"It's gonna take a lot to drag me awaaaay from yooouuu,
There's nothing that hundred men or mooore could ever dooooo,
I bless the raaaains down in Aaaaafricaaaa,
Gonna take some time to do the things we never haaaaad, ooh ooh…"
As "Africa" played on the portable radio, Carlino "Carl" Casagrande sat on a small stool neat the door of the bodega, patiently waiting for his chance to strike. No victims had walked in yet, but they were sure to arrive soon…
What victims? Girls, of course! What else? Of course, none had come yet, which slightly worried the kid, but if school had taught him anything at all, it was to be patient. Women would be lining up eventually to get a piece of this puma!
But for the moment, he was getting desperate… too desperate. As soon as a lady walked in, he made his move.
"Hola, Chiquitaa! I'm sure you're here for a piece of ME, no?"
He hadn't even noticed he was hitting on a lady old enough to be his grandmother… and just to make matters worse, it actually WAS his grandmother. Of course, he didnt notice until she hit him over the head with her bag.
"Carlito! You know better than to flirt with older women! Shame on you, chico!"
"Sorry, grandma!" he cried as she walked out the front door, towards the apartment door. He flopped back into his stool and gazed out the window, putting his chin into his hand.
"Dang it, Carl! You've been in a rut for WEEKS now! There just hasn't been any good looking chicas out there for me to seduce!"
At the counter, Roberto had been cleaning until the boys pathetic attempts at being attractive distracted him. He stared at the boy as he talked to himself for a good while, before finally speaking.
"Something wrong, niño? You look down today…"
"Oh, hey Tio…" Carl said dejectedly. "Its nothing… I've just been having some trouble lately."
"Ahh, I see…" he mumbled as he tried to rub out a stain on the counter. "Does this have anything to do with girls, by any chance?"
"Uhh… actually, yeah!" he said hopefully, before suddenly frowning. "Wait… you were spying on me, weren't you?"
"Heh! Kinda hard NOT to when you're hitting on everybody walking through the door!"
"T-that's exaggerating!"
"Seriously? You were hitting on VITO ten minutes ago, kid! Face it! You got a problem!"
"-sigh- You're right…" he mumbled, hopping off of the stool and pacing towards the counter. "I've been trying to impress girls for WEEKS now and nothing's worked! My enticing vocabulary isn't cutting it, my supermodel physique hasn't worked at ALL, and my natural beauty? It's like I'm scaring them off instead of luring them in!"
"...Kid, do you even know what half of that stuff means?" Roberto asked, crossing his arms as he came out from behind the counter.
"Yes! Well… no, but you get the picture, Tio! I'm off of my game and I don't know what to do!"
Roberto did nothing but smile, and he kneeled down to make eye contact with his nephew.
"Well, luckily for you, kid, I've got QUITE a bit of experience with ladies…"
"-pfft! Yeah, right! You've had what, two whole girlfriends in your life?"
"Well… well, yeah... but still, much more than YOU'D ever DREAM of, kid…"
He gently poked his nephew in the chest with his finger, causing him to raise an eyebrow.
"You want to get back into that seductive mindset? Take MY advice. I can get you more women than you'd even BEGIN to imagine!"
Carl kept his eyebrow raised, slowly walking out of Robertos grip.
"Thanks, Roberto, but I don't think so… I don't think I need your help. Maybe someone I've known for more than a month could help instead..."
He was silent for a minute… and then, to Carl's surprise, Roberto began to LAUGH at that. So much, in fact, he was beginning to cry when he spoke next.
"Seriously, kid?!" He cried out, wiping a tear off of his cheek. "Who in this family is gonna help you? Your papa obviously ain't doing you any favors, Bobby's probably lucky to have the girl he has now, CJ is, well, CJ…
He slowed down to compose himself, standing up as he did.
"The point is, kid, I'm your best bet, kid. Take it or leave it."
He held out his hand for the young Casagrande to shake. Carl still wasn't too confident… but what Uncle Roberto had said was true. His dad and Bobby were lucky to have the girls they did, and CJ? He loved him, but…
Slowly and not to certain, he grabbed his uncles hand and shook it. A smile crept across Robertos face as he did.
"Perfect, kid… we start immediately!"
10 Minutes Later…
"Uhhh, Tio? Why does that mop have a face?"
"Kid, just call me Uncle Rob, would ya? I barely know any Spanish anymore…"
Roberto finished setting up his display as Carl sat on the bodega counter, looking on with great suspicion.
"Uhhh… okay, then? UNCLE ROB, why does that mop have a face?"
"Great question!" he said, slapping the pieces of rope on the bodegas mop. "THIS, my nephew, is Selena! Your new female target!"
Carl eyed Selena up and down, searching for something to complain about (as all 6 year olds do from time to time...)
"Why is her- IT'S name Selena?"
