Word count: 3,767

Chapter 18

Glimmers of Hope

Sirius actually left Remus alone for the most part during the two weeks that led to his birthday. Remus knew his friends were planning something. None of them were around as much as than usual, and he particularly missed Sirius bothering him while he tried to study, not that he would ever admit as much. There was little he could do to convince them not to throw a party though, so he kept studying, making good use of the time alone.

When he walked into the common room on the Friday evening of his birthday to shouts of 'Surprise!', he thanked everyone like he was supposed to and promptly found a quieter place to sit while everyone else poured themselves drinks.

Every member of Gryffindor House had been invited by consequence of using the common room, and the place was lively. The first years in particular were thrilled to be caught up in the excitement, and the older students relished having an excuse not to study.

With a sigh, Remus settled back in his seat. Few of the people there cared much that it was his birthday. He hardly spoke to most of them.

He'd only been sitting down for a few seconds when Lily and James appeared and took up the rest of the couch Remus had claimed as his own.

"Okay?" James asked, nudging Remus' shoulder.

Remus offered him a small smile and nodded.

"Yeah, it's just," he motioned around the heavily decorated room, "a lot to take in."

There were streamers and balloon. On the tables, party poppers sat waiting to be used by the most enthusiastic of students. Remus dreaded thinking what the common room would look like by the time the party was over.

James and Lily shared a worried look that left Remus exhausted already. He hadn't meant to make them upset.

"That's not to say it's bad," he hurried to add. "It's a nice party."

His attempts did nothing to make them look assured.

"I wanted something smaller," James said. "I thought you'd appreciate that better. Things like we've done in the past, you know? But Sirius thought you deserved a big party for your last at Hogwarts. He wouldn't settle for anything less."

"Sounds like Sirius," Remus said, a genuine smile taking over his face.

Lily laughed.

"It does," she said. "He was very particular about every little detail. You should have seen him. We couldn't do anything without him approving it first. The drinks, the music, the cake. He had a hand in everything. I didn't know Sirius could devote energy to planning something."

James and Remus both laughed, with James throwing his head back in amusement.

"Sirius has always planned things," James said once he could speak again. "Who do you think was the mastermind behind all the trouble we got up to."

Lily frowned, tapping her fingers against the armrest of the couch in thought.

"To be honest, I considered him to be more of the idea guy. I figured the two of you worked out most of the details."

There was more laughter.

"Sirius drags us along for everything," Remus said. "Not even James has a say in a lot of it."

"But I'm usually much more willing to be dragged along than Remus is."

Remus glared at James for before continuing to speak.

"Sirius plans everything. I think he gets a kick out of seeing something he pictured in his head actually happening. Look at him now."

He pointed at Sirius across the room. It took James and Lily a few seconds to locate his position despite Remus' finger. Sirius was talking to a few sixth years near the enchanted record player they'd set up to blast the latest rock music into the room. There was no telling what the group was discussing, but Sirius was animated, waving his hands around as he spoke.

"All of our craziest ideas were his, and they'd have never become reality if Sirius hadn't pushed for them," James said, breaking Remus' focus on Sirius.

"What's the craziest thing Sirius has every planned then?" Lily asked.

She pulled her legs up on the couch and leaned closer as if preparing for an epic tale. James lit up at the chance to share his escapades with Lily without her glaring at him in disapproval or scolding him for his actions.

"You know about most of them. Charming the boys' bathroom on the first floor to announce what everyone did in the stall. Enchanting the Fat Lady to speak only in rhymes."

"I remember that!" Lily exclaimed. "She wouldn't let him in the common room for weeks after he did that to her. He had to wait for someone else to come along and rush in behind them before she could swing herself closed."

She collapsed against the couch in giggles, and Remus couldn't help but think of when the prank had happened. Lily had been one of the students who had refused to let Sirius rush in behind her when she found him in the corridor.

James glowed under the positive attention. Remus stayed quiet and watched the two of them as they leaned closer and laughed as if sharing secrets. Their happiness with each other was contagious. Remus' cheeks stung from the large smile he couldn't get rid of as he listened to James tell story after story from their years of friendship and Lily soaked it in, laughing and asking questions at all the right parts.

"Sirius' greatest plan was definitely when we were in second year though," James began.

Remus held his breath. Sirius' greatest plan, they had all decided, was for the boys to become animagi, but James couldn't be about to reveal that. Not in the middle of the common room and not when Remus had yet to tell Lily that he was a werewolf.

