Chapter 3. Heart to Heart

Sir Kururugi

Things went downhill quickly after the questions placed by their two, younger selves. Zerozaku sort of nominated himself to answer and simply said, "Basically, what happened is that shortly after the skirmish in Shinjuku, Lelouch became a terrorist who went by the name of Zero in order to defeat Britannia. Meanwhile, I decided to change Britannia from within. I met his sister Euphie, who had similar ideals, and wanted to create a safe place where the Japanese could leave in peace. Unfortunately, it did not work out, as Zero felt threatened by her. He placed a Geass on her, leading her to order the mass murder of the Japanese. After this, he shot her, and she died in my arms with no memories of what she had done. A small mercy, I suppose."

Well, Suzaku supposed that was an accurate description. It was also not the most tactful one.

The moment he heard the latter sentence, Suzu went pasty white. "N-No," he stammered. "That can't be. You're lying."

He stumbled over his own feet, backing away from them in an uncoordinated manner. Suzaku understood exactly what he felt, as he could still remember the pain and shock he had experienced during those awful days.

"Unfortunately, it's true," Emperor Lelouch added, "although it's..."

He was probably intending to do some kind of damage control, but he never got the chance. Suzu didn't wait for him to finish the sentence. He turned on his heel and ran off, disappearing deeper into the orangery without waiting for a more elaborate explanation. Lulu stumbled after him, calling out his name.

"That went well," Julius said under his breath.

"As well as could be expected, I guess," Zerolouch offered with a sigh. "Although it certainly didn't help that you had to go dump it all on them like that."

Zerozaku grimaced. "Sorry. It's just that I... I don't even know... Those days seem so distant now."

He was frowning a little as he finished the sentence, and all of them let the topic drop. "Let's just... give them some space," Emperor Lelouch said. "We'll deal with it later. For now, let's see if we can figure out what actually happened."

That was one suggestion Suzaku could get on board with. If he had to spend too much time with the remaining two versions of himself and three Lelouchs, he would probably do something regretable and physically impossible.

Idly, he wondered if the 'Live on' Geass would keep him from murdering one of his other selves. He quickly pushed back the thought before it could fully form. It was not something he should probably be testing, considering the fact that he had no idea what he was dealing with here.

"Right," he said. "Since they've gone now, can you actually finish the story?"

Zerozaku nodded and went back to his practical report. Since the youngest and most vulnerable of them were gone, he quickly filled in all the blanks for everyone who had not been there during the most recent events of their life without bothering to censor himself much.

Suzaku did not know what to do with the fact that he'd apparently gone from trying to become the Knight of One for Charles, to attempting to assassinate him, then allying himself with Lelouch, becoming his knight while Lelouch took over the world, and killing him to accomplish a goal of peace. The whole concept made him nauseous. But hey, apparently he'd also murdered thirty five million people while under Geass in Tokyo, so what did he know?

As Zerozaku gave Emperor Lelouch all the details surrounding the past events of his life, Emperor Lelouch seemed to grow alarmed. "Oh dear. I assumed that this was some part of the world of C, at first, but if Shestal had control over souls, as he mentioned, something else could be going on."

"Could this whole place be a trap created by Shestal?" Zerolouch suggested. "If so, it might be risky for our other selves to be on their own."

"I'll go look for them," Suzaku offered on a whim. He was frustrated with the inactivity and had no desire to be here any longer. The young Lelouch had yet to kill Euphie, so he would be far better company than these people. Personalities. Whatever they were.

"Excellent idea, Sir Kururugi," Julius purred. "I'll join you."

That was the worst idea in the history of time, but nobody dissuaded him. Maybe none of the Lelouchs and Suzakus knew how to handle Julius either. "The rest of us will look around and see if we can find any clue on where we actually are," Lancelot said.

Fucking coward. But then again, that wasn't a big surprise, now was it?

Suzaku would have tried to protest, but Lancelot was already dragging his emperor off, and Zerozaku was doing the same with Zerolouch. Suzaku was left with no other option but to go through with Julius's suggestion.

