She's at a loss, everything just fell apart at the same time.
What a string of bad luck, Diana thinks, she feels out of place, out of sync with her own self. She can't seem to concentrate on the books in front of her, books she needed to read in order to be able to retain the information she needed in order to take all the quizzes and tests she had to make up for once she returned back to school.
She's only a good half hour into her studying when she realizes that she can't retain anything she's reading, she finds her eyes going over the same words a few times and soon finds that her mind isn't exactly registering them properly. She's lost.
Diana growls in annoyance and simply slams the book shut on her desk, she sits back in her chair and just sits there, in the silence of her room. It almost feels ominous.
"Damn it.", Diana says to herself, she looks up to her ceiling and closes her eyes, she could hear her own heart beginning to thump in her ears, "Why'd you have to go and do that, Akko.", She whispers softly, she feels an aching feeling in her chest, she brings her hand up to her chest and clutches at the front of her shirt. She feels her cheeks beginning to warm up along with the tips of her ears.
She can't help but think about Akko, it's almost to the point of obsessive. Her mind couldn't help but wander over to the brunette's last words to her, And just what exactly those words had done to her.
"Akko?", Lotte spoke softly from her desk.
"I don't think she wants to talk right now, Lotte, we can try again tomorrow.", Sucy said as she began to slip into her bed. She took note of Akko's silence.
Lotte wore a concerned look, her eyes scanning over Akko's stiff, still, curled up form.
"I guess.", Lotte says reluctantly, she sighed softly, a sad expression on her face, she felt oddly sad seeing Akko suddenly change, she very much liked the hyperactive witch, even if she did screw things up or be clumsy enough to trip around over things. All that happiness and energy was what made Akko such a ball of light.
Sucy sighed out heavily as she turned her body in the bed and faced the wall, "One way or another you'll open up, Akko.", the witch said loud enough for the words to reach the brunette.
Lotte got up from her chair and began to make her way to the bed, she gave Akko's back one last look before climbing the steps of the bunk, she slowly slipped into the bed, "Good night, girls.", she whispered.
As both the witches began to slip into sleep, Akko began to shift into a laying position, she faced the underneath of Lotte's bed. She knew her roommates wouldn't let this go, that they'd keep digging into what was bothering her, and eventually they'd find out. She trusted them, Lotte was nice and understanding, and while Sucy was evil and merciless when it came to experimenting potions and spells on her, Sucy was nice deep down...really deep down.
She had nothing to worry about when it came to her roommates.
She knew deep down that if she shared what was happening to her with Lotte and Sucy, they'd help her.
So why wasn't she opening up?
Why did she feel the need to close up and just distance herself?
Akko felt tears run down the sides of her head, she swallowed thickly as she forced herself to swallow her sobs. She closed her eyes and tried to clear her mind. She felt her heart throbbing painfully in her chest, aching.
God, she hated this.
She should have just kept her mouth shut.
Diana grumbles irritatedly, she tosses and turns in her bed, she feels uncomfortable no matter what position she shifts into, and because of this she finds herself still up at such a late hour.
It's just so…
Diana releases a heavy sigh and finally sits up after a few more minutes of futilely trying to force herself to sleep. She curls up and bring her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them, she huffs and buries her face into her knee, the softness of her sheets usually helped ease her whenever she'd been home, she had always fell asleep almost instantly upon crawling into bed. But now, no matter what position she slipped into, she felt all prickly, hot and sticky.
She was sweating…
She balled her fists up and groaned. Now odd, she was never one to perspire like this, sure there were times when she'd break a sweat or two, but that only ever happened when she'd been doing something. But now, right now in this moment, she was merely thinking, she'd been stuck in thought, trying to figure out a way to make things right, trying to decipher what Akko meant by what she said.
'I feel like...you expect me to let go of these feelings'
Did she really make Akko feel like that?
Did she...want Akko to stop feeling that way towards her.
Diana sucked in a shaky breath as she rose her head from her knees, her eyes falling over to her teddy bear, a bear her parents had gifted to her long ago.
She wanted to fix things with Akko, she wanted what they had before, that close friendship, the slightly awkward hugs, the smiles, the looks-
Thump, thump
And she felt it.
