A/N: Hello everyone! I want to give a big thank you to those who have taken the time to read, fav, follow, and especially review my first ever HA fic! I appreciate it beyond words can describe! Kay, here's another chapter that I shall once again, split into 2 parts. Please review!
Surprises. Gotta' love them right? I mean who doesn't? Well, that just depends on the outcome of the event. See in my case, there have been many instances where surprises have been good for me, and when they have been just downright, "Guess what Pataki, You're fu-screwed again!" moments.
But like I said, it just depends on the outcome…Or maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps it depends on the trigger? The cause of the situation, I mean. Like for example, ever have that feeling like you've forgotten something; especially if it was important? Followed by that stupid pestering emotion of pending dread that you know without a doubt, if you cannot recover what you've done or have not done yet, that it will come with severe consequences that will most likely bite you in the butt later? Yet, with that feeling comes the annoyance of not wanting to be bothered with playing the, "Guess what it is before you're screwed" game, so you decide to forget about it altogether; facing whatever it is to come later…Only for it to end up as a not so pleasant surprise…that ultimately explodes in your face.
Overly dramatic you say? Well I've been feeling overly emotional lately Bucko, so deal! Although, to be fair, you're probably wondering why I'd be on such a subject? Cue my current situation that actually happens to be a surprise slash unknown consequential outcome for me.
I just didn't know it yet…
Helga growled in frustration yet in pure agony as she once again reached desperately for the wastebasket placed conveniently in reach from her bed, regurgitating violently. Cringing at the sound, her husband frowned sympathetically at his wife while tying his green neck tie.
"Throwing up again, huh?"
"Well I sure ain't blowing kisses in here now am I Arn-" Her retort was interrupted as she threw her head in the bucket once more, then finished her sentence. "-oldo… Criminy! I'm gonna' throw up my entire abdomen, belly button included if I keep this up!"
Arnold shook his head. "Honey, why don't you just-"
"Don't! Say. It." She warned sternly, only to grab the bucket again.
"Go to the doctor…" He finished, ignoring her glare. "You've been like this since last night! It's obviously getting worse. You need to be checked out."
"Darling, I told you…It's no big deal! It's just a little-"She went at it again. "Cold…"
Arnold's gaze went half-lidded with exasperation as he folded his arms. "I'd hardly call filling 13 buckets in counting and wheezing all night the results of the infamous common cold…"
"You counted?! What are ya, your cousin?" Helga asked in disbelief. "It's not like it's my fault I was going back and forth to the bathroom! If you'd just let me grab a pillow and crash-"
"Helga! I told you there was no way I was letting my wife sleep on the cold bathroom floor near a toilet!" Arnold stated, disgusted as he remembered having to nearly wrestle the pillow out of her hands as she insisted to stay in the bathroom.
His wife scoffed. "Well, it would have been more convenient. That's all I'm saying…" She folded her arms, only to reach for the bucket once more.
"No, what would be more convenient is for you to see a doctor." He retorted dryly once more, taking a soft wet cloth and gently wiping sweat from his wife's head.
"Oh, but I am seeing a doctor…A goody two-shoes type, but a handsome hunk of perfection if I do say so myself…" Helga flirted, snaking her hands up and around Arnold's neck, smiling mischievously.
Arnold blushed at the interaction, but smirked at her. "Flattery will get you nowhere Angel…And you're lucky I got called in for a 5150 case at the hospital, otherwise I'd hoist you up and drag you to the ER kicking and screaming myself…" He cooed back at her softly yet his threat rang in seriousness as he retracted her arms from his neck, and kissed her forehead.
"Party pooper…" Helga pouted.
"I love you too, hon." He smiled brightly at her. "And I trust that you'll do the right thing and call me later to tell me how it went?"
"Yeah, yeah. Don't you have something you need to do right now?" She rolled her eyes.
He checked his newest Beephone that his wife recently bought for him to make up for the one she damaged. "Oh gosh you're right! I'm going to be late! Thanks Hel-"He was interrupted by his necktie being grabbed and his eyes suddenly catching the bloodshot yet still bright blue sparkling pools of his wife's gaze.
"When I said you need to be doing something…I meant your lips engaging in mine Football-Head…" His wife murmured seductively.
