Hey guys, please enjoy the Bal fluff in this chapter. Nothing more to say than that really, much love RSD xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo.
Me and Ben snuggled together as we flicked through old photos of us together; and to be honest it was strange to look at photos of me like that. I didn't have any of my tattoos for one and I think I looked strange without them; but I looked happy with Ben. However when I saw a photo of me and Ben at the last ball before we broke up I started to feel uneasy. I knew what I was thinking as I looked at my fake smile in the photo; I was plucking up the courage to break up with Ben. I hated doing it to him; but I thought that was for the best at the time. However I didn't think that now - Ben was showing me that. He believed that things happened for a reason; and apparently according to Ben we were both meant to bump into each other on that night out. Ben believed that his heart was telling him that we were meant to be together; and I shared that belief. I was trying to follow my heart and not my head; I knew deep down me and Ben were meant to be together I just had to work on my insecurities so they didn't damage what we have - and I knew that Ben would help me through it.
"I can't believe you still have them" I smiled meekly after Ben thankfully changed the photo.
"Well I didn't delete them" he replied as he started to run his fingers through my hair.
"Is that strange?" he questioned and I looked up at him.
"No" I answered as I shook my head slightly.
"When we broke up we were friends; I wouldn't have blamed you either way" I added hoping that this would reassure him.
"I see" he noted.
"Have you deleted them?" he asked slowly.
"No" I said. It didn't feel right to delete them; yes it hurt me sometimes to look at them but if I was being honest with myself I was always going to have a special place in my heart for Ben. And I didn't think that this was ever going to change - and I didn't want it to.
"It didn't feel right" I advised.
"I see" he noted.
"Yeah" I answered and I noted that Ben started to get nervous and I watched as he slowly looked up at down my face.
"Ben are you ok?" I asked as I felt his arms tighten around me as we were laid next to each other.
"Yeah" he muttered.
"You sure? You seem distracted" I advised.
"Kinda" he admitted and I reached up and cupped the right hand side of his face with my left hand.
"I want to talk to you about something; I'm just nervous to" he explained.
"Oh" I muttered. I wondered what Ben wanted to talk to me about; it was obviously something that was really bothering him and I hoped that we weren't about to argue again.
"Right" I nodded.
"Is there anything I can do it make it better?" I asked as I stroked his cheek with my thumb in a bid to soothe him.
"Erm-" he started.
"I don't know" he admitted as he pursed his lips together.
"Just talk about it when you are ready" I advised with a warm smile before I pressed a brief kiss against his lips and when I pulled away I watched as a smile spread across his face.
"I am ready" he said.
"I just don't know how the conversation is going to go" he admitted further.
"Well just talk-" I started.
"I'm sure we will be able to get through it" I smiled hoping that this would prompt Ben into start talking about whatever was on his mind.
"Yeah" he agreed
"The thing is Mal-" he started and I felt his right hand start to run up and down my side.
"Yes?" I prompted.
"How do you think things are going between us?" he quickly asked before he could stop himself. My eyes widened in shock at this; I don't know why he was even asking this. I started to fill with shock and panic in case he was about to tell me that he didn't think that we should be together - but would he really arrange a date with me if this was the case? Ben really had me confused and I hoped that he was going to be able to put my mind at rest before it ran away with itself.
"Erm-" I started.
"I think things are going ok" I advised as I decided that this was a good enough answer at the moment as I didn't know what was currently going through Ben's mind.
"Just ok?" he questioned.
"Well of course more than ok" I urged.
"Why?" I asked slowly.
"Do you think different? Is there a problem?" I quickly questioned before he could answer.
"No" he smiled and my body started to ebb away it's despair.
"Of course not" he stressed as he reached forward and cupped the left hand side of my face with his right hand.
"I think things have been amazing; I just wanted to make sure that we are on the same wave length" he explained as I dropped my hand from his face.
"Ok" I noted.
"Did you not think we were?" I asked as I pulled one brow up in confusion at him.
"Well I hoped we were; I just wanted to make sure" he stated.
"Ok" I repeated.
"Well thing are brilliant on my side" I smiled.
"Me too" he grinned at me.
"Erm-" he started before he took a couple of deep breaths to steady himself.
"Yes?" I prompted him.
"Tell me if I am jumping the gun" he offered.
"Ok" I said for the third time.
"I will do" I teased hoping that this would give Ben the confidence to proceed.
"Mal will you be my girlfriend again?" he asked and I felt my body go into shock in his arms. Ben wanted to make us more of a permanent thing; yes I wanted this but Ben needed to be sure. Yes I loved him and I never wanted to lose him again. But I couldn't believe that I was going to be allowed to become a permanent fixture in Ben's life again and it was completely overwhelming me. Ben was my soul mate and my heart was telling me that I needed to be by his side; as he needed me just as much as I needed him but I needed him to be sure - even though it was going to kill me if he didn't want me at any point in the future.
"Erm-" I started.
"Are you sure Ben?" I muttered and I watched as his face dropped.
"Why would you even ask that?" he asked and I could hear that he was hurt that I had questioned him.
"Ben I am enjoying what we have and it means the world to me; but we both need to make sure that this is what we both want" I started to explain.
"Because when the world finds out there is no going back" I reminded him.
"They technically know" he sighed.
"I know" I nodded.
"But being your girlfriend and dating is different; we will be around each other a lot more" I added.
"Yes" he confirmed.
"Is that not what you want?" he asked.
"Ben" I said as I reached up and cupped his face in both of my hands.
"I have thought of nothing else since we started this; I know that I want to be with you. I just want you to be sure; because my past is probably going to come up" I explained hoping that Ben would know where I was going with this.
"We can deal with that when and if it comes up" he dismissed.
"Yeah" I said as I looked down.
"Mal if you want more time dating I will understand; but I will fight for us" he urged and I looked up at him.
"I love you so much" he said as his gaze locked with mine.
"I love you so much too" I replied lovingly and I decided to put Ben out of his misery.
"Boyfriend" I smiled.
"What?" he asked as his face dropped in shock.
"I called you my boyfriend" I advised with a large toothy grin.
"Really?" he grinned.
"Yes Ben" I confirmed.
"I just wanted you to be sure" I advised.
"I am" he nodded.
"I will always be sure about you" he promised.
"Likewise Benny" I returned as I brushed my nose against his.
"My perfect Beast" I purred and I watched as Ben smiled at me before he quickly kissed me. Me and Ben then fell into a very long and loving make out session; however I had to keep reminding myself to not push Ben too far. Yes we had just got back together but I still didn't want to rush and ruin things. Every moment that I spent with Ben was precious to me; and I knew that with every step that me and Ben took together was going to be fulfilling and loving. And I wouldn't have it any other way.