James realized as much a split second later. His smile fell, and he held his hands awkwardly in the air from where he'd been gesturing enthusiastically.

"What did he come up with in second year then?" Lily asked, eyes narrowing as she observed the way James and Remus had suddenly grown stiff.

Remus could no longer look in her direction.

"Hello, my lovely friends!"

Sirius appeared as if he'd been listening to their conversation and knew just when to interrupt. Perhaps he had. Remus had been so engrossed in the stories that he'd lost track of Sirius' movements around the party. The boy in question squeezed himself into what little space there was between Lily and James on the couch, throwing an arm around each of them.

"Lily, have I told you that I'm gay?"

Lily stared at him for a few seconds. It was long enough of a pause that Remus' stomach tightened, but Sirius' smile remained frozen in place as Lily processed the confession.

"No, you hadn't," she said, voice shaking slightly. "It hadn't come up."

"Oh, well, I am," he said. "I figured you should know, what with you and Prongs and all."

He motioned between Lily and James with his head before patting the both of them on their shoulders and pulling them closer as if they were hugging.

"Well, thanks for telling me."

Much of the tension in Lily's voice had been replaced with amusement, and Remus smiled at the picture Sirius made squeezed between the couple. Sirius gave a laugh, ruffled James' hair, placed a kiss on Lily's cheek, and stood up.

"You're quite welcome, Lils."

With a dramatic flourish, Sirius took a mere two steps and dramatically fell to the couch again, this time half on Remus' lap. Remus' stomach dropped. He reached out to grab Sirius around the waist, worried he might tumble off the couch, but he shouldn't have worried. Seconds later, Sirius had his arms wrapped around him too.

"Happy birthday, Moony! I've been neglecting you. I'm sorry."

Remus shifted under the weight of the other boy.

"Hmmm. Have you?" he asked, voice trembling in a way that left him unable to look at James or Lily.

He was sure his cheeks were changing colour, and he averted his eyes downward until he realized that only meant seeing more of Sirius. With a gulp, he looked up again, his whole body squirming at the intense, amused look in Sirius' eyes.

Without a word, Sirius got off his lap and took a seat in the armchair next to the couch instead. He chose not to comment on what had just transpired between them despite Remus hardly being able to breathe. His attention was so narrowly focused on Sirius that he was no longer thinking about what James and Lily might think of what was happening.

"I have," Sirius continued, and it took Remus a moment to catch up with what they were talking about. "People kept needing me."

He pouted.

"All I wanted was to celebrate my best mate's birthday with him—"

"Excuse me," James said. "Since when is Remus your best mate?"

Sirius turned to James with a bored look on his face. He waved his hand through the air.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Have you decided to spend time with me instead of sneaking off to snog Lily for once?"

James stared back, unable to come up with a response as he tried to think back on how much time he had actually spent snogging Lily instead of being with his friends. Remus couldn't blame him for being a little surprised. Sirius' voice had contained just enough venom that it wasn't immediately clear if he was joking or not. Remus knew Sirius was enjoying making James squirm a little.

"He's just joking, Prongs," Remus said slowly.

"Am I? I didn't realize."

Remus glared at Sirius, who offered him a shrug and smirk in return.

"It's fine, Moony," James said with a laugh, giving Remus a side hug. "I was only joking too."

Remus tried to smile, but he couldn't. He glanced back at Sirius, making eye contact, and something about the look in Sirius' eye, complete with a smirk, left his stomach in knots.

Once Remus' birthday was out of the way, Sirius was back to annoying Remus with a vengeance as, once again, James and Peter were distracted by their girlfriends.

"It's not that no one wants to date me. It's that no guy here is brave enough to date me publicly."

Remus, who had been trying to focus on his homework instead of Sirius' ranting, couldn't help but perk up at that.

"You think there are other guys who are gay at Hogwarts?"

Sirius laughed, stretching out where he was laying on his bed and making his shirt ride up to reveal a strip of skin. Remus used all of his willpower to look at the other boy's face.

"Gay. Bisexual. Not straight," Sirius said, waving his hand through the air. "The short answer is yes."

Remus couldn't stop his eyes from widening at the thought, and Sirius laughed.

"We need to work on your gay education, Remus. Lesson 1: Gay people are everywhere. Don't listen to the straights."

Even as he rolled his eyes, Remus felt a blush rising to his cheeks.

"I'm catching on," he muttered.