"Sweetie I'd love to, but…you're not feeling well…" He murmured in reply.
"Mm in sickness and in health remember?" She taunted closing the distance between them.
"I already kissed you though…" he insisted, playfully pulling back slightly.
"Anything that isn't your addictive lips on mine doesn't count…" She murmured back defiantly.
"Addictive, huh? Well…I guess one wouldn't hurt." He smirked feeling her warm breath on his lips, as he started to close the distance.
"Yay…" She teasingly cheered and opened her mouth slightly awaiting…
Only to abruptly throw up all over him.
Talk about bad timing.
Needless to say, the moment was utterly destroyed as Helga put her hands to her mouth in pure embarrassment and her horrified eyes widened.
"CRIMINY! OOH. MY. GOSH…I-I am SO sorry!"
Arnold raised a hand up to stop her from going any further while robotically grabbing the wash cloth to remove excess bile off his face, and walking towards their closet in search of a clean suit.
"Nothing to be sorry about Helga…It's not the first time something like that has happened to me…Just go to the doctor okay?" He stated in a strained tone.
"But it's just a little cold…" She whined softly in defiance, still in embarrassment from earlier, only for her stubborn expression to falter at the stern piercing glare her husband gave her that went unmoving for 1 whole minute straight.
"Okay! Okay! Fine! Geez with the eyes already!" She sighed. "You win. I'll go. Promise…" She surrendered.
Her husband, still keeping the expression merely nodded sharply and walked into their bathroom to clean up, all the while dialing his boss to inform him of his late arrival.
When he was all cleaned up, he gave one last farewell and warning as she once again ensured him that she would go to the doctor. Helga smiled sweetly and blew a kiss at him; Arnold smiled back and left. Once he was gone, she scoffed again, putting her hands behind her head as she got comfortable in their bed once more.
"Psh, yeah right, like I'm going to waste my hard earned cash on some stupid medical bill that's going to suggest frequent fluids and rest when I can do that for free! Dream on Football head. No one tells ol' Helga what to do! But I did make a promise…Oh well, what the Football Head doesn't know won't hurt him. I'll just call Phoebe or Stella for advice. They've got their PHDs so technically I won't be lying!"
Once satisfied with her plan, Helga closed her eyes for some much needed rest…Only to abruptly shoot up and grab the wastebasket again.
"Criminy!"
Meanwhile, just about ready to start the car, Arnold adjusted his Bluetooth as he answered his ringing phone.
"So everyone knows the plan. Are you guys all set?"
"Ready as we'll ever be man. Though I hope you know, you're playing with fire…" his best friend Gerald deadpanned from his line.
"You've been saying that since I started dating her." Arnold chuckled.
"I reckon he ain't fibbin' though Arnold, on account of your wife being hard headed and most likely ain't gonna' listen to you worth cow dookie about going to see a doctor about her condition and all. " His other friend, Stinky agreed, tuning into their conversation from his line.
"Boy howdy! Got that right! The chances of her actually listening and following needed advice are the chances I'll get promoted to captain in the force!" Sid said from his line.
"But didn't you just graduate form the police academy last week?" Nadine asked from her line.
"Duh! That's my point!" Sid retorted. "Not, that…that wouldn't be totally awesome…"
"Well I think this whole plan is stupid! I can't even believe I'm following through with this with you losers! And for Heelgaa of all people! Aww I could be eating breakfast right now! Aww man…I'm soo hungry!" Harold whined from his line.
"What my husband means is that it's for Helga's own good and that we don't mind helping at all Arnold." Patty insisted, glaring at her husband as she snatched the phone from him.
"I appreciate that Patty." Arnold replied.
"Well, you both better appreciate this effort, especially since I am taking time out of my busy schedule to having to do this! After all, I have a runway show in the next 30 minutes and I still have many alterations to make for my models! Fashion doesn't help itself you know! So that Unibrow spouse of yours better go through with this! Hmph!" Rhonda scoffed from her line.
"That's strange, I was oh so sure that Helga has two eyebrows now Rhonda?" Lila stated from her line.
"Whatever, she still fails to meet fashions standards." Rhonda retorted from her line once more.
"Either way, we're ever so in this all together Arnold. I oh so certainly hope that she will be alright." Lila stated once more.
