Chapter 51

"Kate."

Kate stood up from leaning on the deck's railing. "Kaidan?"

"Hey." He closed the glass slider.

"When did you get here?"

"Just now." He walked over to her.

She threw her arms around and gave him a quick hug. "You look a hell of a lot better than at the hospital."

"I got some work done." He leaned forward on the railing next to her.

Kate snatched an open beer bottle off the railing as if afraid he'd knock it off with his hand. "You scared the crap out of Mom, you know."

Kaidan shrugged and gazed around them. "I'm surprised you're still here."

"Rob's gone back. School's out though. Thought I'd stick around for a bit. Be with Mom."

The breeze carried pine and hints of the ocean. Kaidan's eyes followed the the stepping stone below them, overgrown with clover, leading down the hill to the forest. "Where is …"

"Off with the girls." Kate motioned to the trees with her bottle. "At the pond catching who the hell knows. Now I get to spend all day trying to sneak some damned thing back to the pond before it dies."

"Maybe it'll be a fish. Sneak it to the kitchen. A lot closer."

"A fish? Son of bitch probably taste like ass coming out of that pond. Entire thing's brimming with tadpoles and mosquito larvae."

"Tadpoles?' Kaidan put more weight on the railing. "Then, you do, too, the hell know what you're getting back from the pond."

"Still holding out for a butterfly or something. A lot easier to release." Kate took a sip of beer.

Kaidan put his hand out. She groaned but gave him the bottle. He took a drink.

"So," Kate waited, and he handed it back, "Kaidan the General now, huh?"

"Yep, that's what my subordinates call me - Kaidan the General."

"But, I can still call you Ass Munch?"

"Especially around your kids, yeah."

"Ass Munch the General." She took a long drink.

"You're trying to finish that off before I get any more, aren't you?"

"What?" Kate turned and tipped the bottle back again. "This?" She took another gulp. "No."

Kaidan grabbed it before she could tip it back again and took his own swig.

Kate shook her head. "There's not enough beer in the house for the two of us."

"There wasn't enough beer in the house when there was only you." Kaidan tossed the empty bottle behind them.

Kate frowned back at the bottle as it rolled around the deck. "Mom doesn't like that."

"Mom isn't here." Kaidan smiled. "Unless you're becoming her. I can see that."

"That bottle's going to roll off the deck and break." Kate turned back to the railing. "I can still hear it. Rolling … rolling …"

"Fine." Kaidan walked over and snatched it up. He set it upright against the house.

"Better. Though I saw a fine sweat breaking out."

"Well, felt like I had Mom watching me."

"Ass Munch the General, afraid what his mother will do if he breaks a bottle on the downstairs patio."

"Hey. I know to pick my battles."

He hunched over the railing again and stared at the mountains. The ocean shimmered faintly in the distance, and he breathed in the summer air. A warm sun shined on his face. Probably the hottest day since last summer.

"Damn, Kaidan, the paint." Kate pointed at Kaidan's fingers picking at the wooden rail. "I'd shut that down, unless that's the battler you're going with …"

Kaidan lifted his fingers. "I'm saving my battle."

"Got one in mind?"

"Maybe." He shrugged. "I don't know. Probably not a battle."

"Hmm. Do tell."

Kate leaned against him with increasing weight, as if to trip him sideways. He pushed back against her.

"Damn," Kate said stumbling against the railing. "Hope the battle isn't physical. You're gonna knock me off of here."

"I didn't let the beer bottle fall off. You think I'm going to let you?"

"How the hell should I know? Maybe knocking me off is the battle you've picked. I called you Ass Munch the General one too many times. You want it to look like an accident."

"You had been drinking."

Kate laughed, slid an arm under his, and rested her head against his shoulder. "You would be saving me from the tadpoles. Probably be a dozen trips back and forth tossing the little bastards back. Thinning the herd gradually enough no one cries."

"Mom will have worked hard for those tadpoles, but I doubt she'll cry."

Kate squeezed his arm. "Why aren't you around more? I have no one to bother like you."

