we're okay, right?"

He looked up sharply. "Cyclical. Like Mindoir and Akuze, you mean?"

Breath stiffened in her lungs. She stared at him.

"That is what you meant, right?" he said.

"I …"

"It's not like that, Shepard." He came closer. "You're not losing everyone, starting over."

"Kaidan, I … I didn't say I'm losing everyone. Or anyone."

"Then what did you mean?"

"I just said it off hand." Shepard sighed and turned down the aisle to the stage.

His footsteps followed slowly behind her. She reached the stage and turned with a half-growl.

"Kaidan, go do whatever it was you were leaving to do. Rest, have breakfast, or something."

She turned and pulled herself up backward to sit on the edge of the stage.

"What about you?" he asked.

"I'm wide awake, and I'm not hungry."

"Aw, right." He stood in front of her. "Are you worried about everyone leaving?"

"Worried? No. It's normal. Everyone goes their own way. That's what happens. It's good."

"Shepard, you said yourself how the war and everything we've been through brought us – all of us – together. Forged us. Solar systems, months, and years between won't change that. You're not losing everyone. This isn't a restart."

"Maybe, but that's not how it feels. But it's normal, like I said." She leaned back on her hands and blinked into the glare of the massive spotlights mounted to the ceiling. "Sometimes I think though …" She glanced at him. His eyes were fixed on her. "You know I was meant to die on the crucible, right? Sometime I think – wonder - if everything that's followed is just some swan song. Never meant to be, so it feels wrong. My implants weren't meant to bring me this far. It's unnatural, and I can't find any peace in it."

"No." Kaidan leaned into the stage next to her legs. "You've said this before, but I don't think it's true. What's meant to be is what happens, if there's any meaning to it at all. You fought for so long, so hard, and now you're on the other side. It's resolved. You lost the purpose that was leading you on. That's why you feel lost. Find a purpose again, Shepard. Maybe it's not where you think. You don't want to be a politician, ride a desk, I get it. But maybe it's time to stop sleeping in the back row."

"I don't actually—"

"I know." Kaidan rested his elbow on the stage. "I know you speak up and you're there, but stop taking directions from them. Tell them what you want to do. When you find it. You have the Normandy. You have people that love you, respect you. You can do a lot more than you're doing now. I think you know it. That's why you're restless."

Shepard stared out the rows of empty seats still leaning back on her palms. A hand covered hers.

"And you're not alone, Shepard. Everyone will want to hear from you."

Shepard glanced down. "Even in the Terminus System?"

"Especially in the Terminus System." He drew his hand back. "I still care about you, Shepard, whatever it sounded. I'll always have your back, you know that. And I'll always want to hear from you."

She held his eye. "Thanks, Kaidan."

"Just need the buoy up," he added.

He smiled back at her softly, and it finally felt real again. That familiar warmth tinted his eyes as he gazed back at her. She still felt the echoing touch of his palm on the back of her hand and wanted to feel it again – just for a second, nothing more – but he dropped his elbow off the stage and straightened his slouch against the stage.

"So, what're you doing here?" Shepard asked.

Kaidan's eyes shifted to the stage. "Worried."

She nodded silently. She studied the line scrunching between his eyes as he stared at the stage.

"Been practicing your barrier?" she asked.

"A little." He smiled up at her lopsidedly. "That damn train didn't leave me much to work with. Even now, I can feel it - the strain - but I've been trying."

"And?"

"I can wrap it but," he shook his head and stared back at the floor, "it's not like yours, Shepard. I can't get the weave tight enough. It's like pulling a knit cap over too large of a head - the threads pull apart and expose these gaps. I don't know …"

"You're wrung out."

"Maybe part of it, not all of it. I'm not you, Shepard."

He placed his palm on the blue quartz of the stage's surface and flared blue. A barrier flickered over his skin and spread out from his hand. Static tingled under her legs as the energy crackled across the stage floor. Her lips widened in to a grin that strained her cheeks, and she pressed her palm to the snapping surface of the floor. Her skin glowed, and she pushed out with her barrier.

It was easy like she remembered with his barrier. She rarely fortified someone's shield or barrier. Creating the barrier itself, the infrastructure, was easier than the interweaving and strengthening. Driving your energy through the barrier's layers, digging and prying into the fabric, could weaken and tear it. But if you didn't interweave enough, it didn't strengthen. She wasn't alone in not being proficient. Few biotics were.

The barrier's weaves loosened as she pushed through. His strands looped and opened to bring her fibers through. Rather than remaining a static matrix as she wove through, his energy intertangled and pulled in hers. It was as easy as always. It wasn't raw power, but skill. She was so-so at best in strengthening barriers. Kaidan was better, but this – being able to help the one strengthening you, to keep the infrastructure while reaching out to meld into the fortification – that, was something on a whole different level. All the team building exercises on Jump Zero weren't wasted on him. The floor's glow deepened into a cobalt as their blurred energies solidified into a solid piece.

Kaidan focused on his palm with a squinted-eyed concentration, and Shepard studied him, her cheeks aching from the smile. She caught his eyes, and he looked up with a broadening grin.

"We're good at this," Shepard said.

"Yeah, we are." He laughed lightly and looked back at his hand. His fingers splayed out on the granite. "Still, I think I'd rather not show off."

"Yeah, me too."

She held the barrier relishing the intense familiarity and closeness of their melded fields – their energies sparking against each other, beating at the same rhythm, a sense of him shivering in her chest. Kaidan frowned at his palm though, and she felt the strain too - that jittery feeling slowly welling up in her bones. She lifted her hand.

"Are you hungry?" Shepard asked and drew her hand back into her lap.

The barrier collapsed. Kaidan let out a long breath and stepped back from the stage. His eyes moved up to her face.

"It's the middle of the night," he said.

"You like eggs, right?"