Chapter 2

Dreaming the Impossible Doesn't Make it Possible

The September air wasn't yet chilly enough to keep them inside during lunch. Remus followed his friends as they hurried outside after shoveling down their meal. There were other students who had done similarly and were scattered around the courtyard. Remus didn't say much as he perched himself on a low stone wall between James and Sirius.

"I'm telling you," Sirius said, "this summer was all about exploration and finding myself. I've never been more sure of who I am."

James laughed.

"He's been saying shit like this for more than a month," he said, hitting Remus lightly on the arm to get his attention.

From James' other side, Peter agreed.

"It started when he began seeing that girl."

"Girl?" Remus asked with one eyebrow raised. "There's a girl I don't know about?"

She hadn't been mentioned in their letters, and if she'd helped Sirius 'discover' himself, Remus should have heard of her before. At least once.

"There was no girl," Sirius insisted with a roll of his eyes.

He leaned in and pretended to whisper in Remus' ear.

"Prongs and Wormtail kept going on about me disappearing, and when I said there weren't girls, their next guess was that there was just one. As if I would keep a girlfriend a secret."

He pulled away, saying loudly to James and Peter, "You think I wouldn't introduce you if she existed?"

James' smirk didn't disappear.

"All I know is that you kept sneaking out at weird hours of the night and refused to tell Wormtail or me where you were going. What are we supposed to think you were up to?"

"That I was taking long, solitary walks where I thought about my place in the universe like I told you I was?"

Remus couldn't help but join in James' and Peter's laughter. The idea of Sirius going on walks in the middle of the night just to think deep thoughts was too absurd to be believed. Not long after it had begun, though, Remus' laughter died. Sirius frowned at them, not smirking in amusement as Remus would have expected him to be. James and Peter didn't notice, too caught up in their amusement, but suddenly, Remus wasn't amused anymore.

Sirius caught his eye, and Remus narrowed his eyes. The uncertainty on Sirius' face was an unusual look on the boy and one that Remus didn't know how to interpret, but it was quickly replaced by a familiar glint of mischief. Remus braced himself before he knew what was coming.

"We still don't know what McGonagall wants with Moony here, do we?" Sirius asked, wrapping an arm around Remus' shoulders and giving him a shake.

His usual smirk had returned at full force.

"Eh," James said, shrugging it off. Apparently he'd lost interest in the time between Transfiguration and lunch. "It's probably not a big deal. Maybe she just wants you to watch me, Moony. Make sure I'm doing my job as Head Boy and not planning pranks."

Remus could see why James would have come to that conclusion. Each time he'd been called upon to take up his Head Boy duties since the welcoming feast, he'd been hesitant about it, hinting at his underlying insecurity, but Remus didn't think that was McGonagall's plan at all.

"Who knows," he said, avoiding eye contact with his friends. "It could be anything."

The end of the day came faster than it did most school days. Putting one foot in front of the other on the way to McGonagall's office was difficult. It was tempting to turn around and start walking towards Gryffindor Tower instead.

If he wouldn't have had to face McGonagall eventually anyway, he'd probably have given in. As it was, he could picture her stern, disappointed face the next time she saw him, and he wouldn't dare put himself on the receiving end of it on purpose.

That didn't make knocking on her office door any easier. He felt like his insides were going to strangle themselves before he got inside, but he received her, "Come in," before his own internal organs managed the task.

His hand shook as he pushed the door open.

The inside of McGonagall's office was the same as it had been since Remus' first year. Not one thing had been rearranged as far as he could tell. He'd always had the impression that McGonagall wasn't one to embrace change for the sake of change.

The woman in question was seated at her desk and pouring over some documents. As it was only the first day of the year, Remus hoped they were her own notes and not an assignment of some kind, though McGonagall was one to fly back into work at full speed.

"Mr Lupin," she greeted him with a quick glance and as warm of a smile as Remus could hope to receive from the stern woman. "Do come in and have a seat."

