Chapter 5
"As he read, I fell in love, the way one falls asleep: slowly and then all at once."
John Green, The Fault in our Stars
31 December 1998
His presence was addictive. She craved him when he was not around. She felt empty when he was absent and sated when he was merely in the same room. He provided a warm distraction from all her pain. He was her quick fix. She tried to stay away from him and that lasted two nights. Now, his been in her bed for the last three nights. She couldn't resist the peace he continued to provide her.
So she used him.
His body, his mind, his words. To comfort, to feel safe.
Sometimes they just slept. Well, rarely. But sometimes.
She had to be honest. She was wildly attracted to Draco Malfoy. He seemed to incite a fire in her that was uncontrollable whenever he entered the room.
Imagine the effect of his hands.
He knew how to sexually manipulate her body in ways she had never even realised. Their dalliances were never the same but always better than the previous encounter. They fit too well together. Attentive and observant and it helped in the pleasuring department.
She gave as much as she got.
And she received plenty.
She was in lust with Draco Malfoy that was obviously evident.
Luckily no one was here, with them, to observe the changes in their relationship. But that will only last for another three days as today was New Year's Eve and everyone returns on the third. So they spent every moment together.
So that's where she found herself at the moment. Sitting on his lap with his arms circling her mid-section. They were snogging passionately. Running their hands all other each other. Every inch, every spot. The kiss looked so passionate and intimate, people might think they were actually a couple in love but alas they were far from that.
"Okay, wait!"
She pried herself from his arms and went to the window. Opened it and took a deep breath. Then exhaled. She looked into the night. The minutes of the old year was drawing to a close and wondered if she would ever be whole again. She wondered if that is what the New Year would bring in.
She knew how bad things were for her.
Her addiction to Draco and his words. His body and what he did to her with it.
But that was all he did. Distract with his body. They tried never to bring up any of their actual issues. So they lived in some sick delusion where they love each other and cannot get enough of each other.
Okay, maybe the latter was true.
But this will not be enough for long. She needed to get a semblance of her life back and she needed to get herself back. She needed it more than anything and it seemed the longer she thought about it, the more she panicked. She panicked that she would be forced to be broken for the rest of her life. She would never be Hermione Granger again. She would be this shell that was addicted to sex with Draco Malfoy. She would never have her family with Ron. She would lose him because she could not subject him to sharing a life with this person she had become.
"You worry too much, Granger. "
He laid back on the armchair they were just engrossing themselves in each other a few minutes ago.
":And you worry about nothing."
"True, but about this, your worry is redundant."
She sighed and looked out to the sky again. She then felt his warm, soft hands on her hips. She inhaled his aroma and her blood began to simmer. He leaned into her neck and inhaled her. As he did so he whispered,
"Six months, Granger. Six months."
He softly breathed onto her neck which caused her to shiver involuntarily. He took that as a sign to continue. He turned her around and kissed her with sincerity and tenderness she didn't know he possessed.
This Draco she could love.
She pushed the thought away and allowed him to her kiss her, by the open dormitory window, while Professor Flitwick's firework display signalled the commencement of the New Year.
…
2 January 1999
He opened his eyes as the light poured into her room's window. His automatic response was to reach out for her. It was utterly insane to be here, to do this but he learnt a long time ago that he would not deny his wants due to social acceptability. He had already accepted that she was what he wanted. Well, for now. He would seduce, coerce manipulate as much as he could to keep her for as long as possible. So she was his. The Weasley may or may not get her back.
Draco doubted her reasons for even loving the hopeless case. He doubted the Weasel knew her body as well he did now. He doubted he could understand her mind as Draco does without words even being exchanged. He understood what she was going through and he'd give her everything she needed. Would the Weasel? Could he?
She was broken but parts of her were healing and she may not see it but she was coming into her own again. Can the Weasel accept his part in her life? Accept how deeply intimate they have become. By giving into their delusions they have allowed the other to see exactly what their hearts desire despite the insanity of the notion.
He needed someone to love him without reservation or condition. Hermione Granger gave him that dream. The illusion as she stands for that type of love. She represents it. Lately, she's become more and more believable. He wondered…
A pan made a clanging sound.
He got up and went to the kitchen to see what the fuck was happening.
When he got there, Granger was cooking up a storm.
With magic.
He stood there watching her and absorbed a rare sight of her being who she used to be.
She was flicking and twirling her wand like the expert she was and there was no hesitation.
She has not felt so confident or comfortable in a while, he knew. This was good.
"Very domesticated, aren't we Granger?"
She gave out a small squeak at the sound of his sudden voice but recovered quickly. Though not without a blush.
"Yes, well, I wanted to surprise you."
Now he was caught off guard. He knew she was this type of girl. He gets her at night but in the day? He was utterly shocked at this sentiment.
"Please, sit down, I'll be with you shortly."
He did what she said. He went to the kitchen counter. The same kitchen counter they were together for the first time on.
"So why are you doing this?"
She looked at him, glanced down for a second, and then looked at him with slight defiance in her eyes.
"I thought we could extend the delusion."