"Knew I had a higher purpose."

"Pawh, saving the whole damn galaxy? So second priority, Kaidan. Any bastard with a gun can do that. I only have one brother to pick on."

"Or be picked on by."

"Hell, yes. If you didn't pick back, I might feel, I don't know, guilty or something."

"Hmm." Kaidan smiled. "Maybe that's the best way to bother you then. I'll be ultra nice."

"Could be reverse psychology. I may actually want you to be ultra nice."

"Seems unlikely."

"Damn you. You know me too well."

Kaidan tilted his head and rested it against hers.

Kate shifted against him. "What's your battle?"

"What?" Kaidan said.

"The battle you're saving for Mom."

"Oh." He lifted his head. "You know the relays are functional again. Well, some of them."

"Yeah." Kate's head moved against his shoulder. Her eyes rolled up at his face. "You going off world?"

"Yes."

"When?"

"Couple of days."

"A couple of days?" Kate straightened. "For how long?"

"Uh …" Kaidan stared out at the horizon. Kate's eyes weighed on him. "It will be a longer term assignment."

"Longer term … huh." Kate clicked her tongue. "You aren't looking at me."

"What?" He turned his face.

"Ah." Kate pulled her arm out from his and shoved him.

"Hey."

"Longer term? My ass, Kaidan. It's gonna be some semi-permanent gig, isn't it? That's what you're afraid to tell Mom."

"I'm not afraid."

"Yes, you are." Kate stuck a finger in his face.

Kaidan grabbed it.

"You totally are, Kaidan!"

"I'm totally not, Kate."

Kate sighed, turned, and gripped the railing with both hands. "Well … that's too bad, Kaidan."

"Your hands'll be full raising all those tadpoles anyway."

"No, seriously, Kaidan." Kate looked over at him. "I mean, the girls were just starting to really know you. Mom, now without Dad …"

"Come on, Kate. Don't try to make me feel guilty about this."

"I'm not. It's just … that's too bad, you know?"

Kaidan rested his back against the railing and folded his arms. "Yeah, I know."

"Mom's going to be upset."

"I know she will be." He gave her a half smile.

Kate sighed again, put an arm around him, and leaned back next to him on the railing.

Kaidan glanced back at the rail. "This rail gives out, we both die, that's really going to make Mom sad."

"Look at me, then look at you. Who're they gonna blame for breaking the railing? I wonder."

"Your taste for roughhousing's well known. The tissue boxes will be used up during my part of the service - everyone remembering that summer you broke the dock forcing me in the water."

"Hell. You're never going to let that go. Therapy, Kaidan. Therapy."

"Only section of my autobiography I've taken the time to write. Future generations need to know."

"Right - save the galaxy, save the post-war world, become a Spectre, become an Alliance general - but only section of the autobiography: my sister pushed me off the dock when I was ten. Lame. And," she ground a fingertip into his bicep, "there'll be a damned hell lot of tissues used up during my part of the funeral. People see the widowed husband, three little girls with quivering lips, tears like you wouldn't believe. Trust me."

Kaidan nodded, arms folded, and tapping his fingertips on his elbows. He stared at the beer bottle against the wall.

"Hey." She squeezed him in closer, her arm still around his shoulders.

He looked over. "What?"

"You okay?"

"What? No, yeah, of course."

Kate rested her head against his shoulder. "I'm not Mom. Not really. You don't need to tell me all the right answers."

"What right answers?"

"'No, yeah, of course I'm okay.'"

"You are like Mom, you won't believe me."

"You're just not very convincing. Better than last time you were here though." Kate lifted her head and peered at him. "You're better, right?"

"Kate, gezzz. I'm fine. I was just working through some things."

"Yeah, I know." Kate relaxed her head back on his shoulder. "Going through a break up. I get it."

"What?" Kaidan spun to face her. Kate snagged the rail to regain her balance. "Did Mom tell you that?"

Kate pinched her shoulders up. "That's all she said. I don't know anything else."

Kaidan covered the bottom of his face with both hands and let out a heavy breath.

