17
White Christmas outside the window. Richly trimmed tree, presents everywhere, carols softly playing. The whole nine yards. Jack and Owen standing at a wrapped bird cage, where a dove is cooing inside. Toshiko is setting out the cocoa with a uniformed nurse.
Ianto enters. Kisses Toshiko's head. "I'm gonna check on Mom."
Goes down the hall, every emotion in the world is playing across his face. Into where Gwen lies on her death bed. She is beautiful and near the end.
Despite the IV tube, the monitor, she's gotten to serenity after all. As close as any of us will ever get.
"Hey, gorgeous. Time for the presents?" Gwen licks her lips. Pretty dry. Ianto takes a cotton lemon swab from the nightstand. Tenderly, cleans Gwen's mouth then a gentle kiss "Now Edna says you short-changed your last meds. You can do presents and be comfortable at the same time, y'know."
Gwen clears her throat then rasps out "Just want to be a little sharper. For a few minutes."
"A few minutes." Ianto repeats teasingly "Some things to say. To the kids, huh?"
Gwen smiles. "Then, bring in the presents. We'll have big fun."
Ianto can't really bear this. "You know, there's nothing you have to say. Because they know your heart. You don't have t..."
"Just sit me up. Nice and tall. Bring Owen first." Staring at each other. Then Ianto reaches his arms around Gwen, and as gently as he can manage, lifts her to a full sitting position. "Scrapbook."
Ianto brings the big book. Lays it on the bed. And goes.
Gwen begins to turn the pages. Her life with these children passing before her eyes. No tears. No smile. Just full attention. Fingertips touch the one she was looking for, as the door opens. Owen, hesitant, enters alone. His mother's face is fine and strong and smiling. "Find the bird cage?"
Owen is standing there nervously "Taddy says it's from you."
"Well, don't make him disappear before I see him."
"Owen nods. Okay, I won't."
She glances to the scrapbook "Oh, look at this."
And forgetting his uneasiness, he runs over, climbs onto the bed. Gwen doesn't wince, doesn't even blink. Nothing for his memory bank but smiles. He looks at the photo...Gwen holding a spunky newborn. "That's you and me. Our first photo as a couple."
He nods. Really staring at it. "Did you know I was good-looking right away?"
She reaches to hold his face in her hand. Stares in his eyes. "This good-looking. Was beyond my imagination."
She leans. Kisses his lips lightly. How many more times will she get to do this? a murmured "So what do you think we're gonna talk about?"
Owen gives it straight back "You dying."
She nods. Her smile is right there.
The secret of it. That only magicians. Can ever understand." She whispers. His eyes brighten. The sadness pushed aside. "See, when we die... Our body goes away. Our body. But we...we are not our body, are we?"
He doesn't know. Maybe he thought we were.
"If a soldier loses his legs in a war. Is he the same guy? Sure he is." She points out.
"But you can still see him." Owen frowns.
"Half. Of him." This is so fucking hard. But her eyes stay dry. "Dying. Is where the whole body goes away. So you can't see any of it. But..."
Rests her hand tenderly. On his hair. "What do magicians know?"
Leans forward.
"Here's the secret...Just because you can't see it. Doesn't. Mean. It's gone. Does it?" And Owen smiles. He is inside the secret. "The world. Thinks I'm gone. But only the magician. Knows better."
"So where are you?"
She was waiting for this. For a long time. She wraps her hand around his fist. And puts their hands against his heart. a whisper "Right here. Right here. Inside the magician. Shhhh."
"Can I talk to you? When you're there." His sweet face so honest as he stares at his own chest with wonder.
"Always. Always. And you won't hear a voice. But in here. You'll know. What I'm saying." Gwen promises as he looks up at her "Yes, you will."
"It's not good enough." He pouts.
"No, it isn't. Because it isn't everything. And we want everything, don't we?"
He nods. They do.
"But God does let us keep the one best thing we have together. The one best thing we've always had. Know what it is?" He doesn't. But he wants to. "I love you. And you love me." Comes closer. Nose to nose. "It's worth a lot. Will you keep it?"
