This is my SUPER LATE addition to the Barson Spring Fic-a-thon hosted by The Barson Daily on Tumblr. I completely forgot until I got the reminder message. This story was already kind of in the works so my prompt was able to weave in seamlessly.

Spring Fic-a-than prompt: "Did you ever expect your life was going to end up like this?"

What if I was made for you and you were made for me
What if this is it, what if it's meant to be
What if I ain't one of them fools just playin' some game
What if I just pulled you close, what if I leaned in
And the stars line up and it's our last first kiss

-Kane Brown (What Ifs)

He gave one last wave to the crowd as the applause died down and people started to gather their things to leave. He turned his back to them, putting his own things in his bag, still being astounded that people would spend their money to come listen to him talk and answer questions for 90 minutes. Every time he walked into one of these lecture halls and saw all the chairs filled, he felt a little proud and a little guilty all at the same time. He quietly always gave part of his lecture fee to organizations that helped families like the Householder's. Families that needed help with very sick children, who maybe needed legal and mental health counseling. It is how he justified people wanting to hear from him after he had done what he did. And getting away with it. It still ate at him. So, he traveled. He went from hotel room to hotel room, speaking to nameless faces and having rubbery steak dinners with trustee group after trustee group, some of whom did their best to get him to stop the lecture circuit and come work for their school. But he always declined. Jumping from stop to stop gave him the chance to have no roots, to keep his mind busy with juggling his own schedule (he missed Carmen every time he looked at his calendar and had to make flight plans) and the exhaustive travel schedule he subjected himself to. Was he lonely? Yeah, but only when he let himself think about it. And think about her. And Noah. And the rest of that ragtag group of people that had become his family when he wasn't looking. Those people who had taken his mother in to their circle after he left. He would be forever grateful that Olivia and the rest of them had.

The crowd had thinned, based on the growing silence behind him. He always took his time leaving. He made the mistake of leaving with the group once and had gotten stuck on the steps of some building on some campus, having to answer more questions and having to deal with people screaming at him about what he had done. And how he was profiting from it. That's a mistake he only made once.

So, when the sound of footsteps moving toward him reached his ears, he froze for a moment. Periodically, someone who stay behind to try to catch his attention to either ask him more questions or harass him or, that one time, proposition him.

"I do have one last question for you if you have a moment" a voice said from behind him. The minute that voice reached his brain, it was like his heart stopped beating. Months. He had gone months without hearing that voice. He thought maybe he was dreaming. That sometimes happened. But he knew he wasn't. He could still hear a few stragglers at the back of the auditorium, talking on their way out. He stood straight up, turning his head in the direction of the voice just slightly. His attention belonged to her.

"What's that?" he managed to choke out.

"Is this what you imagined your life would be like when you took off all those months ago?" He turned toward her. He had to. And there she stood. Olivia Benson. In jeans and a t-shirt, jacket slung over her arm, sunglasses in her hair. He ran his eyes over her.

"What?" he breathed out. He watched as she moved toward the steps, climbing them onto the stage with him. She dropped her bag and jacket in the chair he never utilized even though it was always there. She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders, locking gaze with him. He was toast and he knew it in the depths of his brain. Whatever she had planned, he was going to fall for and there was nothing he could do about it.

"I asked if this is what you imagined your life to be when you left all those months ago. Remember? When you dropped those amazing words at my feet then went to ground?"

"Liv…"

She held up her hand. "No. My turn now." He snapped his lips shut and crossed his arms.

"The thing is, Rafa, I spent weeks so mad at you I couldn't even say your name. Like the thought of having to do that made me sick to my stomach. Then the first time I had to go to that office and your name wasn't on that door… I almost turned on my heel and left. But, then the anger started to fade away. I remembered you every time I had to move your scotch to get a wine glass down. When Noah would bring out some toy you bought him. The first time I walked into your mother's house and all those pictures of you…"

He groaned and dropped his head, knowing his mother's love of all pictures to be displayed.

"Yeah, your senior picture is something to behold." He groaned again.

"Once the anger faded, I started thinking about you. Out here. Traveling. Alone. So, I ask again? Is this what you wanted out of life when you left?"

"It's what I deserve. And even then, this is all too generous."

"What if it's not? What if you deserve more?"

"I don't, Liv."

She took a step toward him. He could see her tired, but beautiful eyes. The way an invisible weight rested on her shoulders. God, he had missed her. He opened his mouth to speak more, but she held up her hand to silence him, again.

"You do. You deserve to come home and be with your family."

"What if I bring everyone down?"

She shrugged. "What if you don't? What if you come home and everyone celebrates your return? What if you slip right back in seamlessly, like you had never left? What if you and I finally cross that line and go out on a date? What if I walk over there and plant my lips right on yours and that's our last first kiss?" With each word, she had stepped closer till he could feel her body heat against him.

"What if it's terrible?"

"What if it's amazing?" And before he could utter another word, she grabbed his face, pulling his lips against hers. The moment they touched he knew everything he had been telling himself about how staying away was for the best because what if he brought them all down was utter bullshit. There's no way something like how this kiss made him feel, how her hands felt running through his hair, how she molded against his body – there is no way any of that could be wrong. When his need to breath finally got the best of him, he pulled back, just a hair. She suddenly seemed more relaxed, more at peace, more like his Olivia.

"What if I convince you to blow off the rest of this lecture tour and come back to New York with me right now?" He laughed. A real laugh. It had been a very long time.

"If anyone could, it would be you, Olivia. But alas, I must finish this out."

"How much longer?"

"Six weeks. I've got some breaks during that time, a few days here and there. But then after that, I had planned to come back anyway and kiss you senseless like you just did to me."

She smiled. "You can still do that. I may have to insist."

"Can we at least get the first date out of the way so that way when I get back I can drag you right to bed?" She laughed like he hadn't heard in a long time, even before he left.

"You seem sure of yourself there, Barba. What if this first date is terrible?"

"What if I make sure it's not?" She pressed a light kiss to his cheek. "You have set the bar very high for yourself now." They quickly grabbed their things and he laced his fingers through hers as they walked out of the dark lecture hall, leaving several of his what ifs behind.