"Kaidan, be real. Don't tell Mom anything you don't want everyone to know. This is not news. I didn't tell Mom I was pregnant with Em until I was in the second trimester."

"Damn." He put his hands down. "Who else knows? Hell."

"Kaidan." Kate gave his arm a pop with her fist. "Don't be so embarrassed. Mom didn't tell anyone else. I think. Might have told Henry."

"What?" Kaidan's voice shot up.

Kate smirked with a knitting brow. "Kaidan, damn." She chuckled. "I'm just joking. I'm sure she only told me. And, that's literally all she said about it."

Kaidan stood silent and stared at the wooden boards of the deck.

Kate waved a hand in front of his face. "It's okay. It's just me, Ass Munch Junior, right? I know a lot worse things about you than some break up."

"I feel dumb."

"So, you're dumb. I've been dumb. Everyone's been dumb. Way it works, right? That's okay. Don't give up or anything." She came around him and squeezed him in with her arm. "I'll be honest. Mom told me you were upset over a breakup, I was glad. No, really. It made me like … I don't know. Glad."

"Glad?"

"Yeah. Here I thought you only cared about guns and shooting things. You were a soldier and a soldier, and in your off time, a soldier. So, I was happy to hear it. Like, there's more to life than being an Alliance soldier or Spectre or whatever. There are people and families and other stuff."

Kaidan frowned. "I know that, Kate."

"Maybe kinda like you know three plus two is five, because three plus two is five. But you don't actually know how to add two and three and that that equals five."

"What?" Kaidan sputtered with scrunched his brow. "What the—Fine. I'll pretend that was really profound. I've been illuminated, and we can stop."

"Ooh. Turning nasty on me." Kate grinned. "Touching a tender point?"

She reached across with her other hand and poked his shoulder. He twisted away and pushed her finger away.

"Stop poking me all the time. You even taught it to your offspring last time I was here."

"Offspring?" Kate choked with a laugh. She took a step forward and smacked his stomach with the back of her hand. "They're called kids, you dumbass. You'd know, if you ever had any."

"Check a dictionary, Kate. 'Offspring' means 'kids.' Who's the real dumbass?"

"Still you. You're just pretending not to understand my bitching math example."

She stepped toward him. He backed up and put up a finger.

"Stop poking me."

"If the Alliance could see their general now. Mowing down enemies with an assault rifle on the battlefield. Begging his little sister to stop poking him at home. 'But, Admirals, she's even teaching her offspring to do this to me! She must be stopped.'"

"I could put you in stasis or something."

"How about taking yourself out of stasis or something?"

"I'm not in stasis, and I know how to add, Kate."

"Hey." Kate put her palms up and came up to him. "Seriously, Kaidan. I love you, you know. I just want you to be happy and stuff."

"I am happy."

"Yeah?" She wrapped her arms around him and laid her face against his chest. "I'm going to miss you."

"I'll miss you, too." He hugged her tight.

"There's more to life than shooting things or being a biotic. Just want to make that clear."

"Yeah, I teased out the punchline a while back."

Kate pulled back. "And Mom's with me on this."

"Stop talking about me. You live on Earth. Talk about the weather like normal people."

Kate rolled her eyes. Kaidan gazed out past the deck.

"Here come your tadpoles."

Kate pushed away from him and scurried to the railing. She grimaced. "Oh, no. It's taking two of them to hold that bucket."

"Not very coordinated about it." Kaidan came up beside her. "Maybe they'll spill it."

"Quick. Use your biotics. Help a sister out."

"After you poked me so many times? No way. If I use my biotics, it'll be to steady the bucket. I hope they have a hundred tadpoles. Maybe some toads."

Kate clicked her tongue then glanced sideways at him. "You staying the night?"

"Yes …"

"Hmm." Kate smiled. "Sleeping in your bed upstairs, right? Then, yes. Yes, I hope there are toads."

XXX

Kaidan paused in the marble hallway outside the door. His eyes linger on the elevator. In the corner of his eyes, the evening sun glinted off the door's platinum finish He sighed, turned back to the door, and buzzed.