That oddly familiar way her heart seemed to thump whenever she'd been in a situation that Akko seemed to be mixed up in.
That uncomfortable, yet foreign warm feeling that set itself onto her cheeks.
She wanted Akko to let go of her feelings for her.
Right?
What exactly did she expect the outcome to be when they first tried to fix things?
Diana swallowed thickly and shook her head. She wanted Akko's friendship, but Akko wanted something else, Akko wanted her.
Thump, thump
Diana brought a hand to her breast, she could feel how hard her heart was beating, she could even hear it thumping in her ears, she felt warmth flooding her face.
She wanted Akko too.
But in another way. Not in the way Akko wanted her.
Right?
"Of course", Diana said out loud, her tone came out raspy and rather exasperated. Her breath was uneven and shaky, the warmth that usually only invaded her cheeks and at times the tips of her ears, was flooding her body.
Akko was the reason she was sweating.
Akko was the reason she couldn't sleep.
Akko was the reason she couldn't think straight.
"Damn it", Diana clutched the front of her sleeping shirt tightly, no doubt wrinkling it.
It was bad enough that she wasn't used to the concept of 'friends', but with romance, that would be an entirely different topic, one that Diana wasn't sure if she was willing to allow herself to be subjected to.
No. Her head thinks with reasons, many reasons as to why looking into this whole situation was something she shouldn't do, and shouldn't care about.
Yes. Her heart thumps with feelings that seem to have been pushed down and held back.
Feelings, Diana can't help but think.
If she were to really think about how she was feeling. It'd be afraid, anxious and uneasy.
These feelings, her thoughts were pushing back, she never allowed herself to become emotionally invested in anything after her mother's passing. She was comfortable, hiding behind reasons and logic. She felt sure and secure whenever facts were at play.
But uncertainty…
No, never, she'd never allowed herself to open up for anything such. She always had something to fall on, always had something to rely on.
And certainty was always her fall back.
"No, No, No.", Diana whispered softly as she once again buried her face into her knees.
Akko was always unpredictable from the start, she was someone not tamed in nature, she was a loose cannon, she was sloppy, childish, immature-
And with those self induced thoughts coming in, Diana finally jumped out of bed and went for the brown teddy bear, she grabbed it by the arm and pulled it into her arms, she held it tightly against her chest, trembling.
She wanted to think other things, she valued Akko, of course she did, but she also felt the need to think about all of Akko's flaws, the need to point it out to Akko whenever they studied together, the need to keep reminding Akko every time, at least once a day…
Diana shook her head and fell to her knees, she buried her face into the teddy bear's shoulder, and she began to…
Cry.
She began to sob.
Why had she been so cold to Akko at first, yet, felt somehow drawn to her, compelled to point out things that Akko and everyone around her was no doubt already aware of?
And even when they finally made amends and actually became friends, that need had still been present.
The need to say things to avoid from saying the much more needed words she wanted to say deep down.
It's almost like she was trying to make Akko seem bad in her mind.
"Diana! Diana!?", came a frantic voice along with the sound of rapid knocking, "Diana!", the sound of the door swinging open came.
But Diana didn't move, she remained put, curled up on the floor with her teddy bear like a child, crying.
Crying because she wasn't willing to face something that had been apart of her since she met Akko.
"D-Diana", the voice softened considerably, it almost sounded shocked, and surprised.
Daryl stood before Diana's form.
Pathetic as it may seem.
Diana was still Her sister's daughter, Daryl thought as she slowly closed in and kneeled down, both were in the darkness of Diana's room, she wore a look or reluctance, Daryl was never one to show emotions, or openly display affection in any way. Her sister was the affectionate one, while she always took pride in being the 'cold' one.
Diana sobbed without stop, clutching at the teddy bear.
Daryl awkwardly and slowly wrapped her arms around the teen in an embrace, to which Diana immediately leaned into, much to her surprise. She slowly began to run her hand through Diana's hair, she was rather stiff and uncomfortable, it felt somewhat unnatural, but she pushed her pride away for the time being. Her thoughts drifting to the memories of the many nights she was forced to hold her sister despite not wanting to.
