Chapter 53

"Hey there, Lola." James came up behind her in the reflection.

The pale sunrise gleamed across the Normandy's hull. Shepard turned away from the window.

"James. They really did discharge you."

"Shoved me out last night."

"Feeling okay?"

"Bien." James eyed her. "What's this about, Lola? Got your message at the crack of dawn. Here I am."

Shepard tilted her head to the window and twisted back to the window. James came next to her with knitted eyebrows. He followed her gaze to the Normandy.

"James." Shepard looked over at him. "I want to talk to you about something."

XXX

Shepard sighed and checked the time on her Omni-Tool again. A feline-eyed assistant watched her over the top of the terminal on her desk. Her expression only changed in a degree of sourness, but still an improvement over Anthony. Shepard re-crossed her legs and resettled herself on the couch, not for the first time. The couch's armrest was too high or the cushions too plush, she couldn't find the right position.

"How long's this meeting?" Shepard asked.

"The admiral has a full schedule today."

"Too busy to see one of his direct subordinates?" Shepard shifted again on the cushion. The fringe of a palm leaf tickled her arm, and she shoved the plant away. The pot teetered. Shepard grabbed a handful of leaves.

"Uh, sorry," she said righting it. A piece of torn leaf stuck to her hand. She rubbed it off against the couch then stood. "Look, I—"

The office door slid open.

"Put it in tomorrow's report," Wilson's voice said said.

A pair of rear admirals Shepard recognized came through the door at the same time.

"We'll review it again tomorrow." Wilson stood in the doorway.

The rear admirals saluted him. The assistant shot Shepard a pointed frown as she hedged up to the door.

"Admiral Wilson," Shepard said.

Wilson's lips pressed into a flat line as she wedged up beside one of the rear admirals.

The assistant rushed up behind her. "Admiral, I'm so sorry. She just—"

"No, no," Wilson said. He turned his attention back to the rear admirals and returned their salute. "Tomorrow."

The admiral next to her glanced sideways with slit eyes. He gave her a heavy frown before filing out the reception room door behind the other rear admiral. The assistant hovered behind Shepard, but Wilson gave the assistant a nod. She drifted back to her desk.

"Admiral," Shepard said.

"What is it, Captain?" Wilson sighed.

"I need to talk to you."

"Another time." He put up a hand. "I have a parliamentary hearing in thirty minutes. I need to prepare."

"Sir …"

"Tomorrow should work fine for me." Wilson looked past her to the sour-faced assistant. "Gallagher, set the captain up with a time." Shepard folded her arms with a frown. Wilson regarded her for a moment, then added. "An early morning one."

"You have that debrief at eight," the assistant said.

"I'll come in early." Wilson gave Shepard a pointed look and turned back to his office. "Later, Captain."

Shepard dashed around him into his office and rounded to face him. Wilson sputtered.

"Sir, I need to speak with you. Now. If you can't talk to me, you'll get it in an email."

"Send it in an email then," Wilson said through his teeth. "You're dismissed."

"Fine." Shepard shrugged and moved past him back to the door. "You're going to be angry."

"About what?"

"Wait for the email, sir."

"Fine!" Wilson snapped.

Shepard paused in the doorway. The assistant was already standing and waving Shepard toward the reception room's exit. Wilson flagged the assistant off with the back of his hand, and eyeing Shepard. He tipped his head to his desk, but she stopped in the center of the room and let the door close behind her.

Wilson released a weighty sigh and stomped to his desk. "This had better—"

"I'm resigning."

Wilson stumbled. He grabbed hold of the desk and turned back with wide eyes. "What?"

"I'm sorry. That's what I had to say, sir."

Wilson frowned at the floor.

"Why?" He looked up.

"Doesn't matter."

"Sit down." Wilson indicated the couch in the corner of the office.

"No." Shepard backed up to the door. "I'll write you something more official, but I—"

"It's Alenko, isn't it?"

Shepard stopped. "What?"

Wilson put his palm out toward the couch. "You wanted a chat. Let's have a chat." He glanced at the clock hanging on the wall. "I have time. I can postpone if I must." He strolled to the couch and looked back at her. "Sit."

Shepard shifted on her feet. "I—"

"Come over here, Shepard. Let's have a chat."

He sat down on the far end of the couch and motioned to the other end. Shepard glanced at the door one last time then came over with a sigh.

"What?" she said.

She plopped down on the far end. Wilson's eyes hardened with a frown.

"Sir," Shepard added. "What, sir?"

Wilson gave a slight nod and put an arm across the back of the couch. He angled himself toward her.

"Shepard, I know the factors here."

"Factors?" Shepard said flatly.

"Kaidan Alenko. You two …" He rolled his hand in the air then rested it back on the couch. "I'm aware."

"It isn't like that. Hasn't been for a while. What you saw …"

Wilson held up a palm and looked away. "That isn't something I need to know."

"Well …" Shepard peered at him. "It wasn't what you think. That time at in my quarters."