Julius smirked at him. It was mindboggling. Technically, he was the Lelouch who most immediately remembered being attacked and nearly strangled by Suzaku in a cell. Even so, he took in stride and accepted it with the same defiant aplomb he had displayed in front of the Grandmasters of Euro-Britannia.

Suzaku wasn't sure what to make of this.

He had always thought that, for the most part, Julius Kingsley had been a production of Charles zi Britannia's Geass. Then again, he hadn't exactly dwelled on the dynamics of it all that much either, mostly because they had made him uncomfortable.

He might have claimed otherwise, but he had not enjoyed dragging his friend in front of his father, helplessly bound, like an animal. But it had been his duty. As Euphie's knight, it had been the least he could do. Cowardly and selfish, maybe, but his only option, at a time when his heart had betrayed him, when he had not been able to press the trigger, to end Lelouch's life entirely, despite knowing that he owed it to Euphie.

It had been the same, in that cell, in Euro-Britannia. Maybe Julius knew that. Maybe he knew that, in the end, Suzaku could not bring himself to truly hurt him.

Then again, considering the series of events that had brought them all here, perhaps that wasn't so true.

He did his best to push back the thought and started to head into the general direction Suzu and Lulu had gone earlier. He half-hoped that Julius would just stay quiet and not badger him further.

Really, he should have known better than to ever contemplate such an idea.

"What are you thinking so hard about, Sir Kururugi?" Julius asked, his voice a pleasant drawl.

Suzaku debated ignoring him, just out of spite, but in the end, decided against it. "You, mostly. I'm not exactly sure why you are here. I didn't actually think you were real."

Julius laughed. "Of course I'm real. All the Lelouchs know that. Didn't you see?"

"I saw." And he had been a little confused, really. Emperor Lelouch in particular had not seemed all that surprised at Julius's existence at all. "So you're what... Lelouch's dark side?"

"How judgmental. It's nothing so black and white. How should I explain this? No, I am Lelouch, up to the point where I have his memories, but... I include... all the things he suppressed. Everything he thought was irrelevant. Everything he disregarded, for his sister's sake."

Suddenly, Julius grabbed Suzaku's arm and shoved him against a tree. He was much stronger than Suzaku remembered him to be. He pinned Suzaku down with almost embarrassing ease.

"He wanted to be with you from the very beginning, you know," Julius whispered in Suzaku's ear. "When he found out you were the pilot of the Lancelot, it almost broke his resolve... But in the end, Nunnally was always more important, and he had to continue in his quest, to build her kind, gentle world."

He breathed a gust of hot air in Suzaku's ear, and against his own will, Suzaku shuddered.

"When Charles took Lelouch's memories... our memories, I suppose... He freed me," Julius continued. "Truth be told, it was a warped version of me, a version he had tried to enslave. We fought him, though. We were always very stubborn." He smiled, a little bitterly. "Although we very rarely did that, when you were our knight."

His gaze grew softer, a little distant. "I think maybe... If you'd only wanted to stay... To stay for real... We wouldn't have fought him at all. Yes... I think that if you had just agreed to be ours, we would have agreed to be his. Nunnally be damned."

He leaned into Suzaku's space, so very close, so close that Suzaku could smell the scent of his hair, so sweet, so tantilizing. The kiss Suzaku was waiting for never came.

Julius pulled away and slid out of his arms without a word. Suzaku stared at his retreating back, leaning against a tree and feeling like he'd taken a blow to the solar plexus.

He remembered Lelouch, the way he had been in Euro-Britannia, always extending his hand, always asking for water. Why? Why had he done that? Suzaku had deemed it a side-effect of the Geass, but had it been something else entirely?

What had Lelouch been thinking then, every single time, when he had extended his hand toward Suzaku? Why had he been leaning against Suzaku, in the cell? Why had he asked Suzaku to kill him?

The questions were almost too much to bear, madenning in their intensity. Suzaku chased after Julius, desperate to know, to understand.