"Relax", Daryl said as she cleared her throat, unsure of anything else to say.
Diana's sobs began to slowly die down.
Daryl sighed heavily, she'd barely held Diana as a child and each time she had, Diana had always been crying, slobbering, drooling all over her clothing. The older witch clicked her tongue, "and Here I thought you grew up."
Sniffling, uneven breathing and whimpering filled the room.
"Throwing a fit won't do you any well, Diana", Daryl said with a wary tone.
Diana nodded, she'd buried her head against her aunt's chest, "I'm sorry", she whimpered, she sounded like a broken child.
The woman sucked in a breath and began to shift, "Up, Up, a Cavendish never looks good on the floor.".
Daryl's pride came back just as quickly as it had left, "Sleep whatever it is that's bothering you off. I much prefer it when you silently brood.", the woman helped the teen up, she couldn't help but glance at the bear in her niece's arms. How embarrassing Daryl thought, but of course, she understood. Deep down, she knew that under all that tough, coldness Diana buried herself under, she would always be that cry baby that slobbered all over her clothes.
Diana silently went back to her bed, allowing herself to be guided by her aunt.
The older witch sighed for what seemed to be the hundredth time, "Would you like me to tuck you in as well?", she spoke with slight sarcasm.
Diana turned back to her aunt as she climbed into the bed and under the sheets, she gave her aunt a watery glare.
Daryl rolled her eyes and sat at the corner of the bed, after a brief moment of silence, she crossed her arms over her chest and spoke again, "It's none of my business, the reasons for your suspension from Luna Nova and why you threw a tantrum. I let you be because I believe you to be grown in your own way, you've done nothing to negatively interest me in your business. And I think it's in our both interests if we keep it that way.", The woman turned to face her niece, "You're a lot like your mother.", Daryl sighs again and turns away, she stands up, prepared to take her leave.
Diana looks down to the bear she was hugging to her chest, she feels anything but shame in that moment.
"A piece of advice, Diana.", Daryl said as she stopped just at the door.
Diana looked up to her aunt's back.
The woman continued, "Don't keep pushing things down, it's unbecoming when you decide to suddenly release it all in one go."
And with that said, Daryl walked out, closing the door behind her.
Leaving Diana alone with her thoughts.
She felt slightly relieved, but also much more pressed, she felt much more was slowly inching closer and closer to reasons she wanted to leave uncovered.
She was afraid.
And uncertain.
Feelings were always a complicated matter for her. Which is why she always leaned on reasoning. But somewhere along the way, she began to use reasoning as a way to hide away from her feelings and weaknesses.
She disliked being vulnerable. And Akko was just the person that made her feel that way. Akko always spoke to her like they were equals from the get go, never had Akko cared for her status of wealth or image. Akko had dug out her flaws and opened her up. Akko had came to see her flaws when all others believed she was perfect and flawless.
It was a change, something that no one else had the audacity to do.
Akko made her see the ugly sides of herself.
Yet…
Despite her flaws.
Akko still cared for her. Akko knew how she was, how shielded she was and how she felt deep down despite being cold in the beginning.
All the times Akko would childishly challenge, yell, argue and tease her, she'd have thought that Akko would have grown tired of her personality and self righteousness, yet somehow along the way, Akko had merely drawn closer to her and fallen for her, Akko whom had been quite the failure as a witch at the beginning, Akko whom had been childish, brash, immature and oh so selfish, had fallen in love with someone like her.
They shared a similar dream, had a similar vision for the magic world, the only differences between them was just how hard they worked to get to where they were now.
Akko had became respected since the whole grand triskellion thing. With the exception that she was still known as a bit of a clutz and was still learning to fly. The professors weren't on her case so much, Akko had improved greatly.
But what about her?
Had she changed for the better at all?
Certainly not, if she had she wouldn't be here right now, pondering, brooding.
She and Akko were polar opposites.
And in this case.
She was the weaker of the two.
She was the coward.
She was too afraid to face what she was really feeling, she was too afraid to allow herself to truly understand what she was thinking.
And right now.
She was thinking about Akko.