"Kaidan." The door slid open.

"Hey, Liara."

Liara stepped back to let Kaidan pass. Stacks of plastic storage boxes piled the entryway. To his left, the room once full of screens, gaped emptily with blank walls.

"You're leaving," Kaidan said.

"Yes." Liara turned to face him as the apartment door slid shut. "To Thessia."

"When?"

"I haven't secured transit. Soon though." Liara passed him into the main room. "What about you?"

"Tomorrow."

"So soon."

Liara picked a box off one of the chairs and set it on the hardwood floor. The rug was already gone. All of the pictures, vases, plants, lamps, couch, desk – it was all gone. The only furniture left, two wingback chairs, cast long shadows across the room.

"I saw Shepard at the hospital," Liara said.

Kaidan nodded absently facing a glass wall and he stared at the reddening sunset. Liara drew his attention and motioned to the now-empty chair.

"Shepard was worried I was listening to Alliance gossip."

Kaidan strolled to the chair. "You probably listen to all the gossip."

"True enough." She drew the second chair closer and sat down next to him. "You're ready for tomorrow?"

"I'm packed. Saw my family. Admiral Hackett gave me a pat and a handshake. So, I guess I am."

Liara curled her legs up on the chair behind her and studied him. "Have you seen Shepard?"

Kaidan rested his head back against the chair. "No, not yet. I will. Before I leave."

"Does she know you're leaving tomorrow?"

"I don't know." He sighed. "Let's not talk about Shepard for once."

"Then, what do you want to talk about?" Liara smoothed the dress fabric on her lap.

Kaidan hunched forward. "What are your plans in Thessia?"

"Reestablishing contacts is my priority. But, it's my home. I want to see what I can do to help."

"Javik?"

"He won't miss me. As far as I know, he's staying here on Earth."

"Lucky us."

"Tell him that, and he'd believe you were serious."

"Oh, I know. Remember the holiday on our way back to Earth, everyone partying in the lounge? Broke out the canned peaches."

"Didn't it coincide with your human holiday? Christmas, right?"

"Yeah, and some quarian holiday," Kaidan said. "Javik sat next to me. The whole night he kept saying how lucky I was to be onboard with him. Something I could tell my children's children's children. Didn't seem to grasp how long humans live, either because of Vega's moonshine or just didn't care. Think it was more the latter."

"In the prothean era, it may not have been a virtue to put others before oneself, at least outside of one's own species. The protheans were imperialists."

"I suppose." Kaidan narrowed his eyes in thought. "Strange idea to think ethics aren't universal, just defined by cycle or culture. Could things like theft and murder just be vices, not wrong?"

"Maybe what's considered theft or murder is malleable. To imperialists, killing an alien, no matter the reason, may be like a human stepping on a …" She searched for the word. "What's that small … an ant. No one considers that wrong, correct? Stepping on an ant."

"So, we're just ants to Javik? Certainly fits."

"If you woke up surrounded by giant ants and went to their party, you may think they were rather lucky to have you, a human, as company. They are, after all, ants."

"True. Probably wouldn't bother to learn one ant's name over the other."

"There you go," Liara said.

Kaidan leaned back and interlaced his fingers behind his head. "That is interesting. Different way of looking at it. I'd hope, if I woke up with ants, I'd treat them cordially, show some dignity. But, maybe I would treat them as inferiors. They do eat each other, you know."

"Maybe they'd see us not eating each other as squandering resources. See our sentimentality as a weakness and evidence of being irrational."

Kaidan grinned. "Superiorly rational ants, and Liara T'Soni championing cannibalism. Giving me a lot to think about for my long trip to Orion."

"Maybe you can see Javik's side more, then."

"Well, yeah." Kaidan looked over at her. "He's the human among ants. I'm lucky to have been on the same starship and planet as him. If only I had some children's children's children to tell about it. Guess I'll have to leave a letter. Sad thing is, you could probably deliver it for me."

"To your children's children's children?"

