I walk into our bedroom; the simple colors and our favorite diffuser smell instantly calming me. "I love watching you walk into this room. I can see all your stress strip right off you," I hear Yoon-Gi say from the doorway. I see his tall, thin form leaning against the door frame from the corner of my eye. I blush and turn to look at him, trying but failing to look annoyed. "I love that too, you fight your feelings because of guilt, but in these moments, I see it. Look at you, look at that blush." He smiles my favorite smile. My breath catches like it does when I let my guard down around him. As he takes in my expression, his eyebrows disappear in his hairline and he places a mischievous smile on his face. I quickly turn to my dresser and pull out my pajamas. I feel one of his hands slide around my waist and the other push my hair from my neck. "Leigh…," he whispers. I feel his lips brush my neck. I close my eyes and slightly bend my neck to his touch. The hand on my waist gently pulls me back into his frame, while his lips leave a trail up and down my throat. I let myself mold myself to his frame. I drop my pajamas and place one hand softly on his on my waist and the other on the back of his neck. He lightly spins me around and kisses my chin. I let my hands fall limply to my sides and keep my eyes closed, enjoying the moment. As the light touches and kisses continue, I slowly start to respond. One hand circles his thin waist as the other lay lightly on his chest.
After a few moments soft kisses on across my neck and face, Yoon-Gi pulls back, holding me by the shoulders. I open my eyes, just a bit lightheaded from the rush of excitement. I only look at him for a few seconds before I grab the front of his shirt and pull him in for a proper kiss. I feel his surprise as I wrap my arms around his neck. He is hesitant with his kisses and hands; I know he is expecting a rebuff. I pause, stepping back, the guilt immediately taking over everything. His hands and head drop, closing his eyes tightly. This action makes me feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. I've never seen him look so defeated.
"Oh," I whisper, clutching my chest. His head snaps up, his eyes narrow in concern, but I see the pain on his face and in his eyes before he masks it. I feel tears welling, but he is going to misconstrue these tears as guilt, for Kayden. "Oh, Yoon-Gi. What have I done?" I whisper. I look at his confused face, and I am overcome with the realization of what my issues have done to this man that I love so much. The room spins, and I go down to my knees, Yoon-Gi's response is immediate, almost like he knew what was happening.
"What, what is it?" He says. My tears dry up immediately. I get so furious with myself. How could I do this to such an amazing person? Why did I make is commonplace that he expects me to recoil from his touch? It's no wonder his mother has always been so distant. I know others must see the way I react to his touch sometimes.
"I am so sorry, Min Yoon-Gi." I look up, taking his hands. I look into his beautiful eyes. "I cannot even imagine how horrible the last five years married to me have been. I didn't see. I wouldn't let myself see. I wouldn't let myself feel the feelings that rage in my body every moment of every day. In my selfishness I have made you expect a rebuff anytime you touch me, anytime you want to show me affection. I am so sorry. I will never stop trying to make this up to you." My words are fierce, but hardly above a whisper. His eyes widen in shock, and his mouth falls open ever so slightly. I search his face; set is a shock, his eyes bewildered. "How have you put up with me? I make you this promise. From this moment on, I'm yours. All yours. God, how could I be so blind?"
Anger flairs in me. I have always taken care of anyone, how did I become this person? Why did I let losing Kayden make me forget who I am, how to love someone? Didn't Yoon-Gi deserve for me to love him the same as I did Kayden? I take a deep breath and feel a feeling in my chest, my heart flies. I finally feel free. Free of my past, free of the guilt, free of it all. I smile and pull Yoon-Gi's hands to kiss them. "I'm so sorry, my Min Yoon-Gi," I say in Korean. I bow my head over his hands and close my eyes, a sign of immense respect for a wife to do for her husband in Korea. "I love you, more than my own life. Please forgive me." I pause, waiting for the response. I want to look up, but I will show him the respect he deserves, even if I was not raised in the customs.
After a few more seconds he removes his hands from mine. I drop my hands but do not look up. "Leigh," he says. I raise my eyes. "I feel I need to apologize. I am normally so good at hiding my reactions as not to upset you more. I didn't mean for you to see me so weak." I tilt my head to the side. "Weak? How can a man who has struggled to prove his love to a woman who is in love with a ghost be viewed as weak? And," I hesitantly take a step toward him, "I think I needed to see that. Do you not see what it has done? I refuse to be a pain for people, seeing your pain has put everything in its correct place in my brain. Don't you see, I'm free. The guilt, I do not feel it in my heart anymore. Kayden's name comes into my brain, and it doesn't hurt as much. Seeing you like that, goodness, it was like a slap in the face. I am so sorry; I will never be able to say it enough. I'm sorry." He steps closer, placing one hand on the side of my face. I put my hand on top of his and lean into it. "I love you, Min Yoon-Gi. So much." He smiles that smile that drives me insane and pulls me into a very passionate kiss.
After a few moments, Yoon-Gi breaks away. This is the first time I can remember that he breaks our kiss. "Leigh, I don't know what to say. I don't remember you ever kissing me so freely." He looks dazed. I put my forehead to his. "I told you, I feel free, finally." I close my eyes and smile slightly. For the first time in 10 years, I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I am surprised by Yoon-Gi's lips back on mine. Fiercely, almost on the verge of acute need instead of desire. He picks me up, easier than you would think with his thin frame, and carries me to the bed. Without breaking our kiss, he lays me down and hovers over the length of my body. This time I am the one who breaks away, to catch my breath. This doesn't stop him; he moves to my face, my ears, my neck, and upper chest, any place where the skin is exposed. I am so used to him being so gentle, almost questioning every touch, experiencing him letting go, my mind goes into a fog.
As I try to catch my breath, I look down at Yoon-Gi. His eyes meet mine. "Where has this been hiding?" He smiles evilly and stands up. "Wait, where are you going?" I say, sitting up on my elbows. "Oh, I am not going anywhere." He pulls this shirt over his head, revealing his sculpted chest and abdomen. My face grows hot, and I look down. "No, you are not doing that," he says, in a tone, he normally reserves when he has to get this trainee under control. My eyes snap to his; I raise my eyebrows and smirk. "This might be new territory, Min Yoon-Gi, but remember who you are talking to." He places one knee on the bed in between my legs and leans over me. I suck in a ragged breath. "And who am I talking to?" he asks quietly. "Min Leigh," I whisper, my resolve wavering at his sudden intensity. "Exactly. Min Leigh. My wife. Finally, all mine. I knew this day would come. I have been waiting." He places one hand on the bed, making him lean into me even more, our bodies just millimeters apart. "I thought I would have to wait longer for this moment."
"Yea, it should have come about six years ago," I say, reaching up and kissing his chin. "I'll never be able to make it up to you," I kiss his neck. "But I promise I will spend the rest of my life trying to." I continue kissing his neck softly and place one hand on his waist. He slightly pushes me down, making me straighten up, so our foreheads are touching again. While his eyes search mine, he places his other hand on the other side of me, effectively pushing me down onto the bed. "Goodness woman. I have been waiting so long to have all of you," he almost growls. I am so overwhelmed by the intensity coming from him. He starts kissing me over and over, lips, cheeks, neck, everywhere he can reach. I don't stay still, even though Yoon-Gi and I have been intimate in our relationship this felt different. I didn't feel like I needed to hold back anymore. I let my hands trace over and over his upper body, his hair, his face. I returned the kisses when I am able.