"I concur Arnold. As her long trusted colleagues, we agree that Helga's health is the highest priority that although she takes it lightly, shouldn't be taken lightly. Therefore, this plan is acutely necessary despite its eccentric tendencies." Phoebe chimed in from her line.
Silence was heard.
"What my nyoubou (wife) means to say is that your plan is necessary for her own good even though she's being stupid about it." Gerald deadpanned once more.
A collective "Oh" was heard over the joined lines.
"Why didn't ya just say that instead of confusing me?!" Harold whined pathetically from his line.
"Not to worry Arnold! Like Lila said, we're all in this together! Helga should know that there's absolutely nothing to fear with going to the doctor! Why the hospital is one of the best places on earth! I see my doctor all the time! Heck, even right now since I'm in the ICU!" Eugene exclaimed brightly from his line.
"You Jinx! You're in the hospital again?! What the fu-" Sid started.
"The poor dear slipped on a banana peel at the zoo yesterday and landed in a group of wild elephants...Luckily the rescuers managed to get him out of there before their rampage killed him!" Sheena explained from her line, holding the phone for her bandaged up husband to speak into.
"That's right! Only got a few broken ribs and concussions out of the deal, but other than that, I'm A.O.K! Everyone's been great here! The food is delicious too!" Eugene exclaimed joyfully, chugging some discolored scrambled eggs in one bite.
"Eugene! Those eggs have been sitting up, uncovered for the last 72 hours! Please tell me you didn't just eat them!" Sheena exclaimed in horror from her husband's bedside, their interaction still live over the joined lines.
"Not to worry Snookums! I'm O...Ooh boy, I think I might need a doctor..." Eugene wheezed, turning green.
"We'll call you back Arnold!" Sheena exclaimed, hanging up abruptly.
"O...kay then?" Arnold blinked, then cleared his throat. "Listen everyone, I know Helga can be-"
"Ridiculous?" Gerald deadpanned once more.
"Onerous?" Phoebe chimed.
"An ever clashing Shrew?" Rhonda huffed.
"A She Varmint?" Stinky added.
"A mean old Madame Fortress Mommy who's keeping me from having breakfast!" Harold whined.
"Ever so misunderstood?" Lila chimed.
"Harsh?" Nadine added.
"Crazy?!" Curly added form his line.
"A grade-A all-around Bit-" Sid started.
"STUBBORN!" Arnold finally shouted with frustration, rendering his friends silent. "She's just a little stubborn sometimes okay? That's all! Geez!"
"…So all of the above then." Sid reasoned.
"Shut up Sid!" Arnold snapped. "I can't believe you guys would even talk about her like that!"
"Calm down bro, we're just messing around…Sort of…but you gotta' admit, that gal is one tough cookie to chew." Gerald reasoned.
"I know! I know…I just want what's best for her you know? I'm sure you guys all feel the same deep down." Arnold replied.
Murmurs of humble agreements sounded through the joined lines.
"Not to worry man, we got your back; her's too." Gerald reassured.
"Hai!" (Yes) Phoebe chimed in agreement.
"Yeah, whatever..." Rhonda conceded.
"What my beloved queen said!" Curly chimed after.
"You bet!" Nadine agreed.
"Darn Tootin!'" Stinky added.
"I'm ever so in agreement! " Lila agreed.
"Yeah, sure..." Sid conceded.
"Aw but I'm still soo hungry-OW! FINE! I'm in!" Harold whined, only to be interrupted by a hard smack from his wife.
"Mhmm." Patty agreed still glaring at her husband.
"...Yeah." Brainy wheezed heavily from his line.
"Thanks guys, I knew I could count on you all! Things will turn out just fine you'll see." Arnold smiled.
"Yeah, provided your wife doesn't kill us all and burn our remains to ashes after this stunt we're gonna pull..." Sid deadpanned from his line.
"SHUT UP SID!" Everyone snapped in unison.
After Arnold said his goodbyes, he finally hung up, redirecting his attention to the busy highway; trying not to worry about his plan of "Ensuring Helga follows through with her promise of going to see a doctor, since she most likely won't go."
"I wonder what it's like to have normal friends..." He chuckled to himself and continued driving.
"Alright ya'll, you heard the man, time to put the plan into action. We'll start out with the peaceful method of messaging her on "HillShare" and see if she'll bite." Gerald ordered from his line.