"Don't try denying this, Shepard." Wilson sighed and rolled his eyes over to her. "This is all off the record."

"Then, off the record, I'm telling you - it wasn't like that. Kaid—General Alenko did nothing wrong."

"Nothing wrong?" Wilson frowned with a snort. He leaned forward and dropped his voice. "You taking a shower with him there alone in your quarters. Evidence of drinking. Easily unduly intimate and witnessed firsthand by two senior officers. It doesn't take more than that. Completely inappropriate, and it disrupted your work. It was a galaxy-wide political event where both you and Alenko had a duty to protect security. Tell me that doesn't qualify for a fraternization court martial. It's by our good graces, you're not both sitting in a disciplinary hearing right now."

Shepard stomped to her feet. "This is a witch hunt."

Wilson's nostrils flared. "Sit back down."

"Not if this is the conversation."

"I'm stating the facts."

"Kaidan didn't do anything wrong. Yes, we drank. You have scores of officers that get together and, yes, drink. He didn't even know I was going to take a shower. He was leaving anyway. Subpoena me. I'll say the same thing. Either way, I'm resigning, and that can be the end of it. Whatever happens after is no harm, no foul. No reason there should be any problems for him."

"What happens after the fact doesn't absolve anyone from what happened before it. You've read the regulations. You were both active military officers at the time. Alenko knew that."

"You'll pursue this against him?" Shepard drew closer.

"Alenko's arrogant. He could use being brought down a few pegs."

"Kaidan? Arrogant?" Shepard snorted. She gave Wilson a flat look. "Is this blackmail to prevent me from resigning? It won't work." She turned to the door. "Subpoena me at his hearing then. I'll help him fight it."

"Come back."

"We're done here." Shepard reached for the door's button.

"There's another way." Wilson shot out of his seat. Shepard paused. "Hear me out. The Alliance does consider you an asset. A galactic pain in the ass as far as I'm concerned, but an asset."

Shepard turned with hands on her hips and waited. Wilson strolled over to her.

"Alenko could use a reminder of his place. I stand by that. It'd do him good."

Shepard turned to the door button again, but Wilson cut in front of her.

"It won't happen though," Wilson said. "There was a push in the past to see you and Alenko disciplined. Some voices wanted one or both of you out, but we know now a lot of that was coming from people with another agenda. They weren't alone in pushing it, of course, but feelings have changed."

Shepard gazed at him coolly. Wilson moved back to the couch and waited of her. She didn't follow.

"The Alliance recognizes your value. And … Kaidan Alenko, too. What you managed together at the Summit was reckless, brazen, even—" He caught himself and seemed to think better of it. He changed his tone. "The job got done. The risk was averted. And, it took some talent. The Alliance sees that, can use that."

"So glad to be useful."

"I saw you and the General in action that night. I don't like him, and you're a royal pain in the ass, Shepard, but you two work well together. Even I could see that. You're two important officers. We don't want to lose that."

"Then, what are you proposing?" Shepard frowned.

Wilson looked meaningfully at the far corner of the couch. Shepard sighed and came over.

"Here, is what I can say," Wilson said as she sat down. "You and Alenko do whatever you want. In private. Discreet. The Alliance doesn't need to know, and we won't be looking."

"Discreet?" Shepard sat forward.

"Discreet. Private. In public – meetings, hallways, outdoors, indoors, on duty, off duty, friends and family, anyone not just you and him – you're coworkers. What you do in total privacy, we don't care."

"Really? Reg's be damned?"

"That's why it'll be kept low profile, Shepard. Other officers can't know. We're not officially having this conversation."

"And if someone finds out?"

"Don't let them. If they do, well, we can deal with that internally. Denials go a long way. Keep your distance during the day. The rest of the time, no one's watching your door."

Shepard leaned back into the corner of the couch. She studied Wilson.

"Kaidan's going to the Terminus System."

"It's an important mission. It's going to further his career. Your tasks on Palaven, Thessia - that's going to further yours. Keep whatever communication you want. Comm buoys will be up in a year. As a Spectre, you have access to the Council's quantum entanglement comm before then. Granted, it is an open, certainly not private, channel. Communication should be … professional. After some time, when these assignments are finished, there may be opportunity to be stationed in a closer vicinity. Relays are coming back up. You work well together. There may be opportunities for some collaboration in the future."

Shepard rested an elbow on the armrest and ran her fingernails across her lips. It was a solution. They could keep their ranks. Per Wilson, it wouldn't inhibit their career trajectories, and they would be together. Warth perfused from her chest at the memory of resting up against him the night before the Summit - his chest rising and falling against her face, the beating of his heart, the warmth of his arm encircling her shoulder, breathing in the scent of his soap. She could have all of that, and she wouldn't lose anything. Shepard glanced over at Wilson. He smiled, waiting.

