Chapter 3

Don't Pretend You Don't Have Secrets

For the past six years, the library had been the most reliable way Remus had of avoiding his friends. Anywhere else in the castle, they would track him down and pester him, but when he was in the library, he was left alone. Not because they couldn't find him but because they had no interest in sitting around, bored, while he did his homework.

They preferred to do their own studying in the common room, where they could easily become distracted and take longer than needed to complete assignments.

It didn't help that Madam Pince was no fan of the other Marauders. She hadn't forgotten the time Sirius spilt hot chocolate on one of her precious tomes in his second year, even if the damage had been quickly remedied with a wave of her wand.

When he came to the library, Remus expected to have time to himself. He'd set himself up in his usual corner and work until he was ready to interact with other people again.

His chosen table was large enough for him to lay out several books and still have the space to scribble on his parchment. A candle flickered above him, giving him a sense of serenity. He was truly in his happy place when he could be like this: flipping through books, learning, and consolidating that knowledge into something of his own.

He hadn't been lying when he'd told McGonagall that he'd have enjoyed being a professor. There was something about the transfer of knowledge, whether it was from a book to his mind or from his mind to the minds of others, that he found thrilling. Before arriving at Hogwarts, he'd had suspicions that he'd be sorted into Ravenclaw, but he wouldn't have traded Gryffindor for anything.

Movement caught his eye, and Remus looked up to find Lily consulting the spines of some books on a nearby shelf.

In the several days they'd been back at Hogwarts, he hadn't gotten the chance to speak with her. They'd been friends for years, but though they'd become closer after both being named prefects, they didn't speak as much as Remus would have liked. It was difficult to spend much time with someone who hated your best friends.

He knew which category of books she was looking through.

"The Transfiguration essay?" he asked, making her turn to look at him with a small grin.

She nodded, throwing a pointed look at the five books he had stacked on his table.

"Did you take everything on large mammal transfiguration?" she asked in an accusing voice that was, nonetheless, amused.

"Maybe," he said, pretending to be remorseful.

Lily's stern expression broke as she gave a short laugh. Remus motioned towards the chair across from him.

"We can share," he offered.

She settled in without protest, pulling a quill and parchment from her bag before depositing it on the floor. She pulled one of the books that Remus didn't have open towards herself and began flipping through to find the relevant pages.

They worked in silence for several minutes before Remus noticed the way Lily's eyes kept flickering towards him before she refocused on the page. He slowly lifted his head after catching the fifth such look. Lily felt his gaze and glanced up again, this time sheepishly.

"What is it?" he asked, feeling the familiar dread in his stomach that he got whenever someone acted nervous around him. He always suspected that it was the worst, and Lily was plenty smart enough to have caught on to his secret after six years.

She fiddled with the quill in her hands, looking down at the yellowed pages of the book she'd been reading instead of at Remus.

"It's nothing," she said. "It's only that I've been thinking a lot over the past few days, and, well… Never mind. It really is nothing."

"No," he pressed. "What is it?"

With a resigned sigh, Lily sat down her quill, careful not to get ink on her essay. She forced a small, nervous smile onto her lips.

"I've had to talk to James for three days straight."

Remus cringed.

"Sorry about that."

James had been joyful to the point of absurdity over the past several days, and Remus knew it was because of Lily's influence. He didn't dare reveal that to her.

"You shouldn't apologize on his behalf," she joked. "But I'm not mentioning it because James did anything wrong, actually."

Remus raised an eyebrow.

"It's been three days, and he hasn't said anything wrong?"

Lily shrugged, sticking out her bottom lip slightly as she thought.

"It hit me today that I've never talked to him this much before," she admitted. "Not for so long and definitely not alone. He's...interesting when he's not in front of a crowd."

Remus snorted.

"It definitely helps when there are fewer people for him to show off for. You can also decrease his obnoxiousness by half if you get him away from Sirius."

Lily's smile turned into a smirk.

"I should have figured that much out for myself."

Remus hummed in agreement, which was enough to make Lily giggle.

"So," he said, "he really hasn't done anything too annoying?"

"Not too much," she said. "I think he's trying very hard not to. It's nice to watch him think before he speaks. It's more silence than I'm used to from a guy who never used to shut up."

"Are you planning to ask me if it's all an elaborate ruse to win you over?" he asked.

Lily looked indecisive for a moment before she shrugged. Remus gave a short laugh.

"If he has an elaborate plan, he hasn't shared it with me," he told her. "There's no doubt in my mind that he's trying to impress you, but it's not like he's lying about anything. You've always seen the worst in him, and I don't blame you, but his intentions are good. He's just absolutely terrible at the execution. Not that it excuses him. I think it's good that you hold him accountable."

Lily sighed and rolled her eyes.

"He's getting better though," Remus added. "By some miracle, he seems to finally be catching on. You said yourself that he's not as annoying anymore.

"No," she said slowly. "He's not."

She tapped her quill against her parchment, not noticing as it splattered ink across her essay.

"But I can't forget everything he's said in the past. Everything he's done."

She chewed on her bottom lip for a second before continuing.

"I don't want to forgive him."

Her eyes had narrowed, and Remus leant back in his chair.

"I'd never ask you to forgive him," he said. "That's your choice, not something anyone can make you do."

Lily gave an absent-minded nod, but Remus wasn't sure that she'd even heard him.

"My friends all adore him. I tried talking to them about it and just got excited squeals about how I should go out with him. Why is it that you, one of his best friends, are the only one who seems to get it?"

