Knowing

It was raining again. May began but did with rain. Spring seemed like it would never arrive with torrential rain and the high for the day no more than seventy degrees. Ryuji sat across from Mishima at his favorite ramen place. He missed eating regular fattening foods. Dating Lana had him eating vegan, gluten-free, vegetarian, and whatever else health nuts ate too much of. He never considered Lana a health nut and he did not totally dislike the food, but he realized how much he changed to please her.

Makoto wasn't like that.

They weren't dating per say but spent a lot of time together. Sometimes he would pick her up after work. They'd get dinner or eat at Sae's. They'd talk; a lot. He didn't know he missed talking to someone. At one time that someone was Akira, but their friendship became strained when he learned Ryuji knew Ann was leaving and never told him.

Akira was not one to lose his temper. He wasn't one to become upset, or violent. He was calm; always calm. He wasn't calm at that time.

When he told him, they were walking back from a night out with Mishima. It plagued him the whole evening. There was a lot on his mind. He received an email from Ann earlier that day. She told him about Michael and that she was visiting with big news. He knew the secret he kept for so long couldn't be a secret any longer.

He figured he'd ease him into the news with a few drinks. He thought Akira would be disappointed but believed they would settle it over a few beers. He was wrong.

He didn't expect Akira's grab of his collar. He expected his upset, but not his rage. To Ryuji, Akira's eyes looked similar to that time in their youth, when he became the Persona user they called 'Joker'.

"You knew?!" He shouted. Mishima held onto Akira to the best of his ability but struggled. There wasn't much Ryuji wanted to remember from that moment. However, his bloody lip did stay with him for a while. Akira apologized later and they spoke occasionally, but they were never the same.

Post dinner with Mishima, he went to Makoto's apartment. When she greeted him with a kiss, while he took his shoes off at the door he really felt - if he allowed himself - he could stop punishing himself with Ann and fall for a woman like Makoto instead.

She was the opposite of him; perfect.

She was studying. She had her books in her lap, and her feet in his. She chewed on the bottom of her pen. The television was on. Though he stared at it, Ryuji wasn't really watching. He occasionally looked at Makoto; when she placed her hair behind her ear or when she would look up at the television screen, then back to her book. He stared at her so long, he wondered if he was dreaming. She glanced over at him and found his gaze a bit worrying. Makoto touched his cheek and broke him out of his trance. He blinked a few times and his expression softened, "Hey, are you okay?" She asked. Ryuji blinked a few times and felt tears well in his eyes, "Ryuji?"

He pulled her close and held her to his chest; the book fell to the ground. He was embarrassed; afraid she would see him for what he was. A liar; coward; desperate for love. He wanted what they shared at that moment, but he wanted it for the rest of his life – and he was terrified. He feared she would realize she was too good for him. He feared he'd be unable to love her; like Lana. He feared she'd judge him for wanting that moment with Ann.

He felt like trash; using other women to fill in for Ann. He imagined a settled life for himself but with Ann; Ann who he could never have because he wasn't bold enough to admit his feelings. Ann who he could never have because she never loved him back. Why couldn't have loved someone else?

Makoto hugged him. She held him tightly and felt the pellets of tears fall onto her. She rubbed his back. Ryuji cried for a bit. He didn't say anything and she didn't pry. When he seemed all right enough they kissed. On that occasion, it was less about their attraction and more about being there for one another. They became intimate on the sofa. Afterwards, they laid together; her head on his chest.

"Makoto, why couldn't I fall in love with you, instead?" Makoto blushed and arose from her spot on his chest. She looked away, hiding her bashfulness. Ryuji sat up and poked her cheek with his index finger. "I mean, you're perfect."

"Ryuji, stop. I'm not!" She shook her head and buried her head in her hands. Ryuji pulled her close to him and held her. Though they were alone and safe, he shielded her, "I'm a coward! I'm running away from everything. If I do well on the LSAT, I plan to go to law school in the U.S. I'm running away from Sae when she needs me most because I can't stand It! I can't stand the idea of not being with him."

"Don't be with him."

"What do you mean?"

"For one, don't leave your sister when she's about to be a new mom. You'd regret it. You don't want that. And don't want to be with him. Be with me", Makoto's eyes widened and she pulled away from Ryuji's embrace. She stared at him with great confusion. He extended his hand to her chest and placed it over her heart. With his other hand, he took hers and placed it over his. "Be with me, Makoto," She felt his heartbeat. Though he held a serious gaze, his heart raced. She wondered if he was nervous; if he feared rejection. She also wondered if he felt the same nervousness in her heart.

"Why me? I'm not as great as you think I am."

"Surprise me." He smiled. He moved his hand from her chest. She did the same.

"Why? Why date a girl you know is in love with someone else?"

Ryuji placed his hand on Makoto's head. He pressed his forehead to hers. She blushed. In a low voice; with less volume than a whisper, he told her, "because we're the same," and he laid her down to make love to her once more.

Saturday was unclouded; there was no rain. For the first time since the season started, it felt like spring. Sunlight poured into Haru's apartment. She slept on the sofa; Morgana lay beside her. It was the first weekend she was home in weeks. She awoke to the "pi" of her phone. She did not hear it at first but eventually turned over to check it. It was a group chat. She couldn't remember the last time she was part of one with all of them; the members of the Phantom Thieves.

She sent the first message. It read 'You're all invited to my makeup launch party. There I'll be revealing my own original makeup line for women of color and officially announce my engagement.'

Yusuke responded, 'Congratulations again, Ann. I am both proud and excited for you. What kind of food will be there?' Haru smiled. Yusuke, though no longer a starving artist, could never really let go of his concern for his stomach. For a moment, Haru felt seventeen again.