"Lelouch, wait."

He didn't know why he called Julius by that name, despite their earlier agreement on what they would respond to, but it must've been the right thing to do. Julius stopped and turned toward him. "Yes, what is it?"

"You remember everything, don't you? From... before Euro-Britannia. Right?"

"Of course."

"Why... Why did you kill Euphie?" He had asked before, at the shrine, but the Zero version of Lelouch had lied to him. Suzaku was sure of that. Julius, on the other hand, seemed more honest. Would he finally give Suzaku that answer, the answer that he had sought, ever since that dreadful day?

"Oh. That." Julius pursed his lips, all signs of his carefree persona gone. "To free her. From what she had done."

"Free her?" Suzaku repeated. "But... She had done nothing wrong! She was... It was your Geass! Wasn't it? Why? Why would you do something like that? Why would you curse her?"

Had it been because of him, in some twisted way? Because Euphie had taken him as her knight? It couldn't be, right? Lelouch couldn't have been so petty. Surely, he must have realized that Suzaku's relationship with Euphie didn't truly change what he felt for Lelouch.

He took hold of Lelouch's shoulders and shook him. "Why? Just... Tell me. Tell me why!"

Lelouch didn't try to free himself. He just looked at Suzaku, with that lone, defiant amethyst eye. "Believe it or not, I didn't mean it. It was an accident."

The simple words made Suzaku's blood freeze in his veins. "An... accident..."

"I lost control of my Geass. I never intended to give her that command, and once she had started killing people, there was no way to save her."

Suzaku remembered Lelouch's smug smile in the cave, his remorseless expression. That look was, in part, what had given him the strength to drag Lelouch to Pendragon. It couldn't have been a lie, could it?

"I... How... I don't understand..."

"Well, join the club. Apparently, this sort of thing happens if you don't learn how to use your power properly. Too late to regret it now. "

The grim resignation in Lelouch's voice snapped Suzaku out of his shock. "But why... Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it was my fault. Truth be told, Sir Kururugi... When I went there, I actually did plan on using the Geass on her. I wanted to make her shoot me, so that my injury would motivate the Japanese to continue the rebellion.

"She made me change my mind, and in the end, I agreed to join her. But... The fact remains that just through my original plan, I was tempting fate.

"Geass is the power of the king. Considering all that, and considering the fact that I did press the trigger and ended her life, I had to take responsibility for my actions, at least in some way. But you understand that, Sir Kururugi. The desire to atone."

To atone. Yes, Suzaku understood that very well.

It was the last memory he had, what he had been thinking right before he had woken up here, as he'd watched Kallen lunge at him, the Guren's claw ablaze with fire. He had thought that, at last, he would pay for the crime of being a patricide.

Apparently, that hadn't happened, and instead, he'd done something entirely different while under the 'Live on' Geass from Lelouch.

All strength drained from him and he slumped down against Julius—against Lelouch, his knees no longer able to hold him up. Lelouch helped him sit on the ground and they just sat there, with Lelouch passing a hand through Suzaku's hair.

He didn't know how much time passed until Lelouch finally broke the silence. "If it makes you feel better," he said, "you can still hate me. You can still hurt me. I wouldn't mind it. I understand."

Suzaku froze. Was that why... Was that why Lelouch... this Lelouch had offered to come with him? To give him a convenient punching bag?

It was a horrifying thought to have, but... It made sense. It was also something he could never do.

He'd always loved Lelouch, even when he'd hated him. It didn't make much difference now, but at the very least, here, at the end of all things, he could try to do better than he had in the past.

He lifted his head and faced Lelouch. His hand shaking slightly, he removed that damn eyepatch, the symbol of Lelouch's servitude. "I won't hurt you. Not ever again. I promise."

Lelouch nodded, believing him, just like that. "And I won't hurt you. Unless you ask me. Nicely."

The teasing comment drew a slight chuckle out of Suzaku. "Maybe we should save that for later, yeah? We're supposed to be looking for our younger selves."

