As much as I'd like to say I had no idea where this came from, it came to me when I was seriously sleep deprived at five in morning after working the graveyard shift.

...It's still funny.

Pyjamas the Terror

When the Dark Lord of Magical Britain came sweeping into the room, everyone shut up. That was what you did, after all. One didn't simply keep talking when a dark lord was in the room, even if it was more a traditional rule than one actually enforced by their current lord.

So all conversation ceased as the Dark Lord took a seat at the head of the table.

He then proceeded to tilt his chair back and swing his feet up onto the table. "Guys, how many times to I have to tell you? You don't have to freeze up when I walk into the room!"

"Sorry, Harry," Luna said cheerfully. "It's traditional."

"A lot of things are traditional," Harry muttered, looking annoyed. "We should really do something about that."

"That's why we're here, mate," Ron reminded.

"I knew that," Harry said immediately.

"Harry, you shouldn't lean back your chair like that," Hermione warned. "You're going to tip over."

"I'll be fine," Harry dismissed. "Anyways, we're all here because of our weekly meeting. It's time to come up with our next plans to further our agenda of bringing Magical Britain into the twentieth century. I hereby call this meeting of Pyjamas the Terror and his inner circle of Bunny Stompers to order. Ginny, any news from the troops?"

"A few of the new recruits have raised complaints about our choice of footwear in battle," Ginny reported. "However, after several minutes of torture, it was determined that they simply have never tried to fight in pink bunny slippers before and unanimously decided that the footwear is actually surprising comfortable."

Harry pinched the bridge of his nose. "Ginny, what did I say about torturing our underlings?"

Ginny blinked innocently up at him. "Torture? Who said anything about torture?"

Harry turned his gaze to Neville.

"She used only the tickling hex," Neville explained. "I supervised."

"Ah," Harry said, nodding. "Ginny, what have I told you about the definition of torture?"

"I'm still not using the word right?" Ginny asked, looking disappointed.

"We'll work on it," Harry assured her. "Ron, what's the word in the ministry?"

"They're still clueless about what to do about you," Ron answered cheerfully. "They've decided that they all believe that prophecy full heartedly, and have decided that they clearly have to hide behind Tommy Riddle, as he's the only one who can vanquish you. Or something."

"Idiots," Harry said, shaking his head. "Are they still claiming I killed his parents?"

"They have given up on that," Ron informed him. "Now they're claiming that it was your ideology."

"I was not aware that ideology itself could kill anything," Luna mused. "How curious."

"Neither was I. Maybe you should bring that up in your next article," Harry suggested. "I'm sure that will make at least some people think."

"Doubtful, but it's worth a shot," Luna agreed.

"Now then, our double agent," Harry said, rubbing his hands as he turned to Hermione. "What's going on in Hogwarts?"

"I still remain unallowed to bring in any modern books," Hermione sniffed. "If I had known that running the Hogwarts Library would be so frustrating-"

"You would have gotten a job at the muggle one," everyone chorused. It was not the first time she'd expressed such a sentiment.

"What's the status of Tommy Riddle?" Harry asked, rolling his eyes.

"It has been leaked to the school that he can talk to snakes," Hermione told them. "The students are pulling away from him because it's a 'dark skill'."

Harry perked up. "Do you think he'd be open to recruitment?"

"Doubtful," Hermione reported. "I caught him using the term 'mudblood' again yesterday. It's unlikely he's in any mood to change sides."

"Disappointing," Harry sighed. "We'll have to come up with some convoluted plan to orchestrate his demise, then. Let's schedule it for the end of the school year, though. No need to upset his tests."

Hermione nodded approvingly.

"In the meantime, we'll continue our normal work," Harry went on. "Ginny, Neville, I want you to lead a raid on Knockturn Alley in three days. I'll leave the actual planning up to you. As always, keep casualties to a minimum. Stick mostly to spells that cause excessive embarrassment. And try to destroy Borgin and Burkes while you're at it. I never liked that place. They're still charging any half bloods who come in four times as much as purebloods, and muggleborns who make it to the shop have a habit of disappearing."

Ginny and Neville nodded solemnly.

"Ron, consult with your brothers to come up with an attack for the ministry, hopefully within the next month," Harry ordered. "Something blatantly muggle oriented, and nothing harmful."

"Get in, baffle, and get out," Ron summarized. "Got it."

"Luna, continue to write your articles," Harry told her. "More stories on the unfortunate lives led by muggleborn after Hogwarts, if possible. And stories about the wonders of muggle inventions. I suggest introducing the wonders of Coca-Cola."

"Aye-aye, Chief," Luna agreed, saluting.

"And Hermione, you continue to be the prickly and unapproachable librarian," Harry finished.

"I hate the job and I hate you," Hermione told him.

"Love you too," Harry agreed. "Any other orders of business?"

"I'm working on potentially implementing a literacy program for house elves," Hermione said.

"Go ahead," Harry told her, leaning back a little further. "If there are no other orders of business, I was thinking I'd pop down to Diagon today and turn all the buildings florescent rainbow, if anyone wants to join me."

"I'm not doing anything," Neville offered.

"Me neither," Ginny piped up.

"Eh, why not?" Ron agreed.

"Excellent," Harry said cheerfully. "Meeting adjourned, then. Those coming with me get dressed and meet back here in ten minutes."

Harry swung his feet off the table, but hadn't leaned back forward, and doing so caused his chair to fall backwards and knocked him to the floor.

"...Ow."

"Told you so," Hermione said smugly.

"I deserved that," Harry admitted.

"You know, all we'd have to do to get rid of most of the 'dark' traditions is introduce people to Harry?" Luna asked Neville as they left the room.

"Maybe," Neville allowed. "But most people are stupid. They'd probably just think it was a trap."

It is a trap. A fiendish trap aimed at your sanity! Mwa ha ha!

So, yeah. This was supposed to be a lovely little role reversal in which Pyjamas and his fanatically loyal Bunny Stompers (identified by the bright pink slippers they wear into battle) plot the demise of his arch enemy, little Tommy Riddle. It didn't quite turn out that way, but I like it nonetheless.

Until next time!