She motioned to one of the two chairs sitting in front of her desk. They were hard chairs that were designed to make you feel how long you'd sat in them. Sirius swore they were meant to be part of the punishment, and all four Marauders had spent their fair share of time in them.

They never grew any more comfortable.

Just sitting down did more than expected to calm his nerves. McGonagall was a strict woman, but she'd always been kind to Remus. And despite what Sirius and James claimed, Remus swore she was secretly fond of the lot of them. Even when her punishments felt unduly harsh, Remus knew she believed she was doing good for them, which was more than he could say about some of their other professors.

Suddenly, he wondered why he'd been worried about meeting with her. At least he was for several seconds before she levelled him with her usual intense gaze and he remembered that it wasn't McGonagall herself who had him worked up.

He tried to look at her directly, but he found himself fidgeting. Her expression turned more sympathetic as she took in his demeanor.

"I assume you've guessed why I asked to speak with you?"

In response to his shrug, McGonagall nodded and shuffled the parchment resting on her desk as if she needed something to do with her hands.

"I council each of my students on their future careers. You know that. However, due to your unique circumstances, I thought it wise that we meet more than is typically necessary for students to make sure that nothing is overlooked."

Remus took a deep breath but didn't speak.

"I remember the last time we spoke about your future," she continued. "Have you given it any more thought over the summer?"

She already knew the answer, but Remus shook his head anyway.

He had given it plenty of thought, but said thinking hadn't led to any conclusions like the one McGonagall was looking for. He didn't think it would matter even if he'd found one. It wouldn't have changed the eventual outcome for him.

He heard McGonagall sigh, but he kept his gaze on the edge of her desk, unable to look her in the eye.

"I know you've had a very difficult last few months," she said.

She'd been this gentle only once before. It had been the day she'd told him that he could, of course, go home for a week to help his father prepare for his mother's funeral.

"No one should have to face what you've had to at your age, and it doesn't help that you're dealing with it at the same time that you have to make important decisions about your future. That said, Mr Lupin. I'm afraid we do only have so much time before you graduate, and decisions have to be made before then."

"Surely you've had other students who were as clueless as I am during their seventh year," Remus said, his annoyance getting the better of him. "Sirius was going on earlier today about how he has no idea what he wants to do, and he's been disowned. It's not like he's going to have any money to help him like James will."

It was quiet for a few moments, and Remus risked a glance at McGonagall, some of his anger dissipating when he saw the concerned crease between her eyebrows and the way her lips were downturned. There were more lines on her face than there were when she was in disciplining mode.

"Be that as it may," she said, her voice tight, "your case is more unique than Mr Black's."

There was silence for a second before she added, "He is likely beyond my help on the career front anyway."

The comment managed to elicit a small grin from Remus, and McGonagall returned it before regaining to her usual strict expression. She picked up one of her pieces of parchment and straightened her shoulders.

"I've spent the summer contacting various businesses and people I know about your wonderful academic performance," she began.

Remus' eyes widened in surprise. Merlin knew he hadn't been contacting businesses all summer. He hadn't even been reading the classifieds in the Prophet since he'd glanced over them once and found the exercise too distressing to repeat.

"How's that going?"

His fears were confirmed when McGonagall sighed and averted her eyes from his. For the previous six years, McGonagall had been the most constant, reassuring presence at Hogwarts outside of his friends and, perhaps, Madame Pomfrey. Seeing her unsure of herself made Remus feel more hopeless than before.

"You are very talented, Mr Lupin. There are many jobs for which you would undoubtedly be suited. You're skilled at Transfiguration and Charms. Professor Sprout has informed me that your Herbology skills are at least decent enough that you could make it in the field if you truly applied yourself to the subject. In every subject that you'll be taking your N.E.W.T.s in, your professors expect you to earn at least an Acceptable.