"Sure, Sir Kururugi. That sounds like a plan. In fact, it would probably be a pretty good idea. With our luck, they'll get themselves caught and tortured by this Shestal person or whoever else is in charge of this place."

That sounded more possible than Suzaku would have liked. Determination rose inside him and he shut down everything that would not serve him for the purpose of his quest.

"Right. Let's get moving."

He and Lelouch could do anything together. They could do this too.

Zerolouch

"So this is the orangery where you buried me?"

Lelouch swept a hand over the tree trunk, taking a deep breath and inhaling the pleasant scent in the air. He wondered how it was possible for there to be air here. Both he and the other versions of him had already concluded it was not a real space. How had this been created?

"Do you really want to talk about this now?" Suzaku asked from behind him, disgruntled.

"Yes, actually. You can't blame me for being curious."

Also, he didn't know what to make of all of this. He had basically gone from willing God to not stop the march of time—which had presumably worked, according to his other selves—to waking up here and running into Suzaku—the Sir Kururugi version, who hated his guts.

The Zero version was far more sedate in his response, but then, a lot had changed since the Ragnarok Connection.

"I suppose I can't blame you for it, no." Suzaku paused. "Are you all right?"

"As fine as I can be, I suppose." Lelouch laughed. "I did just find out my whole life has been a lie, something like... ten minutes ago. Although, for you, it's been... two years."

Suzaku nodded. "A little over that, yes."

"I wish I had known. I wish... I don't know how I feel. About my mother. And even C.C."

"If it helps, C.C. did care for you. She stood by your side, until the end. Even when it became obvious that you had no intention of taking her code. And your mother and Charles got what they deserved. You made sure of that."

Right. He had killed them both in the world of C. He wished he had a memory of it. Without it, he sort of felt... cheated of his revenge.

But anyway, he supposed that was secondary. Most importantly... It seemed... Nunnally was still alive. And their goal, the goal he had always struggled to achieve, the gentle world he had been trying to build—he and Suzaku had managed to bring it all about.

That was an encouraging thought.

"Would you tell me... What the world was like? The world we created?"

Suzaku smiled, and it made him look softer, younger. "Yes. I can do that."

They were supposed to be exploring this strange place they had ended up in, but instead, they sat down at the base of one of the trees. Suzaku told him stories about Nunnally's time as an empress, about how the world had been rebuilt, about the second chance their efforts had brought about. The Black Knights were mentioned only in passing, and Lelouch was grateful for that. He was still sore about their betrayal, and about the fact that Rolo—the boy he had hated for acting as Nunnally's replacement—had been the one to save his life, proving to have been far more worthy of Lelouch's trust and affection than he had ever expected.

Suzaku's voice was soft as he spoke, so different from the brusque and almost militaristic demeanor he'd had when he'd delivered his earlier report. It reminded Lelouch of better times, when the three of them—he, Suzaku and Nunnally—had played together as children, when they had picked sunflowers, tasted the rain and laughed together as the wind passed through their hair.

He and Nunnally had been political hostages of the Kururugi family, and yet, somehow, Suzaku had managed to make it all worthwhile.

"Thank you," Lelouch said when Suzaku finally finished his tale. It wasn't just for the story itself, but for being there, in the end, for forgiving him, for carrying out the burden of the promise they had made. "It's nice to know that I wasn't just noise in the world."

"You weren't. You were so much more than that."

Suzaku's eyes were so very green, and Lelouch almost leaned in to steal a kiss. Julius's comments from earlier were apparently getting to him, and well... If he wanted to be perfectly honest, he'd always been attracted to Suzaku.

"I..." Suzaku whispered. "Lelouch..."

Lelouch tore himself away before Suzaku could distract him any further. They had a job to do here, and they had already lingered here too much. "We should probably go."

Suzaku cleared his throat and nodded. "Right. Yes. That would be good."

It was as the two of them got up that Lelouch noticed something was different. A few feet away from the treeline, a sunflower field had somehow manifested.