"I have three nieces. I might need to go that route instead."

"How was your family?"

Kaidan brought his hands down from his head and interlocked them over his stomach. "My sister threatened to put a toad in my bed. Other than that, it was … what it was."

"A toad? That's animal, correct? Is there some other meaning for toad?"

"No, I mean a toad. Literally. Look one up. Trust me, you don't want one sharing your sheets."

"I've met several humans who sleep with animals in their bed."

"None of them sleep with toads." Kaidan paused. "Except for Admiral Wilson's wife. Other than that though, no one."

"Implying Admiral Wilson is a toad. I'll look this up." Liara turned on her Omni-Tool. "From context, I understand it must be an insult."

"To the toad." Kaidan sighed.

Liara's Omni-Tool brightened the room. She scrolled down her screen and paused on something. Her lips retracted, and she looked over at Kaidan. He stood and came around behind her to see over her shoulder.

"That one's a frog. Mislabeled. Toads are worse." He reached down and scrolled her screen. "There. That's a toad."

"It looks like a frog."

"No. They're different."

"How?"

"Hell, don't ask me."

"Then, they're the same?"

"Look up alligator and crocodile. They're different too. You can't tell."

"Really?" Liara punched it in. "There isn't a way to sort them? Is it geographic then?"

"No." Kaidan grinned. "They're different. You can tell. Well, someone can tell. Not me. From this conversation, not you either."

Kaidan strolled back to his chair and ploped down. Liara squinted at the pictures on her holoscreen and chewed her bottom lip. She smiled over at him.

"I'm going to miss you, Liara."

Liara snapped off her Omni-Tool. She twisted in her seat and gazed back at him. "I will miss you too, Kaidan."

"There's a lot you can do for Thessia though. I'm glad you get to go home."

"Yes." Liara looked down at her hands. "It will be years before there's any semblance of normalcy."

"It's good, you'll be there to help then."

"Is it?" Liara looked up at him.

They held each other's eyes for a moment. Kaidan looked away. He hunched forward, elbows on his knees, and folded his hands in front of him. He stared at the floor. Silence stretched between them. The only sound, the blood pulsing in his ears. He looked up at her.

"I think so," he said.

Liara's eyes fell. She gave a slow nod. Her fingers interlaced and re-laced in her lap, and she smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. Kaidan's probably didn't either though.

"Liara," he said, "I want you to know, I'm sorry about … everything. I care about you, and I never meant to …" He sighed. "I'm just sorry."

She glanced over at him. "You don't need to be sorry."

"I feel like I do." He buried his face in his hands for a moment, then drew in a long breath and looked up. "I don't know, Liara. I'm so confused." He sat upright. "But, not about you going to Thessia. That's a good thing. I'm happy for you. You can help there."

"Even for years?"

"That's …" Kaidan frowned at the floor for a long moment. Liara shifted in her seat, and he met her eyes. "I think … that's the right decision."

Liara looked away with a quick nod. Kaidan stood.

"This is good bye then?" Her eyes drifted up to his face.

"Yes."

She rose stiffly, and he stepped up to her.

"Thanks for everything. You've been there for me, Liara. That means a lot."

She nodded, eyes dropping, and gave him a fast hug. "Bye, Kaidan."

"Take care, Liara."

He hailed a skycar outside her building. It lifted back to Alliance Headquarters. Kaidan didn't look back. He'd made the right decision. He felt it in his gut, but the rest of his body felt cold. Cold and alone.

XXX

His bag sat packed on the end of his bed. Kaidan glanced around the room with a heavy feeling. The only thing that wasn't packed was his uniform for tomorrow. It lay across his bed. Kaidan touched the stiff, black fabric and ran his fingers down a line of silver buttons. So much had happened, amazing things – Spectre, general, living through so many close calls and to be still standing.

He backed away from the bed with his eyes fixed on the uniform. The sky darkened in the window, and Kaidan checked his Omni-Tool. He should just get it over with. It was already starting to get too late. He'd put it off long enough. He closed his eyes, took a breath, then turned to the door.