"I can't say that for all of my students," she added. "That being said, performing well in a subject does not necessarily mean you want to work in that field for the rest of your life. Just three years ago I had a student who was remarkably proficient in Transfiguration. Unfortunately, she decided her purpose in life was to be part of the bureaucracy of the Ministry, hardly using her wand for more than sending off memos to other departments."

Remus nodded when she looked at him, not sure what response she wanted from him. He certainly wasn't going to disappoint her by going off to the Ministry. He didn't dare entertain the notion that he'd be welcome there.

"I know your proclivities are with Defense Against the Dark Arts," McGonagall continued, grinning slightly. "I have to admit that I'm impressed. Your education in that field has faced so much upheaval that it's remarkable you've grown to love it. Not many do these days."

"It feels important," Remus admitted. "Even when I had to listen to Professor Perold go on about werewolves while glaring at me all through class during third year, I still felt like it was stuff I needed to know. Well, everything but the werewolf horror stories."

McGonagall cringed, remembering the old man who had never liked any of his students.

"Yes," she said, "I certainly wasn't sorry to see him go."

After a second of thought, she added, "Don't tell any other students I said that."

Remus mimed zipping his lips and throwing away the key, which earned a small smile from McGonagall.

"Have you met Professor Clement yet?" she asked. "No, no," she hastily added. "Your first lesson with her is tomorrow, correct?"

Remus nodded, trying to discern from her voice whether he should be worried or excited. It was always a toss up when it came to the new Defense professors, and she wasn't giving him much to go on.

"There's much work to be found in the Defense field," McGonagall continued, "if you wish to go in that direction. I'll speak to Professor Clement about your options. I'm sure she could come up with far more than I, having spent so many of her working years outside of academia."

"With all due respect, Professor, most of the jobs that value skills in Defense are full of people with a particular loathing for werewolves."

McGonagall grimaced.

"I'd be remiss if I led you to believe you're wrong," she said slowly. "However, I also believe I'd be failing you as a teacher if I told you that was a reason not to chase after what you want."

Remus shifted in his seat, trying to sort out his conflicted thoughts.

"I don't think I do want it. Not enough to deal with their prejudice every day."

He fiddled with the sleeves of his robes.

"I realize I can't get away from it completely," he continued, "but maybe I could try something where my co-workers aren't experts on dark creatures?"

McGonagall observed him for a second before giving a short, decisive nod.

"Very well. That's not a terrible idea."

Despite her answer, her frown suggested that the decision disappointed her. Remus wasn't an idiot, and being constantly derided for who he was had actually made him quite good at identifying what he was good at. McGonagall had recognized his strengths too, and he had no doubt she would have fought tooth and nail to see him succeed at using them. If he would have let her.

But not even an angry McGonagall could cow wizarding society the way she could a classroom of teenagers. Perhaps it was that knowledge that led Remus to admit what he had avoided saying out loud, even to himself.

"I'd really like teaching," He kept his eyes averted to his lap. "But that wouldn't be possible. Professor Dumbledore doesn't hire people right out of Hogwarts. I'd need more experience first, and parents would be outraged. Besides, it's not like I could keep the Defense job long, could I?"

He braved a glance at McGonagall's face and took in her furrowed brow and downturned mouth.

"I'm not sure how many true Defense experts there are in Britain who haven't taken the job," she admitted, "but at any rate, you're correct that Professor Dumbledore would prefer a professor who is at least a few years older than the students they're teaching. That doesn't mean you shouldn't make it your goal for the future."

Remus nodded, but he knew that that was exactly what it meant. He needed to survive, but no job he could get would set him on track to become a qualified professor. The worst part was perhaps that Dumbledore was one of the only wizards in Britain who could have seen "werewolf" written on his application and not have hesitated to hire him.

"Mr Lupin," McGonagall began, a new sense of purpose in her voice, "I will get you on track to be the finest Defense professor that Hogwarts has seen for at least the last decade. The world is large, and Defense has a wide array of diversity in its career options. We will find a place for you."

Remus gave her the smile and nod that she wanted, but he wasn't convinced.

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