It was like Futaba couldn't wait her turn, 'I feed you well enough!'

Ryuji chimed in, offering the bluntness he was famous for, 'Are you guys dating?'

'No! His apartment is close to the university, so I just make dinner there sometimes.' Was Futaba embarrassed? Were they really dating?

And then there was him, 'Do you two often have dinner together, without us?' It was like Akira never changed. Even if it was short lived, Haru felt like it was the good old days. The teasing and the warm jokes.

'Of course, not intentionally! I merely seek her company because she makes me laugh and sometimes she cooks!' Haru giggled. She was sure Yusuke would regret those words later.

Even Makoto offered some words, 'Let's not assume anything. Besides, I'm sure they'll tell us when they are dating.'

Haru burst out in laughter. Morgana woke to her glee and was warmed by her joyful expression. He rubbed himself against her abdomen.

"You sound happy."

"It's just funny. Everyone is so funny," she couldn't suppress her laughter.

"I'm glad you're feeling better. You had me worried."

"You want to go get some coffee? Akira asked for some fresh clothes…" she couldn't help but trail off. Her joy was too short lived.

"Haru?"

"Morgana, do you think…do you think he loves me?" Morgana blinked a few times. He touched her, delicately, with the gentleness of his paw. He said nothing. "I guess that means no. It's weird..." Haru picked Morgana up and placed him in her lap. She flipped him over and rubbed his tummy. He purred deeply and felt slight shame for enjoying it that much – even after all those years in that feline body, "I think I always knew, but I'm not upset."

"No?" Morgana barely made out over his purring.

"No. I suppose – I had to admit it to myself, eventually. I think because I know the answer, there's no reason to feel anxious about it."

"I'm proud of you, Haru. You really have grown up." He licked her cheek and Haru smiled. It wasn't too hard to feign happiness, and she'd so for Mona's sake.

Yusuke put his phone on the kitchen counter of his studio apartment. It was well furnished and had floor to ceiling windows allowing sunlight to fill the space. He never had to worry about a satisfying meal since he had a personal chef, or so he liked to pretend. She looked 'visually pleasing' in an apron. He picked up his bowl of miso and sipped, "It's very good."

Futaba, with her glasses sitting on her nose, grinned, "Of course it is."

"Thank you for the meal, Futaba. But, may I ask – without you getting offended – when are you going home?"

"When the semester ends."

"That is soon, right?"

"You want to keep eating or no?"

Yusuke raised his bowl for seconds, "you're welcome to stay as long as you like."

Leblanc closed early. The warm spring night had a cool breeze and Akira had dinner with Sojiro. Futaba did not come home that Night. As he walked back to Leblanc, he wondered if she and Yusuke really were dating. If so, would they keep it secret, like he and Ann did once they started seeing each other when he returned from his hometown? He pondered but lost his train of thought when he saw Haru standing outside with a duffle bag. He approached her slowly. His legs felt like they were not his own as he walked towards her. He knew why she had come. Morgana poked his head out of the bag and Akira and Haru and met eyes.

"Hey", he said to her. Morgana hopped out the bag. The time came for a conversation that was long overdue.

The silver moonlight poured into the window of the attic. The place had its own glow; other worldly. The attic was always a space that housed another universe; a dwelling where dreams lived and died.

They sat on his bed. Akira said nothing. He waited on Haru. He knew very well why she had come and what she would say. The time had come.

"Do you love me?" She asked.

"I have always cared about you –"

"That's not what I'm asking. I wanted to know – to confirm – if you ever did."

"This isn't a work email –"

"You don't get to throw my job in my face. Answer the question." She demanded.

Akira looked at her. Her serious profile was always so attractive to him. Her hair rested on her shoulders and her long lashes favored spider legs, as they touched her cheek when her lids were low. It was this appearance over a pot of fresh Leblanc curry that brought his lips to hers. At that time, their kiss; burning, like the flames beneath the pot. He touched her cheek and Haru felt her heart stop, "No." He answered, honestly.

"Could you have – at any time?" She knew tears would come. She could fight them, but she needed the truth.

"Of course. There were plenty times I felt I did; seeing you water plants or play with Morgana..."

"Then why, why didn't it – why can't it work?"

"It can't because I'm not there. I care about you Haru. I will always care about you, but…"

"Ann. It's Ann, right?" Akira did not respond. Haru moved away from his touch and arose from his bed. She walked around the large space and stood in the moonlight. He looked at her with mixed feelings. He let Haru down, and he knew it. Knowing, bothered him. The guilt bothered him. Her pain bothered him. The fact he was the source of her pain ate him up on the inside.

"No. It's not. It's me," he wasn't defending Ann, as she was not to blame. He was being honest. It was him. It was him the moment he decided to take part in a relationship when he was not emotionally available. It was him when he imagined making love her Ann that night when he was with Haru. It was him when he tried to use sex to distract from his sins against her. It was always him, "It's me and I'm sorry. I'm sorry Haru."

"Why do you keep apologizing?!" Haru sat on the sofa and buried her head in her hands. She wanted to cry but the tears would not come. They would come once she was alone. Once things would start to fall apart when he could not be there to pick them up. There was a long silence.

"Haru?"

"I'll have someone send the rest of your things over by the end of the week." She arose from the sofa and exited the attic quickly. Morgana climbed up the set of steps and looked at Akira.

"Please, watch over her for me," Akira asked his longtime friend.

"Of course." The feline answered and headed down the flight of stairs.

Akira sat there – still – in the quiet and empty place. Leblanc, with as many people that made it home for him, felt like a place he no longer knew.