Thoughts rolled around her head as her eyes drifted over Wilson's office. Medals glinted in the overhead lighting on the wall across from her. For appearances, she probably couldn't be front row at Kaidan's next commendation, and he'd be saluting her at hers. Maybe even a handshake. She saw it then: Alliance functions - arriving at separate times, staggering their departures; moderating glasses of champagne at the Council's anniversary celebration and meeting up later only to fight and fret - someone could have seen that lingering touch on the back, that lieutenant might read into that errant comment if he thought more about it; no nights out without the cover of a friendly entourage; no restaurant dinners alone, unless a private room was reserved off the main floor, and then entering through the back door; no dancing; no parties; no greetings in the terminal after a long assignment. Their whole relationship - reserved, strained, waiting for the evening; sneaking and hiding in front of crew and anyone but their most trusted friends; agonizing over which officer's career they'd ruin if they gave themselves away and he went to administration to report it. There would never be spontaneous kisses or even touching hands. Lingering looks, at most.

They couldn't recognize their relationship. The single woman studying their group from across the bar wouldn't see any reason not to approach. She'd buy Kaidan a drink, smiling, and trail a finger down his arm, a warm public gesture he probably missed and which Shepard couldn't give him. Shepard's glass of beer would practically crack in her clenched hand as Kaidan shot her nervous glances and fended the woman off in some too-polite way they'd fight about later. The woman, feeling the vibe, might even ask if she and Kaidan were together. 'No' she'd have to hiss from between her teeth, try to dampen the fire in her eyes, and pull up a pleasant smile.

And, their future together would be static. Kaidan wasn't the type to be satisfied with midnight hook-ups and clandestine meetings around corners and down dark hallways. After so many years, it might not be enough. Maybe … maybe it wasn't enough for her either. Wilson watched her, smile fading. Shepard pulled her fingertips from her lips and stood up.

"No."

"No?" Wilson frowned. "Think this through."

"No," Shepard repeated. "That's not what I want. I appreciate the offer, but …"

Shepard crossed over to the door. Wilson pushed himself up from the couch.

"But what?" he asked.

She stopped in front of the door and looked over.

"It's not enough," she said.

"You're losing the Normandy."

"I know." She stared at the door's button for a long moment, then turned back to Wilson. "Actually, if you'll hear me out, I've considered that. I have a suggestion."

XXX

Shepard rushed down the terminal. She dodged through the Alliance uniforms intermingled with alien diplomats and clerical staff, all going different directions. Docking bay A17 loomed ahead. Shepard checked the time with it bouncing on her wrist, then spurred ahead faster. A salarian stopped in front of her answering an Omni-Tool call. She crashed around him and shot ahead. She burst around the corner of terminal to dock A17. The transport shuttle was still there, docked.

Shepard smoothed down her uniform and walked over to the loading area. Alliance officers stood in a loose cluster around the loading ramp. Shepard scanned past their faces and gazed down the ramp to the shuttle. There wasn't any movement inside, and the lights seemed too dim for people to already be loaded.

"Shepard," a voice said.

Shepard spun around. Admiral Hackett walked across the dock to her.

"Admiral," Shepard said with a growing frown.

She scanned around the dock again before moving to meet him. He motioned her off to the side.

"Shepard, Admiral Wilson contacted me. Let's talk about this."

"There's nothing to discuss." Shepard kept her back to the wall and faced the loading area. She searched the crowd moving opposite directions in the hallway.

"What's the plan?" Hackett asked crossing his arms. "Go to the Terminus System?"

"Not necessarily." Shepard glanced at him.

"A waste."

"That's for me to decide, Admiral."

Hackett sighed and watched her scanning the crowd. Maybe she shouldn't have assumed the shuttle was empty. She turned to the shuttle and squinted down the ramp. Hackett moved into her field of view. Shepard frowned and stood on the balls of her feet to see over him.

"He's not coming," Hackett said.

"What?" Shepard's heels slapped down on the floor. "He already left? Damnit."

"No," Hackett said pulling his crossed arms tighter. "He resigned."

"What?" Ice hardened her chest. "What are you talking about?"

"Resigned before you did," Hackett said. "This morning. I thought you may not know. That's why I came to catch you."

"Catch me for what?" Shepard's shallow breathing faster.

"Catch you from making a mistake."

"Did he say why?"

"It was quick. He didn't give a reason."

Shepard touched her forehead mind racing.

"He quit, Shepard."

Shepard met Hackett's eyes.

"He quit," Hackett repeated. "It means you don't have to."

Shepard stared at him. Hackett stepped closer.

"Kaidan's not an officer now, only a Spectre. There shouldn't be … There's no reason you couldn't continue captaining the Normandy."

"Kaidan quit," Shepard echoed, eyes dropping.

"But you don't have to."

Shepard looked up.

"He's left the service," Hackett continued. "Regs don't apply now. Stay with the Alliance, Shepard. You can keep the Normandy."

Shepard gazed down the long terminal corridor. The Normandy was at docking bay A28. Through the layers of walls, people, and ships, she could see it in her mind's eye gleaming in the morning sun. Waiting. She braced herself against the wall and focused back on Hackett.

"What do you say?" He smiled.