Chapter 6

"If you desire healing,
let yourself fall ill
let yourself fall ill."
― Rumi

19 January 1999

Ginny Weasley was observing her best friend from her side of their room. She watched Hermione absorb knowledge from that monstrous book like a Dementor sucking out someone's soul. She smiled a small, personal smile. Her friend really seemed to be getting better. She understood that the last year was especially devastating for Hermione but she showed no signs of improvement until now. She couldn't describe how elated she was. Ginny has had little to be delighted about lately but Hermione's improvement is hope that everything might just be okay. One day.

"You really look good, Hermione," Ginny said sincerely.

Hermione Granger was slightly startled by her friend's sudden comment. She looked at Ginny, slightly embarrassed. Ginny took it as the usual Hermione response. She always blushed when people were particularly affectionate toward her. Though that was a factor, Hermione was mainly responding in this fashion due to her blatant deception.

While she was reading, before Ginny's comment, Hermione had been trying to figure out how she could go to Draco without alerting Ginny later on. She knew it was pointless to deny that she needed him. Now she needed to come up with some plausible explanation so that she didn't rouse suspicion.

"Thank you, Ginny."

"I was really worried about you, we all were. You are Hermione Granger and you always seemed so strong, so capable. Seeing you so broken really fractured my soul even more than losing Fred. You always endure, you always survive and you weren't. And now, and now you're just excelling at another highly impossible task. You basically lost everything but here you are. Going on. Coping and I know eventually you will thrive again. You'll be our Hermione again."

"Ginny I don't need you to put me on a pedestal. I will never be her again. The war changed us all. We will never be the same again for various reasons. We all suffered. I am no different."

With that she got up and went to the kitchen.

Ginny was a bit taken aback. She didn't expect that response. She didn't understand why her friend reacted like that. Still confused, she shrugged and went to sleep. She was quite exhausted from the train journey that afternoon.

…

Hermione was a bit miffed. Why did they always insist on seeing her as perfect or as a constant role model? Ginny looked at her in awe and it irritated her to no end. With those expectations, she was expected to never make a mistake. Never to falter.

She seethed for all of five minutes then slumped into her usual depressive mode. It seemed to be her default these days. She settled by the island in the kitchen and stared at the stainless steel without seeing.

Draco saw her enter the kitchen because he was in the living room. When he saw she was clearly upset, he got up to see what the matter was. He wondered what the Weaselette had to say that got his witch in a tizzy.

"What did She-Weasel say to upset you?" He asked her once he entered the kitchen.

She heard him and looked in his direction. Due to her current sombre mood, she didn't even react to his sudden appearance. She took her time thinking of her response. They never spoke about these topics outside of the bedroom. They weren't in a relationship as she had to remind herself continuously. But here he was asking her a question that was not at all beneficial to him in any way.

"They expect so much from me."

"Elaborate."

"They expect me to be perfect every second of every day. I must always be the one that is strong, put together while they are always dysfunctional for some mundane reason. I must fix things. Always."

"It is expected, " she finished.

Draco said nothing.

"They believe I am some wonder witch that can overcome every 'highly impossible task" as Ginny so eloquently put it. That my mistakes are myths and they could not be further from the truth. Especially not now."

She got up from the bar stool by the counter of the island. She was being a bit too honest and it held a certain intimacy she really could not handle at the moment. When she got to where he was standing and tried to go around him, he grabbed her right arm.

Firmly.

"Kindly remove your hand from my person," she ordered him.

"Sure, once you tell me why her comment bothered you so much. Tell me was it that they think you're perfect, as you arrogantly put it, or is it that you're afraid they won't approve of your mechanism of coping?"

He kept her firmly in place and gazed into her eyes. He saw as realisation flickered in her eyes. Her eyes widened slightly as he hit the nail on the proverbial head. Maybe she hadn't realised what the real problem was. She was only just recovering so she was not at full Hermione Granger capacity. She will get there soon. He will make sure of it.

"The latter, "she said bluntly with some venom.

Draco continued to pierce her with his current steel glare. She had not evaded the truth. That was a good sign. He could be getting closer to her. Then his stare softened and he situated himself directly in front of her and cupped her face.

"You know why they hold you so high up on their diamond encrusted, goblin made pedestal?"

"Obviously because I'm supposed to be the smart one. I am the fixer."

"Partly. But the main reason why they hold and keep you on that pedestal is because you allow them to place all that pressure on you. How the fuck can you have lost your parents and expect to heal so quickly? You insist that you are being a liability to your friends but for fucks sake why the hell not? They have been a fucking liability to you since day one. Why can you not screw up, just for once? And in my honest opinion I think that's why you're struggling to move on. You are more worried about being okay for them than being okay for you. Truly mourning. I mean we have privileges and freedom, I do not recall you ever slipping away and visiting your parents' gravesites. You are so far in denial it is by far a catastrophic insult to your usually brilliant mind."