When Sirius laughed again, Remus balled up a piece of parchment and threw it at him. Turning himself around where he was sitting on his bed, he tried to get back to his homework.

"I'm sorry, Moony."

Sirius came around Remus' bed, appearing on the other side where Remus could see him. Remus was tempted to turn around again but settled for glaring as Sirius sat down cross-legged in front of him.

"Who's secretly gay then?" Remus asked. "I assume you have theories."

Sirius' silent smirk was no less amused than his laughter had been.

"Where's the fun in telling you? If we're going to play this game, you have to at least guess first."

Remus stared at Sirius for a few moments, unable to do anything but blink. There was no way he was going to win such a game. Aside from the fact that he had never paid attention to whether anyone around him might be gay, he doubted he'd have noticed anything even if he had been looking for it. He had no idea what he was meant to be looking for.

"The answer's probably a lot closer than you think," Sirius said, still smirking in a way that made Remus squirm.

Remus couldn't stop his eyes from travelling towards the other beds in their dormitory, his mind trying to connect the dots that Sirius was providing him with.

"No," Sirius said with a roll of his eyes, almost as if he were disappointed.

"Padfoot, I have no idea, and I don't care enough to play this game."

Sirius pouted, and for a second, Remus thought he'd give up and just tell Remus whatever it was he wanted him to realize on his own. A second later, Remus forced himself to look away, shaking his head as he tried to remember what he'd been writing in his notes.

Wasting no time, Sirius tugged the parchment from his grip, tearing it slightly.

"Padfoot! Do you know how long I've been working on that!?"

A quick wave to Sirius' wand restored the parchment to its former state, but it didn't get rid of Remus' annoyance. Sirius' grin fell slightly at his friend's glare, but he recovered quickly, scooting closer to Remus on the bed.

Remus' body reacted in the ways he expected it to, the ways he couldn't explain or perhaps didn't want to. His blood surged through his veins, and he sucked in a shallow breath, hating the way Sirius' grin was back in full force.

They were so close together that Remus could feel Sirius' breath against his skin.

"The person I'm talking about is a lot closer than the other beds."

Remus was gasping for air, only partially aware of what Sirius was doing right in front of him. He had pulled away to give Remus space. The bed shifting pulled Remus back to reality, and he realized a split second later that Sirius was leaving him behind in the dormitory.

"Wait."

Sirius froze, still facing the door, as if Remus had pushed a button that controlled his movements. The idea of it sent shivers down Remus' spine.

"Do you mean it?" he asked Sirius' back.

Though Sirius turned towards him again, his movements were agonizingly slow.

"My answer to that isn't what makes a difference here, Remus."

The truth of it surprised him more than anything else had. He stared at Sirius, and Sirius looked back with more patience than Remus had ever experienced from him. He kept one eyebrow raised while he waited for Remus to give him an indication of what he should do next.

When Remus stood from the bed, he saw Sirius' breath catch in his throat, and the knowledge that he could have that effect was invigorating.

There wasn't much space between them, but that didn't stop him from feeling as if he were travelling to the moon and back as he closed the distance.

"Sometimes, when you look at me, I feel a little sick."

The comment didn't have the effect Remus had been hoping for. Sirius snorted, breaking some of the tension that had formed between them. Remus was thankful for it even as his embarrassment made another appearance.

"Are you trying to flirt with me, Moony? Because, if so, you're doing a terrible job of it."

"I'm not flirting," Remus muttered, though he thought he might have been. He wasn't sure anymore what he was doing. "What I meant was that my body feels weird around you sometimes, especially my stomach."

There was more laughter from Sirius.

"You're really bad at this. Good thing you're attractive as fuck, Moony."

The comment made Remus freeze again. A swirl of emotions travelled through him as he tried to process it.

"Really?" he asked.

Sirius smirked, and Remus no longer felt annoyed at how much the other boy was enjoying this. There were too many other sensations filling him from his head to his toes. He'd never felt anything like it, and he couldn't make sense of it. There was too much happening inside him.

His brain seemed to be malfunctioning as Sirius stepped closer, and Remus could do little but gasp a split second before Sirius' lips touched his own.

HIs body erupted with sensations that paled in comparison to what he'd been feeling moments before. After spending years avoiding relationships for others' own good, Remus had little knowledge of how to kiss someone, but Sirius didn't have that problem. And Remus was abundantly thankful that Sirius knew of his cluelessness and was entirely unbothered by it. He guided Remus though the kiss with determination.

