This chapter and the next one will go together. I promise. I plan to get that up tomorrow, then I'm out till the 28th. Gonna spend some real life with my two older kids and my mom on a tour of Belize. I'll see you all on the flip side. I also decided to give writing for Carisi a try. Hope I did him justice.

It's not that I didn't care
It's that I didn't know
It's not what I didn't feel,
It's what I didn't show

-Maroon 5 (Misery)

He glanced at his watch and back at her, scribbling at her desk. He took a deep breath and let it out, starting to gather his things.

"You done?" she asked

"Yeah" he nodded, not looking up at her. He didn't really like to think about why he couldn't look at her in this moment.

"Seems early for you. Plans?"

"Actually, yeah. A new teacher at mom's school. We've talked a couple of times and she called the other day asking if I wanted to grab dinner, so…" he trailed off, pressing his lips together, finally working up the nerve to look up at her. Her eyes were wide. Mouth hanging open slightly. They just stared at each other. He finally cleared his throat.

"So, I'm going to head. Have a good night Liv."

She could only watch him leave. Make his way through the squad room and in the elevator. She was frozen. Stuck. Crushed. It had hit her like a ton of bricks. A date. Of course he had a date. He was smart, handsome, successful, talented, funny, sexy as hell… she was pretty sure handsome had covered that but for some reason her brain circled back to that. It felt like the walls were closing in. And it was miserable.

"Barba's done early tonight" Carisi remarked from the door.

"He's got a date" she replied, barely able to get it out without gagging on the words. Carisi looked at her. "Lieu, you ok?"

She finally moved her eyes from the last place he had stood and looked at her detective. "I have no idea." Carisi just smiled and motioned at one of her guest chairs. She nodded and he sat down.

"That a problem?" he asked, resting his elbows on his knees.

"What? No. No of course not. He's free to… I mean it's not like we… but I thought…" She dropped her glasses, rubbing her fingers over her eyes.

"Lieu, can I speak freely for a moment?" She nodded, still not looking at him.

"The thing is Amanda is jaded between her sister and Declan and Fin likes to just mind his own, you know? But me, well I've kind of always had this romantic heart. I like to root for people who I think should be together for the long run." She finally looked at him and the look on her face made him wonder for a second if he had sprouted a third eye ball in the middle of his forehead.

He nodded. "Ok, let me try this another way. Subtle isn't going to work here. You seem jealous that Barba has a date tonight."

"No" she said, shaking her head vehemently. He just stared at her, eyes wide. "Carisi, no. I'm not. He's free to date whomever he wants. It's not like we ever… I mean, yeah, we spend a lot of time together and we're close. Sure. But I'm not jealous." He just continued to stare at her.

"Carisi, I'm not! I swear! Sure, there's an attraction there. We've admitted that to each other, but he's an attractive man. I'm not blind. But to think that I could… or that we could…" she trailed off, staring over his head at the wall.

"Lieu" he said softly. He could see it slowly work its way over her face. The realization of what she had been ignoring.

"Shit" she said quietly. Carisi smiled and nodded slightly.

Her eyes locked on his. "Oh God… I think I want… and he's out…" He could see the fear start to work its way in. "I'm too late, I guess. He's… he's trying to find someone. Why not a teacher at his mom's school? She's probably smart and funny and not a workaholic. She can bring him a normal life that he deserves. That's what he's looking for. He deserves to be happy."

"He told you all that? I mean, you all have discussed it at length."

She shook her head at him. "Well, then, Lieu, it sounds to me like you are making excuses for why you shouldn't jump out of that chair and show him that there's an alternative to teacher of the year."

"Carisi…"

"Liv…" She froze. He never used her name. Ever. "Yeah. I know. I had to get your attention. Lieu, here's the thing. Barba's a different guy. We've spent some time together and I pay attention. There's a reason he has stayed in this job. The challenge. Normal is boring to him. If it wasn't, he would have taken one of those partner jobs he's been offered from every firm in town over the last five years. That's not what he wants."

"You don't know that."

"See, Lieu, unlike you, I know this because he's mentioned it. He like a challenge. The idea of working hard for something is what gets him going. It's why he throws everything has into all of our cases. Trust me, he doesn't do a third of the work for others that he does for us, I promise. Normal, to him, is just plain. He wants a unique existence that means something."

Olivia took a deep breath. "Lieu, you need to let go of the fear. Will it be hard? Sure. Will it be scary? As hell. Will it be wrong? From my point of view, no. Never." She exhaled slowly.

"What do you want to do?"

"Drag him away from teacher of the year."

Carisi laughed. "Well, maybe not so drastic. But I do think you should think about talking to him."

"Yeah" she breathed out. "Ok. I'll think about it." He smiled and stood up, holding up his hands. "That's all I'm asking." He turned to leave when she said his name. She nodded her thanks at him. He replied with a nod of his own and left. She watched him gather up his things, smiling as he answered his phone. The illusive girlfriend, she assumed.

She dropped her phone and her keys on the table, looking around her quiet apartment. Tonight was Noah's monthly overnight with Nick's mom so she had the night wide open. She had expected to work late with Barba, maybe grabbing drinks and a quick bite to eat. Maybe a night cap here. She had bought his favorite scotch the last time she went to the store, trying to ignore what it meant. Couldn't do that anymore. Not since Carisi dropped his truth bomb. She looked around, sighing. She knew she should just stay here and clean or do some much-needed laundry or catch up on some TV or read or just get some damn sleep. Noah wouldn't be back until tomorrow afternoon when Lucy picked him up from school and brought him home. She went in to the bathroom to wash her face but all she could was stare at herself in the mirror. The look of misery that was on her face was a surprise to her. Like she didn't recognize herself. And there was only one way to solve it. She walked into her closet, grabbing some clothes and making a decision. It was time.