She was about to retort when he cut her off. She completely missed the compliment as well.

"Look I am not Weasel. I will not sugar coat it and I think that's why you need me. You need me to break down the delusions you have built up and help you face the truth step by step. And you know what with all your fucked up mental shit, you are still okay in my eyes."

Okay what? Okay? What does that mean? Then he let go of her and made to walk back to the lounge, but halted by the door and said;

"Don't stay away tonight because you may need me but …but I need you too."

…

So she slipped out. It was actually quite simple. She waited until Ginny was sound asleep and left her a note:

Needed to step out for my new therapy. Don't worry.

Love you.

Hermione

The plan was simple and allowed her an alibi for future liaisons. Also, she wasn't really lying.

…

Hermione slipped into his room and saw that he was fast sleep but somewhat restless. So she slipped into his bed, went to his ear and said;

"Draco, you're okay too."

Since the war, Draco had become a light sleeper so the dynamic shift of his bed already roused him. What she said woke him up entirely.

"Draco, what is this?"

"I honestly don't know but I want it. Don't end it."

He pulled her close and kissed her sweetly. He coerced her mouth open with his tongue ever so gently, allowing her to also make the decisions. She opened up her mouth and entered his mouth slowly with her tongue. Their tongues danced while their hands roamed. She had a sleep shorts and tank top (blue with black butterflies) on, therefore not too tough to remove but he didn't remove anything as yet. His hand ventured down and became a bit more risqué.

He glided into her with his fingers and gently massaged her. She started squirming a bit. And moaning. She was lying next to him, flat on her back. He was lying on his side kissing her and doing sinful things with his fingers.

She gasped as she felt her climax coming on quite fast and he sped up his fingers and quickly, even violently sent her over the edge.

"Woah! You are too good at that. I don't even want to know how."

With that she kissed him, flipped him around and sat on top of him, straddling him. She wandlessly removed their clothes. She could now feel him throbbing against her but she didn't put him in. She instead gazed down at him then bent down to kiss him fiercely. This time her mouth attacked his. No slow seduction. She was entirely too needy now.

He matched her ferocity and placed his hands on her hips and started grinding against her opening. He could feel she was getting wetter and wetter by the moment.

She never took charge like this. It was interesting and he had to say he liked it. Liked her.

She placed her hand between them, located his member and positioned it at her entrance.

He couldn't wait anymore, he thrust himself inside her and they both groaned audibly.

He used his pelvis to fuck her fast and she gave back everything he was giving her.

From his perspective, she looked glorious. Her eyes were dark with lust and want. The delicious moans, she emitted just drove him further to his finish. His heartbeat was racing and it felt exhilarating.

With a few more thrusts, she called out his name when she climaxed and promptly collapsed on top of him.

She fell asleep like that and he encircled her with his arms.

…

Dear Ginny and Hermione

We're really sorry but we cannot make it out to see you. Due to the nature, we cannot disclose why. But know that we really wanted to see you two as well. So Ginny, try not to hex us when we do eventually make it out to see you two. This was out of our control. But please Hermione, don't fret, we are okay and auror training is gruelling but nothing we cannot handle.

We love you and miss you.

Harry & Ron

…

Hermione felt slightly melancholic after reading their note. Despite her anxiety over actually seeing Ron, she still missed him terribly. He possessed a warmth in him that provided her with comfort that eased her troubles. That was another difference between Draco and Ron. Ron eased, Draco invaded and consumed.

Though despite the disappointment, she was not as upset as Ginny. For obvious reasons.

"This is bollocks! I was really looking forward to this!" Ginny exclaimed.

"I know Ginny but they will try their best to visit as soon as possible. You know this. They wouldn't let us down unnecessarily. Just try to be patient. I know you miss Harry and you really wanted to see him but I'm sure he will make it up to you."

"No more than your anticipation to see Ron."

"Of course Ginny."

…

Hermione waited in his room and unconsciously let her eyes roam around his room. He was unnaturally tidy for an individual from the male species. Hermione observed that everything had its place and it was quite refreshing to see a man, for in the wizarding world he was most definitely a man, take responsibility of his personal possessions and his environment.

However, from her position which was on his bed, which was centred in his room, parallel to his study desk, she saw an old A3 leather bound, brown book. It was right at the bottom of a neat pile of books. The books were what they were currently using therefore the brown A3 book being included, was peculiar. Draco and Hermione were in all the same classes this year.