Not knowing what to do with his hands, Remus brought them to rest on Sirius' chest, but Sirius wasn't content with that himself as he let his hands explore Remus' body, fire erupting wherever he touched.

Remus had been daydreaming about his first kiss for years, with his dreams ranging from more innocent to less innocent than how it was turning out to be. He had expected it to be overwhelming having someone else so close.

At times, he'd had fantasies about his first kiss being with a guy; at other times, it had been girls. The dreams had featured Sirius in the starring role for a lot longer than he cared to admit, though he had never allowed himself to entertain the thought of it becoming a reality. Aside from the fact that Sirius was another boy, he was Remus' best friend.

If something went wrong between them, Remus had no idea what that would mean, but that didn't feel like it mattered when Sirius was there and making it clear that he didn't want it to matter.

It would have been easier to never pull away. Remus was sure that he would have kissed Sirius for the rest of his life if he could. He would have had few complaints, but that wasn't reality.

They did eventually pull away, and as Remus' mind cleared, he began to worry about what came next.

"So, that hunch is confirmed then," Sirius said, his hands coming to rest on Remus' waist.

If he weren't still on somewhat of a high, Remus would have pulled away from Sirius at that out of protest. As it was, he settled on an unconvincing glare that only got overjoyed laughter as a response. Remus couldn't help but laugh too.

"Was I really that obvious?"

Sirius rested his forehead against Remus', and Remus felt his anxiety over the potential ruin of their friendship dissipate.

"Surely not to the straight people that surround us," Sirius assured him.

"Are there actually other people you think aren't straight or was it always just me?"

Sirius laughed, and Remus took his distraction as an opportunity to tug him closer. Sirius had no reservations about aligning their bodies.

"I do have other suspicions, but none as strong. And none of them that I cared to learn the truth of anywhere near as much."

"How long?"

"How long have I suspected you weren't straight?"

Remus nodded. Sirius pressed a kiss to his cheek, and Remus blushed, averting his gaze until Sirius tilted his chin up.

"Since before I came out," he admitted. "But I thought it was just wishful thinking at first. It wasn't until after I came out that I thought maybe I was actually on to something."

Remus couldn't help but laugh.

"Well, yeah, because that was the first time I realized I had any sort of chance too. But mind you, I still didn't think it was much of a chance. To be honest, I wasn't even sure what I was feeling for you meant until you kissed me. Now it seems kind of stupid that I couldn't piece it together before."

Sirius' smirk was back. He guided Remus backward until the back of his legs hit the bed, forcing him to sit down, and he quickly straddled Remus before Remus could panic from nerves. Remus knew he must have made for an embarrassing picture, cheeks red and pupils dilated as he stared up at Sirius with his mouth agape.

Knowing that didn't help him regain his composure.

"You didn't think you had much of a chance? Really, Moony?"

It was easier to stare at Sirius' chest than his face, though any part of him was more of a distraction than Remus needed as he tried to make sense of what his brain was telling him.

"Sorry," he said, though he wasn't sure that Sirius was looking for an apology. "But most people have rules against dating their best friends, don't they? And I'm a werewolf with no hope in the future on top of that."

It was the most honest Remus had been with any of the other Marauders about his future, and Sirius went from amused to concerned in record time. Remus felt him stiffen as he continued to stare at his chest.

When the silence had become too much to bear, he chanced making eye contact. There was a fire in Sirius' grey eyes that caught Remus off guard. Before he could defend his choice of words, Sirius pressed into him, making them fall back onto the bed. Remus fell into the kiss easily, forgetting what he'd said. Sirius hadn't forgotten though.

He pulled away too quickly with the fire still in his eyes as he spoke.

"I've been angry at myself for months because there's not a job in this world that feels worth doing to me, and all along, you've been silently thinking you have no future."

Though he knew Sirius wasn't angry at him, he still felt a little like he was being scolded.

"Can you blame me? You know what's happening as well as I do. I'm never going to find a job when You-Know-Who's making it harder for anyone but pureblooded witches and wizards to get hired every day."

"That doesn't mean you have no future. That means we fight, and when he war is over, you'll show the entire wizarding world what you're capable of."

Remus desperately wanted to believe that as much as Sirius seemed to.

"I'm telling you, Sirius, being my friend is already a monumentally bad idea. Being more than that is only worse for you in the end."

"Fuck that," Sirius growled, covering Remus' lips with his own.

It would be nearly an hour before Remus could say anything more.