Remus snorted.

"Maybe it's because I'm his best friend that I get it."

Lily smirked, one eyebrow rising dangerously.

"So you're telling me he's a prick?"

Remus knew it was mostly a joke, but he couldn't bring himself to let it go so far.

"He's not perfect," he said. "His heart's in the right place most of the time, but he screws up and can be a lot to take. Spending time with him can definitely test your patience."

"If nothing else," Lily said, "that last part is definitely true."

Remus nearly jumped out of his skin when Sirius appeared around the corner out of nowhere while he was walking down the corridor. Holding one hand over his chest, he glared at the laughing face of his best friend. As Sirius took to mocking him, Remus took in the other boy's disheveled robes and hair.

"What have you been doing?" he asked suspiciously, causing Sirius' laughter to die on his lips. "You look like you rolled out of bed and didn't even try to do anything with your hair."

Sirius wasn't as particular about his hair as James tried to be, but Sirius' hair also didn't usually stick out at odd angles like James' did.

"I'm wide awake, thank you," Sirius replied, clearing his throat.

Remus waited for Sirius to offer a further explanation. When he didn't, his eyes narrowed.

He glanced around to make sure they were alone before whispering, "Sirius, the last time you were this secretive, I nearly killed Snape, so can you please give me something to go off of here?"

The reminder of the near tragedy of fifth year made sadness flicker in Sirius' eye. He ran a hand through his hair self-consciously, and unsuccessfully tried to sort it out.

"I was just with a friend," he said, throwing Remus a self-satisfied smirk.

Remus rolled his eyes.

"That's all you're giving me?" he asked suspiciously. "It's not like it's the first time I've found you wandering around under suspicious circumstances. You've never hesitated to offer up information before, even after I was made a prefect."

Sirius shrugged, turning from Remus to begin walking in the direction of the common room. Remus followed him.

"Maybe I'm maturing," Sirius said. "I'm learning how to have a private life. As it turns out, some would rather I not blabber on about what we get up to."

"Would they?" Remus replied with a smirk. "I'm impressed. It only took how many angry girls in your past for you to learn that lesson?"

There was a flash of an emotion in Sirius' eyes again, too quick for Remus to analyze, and his jaw tightened.

"I don't think those past girls taught me much of anything," he said.

"So the current one then?" Remus asked, watching Sirius with a keen eye.

Sirius shrugged.

"I'm a changed man, remember? You'll have to live with the mystery, Moony. My lips are sealed."

Remus considered pushing him further to try to get more out of him, but something told him the attempt wouldn't be successful. Instead, he changed the subject.

"I just spoke to Lily in the library."

"And what did the lovely Miss Evans have to say?"

For all his attempts at disinterest, his eyes were sharp as they waited for Remus to recount the story.

"Not much," Remus admitted. "But I think James might have figured out how to not be a complete and utter idiot around her, and she's noticed."

Sirius gave a loud laugh, and Remus glanced around, hoping no one had been around to witness it. The last thing he wanted was for Sirius to make some comment that got back to Lily and angered her.

"Go, Prongs!" Sirius cheered. "I was starting to wonder if the day would come. Look at him now. They'll be dating by the end of term."

Remus held up a cautioning hand.

"Don't get too excited. She seemed more confused by it than madly in love."

Sirius shrugged.

"Prongs is fantastic. Once he stops stumbling through every interaction he has with her, she'll catch on to that. Or she won't, and Prongs will have to move on. But James has a good heart, so I'm holding out hope for him. It's been months since we last jinxed Snivellus even if you don't count the summer. We're really growing up, Moony."

Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius threw an arm around his shoulders, but he didn't pull away as Sirius stayed wrapped around him for the rest of their walk to Gryffindor Tower.

It was too early for most students to be awake. Remus rubbed at his eyes as he walked towards the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall.

He wasn't sure why he was up. All night, he'd tossed and turned with the usual restlessness he felt in the days leading to the full moon. As soon as he'd known breakfast was being served, he'd pushed himself out of bed, thinking he might lose his mind if he laid there a second longer. But once he was walking around, he missed his bed.

His only plan had been to get coffee into his system as quickly as possible. Lily certainly hadn't been on his mind, but she was there, an untouched stack of toast in front of her as she scowled at a letter that had apparently arrived more than an hour before the typical morning post.

Remus took a seat across from her, reaching for the nearest coffee pot.

"Parents?" he asked.

Lily blinked at him several times before she processed what he'd asked.

"Oh, no. It's from Marlene."

Remus nodded. Marlene McKinnon had been one of Lily's closest friends, but she'd graduated the year before.

"How is she?" he asked. "I don't have a clue what she's doing."

His words made Lily's frown deepen.

"To tell you the truth, neither do I."

When Remus raised a questioning eyebrow, she held the letter out to him.

"She's been so busy that she's hardly answered my letters. This one came late last night. The owl woke me up."

Remus scanned the letter. For the most part, it was little more than the generic one of someone inquiring about their friend's well being. There was little personal about it, and it took a few moments for Remus to figure out that that was exactly what Lily found strange about it.

"You think she's keeping something from you?"

Lily's simultaneous grimace and shrug contradicted each other.

"Maybe it's nothing," Remus said. "'Maybe she's busy."

"Yeah, maybe," Lily said with a sigh, taking the letter back and folding it neatly into its envelope. "I hope that's all it is, but it's not like she's ever had a problem sharing her troubles with me before."

Remus took a sip of his coffee, wishing he knew how to soften the creases in Lily's forehead.

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