She tried to settle her curiosity but her interest had been sparked and honestly it was probably an extra book. He surely would not mind too much.

Once she convinced herself, she stood up and walked to the desk and extracted the book carefully.

It was a sketch pad and the artist was ingeniously talented.

The attention to detail was marvellous. She noticed each sketch was done in charcoal. It was initialled at the end of every page, DM.

As she flicked carefully through the book, she halted at an odd sketch. It was incomplete. She studied it.

"Oh my!" she said aloud.

It was a sketch of her. Asleep. He has been studying her, in detail, in her sleep. In this sketch, she seemed peaceful. As if she never experienced the war.

With his mere presence, she looked serene. He cannot be bad for her if he made her find her peace again.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Hermione jumped and with that let the book drop. The pages scattered on the floor and she quickly dropped to her knees and collected them.

"I'm sorry for intruding, really but these are magnificent, Draco!" she said while gathering them and once she was done, she stood up, looked at him and smiled brightly.

She looked so positive and glowing, he was slightly startled by the wattage. Firstly, because she hasn't smiled this brightly since his been in close relations with her. Secondly, it was never directed at him. It was usually a shy smile or a scowl. Not this radiant emmision. It actually took him aback. Of course then the irritation seeped through directly after that.

"Is there any particular reason why you felt you could invade my privacy? Why you thought you could look at my most private belongings?"

She remained quiet. Guilt was starting to course through her.

"I thought respecting others was a Gryffindor noble and shit. But only when it fucking suits you hey? "

"Dra-"

"Shut up! You had no right. Didn't your parents teach you basic etiquette? Well too bad they're dead now or you could have asked them to make up for their lack of instruction in that regard."

He saw the hurt flicker across her face at the mention of the word parents. But he didn't relent.

"Who the fuck do you think you are? My girlfriend? I wouldn't share this part of me even if you were ever so privileged to call yourself that," he cut into her. Because that's what Draco did. Lash out whenever he was threatened or feeling insecure.

Hermione was completely unprepared for his verbal assault. Though in hindsight, it was pretty naïve of her. She knew who Draco Malfoy was even though she had deluded herself into thinking he was some other man. A man who might care about her. He made her feel like that sometimes. But times like these, he reared his true colours.

The magnitude of the situation was not dependant on what he was saying to her because honestly, she could take it. She could take it if she wasn't sleeping with him and bloody enjoying his company.

She could take it if she wasn't so infatuated with him.

He seemed like he matured but now she was not so sure.

She allowed him to touch her in ways not even Ron explored. He knew her deepest fears and her greatest desires. These were revealed in those sinful lies each time it was repeated. She deluded herself into thinking he was helping her, that he was starting to care about her. The thought alleviated her guilt for sinking to this level of desperation. She thought he was softening toward her. He kissed her with such sincerity and those lies he graced her with were so believable. But he is a Malfoy. Lying is a prerequisite.

Her smile had vanished when he cut into her. The words were painful to hear therefore it took her some time to ground herself and gather some strength. She took one breathe, two and then three.

"I apologise for the intrusion. It will not happen again. Good night Malfoy," she said it coldly and cordially.

Her parents did fucking teach her manners.

…

Fuck!

He just screwed up all the progress he had made in the last couple of weeks. She was finally opening up herself completely to him. It was a bit foolhardy in his opinion, to trust him so quickly but he loved it. And now, his fucking temper messed up everything. If she slapped him again, he could have handled that. But that detached approach was entirely unnerving.

Why the fuck was she invading his privacy? His art was his only secret. The only entity that tangibly belonged to him alone. Why did she push herself into his life like that?

Fuck!

It's because she cares about him. She wants to share his life. She wants to know him and he just effectively evicted her from his life and he had no clue how to get her back.

…

Ginny was busy studying on her bed when Hermione entered their room.

Ginny could see Hermione was upset. But she didn't look in a sharing mood. Hermione would crease her forehead and would mutter to herself slightly. So with these signals present, Ginny was one hundred percent sure her friend was quite emotional at the moment.

Ginny decided to leave her alone. They all had times where they were fraying at the edges. She would come to her if she needed her.

With that Ginny went back to her studying while Hermione left the room hurriedly.

…

She needed some air. So she decided to go to the Astronomy Tower.

She reached the Astronomy Tower's doors and opened them onto the balcony. She embraced the biting chill that welcomed her. She took a deep breath and reflected on the past two hours.