"Why?"
"Why not?"
He smiled. That rare smile that he reserved for people he was completely comfortable with and could be himself with. She was everything he is not and vice versa. Yet, he was here, smiling broadly at her.
She smiled back for a second then went back to her work.
He sat and waited for her patiently. Something Ron would have never done. One distinct difference.
When she completed the last task, she settled on the chair next to him and with a flick the food appeared on his plate.
He cocked his head to the side looking at her. Then had a thought.
"Let's kick up the delusion."
He leaned into her, took her check and kissed her with all the emotions racing through his body. She responded and did the same. After a moment or two, he pulled back a bit and they learned their heads together. Then he pulled back a bit more and looked directly into her eyes. He cupped her face gently. His eyes were a dangerous storm that would engulf her and she was not sure if she would survive the assault this moment was inflicting on her heart.
"I need you. I need this. I'm not sure what is happening or when this will end but belong to me. For now, while we heal, while we find what we are supposed to need. But Hermione, please, I need this. Let's just take this from the world, for a while."
With the last line, he swept them off into the storm and welcomed the havoc it caused within themselves.
Though, classic Hermione, wondered how this was a delusion anymore.
…
"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be and if all else remained and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger."
Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights
10 January 1999
"Draco, darling, how have you been?" Astoria said as she hugged Draco.
"Cut the bullshit, Tori. You are and will never be a lady."
"True, but I may have to start conforming. You know, Lady Malfoy and all."
Draco gave a tight smile. The notion of being forced into marriage was starting to look more and more unappealing. With Granger, the illusion they were fortunate to experience, in the last few days, showed him what he really wanted and not what he will be forced to live for the rest of his life. He wasn't even sure if it was Granger or just what she represented. He was still figuring that out.
The sex was incredible and erotic as fuck. He would have never guessed Granger would be so open to all the crazy shit he wanted to try. She did it though. With the same passion she did everything else. She trusted him. That was evident and he really did not know what to make of that.
He was never in a relationship where trust was present. As Slytherin mistrust was inherent. Add in the war (everything everyone was forced to go through) and it can be understood that everyone would be on edge. Each person lost something or someone. Not one magical individual could say they weren't grieving something or someone. The obvious losses were loved ones. Then the less obvious, more abstract, were the virtue and innocence people like Draco had to offer up for the war. Now his mind would forever be tarnished with the nightmares that would plague his dreams for the foreseeable future. At least he hadn't lost any true loved ones. The people he truly and wholeheartedly loved were alive and well. He only lost his youth. He wasn't minimising his losses but in comparison to Granger, he could see how small they were.
"Mother was babbling about the wedding incessantly. The colour palette, the flowers, the music, blah blah blah. I have no interest in the arrangement of my demise."
Draco laughed. "Demise?"
"Yes, Lord Malfoy, demise. We are repeating or upholding tradition and that to me is demise. Misery will be on our doorsteps in July. What's tragic is, we'll smile about the sentencing of our lives as we know it. Why? Because it is expected."
"My word, Tori, the festive season has made you wise beyond your years."
"No, the war has. I know I was all okay with it last September but I feel we've been through so much just to be living a life we're forced to live. It seems like a waste. But of course I tried to bring that up but my mother nearly avadad herself, so I let it go. Father is completely unapproachable. If it wasn't for my high maintenance life and the fact that I actually love my family, I'd run away and tell them to sod off. But there's no way I would ever give up my money nor leave my family. The war made us all appreciate what we have as well."
"Yeah, I've been on that wave length for a while."
"Very talkative aren't you?" Tori laughed.
"So what exactly have you been doing with your year?"she asked.
"Oh you know, here and there a girl or two."
"That's not what the girls have been saying. Apparently Drake the Rake has been servicing himself this past month. They say you were your usual flirtatious, man whore self then poof, you became all conservative. They just cannot understand it but I am fairly intelligent, Draco. You have someone. You love sex too much to give it up. In fact, it's your coping mechanism."
"So who is she?" Astoria pryed.
Draco kept his face expressionless and answered;
"I have no idea what you're on about."
"Ooooh, you're guarding her honour. She must be someone scandalous!"
"Tori, you're revealing your diapers."
Astoria giggled. "Aww Draco, you're no fun. I hope you'll be more agreeable when we're married."
"You know –"
"Hermione!"
Draco was pulled away from his conversation with his almost fiancé to see a red haired banshee run towards his lover, who was engrossed in a book by the fireplace. Granger was startled by the red head's shout but once she recovered, she jumped up and embraced the ginger girl.
They started talking animatedly. Draco watched her. She seemed more alive these days. He was sort of proud of her. She probably lost the most in this war. Yet here she was recovering. Though no one would know her drug of choice and Draco would not be revealing it if that meant losing her.
He had been pondering her role in his life since last September. That time in the kitchen was supposed to be a once off. Then it became a purely delusion based physical need. Now he was not sure.
He was at first forced to see her more in this shared dormitory then when he knew what she felt like, and he could admit now, she was part of his better dreams. He didn't know when he started observing her and her habits. But he now knew this Hermione Granger.