He answers. With a kiss.
.
.
.
Jack and Toshiko are doing a hugely complex jigsaw puzzle. Owen runs in, falls on his knees by the puzzle. Without looking at Toshiko, he tells her "Your turn. It wasn't bad."
Toshiko looks straight to her dad. There is a moment, a silence, that no one else could ever understand. She leans to him and whispers "Here it is?"
His eyes water. He takes her in his arms. Whispers close to her ear, only the words "Here it is."
She smiles at him. Fear gone, filled with resolve. Gives him a kiss. Rises, to follow Ianto down the hall. Yan wraps an arm around his big girl. No words, except a murmured 'You can do this' Voice cracking. He's not as good at it as this girl's mother. "You can do anything."
At the door. Opens it, and Toshiko enters alone. The door closes behind her. Her eyes lock with her mother's. No words. Toshiko's eyes filled with tears, and Gwen's arms...REACH out, and Toshiko RUNS to them.
They hold each other. For a forever moment.
"I don't want to say goodbye."
"Don't." Gwen whispers "Take me with you."
And Toshiko looks up. Tears on her face.
"Thank God. I got to see you." Gwen sighs "Grown up."
"I'm not".
Gwen says very softly "Let me be the judge of that."
And Toshiko climbs onto the bed. Their hands never stop touching each other. Saying I love you.
"There's an amazing thing when a woman has a daughter. One day you look up, and you see...a sister." Gwen smiles "Someone. You can say. Anything to."
"Anything." Toshiko repeats.
"I wrote a whole lot of letters. To each of you. And the envelope says when to open it. Like, which birthday. Or...when you get your driver's permit. First time you see Rome. Things like that."
Things like that. Toshiko is beginning to lose it now. So Gwen says only "Keep Owen's for awhile, okay? Until he's old enough to not open them all at once."
"Until he's old enough to read."
Tears on Toshiko's face. Her mom wonders "Are you afraid for me? Where I'm going."
"Yes."
"Don't be. I'm going. Where we all go. Now how can that be bad."
"I'll miss you so much." Toshiko isn't crying, her heart hurts too much for even that.
"Good. That's very good." She nods, yes it is. "What you're grown-up enough to know. Is that people. Can do two things at once. Okay?"
She brushes at her baby's tears. Then tastes her wet fingertips. Mmmn, surprisingly good. Toshiko sort of smiles. "You can miss me. And. Take me with you."
Hold the child's face. In her hands. "When you're in trouble. Have me there. When you fall in love. Have me there. You can."
Said with such absolute assurance. "That's how we go on, you know. Forever. Because someone takes us along."
Toshiko swallows hard.
"On your wedding night. When your babies are born. I want to be there. Will you take me?"
A straight question. It needs an answer.
"Always, always. Always."
A sigh. A shared smile.
"You made my life wonderful." Gwen whispers. "You are the greatest gift anyone ever gave me. My baby girl. You."
"Take that with you, too."
.
.
..
The presents are here now, they fill up the room, spill over the bed, where both children sprawl.
Owen RIPPING the shit out of wrappings like a wolverine, Toshiko carefully saving her gift paper as if she were going to hang it in the Louvre.
She holds a tank top up to her chest, for her Mom's approval. Gwen's not sure.
Owen screams as he finds the one his parentals worked on together. Ianto's' photographs and Gwen's sewing. A cape. A real magician's cape complete with hidden pockets. The best part is the photos all over the fabric, ones of his mother looking so pretty, serene and magical her own damned self.
Toshiko cradles the best gift. Her Mother's scrapbook is in her own lap. She will treasure it forever.
Gwen is waning, lying back watching the madness as Ianto occasionally reaches up from the floor to touch her arm, like a reconnect. A comfort. She smiles every time. God. She feels that love too.
Ianto handing up more boxes, Jack in charge of bagging trash...Owen's white dove, flying free around the room, zipping and diving.
No one cares. It's Christmas.