Hermione thought she discovered true humanity in him and as swiftly as she found it, he ripped the image away from her. Why the hell did he have to be so utterly and absolutely cruel? She understood that he felt vulnerable because it was something very intimate and private that she discovered but was it necessary to always her on default. When he became like that, he looks ready to kill. To draw blood. He most certainly did tonight.

And Hermione? Well, she had made up her mind. She has wallowed enough and this sickness, this disease that has overtaken her emotional body must heal now. One thing Draco taught her was to face up to the ugly parts of her past and with that move on. Hermione had made up her mind and anyone who knew Hermione, knew when she made up her mind, it was full steam ahead. She didn't know how but she would figure it out somehow.

She felt his presence behind her.

She did not say a word.

"Look, I will never be easy to deal with. I always react immaturely when I do not have grip on my emotions. And that part of me no one knows. I had never intended to share it with anyone."

Still, she said nothing but she could feel him moving closer towards her. His warmth pulsed and it was sending waves her way.

"But I am sorry for ill-treating you. For mentioning your parents so callously."

Draco remained silent thereafter. She still had her back turned towards him. Then suddenly she flipped around and glared at him with dangerously, fired up eyes.

"I apologise once again for the intrusion but you had no right to want to cause me unnecessary pain. You did that to cause me pain."

She then simmered down and looked so vulnerable. He had an urge to go to her and comfort her. Which was ironic as he was the cause of her upset.

"Draco, I can't do this with you if you cannot respect me. I know the way this started may have given you the idea that I do not deserve respect especially with what happened right with you and Astoria last September. But that is not me. I was and am not well. Not in my full capacity. But I feel like I am healing. And despite your approach, you helped me. I thank you for that."

"Why does it feel like you are breaking this thing off?"

"I think we must."

"And at night?"

"Draco, I'll go and get the help I deluded myself into thinking I don't need."

"Are you sure because…"

He didn't want this to end. Not at all. So he decided to sacrifice his pride.

"Because I want you. I don't want to lose you."

"Draco, this is not me. I do not have flings with no strings attached. It is not part of my makeup. And you? That's all you are about. I mean for all I know you are sleeping with entire straight, female population of Hogwarts. We have some fucking odd arrangement. And my morals cannot compute or justify my behaviour any longer. Despite my feelings for you."

He didn't know what was more shocking, her declaration of her feelings for him or her cussing. Hermione Granger hardly cussed.

"Your feelings?"

"Draco you know me. I am a Gryffindor through and through. My heart is always in everything I do. That's why the loss of my parents was so profound. My heart is always on my sleeve."

"So you're, what, in love with me?"

"Don't flatter yourself," she said with a snort.

"Undignified Granger."

"Anyway, I think over all we have been reading each other wrong. A misunderstanding if you will." Her courage of the last minute had seemed to evaporate

"Yes," he said. Not making this easy for her.

"Oh bollocks! You're driving me utterly insane."

"I've been told I have that effect on women. Some men as well."

"Okay then I am not continuing this damn conversation. You have embarrassed me enough today, I think."

She made her way to pass him but he caught her by her arm.

"Firstly, I am not a slag. I don't sleep with multiple birds. And if that was the way I operated, you would have captivated my attentions instantly. As it happens, you did. I noticed you way before we started this. After our escapade in the kitchen, you all but solidified my attraction towards you."

"I don't just feel attraction. I'm going to be blunt. I don't love you."

"But I could."

"So you want an actual relationship?" Draco asked." Dates, flowers, picnics? Basically courting?"

"Yes and I think we need to slow things down. Give us a real chance."

"What exactly does the slowing down entail?'

"Uhm… No sex. We start by the first date and progress like any normal couple. "

"You think you can last?"

"What the hell does that mean?"

"You are a bit of a sex addict."

"What! Me?"

Then Draco promptly burst out laughing.

"You are an incorrigible ferret!"

That stopped him.

"When will you let me live that down?" he said with a sigh.

"Probably never. But seriously are you up for it?"

"No sex?"

"No sex right now but definitely in the future. If we have a future together."

His eyes became quicksilver and he encircled her waist." We definitely have a future." He said in a low,seductive whisper. He whispered it directly into her ear. Shivers spiralled down her spine. Her libido was kicked into gear.

Then he left her go and she immediately missed his warmth. The contact. The touch.

"Okay. A real relationship."

"With no sex?" She asked coyly.

"Yes, with no sex. For as long as you can hold out." With that, before she could retort, he grabbed her, pulled her close and allowed a rare intimate embrace.

She embraced him and forgave their previous altercation.

For now.

Disclaimer: Not mine. J.K Rowling's. Read and review.

Quick question: Do you like Astoria?And do you miss Harry and Ron?