Like her, he was an academic. He watched her when she had become a part of his periphery. Even before he shared her bed, he knew she was up at dawn when she manged to sleep. She would have one slice of toast with nothing on it with black coffee while reading some enormous volume of something. Then off to the shower she'd go and come out all wet haired but neat. She would always have bags under her eyes. With a haunted expression plastered on her face like the make up the other girls wore. She would move through her day like a robot. She was clearly suffering immensely and no one was able to help her. Until he joined her little dark world.
Before she was forced to endure all these dark clouds always surrounding her, he had to admit he did notice her. It might not be for the same reasons as now, but he noticed her regardless. She was eager to absorb all the knowledge this world had to offer her. She was clearly entirely enthralled by this world which was most definitely new to her. But many people might think she felt inadequate because she was a muggleborn and she may have felt like that in the beginning but she came into her own and found her place. To Draco, she looked as if she belonged more than some witches and wizards. He could openly admit that to himself now.
Hermione Granger owned her magic like the powerful witch she was always meant to be and looking back, she deserved to be revered.
Not be tortured, lose her parents and lose herself. Draco was a prat when he was younger, he knew this. Completely drenched in the dogma his father professed, Draco could have never really seen her like he was able to now.
Fuck was he grateful that he changed his perception of her.
Looking at her grow stronger in the past couple of days so rapidly, gave him a feeling of accomplishment. He wanted her, now not only for the mind blowing sex they seemed to illicit each time, but just for her. He wanted her. He was starting to think of ways to keep her.
That weasel needed to go first.
…
"So how have you been? How's the nightmares? I was really worried about it when you convinced me to leave you here all alone." Ginny explained.
Hermione hesitated for a second before she answered her best friend. She could outright lie to her best friend as that would buy her more time. But she really did not want to do that. Her friends were her only family now. She really did not want to poison her relationships with lies.
Though conversely she really was not ready to have anyone find about her escapades with Draco, er, Malfoy. It would be best to leave it Malfoy. She might get caught using his first name. So yes, Malfoy it has to stay.
To be honest, she did not want anyone to find out about her, oh gosh, she didn't even have a name for it. Their thing. They had sex, lied to each other and helped each other get through the night. That was their deal and it worked so well while Ginny was gone.
It actually worked so well, she was starting to soften whenever he entered the room. She always knew he was extremely attractive. Even when he was threatening her life or calling her mudblood. He was a handsome son of a bitch. That's why feeling that sizzle in the pit of her stomach was not too uncomfortable. It was not necessary to convince herself not to feel that way. That day in the kitchen last September was sort of necessary, as attraction was culminating between the two for years. All the frustration, insults, banter etc. Everything that ever exchanged between the two of them could be seen as foreplay. Hence the tryst they had in the kitchen was not too surprising. But seeing him as a human being was most definitely unnerving.
His words at night were so seductive and calming simultaneously. He soothed and ignited the fire in her. He made her feel safe but also took her to heights she never knew existed. He awoke something alive in her that has been sleeping ever since she found out her parents passed away.
Draco didn't treat her like a princess though. No eggshells for him. She wasn't fragile to him though lately she was feeling damn precious. She wondered these days how they would be in a real relationship.
Though that was the thing. Their relationship, thing or whatever one would name it, was not real. They never spoke about real issues that a couple would talk about. They never spoke about their families and Hermione was starting take a real interest in him. Maybe even a fancy.
He was so mysterious and complex. For the past couple of years we all thought he was a spineless twat, and granted he was a twat, but he was an intricate twat. Fascinating he was to Hermione and he piqued something in her that made her feel like breathing wasn't a chore anymore.
So she really didn't want to expose their little piece of heaven yet. If ever. But how could she answer Ginny without lying?
"I've been trying a new type of therapy. And it's been having the best results. So far."
"Oh wow. Ron will be so happy to hear that. Oh speaking about Ron, the terrible two might make a turn next week. Well I hope it's a definite. We need to speak to McGonagall about accommodation. I'm sure she'll allow them to stay here. There is space. Then we can swop rooms."
She gave me a knowing smirk.
"Er sure, Gin."
Shit! Ron was coming?
"Okay, Mione, I'll go take a nap, the train ride was taxing to say the least. "
She gave Hermione a peck on the cheek and skipped along to their room.
Hermione forgot Ginny stayed in her room.
…
Draco who had continued his talk with Astoria in the kitchen, watched the exchange between the two witches in the living room. He watched how Granger's face took on a shocked expression, then recovered. When the ginger scampered off, he watched Granger's forehead furrow into a frown. She looked like she was working out a problem.
At that precise moment she must have felt his stare because she looked up.
When they stared at each other for a second, Draco winked at her.
Her expression was so shocked, Draco had to laugh as he walked Astoria out of the kitchen and to the exit.
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters, plots, etc. do not belong to me. This is my manipulation of J.K Rowling's characters. They belong and will always belong to her.
Thank you for reading thus far. Please leave a review. I would really appreciate it. If you pick up any mistakes, please let me know.