"What in the world... When did the sunflowers show up?"

Suzaku looked around, clearly as confused as Lelouch himself felt. "Uh... I had no idea. I didn't see them." He squinted and pointed at something now visible in the distance. "Hey... Is that the shrine? The Kururugi shrine?"

It was. And... Just beyond, if Lelouch looked a little further, he could catch a glimpse of the small house where he and Nunnally had stayed when they were ten.

"I was thinking about it earlier, about the time we spent there as children..." he whispered. "But if that's the case..."

"Then this whole place can't be Shestal's creation," Suzaku said. "It's something else."

Where were they, exactly? What had truly happened?

Well, there was only one way to find out. At least now, they had a tentative destination. The small house it was.

It was easy enough to make their way through the field. It was just like Lelouch remembered it, which, considering the fact that it appeared to have somehow been created from his memory, made perfect sense.

The Kururugi shrine was unchanged, as well, untouched by time. They went up the same set of stairs Lelouch had once climbed with Nunnally on his back, when he had been only ten, and then later, when he and Suzaku had met for their near-truce, before the disaster with the FLEIJA.

"I wonder what would have happened had Kanon not come then, that day," Suzaku mused out loud.

Looking at him, Lelouch had a sudden realization. "You weren't the one to arrange that, were you?"

For a few seconds, Suzaku looked surprised. It was apparent that he had briefly forgotten Lelouch didn't have all the memories he had.

"No, of course not," he said. "Schneizel arranged the whole thing, including Kanon following me."

"I suppose I should have realized that sooner."

But he hadn't, and he'd blindly ordered Kallen to kill Suzaku, even when he had known about Suzaku's Geass, just because the perceived betrayal had hurt so very much.

Damn it all to hell.

"Water under the bridge now," Suzaku said, as if guessing what he was thinking.

Lelouch nodded and forced himself to go past the entry, toward the small house. He didn't know what he expected to find inside, but it was definitely not... nothing.

Like the shrine, the hovel was identical to what Lelouch remember it to be. It was also very empty, and it held none of the answers Lelouch had been hoping for.

"Well, this is anticlimactic," Suzaku said as he entered the house behind Lelouch.

"Quite," Lelouch replied.

As he spoke, Lelouch noticed something he hadn't originally seen on the table. It looked like... a bottle? He picked it up and read the writing on the label. "It says... Use me. What is this, Alice in Wonderland?"

Suzaku extracted the bottle from his hold and opened it. "It doesn't trigger my Geass. I don't think it's dangerous. Let's check it out."

Lelouch had very real doubts about the validity of this plan. "Suzaku, we don't even know what it is."

In response, Suzaku poured—well, squirted—some of the contents of the bottle on his hand. "Oh," he said. "It's lube."

It was almost like a cue. As soon as he finished the sentence, the door closed behind them with a decisive bang. Lelouch was not as surprised as he should have been when he and Suzaku realized they couldn't open it. It was locked, but there was also some kind of barrier enforcing it, because when Suzaku tried to force it open, it didn't work.

Well, this was unfortunate.

"Any other ideas?" he asked Suzaku when it became obvious they were stuck.

Suzaku shrugged. "I vote for using it," he said, pointing at the lube.

"I'm not sure how that'll help us get out, Suzaku," Lelouch replied.

"It probably won't," Suzaku admitted. "But I haven't had sex in two years and I really want to have sex with you. So... What do you say?"

For a few seconds, Lelouch just considered his options. It was a really bad plan.

But on the other, he and Suzaku had both tried to think in perspective for the better part of their lives, and that hadn't worked out too well for them.

Screw it.

"I'm game," he said.

Suzaku didn't have to be told twice. In a mere flash, he reached for Lelouch. Elsewhere, a watching figure sighed in relief. At least two of them were doing what they were supposed to.

To make it clear, all the Suzakus will refer themselves as Suzaku when something is written from their POV. Same goes for the Lelouchs. There is a bit of a mix between what they will call one another now, but they will learn to use the names they picked for themselves.