"Oh she bites alright! I have no doubt about that whatsoever! " Sid grumbled from his line.
Meanwhile, a frazzled Helga tried to unsuccessfully stomach her pork rinds, cursing up a storm, as she threw up its contents into her now 15th wastebasket.
"Ugh! Can't I catch a break for once?! FU-" She groaned only to be interrupted by multiple incoming message chimes from her HillShare app.
"The heck?!" Helga raised an eyebrow as she checked her Beephone to see what the commotion was about.
"14 Pokes and 14 Messages"
"Hello my Angel, just checking in. I trust that you're either waiting in the waiting room, or on your way to the ER and not trying to stomach a bag of those pork rinds you're not supposed to have... Anyways, I know that you'll do the right thing. Stay safe and get well my love, I'll check back as soon as I get a break. XOXO" -Arnold
"Yo, Hellgirl, heard you weren't feeling well. Do yourself, my main man, and us all a favor and head to the ER to see what's wrong with you."- Gerald
"Konichiwa Helga, Arnold informed us of your illness. I hope you will take into consideration the urgency of your predicament and be examined by a professional physician. And no, I don't mean using me as a short cut, as I only specialize in pediatrics...As your best friend, I hope you understand that I'm worried about you. So is Gerald and our little dango in the oven too of course! ^^ O hayai kaifuku o negatte orimasu (Get well soon)!" -Phoebe
"Helga darling, do quit being stubborn and see a doctor! He or she might not be able to cure your horrid fashion sense, but at least you'll feel better in the end!" -Rhonda
"Helga, do as my beloved and omnipotent queen and spouse commands or face the consequences! Muahaha! BTW get better soon :)" -Curly
"Hey Helgs, sorry you're sick, go see a doctor and get well soon. P.S. Peapod sends his regards. " -Nadine
"Howdy Helga, I dun' heard you were feeling sicker than a hound dog with chicken pox. Now you go on yonder, and see a doctor and feel better now ya hear?" -Stinky
"There should be laws about avoiding medical attention when needed, that way I could arrest you and put you away in the slammer for good! How cool would that be? JUST KIDDING! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! Anyways, you really should get checked out Pinky. Hope you get better soon. Again, DON'T KILL ME! X/!"- Sid
"Helga, get your ugly butt up and see a doctor or I'll pound ya! You're keeping me from my breakfast and I'm hungry!"- Harold
"Ignore my husband Helga, but by all means, you should go see a doctor about your condition. P.S. That's not a request..."-Patty
"Oh Helga, I'm ever so sorry that you're feeling under the weather. I oh so certainly hope you'll feel better soon, though I'm just ever so certain your chances of feeling better will increase once you see a doctor. I do hope you'll go to the doctor Helga. We're all just ever so worried about you! Just ever so worried!" -Lila
"Helga, we hope you get better soon! Please get the medical attention you need before you end up like my unfortunate hubbie, he'd say hi, but he's occupied in surgery at the moment..."- Sheena
"Helgie! Heard you weren't feeling your best, but don't you worry, I can hold down the fort till you get better. You just focus on following the doctor's orders! Don't even worry about coming in to work...Seriously, stay away from the premises or I'm calling security on you! Get better soon lots of huggies!"- Kat
"...Hi Helga...Get better soon...My wife, Beauty says hi." -Brainy
Now see, the right and honorable thing to do would be to count my many blessings and be utterly touched at the concern of my wellbeing from all of my dearest, closest friends...BUT TO HE** WITH THAT! SEEING HOW THEY'RE TRYING TO ORDER ME AROUND?! Psh they got another thing coming! Being unfortunate that Ol Betsy and the Five Avengers cannot be transmitted to each and every one of these chumps, a "Screw You!" In all caps will have to suffice as my response...With an occasional "Thanks, but no thanks for your generous concern! :)" sent to the ones I deem worthy, Pheebs included of course; and a special "F*** you Pink Boy! I'd like to see you try! XP" to good ol Harold. I now see the value of using copy/paste...Still I gotta' admit, I'm touched! I've got some pretty cool friends...Annoying with worthless efforts...But still, cool nonetheless.
Helga smiled while typing rapidly on her phone.