"Oh, kid… you've got a LOT of Latin music history to learn…" he chuckled. "Selena here is gonna be your test subject until you can actually flirt with a REAL woman!"
"But I do that already!" Carl said, standing up. "I talk to real women!"
"Well, yeah, true…" he admitted before correcting himself. "Selena here is gonna help you SUCCESSFULLY flirt with real women!"
"Oh, my… Uncle Rob, I'm not sure about this…"
"-sigh- Why?" he asked, hitting the strands of rope. "Kid, if you didn't already notice, this thing's a mop. It ain't gonna whap you upside the head like most girls would. I mean, you could literally say ANYTHING to her and she wouldn't react!"
He leaned over and whispered something into the mop before making a happy face.
"See? I just told her she was a piece of sh-err, crap, and nothing! Now your turn!"
Carl looked scared at first, but slowly he made his way off the stool and towards Selena.
"Alright, kid, give it your all! I believe in you!"
"Uhh…" he stuttered before gaining confidence. "Hola, baby girl! You're looking hotter than… uhh…"
HOOOOOOOONK!
Carl fell onto his back and clutched his ears tightly. Roberto stood over him, an airhorn in hand.
"EHHH! WRONG! Kid, you gotta stay off pickup lines!"
"U-UNCLE ROB?! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Uhh, helping you?" he stated matter of factly. "Carl, I gotta help you improve on the good and eliminate the bad! Pain is the easiest way to do that!"
Carl grumbled something that probably wouldn't make it past television censors and turned back to the mop, ready to try again…
3 Hours Later…
And again… and again…
"Oh, boy… Hola, woman… you look extremely-"
The airhorn went off again, but Carl ignored it. He had heard it so much in the past few hours he was immune to its noise.
"-good today. Do you want to go and… and…"
He collapsed into a snoring fit on the bodega floor, exhausted. Roberto, seeing the end, put his airhorn down on the counter and smiled.
"Perfect…"
Gently, he scooped up the young Casagrande and carried him outside, past the corner and to the apartment door. A few minutes later, Carl was peacefully resting in his own bed.
Roberto slowly exited the room and went to the living room, where Hector was watching a Dream Boat rerun.
"It's done, Hector. That boy won't be in the bodega for a good week or two."
"Oh, thank God!" the old man said, leaning back. "That boy has been scaring off every girl that comes in! How did you do it, kid?"
Roberto paused for a moment, trying to figure out the best way how to tell him he worked him out into submission.
"...Selena."
"...Selena?"
"Selena. Don't ask, just go with it."
After a second, Hector shrugged his shoulders and turned back to the show. Roberto joined him, nor noticing Maria walk in and sit next to him on the couch.
"Hola, papa. Hi, Roberto."
"Oh, hey Maria," he said plainly as he stayed glued to the TV. "How was work?"
"Good, good… I only had 20 ER patients today. A record low… you?"
"Ehh, I had to airhorn your nephew a few dozen times, but other than that, good…"
"That's good…"
Roberto couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable with the exchange. Maria hadn't been as concerned with how he was since they were married…
"Sooo…"
"So what?" He asked with a hint of worry.
"So I, umm… I got these reservations to dinner at a restaurant across town and I need someone to go with. Would you, umm… be interested? It's two weeks from this Saturday..."
THERE it was. The date invite. He KNEW it was coming, so how did it still catch him off guard?!
He was going to say no, of course… no way could he go on a date with his ex wife! What kind of example does THAT set?
But… but the way she asked. It was so… enticing. And not to mention she had moved her hand suspiciously close to his crotch...
"Yeah, sure. I'm not doing anything then…"
Maria smiled… smirked, actually.
"Ok, then. Mark your calender down, big guy."
"Oh, I will…"
They sat in silence for the rest of the show, each of then trying not to show their true feelings to the other…
And that ends this chapter. I know it ended kind of abruptly, but hey, it's what I do. This is the first chapter in a mini series featuring Roberto and the Casagrande family, leading up to the main story again. There will be some serious ones, and some not so serious ones. This was the latter.
Anyways, I have some great ideas for future fics. I'm thinking of doing the 1000th M rated TLH story special soon, as we're getting close to 1K lemon filled, gore drenched, loudcest orgy fanfics on this site. Fun stuff, indeed… I'm also thinking about a Stella × Girl Jordan fluff, which unfortunately wouldn't happen anytime soon unless I get a spark of mad genius. Don't worry, though: it WILL be happening. I just don't know when.
Another quick note for all yinz readers (don't mind the 'Yinz,' it's a PA dialouge) : I want you guys to check out "Love, Prejudice and the Law" by FenrirOfTheSith. I'm not so popular as to make shoutouts yet, but the story is really, REALLY good. It's about Luna getting pregnant, so if that ain't your thing, oh well… but it deals with serious topics and it's got a great OC. Give him some love in the reviews and tell him SizzlR sent you, alright? Thanks for reading, and I'll catch yinz on the flip side.