"Well her response wasn't exactly a , 'Gee thanks guys, I'll go get seen right now!' But at least she let us down gently..." Nadine sighed from her line.
"I concur..." Phoebe sighed in agreement from her line.
"Gently?! She just said 'Screw you' to me in all caps!" Sid complained from his line.
"WHAT?! AW NO FAIR! SHE SAID 'F*** YOU!' TO ME! AW I'M GONNA' POUND HER!" Harold shouted from his line.
"Easy there Big Bubba, it's an expected response...Looks like we'll have to use force after all." Gerald deadpanned from his line.
"DON'T CALL ME THAT! Aw I'm so hungry! Babe, can I eat now?!" Harold whined.
"Is Helga at the doctor's office yet?" Patty questioned.
"Uh...No?" Harold answered.
"Then no. You have to wait till the plan's in place." Patty deadpanned.
"Stupid Madame Fortress Mommy not going to the stupid doctors, leaving me to stupidly starve! " Harold grumbled.
"Criminy, the nerve of those bozos trying to tell me to go to the doctor. I can handle my dang self! Hmph...Even though I do feel like crud...Oh well, maybe some tunes will calm my nerves." Helga murmered, reaching for the radio. She was just in time for the newscast.
Scratch that. The Sports talk news to be exact...
"I tell ya, Pro athlete or not, we can agree that LeDron was WAY off his game this week what did you think Gerald?"
"Well hey man, what can be said? I mean despite his valiant efforts, he just couldn't nail them Bulls... Turns out he had the flu, but hey, that's what happens when you miss a needed doctor's appointment. ..I mean even right now, I got a friend of mine who's to stubborn to go!
"The heck?! Screw you Tall-hair boy! I caught that crack! Think you're pretty slick huh?!" Helga exclaimed, reaching for her wastebasket once more.
"Yeah but them flu shots though! I mean- "
CLICK
Helga abruptly shut the radio off, grumbling out curses as she attempted to lay back down in her bed.
DING DONG
Helga rose up groggily out of her bed and made her way downstairs to answer the door, only to reveal a smiling Lila on the other side.
"Hi Helga! How ever are you feeling?"
"Like shi-I MEAN...I'm just dandy Lila!" Helga caught herself, feigning a sweet tone. "And what, pray tell, brings such an unpleasant surprise to my doorstep? " She scowled.
"I guess I can oh so assume that you've received our messages? " Lila smiled with uncertainty.
"Mhmm, and like I oh so replied, thanks, but no thanks for your genuine, yet unnecessary concern! I can handle my-ugh, hold on!"
Helga rushed back into the house to grab her wastebasket, only to rush back outside and finish her sentence.
"-Self! And you can relay that to every single chump that believes otherwise! Got it sister?" Without waiting for a reply Helga rushed back inside, slamming the door in the process.
Lila blinked for a moment, then turned around to leave, pulling out her cell phone. "I oh so don't believe she complied to my attempt..." She sighed.
"Okie dokie then! Guess I'm up to bat..." A voice replied.
Once again, Helga attempted to lie back down when all of a sudden...
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK- KNOCK KNOCK
Her eye twitched slightly, as she answered the door to reveal a smiling Stinky holding out a big pack of lemon pudding.
"Well Howdy Do Mrs. Helga! I reckon ya'll dun' got our messages on HillShare and fixin' to go see a doctor right now?"
Helga's eye twitched severely at that point.
"Thought that might've been your reaction, luckily I dun' brought the perfect incinietive for ya! Yes siree, ain't nuttin like the temptation of my homeade lemon pudding to get you going! I reckon you are on your way to see a doctor now right Mrs. Helga?"
"You know what I reckon Stinko?...I reckon you'd better get the heck off my porch before I decapitate your nose by slamming the door on it..." She threatened tiredly.
He backed away rather quickly at that point.
"Okie dokie then! No need to get all finicky Mrs. Hel-
SLAM
"Ga...Wilikers! Well, hot dang! That woman's more hard headed and stubborn than a donkey at a family reunion of rams! Fellars, I'm guessin' we're gonna' have to pull out the big guns!" Stinky declared into his phone.
Once more, Helga, now beyond exhausted, crawled desperately up the stairs and into her bed. Letting out an agonized groan, she buried her head into her her pillow, completely unaware of the surprise that was yet to befall her...